Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes frank discussion about abusive relationships and suicide.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a confusing, morally conflicted place and I could use an outside perspective.

For a long time, I was crushing on someone tangentially attached to my friend group. This didn’t stop me from dating other people, but I always paid attention to this woman in case my chance ever came up. Unfortunately, she was dating (in my biased opinion) a weapons grade bastard who was, at a minimum, verbally and mentally abusive to her. There was gossip he was physically abusive, with no obvious proof. Eventually, they broke up.

I waited a respectful amount of time then asked her out. We went on a few dates, things went well, we went on a few more, became exclusive, and time marches on. She tells me over and over I am the best boyfriend she’d ever had, she’s never been happier, so I thought things were going ok.

Until the ex shows up again, swearing he has changed, and he wants her back. You can probably guess what happened next. At first, she wanted nothing to do with him. Then she agreed to contact because she wanted closure. Then she agreed to continuing contact because she felt sorry for him. Then suddenly, she’s “unsure” how she feels about him. When it got to that point, I told her she had a choice; either him or me. She said was not prepared to make that choice. So, I broke up with her.

I didn’t scream or yell. The last time we spoke, I wished her well. I also told her that I seriously doubted the ex had changed, and I thought she was heading towards big trouble with him. I requested that when that trouble came, to leave me out of it. Given how betrayed I felt, I was not up for even pretending we could “still be friends” nor would I be willing to “get in touch” or “catch up” or anything like that after the you-know-what hit the fan. I unfollowed her on all social media, removed every physical reminder of her I could find, and went on with my life. I never brought her up or discussed her with any of our mutual friends and discouraged those friends from telling me about her. Nevertheless, I learned she moved in with the ex shortly after our break-up, which didn’t improve my mood.

Unfortunately, turns out the ex hadn’t changed. About a year after the break-up, I heard about things going badly for her; she had to flee their apartment, he got scary to the point the police got involved. Our friends started a collection to help her defray the costs of finding a new place and buying essentials. I was very happy to give money to that. But now, I’m hearing from our friends that she wants to “talk”.

I could not have been clearer when we broke up, and I have not changed my mind. I am not interested in that. Some have told me it would help her heal to talk with me. I don’t see her healing as my responsibility. I have been accused of being a bad ally. I have been told I am cruel for being willing to ignore what we once had. I would never say this to her, but I can’t help but notice that what we had didn’t count for much in the moment, so it isn’t clear why it should mean that much to me years later.

Other friends have said that if I really meant what I said about not being involved I never would have given that money; that by doing so, I raised an expectation that a relationship could be salvaged, and it would be cruel to take that away. If I am honest, that argument makes some sense to me. It doesn’t make me want to interact with her, but it does make me wonder if I have obliged myself to do so.

Finally, are some mutual friends that support my decision.

I read all this over and I know I must sound like a cold, unfeeling bastard. Believe me when I say the opposite is the case. It is way beyond my ability to describe my dread when the ex showed back up and she started giving him more and more of her time, or to describe the kick in the balls it was when she admitted she still had feelings for him, or how sad and lonely I felt when I was getting rid of all my reminders of her. Even now, there’s a part of me that fantasizes that we’ll meet back up and live happily ever after. But I know that isn’t going to happen. The same part of me that knew the ex was bad news (for her and for me) when he resurfaced knows that nothing good is going to come of re-engaging with her. It isn’t about punishing her, it’s about protecting me.

My preferred outcome would be to communicate back to her through our mutual friends that I am glad she is safe and well, and the best way for her to remain so is to focus on her future, not dwell on the past. If she believes aspects of our previous relationship offers some insight, she would be better served working that out with a professional. For my part, I am not interested in any sort of relationship (romantic or platonic) going forward.

So I guess my question to you is given our history and what she has been through, do I owe her anything? Am I obliged to meet her in person and hear what she has to say? Or can I go through with my preferred outcome and consider that a justifiable response? Your opinion would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Gluing Myself Back Together

DEAR GLUING MYSELF BACK TOGETHER: Hoo boy.

OK, GMBT, this is a complicated one. And that means it’s going to be time to break out the Chair Leg of Truth to sort it out.

