DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question is about dealing with the aftermath of confessing romantic feelings to a close friend and dealing with his rejection while not losing that friend and going the nuclear option.

Long story short, I’m a late bloomer in her early 30s with limited experience (had a first kiss and sexual experience when I was 30, only one relationship, and had sex only 3 times in my life). So, the last summer I have developed a crush on a very close friend who I knew for 2 years by that time. The problem was that he was about to leave the city to move across the ocean in 4 months. Despite of this, I still wanted to pursue a short-term relationship with him, I felt like having even a short-term intimate experience with him outweighed the fact that it’s going to be a relationship with an expiration date.

So, being a firm believer in direct communication, I asked him if he would be interested in us dating each other and I let him know that I realize that most likely it’s going to be a relationship with an expiration date and if he doesn’t feel that he is into that he shouldn’t be afraid of saying ‘no’, I can take it. He answered that he was also thinking about us dating each other but he was afraid he doesn’t have time to date someone in the next 4 months (he was supposed to travel quite a bit for work reasons before leaving the city). Anyway, he said that he will think about it. Three days later we got together for drinks with another woman who is very closest friend of mine. I couldn’t stay long and left, the next morning I got a news from her that things escalated after I left and they decided to play a variation of truth or dare game by stripping off their clothes and telling each other crazy sex things they have done (but they didn’t touch each other) and that I should have stayed that night to join them. Honestly, I felt horrible upon hearing that news, even though there wasn’t any reason. Several hours later he messaged me saying that he doesn’t have any secrets from me and I’m free to ask about his crazy sex experiences that he confessed to a friend of mine while naked, but he needs to be in the right mood, so I shouldn’t push him to tell about them.

A month later the three of us were hanging out (he still didn’t tell me those stories) and I was being playful with him put his hand on my back to have back massage. The next day he wrote me that he was actually considering having an intimate relationship with me despite the limited time we have, but because of this ‘hand thingy’ (that I didn’t ask him for his consent), he decided that he is going to change his mind. This came out of the blue (I hadn’t brought us being together since the last time I asked him) and I was devastated, had to take a sick day off work. I slowly recovered after that, but the fact that he was keeping secrets (the things he told the other friend) was slowly eating me. Several weeks before he left the city I told him how I felt about him having those secrets from me. He revealed those secrets, via a text message, not even face to face, and it felt like it wasn’t genuine.

Those secrets turned were the facts that he practiced some BDSM activities several years ago and that he was embarrassed of them. Now, here is the thing, I’m also into BDSM (never practiced but I know I want to do it), so I told him that those things he shouldn’t be ashamed of and I find them amazing and that I’m also into them. During the last week we were talking a lot about them, and several day after he left the city he said that he might be up for trying some of them with me, 1.5 months later when we were supposed to share a hotel room for a week during a music festival in another country. However, when we actually met, he felt a bit distant and irritated (I don’t know what caused it, but he was stressed looking for a job in another continent), at some point at this event he said that he prefers going for dinners with other people and not me (before that we were having dinners together and planned on celebrating New Year’s eve together at the festival). He also said that I should change my plans of visiting him across the ocean (fortunately I didn’t book my flights yet). The rest of the event was quite depressing for me.

After all of this I feel still have hard time processing what have happened (that naked night with a friend of mine after he told me that he doesn’t have time for casual sex, the fact that he was hiding his interest in BDSM while telling me that he trusts me and doesn’t have secrets from me, or his weirdly distant behavior at the festival). I feel depressed and have a hard time sleeping when I think about all of this things that happened between us the last year and I think about them almost every day. Am I overreacting and just need to get mental help? The thing is that I really value his friendship and I still keep contact with him. But sometimes I think if I should go full nuclear option? But I’m afraid of losing a close friendship with him and that doing the nuclear option and losing contact with him would do more mental damage rather than keeping a contact with him.

Thanks a lot for any feedback!

Nukes and Friends

DEAR NUKES AND FRIENDS: This is a little complicated, NaF, because I think there’re a few issues colliding here.

