DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I got out of my one and only relationship (of seven years) four years ago. It left me really damaged and it took both a physical and mental toll on me. I’ve been spending the past three years building my confidence back up. I’ve been working with a therapist for a while and last year I got bariatric surgery to lose some of the weight I put on. I’ve improved a lot, but I realize that it is time to take off the training wheels, so to speak, and I’m rather nervous about that.

One of my biggest problems has been putting myself out there. I’ve recently decided to join a recreational sports program to try and give it a go. I ended up meeting a guy there who was really funny and sweet and he got me out of my shell pretty quickly. We had about an hour of downtime between games and he hung out with me and had a great conversation. It was animated and perhaps even a little flirty. At one point he said that he wanted to give me his number so I could send him a video we were talking about, but we were called to play a match so he never did end up giving me his number. After the event was over, a bunch of us went to an after party at a bar. The whole group hung out there for a while until people started to leave little by little. The guy came up to me to say goodbye and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and left.

This guy left such a good impression with me that I felt compelled to track him down. I found his work email and his Facebook pretty easily, but now that I have this information, I question if I should reach out to him at all. I know men are not used to being approached by women and I don’t want to come off as creepy or stalkerish because I tracked down his contact information. I also keep questioning if I had read the situation correctly to begin with. I have a bad track record of misinterpreting friendliness for flirting, and the last thing I want to do is create a reputation of being “that desperate creepy girl” at a rec league that I enjoy and very much want to keep attending. So Doc, am I misinterpreting this guys interest, as I always do? And if I did get it right, would it be creepy for me to reach out to him?

Sincerely, 

Forever Confused

DEAR FOREVER CONFUSED: First of all, FC, congratulations on the work you’ve been doing to get yourself into emotional shape. That can be a serious challenge for anyone, and it’s great that you’ve been taking the time to take care of yourself and get yourself into good working order. That says a lot about your strength, your emotional intelligence and your persistence and you should be justly proud of what you’ve accomplished.

Now, let’s talk a little about tracking down strangers on social media.

My general rule of thumb when it comes to things like Facebook-stalking is simple: don’t. In fact, I’ve been on the record a number of times about why this is a very bad, no good, rotten idea. However, it’s also important to note that, as with many things in life, context can be important. After all, as we live more and more of our lives online, we’re starting to see a blurring of our private and public selves. More and more often, we’re connecting with – and even forming relationships with – people we’ve first gotten to know via social media. And, hell, I’ve literally written a book about how to connect with people via Instagram, Snapchat and more. But if it’s going to be done, then it needs to be done with thought and care… something a lot of people apparently just don’t want to do.

One of the reasons why I come down hard on the side of “don’t do this” is because much of my advice is directed towards men who want to date women. Within that context comes the fact that women and men don’t navigate the same world or face the same risks. For all that people like to think that we’ve reached a mythical equality of the sexes – generally demarcated as any time after September 20, 1973 – the truth of the matter is that women have far more to fear from men, then men do from women. Women face threats and casual harassment that men simply don’t experience, and this includes how they’re treated on the Internet. Many, many women can tell you stories about strangers who’ve slid into their DMs in order to hit on them or drop dick pics like a cat dropping a dead mouse at their feet. Just as many can tell you about men who’ve creeped on them, stalked them or turned threatening, even if they seemed pleasant or harmless enough at first. This treatment is part of what forms the background radiation of many women’s online experiences, which is why it’s generally a bad idea for guys to appear out of the clear blue sky into someone’s social media accounts, especially someone they’d only met briefly before. Even though it may not be what the guy intended, there’s an unspoken message of “look how easy it was for me to find you,” that comes with this action.

However, the same can’t be said for men’s experiences online or in person. While yes, female stalkers do exist and men can be hurt or abused by women, the risk posed to men by women simply isn’t proportionate. The numbers of men physically threatened or harmed by women are dwarfed by the number of women threatened or harmed by men. Similarly, while stalkerish behavior from a man is seen as sinister and threatening, much of the same behavior from a woman is often seen as comical or somewhat sad. It tends to be played off as “someone who’s simply not attractive shooting out of her league” than Fatal Attraction territory. A woman messaging a man she barely knows or has only just met doesn’t carry the same potential for danger that would exist if the roles were reversed. In many ways, the risk is still greater for her – such as, as you mentioned, the possible social stigma of being known as the “desperate stalker girl”. More often than not, however, the effect would be potentially coming across as more interested in the other person than you actually are. After all, if you were willing to flout social convention in such an audacious manner… well, you must really want that d.