On the one hand, you have an absolute right to decide what kind of relationship you want (or don’t want) with your ex. As I’ve told people before, you aren’t required to be friends with your ex, or even have any contact with them whatsoever. You have the right to decide that staying in contact with an ex is entirely too painful for you and that seeing them again will be like a hammer to your gut and sandpaper to your soul. That is completely legitimate. I’ve seen far too many people who’ve kept emotional wounds open and bleeding because they were trying to be “the bigger person” and keep a relationship going even though it was killing them inside.

On the other hand… I think you’re being unnecessarily cruel here. Yes, it’s based on ignorance – which I will get into in a second – but I think this is a case where you’re causing hurt that could easily be avoided.

The problem is that you’re missing a critical factor in your break-up with your ex: the fact that she was in an abusive relationship. That changes the math on her relationship with her ex. See, people who leave abusive relationships rarely make a completely clean break. In fact, part of the cycle of an abusive relationship is that many times, the survivor of abuse will leave their abuser… and then end up going back to them. Often repeatedly. What tends to happen is that the abuse survivor will try to leave, only to have their abuser re-enter their life. When this happens, the abuser will frequently love-bomb them and express guilt or remorse and make grandiose promises of how things have changed and they’ll be different this time. This is known as the reconciliation/honeymoon stage, and many, many survivors will end up going back to their abusers during this stage. It’s made all the more insidious because there’s frequently a calm period, where the abuser will make any number of promises – including agreeing to go to counseling or couples therapy. But this period never lasts, and the cycle will start again.

The obvious question is “so why do they go back?” And the answer is “it’s complicated”. Part of it is that abusers prey on the fact that their victims want to believe the abuse is an aberration. Most people don’t want to believe that they’re the sort of person who would accept abuse or that they could love someone who’s an abuser. They want to believe that the person that they care for – and yes, survivors do care for the people who abuse them – could be that cruel, that deceptive or that dangerous.

Another part is that abusers will cut their victims off from their friends and loved-ones, leaving them isolated. Part of why survivors go back is that they find that their support networks are gone or damaged… many times because those friends and family will tell the survivor that it’s a “fool me once, shame on me” situation and that going back means that they’re choosing to be abused. Again: this is something that abusers will frequently rely on as part of how they keep their victims under their thumb.

(And this is before we get into the fact that many survivors don’t leave because they can’t; their abusers control them financially or through threats against family members or even pets. And then there’s the fact that leaving increases the risk of someone being killed by their abuser.)

So while I understand how that it feels like you didn’t count for anything when she was back in contact with her ex, the truth is that it’s far less about you and far more about the way that abuse and abusers absolutely screw with a survivor’s head. I’m not saying that understanding this could have helped you encourage her to stay away from him, but I am saying that you’re holding onto insults that were never actually there. And to be perfectly blunt: I don’t know if I believe you that you say this isn’t about punishing her. The tone of your letter carries the very distinct air of “…and she goddamn deserves this for leaving me.” There’s a lot of wounded ego in this and frankly I think it’s coloring your perception of the situation.

Are you obligated to meet up with her? No. You made your stance clear when you broke up with her. As I said earlier: you have the absolute right to decide where your boundaries are and to stick to them, regardless of what other people think.

But to paraphrase Nick Fury: seeing as that was a stupid-ass decision, I think you should elect to ignore that.

I think that it would do the both of you good to hear her out. I think it would be valuable to her to have a chance to clear the air, express her regrets and explain where her head was at when she left you. I think it would do you some good to hear that as well. And just as importantly, I think it will do you good to forgive her in person. Forgiveness isn’t for the benefit of the person being forgiven, it’s for the benefit of the person doing the forgiveness. Carrying around the anger and hurt – which you are clearly doing – is toxic to the soul. Forgiveness is a way of letting those wounds heal and cleansing the infection from within you. And while there’re plenty of crimes and slights that can be too much to forgive and nobody is obligated to forgive someone… I think this is something both of you need.

But just to drive the point home one more time: you have the right to not have a relationship of any kind with your ex if that’s what you really need. You have the right to never see or communicate with her again if that’s what you want.

But you’re the only person who can decide if that’s the right decision for you.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve gotten myself into an awful mess. I got back with my ex a few days ago who is mentally ill. We broke up a year and a half ago, and I started really missing him, kind of forgetting how bad things were between us.

