DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have kind of a sensitive issue to talk about. The other day I went out with my boyfriend and his coworkers to a dinner. I like most of his coworkers since I talk to them several times a week when I pick my boyfriend up for lunch and drop him off afterwards. However, at the dinner there was one coworker whom I’ve never really met before whom I guess I’ll just call A for this story. Right from the start A made me feel uncomfortable. I’m a vegetarian, which most of his coworkers know, so when his boss asked me what kind of appetizer I liked, I picked a vegetarian one. A and his girlfriend then criticized the lack of meat in the option and loudly proclaimed that it wasn’t food unless it had meat in it. That made me feel uncomfortable but, then again, I’m used to the “Gasp! That’s horrible! What do you eat?” reaction from everyone and their brothers. It’s rude to harass and berate me for it, especially at a dinner with coworkers, but it seems like that’s still a socially acceptable form of abuse in polite company.

Still, this is really the appetizer (I’m sorry) of this story. Most of my boyfriend’s coworkers are women and, actually, he and A were the only two men at this dinner of seven people. Both A and my boyfriend are ex-wrestlers and at one point the conversation turned towards wrestling. At first that was fine — weight categories and this match they had or that one (whatever) — but then A asked if my boyfriend had ever wrestled a girl before.

What followed was a frankly rather uncomfortable conversation between the two of them that eventually devolved into A telling a sexually charged (and misogynistic) story about a wrestling match with a girl that I, honestly, don’t remember the details of because I was so uncomfortable I spent the whole time staring at my salad with my hand on my boyfriend’s knee trying to think up SOME way to tell him that the topic made me uncomfortable and could we PLEASE go back to discussing his other coworker’s upcoming vacation to Trinidad? If his phone hadn’t been dead, I would have just texted him and told him, explicitly, to stop it and change the topic.

As it was, I didn’t want to speak up and invite more criticism (especially not after being berated for my food choices) and I couldn’t focus enough to see if the other women at the table were as uncomfortable as me. Eventually, A’s girlfriend and the boss-lady both told the men to switch the topic, but not before I was about ready to burst into tears right there at the dinner table.

You see, the truth is I survived being raped as a young teenager. I’m now in my mid-twenties and ten years removed from the experience. Thanks to some frankly fantastic counselors, therapists, family, and friends, I live a pretty awesome life and I’ve been able to overcome androphobia, depression (including several suicide attempts), and PTSD to live like any other loudly, proudly nerdy young woman. I work at my dream job (even though I have 2 female coworkers out of the 20 in my department) and sometimes I deal with idiots who fling around rape jokes like they aren’t stabbing me in the heart with every word out of their mouth. But even that’s just a blip on my RADAR where once upon a time it was the end of my day and I wouldn’t be able to function anymore. I am the picture of “It does get better!” but even I’m not immune from moments like this dinner which cause flair ups of panic attacks to happen.

Thankfully, I kept it together all through the rest of dinner and even though I forced most of my cheerfulness at the end, I did enjoy talking to my boyfriend’s coworkers. I didn’t start crying until it was just my boyfriend and I in the car and I was finally able to let all the pent up emotions come out in a place where I felt safe. Now, my boyfriend knows about my past. He knows that he’s the first person I’ve ever managed to hold down a relationship with, and he knows that even though I go day by day like any other woman, I do sometimes become hyper aware of people around me and get uncomfortable. Despite all this, I’ve never let him see me have a panic attack before — I’ve had two others during the course of our relationship and in both of them I just went back to my place and had them in the privacy of my own home. This is the first one and, aside from doing everything wrong by telling me to just calm down, he said a few things that really upset me. 

First, when I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not ever go to a function if A would be present, he told me not to worry so much about it — that’s just A’s personality. Besides, he said, A’s not my boyfriend so he wasn’t the one I had to worry about. I was so upset — again! — by what he said that I could not even reply. I just dropped him off at his home and went back to mine to cry some more.

