DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thanks for all the hard work and great articles, lots of great advice which has helped in the past –  your book New Game+ has been a huge benefit to me. My question is a quick one, around how sexual desire changes when you get older.

I’ll hold my hands up and say from the get-go that I myself am very young, only 26! However, I’ve have usually been in relationships with older women (10+ years older than me). Recently, I have been in a wonderful, loving relationship with an older women over the past year or so. However, in my day to day life, I come across lots of other interesting and attractive women, many of whom are young (18-26, I work at a college). Understandably, I find many of them sexually attractive – but I struggle on a somewhat daily basis with feelings of guilt and lust, as I am noticing the age-related differences between the younger girls and my partner more frequently.

Concurrently, I was listening to podcast by Russell Brand recently, and he mentioned how he has gotten to the point of having such a rich spiritual and emotional connection with his wife that he doesn’t feel the need to put another person in between that space anymore. This got me thinking – as you age (50+, 60+, 70+), your lusts for nubile flesh and younger women (or men) must be increasingly harder to fulfill. Instead, you will need to prioritize experiencing the whole emotional and spiritual connection with another person in its entirety (rather than just wanting them for their hot ass!). I am also aware of your other blog post about how society fetishizes younger women of a certain demographic, and we are living in an Instagram and porn-addicted world where our standards of sex are enormously warped.

So, tell me Doc, can you successfully lust after young, nubile partners as you age – will it make you happy, and sexually satisfied? Or should we instead prioritize only valuing the spiritual connection with another person during sex? Or can you have both? 

Benjamin Button

DEAR BENJAMIN BUTTON: Most of the time when someone writes to me with questions about something that’s years – or decades – down the line, the problem is that they’re borrowing unhappiness from the future. A future that, in fact, may never come to pass.

You, on the other hand BB, aren’t borrowing trouble so much as just making crap up to get worried about. Worrying about whether you’re going to be able to be a dirty old man – or, y’know, the male lead in most Hollywood movies – in 40 years isn’t just missing the point, it’s managing to miss the entire planet the point resided on and sending things out past the Van Allen Belt.

So let’s break this down a little, shall we?

First, you’re assuming a whole lot of facts not in evidence – starting with the question of whether you’re even going to be into the same type of women as you get older. As easy as it is to think that you’re gonna want nothing but jailbait and women in their early 20s, you may find that your tastes have changed drastically as you get older. There’re plenty of folks who hit their 30s and 40s and realize that while that young flesh may be hot to look at… a lot of times, that’s all there is. They’re great eye-candy but you can’t have a conversation with them, nor are they nearly as good in bed as women who’re more age-appropriate.

(Seriously: the reason why we used to say that women hit their sexual peak at 35 is because by 35, women tend to have run out of f

ks to give and are shucking off the sex-shame-y bulls

t society has thrown on them. A woman with no f

ks, who’s come into her own sexuality is a glorious and terrifying thing to behold.)

Second, let’s be real here: this is less about whether or not it’s generally possible for an older man to get with a younger woman – clearly it is. This is about whether or not you’ll be the kind of man who can hook up with a woman young enough to be his granddaughter. In other words: this isn’t about whether your desire gets harder to fulfill and far more about your ego and a desire for validation. After all, young women are seen as having a certain value and cachet, so clearly someone who can manage to date or sleep with one (or two or three) is clearly of high status.

Except for the part where that’s not how this works. Yeah, Hef had his rotating stable of girlfriends… but he was Hugh Hefner. Basing your assumptions on how dating will work in your later years on Hef is like basing your career trajectory on Mark Zuckerberg’s.

Plus, beyond the allegations of mistreatment and sexual misconduct, do you honestly think that those were a relationship of mutual respect and interest? Dude wanted arm candy to show off and to put on shows for him while his girlfriends liked the advantages that being Hef’s girlfriend gave them. There may have been affection, but this was a one-sided relationship at best and – going by many of the books and stories that’ve come out since – kinda horrific.

Women, as a general rule, don’t date someone for value or status, they date someone who they have a legitimate attraction and connection with. Much of that connection is built on mutual respect, shared experiences and commonalities. The wider the gap you have between two people – especially in age – the harder it is to have those commonalities. Try talking to someone who’s 18 years old. You two will have fewer points of commonality or cultural touchstones than someone who’s 24-28 – never mind the differences in where the two of you are in your life.