I was romanticizing all the positives, which were non-existent during our last several months together. He has BPD, bipolar disorder and acute anxiety. He was suicidal when we broke up. He is heavily medicated and I thought he was stable, but I’m beginning to see that he is far from it.

I feel trapped already and I’m starting to have anxiety over getting back with him. I’m not even sure I love him. I don’t know what to do, and I feel terrible about breaking up with him as this will set him back even further. He has a 14 year old son at home. I am selfish for doing this, and I have a host of health issues, depression being one, but mostly physical, including pain issues.

The stress is going to crush me I feel. I’m also afraid he will become suicidal again if I break up with him. Please help!

Trapped 

DEAR TRAPPED: Here’s what I ask people who are in your situation Trapped – where they know they made a mistake, but they are afraid to leave because they are afraid something bad will happen to their partner when they do: how long are you willing to be in this relationship out of fear? Are you going to stay with him for the rest of your life out of fear of what he may or may not do? Are you willing to sacrifice your health and emotional well-being in a misguided belief that you and you alone can help him?

You’re not his doctor, Trapped, nor his nurse, nor his counselor or any kind of mental-health professional. You’re a person in a bad situation and who’s desperately out of her depth and you’re sinking deeper.

You need to leave him Trapped, and you need to leave him immediately. If you’re worried about what may happen then you can give his family or friends a heads-up about what’s about to happen. Once you’ve decided to break up with him, you need to make two phone calls. The first is to his immediate family that you’re breaking up with him and they should be aware that he may need them, in case he backslides or becomes suicidal. The second is to your boyfriend, to let him know.

(Normally I believe that if you’re going to break up with someone, you should respect them enough to do it face to face, but there are exceptions. This is one of them.)

You can also leave him with a note with numbers and URLs mental health resources in his area, including the suicide hotline before you leave. But you need to leave. And if he calls or threatens suicide and you believe that he’s serious (and I can’t stress this enough: ONLY if you believe he’s serious), then you should call his parents and emergency services.

It’s a shame that leaving him may hurt him, Trapped, but staying won’t help him and it will hurt you.

Get out. Now. And write back to let me know how you’re doing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating a particular woman (call her L) for over a month now. We’re pretty interested in each other, and if things continue like this, we’ll likely be in an official relationship soon. So far, so good, right?

With many other women, we’ve had sex by the 5th date. With L, we’ve been on 7 dates, made out multiple times on my bed, but no sex. That’s fine–I don’t want to rush her if she’s not ready. She also implied that she’s inexperienced with men, so maybe she’s a bit nervous sexually. I asked her briefly about this and she said she would be willing later in the relationship, and I didn’t press her to explain more.

I’m assuming L would eventually *want* to bang, just when she’s comfortable. But maybe not? Maybe her threshold is “1 year of dating”? I don’t want to wait a long time to find out I’m emotionally invested in someone who I’m not sexually compatible with (like, having the desire to have sex at least once a week).

How do I bring this topic up without sounding like I’m a dumb, horny dude?

Waiting To Begin

DEAR WAITING TO BEGIN: First of all, WTB, I want to say that you’re making the right choice to talk about this. In the early days of a relationship, especially one you see that might potentially go the distance, it’s important to prioritize sexual compatibility. While not every couple is going to have scorching hot sex right off the bat – sometimes you need to get in synch with one another, and that takes time – the fact is that the sexual connection on the whole isn’t going to change over time. If the two of you aren’t on the same sexual frequency, then all that’s going to happen is that the discord and feedback from that mismatch will build over time and make you both miserable. Better to figure that out now than after months or years down the line.

And that may mean leaving her to find someone who’s on the same timeline as you are, sexually. I know that breaking up with someone because she wanted to wait to have sex can seem like a jerk move. But the truth is that it’s better for her to be in a relationship with someone who wants the same things she does. If that’s not you, then letting her be free to find someone else is the kindest thing you could do.

So let’s talk about how to thread this particular needle.

