DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 24 year old man who’s a virgin (long story short: late bloomer due to issues with anxiety and depression). I’ve made great strides in recent years, in no small part thanks to the therapist I had seen for about 2 years, ending in December of last year. I have lots of friends, diverse interests, and having finally started living on my own starting in the summer of last year. I’ve begun dating as well, mainly through dating apps though I’m trying to get out into the bar scene and other meatspace opportunities to meet potential dates. Though it can sometimes be hard to find a friend willing to head out with me (just another joy of being an adult I guess).

Anyway, while I don’t have trouble finding dates (I’m not great at it, but still learning) I do find myself being somewhat stymied by my sexual frustration at times. I have a very high sex drive (often having ‘me time’ at least once or twice a day), and whenever I get on Tinder or Bumble and start swiping my mind immediately goes to thoughts of potentially having sex with them. Same thing when I see a cute thing at a bar: my mind can pretty quickly go from “Oh she’s cute” to “I really want to see her with her top off” pretty damn quick. I obviously don’t want to approach them with that thought bouncing around in my brain because I’m worried about coming on too strong thanks to my desire, and because I’m genuinely interested in a relationship without jumping into bed with someone right away. Even when I can keep that frustration in check, when I start talking to someone I’m interested in that lust can pop up pretty damn quick, which I feel in turn makes me act like I have more invested in this person than I actually do, which in turn can make me come on to strong and seem desperate.

How can I deal with my sexual frustration? How can I make sure to keep my desire in check and not come on too strong with dates or potential dates? Is this really a problem, or am I just letting my dating anxiety get the best of me and making excuses not to talk to these people?

Sincerely,

Revved Up With No Place To Go

DEAR REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO: Not that I’m not sympathetic, RVWNPTG but you’re kind of making a mountain out of an erection here.

The problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have. I mean yes, you’re hornier than a three-d

*ed billy-goat, but let’s be real here: it’s not like all the blood is being pulled from your brain and now you’re just a mindless beast. It’s not like you’re finding yourself raging out of control, helpless before the power of your own lust. You’re just having really horny thoughts and worrying that it’s leaking out into everything you’re doing.

And while yeah, I think it’s safe to assume that folks are twigging to the fact that you’d like to get laid, I don’t think this is any different from all the other straight guy out on the scene. Those thoughts you’re having? They’re normal, my dude. It’s not like these are so intrusive that you can’t function or leaving you so horned up that you’re having to excuse yourself to the men’s room six, seven, eight times per day. You’re just seeing people you find attractive and having a perfectly normal and expected reaction to that attraction.

But is it affecting you? Well, you might not be making the best decisions possible, but horny people have long made poor choices when it seemed like sex was on the table (and the couch and the floor). I mean, the less said about some of the decisions I made when I was younger when I thought there was a vague chance of getting laid, the better. Let’s just say that I can relate to some of those boner-jam road trip movies on a deep and personal level and leave it at that.

Now I could understand being worried about a Paradise By The Dashboard Light situation where you make promises without thinking or pursuing someone you aren’t actually interested in just because you think it might lead to your getting some. But honestly, it doesn’t sound like you’re being boorish, crude or making people uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure that if you’d had some experiences where you blew it or actively drove someone off, then that’s something you would’ve brought up in your letter. Instead, it sounds more like you’re worried that you might be coming across this way. And hey, fair do’s. Being conscious of how you’re coming across to people is an important part of developing your social calibration and cultivating your emotional IQ.

But there’s being conscious, and then there’s letting your jerk-brain run away with you. It sounds to me like your bigger problem are the what-if and fantasy scenarios that are causing you anxiety, rather than anything you’ve actively done. It’s like you said: this is just good old-fashioned approach anxiety piping up and giving you reasons to not talk to people. So my advice to you is the same advice I give to anyone struggling with approach anxiety: don’t give yourself time to be afraid. Give yourself three seconds, then go talk to them. Are you afraid? Ok… go do it anyway. You’ve got nothing to prove and even less to lose. All you’re doing is starting a conversation and seeing where things go.