It’s been a few days and I’m still upset. I don’t know what to say to my boyfriend. He really upset me but no matter how many times I try to explain to him about what PTSD is and how even though you can be functionally cured it never actually goes away, and how I’m more sensitive to the things people say to me because of my past, I sometimes feel like I’m hitting a brick wall. Don’t get me wrong — my boyfriend is a great guy. He didn’t run away when I told him my past. He waited over a year for me to be ready to have sex and then walked me through my very first consensual sexual encounter (and it was wonderful). He brings me tea and sweets when I’m working long nights and surprises me with my favorite foods or a new video game when I’m stressed out. He conspires with me to make some rather epic cosplays for con season. He really does make me happy but I am so stuck. I feel like I’ve done everything I can to make him see things the way I do.

If you have any insight on how I should have dealt with dinner or what I can possibly say to help my boyfriend understand why he’s upset me so much, that would be great. As it is, I’m starting to lose hope that he’ll ever get it. Maybe I’m asking too much to expect that from him, but I don’t ever want to go back to that dark time in my life where I kept my mouth shut and didn’t talk about it. I’d rather be single than go back to that, but I don’t want to lose one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

Thank you,

Bent, not Broken

DEAR BENT, NOT BROKEN: I want to start by saying that it’s clear you’re an incredibly strong and resilient woman, and it’s a testament to your strength that you’ve been able to hold things together. I imagine your boyfriend was caught off guard by your panic attack and, having had no experience with them before, may have had good intentions when he was telling you to calm down. I’m willing to bet that at the time, he didn’t realize that this was precisely the wrong thing to say.

That having been said: your boyfriend’s being kind of an a

hole on this issue. He seems like he’s a pretty good guy under most circumstances, but this is a very serious issue – a legitimate deal breaker – and I can understand why you’re so conflicted over this.

Let’s take things from the top.

I think the only way you could have handled the situation at dinner differently is if you’d gamed things out in advance. From what you’ve said, I don’t think your boyfriend realized that the wrestling story could trigger a panic attack – especially if he didn’t know you had them before, so I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think he was uncaring so much as ignorant. I do think he handled things badly, and could probably have headed off a lot of this early on by telling A and his girlfriend to shut the hell up from the get-go.

Coworker A and his girlfriend on the other hand are colossal d

kbags of the first order and I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to be around them. Making a production out of somebody’s dietary choices is a dick move. I wonder what they would’ve said if you were keeping kosher or halal, or if you had to stick to gluten-free options: would they have gone on at length about the wonders of bacon or tossed bread rolls your way. It’s profoundly rude, incredibly unprofessional and frankly, you would’ve been well within your rights to call them both a

holes to their smug faces. I understand why you didn’t – socialization is a motherf

ker under the best of circumstances and considering what you’ve gone through, it’s completely understandable why you didn’t feel like confronting him over it.

Of course, it wouldn’t have killed your boyfriend to tell the Moron Twins to stuff it either.

Continuing to tell a sexually charged story about wrestling a woman in front of your boss is… yeah, in most jobs I’ve had, even the more laid back ones, this would’ve gotten a pretty firm smackdown for unprofessional behavior.

Since I’m not THE Doctor, I can’t take you back in time to warn your past self; I can only recommend that you work out a signal that means “Things are about to get bad if you don’t change the subject now.” A gesture, poking his knee in a particular rhythm… something subtle but unmistakable for those times when you don’t feel as though you can say anything.

Now, as for the way he handled the aftermath…

I think your boyfriend is a good guy. I think he clearly cares deeply for you and wants to help you as best as he can.

That doesn’t preclude him from being an a

hole over this.

Your boyfriend may be aware of your past and he clearly seems to willing to go the extra mile to accommodate your needs – being willing to give you all the time you needed to get comfortable enough with him to have sex is a huge sign that he’s a really good guy – but he has blind-spot over the fact that you have PTSD.

He, like many guys, probably has never realized just how much things affect you – the casual flinging around of rape jokes or the way a graphic depiction of sexualized violence, for example – because it doesn’t bother him. He blew off your concerns about A because you’re with him and since he (that is, your boyfriend) would never assault you,  you shouldn’t feel threatened.

