DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I think I’m boring. Whenever I’m talking to people there are these long silences, which I personally don’t mind (I’m happy just to be around other people) but I don’t think other people feel the same. They will often try to fill these silences by showing me memes on their phone or giving me some music to listen to, which I’m usually just not that interested in. I’m more interested in talking and just enjoying the other person’s company.

In fact, I’m just not interested in most things people want me to be interested in. Get me started on anime, writing, or computers and I probably annoy people with how much I’m talking, but it seems like most people just aren’t into that. They’re all about youtube, memes, the latest movie, music, or something else that I just don’t find that interesting.

People never invite me out, either. They never text me first, even if it’s just to tell me about something funny that happened. And always being the one to text first makes me feel like they’re not interested. I want people to put a little effort into being my friend, but no-one does. It seems like I always have to do all the work and it makes me feel really unwanted, to the point that I usually just give up on being their friend. I even deleted a few people’s numbers and haven’t heard a thing from them since.

That’s not to say people have never invited me out. They have. Usually it’s once or twice, though, before they decide I’m boring and never invite me out again. Next thing I know I’m hearing about these parties(often times on snapchat or from coworkers) and I know people are hanging out, but I just never get invited.

Most of my interests are, admittedly, solitary ones. I enjoy writing, watching anime, and I’ve recently gotten into programming. I play video games too, but lately that’s kind of rare; I’m simply too busy with school, work, and learning how to program. I’ve tried to meet people at school and work, but that’s where my boring personality screws me over.

I’ve even considered the possibility that I might be autistic, because I just seem to legitimately struggle with relationships and some other symptoms have struck home as well. But I don’t have money to see a therapist, so that isn’t an option right now.

I really want to make friends, though, even if I need to change something about myself. Is there anything I can do? Please help me if you can.

– Fortress of Solitude

DEAR FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: First things first, FOS: I can guarantee you that there are people who want to talk about anime, coding and writing. Twitter and Reddit are full of them. If you go there, you’ll find more people willing to talk about Python or C or javascript or Darling in the Franxx or My Hero Academia than you know what to do with. But – I hear you say – you want to meet people in person. Fair enough, but that’s exactly my point: if you want to talk to people who share your interests, first you have to go to where those people gather. Classes, workshops, anime clubs, coworking spaces, Meet Ups… these are all places where folks are going to self-select for the interests you happen to share.

But let’s say that you’re taking the shotgun approach and just putting yourself out there. What then?

Well to start with: silences happen. Even among the closest of friends and happiest of couples, there’re going to be lulls in the conversation. Part of working on one’s emotional intelligence is to learn the differences between a “this is awkward and I really don’t want to talk to you” kind of silence and companionable “we don’t really need to say anything at the moment” silences. Learning how to be comfortable with silence and to tell the two apart is a skill, and one worth developing as soon as you can. If you do hit an uncomfortable lull, pivot off the subject and onto another one. Doesn’t matter if the topic is related or not; just throw in a transition phrase like “hey, check this out” or “You know, that reminds me,” and bring up another question.

However, when you’re just getting to know people, there’s a very easy way to ensure that not only will you not have an awkward silence, but to also not be boring: learn to ask questions. One of the oldest and most important things to keep in mind is that interested is interesting. We all value people who want to know what we think, even on the most banal of topics. People who ask us for our thoughts are validating us and making us feel valued. That, in turn, makes us want to spend more time with them – it’s the Reward Theory of Attraction in action.

So rather than worrying that you need to fill up the empty air, focus on the person you’re talking to. Make a point of trying to connect with them and get to know them by being an active listener. Ask them a question about themselves, rephrase what they said and respond to it. “Oh you’re interested in video games? I’ve been hearing talk about a new Xbox console, what do you think about that?” Use their answers as a springboard for your next question. Just make sure you’re asking open-ended questions, not ones that can be answered with a binary. If they can answer your question with one or two words, you’re asking the wrong questions. Just make sure you’re not going into interviewer mode – intersperse those questions with occasional statements. Make your own observations, find something relevant to say about them or just transition off the subject to a new one.

