DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a friend that I’ve known since college and we’ve kept in contact well after I graduated. However, due to our own responsibilities, we had times when we wouldn’t contact each other for months at a time. But when we did reconnect, it was almost like that hiatus never happened. I consider this person a close friend who loves the same nerdy things even more than I do.

Recently (I’d say over the course of a year and a half), we’ve been talking more frequently. In October of last year, he invited me to spend the day with him at NYCC (New York Comic Con). Had a dope- ass time with him. I actually hung out with him at his place for about 4 hours last week and I had a great time. He said he enjoyed having me over as well. We didn’t do anything except game and chat (we are both fairly introverted). During one of our conversations, he told me that as long as I let him know when, I can show up at his place pretty much whenever. He even mentioned that I could also spend the night if I wanted, something that no male has ever offered to me. I’m someone with no dating experience, so I’m not sure what would be the proper way of thinking about his offer.

He has since invited me out to other events and for me to come over to his place again. And honestly, he’s an awesome dude to be around, and I even developed a bit (that’s putting it mildly) of a crush on him. I’m keeping all of my expectations low, in case it turns out that he just likes hanging out with me.

That being said, deep down, I believe that he is developing feelings for me. I’ve hung out with him multiple times at his house. We’ve moved on from just gaming to watching movies together. During the movie, I even sometimes catch him staring at my face, and when we have conversations, he positions himself facing me and maintains eye contact. It actually sometimes get awkward. My recent visit had him complimenting my hair, which I totally wasn’t expecting. He opens up to me a lot as well. And when it’s time for me to leave, he seems reluctant to let me go.

So, yeah, I’m here asking for advice; how would you interpret this behavior? Please help a poor, inexperienced soul out.

Thanks in advance.

Reading The Tea Leaves

DEAR READNG THE TEA LEAVES: It sounds like you have an awesome friend, RTL, and someone who clearly values you and your company. The fact that you all can pick up like no time has passed is a gift. One of the things that we never like to talk about is that most of our friendships are transitory. People drift in and out of our lives over time and friendships rise and fall. This isn’t because we aren’t good enough friends or because we didn’t put enough effort into them; it’s just because we all grow and change as time goes by. Many of our friendships are right for who we are at the time. As we grow, our needs change, our lives change and our friendships come to their natural conclusion.

Friendships that last past major life changes like graduation and long distances are rare and precious and should be valued as the treasures they are.

Now with all that being said: nothing in you’ve described in your letter strikes me as anything above and beyond a close friendship with somebody who enjoys seeing you whenever your schedules allow. Giving someone an open invitation to visit – with sufficient notice – is fairly common amongst my social circle and many folks I know as well. Same with offering them a place to crash; if we’ve got the room, why notlet somebody stay over, especially if it’s late or more convenient than trying to catch a cab or Uber back to their place?

Some of what you describe could be borderline, while others sound more like a reach to me. Facing you and making eye-contact is… not exactly something I would describe as a sign of interest, to be honest. It’s far more standard behavior for conversation. Watching you while you’re watching a movie together, on the other hand, could go either way. It could be that he’s entranced by you and is taking a chance to watch you at a time when he thinks you wouldn’t notice. Or it could be that he wants to see your reaction to what you’re watching. This is especially likely if you’re watching something he loves or has significance for him. I mean, just ask anybody who’s significant other showed them their favorite movie; they tend to spend more time watching their partner watching the movie.

But on the balance, I’m inclined to say this sounds like a close friendship to me.

You’re clearly very close and emotionally intimate, but evidently platonic. And that’s fine. A close and loving friendship isn’t any less valuable or less important just because there isn’t a romantic component to it. Now this doesn’t mean that there isn’t potential for anything to grow out of this. I mean, my wife and I were friends for twenty years before we ever got together as a couple.

If you want to know if there’s anything there, there’s only one thing to do: use your words. Tell your friend that you’re really enjoying the time the two of you are spending together and how the two of you have been getting closer but you’re starting to feel strongly for him and you’d like to take him out on a proper date.