And if you’re really worried that your terminal horniness is going to get in the way? Then just rub one out before you go out.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I had a conversation recently that had been weighing on my mind a bit. For background, I’m a 29 year old male, overweight and a virgin.

So, I had been out with a friend for their birthday with a bunch of people I only kind of know and, since I can’t drink for medical reasons, I was the DD that night. I ended up taking 4 different people home and the last one was a woman who was pretty sloshed. Because her place was pretty far away from the last one, we were talking while I drove. Things were alright until the subject of sex came up. It was a little odd when she was talking about herself and some of the things she had done, but I can handle that. Then she started asking about me.

I figured “I’m a virgin” would stop that cold, but since it was, in her words, “incredibly obvious,” she started asking about other things. Stuff like kinks, what kind of porn I might watch and stuff like that. Then she asks the worst question she possibly could. “How big are you?” After trying to deflect for a bit I eventually gave in and told her that it’s about 4 inches. It took her a few seconds to realize that I didn’t mean a soft 4. At first she thought I was joking but after a few seconds she stopped laughing and realized I was serious.

Maybe if she was sober she would have just stopped there, but being drunk made her a bit of a rambler. To paraphrase, she basically said that with my stomach area being a large as it is and me being so small down there, the likelihood of anything really satisfying happening, for either me or anyone I was with, would be about zero. After a few minutes of this I finally get her home and we part ways. She apologized for being embarrassing and awkward, but I told her not to worry about it. After all, everything she had said was true and if I’m bothered by the truth, then I the one that’s in the wrong, not her.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this off and on for a bit and was wondering if it was possible to be unable to have sex at all due to these compounding size issues. I tried to do a little research on the matter, but there isn’t a whole lot out there regarding my specific issue that I could find. Most thinks I could find dealt with other physical issues, like heart conditions, high blood pressure and similar things. I was wondering if you had any advice or sources that might give me more information.

Small Soldier

DEAR SMALL SOLDIER: Your “friend” is an a

hole, SS, and she’s full of s

t besides.

First of all: fat people have sex. Fat men, fat women and enbies have sex all the time. Big butts, big bellies, thunder thighs… none of these are keeping folks from getting busy. The idea that your gut is going to get in the way like some sort of demented rocking horse is the stuff of really offensive comedies, not reality. And honestly, even if it were the case that your stomach made it impossible for you to achieve penetration in, say, missionary, well you could always lay on your back and let some lucky lady ride you like a pony.

(And that’s just talking about penetration. There’s still all kinds of sex to be had that’s not PiV, my dude.)

Second of all: this woman has no idea what she was talking about. Your junk may be on the smaller side of the bell-curve, but not by much. The average penis size is around 5.5 inches, erect. Meanwhile, the average vagina is approximately 3.7 inches in depth, expanding slightly during arousal. So you’re not exactly going to be having problems filling things out. It’s also worth noting that just as penises come in various sizes and widths, so too do vaginas; there are women who are smaller than average and women who are larger than average too. There are plenty of women out there for whom you’d be a perfect fit.

That is, of course, assuming you’re measuring it correctly. Most men don’t. If you’re going to measure things then you need to measure from the top, starting at the tip and then pressing the ruler back until you hit the pubic bone, not just where your stomach starts.

But as cliche as it is to say, penis size matters mostly to men, not to women. First, as a general rule, girth is more important than length for the psychological satisfaction of a feeling of fullness that some women prefer. More importantly though is that 85% of women are satisfied with their partner’s penis size, which runs the gamut from the field mouse to the elephant.

This isn’t surprising because penis size doesn’t do a nearly as much for actual pleasure as guys tend to think. The vast majority of women don’t climax from penetration alone; most women require direct stimulation to the clitoral glans in order to orgasm, which penetrative sex doesn’t accomplish. So even if you made Ron Jeremy look like he was packing a gerkin by comparison, you’re not actually hitting the love button the way most women require.