The first is that this guy seems to have issues with actually saying what he thinks or feels. I mean, it’s pretty clear to me from his actions that he’s just not interested in you and – for whatever reason – can’t seem to bring himself to say it directly. Maybe he’s worried about hurting you. Maybe he’s just really passive aggressive. It could be that you weren’t as clear about the nature of the relationship you wanted with him and he thinks you want something more committed than he is up for. Maybe he likes dangling the idea of the two of you getting together over your head like he’s dangling string over a kitten. Who knows. But what’s clear is that the issue isn’t that he doesn’t have time for casual sexy games… it’s that he doesn’t have time for casual sexy games with you.

And hey, that sucks. It can be incredibly painful when it feels like someone is telling you that you’re just not good enough to bang. I don’t think that’s what he’s actually saying, but you’d be forgiven for taking it that way because he’s acting really goddamn weird about it.

Take the whole “give me a massage” fracas. Now it’s fair that some folks don’t necessarily like being grabbed or feeling like they’re being made to touch someone they’d rather not touch. I think we can all think of times when we’ve been forced to give someone a hug or kiss when we didn’t want to – even when it’s just Aunt Matilda. Everyone has the rights to their boundaries and it’s certainly not impossible that you crossed one of his. But for him to tell you the next day “hey, I was totally going to hook up with you but you tried to make me give you a massage, so nevermind,” is… questionable. It comes across as a weird and needlessly cruel way of punishing you for a transgression you had no idea you had made. If that was genuine, then I really question the need to bring up the idea of dating, as opposed to simply saying “hey, I wasn’t cool with your grabbing my hand like that.” That’s the sort of thing that makes me wonder about his emotional intelligence or social calibration.

And if it wasn’t genuine and just a way for him to get out of having to turn you down (for a question that you asked a month ago) then he’s being a games playing dick.

Same with his weirdness about travelling with you for the music festival and deciding that he’d rather eat his meals with other folks. Again: if that came out of the clear blue sky, then this is a guy who’s become the emotional equivalent of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and you’re better off not dating him.

All that having been said however: I think you’re also making a bigger deal out of a lot of this than is actually warranted by the circumstances or the relationship. It sounds to me like you were far more invested in this guy than you should have been, all things considered. It sucks that he was more willing to fool around with your friend – even if nothing happened – than you. But feeling betrayed that he had interests and a history that he hadn’t shared with you? That’s a little much. Friendships, even close ones, aren’t depositions; people aren’t required to share every single detail of their lives and histories, especially details that they may be embarrassed by or ashamed of. That’s not “keeping secrets” from you, that’s just him having a right to privacy and not needing to disclose every little thing he’s ever done.

Now I get that you feel left out by the fact that he told your friend about this during wacky naked time… but honestly, that’s his call to make. It’s understandable that you’d feel hurt that he didn’t trust you with this information, but again: that’s his absolute right. If he wants to tell someone he’s flirting with about his sexual history but not you, that’s up to him.

And to be honest: with as put out as you sound about it, I think part of the conflict here is that you were so put out about all of this that it became a bone of contention between the two of you. And if you were bringing it up on the regular with him as a problem with your relationship… well, I can see how he’d start getting annoyed by it.

I don’t think you need mental help, NaF, I think you’re inexperienced and overinvested in someone you liked. It’s the sort of thing that we all do when we’re first trying to navigate sexual and romantic interest beyond puppy-love when we’re kids. A lot of us go through this in middle school and high-school. Some of us do so later in life. It sucks, but it’s part of the learning experience and unfortunately, some learning experiences involve falling on our faces and collecting some bruises. But as much as it may sting, that’s how you build up your hit points in the long run.

So I think for now, I think it may be better for you to let this guy go for a while. Whether this dude is less emotionally intelligent than one would hope, you let a crush overwhelm your common sense or both, I think you need some distance and perspective. Unfollowing his Instagram and Snapchat, muting him on Twitter and Facebook… these are all ways that you give yourself space to heal and get over somebody. It’s difficult to let things go when you’re constantly tempted by the opportunity to check his Instagram or see if his relationship status has changed, after all.

