DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 22 years old and horrible with women. A couple of years ago I stumbled upon the PUA/Redpill/Seduction community and it has caused me to become horribly depressed. What I read on the Internet tells me, that the kind of relationship I would like to have does not exist.

I want a girlfriend/wife, who wants me because of who I am and not because of the person I “act to be”. I’m not an alpha. I respect women and want a girlfriend who respect me as well. The internet tells me all these things. I shouldn’t make her my priority, I shouldn’t give her too much attention, I shouldn’t make her “feel secure” and “be ready to walk out at any minute”. I don’t want that. I want a girlfriend who is also my best friend. If she is wearing a gorgeous dress, I want to tell her how beautiful she looks in it. I want to tell her I love her. I want to tell her how much she means to me.

According to the internet, thats “so beta”. After reading PUA/Dating advice blogs, I’m horribly depressed about the “fact” that I will never have the kind of relationship I want. I want a stable, long lasting relationship but that seems almost impossible to have nowadays. At some point I want to be able to say: “This is it. This is a woman I can imagine spending my life with. I’m done dating.”. Now, I don’t believe that there is THE ONE I need to find. I’m sure there are millions of possible partners that I could be happy with. But I want only one of them and be happy for a long time. I don’t care about sex all that much and spending time together talking, cuddling, doing stuff together is way more important to me.

If you’ve got some advice for me, please help me! I beg you to help me. My counselor doesn’t really seem to understand where I’m coming from, but maybe you do.

Beta Testing

DEAR BETA TESTING: Beta, dude. It’s ok. You’re dealing with what’s known as a false dichotomy – the idea that you have only two options. In this case, you’re being told that you can take the Red Pill or… you can die alone and unloved. I’m here to tell you: that’s bulls

t. That’s seven different kinds of bulls

t from cholera-infected bulls.

We’ll leave aside things like my site and just stick to some basic stuff here: people’ve been loving, dating and mating for the length of human history; long before Ross Jeffries started his Speed Seduction website, before Mystery put on his hat and long before folks like Heartist and RooshV went around telling people that the best way to get laid is through emotional abuse and date rape, and long, long before people completely misunderstood the point of the blue pill/red pill choice in The Matrix. You can toss a rock at random and hit five couples who are loving and affectionate, who cuddle and talk and are generally disgustingly sweet to one another. And then you’ll have to apologize for hitting them with a rock, but hey, one thing at a time.

The issue you’re having is that you’re reading a lot of crap. You’ve got folks selling you s

t and telling you it’s ice cream over and over again, whether it’s subreddits or PUA blogs or whatever and seeing the same things over and over again. A lot of it sounds similar to many of the messages that guys’ve been drowning in for decades. And to be fair: much of it is written in a compelling fashion; pretty much everybody out there’s using a lot of the same sales techniques to get you to feel like they are the Way and The Light.

(We will pause here to appreciate the irony.)

It’s not really surprising that it’s leading you to feel like this is the only way, especially if you keep seeing the same bulls

t repeated from several different sources. Repeat something often enough and it starts to sink in.

The thing is: the fact that lots of people are saying something doesn’t necessarily make it true. You can fall down enough rabbit holes that’ll be happy to tell you that the Earth is flat, that trees don’t actually exist, that chemtrails alter our minds and that the Illuminati is behind Beyonce. Read enough of them for long enough and you’re likely to think that they may have a point too. But if you step away for, oh, five minutes, long enough to get a beer from the fridge, you’ll realize how pants-on-head-insane it all is.

The best thing you can do right now? Quit reading those sites and blogs. Take a long, brain-clearing vacation from dating advice sites – mine too, if you really feel the need. Go out, hang out with your friends, catch a matinee of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, enjoy some fresh air and just exist for a bit. Don’t think about dating or debunked pseudoscientific ideas about alpha/beta behavior for… a weekend at least. Maybe a long weekend. Watch how much your mood changes when you’re not constantly submerging yourself in this.

Afterwards? Well, I hope you come back here at least, because I like to think my dating philosophy lines up more with yours. Check out my books; I worked pretty hard to make them a more positive read for folks instead of telling them that the key to getting laid is manipulation.

And quit reading PUA and RedPill blogs. They’re just not healthy for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been following your website for years and it helped me a lot. I’m not writing about relationship but about self motivation. I am currently attending one of the best art school in the country under some of the best teachers. Recently I have been unhappy with my work and felt even worse after a brutalizing class critic. The next day the same teacher, who is a renowned artist and often helps kick start her students career, posted on her facebook and instagram how amazing her other students are. This was seen by hundred of people. I love what I’m doing and don’t ever want to give up on my art career but I’m stuck in a “you’re useless and you’ll never make it” loop which is effecting my work quality. Please help me, what can I do to believe in myself and get out of my own head.