Don’t just say “hey I have a crush on you”; just dropping your feelings into his lap and expecting him to do the work from there is more likely to get a knee-jerk move to preserve the status quo. Offering a plan of action – an actual date, in this case – gives him something to respond to instead of asking him to invest more than he may be ready to just yet.

But just remember: if he doesn’t want to date you, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you. It just means that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you and that’s ok because he’s clearly an awesome friend.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thirty-five-year-old male virgin here. Never really been in a serious relationship, mostly because I’m Not Good With People (especially women.) Frequently struggle with depression and social anxiety. Am kind of a mess in general, and that’s at the best of times.

Level with me here. Should I even be trying to find someone at this point? Or am I so utterly behind the curve here that it’s laughable?

Stuck In First

DEAR STUCK IN FIRST: There’s no such thing as too late, SIF. You may be on the far edge of the bell curve in terms of social experience, but that doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. It just means you’re getting a later start than other folks. And you know what? That’s ok, because you’re not in competition with anyone. You don’t win a prize for having had your first Serious Relationship with capital letters in your teens, any more than you get demerits for being a virgin later in life. Virginity in and of itself is functionally neutral. All being a virgin means is that you haven’t had an experience that others have. It doesn’t mean that you’re damaged goods, that you’re lesser or somehow deficient because sex isn’t doled out only to the Worthy. As I’m always saying, women aren’t Mjolnir; women aren’t going around with “whomsoever should part these legs, should they be worthy, shall have the power of Score” printed on their panties.

(And if they are, then somebody owes me royalties…)

The fact that someone does or doesn’t sleep with you doesn’t inherently say anything about you. People have sex all the time for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the person they’re having sex with. Plenty of folks – men and women both – have slept with folks for their own needs, whether it was for validation, easing their loneliness or trying to send a message to someone else. The only qualification their partner needed was “least objectionable choice in the room at the time”.

Similarly, people date you, the individual, not your romantic resume. Asking somebody on a date doesn’t include submitting your relationship history and at least three references. In fact, most people aren’t going to even ask about your past relationships until you know each other pretty well… and by that point, it tends to be fait accompli, regardless. If someone does ask about your relationship history, all you need to say is “I wasn’t ready; I am now” or “Never met the right person.”

Now what I will say is that if you want to start dating, then the smartest thing you could do is invest in yourself and start talking with a counselor or therapist. Getting treatment for your depression and social anxiety will help you immensely with getting your social life in order. Plus, they can help you work on your social skills and work on strategies for improving your social experience.

But no, you’re not hopeless or behind the curve. All you need to do is decide that it’s time to start and invest in yourself.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am confused by the term “they”.  Perhaps the terms I learned in elementary school in the early 1970s are obsolete, but still. ”He” and “she” are singular terms relating to one person. A group of two or more of either gender or a mix of both would be “they”.

A new genderless identity has surfaced which is neither he nor she. That individual is called “they”. A group of people or a single person now can be identified as “they”? How does one make sense of this. Are the rules of grammar out the window? If so, how does one embrace a new set of rules without getting hopelessly lost?

Sincerely,

Drowning in a Sea of Confusion

DEAR DROWNING IN A SEA OF CONFUSION:The rules really haven’t changed, DiSoC. Using “they” as a gender-neutral personal pronoun is recent yes. But the singular “they” has been in use at least since the 14th century, where it appeared in the poem William and the Werewolf. But even modern, 20th and 21st century speakers have used the singular “they” regularly. We use it to refer to individuals where their gender is unknown or irrelevant… or, for that matter, when we’ve wanted to conceal whether they were male, female or non-binary.

In fact, this was a plot point in the movie Chasing Amy, when Joey Lauren Adams’ character – a bisexual woman – wanted to conceal that she was dating a man from her gay friends. One of her friends calls her out for “playing the pronoun game” over her current relationship.

But even though the singular “they” has been in use and grammatically correct for literal centuries, the fact is that the English language grows and evolves over time.  The recognition of nonbinary genders and adoption of “they” as a personal pronoun is just an extension of that evolution. This only feels unusual because it’s new. With time and exposure, it’ll feel as second nature as understanding the difference between there, they’re and their.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I got out of my one and only relationship (of seven years) four years ago. It left me really damaged and it took both a physical and mental toll on me. I’ve been spending the past three years building my confidence back up. I’ve been working with a therapist for a while and last year I got bariatric surgery to lose some of the weight I put on. I’ve improved a lot, but I realize that it is time to take off the training wheels, so to speak, and I’m rather nervous about that.