Guys tend to assume that because they’re not bothered by something, it’s only reasonable to assume that nobody else would either. This is one of those areas where male privilege rears it’s ugly head – these issues aren’t part of their day-to-day world, so they don’t realize that it’s even a thing.

You’ve already stated that he doesn’t quite process that PTSD stays with you, even when you’re “over” the traumatizing event… I imagine that part of this is because he’s never seen you have a panic attack like this before. After all, you’ve gone through therapy, you’ve conquered your fears and clearly you’re not a delicate wilting flower, so why should this be a thing now?  I’m also willing to bet that at least some of his stubbornness is because he feels helpless. Guys are socialized to be “doers”. When someone we care about has a problem, we want to help solve it; it’s part of how we show we care. Feeling helpless to do something, anything for someone we love is incredibly frustrating, and sometimes we express that frustration by trying to make the problem not be a problem any more.

No, it doesn’t make much sense, but guys aren’t as logical as society likes to portray us as being.

Furthermore,  he probably doesn’t really understand just how much this affects you; this isn’t just being upset about a topic you find distasteful, this is you reliving your assault, the way that soldiers with PTSD relive the war. It’s important that he realizes you’re not just getting a case of the vapors and when he tells you to “calm down” or “just relax” he’s minimizing things rather than helping.

People hear “panic attack” and think of things like stage fright or approach anxiety – butterflies in the stomach, dry mouth and clammy palms. They don’t realize just how incredibly intense a panic attack really is – you can’t breathe, your vision narrows, you feel spasms of pain in your chest. Many people who have a panic attack honestly feel as though they’re about to die.

I think what he needs more than anything else is some way of understanding what you’re going through. And I have a suggestion, but it’s going to be kind of weird but stick with me here.

You two should watch Iron Man 3.

I’m totally serious.

Part of the plot of the movie is that Tony Stark has PTSD from nearly dying during the Chitauri invasion of New York; he has several panic attacks over the course of the movie. They’re treated very seriously – you never think that Tony’s overreacting and you can understand just how traumatizing they are for him. His trying to deal with them – first by avoiding any triggers, then by working through them – is a major portion of his character arc. Tony Stark’s story may give your boyfriend a frame of reference to understand how you’re feeling when these attacks come on. Afterwards, sit down with him and have a long, detailed discussion. Explain to him how it feels, how intense the physical symptoms are, the dread and fear that they provoke in you and why they come on. The more he can wrap his brain around what happens to you during a panic attack, the less of an ass he’ll be. If he’s aware of what women go through on a day-to-day basis like you say, he’ll understand why A’s story was so triggering to you.

I’d also recommend teaching him how to help you when these happen. Finding something he can do – even if it’s just getting you to a calm, safe space where you can concentrate on breathing and slowing your heart rate – will alleviate that frustrating sense of helplessness.

Beyond that, set some clear boundaries, and demand that he respect them. Your boyfriend needs to understand that “It’s just his personality” doesn’t magically wipe away the fact that A is a giant bag of dicks. If A acts like that because “that’s who he is”, then that is a really goddamn good reason to avoid him. Why should you be willing to say “Oh, that’s just Coworker A” when his behavior literally sends you fleeing from the room?

Like I said: I think your boyfriend means well. I think he’s a good guy in general; he’s being an a

hole out of ignorance and frustration. It sucks, but it is curable. He needs to understand that his behavior over this is bothering you and that he needs to understand what you’re going through. If he cares about you – and from what you’ve said, I think he does – then he’ll be willing to listen and to learn.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a woman in my late thirties who was burned very badly in a cooking accident four years ago. I have been struggling with PTSD ever since and see a therapist weekly, which has been immensely helpful. One of the unfortunate side effects of my injury is that I no longer wish to engage in much physical contact with my husband. We have had sex only a handful of times in the years since the accident, and not once in the past two years. We have been in couple’s therapy for several months now to work on this issue, but I am frustrated with the pace of things. Not only do I not want to engage in sex, but kissing, cuddling, hugging and even casual physical contact make me incredibly uncomfortable. Prior to my injury we had an enjoyable sex life and were very affectionate with each other. I miss that, but even more I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for denying my husband even the most basic physical contact. It feels cruel but I can’t help it! My burns are mostly on my chest and torso so they are front and center when we are intimate and I believe that may be contributing to the issue. I’m no longer in pain but my skin is quite sensitive and my husband forgets this sometimes, which is another issue. Add to that the trauma of my treatment, when I was trapped in the hospital, constantly being poked and prodded in horrible ways. The anxiety caused by that loss of control over my body creeps in whenever he initiates contact.

