DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a woman in my late thirties who was burned very badly in a cooking accident four years ago. I have been struggling with PTSD ever since and see a therapist weekly, which has been immensely helpful. One of the unfortunate side effects of my injury is that I no longer wish to engage in much physical contact with my husband. We have had sex only a handful of times in the years since the accident, and not once in the past two years. We have been in couple’s therapy for several months now to work on this issue, but I am frustrated with the pace of things. Not only do I not want to engage in sex, but kissing, cuddling, hugging and even casual physical contact make me incredibly uncomfortable. Prior to my injury we had an enjoyable sex life and were very affectionate with each other. I miss that, but even more I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for denying my husband even the most basic physical contact. It feels cruel but I can’t help it! My burns are mostly on my chest and torso so they are front and center when we are intimate and I believe that may be contributing to the issue. I’m no longer in pain but my skin is quite sensitive and my husband forgets this sometimes, which is another issue. Add to that the trauma of my treatment, when I was trapped in the hospital, constantly being poked and prodded in horrible ways. The anxiety caused by that loss of control over my body creeps in whenever he initiates contact.

I honestly don’t know how to move forward. All our therapist wants to do is discuss my self-esteem in abstract ways but I desperately need concrete suggestions for how to get over this. I want to rediscover the level of intimacy that we had before I was hurt but it feels impossible because I’m no longer the person I was before I the accident. My husband is endlessly patient and understanding, but he is a human being! It’s not fair to either of us that we are stuck here. Please help.

Untouchable

DEAR UNTOUCHABLE: I’m so, so sorry this happened to you Untouchable. Feeling like you’re cut off from intimacy with your partner can be maddening. When even little things like simple physical touch is off limits to you – for whatever the reason – then it can feel like you’re absolutely isolated and alone, even when you’re surrounded by people. It’s made all the worse when you’re unable to have that simple, casual intimacy with the people you love. It’s amazing how much things like feeling your partner’s hand on your back or being able to put your head on their shoulder can mean so much… and how much you don’t realize this until you’re cut off from it.

Unfortunately, some of these issues are far beyond my pay grade; like I’m often saying, Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor, he’s a loudmouth with an advice column. Some of the things I would suggest are things you should definitely run by an actual medical professional first. It may be that doing things to alleviate the physical symptoms of anxiety could make life easier for you; if it’s legal in your area, smoking weed or a couple of edibles might help calm your anxiety enough for at least casual affectionate contact with your husband. I understand that occasionally beta-blockers have been used to help people with PTSD as well and that MDMA also shows promise; it may be worth your time to see if you can be part of a study for the effects that those may have on recovery from trauma.

The other thing that immediately comes to mind is going to sound a bit weird, but stick with me: you might want to incorporate kink into your life. If, for example, you find yourself triggered by loss of control, then it may help to set things up so that you are absolutely in charge. If your husband is, say, tied to the bed and unable to move his arms or legs. then you’re in the position of not just initiating contact but controlling how much, how long and how far it all goes. And while being tied up may seem like a lot just to, say, be able to rest your head on his chest… that might be a way to bring a level of contact and intimacy back into your life together as well as increase your feelings of agency and control. Similarly, having him be tied up and blindfolded may give you the confidence to be physical in a way that you haven’t been able to enjoy since then. After all, this would mean that you have all of the control, not just of your body but his.

If that seems like something you think would be worth trying, see about finding a munch in your area or look into the feminist and female-owned sex shops in your area. They often have workshops and lectures about intros to kink, rope-play and other venues of power exchange that may be what the not-a-real-doctor ordered.

But the other thing I want to bring up is your therapist. One thing that people often forget – or never realize – is that if you can advocate for what you need from your therapist. While dealing with your self-esteem is important – learning to see yourself as more than your scars can be huge – if what you need are ways to be more intimate with your husband, then ask for it. And if it feels like your therapist doesn’t understand you or isn’t meeting your needs… you can find another therapist. It may well be worth your time to visit the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists’ website; they have a referral directory that can help you find a sex-positive counselor or therapist in your area who may be a better fit for you and your needs at this time.