One of my biggest problems has been putting myself out there. I’ve recently decided to join a recreational sports program to try and give it a go. I ended up meeting a guy there who was really funny and sweet and he got me out of my shell pretty quickly. We had about an hour of downtime between games and he hung out with me and had a great conversation. It was animated and perhaps even a little flirty. At one point he said that he wanted to give me his number so I could send him a video we were talking about, but we were called to play a match so he never did end up giving me his number. After the event was over, a bunch of us went to an after party at a bar. The whole group hung out there for a while until people started to leave little by little. The guy came up to me to say goodbye and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and left.

This guy left such a good impression with me that I felt compelled to track him down. I found his work email and his Facebook pretty easily, but now that I have this information, I question if I should reach out to him at all. I know men are not used to being approached by women and I don’t want to come off as creepy or stalkerish because I tracked down his contact information. I also keep questioning if I had read the situation correctly to begin with. I have a bad track record of misinterpreting friendliness for flirting, and the last thing I want to do is create a reputation of being “that desperate creepy girl” at a rec league that I enjoy and very much want to keep attending. So Doc, am I misinterpreting this guys interest, as I always do? And if I did get it right, would it be creepy for me to reach out to him?

Sincerely, 

Forever Confused

DEAR FOREVER CONFUSED: First of all, FC, congratulations on the work you’ve been doing to get yourself into emotional shape. That can be a serious challenge for anyone, and it’s great that you’ve been taking the time to take care of yourself and get yourself into good working order. That says a lot about your strength, your emotional intelligence and your persistence and you should be justly proud of what you’ve accomplished.

Now, let’s talk a little about tracking down strangers on social media.

My general rule of thumb when it comes to things like Facebook-stalking is simple: don’t. In fact, I’ve been on the record a number of times about why this is a very bad, no good, rotten idea. However, it’s also important to note that, as with many things in life, context can be important. After all, as we live more and more of our lives online, we’re starting to see a blurring of our private and public selves. More and more often, we’re connecting with – and even forming relationships with – people we’ve first gotten to know via social media. And, hell, I’ve literally written a book about how to connect with people via Instagram, Snapchat and more. But if it’s going to be done, then it needs to be done with thought and care… something a lot of people apparently just don’t want to do.

One of the reasons why I come down hard on the side of “don’t do this” is because much of my advice is directed towards men who want to date women. Within that context comes the fact that women and men don’t navigate the same world or face the same risks. For all that people like to think that we’ve reached a mythical equality of the sexes – generally demarcated as any time after September 20, 1973 – the truth of the matter is that women have far more to fear from men, then men do from women. Women face threats and casual harassment that men simply don’t experience, and this includes how they’re treated on the Internet. Many, many women can tell you stories about strangers who’ve slid into their DMs in order to hit on them or drop dick pics like a cat dropping a dead mouse at their feet. Just as many can tell you about men who’ve creeped on them, stalked them or turned threatening, even if they seemed pleasant or harmless enough at first. This treatment is part of what forms the background radiation of many women’s online experiences, which is why it’s generally a bad idea for guys to appear out of the clear blue sky into someone’s social media accounts, especially someone they’d only met briefly before. Even though it may not be what the guy intended, there’s an unspoken message of “look how easy it was for me to find you,” that comes with this action.

However, the same can’t be said for men’s experiences online or in person. While yes, female stalkers do exist and men can be hurt or abused by women, the risk posed to men by women simply isn’t proportionate. The numbers of men physically threatened or harmed by women are dwarfed by the number of women threatened or harmed by men. Similarly, while stalkerish behavior from a man is seen as sinister and threatening, much of the same behavior from a woman is often seen as comical or somewhat sad. It tends to be played off as “someone who’s simply not attractive shooting out of her league” than Fatal Attraction territory. A woman messaging a man she barely knows or has only just met doesn’t carry the same potential for danger that would exist if the roles were reversed. In many ways, the risk is still greater for her – such as, as you mentioned, the possible social stigma of being known as the “desperate stalker girl”. More often than not, however, the effect would be potentially coming across as more interested in the other person than you actually are. After all, if you were willing to flout social convention in such an audacious manner… well, you must really want that d.