It’s also good to at least try to understand other people’s interests, even if you don’t share them. That way, you can at least ask intelligent questions and let others take the lead while still feeling valued.

As to always being the initiator… well, the fact of the matter is, sometimes that’s just going to be the way of things. Initiating conversations or being the inviter versus the invited really isn’t a measure of the quality of your friendship. Some people may not be comfortable initiating or feel like they’re at a place where they can just invite you or strike up a conversation. Others may just not be the initiating type. The best thing you can do is simply be the kind of friend you want to have. Sometimes you have to model the behavior you want in a relationship before people will respond in kind.

Being able to make small-talk and connect with people’s a skill that takes practice. Spend some time making low-investment connections and getting used to the give-and-take flow of a conversation.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently met this girl at my job and asked her for her number which she gave to me. At first I was a bit slippy on the situation as it took her an entire day to respond back to me. So she asked me if I “smoked” and i agreed(she was cute I couldn’t refuse) so we set up a day for us to smoke. She flaked on me the first time and rearranged meeting up for next day. So she came to my house and rolled up, I foolishly having a few beers.

So we hit it off well, she was laughing at all my jokes, letting me touch her and she said she was shocked I asked her about her family as none ever asked about that before. We were talking while I had my hand around her on my couch for a few hours. I was hesitant to make move an actual move because I just met this girl and didn’t want to be too forward.

When it came time and she makes her way to leave to go get some food (we were eating some chips at my place together but I guess that wasn’t enough) and I’m completely wasted at this point and rush to make a move telling her “You don’t have to leave” and as she tries to leave out the door I try to kiss her but she pulls away and says something about us being homeboys (she was a bit hoodish) or maybe something about me being too drunk I cannot remember. I may have yelled at her too……I was wasted

So I asked by bud about it and he told me to wait 3 days before contacting her again. So I waited 3 days and texted whats up and what she was doing upcoming week. She never responded and it has been 2 days now.

Everyone I ask says its pretty much game over, but I really liked this girl and wanted to know is there a possible hope to fix this?

Thanks.

Wasted Youth

DEAR WASTED YOUTH: So here’s what happened from her end of things, WY: she liked you well enough to give you her number and felt safe enough to come to your place to smoke up. For a while, things were going pretty well… but then she got up to leave and you kind of freaked out on her. First you got completely wasted – always a bad move on a first date – and then you lunged at her and tried to keep her from leaving. That probably freaked her out a little. And then when she tried to give you a soft no, you may or may not have yelled at her.

That pretty much sunk you right then and there. That’s like holding up a sign that tells someone that you’re a collection of red flags in a trenchcoat, not a guy she’s going to want to spend more time with. That is not the behavior of someone who women will feel safe hanging out with, whether she thinks you’re just friends or if there’s possibly something more.

But you might – and I stress might – have been able to pull this back if you had texted her and apologized as soon as you sobered up. Saying “Hey, I made a stupid mistake, got a little more wasted than I expected an acted like a creeper. I’m really sorry about how I behaved, especially if I made you feel uncomfortable. If you ever want to talk again, I promise that I’ll be on my best behavior,”  might have been enough for her to reconsider.

However, you waited three days – strike four, if you’re paying attention – and then didn’t even acknowledge that you kind of screwed things up. All that told her is that you don’t see that you did anything wrong. Not in the sense of “these are not best practices for when you get a girl home” but in the sense of “you acted like a creeper”.

So, sorry. I don’t think you’re going to hear from her again. You blew this one. Now the best thing you can do is learn from this:

A) Don’t get wasted – whether on booze or weed – when you’re on a date. No matter how in control you may think you are, your judgement and ability to read signals goes out the window. Trust me on this: I have been there, done that and learned my lessons.