So your reaching out to him via Facebook is less likely to be as off-putting or disturbing as it would be if a guy were to do the same thing to a woman he’d met at a bar the night previous. This doesn’t mean that your reaching out would automatically be welcomed… but it likely wouldn’t weird him out the way it would be if you were a man and he were a woman.

Now with that in mind, let’s examine the situation. You met a guy at the game who spent significant time hanging out with you, who offered to give you his number, who came with you to a party at a bar and then went out of his way to say goodbye to you specifically and was physically affectionate to you.

I’m gonna go on a limb here and suggest that maybe, just maybe… he was kind of into you. So, if your friend request were to suddenly materialize in his inbox, I don’t think that he would recoil with horror. I suspect he’d probably be glad, even a little flattered.

But that’s not a sure thing. We tend to see our Facebook profiles differently than we see our Twitter or Instagram accounts; the latter tend to be more public and outward facing, while there’s still a certain assumption of personal privacy with Facebook. It’s more acceptable to follow a near-stranger on IG than it is on Facebook. There would be more socially plausible reasons to friend him if the two of you have friends in common or if you were part of the same groups – then there’s more context for your sending him a friend request and it would grease the metaphorical wheels a bit more.

So while I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, I wouldn’t necessarily reach out over Facebook. If he’s got an Instagram account, then following him there and sending him a message might be more within bounds.

There is, however, a better option. You met him through the sports program that you joined. The odds are that, if he’s a regular, you’re going to see him again. So I’d suggest that you go back to the games and keep an eye out for him. Then, next time you see him you can let him know that he completely forgot to give you his number and you’ve decided to rectify this by making sure that he has yours.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First I would like to say I’m from a South Asian country. We take relationships seriously and culturally. I have a girlfriend (4 months affair). She is my first love. but she had a boyfriend and I’m her second love. I’m really suffering that I couldn’t be her first love. But she loves me more than her life. She always tells it and I’m actually feeling that. Her ex-boyfriend was cheated on her and left her. She always tells I’m way better than him and she says “no one loved me as you do”. We have good emotionally and sexually love life. She is totally satisfied with me. But I’m really suffering.

I always feel like she lies to me because she doesn’t like to broke my heart and she still secretly love her ex because it is ‘first love things’. Sometimes I ask her that she still remembers her ex. She says no. But I can’t believe it. Please help me to figure this out. I really love her and I can’t even think that she is thinking about another man even for a moment.

Second Place, First Loser

DEAR SECOND PLACE, FIRST LOSER: Dude, if you love her, then you need to shut the hell up and trust her.

I’m going to give it to you straight: pretty much anyone you date is going to have a history. The older you get, the less likely it will be that you’re going to be somebody’s “first”. And that’s fine. There’s no prize for being somebody’s first love, somebody’s first relationship, somebody’s first sexual experience. It doesn’t magically confer significance on the relationship that nobody else will ever match or outdo. I mean, come the hell ON dude, you know this already because she’s already told you about how her first boyfriend cheated on her and dumped her. That’s such a low goddamn bar for you to clear that you could roller-skate over it.

And here you are agonizing about the fact that someone else was there first.

Here’s the other thing about firsts: they’re almost never “lasts”. No matter how seriously one’s culture takes relationships, the truth is that the vast majority of the population doesn’t stay with their first partner until death do they part. While it does happen – I’ve got a friend who’s been with his wife since they were 13 – it’s rare enough that you shouldn’t be betting the farm on it. So the fact that you aren’t someone’s first only means that the odds are better that you two might have the capability, the experience, the perspective and the emotional maturity to go the distance.

But NOT when you’re sitting there, telling someone that you love that she’s a liar when she says that she loves you and only you.

This ain’t about love, chief. This is about insecurity. This is about you worrying that you don’t measure up and that she’s going to leave you for someone else because reasons. And I’m here from the future to tell you that this is exactly what’s going to happen if you don’t quit throwing her past relationships in her face. You need to either accept that she’s being straight when she tells you that she loves you and cares for you and wants to be with you, or you need to get ready for the break-up that will be coming down the pike.

Instead of dealing with whether she loves you or not – accept that she is telling you the truth – you need to work on your self-esteem and your sense of self worth. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to find yourself a counselor or therapist and start unpacking these insecurities you have, before they detonate something good you have in your life.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now and I can say there need to be more people like you. Your work has really opened up my eyes on a lot of things and has helped me see people and the world in a different way.

