DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This isn’t really about romance. This is about managing the underbelly of masculinity as it touches on otherwise reasonable people with Baggage. And trying to do it with humanity.

I’m (cis-woman) in school – a graduate program – and I’ve got this friend (cis-man), who’s also in school, but an undergrad. We are both quite a bit older than the rest of our classmates, and we are the same age (mid-30s). So of course we self-identify as members of the same tribe and become fast friends. We both love thinking hard about the same intellectual pursuits, we share a cynical attitude towards pop culture, millennials, and love learning for the sake of it.

Lovely, right? Well yes generally. But here’s the thing: M* – let’s call him that – doesn’t have a whole lot of emotional support. Not a ton of friends. No kidding! I mean, he’s got “friends” but they’re 21 and it’s hard to relate. I admit I run into the same problem, but my “younger” friends are 28-31, and so we share more life experiences.

The upshot is that pretty much every time he hangs out he does the emotional download. I call it the All About M Show. He occasionally suffers from bipolar disorder and depression, so it can get intense.

We we are not talking All About M, we engage in intellectual debate – fun! – but he’s the assertive sort that has to Win. I’m a Ph.D. student – I like to learn. I don’t want to win. In fact, competition stresses me out and this is in fact why I quit my perfectly well-paying respectable job to return to school. Meanwhile, M’s a bit of a freight train when it comes to verbalizing his inner monologue. To contribute to a conversation, I have to pluck up the energy to actively interrupt him. He lets me do this. And when I do, he listens. Unfortunately, I really want him to ask me what I think. To ask ME questions for once. Why this irritates me — apart from the whole “male privilege” crap — it gives me flashbacks from yesteryear of interacting with a Depressed Mom who suffered from depression’s peculiar kind of narcissism. I was socialized to be a Good Listener — and I don’t f

king want that job anymore.

The upshot of THIS is that occasionally I’d feel too exhausted to hang out with him. I had to (1) be on my toes and prepared to interrupt him during the intellectual parts of conversation and (2) patient enough to Listen Kindly to Problemz.

I THOUGHT I was navigating this. I thought I was doing a decent job internalizing and then compartmentalizing the mommy issues. but THEN he wants to introduce sex into the picture. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this at first. Went home to think about it for a few days. Sex is nice, he’s a good friend, win-win right? Hm. He sold it pretty well.

Nevertheless, I sent what I thought was a relatively thoughtful email about how I wasn’t interested in FwB at my age. It would just turn into a mess for me. Seriously, I’m 36. I’m in New York. I’m up to HERE with “casual.” Sleeping with him would make me hate him eventually. He responded well, and things went back to normal.

Well, I thought things were fine. Yet, a few more days later, and I just got angry. Explosive anger. I feel like a free-therapy-blow-up-doll and I actively do NOT want to see him anymore. The frustration floating around in my chest surprises, shocks, and bothers me.

He didn’t bring up the sex issue again for a few months. Did it again the other day. Now I want to block his phone number. I want to punch him in the face.

I think a lot of my anger derives from stereotypes about men, my own less-than-fond-memory-producing past experiences with exes, and the aforementioned mommy issues, and not from M at all. Can you help me untangle some of this??? I’m being a complete dick, right?

The advice from the peanut gallery is to just “break up” with him. If it’s not fun, don’t do it. I guess I need permission to flake on someone.

Not The Therapist

DEAR NOT THE THERAPIST: There’re a couple of issues here, NTT. The first is that dealing with M takes a lot of emotional and mental energy, energy that is hard to come by when you’re a doctoral candidate. He sounds like the sort of person who’s well-meaning but self-centered and somewhat clueless; call it male privilege, call it pure ignorance, whatever it is, friendship with him isn’t going to be a two-way street without some major direction from the other person. And that’s gonna be a tough call for anyone, never mind someone who’s in grad school.

The other is that, inadvertently or not, he’s triggering emotional PTSD and that’s seriously f

king up your chi. He keeps managing to hit these emotional landmines on top of the issue of being a difficult friend and that’s throwing you for a loop.