Wrapped in a Burrito of Self Loathing

DEAR WRAPPED IN A BURRITO OF SELF-LOATHING:

Hoo boy, I’ve been there, WBSL.

Back in the day, when I was trying to be a comic artist, I didn’t do so well with some (many) of my professors in the art department. I was an illustrator surrounded by fine artists; worse, I was a comic artist. And this was in the 90s, before comics caught on with the mainstream. One teacher told me that she would rather see me cut my fingers off with tin-snips than call myself an artist.

(I told her she wouldn’t know good art if it bit her on the ass and sang ten rounds of “‘enry the ‘eighth” to the tune of “I’m good art”. The look on her face made the practice worth it. Not coincidentally, I became an English major the next day.)

You are going to have to deal with a lot of discouragement as an artist. Much of it will be self-inflicted; you’re going to look at other people and think “holy s

t, I’m never going to be as good as them.” Other times, you’re going to look at your own art and think “what the f

k was I thinking? How could I ever have believed this was worth bringing to light at all?”

After I graduated from college and got settled into my groove, I started hanging around with the local artist community and holy hopping sheep s

t, almost everyone was way better than me. And when I started working on A Scanner Darkly… well f

k me sideways but I was surrounded by people who kicked my artistic ass up one side and down the other. And let me tell you: this group included folks who’ve gone on to be rockstar artists at Marvel, DC, Bioware and a host of other success stories. Believe me: you would recognize some of the names. As hard as it was to look at their art and not feel like I was the world’s biggest fraud, I learned to let them inspire me. There was nothing quite like looking at some of my friends work and thinking “well hell, I need to kick my stuff up a notch” and trying to learn everything I could from their examples.

And then there’s the criticism. If you’re going to be a creative of any type and put your work in front of others, you have to be ready for criticism. No matter how good you are or aren’t, folks are going to have opinions. And sometimes hearing those opinions can be brutal. Sometimes it will make you want to dig yourself a nice deep hole, jump in and pull the hole in after you.

But you can survive that criticism. Start by asking yourself: how much of it is valid? Are they talking s

t because they think ragging on someone’s work is a way of showing how cool you are? Or do they have some legitimate advice, however inartfully given? I remember doing a portfolio critique with Jim Valentino of Image Comics that left me feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch; he ripped my art a series of new a

holes, one after the other. But as much as it stung to hear… dude was right. I had a lot of growing to do as an artist, and I was nowhere near ready. Once I could take my ego out of it and my reflexive “screw you, you don’t know what you’re talking about”, I could see what he was saying. And as much as it sucked… I needed to take his advice, dig in and work my cute little butt off.

So now that you’ve had some distance from that brutal critique, take some time. Assess it. See how much is useful. Take some of it to heart and experiment. Go back and rework some of the fundamentals.

Meanwhile, talk to your teacher. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little assistance; it’s a hell of a lot more productive than hoping that they’ll take notice of you and give you a boost. Tell them that you’re having a hard time with some of your work, that you really admire their work and could use some direction or advice.

(Remember: a little ass-kissing never hurt. Just a little.)

Even if it’s just some exercises you should try to stretch your creative muscles, any assistance they could give you would be greatly appreciated.

But in general, the biggest key to any artistic endeavor is persistence. Art is about practice and growth and time. Push yourself. Test your limits. Do things you’re scared of. Watch how it changes your art and forces you to grow as a creator. You may not make a living as an artist – most artists don’t, especially in this day and age. Hell, some of the greatest artists in history – Van Gough, most notably – were failures in their time. But if you love art? Let that love move you and inspire you and push you through these painful moments. Even if you’re just creating for yourself, let that love flow through you and it’ll bring you through some of the hardest times.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll do my best to keep this somewhat short. To start I was excited for life as I entered my last year before I turn 30. My wife and I moved to a rural area close to both of our families as we had planned following my military service. We both earn above the median income salaries on our own, and were ready to travel and do many exciting things that we could afford due to our low cost of living. I also had the perk of my close but small group of friends in town to satisfy all of my RPG, tabletop, and general nerd needs.

The problem? My wife asked me for a divorce after 7 years together, and I wish I had a cool story or a real reason but she just stopped loving me. We always split the chores, sex life was great, we were comfortable just being together. When she first brought her wish for this about a year ago I asked her what needed to change and to her disbelief I did everything she asked and more. She even gave me credit for it but said that the feeling just never came back.