B) If you screw up, apologize. A sincere apology, not a mealy-mouthed, passive-voiced “mistakes were made,” apology and be willing to show you’re sorry by being on your best behavior afterwards so that you can rebuild that trust… if she feels like giving you that chance.

C) You apologize as soon as you realize you’ve done something wrong, not 3 days afterwards.

C.1) Even under the best of circumstances, the whole “wait three days” rule is BS. But that’s a different story.

You messed up this time. Own these mistakes, learn from them and don’t make them the next time you’re out with someone.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Discovered your column and YouTube channel a couple weeks back and decided to write to you for advice about a pretty hairy situation I’ve found myself in.

Some background, I’m a single man in his late thirties who has been living in Louisiana for most of his life. Due a childhood where I suffered abuse at the hands of a stepparent, I have found it difficult to socialize, have difficulty talking about my emotions and have suffered from severe mental problems. Needless to say, my attempts at any form of romantic relationship have ranged from “went nowhere” to “complete disaster” and I’ve generally not sought anything of the kind for a number of years. Further compounding things is that I live in a very economically run down part of the state and therefore have difficulty finding steady work, am frequently broke and need to rely on my family for financial assistance. I have suffered frequently from depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts as a result of this. Things got particularly bad for me in 2015. Lack of response on job inquiries for several months, growing alienation from my conservative family, and just feeling lonely and like I had no future, that sort of thing. I was suffering panic attacks, losing sleep and was emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt like I couldn’t hold out much longer.

Then some woman-hating a

hole shot up a movie theater in Lafayette and that’s where a friend of mine comes in. Let’s call her H. I had met her years before through a forum dedicated to B-movies and weird cinema. I found her to be an incredibly kind, funny and intelligent person and was delighted that she had similar interests to mine. Though it was a while before the two of us met off-line, we became fairly good friends through social media and chatting and now get together face-to-face whenever we can. A few years back, things had gotten to a point where I wanted to see if H was interested in being more than friends but a bad experience with admitting romantic interest to a friend in the past left me hesitant to do anything. When it came to light that H had hooked up with another member of our circle of friends — let’s call him D — I figured “Oh well, out of luck again” and I thought that was the end of that. We were still good friends, after all.

Fast forward to 2015, H was going through a bad time as well. Her father, who she was very close to, passed away, leaving her an emotional wreck. She was depressed all the time, her relationship with D was becoming strained, and felt as though everything was falling apart for her. Well, when she heard that there was a mass shooting in my neck of the woods and she couldn’t reach me all day (I was at my sister’s, babysitting my niece, and phone reception and internet service there was spotty) she began to worry that something had happened to me. When I finally got online that night, I found a message from her that read: “I really need to know that you’re okay.”

Getting that message shook me up. Here I was, thinking myself to be a burden on everyone and thinking maybe it would be for the best if I was just…gone…and here’s this person who lives halfway across the country, going through all that she was going through, worrying about me. It was a reminder that somebody gave a damn if I died and suddenly I found that I couldn’t go through with committing suicide. Those thoughts didn’t just magically go away, mind, but when they came, all I could think about was H, all the things she was dealing with and this little voice would tell me, “you do this and it will kill her.”

In the months that followed, as H and I did whatever we could to support each and help one another through what we were going through, I realized I was very much in love with her. And realizing this left me a little scared because you see, H and D moved in together back around 2010, have stayed together since, and despite some problems, anybody can see that the two of them are still very much in love with each other. Now, I’m not as close to D as I am H, but he’s been good to me for as long as I’ve known him and he recognizes that mine and H friendship is important to her. I really like the guy.

And so, I have never told H how she stopped me from killing myself, beyond some vague statements about “helping me through a rough patch.” I worried that if I told her about it, it would lead to her finding out about how I feel about her and I just did not want to dump that sort of drama on the two of them. (I figure if H finds out, D going to find out.) I didn’t want her to feel “girlfriend zoned,” y’know? I thought that if I kept quiet that maybe these feelings for her would just die down and fade away with time, and for brief moment it looked like they did, during a period where financial problems kept me from traveling for a while. Then I had finally gotten to where I could afford going to meet up with everybody at a B-movie film festival earlier this year and there she was. After being around her, seeing how happy she was to see me again and the great time we had, those feelings didn’t so much as come creeping back as they kicked down my front door and mugged me. I’ve been miserable ever since I got back from this trip.