Now, I don’t think the rage and anger you’re feeling for him is necessarily justified – unless he’s being a major s

t, I don’t think his behavior has necessitated a punch in the face – but it’s still real and it’s bothering you. That’s a legitimate issue and it’s something worth addressing. It sucks that he doesn’t have as many sources of emotional support, and it sounds like he needs a lot of it, but that’s not your responsibility. You didn’t sign a suicide pact, you’re not under contract to be his emotional sounding board or his supplementary parent. This is doubly true if being friends with him puts you through this wringer when you hang out together. You aren’t obligated to sacrifice your own mental and emotional well-being for him.

So yes, you’re perfectly justified in breaking up with him, as it were. But here’s something to keep in mind: you DON’T need to justify ending a relationship. You are well within your rights to end a relationship with someone because you just want to. Full stop, end of story. It might be nice to tell him why – “Listen, you’re really intense and you’re hitting some buttons that really bother me” – but it’s not necessary.  If your lives are entangled together – commingled finances, living together, etc. – then it’s better to give some advance notice so you can both make the necessary arrangements, but it’s not as though you have to get permission to break up with someone, whether you’re dating or just friends.

So, permission granted. Stop being friends with the guy and stop sacrificing your emotional well-being when you don’t need to.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off I want to thank you for opening my eyes up to the fact that talking to women is a skill that, like any other, can be improved with practice. For the longest time I was confused by the societal idea that this skill is something you are either born with or you are screwed for the rest of your life.

Now, on to my question. In your article about surviving high school, you wrote that this time is best spent learning to talk to women as friends and focusing on self improvement.

But in that same article you refer to talking to women as a skill that one can get better at by putting in the hours.

Also, you’ve also written that college will be great if we spent high school improving ourselves and practicing our game. I though we’re supposed to focus on talking to girls as friends rather than “game”.

I’m really confused because I’m not sure what exactly you mean. Should we practice our “game” or just get comfortable with interacting with girls?

Sorry for the confusing question.

Sincerely,

Confused Carl

DEAR CONFUSED CARL: It’s both. One flows naturally from the other.

Look at it like this: talking to women in general is a skill. The more comfortable you get interacting with women – the ones you’re close to, the ones you know casually and the ones you don’t know or barely know – the better you will do when you’re talking to the women you’re attracted to.

That experience treating women as people is part of what demystifies them and makes it easier to relate. It helps increase your social calibration and your ability to joke and play around. It means that you’ll be more comfortable striking up conversations with new people and reading their signs. It means that you’ll have a wider repertoire of experiences and insights to draw from, which will help you connect with them.

There’re going to be plenty of women you’re not attracted to in your life; being able to talk to them is going to be just as important as the women you want to date.

And here’s the thing: you can flirt just for the sake of flirting. Flirting, when done right, is fun. Learning to flirt with intent and without intent are valuable skills to cultivate. Think of it as the difference between a pick-up basketball game with your friends and being in the play-offs. What you learn and practice in the former becomes part of your muscle memory and helps you in the latter.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m hoping you can help me get out of a proverbial pickle.

I have a very close friend, who is very dear to me. She is funny, she is clever and we both bond over similar interests. Unfortunately, however, she also has mental health problems. Due to a troubled childhood, emotionally neglectful parents, and teenage years spent in a toxic and abusive “friend” group, she is incapable of fully trusting people, has extreme self-esteem issues, depressive episodes and often acts like a scared, cornered animal.

She has been going to the psychiatrist and getting treated medically, but is still in extreme denial over her issues. Despite being diagnosed by the doctor with some serious issues, she still considers medication the only thing needed to fix everything. She, for the longest time, was opposed to the idea of therapy, claiming that it might unearth things that’ll make things worse overall. She notoriously misses appointments with her therapist, says that since the therapy isn’t working (she’s gone maybe twice over three months) then it’s pointless. Generally, she seems to be unwilling to get serious help, because that means having to admit things are wrong, facing them and she feels she might be unable to do it.

Our friendship has been taking a hit because of it. I do not fault her for having mental issues, and I do not fault her for being afraid to start treatment. However, over the past six months she has been needing more and more of my attention and energy to tell her she isn’t the worst person to exist and that there is possibility of improvement. I love her dearly, but I didn’t sign up to be her therapist or carer and that new element of our relationship she’s imposing on me saps me of energy. This means I speak to her less, I meet her less and generally interact with her less.