And to be perfectly blunt: dudes who’re hung like horses tend to be lousy lovers. Most of them tend to assume that since they showed up with a giant dong, the job was done and all they do is just pound away like a monotonous fleshy jackhammer. That’s a lousy way to make women feel good, even if she’s a size-queen.

You know what does make a good lover though? Someone who gets that there’s more to sex than “tab a into slot b, repeat”. Almost all women will get off with a combination of oral and manual stimulation and deep kissing… even if your junk never comes near hers. So no matter how big your junk is (or isn’t), your tongue and hands will be more than big enough to give her the oompf that she’s craving. And if she wants that feeling of being stuffed full? Well, that’s when you start getting comfortable with incorporating toys into sex. Don’t let the fact that you’re using a vibrator or a dildo throw you off. The toy isn’t doing the job any more than the hammer is building the house; it’s the hand that wields it that’s bringing her over the falls.

And if what she’s looking for is to feel you filling her up? Well, not only are there things like strap-ons for folks with penises, but there’re also penile sheaths for folks who want to fuck like an over-endowed porn star on occasion. Plus, there’re positions that’ll help get deeper penetration, especially downward-facing rear-entry or going side-saddle.

So, in short: you’re worrying over nothing, SS.  Now, if you want a little (purely psychological) reassurance, you could work on losing some weight; the fat pad between the penis and the pubic bone can cause things to look shorter than it actually is, so losing weight will make you seem bigger. But honestly, tongues, hands, a can-do attitude and a willingness to take some direction are going to make you a far better lover than having a wang so big it makes you pass out every time you get hard.

Plus, one often overlooked benefit of being slightly smaller than average?

It makes oral sex way easier for women.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem that basically boils down to “unfortunately this guy I’m seeing hasn’t found your books and columns yet,” but of course the situation is a little more nuanced than that.

I’m in my late 30’s and have been in several medium to long term relationships. I’ve mostly met men online for the past several years, because I like the convenience and lack of ambiguity that you get from a dating site. Finding dates is not a problem, but after spending a long time playing the field and getting to know what really works for me in a relationship, for the past couple of years I’ve been trying to focus on finding someone awesome to build a life with. I’ve got a great career and friends, own my home, have hobbies and interests– I’ve spent a lot of time reading advice from columnists like you, Captain Awkward, Dear Sugar, and Ask Polly, and all of that has helped me become the kind of person I’d like to date! I’m always a work in progress, but I like who I’ve become. I’ve struggled to find that kind of “whole package” in a guy, especially one who wants to commit.

Now I’ve met someone who has tons of potential. He’s got a cool career in a field adjacent to mine (so we already have a lot in common), he’s not 100% my type physically (I like tattoos and glasses, he’s more of a polo shirt and khakis fella) but I do find him attractive and we have good chemistry. He’s liberal and nerdy and doesn’t want kids, just like me. He’s tall and kind and great to cuddle, and he smells fantastic. But there’s just something missing and I don’t know how to really articulate it, let alone find it.

We’ve only been seeing each other for about a month but he’s definitely talking about a future and I can tell he’s very into me. One of the nice things that came from my years of dating around is that I’m pretty good at telling the difference between a guy who’s trying to be a player (or whatever the kids are calling it these days) and a guy who’s very sincere. This guy is sincere af and wants to settle down. And I don’t want to hurt him or waste his time by stringing him along if I’m not going to be able to go all in; I think he deserves better than that.