Well, over the past couple of months, I’ve come around to the idea that telling H may be the only way to get over her. It took a ton of effort to come to this but I’ve attempted to write to her, explaining everything. (Figured she deserves something more personal than an e-mail but I’m worried I might lose my nerve if I tried face-to-face or over the phone.) Unfortunately, attempts to write this have felt like open heart surgery being performed without anesthetic. I’m scared of how my friendship with H and D will change once they find out, I’m scared of how this may affect our group of mutual friends, and I’ll admit, I’m terrified of how much letting go of her is going to hurt. So it seems that every time I make some progress on this, just when I think that I trust the two of them enough to believe they will be understanding and sympathetic, the doubts come roaring in. They tell me what an awful idea this is, how I shouldn’t be putting H and D in this position, that they’ll resent me for doing so, you’re going to make a fool of yourself etc., etc. Several times I’ve come close to taking everything I’ve written, tearing it up and keeping my damn mouth shut.

I’ve sought advice from friends outside of our mutuals and its ranged from saying that I should just tell her how grateful I am she helped me in the past but that telling her I’m in love with her would just cause things to go south to a friend who had been in a similar situation telling me that I should tell them everything for the sake of my mental and emotional well-being. I guessed that maybe I need some help on how to go through with this one more time before I finally finish it and that’s where you come in, as I figured it wouldn’t hurt to get it from a professional and impartial outsider. So here’s my question, Doc: am I doing the right thing by telling her and if so, how would you advise I go about doing so and maybe some idea on how to deal with any possible fallout from this, good or bad?

Sincerely,

Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t

DEAR DAMNED IF I DO, DAMNED IF I DON’T: The question of “do I tell my crush about how I feel” comes up a lot around here. I’m not surprised; it’s a popular topic and one that captures the imagination easily. It’s hard to think of any TV show, series of novels or comics involving relationships that doesn’t have someone agonizing over whether to tell somebody else how they feel. It’s prime fodder for romcom drama and we all love to think that confession is good for the soul.

But here’s what I ask everyone who asks me if they should confess their feelings: what, exactly, do you expect the object of your affections to do with this knowledge?

See, that’s the part people have almost never thought through with any seriousness. Folks tend to focus on the act of confessing – should they, shouldn’t they? – and not so much on the response and the aftermath. If they have thought about what they want out of this, then it’s usually for the person they’re in love with or crushing on to be so moved by their confession that they reveal their own feelings in return. I mean, that’s the romcom formula, isn’t it?

And if you’re on a CW show… well, maybe that’ll work for you. But in reality, it rarely works like that. As appealing as it is to think that the depth and breadth of our feeling is enough to win somebody over, falling in love isn’t a reciprocal action. We don’t love folks just because they love us SO VERY HARD.

(And to be honest, if we do, then that’s rarely a healthy relationship.)

So I’m asking you: what exactly do you expect H to do with the knowledge that you’re in love with her?

Think about that for a moment while I go a little deeper into this.

Most of the time I tell folks that they shouldn’t “confess” their feelings and sit back; they should be proactive and ask for what they actually want – usually a date. The “I like you” tends to go along with the date. And even if it’s someone trying to leave The Friend Zone, I tend to tell them to come at this from a point of action: “I’m interested in trying to be more than friends and would like to take you on an actual date and see how things go,” rather than just “I have feelings for you.”

(Standard disclaimer: there is no Friend Zone, there are just people who don’t want to date or sleep with you.)