I have tried a few interventions. I explained the situation to her, telling her that she needs help and I am unable to provide it and that our relationship is taking a hit. She seems genuinely saddened by it, promises to do something and does a nominal, one-off action and then makes excuses. I have done this twice or three times and the effect is always short term. She will take any form of negative comments extremely seriously and as a sign of my hatred towards her, so I don’t do this too often as she is clearly very taxed by them (I do believe it’s genuine and not manipulative, but I wouldn’t know, would I?).

Now, since she’s taking way more than she’s giving, she’s forcing new roles that I did not sign up for and she’s sapping my energy, the logical thing to do (I think) would be to abandon the relationship. However, firstly, she is a very close friend of mine and I do care about her and don’t just want to ditch our long friendship. And secondly, perhaps more importantly, I feel she will abandon any hope of improvement, retreat into her shell and never get better – I am a very important part of her support network (she doesn’t trust her parents and I am one of two people who really know what’s going on with her) – and I don’t want that. I also don’t want to give her a get-help-or-lose-me ultimatum, because ultimatums seem like an awful thing to do. But then I don’t think doing nothing will help either, our friendship will suffer, my energy levels will suffer and she won’t benefit from it, eventually leading to our friendship decaying.

I have no idea what to do. Help me Doctor!

Kind regards,

Stumped

DEAR STUMPED: One of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship, platonic or romantic, is when someone needs help but won’t take it. Whether it’s the alcoholic who refuses to see that they have a problem or – as in your case – someone who has mental health issues, it can be incredibly frustrating, even damaging to the people around them. You know damn good and well that they have a problem and the answer is clear as day… why don’t they see it? It’s enough to make you want to tear your hair out. And in this case, you’re being dragged into her drama as she continually demands that you take on roles and responsibilities that you never signed up for.

The problem is that you can’t make someone do the right thing. You can cajole. You can request. You can beg and plead on bended knee. You can threaten. But at the end of the day, they have to be the one to make that decision. Trust me: I let my depression rage out of control before I was willing to do anything about it because I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t hack it. I didn’t want to be “weak”. It wasn’t until I had to leave school for a while before I could admit that I needed to do something. This is part of the reason why Alcoholics Anonymous talks about needing to hit “rock bottom” before getting help; that tends to be the point that someone realizes that they can’t gloss over the issue or pretend it’s not as bad or not take getting help as seriously as they need to.

Unfortunately, your friend has yet to hit rock bottom. And – please don’t take this the wrong way – in your own way, you’re still cushioning her fall. It’s hard, really hard, to do what needs to be done sometimes when your friend needs help. You don’t want to see them in pain! You don’t want them to think that you don’t care! You certainly don’t want to make things worse. But in a perverse way, that’s exactly what’s happening. Every time you’ve tried to take a hard line to get her to take her recovery seriously, she’s managed to get you to give in. You’ve shown her that if she makes enough of a fuss, you’re going to end up taking on responsibilities that aren’t yours and providing care and support that you’re not qualified to give… and that lets her put off getting help a little bit longer. And worse: it drags you down with her and that’s not fair to you.

You can’t make her do anything but you can draw a line in the sand. You tell her that you love her and you’re her friend but as her friend, you need to pull back until she gets help. Not just pills – which can help, don’t get me wrong – but help. When she starts to seriously work with someone, not just a token effort but makes genuine progress and a commitment to get better, you’ll come back. But you can’t be her excuse for not getting help and you can’t continue to do the work for her.

And then you step away. You don’t answer her emails. You don’t take her calls. You don’t let her guilt you into backing down again. She’s going to fall and if you’re there to catch her, she’s not going to stop relying on you as her crutch and her excuse to not see a doctor. Yeah, she may get hurt. She may get seriously hurt and that will tear your heart to shreds. If you legitimately fear that she’s going to hurt herself or do permanent damage, you can tell her parents or you can call a 911; they’ll be in a position to make the call as to whether more drastic steps need to be taken. Hopefully it won’t come to that. Hopefully, your come-to-Jesus talk will be the smack from the Chair Leg of Truth that will make her realize that she can’t put it off any longer.   But you. Can’t. Fix. Her. You don’t have the training. You can’t live her life for her or take her responsibilities on. She needs to be the one to do it. As much as it will hurt if she hurts herself, as awful and as guilty as you’ll feel, it’s not your fault if she does. You can’t control other people or make the choices for them. You can only do the right and loving thing and that means cutting her off so that a) she knows that she can’t put it all on you and b) so that you don’t get hurt in the process.