You’re lucky to have your husband, Untouchable, and he’s lucky to have you. I hope you two can find some ways to overcome this impasse and find ways to regain that affection and intimacy you’ve been missing.

And please, don’t hesitate to write in and let us know how you’re doing.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 17 and ending off my junior year. I’m having a lot of trouble with the girls at my school. Here’s my situation, I’m still a virgin but have had girlfriends here and there, nothing too outstanding. I’m pretty average looking, but I’m on the shorter side, 5”7. I’m fit, outgoing, and pretty funny. But my main problem is that no girls at school even give me a damn chance. I can get any girl I wanted online, but I’m losing interest in online relationships or long distance.

I’ve been told that I’m cute, handsome, hot, by multiple people but no matter what I do I can’t get a damn date.

Is it my height? That’s the only thing I can think of to be honest.

Short Round

DEAR SHORT ROUND: I’m 5’8″, SR, and I can tell you that my height has never been a handicap. While there will always be women who’ll want dudes of certain heights, all that means is that they’re simply not compatible with you. It’s a shame, but it just frees you up to find the folks who are. There’re plenty of women who’ll dig you.

Because, straight talk, SR: the issue isn’t your height. The issue is that dating in high-school is a goddamn dumpster fire. High-school is less like education and far more like a maximum security prison, filled with people whose hormones are surging so hard that nobody knows if they’re coming or going. Everyone’s confused, everyone’s freaking out and everyone is trying to figure out who they are and what any of this means. That’s why people start playing weird status games and sectioning themselves off into cliques; everyone’s trying to find identities and personas that fit. This is why my standard advice for folks in high-school is to not sweat dating.

You’re a junior. You’ve got a year left of high-school, and if I’m perfectly blunt, the odds that any relationship you start now won’t survive past graduation. 99% of the folks in college aren’t dating the people they were dating in college, especially past the midpoint of their freshman year. Your best move here is to focus on developing the social skills and emotional intelligence that’ll let you be ready to hit the ground running once you graduate high-school… when you’ll be setting foot out into the real world, when things will start to actually count.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Here’s the skinny: It feels like time is running out and I’m scared to death of turning thirty.

I went to community college and ended up with a couple different degrees that I ultimately didn’t pursue. I was frustrated that I hadn’t found my calling. Instead I looked around for a year, found a part-time job working in the local community, and was hired into a full-time position a year later. I’ve held the same steady job for six years.

I settled. I went to work, came home, and ended up on autopilot. I stayed at home to help pay bills so my mom could afford the mortgage. I hadn’t dated, hadn’t built a network of friends, and went through the same routine. I became unhappy, tired, depressed, and struggled with anxiety. I cut when I couldn’t manage my feelings of loneliness. My life was going nowhere and I attempted suicide.

I went to counseling on and off and proceeded to see a general doctor. The pill I was given to treat my mood disorders literally changed me overnight. My anxiety went away instantly and signs of my depression lifted. I felt confident and unstoppable.

Insert Nine Inch Nails refrain: “Nothing can stop me now.”

I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. I spent several times the amount of money I had in savings across multiple credit cards and loans in a very short and destructive amount of time. I was drinking during my lunch breaks and more at home. I was inappropriately pursuing a relationship with someone who already had a kid and a steady boyfriend. I was out of control. All in pursuit of happiness.

The medicine gradually stopped working despite increases in dosages. My depressive episodes slowly came back and I had gained an incredible amount of weight. After a year I took myself off cold turkey and went through an absolutely nightmarish month of withdrawal. Afterwards I began to reckon with what happened.

I was misdiagnosed. This year I’ve learned I’m bi-polar and the pill I was given wasn’t what I needed. My depression was treated but I was left absolutely manic. I felt good – too good – all of the time and didn’t understand that wasn’t normal.