So being an old guy with a young girlfriend… it’ll be theoretically possible, but unlikely, and the odds of it lasting is even more unlikely.

Third: I’m glad that Russell Brand has a close and passionate relationship with his wife, but I think you tried to put 2 and 2 together and got “moops” instead. Nothing that he said has anything to do with whether or not you’ll want young chicks as you got older.

Now if you’re asking whether you’ll want other people despite being in love with your partner… yes. Yes you will. So will your partner. We’re a species designed to seek out novelty, including sexual novelty. As I’m so often saying, a monogamous commitment says that you choose to not sleep with anyone else, not that you won’t want to. Similarly, passion fades over time with a partner. The newness and novelty inevitably goes away as you get to know somebody. That’s just part of being in a long-term relationship – that closeness and intimacy means that you know them in ways that you didn’t at first. The way that you keep the spark alive and vibrant is by recognizing that you can’t re-experience the novelty of getting to know your partner, but you can inject novelty and excitement into your lives… which will also bleed into your sexual connection. So part of keeping that spark alive is to not let your lives – sexual or otherwise – fall into a rut.

So yeah: you’re asking the wrong questions and inventing problems to get worried about that have absolutely nothing to do with your life now. Instead of worrying about whether you’re going to be the old guy in the club instead of the Most Interesting Man in the World, try focusing on the relationships you have now. You’re better off learning how to build, maintain and nurture what you have now – a practice that will serve you over your entire life time –  rather than worrying about whether  your future self will be able to score with young women.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently reconnected with two friends over spring break, after having not seen them for years. We talked and had a lot of fun, but we were at a diner and my one friend, J (f, currently 20), was revealed that she’d had a problem. She told me about a crush that she had on an underclassman at her school, K (f, currently 19), and how they were best friends but never in a relationship. J asked K out to prom one night, and K couldn’t say no. But once they got to prom, J spent most of the time dancing and flirting with other guys instead of spending time with K. K felt incredibly betrayed, even though they were never really “dating”. Smaller moments, such as ditching a group cosplay at a convention and J dating other people that both she and K knew – people that H didn’t like –  further splintered the relationship. K eventually went so far as to ask whether J saw her as a friend or girlfriend, and J wanted nothing but more but to stay best friends. Currently, the two of them rarely talk.

While she told me about this, I tried my best to comfort her. I asked her questions about how she felt, what she was and wasn’t okay with in the relationship, gave suggestions on what I would’ve done, and gave timid “I’m sorry J”s during the hard parts of her story. But after that discussion I could still feel that she was gloomy and unsatisfied. I thought her talking about it would make her feel a little better, but that didn’t seem to be the case. It made me feel that somewhere in the conversation I may have said something wrong or may have not said something right.

My question is how should I have a conversation like this again? How do I comfort a friend who is going through a rough break up or still stuck on something that never was? When someone comes to me with something like this again, I want to know how to go about it so that they feel like they have a better grasp on their own emotions.

Thanks,

Friend Indeed

DEAR FRIEND INDEED: Not gonna lie, FI… I’m not exactly sure what your friend was expecting. J seems to have gone out of her way to be awful to someone that she supposedly had a crush on and who clearly had feelings for her. There’s only so many times you can dropkick someone’s heart before they say “f

k this noise” and bail.

(Frankly, I’m amazed it took  as long as it did for K to decide to peace out of the entire relationship.)

As a general rule, when somebody’s hurting, most of the time, what they want is comfort. Sometimes that means somebody to listen and let them unload all of the pent-up emotions they’ve been feeling. They may want a neutral party to listen – someone who won’t cast judgement or who wasn’t involved – so they can open up and get an answer to “am I the asshole?” Sometimes it means someone who can be there physically for them – a warm body to cling to and cry on so that they don’t feel alone or abandoned or lost. Other times, they want somebody who will tell them that it’ll all be ok and that as bad as this is, it’ll all fade in time and they’ll feel normal again. Still other times, they want somebody who can divert and distract them, to take their mind off their pain, if only for a little bit.