So what’s making me hesitate? There’s some kind of initiative or assertiveness or joie de vivre that’s missing, and I don’t know how to put my finger on it. Like, he feels like he’s overweight, but he doesn’t work out. He has a dog that’s completely untrained, to the point where she bit me the first time I met her and taking her out in public is iffy, but he hasn’t taken her to obedience classes or tried to train her. He seems content to do whatever I suggest, but he doesn’t take the initiative to come up with cool date ideas. He doesn’t show any particular enthusiasm for… like, anything, to be honest. He’s not NEGATIVE, and he clearly has likes and dislikes, but he just seems sort of placid and meh about things, even things he’s into. He’s smart and not humorless, but I wouldn’t call him witty or sharp, and nothing makes my heart sing like quick banter and bad puns. The sex is nice, but he doesn’t seem lusty, if that makes sense. There’s no edge to him, I guess. And I’m at the point where I know that an edge is definitely not enough to sustain a relationship, but the total lack of it will eventually drive me nuts.

I know, after all this time out there dating, that the guys who grab my heart are the ones who are confident and engaged with the world and enthusiastic, and I know I’m not unique in that. A lot of the self-improvement things you suggest for guys would be great in helping this dude become someone I’d want to be with for the long haul, but I know what a terrible idea it is to date someone with the intention of trying to change them. He has so much potential, though! I know I’ve said that twice now, but it’s true. And I know he would be really sad if I broke things off, but telling him how I feel seems cruel. Is there some kind of script you can suggest for helping him find that vitality that would make me want to become more invested? Should I just leave him alone so he can find a nice girl who will like him the way he is? It seems like such a waste to walk away from a guy I genuinely like who is so close to what I want and who’s so into me, but I know from experience that you can’t change someone. They have to want to change. And maybe he doesn’t! If he was a house, he’d be a fixer-upper and I’d be happy to put in the time. But houses don’t have feelings and people do.

I’m at a loss here. Any words of wisdom?

–This is a Relationship, Not HGTV

DEAR THIS IS A RELATIONSHIP, NOT HGTV:There’s a surprisingly common genre of questions to advice columns, especially columnists who handle dating questions: the “our relationship is perfect BUT” question. It follows the same pattern every single time: the letter writer goes on for at least a paragraph about how happy they are, how great their partner is and how much they appreciate everything about their relationship… and then comes the “but”. And somebody needs to call Sir Mixx-A-Lot because it’s almost always one huge but – one that inevitably nullifies everything that just came before. Sometimes it’s a case of a massive how-the-hell-have-you-ignored-this deal-breaker. Other times, it’s a case of the relationship missing some intensely important component. Like an engine missing a critical screw or nut, the relationship may be able to chug along for a while… but at some point, the whole thing is going to come apart, messily and all over the place.

Such is the case here, TRNHGTV. You’ve got a great guy who hits enough of your must-haves that you’re willing to consider him for long-term potential.

BUT.

In this case, it’s that while he’s got a lot going for him he’s missing not just his edge, but his drive. It’s great that he has so much potential but frankly, potential is worthless without motivation. Anyone can have potential, but if they don’t have the drive to actually turn “potential” into “actual”, then there’s no fundamental difference from someone who doesn’t have it. And this guy? He doesn’t seem to have that ambition to do much more than to coast along doing the bare minimum for anything. He certainly doesn’t seem to want anything more than that. And to be perfectly frank, that’s going to bite him in the ass, sooner rather than later. I mean, if he can’t be bothered to train and socialize his dog so that she won’t bite strangers and can actually be taken out in public? That’s a dude who’s running the risk of losing his goddamn dog.

And – as you rightly observe – this is something that’s going to push you away too.

The problem here is that you can’t really compare a fixer-upper to a person. Houses are inherently passive; they have no animus or agency. People, on the other hand, do. You don’t need a house to be an equal partner in trying to fix it; it just needs to not fall apart in the process. The same isn’t true about people. If a person doesn’t want to change, then you can’t make them. You can cajole, encourage, suggest or even pressure them into doing things differently, but you can’t just inject life into somebody. Not unless he already wants to change. You’re not the one who would need to write in to me (or Captain Awkward or Prudie or Sugar or…), he is.