Give yourself a break from this guy, go and collect new experiences, fall in love again and again. Let your heart heal. If the two of you are as close as you say, that friendship will be waiting for you down the line when all of this is just a somewhat embarrassing footnote in your history.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your articles and posts for several years now, and I have a lot in common with some the other people who write to you. I’m a 36-year-old man who did well in high school and college, has done tolerably well in the workplace since I graduated (I’m far from wealthy, but not struggling to pay the bills either), but spent much of my life struggling to fit in socially. I never faced a lot of bullying or overt hostility, but I spent my school years and much of my 20s feeling awkward and on-edge around my classmates and colleagues. Although I did make some friends with whom I remain very close to this day, I always felt incredibly anxious in large groups, and was tormented by the notion that everyone else found personal interaction a lot easier than I did. I always got along at least as well with women as I did with men, but I didn’t have any kind of romantic or sexual experiences until the age of 32, when I lost my virginity to L, an old friend from middle school, and went on to date her for a while. It was a great experience for both of us, but after six good months, it became clear that we were not a great match romantically, although she remains one of my very closest friends.

I am now doing very well in most ways– I have worked in retail since 2004, and constant interaction with both customers and coworkers has helped me to feel much more confident in social situations. For a little over two years, I’ve been working at a local health food store. It’s a great environment – the pay isn’t terrific, but it’s much better than I’ve gotten at any other job, and my managers really seem to appreciate my contributions. And my customers and coworkers are also wonder, most of them being intelligent, funny, and interested in many of the same things that I am. Naturally, quite a few of these customers and coworkers are women, and I have become quite friendly with some of them. In fact, there are several women (some of them customers, some of them co-workers from other departments) who stop by my department to chat very frequently, even though they usually do not buy anything. It seems possible that at least some of these women might be interested in me as something more than a friend.

Based on the excellent advice you have given to so many other people, I know exactly what I need to do in order to find out for certain: ask them out, listen to their answer, be cool with whatever the answer happens to be. Here’s where things get a little complicated: although all of these women seem like they have great personalities, and although most of them would be considered highly attractive by “conventional standards”… to put it plainly, I am attracted to larger ladies, and most of the women I am getting to know at work are very slender. Part of me thinks I should try asking some of them out anyway, because I really do love their personalities, we have a great time chatting, and I hate the idea of being superficial. And it’s possible that attraction would grow with time. But I don’t know if that would really be the case. L is a big, curvy woman, and when we were dating, I absolutely loved every inch of her body, including the parts that she was embarrassed about. She is still the only woman I have ever had sex with, so I don’t know to what degree I could become physically attracted to a woman with a different body type. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I shouldn’t “test the waters” and just see what happens. But on the other hand, I worry that it would be unfair to ask women to give me a try, when I am not at all sure there is the potential for long-term attraction.

So that’s where I was hoping you might have some advice: based on both your own personal experience and the stories you have heard as an advice columnist/dating coach, is it common for physical attraction to grow with time, even with people who are not our “type”, physically speaking? Or would I ultimately be better off trying to meet women who I feel more immediately attracted to, even if it means I have to look further afield?

-Inexperienced in The Nutrition Aisle

DEAR INEXPERIENCED IN THE NUTRITION AISLE: I think you’re overthinking things, INA, in a number of different directions.

First, let’s tackle the practical aspect: hitting on people while you’re on the job is a BAD goddamn idea. There are jobs where you can plausibly get away with flirting with the customers, like bartending. Working at a grocery store? Not really one of them, especially if you’re still working at a Dating 101 level. If your social calibration is really well tuned, then maybe. But right now? It’s not a good idea. Now if you wanted to drop that you were single and see if any of them decided to pick up that particular hint and run with it… well, if they ask you out then you’re hardly to blame. But in terms of hitting on customers? Nah, bad idea, don’t do it.