What they usually don’t want is someone to solve their problem for them or to suggest solutions. This is a problem a lot of guys have; we’re socialized to believe our value is in doing things and solving problems, so we try to throw out solutions when what most people want is to be heard. This is why it can be good to ask whether someone wants action and solutions or tea and sympathy; it makes it easier to know what emotional protocols to engage.

Now not being there, I can’t tell you exactly what J was needing. The cynical side of me suggests that she was hoping that you’d reassure her that she wasn’t a bad person and didn’t blow up a relationship out of… I dunno, undergad drama, I guess. If – and that’s a mighty big if – that was the case, I’m not surprised that she went away unsatisfied.

But the thing you need to keep in mind is that you’re not magic. You can do all the right things and offer somebody the kind of comfort they want or need and not fix them or make them feel better. A lot of times, people will still go away sad and that’s ok. That’s not a failure on your part to comfort properly, it’s just that they still have to feel the hell out of their feels. But while you may not have cured them, you did offer them comfort and solace for a little while, when they needed it.

And most of the time, that’s exactly what they need.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My life is hell and always has been. Especially, for the last four years. I am twenty one years old chronologically, but biologically I am probably in my late thirties, early forties. This is because I have done absolutely nothing for the last four years, and I mean nothing except self destructive behavior and have my self esteem destroyed by my parents (very controlling, domineering and mean at times).

For the last four years, I have not been in education, employment or training. Almost every day, my day would be spent lying in bed on the internet, pacing around occasionally and eating a lot of junk food. That sounds very bad and it’s is, but it’s not until very  recently I have realized just what a intolerable lifestyle this is and how I could have done so much better. I hate it and always have, but for almost all of the last four years I have thought it was the best lifestyle I was capable of. I have no idea why I didn’t try to change it.

There were a couple of people who I spoke to during this time who urged me to change my ways and do something to change it. I never did, as I genuinely felt getting a job was beyond me. I know now it was not. These people remain the most positive social contact I ever had. I treated them poorly and obviously I regret that, but not as much as I do not listening to them.

What hurts most is, I used to be handsome guy three or four years ago and got a lot of attention for my looks. Now, I look nothing like that and very old and tired. Plus, my body is far too young to look and feel how it does.

I have bumped into a few people from high school, too. Their reactions always make me feel bad, as people who I know liked me always seem sad and like they pity me when they see me, whereas people I know who disliked me seem quite happy to see me now. I did not treat anyone badly in high school, so it hurts that they take pleasure in seeing me fail.

What makes it worse is that my brother is going to sixth form in September, as I did five years ago. He has a girlfriend, is going to school and recently got a job in the local cinema I almost applied for at his age (closest I ever came to applying for a job and wish I did it now). It brings back a few memories of me at that age and I can’t stop thinking of what might have been.

I regret everything about the last five years and have become the worst version of myself. It has been my dream to find somebody to love and move in with and finally be free from this prison cell, but my self destructive and lazy habits have robbed me of that hope.

I should have joined the army when I was forced to leave sixth form at 17. If I had I could have been in good health, looking great and flirting with women I like yet i am lying in my bed, unloved and alone. Is this all that life can show to me?

I feel ashamed of myself for how I lived for the last four years. I know it’s my fault I am in this mess and I should not be depressed about ruining my body and appearance as others have much worse problems. Yet, still; I must mourn!

Can I change Doc? Can I become a socially successful attractive guy and get an awesome girlfriend( my own age)? Will I finally leave home even with the poor job prospects I currently have and finally be free? What do I do?

P.S I don’t even enjoy junk food I are it because that was just how things were. My whole family had bad eating habits. How I have lived, both in terms how I treated my body and how barely did anything for four years. It all seems very silly now, but it always does afterwards, doesn’t it?

P.S.S one of those supposed reasons I didn’t apply for a job was because I was too shy for it. When I considered working a the cinema at 16 my parents actively discouraged it for that reason. I shouldn’t have listened to them.

Stuck In The Past

DEAR STUCK IN THE PAST: Alright, SiP, I sympathize. One of the hardest things to do is look at your life and decide that things need to change. So this is going to sound harsh, but trust me: it’ll help you come out stronger and better on the other side.

The first thing you need to do, SiP is let go of this all-or-nothing outlook. At the risk of pointing out the obvious, you’re making a lot of dramatic pronunciations without any actual weight or evidence behind them. I mean sure, you’ve been eating crap and living a sedentary lifestyle, but that’s not the same thing as having aged yourself prematurely. It just means you ate a lot of processed crap and didn’t exercise.