But that’s not what you’re asking. Here, you’re trying to unburden yourself. And to be honest, your case isn’t that unique. I’ve heard from lots of folks who think that confessing their love for somebody will be the first step towards getting over them. And frankly? I have no damn idea why they think that. This isn’t like doing the steps in Alcoholics Anonymous, where the first is to admit your powerless over booze. Confessing your feelings for somebody doesn’t make those feelings disappear. All that’s likely to disappear is the tension, that feeling of having to hold things in and the effort of keeping certain words from escaping the barrier of your teeth. And in fairness, letting go of that tension can feel great, like a knot that suddenly releases.

But it isn’t going to make your feelings go away.

What it will do is put the responsibility for managing your feels on H. Because this isn’t something that you can do in a vacuum. You may be releasing that tension in you, but you’re dropping your feels at her feet like a cat bringing a bird to its owner and expecting her to pick it up. But while a bird can be scooped up and tossed in the trash, the knowledge of how you feel – and the meaning of those feelings – can’t be as easily discarded and forgotten about. She’s now going to have to figure out what to do with this knowledge. Does she try to pretend like you didn’t say anything and just laugh it off? Does she try to talk you down from how you feel? Does she have to reconsider her relationship with you, for fear that she’s leading you on or giving you false hope? Does she tell D about this, or does she keep it from him in order to not stress him out, or avoid getting him involved? Will his knowing of how you feel affect how comfortable he is with H spending time with you? Will he feel like he needs to say something now?

And this is all in addition to your fundamentally asking H to reconsider everything about your relationship together. While you didn’t enter into this friendship in hopes of eventually transitioning it into a romantic relationship, dropping this knowledge on her is going to make her reconsider everything. It’s almost impossible for it not to. And that’s going to stress her out too.

So once again: what do you expect H to do with this knowledge, if you confess? What do you hope will happen? And, if you’re perfectly honest with yourself: do you think that your unburdening yourself like this is worth the potential fallout?

Now I will freely admit that I’m stomping all over your dreams, DIDDID and I’m sorry. I don’t do this because I want to revel in your misery but because I’m trying to spare you from an even bigger hurt in the future. While I can’t say that this would damage or end your friendship with H, it will change it. It can’t notchange things. And I suspect that those changes will hurt you far more. Even if it doesn’t “ruin” things – for suitably personal values of “ruin” – I think that all that you’ll be doing is trading one source of stress for another. Now instead of carrying this secret around, you’ll be left with the fear that you’ve ruined things, whether you have or not. You’ll read volumes into every hesitation, every delay in returning your texts and DMs and every time you don’t see her online. You’ll be reading the tea leaves, looking for evidence that you’ve detonated this bomb and now everything is falling down around you. And even if it’s not there, even if this is just a blip in the friendship and things eventually return to your usual status-quo, you’ll be waiting for that shoe to drop.

I don’t think you should confess how you feel… and honestly, I don’t think you need to. I think what you need to do is recontextualize how you feel. You’re seeing your love for her as a call to action, something that you need to do something about. You love her therefore you must act… somehow. What I suggest you do is simply take it as a state of being, rather than a command. Consider gratitude. Being grateful for something isn’t necessarily a feeling that you need to act on; it’s just a feeling that you have, a state of being. So it can be with love. Love doesn’t mandate action; it can just be something that you feel. And why wouldn’t you feel love and affection for someone who’s been such a positive influence on your life? But the fact that you feel love – not that you are in love but that you feel love – for her doesn’t mean that you need to do something about it. You just feel it. You can enjoy that feeling, you can be grateful for that feeling – just as you’re grateful to her for helping you through this patch of your life. You can let that feeling motivate you to be a good and supportive friend to H and D, and to be the same pillar of support that she has been to you. But you don’t need to be in love with her.

As woo woo as it may sound, that slight change of perspective, that substituting one word for another, can make all the difference. You’re not defining yourself by a command, you’re simply feeling a feeling. And in changing how you look at this, I think you’ll find that life will become much easier. You won’t feel like you have to tell her or that this is the only way to get over her. Instead, you’ll find that your feelings will change on their own. You won’t be as scared of losing her or worried you will have to give things up because that’s not what you’re looking for. She’s important to you, she meaningful and she’s done a lot for you. She is a good, dear friend and you love her. But you won’t be in love and tormented with that limerence. You’ll just feel love. And in feeling love… you’ll finally find peace, too.