While it’s not what I want I can’t make her come back to me without feeling as If I manipulated her to something against her true desires for the sake of comfort. I know what mistakes I made and I can’t go back and be a better partner. I know this and as a result we have been very agreeable and pleasant with each other in finalizing the divorce. She even gave me one of the dogs when I had always figured I’d have to fight for one.

Now the real problem, I’ve worked professionally to be in a good spot. My job pays me well and offers me well above the average vacation days. The down side? I don’t know what I want to do anymore. This plan worked when I had the right partner picked out who would explore and adventure with me.

Now I live somewhere where most people are partnered off, the available woman my age are usually single mothers. No offense but it isn’t something I’m interested in as my ex-wife and I had already discussed not having children. My close friends are great for all my nerd stuff and are definitely capable of having some meaningful conversations. That said only one is in a relationship that he says may be his last and not in a good way. The other uses all the apps but has really high standards and is trending towards being alone. The thirds wife cheated on him a decade ago and he hasn’t let go. None of them are big on going out and doing things besides staying home RPGing and hanging out, which I love but I also want more.

I’m afraid to pick up and move to bigger area as making adult friends at this point sounds intimidating and honestly unfulfilling. As far as dating goes I imagine I could figure that out again, I already work out, eat right, and check some of the self improvement blocks most places recommend. The problem is I just don’t have the motivation for it. It’s not what I planned for and quite frankly has thrown me in a loop.

I made sacrifices when we made this move to stay in a career field I wasn’t overly happy in to ensure my wife could pursue a degree that fit her better. It ended up working out, I landed a promotion that pays me well and allows me money and time for my hobbies. It still just feels like I’m missing out now and I’m trying to live a life I planned without one of the biggest parts. Han wouldn’t of made it as far without Chewie. Now I’m sitting in Mos Eisley by myself trying to figure out if this is really the place for me.

I know I’ve rambled and said a lot but bottom line is, I’m doubting every choice I’ve ever made and just when I thought I had life figured out and was excited for the future. I’m now scared, confused, and looking for a place to start.

-Han without Chewie

DEAR HAN WITHOUT CHEWIE: You shouldn’t feel bad about where you’ve ended up, HwC. You didn’t make a mistake, you made a decision that, based on all the available information you had at the time, was the correct one. It was the right decision for your life at the time, a life that you had no reason to believe would change as drastically as it did.

Unfortunately, man plans and the gods laugh. Life comes at you fast and now circumstances have changed. What worked for you under a specific scenario may not be as good of a fit for you as it once was. The question now is whether this new circumstance is such a bad fit that you can’t make it work or not.

Now let’s be fair: a lot of your feeling of confusion and despair is because, dude, you just had your legs kicked out from under you. You had every reason to believe that your life was going in a certain direction and then suddenly everything’s been thrown into chaos. You’re still in the “what the F

K??” stage, where you’re trying to pick up the pieces, process the emotions and generally get back on your feet again. And you know what? That’s fine. You just had your bell rung; you’re allowed to be confused and upset by all this. That’s perfectly normal; it’s a reasonable person’s response to an unreasonable situation.

What you shouldn’t be doing right now is trying to make major life changes; you’re still reeling from everything that happened, even if it’s not immediately obvious. Your immediate priority should just be giving yourself time to heal and adjust to your new normal. You want to make sure that you’re making an informed decision instead of rushing out and making choices based around that sense of loss and upheaval.

Once you’ve gotten a little firmer footing, then you can start trying to decide what your next move is. And having a clear head and sense of purpose is going to be important, because you’ve got some decisions to make.

The thing you need to realize is that life is all about trade offs – what are you willing to risk and what are you willing to live with? It is very, very goddamn rare that you’re going to be in a place where you can adapt to all of the vagaries of life without making substantial changes to your status quo. You have a list of desires and goals, many of which may be incompatible with where you are right now – both physically and emotionally. On the one hand, you have a good job that offers plenty of perks, you live near your family and you have a relatively low cost of living. The trade off is that you’re in a place where it may be harder for you to date. Moving is a choice, sure… but it means giving up that financial advantage, the inconvenience of building a new social circle and generally having to start your life over, shortly after you started building a new one here.

No matter what you do, you’re going to have to be willing to adjust and make changes. Your previous plan is no longer in effect, so you have to decide what to do about it. Are you going to adapt it to your new circumstances, cannibalize it for parts or abandon it entirely? What trade-offs are you willing to make in order to either adjust the plan or formulate a new one? If you decide to move, then you’re going to have to sacrifice your job and your circle of friends. If you decide to stay, then you’re going to have to reconsider your priorities with dating. You may have to accept that your potential dating pool is smaller or examine your feelings about children. You may have to start looking further afield for potential partners, possibly even looking towards a long-distance relationship until either you move or they decide to join you.