(Hell, in a lot of places, we call that “being a college student”)

And y’know, it’s a shame that you’ve been doing that for the last few years but it’s hardly an irreversible condition. In fact, considering that you’re 21, you can probably turn things around quickly, with minor adjustments to your lifestyle and diet. Just cutting out junk food, sodas and processed carbs can result in some pretty significant improvements to your health. Similarly, just getting up and walking for an hour a day will do wonders for you and your cardiovascular health.

But the bigger issue here is… well, are you going to choose to do it. You’ve framed all of this as being out of your control. Even your solution is for somebody else to save you from yourself. But that’s never going to happen. Hell, the closest that’s come to your fantasy were your friends who tried to get you out of your rut.

Nobody’s going to ride to your rescue, so you may as well save yourself. If – and that’s a mighty big if – you choose to do so.

That’s your biggest issue here: you’ve chosen, over and over again, to do nothing. You chose not to apply for jobs, you’ve chosen to eat crap and lay around and feel sorry for yourself. These are all things that are well within your control, man. But you have to decide that you’re going to actually make those changes.

And the first step is to take responsibility. Not in the self-pitying “woe is me” posture you’ve taken on, but to accept that you are in a hell of your own making. It sucks that you let things get to the level that you have, but you did. But just as you put yourself into this mess, you can dig yourself back out of it again. It doesn’t need to be a massive change; in fact, massive changes are more likely to hinder you; you’re more likely to give up early on. Small changes, micro-revolutions that show you that you’re not powerless will help build the foundation that will let you build the life you want.

Don’t worry about what your brother is doing; he’s on his own journey, not yours. What he does with his life is just that: it’s his life. It’s no reflection on yours. Similarly, don’t worry about the haters. Their disdain has nothing to do with you and their supposed enjoyment of your situation doesn’t affect you any more than you allow it to. Someone looking down their nose at you can sting, but only if you accept their judgement as valid in the first place.

You’re young and in the prime of life SitP. You have the benefits of your age and place in life. You have few debts, you have the metabolism and energy of youth and you don’t have obligations that limit what you can do or where you can work or live. You can go out tomorrow and start finding work; maybe not the most glamorous of employment, but even just working at the cinema is a foundation for change.

But only if you choose to take those chances. Only if you make the conscious decision to take control of your life.

It’s your life. It’s within your power. It’s up to you to make it happen.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll start by saying what most people do: I LOVE your blog. There’s a lot in here that has helped me so much in many social aspects, plus it’s just fun to read your posts.

To cut straight to it, my dating and romantic life is pretty much non-existent. I’m 28, with a pretty decent job and career ambition. I have only what I can describe as an aversion on most days, and a lack of skill on others, in regards to interacting and flirting with women I like on a romantic level. I’ve been told by lady friends that I’m not bad to look at, that I’m a “good/great guy, etc” and although I find it hard to believe given my lack of success in the dating realm, I also know that my confidence is low, so I try to take the compliment(s) to heart instead of my own self-limiting beliefs. However, at the risk of sounding somewhat like the others with similar problems, there are some factors that certainly don’t help my chances, and I’d wager that at least of them are rather unique.

I’m about 5’7, definitely a nerdy guy, and I was born with a “small” but noticeable birth defect in my hand. It doesn’t hinder me from much, but it looks pretty weird, and when people notice, I can tell. Most people tend to stare. It definitely has led to some confidence issues and approach anxiety, since I HAVE been rejected, judged, etc. due to this in the past (school kids are dicks. Who knew?). Making a good first impression that much harder, and in some cases, undoes the first impression.

I do try to actively remind myself that these factors do not necessarily mean I’m doomed to be forever alone, nor do they mean that I’m doomed to be alone forever, as I’ve had romantic and sexual success in the past, but that success has always been few and far between, and for the last few years I feel like I’ve gotten worse when it comes to women to say the least, and I can’t help but think these things are working against me, and that there’s nothing I can do about it.

I always end up being the friend, and while I understand there’s nothing wrong with just being friends with women, it kinda becomes discouraging that every woman I find myself interested in ends up rejecting me on that level.