But let’s talk about “types”. One of the things that people tend to not realize is that for most of the population, having a “type” doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the only thing that they’re attracted to. People in general tend to like a wider range of bodies/personalities/gender expressions than folks give them credit for. Straight and bi women may like Ryan Reynolds’ absurdly sculpted physique, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t also like someone who’s softer and squishier. There’re plenty of women who like thicc just as much as they like ripped. The same is true of straight men: there’re plenty of guys who may have a type, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t attracted to other “types”.

It helps to think of one’s “type” as something that gives an advantage; a bonus modifier on the Charisma roll, if you will. All things being equal, you’re more likely to go for your type, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t others out there who won’t turn your crank too. Sometimes it may be an out-of-the-blue “never thought I’d be into someone who is Y instead of X”, other times it may be a “yeah, I prefer X but I dig Y too” or “sometimes I’m in the mood for Y instead”.

(And honestly, the fact that a particular type was your first doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to imprint on them like a gosling and can never be attracted to folks who look different)

So it’s certainly not impossible that you could get down with someone who’s not a big beautiful woman.

But my bigger question is are you attracted to them? Like, at all? Because from the way you describe them in your letter it seems less like you find them attractive on a sexual level and more as a sort of curiosity. Like “a bird with beautiful plumage” not “someone I might conceivably want to get naked with”. And while physical attraction certainly grows as you get to know somebody, it seems like you’re just not really into them other than thinking that they’re really cool people.

To be honest, it sounds like you’re asking whether you should be attracted to them and give them a shot because they’re more conventionally attractive. Now, a lot of times, when I hear from folks who ask this question, it’s because they feel ashamed about being into large women. There’s a lot of stigma and bulls

t surrounding size, especially around larger or fat women, and guys are especially prone to feeling like they “have” to like particular types lest their buddies give them s

t for it. But you don’t sound like you’re particularly bothered by your attraction. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a mark of maturity and emotional intelligence on your part; you’re owning your attraction and f

k everyone who hates on you for it. But if it’s what you’re into… then I’m not seeing much of a reason to question it outside of a sense of “but I should give them a chance”.

And honestly? If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. In general, if you’re vibing with someone who isn’t your usual type (and also isn’t a customer where you work), then by all means, give it a shot if you feel like it. But if you’re just pursuing it out of a misplaced sense of obligation? Honestly, you’ve got better things to do with your time on this earth.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was dating a girl from another country. The first year we basically lived together and everything felt like a dream. At the start of 2018, she had to move back to Europe. She wasn’t sure about whether she wanted a long distance relationship, but we decided to give it a go.

We were able to see each other 4 times during the year, but as time went by I noticed she was starting to pull away. She would text me less, not bother setting up Facetime dates, etc. I decided to tell her about this, and she simply said she was busy and not on her phone all the time. Eventually time passed and during the last weeks of December, I would notice she wouldn’t even bother to text. I decided to address the elephant in the room and she said we needed to take a break. I agreed and made sure that we both knew how to act during the break (would we see other people, etc).

Halfway through the break, she asked if we could talk. I had honestly been having a hard time during the break, since I really missed her. I decided to reach out to mutual friends and ask for advice on how to make amends and fix things. When she called me, she told me that some of our friends had reached out to her. She didn’t seem to keen on continuing the relationship and I honestly wasn’t going to force her into it if she was ready to move on.

She however wanted to be friends. I still had very strong feelings for her and the next day decided to tell her that I would always cherish our relationship together but I couldn’t be friends with her right away because I needed the time to heal and settle how I felt for her. I removed her from social media which seemed to have upset her. She sent me a message saying she was upset and that I hurt her.

I know am starting to question if I did the right thing by going the nuclear option.

Second Chances, Second Thoughts

DEAR SECOND CHANCES, SECOND THOUGHTS: One of the biggest questions that a couple faces following a break-up is “What should we do now?” It’s an easy enough question to answer if the relationship ended badly: the hard feelings, the anger and other factors that triggered the break-up in the first place usually make it a no-brainer. Similarly, if things ended amicably and you still have that core of affection and respect for one another even if the relationship didn’t work, it’s easy enough to say “yeah, we should stay friends.”

Other times, it’s not so clear.