Or you could do what many men in your position have done: take time to focus on yourself and your desires. You built your life around compromise and shared sacrifice so that your wife could pursue her goals. Maybe it’s time for you to dust off old dreams and pursue those, especially if you’re in the financial position to take some risks.

But for now? Focus on some effective self-care and getting yourself back into emotional fighting shape. The great thing about your future is that you can’t miss it; it’s always just ahead of you.

You’ve got this, HWC. You’re gonna be fine. You’re one with the Force and the Force is with you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My partner and I have been together for about 7 months now, and the entire time has been long-distance. We live on opposite sides of the world, so we get to talk maybe a couple hours here and there. We’ve been able to make it work so far, but recently, I asked him about his porn watching habits and I was not happy with his answer.

To put it simply: he watches porn more than I expected, and this really upset me.

He never talked about it with me before, even though I always ask about his day (out of consideration, not because I’m snooping). I understand it’s not exactly an organic topic, but he has never mentioned it once until I finally brought it up. I feel like this something any partner would bring up with their significant other, just to make sure it’s okay. However, the fact that he didn’t and he kept watching it secretly makes me really upset. I suppose I could bring it up as well, but for me I’m someone who doesn’t watch that or even really think about porn at all. The only reason I brought it up was because of a recent documentary I watched, and i thought it was a topical discussion.

His excuses were pretty abysmal. “You’re not always here” was one of them. Well, you’re right. I’m not always there. But is that an excuse to reach out to a porn video to watch some girl that isn’t really there either? I’m more there for him than a body on a screen.

Lately, he’s been extremely bogged down with work and tells me how tired and busy he is all the time. I believe him, so I don’t try to tire him out more by getting him to have Skype sex with me. I bring up my sexual frustrations pretty often, but it hasn’t gone anywhere in a month.

He also said he never thought about how it would effect me. This really struck me – why would you not think about how watching other people have sex would effect me? Couldn’t you at least talk to me about it first?

I’ve been on multiple forums trying to see what to do about this (I know, bad idea), and a lot of them are telling me it’s unrealistic to think my boyfriend could just STOP watching porn. All men watch porn, men need visuals, etc. But to me, that’s just a poor and stupid excuse. Men are not animals; men are humans with feelings. If I ask my boyfriend to stop watching porn because it makes me uncomfortable, he should stop watching it. The raging boner in his pants should not trump my feelings. It may be an adjustment, but it’s one that any person should be able to make for their sig other if they’re serious about them. This is of course assuming that my partner does not have a porn addiction, which would be a whole other can of worms.

While he did offer to stop, I can’t help but feel really betrayed. What do I do to get over this? I feel like he’s keeping secrets now, or he won’t tell me something unless I specifically ask for it. I understand this is sort of treading into “slippery slope” territory.

I am also asking myself if this is about my self-esteem. Am I jealous of these porn videos? To be honest, I really don’t feel like I am. For me, it’s much less jealousy and much more a surprise at the complete lack of consideration for my feelings. When I asked him what he thought i would say, he said he knew I would get mad. Well then why would you continue to do it if you knew it would upset me?

Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

Sincerely,

LDRs Are Complicated…

DEAR LDRS ARE COMPLICATED: Right, so I’m going to be up front with you LDRACL: I don’t think you’re necessarily going to like what I’m about to tell you.

Your boyfriend is going to be watching porn. That’s almost certainly not going to change. The biggest question is whether or not he tells you about it.

The fact of the matter is: most people watch porn; not just men (virtually all men do) but PEOPLE, across the gender spectrum. In fact, increasingly more women are consuming porn than ever before.

(Well, porn videos, anyway. These surveys tend to leave out things like written erotica, Tumblr pre-pornpocalypse, fan fiction archives like AO3 and so on)

If you break up with him over this issue, the odds of your finding a guy who doesn’t watch porn is going to be akin to winning the Powerball – it theoretically DOES happen, but almost always to other people. This is in no small part how humans are hard-wired. We like watching (and listening and thinking about) other people fucking. As soon as we as a species started painting on cave walls, people drew boobs, peens and stick-figure’s boning. We’ve had stone carvings of cocks, vulvas, boobs and people banging pretty much from the moment we could understand abstract representation.

So… yeah, your long-distance boyfriend watches porn. Honestly not that much of a shock.