My debts have since gone to collections, my vehicle was repossessed, and bankruptcy feels like the only way out. Back to less than square one. I still don’t know if should blame myself, the pill, or a little bit of both for my lack of self-control.

Doc, I feel so far behind and so incredibly alone.

I’m turning thirty this fall. I spent a lot of my twenties trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and blew up my life in the process. I still haven’t found my passions, entered the dating world, made friends, or moved into a place of my own. In the meantime I’m watching coworkers have fulfilling relationships with each other, have children, and live fulfilling lives. And in my manic state, I’ve damaged a lot of my own relationships with them.

I feel like I have to catch up to my peers. I’ve set up a lot of expectations for myself that I can’t possibly meet. I should be in an apartment by x date. I should have x paid off by x date. I should be starting to have a family. I should be financially stable. I feel like I have to fix everything all at once. I feel like if I had a couple more years, I wouldn’t feel so much pressure. I’m should’ing myself into anxiety filled rumination.

I’m working on agency and learning to control what I can. I found a new therapist and continue to work with them weekly (without medication which is hard but so it goes). I was connected with a fitness coach who’s helped me lose thirty pounds and made exercise a regular part of my life. I’ve been sober for six months. I’m slowly trying to mend relationships with my peers. I’m going to be volunteering soon to help me get out of my head, meet new people, and potentially live for something beyond myself. I even applied for school on a whim and am currently in the process of seeing if I get accepted. If I don’t I’ll get a second job to settle my debts.

It’s going to be a few years before I can get my life together. Settling my debts and repairing my credit is going to take a long time. But the prospect of having it all together well after turning thirty is eating me up. I’m already making a lot of sacrifices, such as not spending much of anything on myself or having free time to explore hobbies.

I’m not sure how to approach making friends, dating, and living in regards to this. A lot of meetups in my age group revolve around social drinking and I’m not touching alcohol right now. I can’t keep waiting to have it all together before I start looking for someone, because then I’ll always be waiting. Dating right this very second isn’t the right time, but when? How can I gain new and interesting experiences when I’m going to essentially be broke until my debts are paid off? How can I do any of this when I’m working on so much else?

How can I build the life I want without beating myself up or burning out in the process?

Sincerely,

Fixing Everything

DEAR FIXING EVERYTHING: I think you’re looking at things the wrong way, FE. You’re not missing time, nor are you behind everyone else. You’ve been doing exactly what you’ve needed to do for you. You’ve been trying to fix these foundational issues in your life that have been sitting at your core and waiting to detonate like a bomb.

There’s no question that this has been a rocky process, but that’s not your fault. You were misdiagnosed and given treatment for a disorder you don’t have. That, unfortunately, is something that often happens to people. Many mental health disorders can mimic one another and many have what are known as comorbid conditions – conditions that often occur alongside those primary conditions; this can make diagnosis and treatment incredibly difficult. You were bipolar, not depressed, and the treatment that you were given meant that you were more prone to manic episodes. Again: that happens. And if I can be perfectly blunt: you’re incredibly lucky. There were people in my life who had bipolar disorder who would only take their antidepressants because they loved the feel of being on a manic high… and they suffered from the consequences of the way those highs impaired their judgement.

But you made it. You figured things out, you pulled yourself out of the spiral and now you’re starting to rebuild your life. That’s not something to be ashamed of, that’s something to be proud of. You shouldn’t be ashamed of this, you should be proud of the fact that you’ve yanked yourself back from the brink and all the progress you’ve made. I mean, look at what you tell me towards the end of your letter. You’re working with a therapist, you’re getting fit, you’re clean and sober, you’re volunteering and being financially responsible. That’s all so goddamn amazing that I’m in awe, FE. I’m unbelievably proud of what you’ve accomplished, and you should be too.

And holy hopping sheep s

t my dude, you’re doing this before you’re 30? That’s awesome. You’re not falling behind the game, you’re setting yourself up for an amazing life.

