DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your articles and posts for several years now, and I have a lot in common with some the other people who write to you. I’m a 36-year-old man who did well in high school and college, has done tolerably well in the workplace since I graduated (I’m far from wealthy, but not struggling to pay the bills either), but spent much of my life struggling to fit in socially. I never faced a lot of bullying or overt hostility, but I spent my school years and much of my 20s feeling awkward and on-edge around my classmates and colleagues. Although I did make some friends with whom I remain very close to this day, I always felt incredibly anxious in large groups, and was tormented by the notion that everyone else found personal interaction a lot easier than I did. I always got along at least as well with women as I did with men, but I didn’t have any kind of romantic or sexual experiences until the age of 32, when I lost my virginity to L, an old friend from middle school, and went on to date her for a while. It was a great experience for both of us, but after six good months, it became clear that we were not a great match romantically, although she remains one of my very closest friends.

I am now doing very well in most ways– I have worked in retail since 2004, and constant interaction with both customers and coworkers has helped me to feel much more confident in social situations. For a little over two years, I’ve been working at a local health food store. It’s a great environment – the pay isn’t terrific, but it’s much better than I’ve gotten at any other job, and my managers really seem to appreciate my contributions. And my customers and coworkers are also wonder, most of them being intelligent, funny, and interested in many of the same things that I am. Naturally, quite a few of these customers and coworkers are women, and I have become quite friendly with some of them. In fact, there are several women (some of them customers, some of them co-workers from other departments) who stop by my department to chat very frequently, even though they usually do not buy anything. It seems possible that at least some of these women might be interested in me as something more than a friend.

Based on the excellent advice you have given to so many other people, I know exactly what I need to do in order to find out for certain: ask them out, listen to their answer, be cool with whatever the answer happens to be. Here’s where things get a little complicated: although all of these women seem like they have great personalities, and although most of them would be considered highly attractive by “conventional standards”… to put it plainly, I am attracted to larger ladies, and most of the women I am getting to know at work are very slender. Part of me thinks I should try asking some of them out anyway, because I really do love their personalities, we have a great time chatting, and I hate the idea of being superficial. And it’s possible that attraction would grow with time. But I don’t know if that would really be the case. L is a big, curvy woman, and when we were dating, I absolutely loved every inch of her body, including the parts that she was embarrassed about. She is still the only woman I have ever had sex with, so I don’t know to what degree I could become physically attracted to a woman with a different body type. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I shouldn’t “test the waters” and just see what happens. But on the other hand, I worry that it would be unfair to ask women to give me a try, when I am not at all sure there is the potential for long-term attraction.

So that’s where I was hoping you might have some advice: based on both your own personal experience and the stories you have heard as an advice columnist/dating coach, is it common for physical attraction to grow with time, even with people who are not our “type”, physically speaking? Or would I ultimately be better off trying to meet women who I feel more immediately attracted to, even if it means I have to look further afield?

-Inexperienced in The Nutrition Aisle

DEAR INEXPERIENCED IN THE NUTRITION AISLE: I think you’re overthinking things, INA, in a number of different directions.

First, let’s tackle the practical aspect: hitting on people while you’re on the job is a BAD goddamn idea. There are jobs where you can plausibly get away with flirting with the customers, like bartending. Working at a grocery store? Not really one of them, especially if you’re still working at a Dating 101 level. If your social calibration is really well tuned, then maybe. But right now? It’s not a good idea. Now if you wanted to drop that you were single and see if any of them decided to pick up that particular hint and run with it… well, if they ask you out then you’re hardly to blame. But in terms of hitting on customers? Nah, bad idea, don’t do it.

But let’s talk about “types”. One of the things that people tend to not realize is that for most of the population, having a “type” doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the only thing that they’re attracted to. People in general tend to like a wider range of bodies/personalities/gender expressions than folks give them credit for. Straight and bi women may like Ryan Reynolds’ absurdly sculpted physique, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t also like someone who’s softer and squishier. There’re plenty of women who like thicc just as much as they like ripped. The same is true of straight men: there’re plenty of guys who may have a type, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t attracted to other “types”.

It helps to think of one’s “type” as something that gives an advantage; a bonus modifier on the Charisma roll, if you will. All things being equal, you’re more likely to go for your type, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t others out there who won’t turn your crank too. Sometimes it may be an out-of-the-blue “never thought I’d be into someone who is Y instead of X”, other times it may be a “yeah, I prefer X but I dig Y too” or “sometimes I’m in the mood for Y instead”.

