DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a female in my late 20’s with a variation of a problem you’ve heard before. I can’t get a date. I never get asked out, and if I ask a guy out they say no. The last guy I dated was in college and we were best friends first and shifted to a relationship as it became clear we both had feelings for one another.

I do plenty of activities where I’m around people. I play D&D with multiple groups of people (forever DM), volunteer at church in areas where I’m around other people my age, go to the gym, play intramural sports, and hang out with friends where I can meet more of their social circles. My friends describe me as fun, friendly, flirty when I want to be, passionate about the things I like, witty, independent, and sarcastic as hell. However, I’m very analytically minded, pragmatic, and not good at showing my emotions. When I jokingly asked which Star Wars character I was most similar to, they all separately said R2-D2 or K2-S0. I am also fairly overweight, but I’m working on it and know that won’t change overnight. I try to look as good as I can, but I stick with minimal makeup and clothes that make me feel comfortable but still look nice.

I have lots of guy friends, so I know I get along well with guys. They take initiative and invite me along to things; it’s not like I’m just tagging along with them. But it’s never more than that. Anytime I try and ask a guy out, which only happens after significant flirting and it seems like they’re interested (and friends tell me it looks like they’re interested-so it’s not just me misreading signals), they say that they only think of me as a good friend. And guys ask out all my single friends, but never me.

What am I doing wrong? I’m not going to mope around and say “woe is me, I’ll be single forever”. If there’s something I should fix, I’ll get right on it. Is it that I’m not attractive enough? Or am I totally missing something else?

Thanks,

Too Many Best Friends

DEAR TOO MANY BEST FRIENDS: Here’s my question for you, TMBF: do you feel attractive? Not in the sense of “here’re all the dudes that think I’m hot,” but the way you think of yourself. Do you look in the mirror and think that you’re sexy? Or do you look at the things that you think are your flaws and think about trying to look good despite them?

The way you describe yourself physically and the way that you describe your appearance makes me suspect it’s the latter. I’ve known a lot of folks, especially people who’re overweight, who look at their weight as the disqualifier from… well, everything. They don’t feel like they have a right to dress well, to put effort into their presentation or to just think of themselves as being a sexy bad-ass. And that sense of “I’m not good enough” tends to get in the way of, well, everything. Because straight talk: there’re folks out there who like big women, just as there’re folks who like big men. And I don’t just mean fetishists or people who think that overweight women are desperate or will put up with more bullshit, folks who are attracted to and desire big women and want relationships with them.

But it’s hard to find them when you don’t feel like you’re allowed to think that you’re a sexy badass.

So my first suggestion for you is to start treating yourself like you’re hot. Find the things that make you feel unstoppably awesome. Maybe it’s a kick-ass dress. Maybe it’s a different make-up routine. Maybe it’s finding your personal style, something that’s uniquely you and makes you feel like a million bucks. This isn’t about changing yourself to someone else’s ideal, but in finding the things that make you feel like a goddamn bundle of awesome that people would be insane to pass up. Because, like I’m often saying, attitude is destiny. And recognizing that you’re money and knowing that people would be lucky to date you changes how you approach relationships and dating.

My second suggestion is to examine how you’re coming across to people. If you’re a little more emotionally reserved and pragmatic just because that’s how you naturally are… cool, you do you. But if you’re holding yourself back because you don’t feel like you’re allowed to have a presence or express yourself… well, that’s when it’s time to give yourself take up a little more emotional space. It could be that your cool demeanor and reserve may be putting people off because they think you’re not interested. It may be that by leaning into your passions and letting those passions be a bigger part of your life, you’ll feel empowered to be more expressive.

My third suggestion is to give things time. Sometimes the issue has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the people around you. It may be that at your age and in your social circles, you’re with people who aren’t mature enough for you; god knows that those guys who like big women often have to overcome a lot of social programming that tells them that their desires are shameful and that they should only want conventionally hot women. It may also be that you just haven’t been in a position to meet the right guy yet. A good friend of mine spent years dealing with assholes who would tell her to her face that she was good enough to fuck, but not good enough to date. She was convinced that she was going to die alone, unloved and unmourned.