This doesn’t mean that you abandon her; you can keep tabs on her from a step or two removed. You can stay in contact with her parents and monitor her that way. But you have to maintain the hard line. And it will suck. You’ll feel awful. You’ll feel like the worst friend in the world. But you’re not. You’re doing what needs to be done, so that she can get the help she needs.

I wish I had something better for you. But at the end of the day: the only person who can save her is herself.

Good luck, Stumped. And write back to let us know how you and your friend are doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have kind of a sensitive issue to talk about. The other day I went out with my boyfriend and his coworkers to a dinner. I like most of his coworkers since I talk to them several times a week when I pick my boyfriend up for lunch and drop him off afterwards. However, at the dinner there was one coworker whom I’ve never really met before whom I guess I’ll just call A for this story. Right from the start A made me feel uncomfortable. I’m a vegetarian, which most of his coworkers know, so when his boss asked me what kind of appetizer I liked, I picked a vegetarian one. A and his girlfriend then criticized the lack of meat in the option and loudly proclaimed that it wasn’t food unless it had meat in it. That made me feel uncomfortable but, then again, I’m used to the “Gasp! That’s horrible! What do you eat?” reaction from everyone and their brothers. It’s rude to harass and berate me for it, especially at a dinner with coworkers, but it seems like that’s still a socially acceptable form of abuse in polite company.

Still, this is really the appetizer (I’m sorry) of this story. Most of my boyfriend’s coworkers are women and, actually, he and A were the only two men at this dinner of seven people. Both A and my boyfriend are ex-wrestlers and at one point the conversation turned towards wrestling. At first that was fine — weight categories and this match they had or that one (whatever) — but then A asked if my boyfriend had ever wrestled a girl before.

What followed was a frankly rather uncomfortable conversation between the two of them that eventually devolved into A telling a sexually charged (and misogynistic) story about a wrestling match with a girl that I, honestly, don’t remember the details of because I was so uncomfortable I spent the whole time staring at my salad with my hand on my boyfriend’s knee trying to think up SOME way to tell him that the topic made me uncomfortable and could we PLEASE go back to discussing his other coworker’s upcoming vacation to Trinidad? If his phone hadn’t been dead, I would have just texted him and told him, explicitly, to stop it and change the topic.

As it was, I didn’t want to speak up and invite more criticism (especially not after being berated for my food choices) and I couldn’t focus enough to see if the other women at the table were as uncomfortable as me. Eventually, A’s girlfriend and the boss-lady both told the men to switch the topic, but not before I was about ready to burst into tears right there at the dinner table.

You see, the truth is I survived being raped as a young teenager. I’m now in my mid-twenties and ten years removed from the experience. Thanks to some frankly fantastic counselors, therapists, family, and friends, I live a pretty awesome life and I’ve been able to overcome androphobia, depression (including several suicide attempts), and PTSD to live like any other loudly, proudly nerdy young woman. I work at my dream job (even though I have 2 female coworkers out of the 20 in my department) and sometimes I deal with idiots who fling around rape jokes like they aren’t stabbing me in the heart with every word out of their mouth. But even that’s just a blip on my RADAR where once upon a time it was the end of my day and I wouldn’t be able to function anymore. I am the picture of “It does get better!” but even I’m not immune from moments like this dinner which cause flair ups of panic attacks to happen.

Thankfully, I kept it together all through the rest of dinner and even though I forced most of my cheerfulness at the end, I did enjoy talking to my boyfriend’s coworkers. I didn’t start crying until it was just my boyfriend and I in the car and I was finally able to let all the pent up emotions come out in a place where I felt safe. Now, my boyfriend knows about my past. He knows that he’s the first person I’ve ever managed to hold down a relationship with, and he knows that even though I go day by day like any other woman, I do sometimes become hyper aware of people around me and get uncomfortable. Despite all this, I’ve never let him see me have a panic attack before — I’ve had two others during the course of our relationship and in both of them I just went back to my place and had them in the privacy of my own home. This is the first one and, aside from doing everything wrong by telling me to just calm down, he said a few things that really upset me. 