I honestly don’t know how to move forward. All our therapist wants to do is discuss my self-esteem in abstract ways but I desperately need concrete suggestions for how to get over this. I want to rediscover the level of intimacy that we had before I was hurt but it feels impossible because I’m no longer the person I was before I the accident. My husband is endlessly patient and understanding, but he is a human being! It’s not fair to either of us that we are stuck here. Please help.

Untouchable

DEAR UNTOUCHABLE: I’m so, so sorry this happened to you Untouchable. Feeling like you’re cut off from intimacy with your partner can be maddening. When even little things like simple physical touch is off limits to you – for whatever the reason – then it can feel like you’re absolutely isolated and alone, even when you’re surrounded by people. It’s made all the worse when you’re unable to have that simple, casual intimacy with the people you love. It’s amazing how much things like feeling your partner’s hand on your back or being able to put your head on their shoulder can mean so much… and how much you don’t realize this until you’re cut off from it.

Unfortunately, some of these issues are far beyond my pay grade; like I’m often saying, Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor, he’s a loudmouth with an advice column. Some of the things I would suggest are things you should definitely run by an actual medical professional first. It may be that doing things to alleviate the physical symptoms of anxiety could make life easier for you; if it’s legal in your area, smoking weed or a couple of edibles might help calm your anxiety enough for at least casual affectionate contact with your husband. I understand that occasionally beta-blockers have been used to help people with PTSD as well and that MDMA also shows promise; it may be worth your time to see if you can be part of a study for the effects that those may have on recovery from trauma.

The other thing that immediately comes to mind is going to sound a bit weird, but stick with me: you might want to incorporate kink into your life. If, for example, you find yourself triggered by loss of control, then it may help to set things up so that you are absolutely in charge. If your husband is, say, tied to the bed and unable to move his arms or legs. then you’re in the position of not just initiating contact but controlling how much, how long and how far it all goes. And while being tied up may seem like a lot just to, say, be able to rest your head on his chest… that might be a way to bring a level of contact and intimacy back into your life together as well as increase your feelings of agency and control. Similarly, having him be tied up and blindfolded may give you the confidence to be physical in a way that you haven’t been able to enjoy since then. After all, this would mean that you have all of the control, not just of your body but his.

If that seems like something you think would be worth trying, see about finding a munch in your area or look into the feminist and female-owned sex shops in your area. They often have workshops and lectures about intros to kink, rope-play and other venues of power exchange that may be what the not-a-real-doctor ordered.

But the other thing I want to bring up is your therapist. One thing that people often forget – or never realize – is that if you can advocate for what you need from your therapist. While dealing with your self-esteem is important – learning to see yourself as more than your scars can be huge – if what you need are ways to be more intimate with your husband, then ask for it. And if it feels like your therapist doesn’t understand you or isn’t meeting your needs… you can find another therapist. It may well be worth your time to visit the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists’ website; they have a referral directory that can help you find a sex-positive counselor or therapist in your area who may be a better fit for you and your needs at this time.

You’re lucky to have your husband, Untouchable, and he’s lucky to have you. I hope you two can find some ways to overcome this impasse and find ways to regain that affection and intimacy you’ve been missing.

And please, don’t hesitate to write in and let us know how you’re doing.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 17 and ending off my junior year. I’m having a lot of trouble with the girls at my school. Here’s my situation, I’m still a virgin but have had girlfriends here and there, nothing too outstanding. I’m pretty average looking, but I’m on the shorter side, 5”7. I’m fit, outgoing, and pretty funny. But my main problem is that no girls at school even give me a damn chance. I can get any girl I wanted online, but I’m losing interest in online relationships or long distance.

I’ve been told that I’m cute, handsome, hot, by multiple people but no matter what I do I can’t get a damn date.