Of course, there’s a lot of cultural pressure to say that you want to stay friends after the break-up. It’s what you’re expected to do to prove that you’re both mature adults and that this is all just fine. But to be perfectly honest: not only are there folks who aren’t in a place where they can handle that, but not everybody wants that in the first place. Not everybody wants to stay in contact with their ex, even if the break-up wasn’t so bad. Sometimes you want a clean and complete break so you can heal and move forward. But it’s not always easy to say this, especially if it wasn’t an ugly break-up. There’s that expectation that of course you’re going to stay friends because why wouldn’t you?

Well, there’s always the fact that your ex treated you pretty shabbily over the course of your relationship. Sure, the end of your relationship was fairly low key and non-dramatic but the circumstances that lead you there were painful as hell. In your case, SCST, your ex was kind of an asshole to you. She treated you with some serious disrespect over the course of the time you were apart. It was clear that she saw the relationship as an increasingly low priority and treated you like an afterthought. If she was having thoughts about being in a long-distance relationship, she could have brought those up directly or she could have done the honorable thing and ended the relationship herself. Letting contact dry up and pretending that there weren’t any problems – especially when it’s causing you actual distress – is a pretty sh

ty thing to do to someone you care about.

To my mind, it’s somewhat rich that she’s giving you grief over the fact that you’ve cut ties when she was doing the same thing to you. The only difference is that she was performing the death of a thousand cuts, while you cut the head off in one go. So while your cutting her off and taking the Nuclear Option may have hurt her, that was hurt that she earned.

I think you did the right thing, SCST. The point of The Nuclear Option – removing them from your social media, blocking their number, filtering their emails and otherwise cutting contact – isn’t about “we broke up and now you’re dead to me”. It’s an acknowledgement that break-ups hurt and you need time to let those wounds heal. Those wounds can’t close if you’re continually picking at the scab by Facebook stalking them to see if they’re dating anyone or reminding yourself about how much you miss them by following their adventures on Instagram. Nor, for that matter, can you heal if they keep coming around and reopening the wounds, whether they intend to or not.

That’s why many times the best thing you can do is lock them away. It doesn’t need to be forever, but it does need to be long enough for you to do what you need to in order to heal. And while it may suck for the other party… they don’t get a say in things. Your healing process is for you, not them.

And while we’re at it, your emotions aren’t a democracy. Other people don’t get a vote in how you feel or what relationships you want to pursue. You’re not obligated to be friends with somebody after you break up with them, just because they want you to.

To be blunt: if your ex wanted to stay friends after the break-up, then she should’ve acted like one before you broke up.

Good luck.

ASK DR. NERDLOVE: Dear Dr. NerdLove,

How can I get a life?

I live with my family, and having spent a tolerably happy childhood, am almost an adult. Since the last year or so, however, my relationship with my father has grown rather cold, and he seems to have lost his affection for me, which has almost broke my heart.

I have no friends outside of my family (a few acquaintances and half friends, but correspondence is very scarce and our seeing each other even more so) and even between my family members there is little intimacy, agreement, or pleasure to be found.

I want to be happy and fulfilled, but instead I am bored, vexed, and lonely most of every day. I want to make friends, but I do not go anywhere but church, and I hardly know of any opportunities. Very few things actually thrill me anymore. What to do?

Sincerely, 

A Confused and Lonely Friend

DEAR A CONFUSED AND LONELY FRIEND: The answer’s in the question, ACLF.

You don’t go anywhere but church and you don’t have much contact with people outside of your immediate family. Changing those two factors in the equation will give you profoundly different results. Going out and pursuing interests outside of church will put you in contact with folks who share those interests. And if you aren’t sure what interests you may have outside of the church and family… well, now’s the perfect time to start exploring, trying new things and seeing what strikes your fancy.

But there’s a couple parts of your letter that leapt out at me. The first is that your relationship with your father’s suddenly started to become distant and cold and that you don’t have much happiness in your life.

Without knowing the circumstances surrounding things with your father, it sounds like you may be having issues with depression. As you start making headway finding new places to explore and new people to hang out with… consider talking to a counselor or therapist. They might be able to provide you with some insight about your emotional situation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)