First, when I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not ever go to a function if A would be present, he told me not to worry so much about it — that’s just A’s personality. Besides, he said, A’s not my boyfriend so he wasn’t the one I had to worry about. I was so upset — again! — by what he said that I could not even reply. I just dropped him off at his home and went back to mine to cry some more.

It’s been a few days and I’m still upset. I don’t know what to say to my boyfriend. He really upset me but no matter how many times I try to explain to him about what PTSD is and how even though you can be functionally cured it never actually goes away, and how I’m more sensitive to the things people say to me because of my past, I sometimes feel like I’m hitting a brick wall. Don’t get me wrong — my boyfriend is a great guy. He didn’t run away when I told him my past. He waited over a year for me to be ready to have sex and then walked me through my very first consensual sexual encounter (and it was wonderful). He brings me tea and sweets when I’m working long nights and surprises me with my favorite foods or a new video game when I’m stressed out. He conspires with me to make some rather epic cosplays for con season. He really does make me happy but I am so stuck. I feel like I’ve done everything I can to make him see things the way I do.

If you have any insight on how I should have dealt with dinner or what I can possibly say to help my boyfriend understand why he’s upset me so much, that would be great. As it is, I’m starting to lose hope that he’ll ever get it. Maybe I’m asking too much to expect that from him, but I don’t ever want to go back to that dark time in my life where I kept my mouth shut and didn’t talk about it. I’d rather be single than go back to that, but I don’t want to lose one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

Thank you,

Bent, not Broken

DEAR BENT, NOT BROKEN: I want to start by saying that it’s clear you’re an incredibly strong and resilient woman, and it’s a testament to your strength that you’ve been able to hold things together. I imagine your boyfriend was caught off guard by your panic attack and, having had no experience with them before, may have had good intentions when he was telling you to calm down. I’m willing to bet that at the time, he didn’t realize that this was precisely the wrong thing to say.

That having been said: your boyfriend’s being kind of an a

hole on this issue. He seems like he’s a pretty good guy under most circumstances, but this is a very serious issue – a legitimate deal breaker – and I can understand why you’re so conflicted over this.

Let’s take things from the top.

I think the only way you could have handled the situation at dinner differently is if you’d gamed things out in advance. From what you’ve said, I don’t think your boyfriend realized that the wrestling story could trigger a panic attack – especially if he didn’t know you had them before, so I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think he was uncaring so much as ignorant. I do think he handled things badly, and could probably have headed off a lot of this early on by telling A and his girlfriend to shut the hell up from the get-go.

Coworker A and his girlfriend on the other hand are colossal d

kbags of the first order and I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to be around them. Making a production out of somebody’s dietary choices is a dick move. I wonder what they would’ve said if you were keeping kosher or halal, or if you had to stick to gluten-free options: would they have gone on at length about the wonders of bacon or tossed bread rolls your way. It’s profoundly rude, incredibly unprofessional and frankly, you would’ve been well within your rights to call them both a

holes to their smug faces. I understand why you didn’t – socialization is a motherf

ker under the best of circumstances and considering what you’ve gone through, it’s completely understandable why you didn’t feel like confronting him over it.

Of course, it wouldn’t have killed your boyfriend to tell the Moron Twins to stuff it either.

Continuing to tell a sexually charged story about wrestling a woman in front of your boss is… yeah, in most jobs I’ve had, even the more laid back ones, this would’ve gotten a pretty firm smackdown for unprofessional behavior.

Since I’m not THE Doctor, I can’t take you back in time to warn your past self; I can only recommend that you work out a signal that means “Things are about to get bad if you don’t change the subject now.” A gesture, poking his knee in a particular rhythm… something subtle but unmistakable for those times when you don’t feel as though you can say anything.

Now, as for the way he handled the aftermath…

I think your boyfriend is a good guy. I think he clearly cares deeply for you and wants to help you as best as he can.