Is it my height? That’s the only thing I can think of to be honest.

Short Round

DEAR SHORT ROUND: I’m 5’8″, SR, and I can tell you that my height has never been a handicap. While there will always be women who’ll want dudes of certain heights, all that means is that they’re simply not compatible with you. It’s a shame, but it just frees you up to find the folks who are. There’re plenty of women who’ll dig you.

Because, straight talk, SR: the issue isn’t your height. The issue is that dating in high-school is a goddamn dumpster fire. High-school is less like education and far more like a maximum security prison, filled with people whose hormones are surging so hard that nobody knows if they’re coming or going. Everyone’s confused, everyone’s freaking out and everyone is trying to figure out who they are and what any of this means. That’s why people start playing weird status games and sectioning themselves off into cliques; everyone’s trying to find identities and personas that fit. This is why my standard advice for folks in high-school is to not sweat dating.

You’re a junior. You’ve got a year left of high-school, and if I’m perfectly blunt, the odds that any relationship you start now won’t survive past graduation. 99% of the folks in college aren’t dating the people they were dating in college, especially past the midpoint of their freshman year. Your best move here is to focus on developing the social skills and emotional intelligence that’ll let you be ready to hit the ground running once you graduate high-school… when you’ll be setting foot out into the real world, when things will start to actually count.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Here’s the skinny: It feels like time is running out and I’m scared to death of turning thirty.

I went to community college and ended up with a couple different degrees that I ultimately didn’t pursue. I was frustrated that I hadn’t found my calling. Instead I looked around for a year, found a part-time job working in the local community, and was hired into a full-time position a year later. I’ve held the same steady job for six years.

I settled. I went to work, came home, and ended up on autopilot. I stayed at home to help pay bills so my mom could afford the mortgage. I hadn’t dated, hadn’t built a network of friends, and went through the same routine. I became unhappy, tired, depressed, and struggled with anxiety. I cut when I couldn’t manage my feelings of loneliness. My life was going nowhere and I attempted suicide.

I went to counseling on and off and proceeded to see a general doctor. The pill I was given to treat my mood disorders literally changed me overnight. My anxiety went away instantly and signs of my depression lifted. I felt confident and unstoppable.

Insert Nine Inch Nails refrain: “Nothing can stop me now.”

I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. I spent several times the amount of money I had in savings across multiple credit cards and loans in a very short and destructive amount of time. I was drinking during my lunch breaks and more at home. I was inappropriately pursuing a relationship with someone who already had a kid and a steady boyfriend. I was out of control. All in pursuit of happiness.

The medicine gradually stopped working despite increases in dosages. My depressive episodes slowly came back and I had gained an incredible amount of weight. After a year I took myself off cold turkey and went through an absolutely nightmarish month of withdrawal. Afterwards I began to reckon with what happened.

I was misdiagnosed. This year I’ve learned I’m bi-polar and the pill I was given wasn’t what I needed. My depression was treated but I was left absolutely manic. I felt good – too good – all of the time and didn’t understand that wasn’t normal.

My debts have since gone to collections, my vehicle was repossessed, and bankruptcy feels like the only way out. Back to less than square one. I still don’t know if should blame myself, the pill, or a little bit of both for my lack of self-control.

Doc, I feel so far behind and so incredibly alone.

I’m turning thirty this fall. I spent a lot of my twenties trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and blew up my life in the process. I still haven’t found my passions, entered the dating world, made friends, or moved into a place of my own. In the meantime I’m watching coworkers have fulfilling relationships with each other, have children, and live fulfilling lives. And in my manic state, I’ve damaged a lot of my own relationships with them.

I feel like I have to catch up to my peers. I’ve set up a lot of expectations for myself that I can’t possibly meet. I should be in an apartment by x date. I should have x paid off by x date. I should be starting to have a family. I should be financially stable. I feel like I have to fix everything all at once. I feel like if I had a couple more years, I wouldn’t feel so much pressure. I’m should’ing myself into anxiety filled rumination.