A couple years later, I officiated at her wedding.

As unhelpful as it can feel, sometimes the problem isn’t something that you can fix; it’s just a matter of time and demographics and waiting for things to line up correctly. Which ain’t fun… but it also means that this too shall pass.

You’ve got a lot going for you TMBF, and I suspect that the more you embrace your awesome, the more luck you’ll have. Live an awesome life that makes you feel awesome and the rest will start to take care of itself.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I am a (woman? Nonbinary person?… Still figuring that out…) in my 30s. My husband and I have been together for almost ten years now, and in that time we have been through some majorly difficult situations. A few years ago I was in a car accident that left me bedridden for a few months and while I have mostly recovered, I will have pain and some mobility issues for the rest of my life. When I lost my job because my mobility issues had a bigger impact on my ability to work than we thought they would, we were briefly homeless. Relying on my social connections (he wasn’t close enough to anyone to feel that he could reach out), we were able to pull ourselves out of that. I have been able to find a job more suited to my capabilities, and although it does not pay well, we are ok financially because we have adjusted to live within the means of his job (mostly by moving 3 hours away to less rent intensive city – we weren’t spending frivolously before).

Through all of our difficulties, hubby has repeatedly shown himself to be a caring guy and a loving partner. We are socially, values-wise, and spiritually compatible, and we really compliment each other’s skill sets in a lot of areas and help each other grow. I feel like we are a dream team in all areas but sex.

I have been saying for years that I wish our sex life were more… Interactive, I guess? I feel like it’s always either his turn or my turn, and my turn only comes when I break down and beg for it. This is not a problem that I’ve had with previous partners. His experience before me was fairly limited, so I guess I always figured we were just in a learning curve. He has gotten a little better about this over the years, but ultimately I feel like our sex life doesn’t really include me at all. I have stopped asking for anything really because having to beg for an orgasm means that I am not able to enjoy the stimulation enough to get there. Sometimes after sex I find myself fantasizing about leaving him. Sometimes I even get stuck in suicidal ideation.

Recently he told me that he saw Terry Crews talking about porn addiction, and thought that he had it and that was causing our sexual difficulties. Before this neither of us really saw how his porn habit was a contributing factor. He said that he had gotten so stuck in the pattern of a solo habit that being turned on was like switching a flip in his brain that made him feel like he was alone. He started seeing a therapist (this is all very recent) and told me that he wants to start working on having a real sexual connection with me. I want more than anything to have that connection with him, but frankly the idea of being present in sex at this point sends me into a total meltdown.

I do have a therapy appointment scheduled, but as an Autistic woman who is very very good at masking, I feel like therapists really don’t understand what I’m saying a lot of the time. (I was diagnosed as a child, taught to act neurotypical, and then just sort of tossed back into the general population with no acknowledgment that I might have some less obvious problems… And I did pretty well at pretending that I did not.) While I’m often very good at understanding other people (I have had to make a very intensive study of this just to keep up), I am not good at all at making myself understood. Therapists, I have found, often tend to get fixated on helping me through issues that are common but not at all what I’m struggling with, and when I try to correct them they assume that I’m in denial. While this has taught me a lot about how to understand and help my friends, it leaves me to figure out my stuff on my own, and frankly I’m flummoxed here. How do I cope with being present in sex when alarm bells are going off in my head the whole time? The logical part of my brain says that now that the problem has been identified, we have a real path to victory here, but the emotional part of my brain does not see the path at all. Please help!

Waiting For My Turn

DEAR WAITING FOR MY TURN: So the other day, I mentioned a genre of advice letter called the “BUT” letter. As in “our relationship is great! But…” This is another example of that. Your relationship with your husband is incredible… except for this one thing. It’s not much, it’s hardly worth complaining about… except for the part where you’re feeling abandoned and feel so hurt that you think about leaving him or hurting yourself.