And frankly, you’re not here to reinvent some sad mediocre dude until he’s ready to live life to the fullest and chase his dreams. You’re not his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and you neither have the capacity or responsibility to shock him out of his rut. Trying to do so is going to make you miserable and likely make him resentful.

You can certainly suggest that he do things differently. You could ask him to take more of an initiative with dates and he very well might. But that isn’t going to make him suddenly develop a sense of ambition or move him to put in more effort than the least he can get away with. The truth is that until this dude is ready to get up and do things on his own, he will only go as far and as fast as you push him. As soon as you stop pushing, he’s almost certainly going to settle back into his old patterns.

Now it’s certainly possible that what he needs is a shock to the system. It could be that realizing that he’s about to lose you is enough to spark his internal drive to life, motivating him to give more of a damn about anything. But at the same time, changes made in order to forestal a break-up don’t always last. As much as some folks need that metaphorical slap to the face to change their ways, some folks will return to their default state after the threat to the relationship is over.

Will that work in this case? I have no idea. But the truth is: you’re only a month into this relationship and you’re already painfully aware of how this is going to end. That’s a pretty bad sign.

As the saying goes, you need to put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help somebody else with theirs. You need to take care of yourself and staying with this guy in hopes that he’ll suddenly wake up with a new personality is the opposite of that. You can even tell him to reach out to you if and when he decides to put that potential to use. But for you? It’s time to let him find someone who’s right for him and – importantly – someone who’s right for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have some social anxiety. When it comes to talking to people or people approaching and talking to me I’m totally fine, I can check that box off. But I find whenever I want to meet new people and approach them I just become this quiet person, and that’s something I hate because I really do enjoy being talkative and meeting new people but I don’t know. I guess it’s just some sort of approach anxiety.

Like here’s a great example of this; so I was at this video game/anime convention on the weekend. I was hoping that I would have the courage to go up to a few people and be like “hey, what’s up?” or “why ya here at the convention?”, that kind of stuff which is fairly simple. But when I got there and realized that I didn’t know anyone I kind of just shut down almost and felt out of place. Granted people are walking around so they probably don’t want to be randomly stopped (unless they’re in cosplay and I wanted a picture, which I didn’t). And still shut down even if I’m around people and we’re all looking at the same thing (like an artist painting or something). I eventually ran into a few friends that I have and they introduced me to a few of their friends and I had a much better time and was able to socialize with these mutual friends.

But basically I want to meet new people but I just have anxieties on how to start and not come off as a burden. I hate being so god damn quiet all the time and want to be more outgoing. Anyway hope to hear from you! Thanks!

– Ice Man

DEAR ICE MAN: You have half the answer already, my dude. Start by looking for what are known as “warm approaches” – people you already have social connections to. It’s much easier to approach people when you know that you all have those connections in common – whether it’s friends, classes, school or what-have you. And if you’re worried about making the first move, having friends introduce you is a great way to get things started. In fact, this is something I suggest to people who want to get better at navigating parties: ask the host to introduce you to some folks to get the ball rolling.

But you’re not always going to be in a place where you have folks you already know who can make the first move. Sometimes you’re gonna have to go in cold. In those cases, what I suggest is that you focus on finding events that are specifically designed for bringing folks together instead of cold-approaching people who’re trying to get from point A to point B. A lot of cons, for example, have mixers, meet-ups and other social events. These are prime occasions to get to know folks, events where the whole point is to talk to people. Some will even have games or activities designed to get even the shyest and most retiring of folks out of their shells and talking. And even if you can’t bring yourself to make the first move, it’s totally acceptable to listen for a little while at first before joining in. Listening is as valid a way of being part of a conversation as trying to get your two cents in – and is often more valuable to the folks around you.

However, you can start conversations pretty much at any time. One of the easiest ways is to simply make an observation out loud. If you’re in line at Starbucks, for example, you can make an observation – “I’m pretty sure that guy just set a record for ‘how specific he likes his coffee'” – and wait for folks to respond. Or you could ask a low-investment question about something around you: “Hey, I don’t recognize that character in the Critical Role pin-up; do you know who that is?” “Hey, do you know how to do $SPECIFIC_THING in this game?” and let the conversation go from there.