I’m gonna level with you, man: I didn’t start coming into my own until I was in my late 20s. I had to go through some dark crap to get to where I am today and while yeah, I wish I did my 20s differently, all of that lead me to this place in my life, right here, right now. And I could either complain about what I didn’t do in my past… or I can work on making my present and my future amazing. Past is merely prologue, FE; it’s the start of your story, not the totality of it.

What you need more than anything right now is self-compassion. You had a rough start and that’s fine. You are more than your worst day and you’re not defined by your worst mistakes. You’ve got the capacity to be so much more as you are proving right now. So do yourself a favor and eliminate “should” from your vocabulary. All it’s doing is blinding you to the amazing progress you’ve made and the brilliant future you’re setting yourself up for. Yeah, it can feel like you were supposed to hit these various milestones in your 20s… but you know what? You’re going to be in a better position to hit them now than you would’ve been then. Take it from me: your 30s are like your 20s but with more experience and better credit. That is gonna open up some wide vistas for you, FE, if you just take the chance.

Listen to Jay-Z and realize that 30 is the new 20. This isn’t the end of your life. It’s not even the beginning of the end. This is the end… of the beginning.

Be sure to write back and let us know how you’re doing, FE.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I had been with my current girlfriend for almost 7 years and I feel happy and good with her. In February, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We will get married at the end of this year. I consider everything is ok between us, but recently, a work partner (48, F) , suggested to me in a work chat that I should have a last romantic adventure. She told me I should enjoy my last chance to stay with another girl. I disregarded this and just dropped that idea but everything changed a couple days ago.

Some background … 6 years ago I took English lessons due to my job. I met there many people and I got along well with one girl in special. She was 14 and I was 24 years old. Nothing weird happened at the time, but now after 6 years, I discover I like her and she seems to like me. Everything started with a Facebook post that something like this “if you read this you should kiss me one time if you continue reading at this point, two times, and three times at this part of this text” …

Well, I consider that so funny and then I replied, “sorry but I read the full text” and that was the beginning. We have a kind of “date” last week and we spend a wonderful time. We went to watch a movie and after that, we went to a bar. There was where everything started. We had some drinks, we had some chat and then we confessed our attraction. After that, she suddenly kissed me. I have to admit, I enjoyed it and I like it too. We spend all night dancing and drinking. We had a lot of kisses too. After that weekend, we continued chatting about more intimal dates and both accepted to do “that”.

We will have our “romantic date” this weekend. She is very excited about that and me … I feel just “ok” with that. However I feel a little curious about stay with her one night. I am pretty sure I want to stay forever with my fiancée, I haven’t any doubt about it.

Of course, my fiancée doesn’t suspect anything but I feel a little bad about doing this, but I think too this would be my last chance to have a “romantic adventure” before getting married.

I don’t know if this is something I should try and I would like to know if this is really bad … please help me 

Feet Getting Cold

DEAR FEET GETTING COLD: Right, so where to start.

Oh wait, I know: don’t cheat on your fianceé. 

My dude, I freely admit that my views on monogamy and infidelity are nuanced as hell. Monogamy is incredibly difficult to execute perfectly and there are going to be many, many temptations in your way over the course of your life. But holy sweet f

king hell chief, there’s a giant goddamn world of difference between “I was on a trip, I had too many drinks and I failed a Wisdom saving throw” and “I’ve consciously decided to cheat on my fianceé”. One is understandable. Something you should try to avoid in a monogamous committed relationship, but not the worst thing you could do. The other is deliberately choosing to do something that you know will hurt your partner, and that’s a horrible thing to do to somebody that you love.

(And I don’t even know where to start with the fact that you first met the woman you’re planning on cheating on your fianceé with when she was 14. Yeah, I know she’s 20 now but that’s still gonna be a “YIKES” from me.)