That’s a pretty goddamn big but, WFMT.

In general, you and your hubby are doing exactly the sort of thing I tell people they need to do when it comes to strengthening and maintaining a relationship… but. We live in a sex-negative culture that tells us that if everything else is working well, then you shouldn’t complain, that it’s just sex and maybe somebody should do more dishes and take up more of the housework or something equally anodyne. We’re told that we shouldn’t get that upset about sex and that if need be, the member of the couple who isn’t getting their needs met shouldn’t impose too much on the other.

The truth is that sexual compatibility is a vital component when it comes to the health and longevity of a relationship; possibly THE most vital. After all, people will blow up their entire lives over sex; they almost never do that over whether someone’s not doing their share of the washing up. Sex and sexual satisfaction is about more than just who’s orgasming when and how many times; in a relationship, it’s also about intimacy and connection, about bringing two people together. Problem is… none of that’s happening here. From the way you’re describing things, it sounds an awful lot like your husband is treating you like a sex-toy, not as a person and certainly not like his wife. It sounds like he gets himself off and anything after that is… well, is it even an afterthought?

Now it’s good that he’s talking to a therapist. It’s good that he says that he wants a better sexual connection with you and to be more present during sex. The part that sets off my Spidey-Sense though, is the part where he blames it all on porn. See, porn addiction isn’t really a thing. There’s no diagnostic criteria for problematic porn usage, nor does porn addiction exist as a diagnosis in current edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists issued a statement saying that there’s not sufficient evidence to link sexual thoughts or behaviors to porn addiction or porn usage. In fact, the only places I find that insist that it’s a real and dangerous problem are the no-fap subreddits and organizations – frequently religiously based – that promise treatment and cures.

Sex addiction and porn addiction does, however, create a very handy excuse for whatever problems people care to blame on it. It becomes a great way of avoiding any real accountability or responsibility and makes it that much harder to deal with the actual problems in your relationship.

So no, I don’t think that watching so much porn just flipped a switch in his brain that made him forget that he wasn’t in the room with another person. I think he’s got other things on his mind. Maybe he’s just selfish, maybe he feels like your mobility issues make sex too difficult for more than just getting his rocks off… I don’t know. What I do know is that if he’s going into the therapist to talk about being addicted to porn, that nothing meaningful is going to change.

I think what you two need to do is see a sex-positive counselor together, on top of seeing your own therapists. Ideally, you want to see someone who isn’t going to see a mismatch in desire or interest as a problem for the person with the higher libido or who isn’t going to take “porn makes me treat you like a Fleshlight” for an answer. I strongly recommend AASECT’s referral directory to help you find a sex-positive counselor in your area, who can hopefully help you two communicate with one another about what’s going on and find an answer.

And one more thing: if you’re finding that therapists are insisting you’re in denial when you feel like you’ve been misunderstood? Then it may be time to find a different therapist. Therapy is a lot like dating; you need a therapist who understands  you, who listens to what you’re actually saying and has a genuine rapport with you. If you’re finding that the one you’re working with doesn’t understand or isn’t listening? You’re totally allowed to fire them and find someone else. Don’t forget: the whole point of a therapist is that they work for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My wife and I were extremely happily married for more than 45 years. We virtually never fought and only wanted to be together. My wife suddenly died, without warning, approximately 4 months ago. We both come from very close families, and we have several children of our own. I have been very lonely since her death. How long would you say it is appropriate to wait before starting to look for another companion? I am getting older and do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. But, I also do not want to cause problems with any family members who might think that I was not being loyal to the memory of my late wife.

Wondering Widower

DEAR WONDERING WIDOWER: First, I’m so sorry for your loss, WW. Losing your partner is hard enough; losing her without warning or even a chance to say goodbye is almost cruel.