First and foremost: don’t apologize for wanting to talk about the sexual side of your relationship. One of my rules for when it comes to relationships is that you need to be able to talk about your wants and needs with them. This is true about whether this relationship is one that you anticipate lasting for years, or one that you’re only expecting to last the night. After all: they’re not Jean Grey and you’re not Professor X. They can’t read your mind, you can’t read theirs and neither of you can project your thoughts into someone else’s brain… no matter how hard you try.

That means that if there’s something you need from this relationship or a boundary that you need them to be aware of, you should feel like you can bring it up without fear. If you can’t talk to somebody about what you want to do to them or what you want them to do to you… well, then you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with them and you definitely shouldn’t be dating them. The sooner you get in the habit of communicating openly and clearly, the better your relationships will be.

And if they get angry, get judgmental or otherwise react badly to trying to talk about what you need… well, that’s a pretty good indicator that maybe you should run like all of Hell and half of Hoboken are after you.

Now this doesn’t mean that you can just sit down and say “So, I really want to f

k and I want to know if that’s gonna happen or not.” That’s a great way to shut things down with a quickness.

What you want to do is have a defining-the-relationship variation on the Awkward Conversation. Start by scheduling a talk. You want to actually set time aside for this; you both want to make sure that you have the chance to speak and also to process what they have to say. Plus, scheduling a time to talk about things means that you’re not going to suddenly drop this on her right as the two of you are making out or a time that might imply that you’re expecting sex right now.

Next: explain that the reason you want to talk about this with her is that you want to make sure you and she are on the same page. Let her know that you are just looking to understand where she’s coming from and you want to ensure that what she’s saying and what you’re hearing are the same thing. Let her know that you’re a little hesitant to bring this up because you don’t want to make her feel pressured, but you feel it’s important to talk about. Share your thoughts about what sexual compatibility means to you and why it’s important to you. Do not mention how many dates you went on with other women before the relationship became sexual; that will just make her feel like you’re complaining about how long it’s taken.

Tell her that you understand that she wants to wait until she’s ready before she sleeps with you, that you respect that and that you are in no way asking her to make up her mind right now. All you want to know is what does that look like to her. What, in her ideal world, would come together that would let her feel ready and eager to have sex?

Then let her give her thoughts. Do your best to just listen, patiently. She may be nervous. She may never have put this into words before. This means that she might stumble over her words or have to pause to think of how to phrase things. Give her the verbal space to do so, without pushing or trying to fill in the gaps for her. The more that you can give her a safe, non-judgmental space to unpack her thoughts on the matter, the more comfortable she’ll be sharing them with you.

Wait until she’s finished, then ask clarifying questions, if you have any. Make sure that you understand where she’s coming from; rephrase it in your own words, if necessary.

Keep in mind: this may take time. This may have to be more than one conversation. She may need to take a break from talking about it, especially if she gets flustered or embarrassed. The more that you can be accepting and patient, the easier it’ll be for the both of you.

After that… well, that’s going to be up to the two of you. If what she needs to be ready to say yes to sex are things that you feel comfortable giving – or that you can give – then by all means, do so. If what she needs is more than you can give or more that you’re willing to give, then the best thing you can do is to say “I respect that and I don’t think I’m the right person for you,” and let her go. She may be an amazing person and you two have a great time together, but that incompatibility means that you two won’t work out as a couple. Better to leave early and part as friends than to try to force two incompatible needs together.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wonder if my partner and I should see a therapist together. We’ve been together for a little over two years, and while we love each other and have been exclusive since the beginning, we keep facing these difficult challenges:

My mom doesn’t approve of our relationship because I am a Christian and he is not (though he is not antagonistic towards my faith and even comes to church with me sometimes). He is nothing but nice to her, so it pains both of us that we don’t have her approval.

That being said, I could do with a little more connection on the spiritual level. He knows my faith is important to me but I do wish he’d take more initiative to talk to me about it (I’m not trying to convert him, but showing more interest in this big part of my life would be a reassurance).

When we met, I was (mostly) a “virgin” and he was definitely not, and while that was never really an issue it has created some resentment on my part because I never got to explore and develop my sexuality the way he did. We’ve talked about opening up the relationship but we keep putting it on the back burner.

We both lost a close family member last year, within a few months of each other. It’s created a lot of stress and deep pain for both of us, which hasn’t completely healed (and we’re realistic, we know it will probably take a long time).