So your reaching out to him via Facebook is less likely to be as off-putting or disturbing as it would be if a guy were to do the same thing to a woman he’d met at a bar the night previous. This doesn’t mean that your reaching out would automatically be welcomed… but it likely wouldn’t weird him out the way it would be if you were a man and he were a woman.

Now with that in mind, let’s examine the situation. You met a guy at the game who spent significant time hanging out with you, who offered to give you his number, who came with you to a party at a bar and then went out of his way to say goodbye to you specifically and was physically affectionate to you.

I’m gonna go on a limb here and suggest that maybe, just maybe… he was kind of into you. So, if your friend request were to suddenly materialize in his inbox, I don’t think that he would recoil with horror. I suspect he’d probably be glad, even a little flattered.

But that’s not a sure thing. We tend to see our Facebook profiles differently than we see our Twitter or Instagram accounts; the latter tend to be more public and outward facing, while there’s still a certain assumption of personal privacy with Facebook. It’s more acceptable to follow a near-stranger on IG than it is on Facebook. There would be more socially plausible reasons to friend him if the two of you have friends in common or if you were part of the same groups – then there’s more context for your sending him a friend request and it would grease the metaphorical wheels a bit more.

So while I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, I wouldn’t necessarily reach out over Facebook. If he’s got an Instagram account, then following him there and sending him a message might be more within bounds.

There is, however, a better option. You met him through the sports program that you joined. The odds are that, if he’s a regular, you’re going to see him again. So I’d suggest that you go back to the games and keep an eye out for him. Then, next time you see him you can let him know that he completely forgot to give you his number and you’ve decided to rectify this by making sure that he has yours.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First I would like to say I’m from a South Asian country. We take relationships seriously and culturally. I have a girlfriend (4 months affair). She is my first love. but she had a boyfriend and I’m her second love. I’m really suffering that I couldn’t be her first love. But she loves me more than her life. She always tells it and I’m actually feeling that. Her ex-boyfriend was cheated on her and left her. She always tells I’m way better than him and she says “no one loved me as you do”. We have good emotionally and sexually love life. She is totally satisfied with me. But I’m really suffering.

I always feel like she lies to me because she doesn’t like to broke my heart and she still secretly love her ex because it is ‘first love things’. Sometimes I ask her that she still remembers her ex. She says no. But I can’t believe it. Please help me to figure this out. I really love her and I can’t even think that she is thinking about another man even for a moment.

Second Place, First Loser

DEAR SECOND PLACE, FIRST LOSER: Dude, if you love her, then you need to shut the hell up and trust her.

I’m going to give it to you straight: pretty much anyone you date is going to have a history. The older you get, the less likely it will be that you’re going to be somebody’s “first”. And that’s fine. There’s no prize for being somebody’s first love, somebody’s first relationship, somebody’s first sexual experience. It doesn’t magically confer significance on the relationship that nobody else will ever match or outdo. I mean, come the hell ON dude, you know this already because she’s already told you about how her first boyfriend cheated on her and dumped her. That’s such a low goddamn bar for you to clear that you could roller-skate over it.

And here you are agonizing about the fact that someone else was there first.

Here’s the other thing about firsts: they’re almost never “lasts”. No matter how seriously one’s culture takes relationships, the truth is that the vast majority of the population doesn’t stay with their first partner until death do they part. While it does happen – I’ve got a friend who’s been with his wife since they were 13 – it’s rare enough that you shouldn’t be betting the farm on it. So the fact that you aren’t someone’s first only means that the odds are better that you two might have the capability, the experience, the perspective and the emotional maturity to go the distance.

But NOT when you’re sitting there, telling someone that you love that she’s a liar when she says that she loves you and only you.