(And honestly, the fact that a particular type was your first doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to imprint on them like a gosling and can never be attracted to folks who look different)

So it’s certainly not impossible that you could get down with someone who’s not a big beautiful woman.

But my bigger question is are you attracted to them? Like, at all? Because from the way you describe them in your letter it seems less like you find them attractive on a sexual level and more as a sort of curiosity. Like “a bird with beautiful plumage” not “someone I might conceivably want to get naked with”. And while physical attraction certainly grows as you get to know somebody, it seems like you’re just not really into them other than thinking that they’re really cool people.

To be honest, it sounds like you’re asking whether you should be attracted to them and give them a shot because they’re more conventionally attractive. Now, a lot of times, when I hear from folks who ask this question, it’s because they feel ashamed about being into large women. There’s a lot of stigma and bulls

t surrounding size, especially around larger or fat women, and guys are especially prone to feeling like they “have” to like particular types lest their buddies give them s

t for it. But you don’t sound like you’re particularly bothered by your attraction. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a mark of maturity and emotional intelligence on your part; you’re owning your attraction and f

k everyone who hates on you for it. But if it’s what you’re into… then I’m not seeing much of a reason to question it outside of a sense of “but I should give them a chance”.

And honestly? If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. In general, if you’re vibing with someone who isn’t your usual type (and also isn’t a customer where you work), then by all means, give it a shot if you feel like it. But if you’re just pursuing it out of a misplaced sense of obligation? Honestly, you’ve got better things to do with your time on this earth.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was dating a girl from another country. The first year we basically lived together and everything felt like a dream. At the start of 2018, she had to move back to Europe. She wasn’t sure about whether she wanted a long distance relationship, but we decided to give it a go.

We were able to see each other 4 times during the year, but as time went by I noticed she was starting to pull away. She would text me less, not bother setting up Facetime dates, etc. I decided to tell her about this, and she simply said she was busy and not on her phone all the time. Eventually time passed and during the last weeks of December, I would notice she wouldn’t even bother to text. I decided to address the elephant in the room and she said we needed to take a break. I agreed and made sure that we both knew how to act during the break (would we see other people, etc).

Halfway through the break, she asked if we could talk. I had honestly been having a hard time during the break, since I really missed her. I decided to reach out to mutual friends and ask for advice on how to make amends and fix things. When she called me, she told me that some of our friends had reached out to her. She didn’t seem to keen on continuing the relationship and I honestly wasn’t going to force her into it if she was ready to move on.

She however wanted to be friends. I still had very strong feelings for her and the next day decided to tell her that I would always cherish our relationship together but I couldn’t be friends with her right away because I needed the time to heal and settle how I felt for her. I removed her from social media which seemed to have upset her. She sent me a message saying she was upset and that I hurt her.

I know am starting to question if I did the right thing by going the nuclear option.

Second Chances, Second Thoughts

DEAR SECOND CHANCES, SECOND THOUGHTS: One of the biggest questions that a couple faces following a break-up is “What should we do now?” It’s an easy enough question to answer if the relationship ended badly: the hard feelings, the anger and other factors that triggered the break-up in the first place usually make it a no-brainer. Similarly, if things ended amicably and you still have that core of affection and respect for one another even if the relationship didn’t work, it’s easy enough to say “yeah, we should stay friends.”

Other times, it’s not so clear.

Of course, there’s a lot of cultural pressure to say that you want to stay friends after the break-up. It’s what you’re expected to do to prove that you’re both mature adults and that this is all just fine. But to be perfectly honest: not only are there folks who aren’t in a place where they can handle that, but not everybody wants that in the first place. Not everybody wants to stay in contact with their ex, even if the break-up wasn’t so bad. Sometimes you want a clean and complete break so you can heal and move forward. But it’s not always easy to say this, especially if it wasn’t an ugly break-up. There’s that expectation that of course you’re going to stay friends because why wouldn’t you?

Well, there’s always the fact that your ex treated you pretty shabbily over the course of your relationship. Sure, the end of your relationship was fairly low key and non-dramatic but the circumstances that lead you there were painful as hell. In your case, SCST, your ex was kind of an asshole to you. She treated you with some serious disrespect over the course of the time you were apart. It was clear that she saw the relationship as an increasingly low priority and treated you like an afterthought. If she was having thoughts about being in a long-distance relationship, she could have brought those up directly or she could have done the honorable thing and ended the relationship herself. Letting contact dry up and pretending that there weren’t any problems – especially when it’s causing you actual distress – is a pretty sh

ty thing to do to someone you care about.