The thing to remember is that starting a conversation isn’t as high-stakes as it may feel in the moment, nor is it something you need to put a lot of thought into. It’s as much a habit as it is anything else; the more you get used to talking with folks you don’t know, the more ingrained and natural it’ll be for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been seeing/dating someone for over four months now, and everything was great. He was always so sweet, and we had so many common interests that we just talked for seven hours on our second date. I found myself falling for him, but then two weeks ago, my friends sat me down and basically dropped a bomb on my happy bubble. My one friend had been scrolling through Bumble when she saw my SO’s account. She created a fake account and matched with him, and they ended up chatting and setting up a date. I read through those messages, saw the flirty emojis, and then saw that he suggested they meet for coffee at the same place he suggested we go on our first date. It was also on a Sunday at 2pm. This is what really knocked the air out of me. I didn’t know how to process or deal with it all. My friends ended up going to the coffee date and essentially telling my SO that they had told me, and he seemed terrified. Later that evening, he texted me saying that he thought we were on the same page with our “friendship” and that he really likes me and values our “friendship”. The fact that he used that word twice for emphasis was so painful.

In the first couple months of dating, I kept trying to bring up our relationship so that I could have some peace of mind. He kept avoiding the conversation though. I knew he was a bit wary of labels and commitment, so I thought that maybe that was it. I reasoned that he showed his care through actions and that I didn’t need a label to be happy with him. That was a mistake.

Two days after the coffee meet up, he came over to my apartment to talk. For four months he hid the fact that he doesn’t like monogamous relationships and that he is essentially poly. He confessed to hiding it from me because he didn’t want me to tell him to “take a hike”. He said that he was working up to talking to me about it, and that if I left then, he would at least have gotten to spend time with me. Is it wrong for me to find that incredibly selfish?

I don’t doubt that he cares for me, and I don’t doubt the chemistry that we have, but I’m starting to doubt that he cares enough to consider my feelings. I was faced with the ultimatum of breaking things off or officially entering an open relationship with him. For an entire week I could barely get out of bed or eat. My dreams were filled with heartache and more conflict. I couldn’t focus on anything, which was especially bad because it was finals week.

I eventually made the tentative decision to try the open relationship with him. I knew that I would not be able to see anyone else though. That’s just not the way I am. I invest myself fully into my relationships, and I love to love and be loved. My previous relationship was extremely toxic and abusive, so I still carry many insecurities and warped perceptions about relationships. I expressed this concern to my SO, and he basically said that jealousy was childish and that I had no reason to be insecure. He kept dropping comments about how there was stigma against his lifestyle, making me feel like I couldn’t express my concerns or feelings in fear of offending him.

I really truly don’t know what to do. Well, I do. I know I need to break things off. That is the best option for my mental health and soul, but perhaps I am too nearsighted because I can’t bear the thought of cutting him out of my life. At the same time, I am in a perpetual state of anxiety and heartache. I am hyper aware that I am always initiating contact, so I try to hold off for several days. The silence just makes things worse.

My mind is a jumbled mess, and my emotions aren’t even distinguishable anymore. Please, I am so desperate for advice and help. I feel like this is crushing me.

Closed Door

DEAR CLOSED DOOR: Oof.

So this is an ugly one.  See, normally, one of the things I always tell people is that until the two of you have the exclusivity talk, then you have to work under the assumption that you’re not exclusive and there’s the possibility that your boo is seeing other people too. But that only applies when you and your sweetie are, in fact, dealing with each other honestly and in good faith.

That ain’t happening here.

I’m gonna level with you, CD: your boyfriend screwed up pretty badly. I don’t know if he was playing the label games because he was trying to surf the ambiguity wave, where you’re both in and not in an exclusive relationship at the same time, because he didn’t want to commit to you, specifically or if he just wanted to wait to spring the “open relationship” news on you until it was fait accompli or what.