And one more thing. I know a lot of folks are going to suggest that you tell her how grateful you are but leave out the L-word parts. And under other circumstances, I’d say that’s a great idea. But in the mindset you’re in right now? I don’t think you’re going to be in a position where you can tell her how grateful you are without accidentally confessing in the process. You won’t intend to, but the emotions of the moment are going to be pretty damn intense and, well… tongues slip, stuff happens and suddenly you realize you’ve said things that you didn’t mean to say.

I think it is good to tell her how grateful you are and what she’s done for you. But I think it should wait until you’re less tormented and less consumed by the idea that you’re in love.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a straight, cisgendered 23 year old woman with strong hetero-romantic inclinations towards men, particularly men of color. I am Dominican-American, meaning, I was U.S. born and am a product of Dominican parents. I grew up in a single parent household where my mother was my caregiver and because of that I never really grew up around me or even knew anything about men until I started dating and befriending them some time around high-school.

To get to the point of my issue: I have only had one very real relationship. It was with a Brazilian guy that I met at my University. We hit it off so well that I went on to meeting his family in Brazil and had a 2 year long relationship. Come to find that he was actually just in it for the visa. I should have seen the red flags coming when our first day doing long distance (me in the States and him in Brazil) he was obsessively trying to calculate how to make his way back to the U.S. by coming up with the craziest conclusions. And before you say it was because he wanted to be with me, once that boy got a student visa to come do his masters in the U.S. that was it for our relationship. A week before his student visa coming in the mail and a month away from flying to the states to be exact. Anyway the details as to why I believed he was interested in me for the visa are long-winded and extremely painful to discuss.

Due to my cultural background I know these type of tricks exist. There is even a Dominican hit called “Pa manga’ mi Visa” which is about a two men who delineate specifics as to how and why he wants to date a “gringa” –to get his visa. Over and over I see this happening. Either an actual business like transaction where both parties involved know it’s a fake relationship with the means of receiving real marriage visas in exchange for money OR the worst one where the other person doesn’t know they are being deceived.

As you can imagine, this experience was really traumatic. As a woman that considers she has daddy issues and has started out life with a very low notion of self worth with an enormous amount of frustration towards myself and constant resurgence of imposter syndrome throughout my academic career –this was a blow to my person. I hit an all time low where I underwent chronic depression and even went through a period of suicidal ideation. Because I gave him everything and loved him unconditionally. Needless to say, he broke my heart.

My first boyfriend was Saudi and all he wanted was to get it in because he clearly couldn’t do that in his hometown without facing some hurdles. He used me for sex and took my virginity.

Present day, I feel pretty healed from that experience and am in the search for new experiences with genuine people. I feel I can speak for all women when I say that it is as though I am constantly hitting a brick wall. Just a few months ago it happened yet again, another Brazilian ( Idk wtf right?). This time it was short lived because I knew to look for the signs. As soon as he said “I have a court case coming up that will determine my status in this country” I knew that that “I love you” one month into the relationship was total love bombing and BS.

Just last week I ended up dating a guy from Venezuela. He has refugee status and is set on that front but due to my past experiences I decided to lie to him by telling him I was born in the DR. But come to find that we had sex 5 times in a row literally a night ago and he already broke the “call the night after having sex rule” where he was texting me every morning for the last week and just right after having sex he completely goes missing. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he just didn’t want to come off as clingy BUT like dude…c’mon. I feel so used right now!!