Now, I’m not entirely surprised that your boyfriend didn’t tell you that he watches porn; after all, masturbation isn’t the sort of thing that comes up in the usual “so, how’s your day been?” conversation, any more than how many times you’ve gone to the bathroom or how many sodas you’ve had. In fact, most people don’t get into the nitty-gritty details of their masturbatory habits unless you’re specifically sharing them with your partner. And frankly, that’s exactly what his porn habits are part of: his masturbatory routine. Unless his use of porn is so all-encompassing that he has no time for you and he’s literally jerking himself raw, then I’m not entirely sure what the big deal is.

But let’s get down to the source of conflict: you don’t like the fact that he watches porn because it upsets you. So it really comes down to: WHY does it upset you?

Is it because you have ideological issues with porn? This is totally valid. While I am very much pro-porn, I’ll be the first to say that porn has a long and ignominious history of shoddy treatment of it’s performers – women in particular but men too – and it’s intensely problematic portrayals of race, consent, sexuality, etc. It may not necessarily mean that your boyfriend is going to stop watching, but it will at least mean that you both understand where you’re coming from.

If it’s because he’s watching other people having sex and by extension imagining other women having sex (possibly even with him) while he’s masturbating… well, then you’re going to have problems. Because unless you’re planning to police every thought that goes through his head, you’re going to have to deal with the fact that he’s going to imagine having sex with other people. The same, incidentally, as 99.99% of the rest of the human population.  His fantasies, whether they involve other people or not, really have no bearing on the primacy or security of your relationship or how much he cares for you or not. They’re literally just part of the toolset involved in how he gets his rocks off. As I’ve said many a time before: monogamy just means that you don’t sleep with other people; it doesn’t mean that you don’t want to.

And then there’s the fact that, frankly, you’re in a long-distance relationship. Part of what makes LDRs difficult is the D… as it were. That distance means that the physical intimacy of your relationship is going to be limited; not just sex, but the little things that couples take for granted like cuddling on the couch or holding hands as you walk around on dates. Not having that intimacy can make maintaining a relationship hard and as pleasurable as hot sessions on Skype can be, it’s not going to be the same. Part of what makes an LDR last is maximizing the times that you’re together in person. The less you see of each other, the less likely your relationship is going to survive.

This is especially true if you’re trying to maintain an LDR with a monogamous commitment. Trying to maintain a monogamous relationship in person can be difficult enough. Trying to maintain one when you are likely to only see your partner once or twice a year if that? That’s basically setting yourself up for failure.

For a lot of guys, porn is how they stay monogamous; it lets them get the variety that many men crave without stepping outside the bounds of the relationship. 

So what do you do? Well, you have two choices. The first is that you can demand that he doesn’t watch porn, and the other is that you resign yourself to the fact that your boyfriend masturbates and he’s probably going to watch porn while he does it. You don’t like him doing it because it hurts your feelings and feel that he should stop because of that. He, I feel fairly safe in saying, has his feelings hurt by your trying to police his fantasies and masturbatory habits. I would be willing to bet a not-insignificant amount of money that this is why he hasn’t been down for a Skype session recently – it’s hard to get it up when you’re still feeling resentful that your girlfriend is telling you that you’re not allowed to do something that ultimately doesn’t affect her.

Because let’s be honest: it doesn’t and didn’t affect you until you specifically asked him about it.

You’re certainly able to tell him not to… but the odds are, he’s just going to keep doing so and either not tell you or lie about it.

So either you can break up with him over the issue and try to find someone who doesn’t watch porn or you can find a compromise. Maybe you can find porn that you like (or that doesn’t upset you) and see he’ll give that a try – perhaps something along the lines of Cindy Gallop’s Make Love Not Porn. Or perhaps you might want to try something like C. Spike Trotman’s Smut Peddler anthology or Jess Fink’s comics and see if those open up a new avenue for you. But if his watching porn at all is too much for you to bear and you can’t find a way to accept that it’s just part of how he gets himself off, then that compromise is that he tells you he doesn’t watch porn any more and you choose to believe him. He makes sure that he’s discrete about it, he doesn’t jerk off so much he doesn’t have any energy left for you and you don’t go looking for evidence that he’s been checking out PornHub.

Straight talk time: men watch porn. So do women and non-binary folks. Men masturbate. So do… well, you get it. This has nothing to do with “being animals” or “the power of boners being stronger” and everything to do with the fact that it’s about fantasies and getting off and – critically – has nothing to do with their partners. Unless his porn is directly bleeding into your relationship – he can’t have sex with you in person without Jenna Jameson on in the background, he demands that you watch things you’re uncomfortable with, he can’t get it up because he masturbates so much, etc – then ultimately turning a blind eye to it is likely your best bet. Because trying to enforce a no-porn ban is going to end the relationship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)