A little background about myself: I just recently turned 19 and am finishing up my first semester in college. I have not been in a relationship yet, but I’m not worrying my ass off about not being in one since it will happen when it happens. I have a little bit of chub on me but I’m struggling to go to the gym, since my mom is the one with the plan and goes at 4 in the morning(yes 4 am), so I have been substituting my workouts with just simply walking around campus during my downtime.

Doing this allows me to enjoy my time alone since I am a quiet, shy, and introverted person. Which leads me to my question or problem depending on the way you look at it. Is me being a quiet person inherently a bad thing in the long run? I know the values of being quiet but I have heard from people, mainly toxic assholes, but also some people who are valued in life, that being quiet all the time will not get you a girlfriend.

I know I would like to have an intimate relationship with the opposite sex but, I don’t know if they will accept me as the quiet person. One of my closest female friends knows me so well as a quiet person but tells me that I am a teddy bear and a really cool person to be around. Right now I am just kinda at a loss for words, even though I do not say much. I don’t know it is my past causing me to be quiet a lot due to rejection or something else. Anyway, your thoughts and advice on what could help me would be greatly appreciated.

Yours truly,

Quiet Guy

DEAR QUIET GUY: Nobody is gonna deny that the world favors people who draw attention to themselves, QG. Quiet folks often get overlooked because, well, the loud folks are absorbing all the oxygen in the room. But the fact that you’re quiet doesn’t mean that you can’t get a partner or that people wouldn’t want to date you. It just means that you’re a quiet person… that’s it. There’re plenty of folks out there – including some of the loud chatterboxes – who appreciate someone who’s the strong, silent type.

The key is going to be just getting people’s attention in the first place.

This is an area where lower-key dating apps like Hinge or Bumble might be to your advantage. Unlike Tinder or OKCupid, these are slightly more oriented towards folks who want a relationship instead of a hook-up or casual fling. It also doesn’t hurt that on Bumble, women have to initiate the connection; this takes some of the pressure off you to force yourself out of your shell. You’re still going to have to make a point of keeping up your end of the conversation, but being in a position where women are more likely to strike the conversation up with you can make it easier to find someone awesome and build that connection that leads to a relationship.

And incidentally, if you’re in college, then take advantage of that. You should have access to your campus gym; no reason why you can’t go work out there instead of having to get up at oh-my-god-it’s-early to go to your mom’s place.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hey Doc,

Thanks again for publishing my letter a couple weeks ago. I took your advice and spoke to my friend last night (well… it’s more accurate that she said I should spit it out instead of dropping cryptic hints). I basically told her that my last couple of relationships had ended for a very specific reason, that my life was in flux, and that for the foreseeable future (and possibly forever) I wouldn’t be able to emotionally commit to anyone. She surprised me by saying that she’d understood that from the first time I mentioned it, and that she fully intended for this to be and remain a casual arrangement until such time as something changed for either one of us. She also told me I’m not the only guy she’s dating, and was worried whether or not I would be cool with non-monogamy (I am).

So now I’m a very happy side-piece. ¡Viva la conversacion! ¡Viva la revolucion sexual!

– EX Coming Out of Relationship, Looking to Evade Opaque and Nebulous Ethics

DEAR EX COMING OUT OF RELATIONSHIP, LOOKING TO EVADE OPAQUE AND NEBULOUS ETHICS: Glad to hear it worked out, EX CORLEONE!

Just a reminder folks: most of the time, all you need is to just use your words and actually talk this out.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband (to whom I have been married for nine years) and I haven’t had sex for more than two and a half years.  When the dearth began, it seemed mutual.  Our physical connection had never been strong, and he was highly interested in his hobbies (mostly watching movies and television).  Because our connection had not been strong, I didn’t mind a short break.  I just never dreamed it would last as long as it has.  It is looking as though I will never have sex again, barring an affair or a divorce.  (We do not plan to get a divorce, not so much “for the sake of the children,” but because we both wish to remain an intact family with those children.  We like our family life, appreciate each other’s co-parenting, and could not afford to live separately.)

I have known for longer than the length of this dry spell that my husband is a porn user.  I never liked it, but I also didn’t predict that it would cause an absolute end to our sex life.  The very young women featured in his preferred porn look nothing like me;  however, his choice does, at least, indicate that he is heterosexual, and I was under the impression that very many men managed to enjoy porn and also have sex in real life.