So at 23 I have reached the conclusion that dating men is hard. Especially when you don’t know much about men. I want to find someone genuine but through my 6 experiences thus far I only get the ones that are horny and only want sex or the kind that want a visa. I know that my easy fix is not dating men that have weird immigration statuses and that I should focus on dating men that already have that documented status secured. But I can’t help but wonder if I am just a means for someone’s ends all the time? Like, I get that people are highly self interested and that being selfish is part of human nature. But I feel like I am a good girl trying to date a good guy. I consider myself tender, humble, open minded, caring and overall really loving. I’m just really pessimistic of the future and what it holds for me. And if maybe I should just remain single. I just find that it is so hard to get caught up in thinking that my self worth is measured by a guy’s attractions towards me and if all life has been handing me thus far is an absent father, a couple visa-seekers, and douchebags that only want sex, it’s hard to believe yourself as someone worthy of love and affection. I just seem to suffer more than most people and get my heart broken too easily. Something that may take someone 1 month to get over literally takes me an entire year. And I don’t want this for myself anymore. I’m done crying and suffering over this and I just want to make peace with myself… I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Free Lunch

DEAR FREE LUNCH: Whenever somebody keeps running into the same problems in their relationships over and over again, one of the most important things they can do is start looking for the common denominator in those relationships and see if that’s the problem. In your case, you have two major commonalities, and they’re about as tangled up as a drawer full of charging cables. The first is that you have dated a number of guys from foreign countries that have cultures with fairly sexist outlooks or cults of machismo. The second is… well, you.

Now that’s not judgement. What this means is that you need to examine just what it is about these types of guys that is so appealing to you and why you fall for them. It could be because they tend to be the aggressive, dominant type and that just makes all the right parts of you tingle. It could be that the relative novelty of their having grown up outside the US makes them stand out from the guys you know from around the way. Alternately, it could be as simple as the fact that it sounds like you’re a people pleaser and caregiver and these guys were happy to take advantage of it.

If it’s the latter, then part of what you need to do is examine just what motivates you to be a giver. A lot of people-pleasers tend to find that their generosity comes from a place of low self-esteem; they don’t feel that they have much value on their own and compensate by doing things for others… even if it comes at the expense of themselves. At the same time, you’re going to find plenty of people out there who’ll gravitate towards people-pleasers, because they tend to have poor boundaries and won’t advocate for themselves as firmly or strongly as someone else might. Mix poor boundaries with a desire to please and love-bombing – showering someone with excessive amounts of compliments, attention and affection out of proportion to the stage of the relationship – and you’ve got somebody who looks like free money and smells like free lunch.

To be perfectly blunt: dating is a numbers game and a

holes are overrepresented in pretty much every population sample you’re like to encounter. You’re going to find plenty of dudes who’re looking to just get to that first lay and vanish and they’ll say or do any old line of s

t to get there. But the good thing is that a

holes are fairly easy to avoid and even easier to chase off if need be.

The first thing you need to do is hone your bulls

t detector. You’ve already started to be more aware of when folks are feeding you a line; love-bombing and overly attentive too early on are pretty good warning signs. So too are the guys who seem to be telling you exactly what you’re hoping to hear. The more perfect they seem, the more skeptical you have a right to be.

But if they seem perfect, wouldn’t you want to avoid chasing them off? Yes and no. See the next thing you need to do is start being willing to date on your terms, not theirs. Developing strong boundaries, having standards that you won’t budge on, makes you that much harder to manipulate. This may mean that you’ll want to hold off sex until you feel like they’re sufficient trust and comfort built up. It may mean that you’ll be less receptive to pleas of hardship or less-giving to people who haven’t necessarily earned your trust yet. It may mean prioritizing your comfort, your schedule and your sense of security over theirs… even if it feels like this may chase them off. Because, honestly? The guys who balk or get upset when they hit a boundary of yours? Those are guys who’re letting you know that they’re the most likely to screw you AND screw you over.