We are planning on moving in together in a few months. I am concerned because he is very driven and committed to his career, and I am still figuring out what I want to do career-wise. I worry that what I want won’t matter as we continue to solidify our relationship, and that I will get dragged along with him wherever his career takes him because I’m not solid in my own career yet.

That being said, the good parts: he is the kindest, most compassionate man I’ve ever met, and he loves me better than anyone on earth. He completely trusts me, he’s considerate of my feelings, and he’s super communicative and funny, to the point that makes me feel foolish for worrying so much.

Is therapy too big of a first step? I feel like we have a lot of things to talk about and I am concerned about presenting my feelings on all of this to him on my own in case it feels like an attack/coming out of nowhere. Still, I think my worry is justified. It’s a lot for a couple to deal with all at once, and if we’re going to take a step as big as moving in together, I think these things should be addressed thoroughly and with an outside, unbiased perspective.

I would greatly appreciate your input, and the input of your readers.

Thanks again,

Therapy, Or?

DEAR THERAPY, OR: I picked your letter, TO, because one of the things I want to drive home to folks is that couples counseling isn’t just for couples in crisis. A lot of people see talking to a counselor as something you only do when things have gone horribly horribly wrong and you can’t fix it on your own. Of course, once they get to that point, there are often many issues to deal with – issues that may never have gotten to that point if you’d addressed them earlier.

Think of your relationship like a car. Occasionally you’ll get a knocking sound, the engine will feel like it’s off or the check engine light comes on. Many times it’s nothing; other times, that’s the first indicator that something needs to be tweaked. If you leave it, it might go away on its own or it might just stay as a quirk of the car. But other times, that minor problem is the precursor to a larger, much more significant problem… something that could even do serious damage to vital systems. That’s why it’s generally a good idea to take the car in and make sure everything’s fine.

So it is with relationships. Often the best time to deal with an issue is early on, before it grows into something more significant that may affect the other aspects of your relationship.

Right now you and your sweetie have some minor concerns – the relationship version of a weird knocking sound. Are these issues that will definitely affect your relationship? Maybe yes, maybe no. Going to talk to a counselor – even if it’s just to reassure yourself that everything is fine – can make a huge difference.

Plus: part of what a good relationship counselor does is facilitate conversations, especially difficult ones. They help you figure out just what it is you need to say and help you say it in a place where you can feel free to express yourself. Having someone guide you through those conversations may help make things proceed much more smoothly than they might otherwise. Plus, it can help give you the tools you both need to address your needs in the future… a way of dealing with that check-engine light if you will.

I don’t think that what you’re asking for is too much, TO. It seems pretty sensible and reasonable to me from where I sit. All I would suggest is that you make sure you choose a good, sex-positive counselor, especially if you’re going to want to talk about your feelings about your different levels of sexual experience. Fortunately, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT.org)has a referral directory on their site to help you find a certified professional in your area.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 21 year old male, I go to college, go to work, just your normal everyday man. I need help understanding why this woman isn’t interested in me anymore.

It all started at my buddy’s house, let’s call him Alpha. Alpha and I were discussing how my dating life is going. I told him n,ot so good, I’m looking for someone to be with. Out of nowhere he texts this girl, Chi, he knows and puts in a good word about me. She and I graduated from high-school together, but I never really gave her much thought. Turns out that she lives right behind me, so I figured “Why not, let’s give it a shot, I might have a diamond in the rough here.”

When she responded to Alpha, she said she thought I was very good looking, which was enough for me to decide contact her. I text her and we hit it off, everything’s great. We text for a couple of days and eventually I asked her out to dinner. She said yes. We went to dinner and had one hell of a good time, the chemistry seemed to work perfectly. At the end the night, we go back to my house and where we’re cuddling in bed, making out, watching movies and drinking wine through the late night. Eventually I dropped her off at her place. We both had a great time and we’re already making future plans to see each other again.

We continue texting each other morning till night for the next couple of days. We’re flirting and sharing and deep thoughts about one another via text and how good that date was. Eventually we hung out again at her house – two days ago, in fact. I show up at her house, we go up in her room, I help her with some homework and we just watch some romantic comedies on Netflix. During all of this, it feels like we have the same amount of energy and connection as we did on the first date. I meet her parents, had a great conversation, they seemed to like me. At the end of the night, I said my goodbyes and went home.