Now to answer your question… the most appropriate time is when you’re sure that you’re ready. One of the things that people often don’t understand about grief and the loss of a partner, especially a life-long partner, is how huge that void can be. This was a person who’s been a part of your life for decades and now there’s nothing. We talk about how recovering from the end of a relationship is often like coming to terms with losing a limb; often when we lose a partner to death, it’s more like we’ve lost a piece of ourselves. There’s a hole where this person, our lover, our partner, our companion used to be, and the existence of that hole can sometimes be more devastating than the initial loss.

It’s totally understandable that you’re lonely and want to find someone who can help alleviate that loneliness. That’s natural, and I don’t think you need to hold yourself to some artificial deadline – whether it’s six months, a year or more – in order to make sure you’re not being disrespectful somehow. To be perfectly frank, I think it’s more disrespectful to your wife for you to not find companionship again. I would find it almost impossible to believe that someone who loved you as dearly and as passionately and as long as your wife did would want you to be alone, to not love again or to suffer because she’s gone. I rather imagine she’d want you to continue to live and be happy.

And that’s my suggestion too. You are still alive… so live and love. That, I think, is the best way you could be loyal to the memory of your wife.

As for family members who think that you’re somehow betraying her? Tell them what you’ve told me: you’re lonely and do they really think that your wife would want you to shut yourself away from the world? Would she really want you to hurt so much while she’s gone? You deserve love, you deserve happiness and you deserve to care for someone and to be cared for in return. Your finding someone new isn’t disrespecting your memory of your wife. It’s a tribute to the love you had and the depth of your feelings.

Go find a new companion, WW. You have my blessing.

Good luck

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In the last couple of months I’ve felt really tired as if I had lost all my energy and the only thing I want to do is stay under my sheets. It’s not like I want to sleep, in fact I’ve not slept well in weeks. Everytime I go to bed I remember how pathetic and sad is my life and how worthless am I.

I’m 25 and since I left college (one year) I’ve been in so many jobs interviews and all have led to nothing. I know it’s supposed to be hard but every time my hopes of landing a job have been crushed and I’m scared that I’ll never get a job and I’ll never have a life and I’m running out of time and waste my life. I don’t want to be a failure or a burden to my family.

My social life is as nonexistent as my work life. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I never kissed or held hands with a girl in my life. Back in high school almost every girl in my class told me how ugly I was and that I would die alone and so far they have been right. And just thinking that I’ll go through life without experiencing love kills me and makes me cry. I’ve approached many women in the past and always got rejected (sometimes is just a ‘hi’ and they look at me like GTFO) I must conclude I’m hideous or well below a minimum acceptable standard, since 100% of the girls I’ve met didn’t like me. I don’t try anymore because I’m scared of being laughed or ridiculed.

I know you have been through hard times and low points in your life and I guess I want a word of advice on how to keep going. I feel like I’m giving up on everything and I don’t know what to do.

A Tired Lad

DEAR A TIRED LAD: Alright, ATL, you’ve got a layered series of problems, and the overarching issue is that you’re trying to handle these in the wrong order. Cases of yours are like mathematics; you need to solve things in the correct order to get the right result; otherwise you end up with an answer that seems correct but ultimately doesn’t solve anything. Trying to find a relationship, for example, is the wrong answer. You’re not in a position where you can find one or maintain one. Not because you’re worthless or because you’re undeserving but because you won’t be able to. In your current state, you won’t believe that people can find you attractive and you’ll brush off the folks who show interest lying or a mistake. You’ll take people’s responses in the worst possible light, regardless of what they actually said or did. Those women you insist were looking at you like GTFO? I can guarantee  you that this is your brain looking at things and trying to find the worst possible interpretation.

Just as importantly though is that you won’t have the emotional resilience to bounce back from the disappointments and frustrations that we all face in dating.

So let’s talk about orders of operation.