Now finding the strength to tell folks “no”, especially folks you like and want to like you can be hard. Doubly so if you don’t feel like you have much self-worth. But the truth of the matter is that you have far too much value and worth to let douchebags work you over and con you out of it. You have a lot to give a partner – love, generosity of spirit, caring and so on. The last thing you need is someone who isn’t going to appreciate it or you and who is only trying to take advantage of you. So you need to start recognizing that your worth doesn’t come from being in a relationship, nor from pleasing a

holes who wouldn’t do a third as much for you as you would do for them. The last thing you need to do is set yourself on fire just because someone else says they’re chilly.

And don’t forget: “no” is a full sentence. If you feel like establishing a boundary, the fact that you decided to set one is the only rationale you need. Anyone who’s going to try to move it or argue you into letting it down for them is a dude who needs to be kicked to the curb with the quickness.

You’ve done enough to prove your worth to folks who couldn’t give a damn about you. It’s time to let folks prove their worth to you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I started dating in my late 20s – 28 to be exact. I fell in love (or what I believe to be love) with the first person I dated. Our relationship is going great but as it has become more serious and we’ve had conversations about moving in together and even potentially getting married, I’m starting to have a FOMO on casual dating and casual sex. My girlfriend has had those experiences and I find that I am a bit jealous of her getting to do that (I have described as having your cake, casual stuff, and eating it too, falling in love). That’s not really fair to her at all though and I acknowledge that I made my decision – I could have put myself out more in my 20s. But now I fear that I am just latching on to the first thing and am unsure if I’m in love and this desire for casual sex is my mind telling me this may not be right. What do you think / do you have any advice?

First Time For Everything

DEAR FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: Here’s the thing, FTFE: you’re always gonna want to bang other people. That’s not a sign that there’s something wrong with your relationship, that’s a sign that you’re a human with a sex drive. Love doesn’t turn off your libido and committing to a relationship doesn’t mean you no longer find other people attractive. As I often say: monogamy doesn’t mean you won’t WANT to bang other folks, it just means you choose not to. And to be perfectly blunt: any relationship – even ethically non-monogamous ones – mean that you’re closing off potential avenues to different experiences and different partners. You will always be “missing out” – for suitably insignificant values of “missing” – when you date someone.

But here’s what I need you to do right now, FTFE: I need you to be bluntly honest. Not with me, but with yourself. What, exactly, is it about casual sex and casual dating that you feel that you’d be getting that you’re not getting from this relationship? Is it strictly the novelty of seeing other folks naked? Well, I like I said: that’s something that you’re going to end up closing off with any monogamous relationship — and many open ones too. Is it because you feel like you could do better and you worry that you’ve settled for too little? Because any relationship is going to be settling; every relationship means giving up some things that you want because there are no perfect people out there. The key is whether you feel like you have is worth more to you than whatever you may be giving up as the cost of being in that relationship. Or maybe it’s because what you want isn’t the sex per se, but the validation – the feeling that you’re somebody that women would choose to sleep with and thus you’re worth more than others. If that’s the case, then I can tell you now that you will never fill that particular hole. As I’ve said elsewhere, women aren’t Mjolnir and only sleep with the worthy; there’re any number of reasons why women choose to sleep with someone that has absolutely nothing to do with him.

Because honestly dude? I think you’ve got a fantasy version of what casual dating and casual sex is like, and I suspect that if you’d done more dating, you might be more relieved to have found someone awesome. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of casual sex and dating. I’ve done plenty and I encourage people to pursue that if that’s what they enjoy… but throwing over the metaphorical bird in the hand for two that may not even be in the bush is goddamn idiotic.

I think your better option would be to slow your roll with your relationship. I’m willing to bet that part of your panic here is the feeling that this is going to become more than you may want just now. So appreciate what you have, learn all about you and your partner and savor every moment… but don’t rush towards moving in or marriage just yet. Give yourself time to learn about being in a relationship and see where that leads you. Maybe it will lead you down the aisle after all. Or you may find that this isn’t going to be your last relationship and you’ll have your chance to date around after all.

But to quote a wise man: “You know, there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work.” Don’t end a good thing because you want to roll the dice on your idea of casual sex.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)