But here’s your problem, chief: you got awful advice from your coworker. Your coworker is spreading the idea that marriage is somehow the end of adventure and the downward slide of boredom. It’s the end of excitement, the end of thrills and the end of the joy of the new. And yeah, it can be… if you go into this with the attitude that fun, adventure and excitement is something that you can only have outside of marriage. Which, incidentally, is a great way to make sure you won’t be in that marriage for terribly long. The key to a happy, lasting marriage is recognizing that it isn’t the end of adventure, it’s just the beginning, if – IF – you work at it. A marriage is only going to be as boring stifling as you make it; a decades long marriage can be just as passionate, thrilling and fulfilling as an illicit affair if you are willing to put in the effort.

Of course, that’s not gonna happen if you’re starting things off by cheating on her.

If you love your fianceé and want things to work, then you need to cut things off with your friend now. No engaging with her flirty Facebook posts, no messaging, no dates and certainly no “romantic” dates. This is a bad scene, chief and it’s only going to get worse. And like the dude who was afraid he’s settling too far, if you go down this road, then you’re going to end up realizing that you gave up a good thing… and you won’t be able to get it back.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (20’s cis male, hetero, autistic) am told by ladies that I trust that I am good looking. I just don’t believe them.

Not that I have horrible self image or wallow in pity at what life threw at me, I am just unable to look at what I have and see someone attractive and/or sexy.

How can I improve this deficiency?

No Mind’s Eye

DEAR NO MIND’S EYE: You have an issue that a lot of folks have, NME. A lot of us have a difficult time believing it when other people tell us we’re attractive. We look in the mirror and just wonder… what the pluperfect hell are theyseeing?

Part of this is because we tend to be hyperaware of what we perceive as our flaws. Our eyes lock on all the places where we feel like our bodies are too flabby or our skin is too pocked and cratered. We see the parts of us that are too big or too small, that stick out too far or that seem like they’re out of proportion to the rest of us and we wonder how the hell anybody could think somebody with these misshapen features was handsome.

But the fact that we are conscious of those things doesn’t mean that other people notice – or even careabout them. Nor for that matter, does it mean that they think that they’re flaws. The things that make you unique are often the very things that other people think make you special and desirable.

Just as importantly, many times, we don’t let ourselves accept that we could be attractive. We may feel like we don’t meet some impossible standard and so we think that we couldn’t possibly be considered attractive. Or we may think that because we don’t match some trend, don’t have the currently popular body type or even the right race or ethnicity, nobody could think that we’re hot.

I can tell you from years of working with folks that even people who are objectively handsome often can’t see it in themselves. And that’s because attractiveness and being good looking isn’t just about facial features or physical perfection. It’s about presentation, it’s about style and it’s about attitude.

Start with your grooming. Work with a barber or stylist to get a cool haircut, one that frames and flatters your face and your head. If you have facial hair, make sure that it’s shaped and trimmed and neat. Pay attention to how you smell, too; Brad Pitt may be a good looking dude, but that attractiveness disappears when people realize he never showers, so he always smells like BO and weed.

Next, find the clothes that make you feel amazing. Clothes really do make the man and when you’re wearing something that makes you feel like a sexy bad-ass, then that in turn changes how you walk, how you sit and how you carry yourself. Make sure they’re clothes that fit properly too; a well-fitting t-shirt and jeans will look infinitely better on you than a baggy, unkempt suit.

But more than anything else, you need to learn to see yourself for the sexy bad-ass that you are. Start by looking in the mirror and finding your good parts. Focus on those; maybe you have gorgeous eyes. Maybe you have an awesome smile or great shoulders. Let yourself feel proud of them, even compliment yourself on them. Telling yourself out loud that you look hot, especially as you look at yourself in the mirror, can be surprisingly powerful.

And as weird as this may sound: start getting in the habit of taking selfies. Learning to find your angles and being able to see photographic evidence that you look great goes a long, long way to accepting that yeah, you’re pretty damn foxy.

It’ll all be a little uncomfortable at first. Guys are taught that these are all “female” or “feminine” behaviors. But when you set those fears aside, you’ll start to realize just how much being willing to care about yourself can make you feel amazing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)