To my mind, it’s somewhat rich that she’s giving you grief over the fact that you’ve cut ties when she was doing the same thing to you. The only difference is that she was performing the death of a thousand cuts, while you cut the head off in one go. So while your cutting her off and taking the Nuclear Option may have hurt her, that was hurt that she earned.

I think you did the right thing, SCST. The point of The Nuclear Option – removing them from your social media, blocking their number, filtering their emails and otherwise cutting contact – isn’t about “we broke up and now you’re dead to me”. It’s an acknowledgement that break-ups hurt and you need time to let those wounds heal. Those wounds can’t close if you’re continually picking at the scab by Facebook stalking them to see if they’re dating anyone or reminding yourself about how much you miss them by following their adventures on Instagram. Nor, for that matter, can you heal if they keep coming around and reopening the wounds, whether they intend to or not.

That’s why many times the best thing you can do is lock them away. It doesn’t need to be forever, but it does need to be long enough for you to do what you need to in order to heal. And while it may suck for the other party… they don’t get a say in things. Your healing process is for you, not them.

And while we’re at it, your emotions aren’t a democracy. Other people don’t get a vote in how you feel or what relationships you want to pursue. You’re not obligated to be friends with somebody after you break up with them, just because they want you to.

To be blunt: if your ex wanted to stay friends after the break-up, then she should’ve acted like one before you broke up.

Good luck.

ASK DR. NERDLOVE: Dear Dr. NerdLove,

How can I get a life?

I live with my family, and having spent a tolerably happy childhood, am almost an adult. Since the last year or so, however, my relationship with my father has grown rather cold, and he seems to have lost his affection for me, which has almost broke my heart.

I have no friends outside of my family (a few acquaintances and half friends, but correspondence is very scarce and our seeing each other even more so) and even between my family members there is little intimacy, agreement, or pleasure to be found.

I want to be happy and fulfilled, but instead I am bored, vexed, and lonely most of every day. I want to make friends, but I do not go anywhere but church, and I hardly know of any opportunities. Very few things actually thrill me anymore. What to do?

Sincerely, 

A Confused and Lonely Friend

DEAR A CONFUSED AND LONELY FRIEND: The answer’s in the question, ACLF.

You don’t go anywhere but church and you don’t have much contact with people outside of your immediate family. Changing those two factors in the equation will give you profoundly different results. Going out and pursuing interests outside of church will put you in contact with folks who share those interests. And if you aren’t sure what interests you may have outside of the church and family… well, now’s the perfect time to start exploring, trying new things and seeing what strikes your fancy.

But there’s a couple parts of your letter that leapt out at me. The first is that your relationship with your father’s suddenly started to become distant and cold and that you don’t have much happiness in your life.

Without knowing the circumstances surrounding things with your father, it sounds like you may be having issues with depression. As you start making headway finding new places to explore and new people to hang out with… consider talking to a counselor or therapist. They might be able to provide you with some insight about your emotional situation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I, a man, have struggled with my weight for years, and so has my husband. We’ve both gained a significant amount of weight since we’ve been married, but I’m trying to mitigate that with diet and exercise. The problem is, he isn’t; and every time I try to talk with him about it, he makes me feel like I’m the bad guy for bringing it up.

Look, we’re both approaching 40, and I know we’ll never be the “twinks” we were when we met, but I’d like to be better than I am, and I am finding it very difficult to get healthy without his support. He’s pre-diabetic. He has sleep apnea. His sex drive is nowhere near it was when we met. And it’s frustrating because all of this is correctable and he’s refusing to even try. It’s like he doesn’t care.

I love my husband. I will never “fat-shame” him, and I know my weight struggles aren’t his issue. But I would find it a lot easier to tackle this if I feel like he were more supportive, and if he would try to be healthier too. I don’t know what to do, short of giving him an ultimatum: it’s me or the sugar, dude. Take your pick.

Concerned For His Health

DEAR CONCERNED FOR HIS HEALTH: One of the universal truths is that time and gravity make fools of us all in the end, CFHH, and everything we do is ultimately fighting a delaying action. This gets harder as we start hitting our 40s and 50s, when our metabolisms take a massive hit. Suddenly, the exercise that used to keep us in fighting trim no longer works like it used to and the foods we used to be able to eat with abandon turn on us.