My husband is highly apologetic for his inability to have renewed interest in sex.  I remain confused about his absolute lack of sex drive.  His testosterone was somewhat low when tested a few years ago, and it probably became lower with age.  However, it seems to be the case that his interest in porn is deep, but sporadic.  He is trying to quit because he says it is a bad use of his time and he feels bad and dirty about it;  he is politically progressive and does not (intellectually/politically) support the porn industry.  He can go a month or two without using, but when he does use it, he maintains a real web presence about it, sharing with other men on various social media sites.  He has a screen name and a persona.  I would normally think that someone with such a deep interest in porn would, after denying himself for a few weeks, be willing to try real-life sex, as an alternative to nothing.

Based on what you know of men, sex, and porn, does this add up?  I keep wondering if there is a reason for his reluctance that he is not telling me.  I can see that he is lacking the vitality and lustfulness I have seen in other men.  In a way, it is believable that he has no libido.  Why, then, the very strong interest in porn?

FWIW, I spent the first half of this year trying to press the issue, by forcing him into a discussion that he strongly resisted.  I then decided to seek therapy (just for myself), and through self work, I have reached a level of acceptance.  I have learned to be nice about it.  His answer is “no,” and I no longer press for discussion.  I am largely focusing on other areas of my life, with the idea in the back of my mind that I will treat myself to a discreet affair once per decade until I am so old that it is impossible.  That’s at least three affairs, if I maintain The Golden Girls as my inspiration.  (I could have up to five if I channel my inner Sophia.)

I understand that you will not be able to endorse my plans for infidelity.  Can you, though, offer insight into my husband’s sexuality?

Yours truly,

Puzzled Over Porn

DEAR PUZZLED OVER PORN: There’re a few things to keep in mind when it comes to people and their porn consumption, PoP. The first is that the porn they’re watching isn’t necessarily the sex they want to have or the people they want to have it with. One of the quirks of the human psyche is that we’re novelty-seeking creatures. We get a dopamine rush from new experiences… including new sexual partners. This is part of why that initial passion tends to wane over the course of a long-term relationship; our brains don’t get the same rush of feel-good chemicals that they do with a brand-new partner. For many people, porn is how they feed that desire for novelty without necessarily cheating on their partner. While they certainly wouldn’t say no to a night with the cast of My Sister’s Hot Friend, that doesn’t mean that’s who they’d rather be banging. It just (usually) means “in addition to…”

Similarly, the TYPE of porn is often less of a “this is what I’d rather have” as much as “this is also something I like”. For a lot of folks, porn is how they explore fantasies they may have that they wouldn’t want to actually replicate in real life.

Now someone call Sir Mixx-A-Lot ‘cuz there’s a big but coming.

BUT…

I don’t think the problem is that your husband’s libido has waned or that he’s gotten addicted to porn or that his testosterone is low – which actually has far less to do with . As much as I hate to say this, I think the issue isn’t that he’s not interested in sex. I think the issue is that he isn’t interested in sex with you.

Like you said: the two of you never had a strong sexual connection to begin with. That’s a pretty good indicator that, in all likelihood, the two of you were not sexually compatible to begin with… or even that attracted to one another, for that matter. And while it’s possible to muscle through a fundamental lack of attraction, especially in the beginning when it’s all still new and exciting, there’s going to come a point where, frankly, it’s harder work up the desire for an even half-hearted roll in the hay. Certainly not when it’s easier to just crank one out in front of XHamster.

And if he’s just not that into you… well, there really is no amount of couple’s therapy, pole dancing classes or sexy lingerie that’s gonna bring that back. At best, talking with a couple’s counselor will get him to a point where he could actually admit to what’s going on… but that also means upending his life in ways that he (and you) don’t want.

Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t think you two shouldn’t talk to a counselor… I just think your goals should be slightly different. I’m not a fan of “staying together for the kids”, to be honest; more often than not, this actually is more harmful to the children than divorce would be. Kids aren’t dumb; they can tell when things aren’t right in the family, and they do better when their parents are actually happy. And that means even if they’re happy with different partners, respectively. But if you’re going to stay together, then I think your goal when talking to a counselor shouldn’t be trying to rekindle an extinguished fire.

It should be about finding an arrangement that works for the both of you.

If your husband truly isn’t interested in you any more, then it makes more sense to negotiate the potential of an open or non-monogamous relationship than it does to go sneaking around behind his back. Not having to sneak makes it easier for you to get your needs met, and with less risk to the relationship; just because someone isn’t into you doesn’t mean that an affair can’t damage things. Plus: it means that you could get action more than just once a decade.

So do yourself a favor, PoP: find yourself a sex-positive marriage counselor. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory on their site that can help you find a counselor in your area. Have a few sessions with them and then do your due diligence by checking out Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell. Hopefully you and your husband can find an arrangement that works for both of you… and your kids.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)