I’ve been reading and internalizing a lot of your advice, from trying to lead a more interesting life and pursuing my hobbies alone, to reevaluating my fear of failure, adopting and applying an abundance mentality, and so on, but it doesn’t seem as if I’m getting anywhere. I know my overall confidence is still in major need of work, but it feels as if something else isn’t clicking. Maybe it is just me and I need to accept that while I may not be the worst pick, I’m still not good enough.

I honestly hate the idea of throwing a pity party for myself because it changes nothing, but I don’t know how else to view the situation. It seems more like a reality than just a self-limiting belief. Any help you could provide would be awesome.

Sincerely, 

The Hand I Was Dealt

DEAR THE HAND I WAS DEALT: Here’s the thing about life when you’re visibly different, THIWD: it becomes a superpower. You’re gifted with the ability to see which people are shallow assholes and which people are worth getting to know. People may react with surprise when they see your birth defect at first, but you’ll quickly find the people who will accept it as just a detail about who you are and the people who will treat it as some sort of sign of God’s divine disfavor or who will think that an issue with your hand means you’re somehow deficient.

Yeah, this means that there will be many people who’re gonna get filtered out, you have to ask yourself: are these people you’d actually want in your life?

And honestly, being unique works out to your advantage in the long run.  You want to nail that first impression and set their expectations of you, but letting them get to know you and your uniqueness – including your hand – means that you become more appealing to them as a person. Don’t be ashamed of your uniqueness; your hand may not be something a lot of people expect or have ever seen before, but it’s part of your story and what makes you, you. And I think we can both agree that you’re pretty awesome.

The other thing to keep in mind: you’re not Charles Xavier. You can’t read people’s minds and you have no real idea why people might turn you down. One of the things that’s tricky to remember is that the things we think are obvious or consequential to us aren’t necessarily what other people are focused on. It’s easy to assume that it has to be That One Thing that looms so large in your mind – especially if it’s particularly visible – but you have no idea if it’s actually that or something else entirely. The more you focus on That One Thing – your hand, in this case – the more it looms in your attitude and the way you act when you meet people. That, in turn, makes it harder for you to connect with folks; you’re essentially pushing them away first, even if you aren’t aware of it.

Yes, there may be folks who can’t get past your hand, but clearly there are people who can – your own romantic history is confirmation of that. It’s part of who you are and shaped you into who you are today, but it’s not what defines you. Never forget that.

You got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got quite the problem, I’m shy, introverted, and never really get out. I’ll start with my biggest problem, I don’t get out much. I go to college and work and that’s about it. About once or twice a month I’ll hang out with friends but that’s as much as I get out of the house. I used to get out a lot more, but as my friends got older they took on more hobbies, extracurricular activities, and some got girlfriends, so all their time was taken up and that has left me with no excuses to get out of the house. I’d love to get out more but going places without people you know is always kind of intimidating. What would you recommend I do to feel more comfortable when I’m out without people I know? What are some kinds of places or activities would you recommend for going out to meet new people, maybe some new friends or maybe some ladies.

My other problem is partly because I’m shy. I’m not completely shy; like I can hold a conversation on something I’m knowledgable or passionate about, but I can’t carry on a conversation very long by myself. I also am clueless on how to start up a conversation (with the ladies) in a situation where you wouldn’t normally meet. If I were at school or at work,I can easily start up a conversation with my female coworkers or classmates since I have a solid reason to, like just talking to pass the time at work or start talking about something related to the class, and can go from there in the conversation. But, in a situation where it is a completely random girl, I have no idea how I would even say hello without it being weird. Since I’m someone she doesn’t know who doesn’t have any real reason to talk to her out of nowhere, how would I even approach her without being weird? So basically how would I start up a conversation with a girl I’ve never met before and have no reason to talk to her but I’d like to get to know her? And then even after that how would I direct a conversation so it could be something I am knowledgeable on or passionate about so I can actually talk and not sit there like a log awkwardly? And what are some ways to keep the conversation from being dull?

And lastly, I’m more of a person who only talks when the subject is about something I’m knowledgeable about or am passionate about because I don’t want to say something that would make me sound like an idiot, so I end up just being someone who only listens in most conversations. How could I enter a conversation on something I don’t know much about without sounding like an idiot or completely derailing the conversation?