That’s when everyone has to make a choice: is it worth it to them to change things up and work at pushing back against the inevitable? Or do we prefer the more immediate pleasures of food and relaxation?

Of course, this comes with consequences too. While it’s certainly possible to be fat and healthy, it sounds like your husband isn’t. That’s concerning. What’s slightly more concerning is that he doesn’t care.

This is where it’s time to start using your words and figuring out just how he’s feeling. His deciding to let himself go could be a symptom of – and trigger for – depression. One of the ways that depression manifests is the feeling that you’re a worthless pile of garbage and there’s no point in trying to do anything about it. Then as your physical state deteriorates, you take that as proof that you are, in fact, garbage, which reinforces those feelings. Alternately, if he’s on any medication – especially certain antidepressants – then the side-effects could be sapping his energy or desire to change things. He might be reacting to trauma or a sudden change in his life like the death of loved one or the loss of his job. Or he might have just decided he no longer gives a damn.

But he’s the only one who can tell you just what’s going on. So the best thing to do right now is sit down and have that Awkward Conversation – about your needs, his needs and just what’s going on. You’ll want to emphasize that part of what you want from him is his support for your goals, as well as your worry about his health. Sleep apnea, for example, can lead to potentially fatal complications. So let him know: you want the two of you to be there, not just for a good time but for a long time. And you want that time to be together.

The sooner you have an idea of how he’s feeling – and he understands what it is that you need from him – the sooner you two can figure out a way for both of you to get your needs met.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 27 year old male with very limited dating experience due to a combination of mild disability, career focus and self-limiting beliefs. I’ve put in a lot of work to improve things, and as a result, my confidence and energy are up.  I’ve even been approached by gay men. Being straight, I wasn’t interested, but it certainly increased my confidence in being able to land a good woman.

Some members of my friend group, possibly having noticed my increased confidence and energy, and have recently made remarks of how me and a single friend of theirs should ‘totally get together’. I’m not sure if they’re joking or legit trying to set the two of us up. She and I are compatible (similar views on money, similar interests, trust each other, have never had drama, approach conflict in a similar way) and we like each other on a platonic level. This friend group even already contains couples, so it wouldn’t make anything awkward in that regard.

The problem here is I have never seen her in any romantic way, and as far as I can tell she has shown no signs of romantic interest in me.

I’m not sure what to do. Should I make a move? See if flirty behavior builds feelings for either of us? Ask one of our mutual friends if they’re just joking about the whole thing? Accept the relationship as platonic and find someone else entirely? Ask her how she feels about the situation and act accordingly? Something else?

Thanks,

To Ask or Not To Ask

DEAR TO ASK OR NOT TO ASK: Slow your roll, TAoNTA. You aren’t just putting the cart before the horse, you don’t even have a cart or a horse yet. The fact that your buds have been making comments about how you and their friend should get together may well just be that: stray comments. Observing that there’re two single people in the social circle isn’t quite the same as actively ‘shipping the couple or trying to set the two of you up as an item. Taking this as anything other than idle chatter is getting so far ahead of yourself that you’ve looped back around like a weird sociological mobius strip.

But let’s say, for argument’s sake, that your friends really do think that you two would make a good match and are actually, actively trying to pair the spares. Like I said to STSC, your relationships aren’t a democracy. Other people don’t get a vote in who you date or who you’re attracted to. The fact that they think that you and she might be a good couple in no way obligates you to actually give it a shot, especially if you aren’t interested in her. The last thing either of you need is to go through the motions of trying to date because other people want to see it happen. That’s a great way to cause all kinds of friction in the social group – the kind that causes hard feelings and tears friends apart.

And on top of that: this is all very one sided. Right now, you have no idea if they’re telling her this as well. She may well have no idea that they’re playing Cupid. And for that matter… she may well have perfectly good reasons for not wanting a relationship right now and would seriously resent her friends sticking their noses into things.

Now, if we had some data on any of those points, we could start to see whether it’s worth doing some exploratory flirting and see if anything develops. But we don’t.  As it is: you’re not feeling it for her in the first place, which means that you don’t really have any reason to try to pursue things with her. Right now, that would come off far more like trying to fill a hole labeled “girlfriend” with an available warm body instead of starting a relationship based on mutual attraction and respect.

So with the facts on the ground being what they are, I think the best thing you can do is just laugh it off and ignore the whole thing as a joke. And if it bothers you, tell your friends to back off with the jokey-jokes.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)