I’m working on agency and learning to control what I can. I found a new therapist and continue to work with them weekly (without medication which is hard but so it goes). I was connected with a fitness coach who’s helped me lose thirty pounds and made exercise a regular part of my life. I’ve been sober for six months. I’m slowly trying to mend relationships with my peers. I’m going to be volunteering soon to help me get out of my head, meet new people, and potentially live for something beyond myself. I even applied for school on a whim and am currently in the process of seeing if I get accepted. If I don’t I’ll get a second job to settle my debts.

It’s going to be a few years before I can get my life together. Settling my debts and repairing my credit is going to take a long time. But the prospect of having it all together well after turning thirty is eating me up. I’m already making a lot of sacrifices, such as not spending much of anything on myself or having free time to explore hobbies.

I’m not sure how to approach making friends, dating, and living in regards to this. A lot of meetups in my age group revolve around social drinking and I’m not touching alcohol right now. I can’t keep waiting to have it all together before I start looking for someone, because then I’ll always be waiting. Dating right this very second isn’t the right time, but when? How can I gain new and interesting experiences when I’m going to essentially be broke until my debts are paid off? How can I do any of this when I’m working on so much else?

How can I build the life I want without beating myself up or burning out in the process?

Sincerely,

Fixing Everything

DEAR FIXING EVERYTHING: I think you’re looking at things the wrong way, FE. You’re not missing time, nor are you behind everyone else. You’ve been doing exactly what you’ve needed to do for you. You’ve been trying to fix these foundational issues in your life that have been sitting at your core and waiting to detonate like a bomb.

There’s no question that this has been a rocky process, but that’s not your fault. You were misdiagnosed and given treatment for a disorder you don’t have. That, unfortunately, is something that often happens to people. Many mental health disorders can mimic one another and many have what are known as comorbid conditions – conditions that often occur alongside those primary conditions; this can make diagnosis and treatment incredibly difficult. You were bipolar, not depressed, and the treatment that you were given meant that you were more prone to manic episodes. Again: that happens. And if I can be perfectly blunt: you’re incredibly lucky. There were people in my life who had bipolar disorder who would only take their antidepressants because they loved the feel of being on a manic high… and they suffered from the consequences of the way those highs impaired their judgement.

But you made it. You figured things out, you pulled yourself out of the spiral and now you’re starting to rebuild your life. That’s not something to be ashamed of, that’s something to be proud of. You shouldn’t be ashamed of this, you should be proud of the fact that you’ve yanked yourself back from the brink and all the progress you’ve made. I mean, look at what you tell me towards the end of your letter. You’re working with a therapist, you’re getting fit, you’re clean and sober, you’re volunteering and being financially responsible. That’s all so goddamn amazing that I’m in awe, FE. I’m unbelievably proud of what you’ve accomplished, and you should be too.

And holy hopping sheep s

t my dude, you’re doing this before you’re 30? That’s awesome. You’re not falling behind the game, you’re setting yourself up for an amazing life.

I’m gonna level with you, man: I didn’t start coming into my own until I was in my late 20s. I had to go through some dark crap to get to where I am today and while yeah, I wish I did my 20s differently, all of that lead me to this place in my life, right here, right now. And I could either complain about what I didn’t do in my past… or I can work on making my present and my future amazing. Past is merely prologue, FE; it’s the start of your story, not the totality of it.

What you need more than anything right now is self-compassion. You had a rough start and that’s fine. You are more than your worst day and you’re not defined by your worst mistakes. You’ve got the capacity to be so much more as you are proving right now. So do yourself a favor and eliminate “should” from your vocabulary. All it’s doing is blinding you to the amazing progress you’ve made and the brilliant future you’re setting yourself up for. Yeah, it can feel like you were supposed to hit these various milestones in your 20s… but you know what? You’re going to be in a better position to hit them now than you would’ve been then. Take it from me: your 30s are like your 20s but with more experience and better credit. That is gonna open up some wide vistas for you, FE, if you just take the chance.

Listen to Jay-Z and realize that 30 is the new 20. This isn’t the end of your life. It’s not even the beginning of the end. This is the end… of the beginning.

Be sure to write back and let us know how you’re doing, FE.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)