Thanks,

Pink Slip

DEAR PINK SLIP: Ok PS, this is one of the times when the answers to your questions all build off one another. Take, for example, how you start overcoming your shyness and get out of the house more… even when you don’t have anyone to go with.

The first thing I always recommend to people is that they leverage their interests. You want to find ways of taking the things you already love or are passionate about and find ways to use them to meet like-minded folks. If, for example, you like tabletop games or RPGs, it’s worth hitting up your local gaming store. They’ll often have tabletop nights to bring people together to play boardgames, host RPG groups and have other get-togethers for people who’re into dice, boards and miniatures. You might also seek out events like pub-quizzes, especially if the group running them will help put you together on a team. If you’re feeling more physical, then you might try an amateur sports league. There are also frequently Meet-Ups on many different topics; finding a couple of these is a great way to meet folks who share your interests.

But one thing to keep in mind is that you need to go more than once. In fact, becoming a regular – whether it’s to a gaming event, a pub quiz or even a bar – is part of how you start learning how to overcome your shyness. The more you become a fixture at these events, the more comfortable you become; you’ll feel more familiar with the venue or the event, you’ll feel as though you have a better grasp on the unwritten etiquette and mores, and you’ll start seeing many of the same faces over and over again. Even if you’re only on a nodding acquaintance with them, it will help you feel more at home, as it were, to see folks you recognize. That, in turn, will help you feel like you’ll be in a position to join in conversations or to start them yourself.

Speaking of which: I think that you, like many folks, are seriously overthinking what it takes to start a conversation. How many times, for example, have you been standing around some place – at a bar, in line at Starbucks, waiting for class to start – and someone makes an idle comment or observation? Somebody else responds and suddenly, a conversation’s broken out.

That is 90% of starting a conversation. It’s almost always a simple question or observation and things go from there. If you look at the various “openers” that pick-up artists talk about, you’ll quickly see how many of them are simple questions. Even the more elaborate routines – like the famous “Jealous Girlfriend” opener – start as asking somebody for their opinion about something, then pivoting to getting to know them better. And honestly, you can start a conversation with just about anything, including a direct “hey, you seem like you’re really interesting and I wanted to say ‘hi’. My name is…”

What you don’t want to do is try to force a conversation to go in a particular direction. I realize you feel more comfortable when it’s a subject you know a lot about… but not everybody is going to be interested in those subjects, nor are they always going to want to talk about them right then and there. After all, other folks are going to have things they like to talk about. In fact, understanding that is like a conversational super-power. As I’m often saying: we all love to find someone who wants to hear what we think about something. Most of the time we meet people who are just waiting for their turn to talk; finding somebody who wants to listen is rare and precious. The thing to keep in mind is that not knowing something doesn’t make you stupid or foolish; it just means that you don’t know something. Instead of trying to pretend that you’re actually knowledgeable about the subject, ask questions. Let them tell you about it, while you ask clarifying questions or try to make sure you’re understanding them correctly.

This is why you shouldn’t be afraid of being an active listener and asking relevant questions – especially if you don’t know much about the topic. The fact that you’re paying attention and want to know more makes them feel good, and they’ll associate those good feelings with you. This, in turn, invokes the Reward Theory of Attraction – we prioritize our relationships with folks who make us feel good.

I realize that meeting new folks can feel intimidating, but I promise you: it’s not nearly as difficult or as intimidating as you think. A willingness to let other folks talk, to listen and to show that you’re listening, and to adopt a learning mindset instead of trying to show how big your brain is will go a long way to improving your social life and social skills.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have enjoyed reading your column and listening to your podcast. I’m a straight white cis male in my mid thirties just getting out of a relationship that lasted 10+ years. The type of relationship which I thought was going to be my last, where we lived together for years, where all our friends know each other, where we were the most important people in one another’s lives. Ending the relationship was my call and I know that it was the right thing to do. Things had been getting bad for years and weren’t going to get better.

I feel vaguely optimistic about what’s next in my life but also am aware I am in a pretty emotionally vulnerable place. Most days are good but this is a whole new world for me. I’m not looking for dating advice per se, that doesn’t seem like something I want to dive into right away, but life advice on how to keep in touch with myself, get ready for whatever is next and avoid any potential pitfalls along my way.  Any advice for the newly single and not really ready to mingle? 