And honestly, going by the way he kept dodging the question about labels and kept saying “friendship”, it sounds like he was trying avoid ever admitting there was an expectation of commitment at all.

If he’s being honest with you about being open and polyamorous – and that’s a mighty big goddamn “if” right now – then hoooooly crap he went about this in the worst possible way he could manage. As a general rule, I don’t think you need to lay all of your cards out on the table immediately. Relationships after all, aren’t depositions or testifying under oath before Congress. I also think it’s acceptable to roll things out slowly, especially if it’s an incredibly polarizing or stigmatizing issue; this gives someone the chance to get to know you as an individual instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to whatever that issue may be. But I’m also a believer that potential partners have a right to informed consent and the bigger the potential deal-breaker something may be, the sooner you need to disclose it and non-monogamy is a pretty goddamn big potential dealbreaker.  While that may not necessarily be first or third date material, it is something that should come up pretty early on. NOT four months into the relationship and CERTAINLY not after playing plausible non-denials about your relationship status.

Under other circumstances, I’d say that yes, if the person you like is poly or ethically non-monogamous, then accepting openness is a price of entry for a relationship. If that’s not something you are into or something that you can handle, then no matter how much you may dig the guy, the best thing for you and him is to break up. Trying to force that proverbial square peg into a round hole is just going to make the both of you miserable. Better to take the short term pain of a break-up so the two of you can find people you are compatible with, instead of the long-term pain of trying to make two incompatible relationship styles work.

But the key word there is “ethical”. This guy ain’t being ethical. He knew this was going to be a deal-breaker for you so he decided to hide it from you until it was too late. He wanted to keep banging you – a non-poly person – and bang other people too, knowing that you were going to kick his ass to the curb. So he played games. He may have avoided lying on a technicality, but he sure as hell was working to deceive you about a major issue. That, frankly, is a relationship extinction-level event.

I get that you care for him and that he means a lot to you, but the truth of the matter is that the dude did you dirty. He let you believe that you two were exclusive and tried to get around having to actually discuss your relationship status so that he could have his cake and sleep with it too. Now he’s dismissing your very real, very legitimate concerns, he’s pressuring you to not express how you feel and he’s and pushing you to agree to something that you don’t want.No matter how much you may care about him, this sort of crap is an indicator of what kind of guy he is and how much respect he actually has for you.

Which is to say: absolutely goddamn none.

(Seriously, “jealousy is childish”? F*ck right the hell off with that. I can guarantee you that if you were dating someone else too, his jealousy would suddenly be VERY important.)

You may love him. I get that. But his behavior has made it clear that he is absolutely NOT deserving of your love, your time or another second of your emotional bandwidth. It will suck for you right now to break up with him. But I am here from the future to promise you: it will hurt less and heal faster to do this now, then to try to force yourself into a relationship that DOES NOT work for you, with someone who treats you with disrespect and who doesn’t give a damn about your valid feelings.

You deserve better than this, CD, and he doesn’t deserve you.

Dump the dude. You will be much, much happier.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a simple question: how do I break the cycle of jealousy about my partners past?

I am very clear in my mind that everyone has a past, it’s absolutely fine and in no way reflective of the people we are today.  Still, the dark corner of my brain compares her happiness and passion to people who were only on her life for mere months, not the years I am. 

Need help to break the habit of letting it fester! I want to get past it quicker!

Retroactively Jealous

DEAR RETROACTIVELY JEALOUS: Dude, you said it yourself. She’s with you now. She’s been with you for years. You have to be willing to take “yes” for an answer and accept that she’s with you because she wants to be with you, specifically. Those other people she dated are her past. They are what brought her to where she is now… with you. You’re her present and her future.

You need to stop living in the past and her past specifically. Focus on appreciating and living in the “now”, because you have to admit: the now, with her, can be pretty damn awesome.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)