This ain’t about love, chief. This is about insecurity. This is about you worrying that you don’t measure up and that she’s going to leave you for someone else because reasons. And I’m here from the future to tell you that this is exactly what’s going to happen if you don’t quit throwing her past relationships in her face. You need to either accept that she’s being straight when she tells you that she loves you and cares for you and wants to be with you, or you need to get ready for the break-up that will be coming down the pike.

Instead of dealing with whether she loves you or not – accept that she is telling you the truth – you need to work on your self-esteem and your sense of self worth. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to find yourself a counselor or therapist and start unpacking these insecurities you have, before they detonate something good you have in your life.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now and I can say there need to be more people like you. Your work has really opened up my eyes on a lot of things and has helped me see people and the world in a different way.

A little background about myself: I just recently turned 19 and am finishing up my first semester in college. I have not been in a relationship yet, but I’m not worrying my ass off about not being in one since it will happen when it happens. I have a little bit of chub on me but I’m struggling to go to the gym, since my mom is the one with the plan and goes at 4 in the morning(yes 4 am), so I have been substituting my workouts with just simply walking around campus during my downtime.

Doing this allows me to enjoy my time alone since I am a quiet, shy, and introverted person. Which leads me to my question or problem depending on the way you look at it. Is me being a quiet person inherently a bad thing in the long run? I know the values of being quiet but I have heard from people, mainly toxic assholes, but also some people who are valued in life, that being quiet all the time will not get you a girlfriend.

I know I would like to have an intimate relationship with the opposite sex but, I don’t know if they will accept me as the quiet person. One of my closest female friends knows me so well as a quiet person but tells me that I am a teddy bear and a really cool person to be around. Right now I am just kinda at a loss for words, even though I do not say much. I don’t know it is my past causing me to be quiet a lot due to rejection or something else. Anyway, your thoughts and advice on what could help me would be greatly appreciated.

Yours truly,

Quiet Guy

DEAR QUIET GUY: Nobody is gonna deny that the world favors people who draw attention to themselves, QG. Quiet folks often get overlooked because, well, the loud folks are absorbing all the oxygen in the room. But the fact that you’re quiet doesn’t mean that you can’t get a partner or that people wouldn’t want to date you. It just means that you’re a quiet person… that’s it. There’re plenty of folks out there – including some of the loud chatterboxes – who appreciate someone who’s the strong, silent type.

The key is going to be just getting people’s attention in the first place.

This is an area where lower-key dating apps like Hinge or Bumble might be to your advantage. Unlike Tinder or OKCupid, these are slightly more oriented towards folks who want a relationship instead of a hook-up or casual fling. It also doesn’t hurt that on Bumble, women have to initiate the connection; this takes some of the pressure off you to force yourself out of your shell. You’re still going to have to make a point of keeping up your end of the conversation, but being in a position where women are more likely to strike the conversation up with you can make it easier to find someone awesome and build that connection that leads to a relationship.

And incidentally, if you’re in college, then take advantage of that. You should have access to your campus gym; no reason why you can’t go work out there instead of having to get up at oh-my-god-it’s-early to go to your mom’s place.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hey Doc,

Thanks again for publishing my letter a couple weeks ago. I took your advice and spoke to my friend last night (well… it’s more accurate that she said I should spit it out instead of dropping cryptic hints). I basically told her that my last couple of relationships had ended for a very specific reason, that my life was in flux, and that for the foreseeable future (and possibly forever) I wouldn’t be able to emotionally commit to anyone. She surprised me by saying that she’d understood that from the first time I mentioned it, and that she fully intended for this to be and remain a casual arrangement until such time as something changed for either one of us. She also told me I’m not the only guy she’s dating, and was worried whether or not I would be cool with non-monogamy (I am).

So now I’m a very happy side-piece. ¡Viva la conversacion! ¡Viva la revolucion sexual!

– EX Coming Out of Relationship, Looking to Evade Opaque and Nebulous Ethics

DEAR EX COMING OUT OF RELATIONSHIP, LOOKING TO EVADE OPAQUE AND NEBULOUS ETHICS: Glad to hear it worked out, EX CORLEONE!

Just a reminder folks: most of the time, all you need is to just use your words and actually talk this out.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)