Best,

Enjoying The Silence

DEAR ENJOYING THE SILENCE: My go-to advice for folks who are newly single – whether they want to be or not – is to focus on yourself. What are the things that bring meaning to your life, that make you want to get up in the morning? These are the things that you should prioritize in your day to day life. Is there a project that you’ve been meaning to start, a trip you’ve wanted to take or some other event that you’ve left on the back-burner for a while? Now’s the perfect time to pursue it. Not only will this help keep you from dwelling about being newly single, but it’ll make you feel better about yourself; you’ll have a sense of accomplishment and achievement and you’ll feel like you’re doing something with your life instead of being stuck in a rut or floating along aimlessly.

The other thing that you’ll want to do is start focusing on the other, non-romantic relationships in your life. One of the unfortunate side-effects of a lot of our relationships is that they tend to be the primary focus of our time and energy. As a result, we have a tendency to let our other relationships slip down the priority ladder. Taking the time to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in a while and maintain the friendships with folks you have been seeing is an important part of anybody’s life, but especially when you’re single again. Not only is it important to have a Team You in your life, but it’s good to remind yourself that there are other folks in your life – folks who love and care for you.

Taking the time to rest up and build a life that you’re thrilled to live, single or otherwise, is going to be key for moving forward. Because when you have that awesome life and you’re ready to date again? Then it’ll be that much easier to find someone who’ll want to take part in it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently read your book “I Got Her Number, Now What?” but didn’t think it completely applied to the situation I am in/ questions I have.

I met this woman in Vegas, she was in our group of friends but I didn’t know her prior. We ended up going on a mini date and kissing and cuddling. She lives in Pittsburgh and I live in Philadelphia. I texted her and based on the book, I can tell I made some mistakes by killing the momentum and being boring. She has left me on read twice, but after the first time she responded to my funny text, we had some back and forth and then once again she left me on read because of the momentum.

My question is should I apply the same fundamentals for someone that lives long distance? Keep the texts short, fun, and lead to a date or try and get to know her, since dates will be few and far between? Since it is long distance, we won’t be able to meet for a decent amount of time, in that case how much should I text her after she’s agreed to the date? Say she says she is free to go on a date in 3 weekends?

Thanks,

West Philadelphia, Born and Raised

DEAR WEST PHILADELPHIA, BORN AND RAISED: One thing you’re going to want to keep in mind: sometimes folks aren’t going to respond – keeping you on read – because they don’t have anything to say. It’d be nice if they sent an emoji or other indicator that they read whatever you sent and liked it, but on occasion there’s simply nothing to respond to.

Now as for your situation, distance is going to be a problem. The guidelines in my book were written with a view towards dating people who live within easy driving distance. Unless you and she are in the habit of travelling to each other’s cities on the regular, it’s going to be difficult to propose a date if the two of you haven’t already been a little flirty and leading towards a conversation of “well, I’d love to see you if you’re ever in town.” It’s easier to propose a date with someone who’s in easy driving distance because it’s less of an ask; it’s not as much time out of their lives, nor does it feel as though you’re asking for more than just a date.

It’s one thing to ask somebody “hey, how do you feel about cocktails and pinball?” when they live in town with you. There simply isn’t as much of an investment of time and effort. If someone’s coming to your town specifically to see you, then it can feel like there’s more on the line. After all, they’ve come all that way; that makes it feel like the expectations are higher and more impactful, and that can make folks a little uncomfortable.

Now, if you happen to have business – actual business, not a BS excuse – to go to her town or vice versa, then it’s much easier to propose a date. “Hey, I’ll be in town for a work thing, would you like to get together?” feels far less consequential than “I’ve spent X amount of dollars and hours just to see you”.

So were I you, I’d feel out just where things are going. If the conversation is already heading in flirty directions, then by all means, propose the date. If not, then I’d say focus on the getting to know one another more and see where things are going.

And if you do plan a date together, then keep things light, friendly and flirty in between. Just don’t make the date itself a constantly recurring subject of conversation, outside of firming up plans. If it feels like you’re obsessing about the date or making a big deal out of it, it may make her feel uncomfortable about what exactly you’re expecting. It’s one thing to be excited and looking forward to it. It’s another when you KEEP talking about it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)