The next morning we started texting like usual, when all the sudden out of nowhere she sends me this: “I don’t want to waste your time and I think you’re such a great person, you did nothing wrong, but I’m not in the right mindset to talk to someone right now. I’m going thru a lot of stuff w myself and I don’t think I am ready for any sort of relationship. I would love to stay friends with you because I think you are such an amazing person. I am seriously so so sorry you did absolutely nothing wrong”. Immediately I start to freak out as I have become extremely emotionally invested in this girl. I’ve never had chemistry like this with anyone before. Yeah, we have only been talking for less than a week mind you but this is the first time I have been with a girl in 3 years. I have not received any sort of attention or affection from any women, so I guess you could say I was all over that like a mouse on cheese, I’m a sap for that stuff.

My main problem here is that everything seemed to be going picture perfect, just like out of a movie, when out of nowhere, Chi sends me that text that she isn’t interested and I’m just left here to pick up the pieces. What the hell, this always happens, I start talking to a girl we hit it off great talk about how much we like each other and at the end I always end up my goddamn heart played with. All I want at this point in time is someone I can call my own, something to come home to. Who knows, maybe my mindset does not represent my current age.

I’m hoping maybe you could shed a different perspective on this.

It’s Not Her, It’s Me

DEAR IT’S NOT HER, IT’S ME: Alright, a couple of things, my dude.

First of all: I am sympathetic to the fact that this is the first serious date you’ve had in a few years. I get it. It feels like you’ve been dying of thirst in the desert and suddenly you found an oasis. But, dude. For real. You’ve been on a grand total of two dates. You’ve known her for a week. The level of despair you’re expressing here is seriously out of line with the nature and depth of the relationship. Getting “hey, thanks but no thanks” after two dates is annoying, yeah. Frustrating, for sure. It may even make you grind your teeth and wonder what the hell happened. But freaking out and declaring that your heart’s been shattered into a thousand pieces?

No. Just… no, dude.

Now I can’t tell you just what happened. I wasn’t there to silently observe your date like The Watcher, nor can I read her mind to tell you just what happened  and why she suddenly seems to have gone cold on you. But based on your letter and a lifetime of experience, I’ve got a theory or two.

First of all, it’s entirely possible that it’s exactly like she said. She likes you, she really dug the chemistry you two had and had a lot of fun on your dates… but she knows herself well enough to know that she’s not in a place where she could really date someone. She can’t offer you the kind of relationship that you want and it would be unfair for her to let you live in hope of something that could never be. As such, she needs to be cruel to be kind – inflicting the necessary pain of letting you down now to spare you the lingering and deeper pain of having to reject you in the future. You know… at a time when it’d be more reasonable to be emotionally invested in her.

The other theory is that, well… you’re not the most objective participant in this. Sure, you had a first date that went gang-busters. But the second date… it may have felt amazing to you, but it wasn’t as magical for her. It could just as easily be that yeah she thinks you’re a good guy and she had a great date with you, but that second date may have confirmed for her that she’s just not feeling it.

And it’s certainly possible that, frankly, she could tell that you were way the hell more into her than is reasonable and that set off her Spidey-sense. That is going to wig people out, even if they like you. One of the keys for being somebody worth dating is that you have to have good emotional intelligence. That means, among other things, that you don’t decide that you’re in love after one or two dates. Yeah, I get that it can feel intoxicating, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve had a good date… but you need to have enough presence of mind to recognize that this is just an emotional high, not a sign from the cosmos.

And honestly this seems like it’s a pattern for you. If this “always happens” and you always get your heart shattered after one or two dates, then it’s likely that you need to seriously slow your roll when it comes to meeting people. I get that you want a serious relationship, but running full-tilt-boogie into every date like it’s your last is a great way to spook folks.

Now I’m not saying that you need to try to force yourself to not feel. That never works; all that happens is you bottle things up and the pressure builds until it explodes. What you need to do is to stop letting these emotions control you. Feel them, sure… but remind yourself that these feelings are ephemeral and the intensity is only in contrast to how lonely you’ve been feeling. Take some deep breaths, get re-centered and start to recognize the difference between excitement and a love to last the ages. The more you start to get a handle on your emotions and your expectations, the easier it’ll be for you to keep your head when you do meet someone who wants the same things you do.