In this case, you need to work from the inside out. So first things first, ATL: the symptoms you’re describing right at the top? That’s depression, man. Not “I’ve got the blues”, but chronic depression. The listlessness, the lack of energy that no amount of sleep seems to fix, the self-critical thoughts as you lay in bed? Those are all incredibly common symptoms of depression. That’s why the first thing you need to do is talk to a therapist and start getting that under control. And as someone who wrestles with depression himself, I’m here to tell you: that s

t ain’t easy. There’s no one-size fits all answer. Some people respond well to self-directed therapies like Mood Gym or cognitive behavioral therapy. Other people respond well to talk therapy, while still others need medication to get things under control. It can take time to find the course of action that’s right for you. It may not be any one thing; you may need more than one option working in conjunction to help pull you out of this morass and feel like you’re back in control again. And that’s fine. There’s no shame in needing help, and being willing to actually take steps to get better is a sign of strength.

And while it’s by no cure by any stretch of the imagination, exercise, yoga and meditation can certainly help give you a greater feeling of control. Being active gets your blood flowing and your heart pumping, which helps your brain produce endorphins. Yoga and meditation help you get your racing thoughts under control and teach you how to get some much-needed quiet and calm at times when it seems like your anxieties are whispering in your ear like Grima Wormtongue. It won’t solve your problems, but they can help give you just a little more strength to hold on and to push through.

Your next step is going to be dealing with fundamental lifestyle issues. Unemployment is awful in general, but for a lot of men, it hits on an existential level; we grow up with the idea that a Real Man Is A Provider and that A Real Man is self-sufficient. This is part of why we get so anxious about issues like living with our parents or being “a burden”; it’s not just the guilt of relying on others, but the fear that this marks us as Not Men. If you aren’t living on your own without help from anyone… well, are you an adult? Are you even a man? But the problem is that, while the stock market may be doing gangbusters and CEOs are pulling down record profits, the economy still blows for everyone who isn’t a multi-millionaire. Jobs are scarce and insecure – especially as industries get “disrupted” and automation continues to eliminate jobs entirely – so everyone lives with the awareness that the job they have today may not even exist tomorrow. So now many men find themselves in the position of feeling like their identity as men is literally out of their control.

This is why your next step is simply getting work. It doesn’t need to be your dream job. It doesn’t need to be the last job you’ll ever have. It just needs to be something that gives you that sense of control back, a combination guide-rail and stepping stone. It’s something to steady yourself long enough to feel like everything isn’t hopeless, that you can then use to move forward to a new and better job. So if you have to join the gig economy briefly… do it. If you need to pick up a job stocking shelves or pouring asphalt, go for it. This is just temporary, something to help you get your feet under you. Save up your cash as best you can so that you can take your next step – whether it’s finding roommates and an apartment, freelancing, developing a side-hustle or taking time to go hit the job market like it’s a piñata and you want that delicious candy inside.

As you build on these, then you’re going to be in a position to give more attention to your social life. But you won’t be looking for a girlfriend; you’re simply going to build your social life, holistically. You’re going to make finding friends and reinforcing the bonds with the friends you already have. Having a strong circle of friends – people who love you, care for you and who support you. I realize it’s not as sexy – as it were – as going out and finding Hotty McHotterson and finally getting that first kiss or losing your virginity… but it’s what you need far more right now. Most men are desperately lonely and don’t have a strong group of friends; as a result, they put all of their emotional burdens on their girlfriends and wives. This taxes their relationships under the best of circumstances, but it also isolates them. If their partner is their sole source of emotional support, socializing and emotional intimacy, then those partners become a single point of failure. If their relationship falls apart, they’re back to being isolated and alone, with nobody to rely on and nobody to turn to. And then you’d be back in the position you’re in now.

So, like I said. Order of operations, man. The more you get your life in order, the happier, the more satisfied and the more confident you’ll be. And that, in turn, will make it easier for you to find a relationship.

Getting these aspects in your life are going to form the stable foundation that you can use to build on. You won’t feel so out of control or at the mercy of the poison your depression is dripping in your ear. You’ll be in a position where you’ll be able to recognize your worth and understand that you are deserving of love. More importantly, however, is that being single or not won’t be what defines you as a person.

I get that it’s hard. I get how impossible it feels right now. But I am here to promise you: it will be ok. You’re stronger than you realize and you can keep going.

You’ll be ok.

I promise.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)