That doesn’t preclude him from being an a

hole over this.

Your boyfriend may be aware of your past and he clearly seems to willing to go the extra mile to accommodate your needs – being willing to give you all the time you needed to get comfortable enough with him to have sex is a huge sign that he’s a really good guy – but he has blind-spot over the fact that you have PTSD.

He, like many guys, probably has never realized just how much things affect you – the casual flinging around of rape jokes or the way a graphic depiction of sexualized violence, for example – because it doesn’t bother him. He blew off your concerns about A because you’re with him and since he (that is, your boyfriend) would never assault you,  you shouldn’t feel threatened.

Guys tend to assume that because they’re not bothered by something, it’s only reasonable to assume that nobody else would either. This is one of those areas where male privilege rears it’s ugly head – these issues aren’t part of their day-to-day world, so they don’t realize that it’s even a thing.

You’ve already stated that he doesn’t quite process that PTSD stays with you, even when you’re “over” the traumatizing event… I imagine that part of this is because he’s never seen you have a panic attack like this before. After all, you’ve gone through therapy, you’ve conquered your fears and clearly you’re not a delicate wilting flower, so why should this be a thing now?  I’m also willing to bet that at least some of his stubbornness is because he feels helpless. Guys are socialized to be “doers”. When someone we care about has a problem, we want to help solve it; it’s part of how we show we care. Feeling helpless to do something, anything for someone we love is incredibly frustrating, and sometimes we express that frustration by trying to make the problem not be a problem any more.

No, it doesn’t make much sense, but guys aren’t as logical as society likes to portray us as being.

Furthermore,  he probably doesn’t really understand just how much this affects you; this isn’t just being upset about a topic you find distasteful, this is you reliving your assault, the way that soldiers with PTSD relive the war. It’s important that he realizes you’re not just getting a case of the vapors and when he tells you to “calm down” or “just relax” he’s minimizing things rather than helping.

People hear “panic attack” and think of things like stage fright or approach anxiety – butterflies in the stomach, dry mouth and clammy palms. They don’t realize just how incredibly intense a panic attack really is – you can’t breathe, your vision narrows, you feel spasms of pain in your chest. Many people who have a panic attack honestly feel as though they’re about to die.

I think what he needs more than anything else is some way of understanding what you’re going through. And I have a suggestion, but it’s going to be kind of weird but stick with me here.

You two should watch Iron Man 3.

I’m totally serious.

Part of the plot of the movie is that Tony Stark has PTSD from nearly dying during the Chitauri invasion of New York; he has several panic attacks over the course of the movie. They’re treated very seriously – you never think that Tony’s overreacting and you can understand just how traumatizing they are for him. His trying to deal with them – first by avoiding any triggers, then by working through them – is a major portion of his character arc. Tony Stark’s story may give your boyfriend a frame of reference to understand how you’re feeling when these attacks come on. Afterwards, sit down with him and have a long, detailed discussion. Explain to him how it feels, how intense the physical symptoms are, the dread and fear that they provoke in you and why they come on. The more he can wrap his brain around what happens to you during a panic attack, the less of an ass he’ll be. If he’s aware of what women go through on a day-to-day basis like you say, he’ll understand why A’s story was so triggering to you.

I’d also recommend teaching him how to help you when these happen. Finding something he can do – even if it’s just getting you to a calm, safe space where you can concentrate on breathing and slowing your heart rate – will alleviate that frustrating sense of helplessness.

Beyond that, set some clear boundaries, and demand that he respect them. Your boyfriend needs to understand that “It’s just his personality” doesn’t magically wipe away the fact that A is a giant bag of dicks. If A acts like that because “that’s who he is”, then that is a really goddamn good reason to avoid him. Why should you be willing to say “Oh, that’s just Coworker A” when his behavior literally sends you fleeing from the room?

Like I said: I think your boyfriend means well. I think he’s a good guy in general; he’s being an a

hole out of ignorance and frustration. It sucks, but it is curable. He needs to understand that his behavior over this is bothering you and that he needs to understand what you’re going through. If he cares about you – and from what you’ve said, I think he does – then he’ll be willing to listen and to learn.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)