It’s not a guarantee that you won’t hear “it’s not you, it’s me.” But it does mean that it won’t destroy you every time – or scare off potential partners – like it does now.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been married for a little over a year, together for almost two years. My spouse and I both have a history of abuse and sexual assault. Our sex life is complicated, and consent is HUGE for us.

I got pregnant only a month or so into our marriage, and when I started to show, my husband’s libido took a nosedive. He said it was just too weird knowing there was a baby in my stomach. That wasn’t a big deal at first.

Now it’s nine months later. Our baby is five months old and sleeping through the night. I’m back to my pre-pregnancy dress size. My husband and I have only had sex five times in those nine months, and I’m lonely!

This isn’t an issue I’ve ever had before, because my libido is very very low. We used to have sex once every two or three weeks, and that was fine. Now we hardly even kiss.

This isn’t something I can fix with masturbation, because it’s not about orgasms. I don’t actually enjoy those. It’s the bonding sensation of sex that I miss, but I worry that if I bring this up to my husband, he’s going to feel pressured into sex. I don’t want him to feel as if he has to do anything he doesn’t want. What can I do?

Sexless in Seattle

DEAR SEXLESS IN SEATTLE: We live in a fairly sex-negative culture, SiS. We’re taught that sex is holy and sacred but also that sex is a contest of wills. That men want sex and women don’t and that these two desires are in conflict. That men who don’t want sex are weird and women who do are damaged and broken. And part of the way that this screws with people’s heads is that some guys get weird about pregnancy and becoming parents. Lousy sex-ed means that they don’t understand how vaginas and uteruses work and they think that they’re going to bump into the fetus with their dicks. Conflicting messages about who they’re supposed to bang and who they’re supposed to marry creates weird dichotomies between the “good” ones who they’re supposed to marry and the “bad” ones they can have wild and crazy sex with but would never settle down with. And if they’re in the room and see the baby being born, then they might have a minor freak out. Suddenly this part of you that until now has been about sex and intimacy and pleasure just pushed out a kid and their world view has changed. Now they can’t reconcile the image of the baby being born with the image of the sex they’ve been having and it shorts out their libido.

Even good, progressive dudes run into this problem. They see their partners as sexual beings, partners-in-crime who have crazy, swinging-from-the-chandeliers adventures… until they marry or have kids. Now that they’re parents, they see their partners as “the mother of my children”, ignoring that she’s the exact same person she was before. Marriage and parenthood becomes the death of sexual adventure because “dude, she’s a mom“.

I suspect that’s what’s going on here, SiS. I think your husband is having a hard time reconciling the idea of you as a sexual being with the idea of you being a mother. And while he may snap out of this on his own, the truth is that right now, you’re feeling a distinct loss of intimacy and connection, even if sex isn’t involved.

Now, I understand why you’re hesitant to bring this up to him. It’s admirable that you don’t want him to feel pressured into doing something he may not want to do, especially considering that you both have a history as victims of abuse. But at the same time, you have a right to advocate for your needs. And your husband may not realize that you have those needs if you don’t tell him.

So I think what you need to do is pull him aside for an Awkward Conversation. Carve out time to actually talk this out – time that you reserve specifically for this conversation. Start by explaining why you’ve been hesitant to bring this up: you don’t want him to feel pressured and why.  Then explain that you are feeling disconnected from him and missing that sense of intimacy and connection. Next, lay out just what you think would make things better – more casual contact, more cuddling, more kissing and physical togetherness even if sex isn’t involved. Let him know why you think things will be better if you do this. And then… give him his turn. Let him share his thoughts about what’s going on and how he’s feeling.

And after you’ve talked things out… consider having some non-sexual cuddle-time, where the two of you just lay there and snuggle with no expectations of more. Having some time to just physically reconnect without the potential pressure of sex may help reaffirm those bonds. And the simple act of being physical with one another may also help him remember that you’re a sexual being too… and reignite some of those fires while the two of you are at it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)