DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating a particular woman (call her L) for over a month now. We’re pretty interested in each other, and if things continue like this, we’ll likely be in an official relationship soon. So far, so good, right?

With many other women, we’ve had sex by the 5th date. With L, we’ve been on 7 dates, made out multiple times on my bed, but no sex. That’s fine–I don’t want to rush her if she’s not ready. She also implied that she’s inexperienced with men, so maybe she’s a bit nervous sexually. I asked her briefly about this and she said she would be willing later in the relationship, and I didn’t press her to explain more.

I’m assuming L would eventually *want* to bang, just when she’s comfortable. But maybe not? Maybe her threshold is “1 year of dating”? I don’t want to wait a long time to find out I’m emotionally invested in someone who I’m not sexually compatible with (like, having the desire to have sex at least once a week).

How do I bring this topic up without sounding like I’m a dumb, horny dude?

Waiting To Begin

DEAR WAITING TO BEGIN: First of all, WTB, I want to say that you’re making the right choice to talk about this. In the early days of a relationship, especially one you see that might potentially go the distance, it’s important to prioritize sexual compatibility. While not every couple is going to have scorching hot sex right off the bat – sometimes you need to get in synch with one another, and that takes time – the fact is that the sexual connection on the whole isn’t going to change over time. If the two of you aren’t on the same sexual frequency, then all that’s going to happen is that the discord and feedback from that mismatch will build over time and make you both miserable. Better to figure that out now than after months or years down the line.

And that may mean leaving her to find someone who’s on the same timeline as you are, sexually. I know that breaking up with someone because she wanted to wait to have sex can seem like a jerk move. But the truth is that it’s better for her to be in a relationship with someone who wants the same things she does. If that’s not you, then letting her be free to find someone else is the kindest thing you could do.

So let’s talk about how to thread this particular needle.

First and foremost: don’t apologize for wanting to talk about the sexual side of your relationship. One of my rules for when it comes to relationships is that you need to be able to talk about your wants and needs with them. This is true about whether this relationship is one that you anticipate lasting for years, or one that you’re only expecting to last the night. After all: they’re not Jean Grey and you’re not Professor X. They can’t read your mind, you can’t read theirs and neither of you can project your thoughts into someone else’s brain… no matter how hard you try.

That means that if there’s something you need from this relationship or a boundary that you need them to be aware of, you should feel like you can bring it up without fear. If you can’t talk to somebody about what you want to do to them or what you want them to do to you… well, then you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with them and you definitely shouldn’t be dating them. The sooner you get in the habit of communicating openly and clearly, the better your relationships will be.

And if they get angry, get judgmental or otherwise react badly to trying to talk about what you need… well, that’s a pretty good indicator that maybe you should run like all of Hell and half of Hoboken are after you.

Now this doesn’t mean that you can just sit down and say “So, I really want to f

k and I want to know if that’s gonna happen or not.” That’s a great way to shut things down with a quickness.

What you want to do is have a defining-the-relationship variation on the Awkward Conversation. Start by scheduling a talk. You want to actually set time aside for this; you both want to make sure that you have the chance to speak and also to process what they have to say. Plus, scheduling a time to talk about things means that you’re not going to suddenly drop this on her right as the two of you are making out or a time that might imply that you’re expecting sex right now.

Next: explain that the reason you want to talk about this with her is that you want to make sure you and she are on the same page. Let her know that you are just looking to understand where she’s coming from and you want to ensure that what she’s saying and what you’re hearing are the same thing. Let her know that you’re a little hesitant to bring this up because you don’t want to make her feel pressured, but you feel it’s important to talk about. Share your thoughts about what sexual compatibility means to you and why it’s important to you. Do not mention how many dates you went on with other women before the relationship became sexual; that will just make her feel like you’re complaining about how long it’s taken.

Tell her that you understand that she wants to wait until she’s ready before she sleeps with you, that you respect that and that you are in no way asking her to make up her mind right now. All you want to know is what does that look like to her. What, in her ideal world, would come together that would let her feel ready and eager to have sex?

Then let her give her thoughts. Do your best to just listen, patiently. She may be nervous. She may never have put this into words before. This means that she might stumble over her words or have to pause to think of how to phrase things. Give her the verbal space to do so, without pushing or trying to fill in the gaps for her. The more that you can give her a safe, non-judgmental space to unpack her thoughts on the matter, the more comfortable she’ll be sharing them with you.

Wait until she’s finished, then ask clarifying questions, if you have any. Make sure that you understand where she’s coming from; rephrase it in your own words, if necessary.

Keep in mind: this may take time. This may have to be more than one conversation. She may need to take a break from talking about it, especially if she gets flustered or embarrassed. The more that you can be accepting and patient, the easier it’ll be for the both of you.

After that… well, that’s going to be up to the two of you. If what she needs to be ready to say yes to sex are things that you feel comfortable giving – or that you can give – then by all means, do so. If what she needs is more than you can give or more that you’re willing to give, then the best thing you can do is to say “I respect that and I don’t think I’m the right person for you,” and let her go. She may be an amazing person and you two have a great time together, but that incompatibility means that you two won’t work out as a couple. Better to leave early and part as friends than to try to force two incompatible needs together.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wonder if my partner and I should see a therapist together. We’ve been together for a little over two years, and while we love each other and have been exclusive since the beginning, we keep facing these difficult challenges:

My mom doesn’t approve of our relationship because I am a Christian and he is not (though he is not antagonistic towards my faith and even comes to church with me sometimes). He is nothing but nice to her, so it pains both of us that we don’t have her approval.

That being said, I could do with a little more connection on the spiritual level. He knows my faith is important to me but I do wish he’d take more initiative to talk to me about it (I’m not trying to convert him, but showing more interest in this big part of my life would be a reassurance).

When we met, I was (mostly) a “virgin” and he was definitely not, and while that was never really an issue it has created some resentment on my part because I never got to explore and develop my sexuality the way he did. We’ve talked about opening up the relationship but we keep putting it on the back burner.

We both lost a close family member last year, within a few months of each other. It’s created a lot of stress and deep pain for both of us, which hasn’t completely healed (and we’re realistic, we know it will probably take a long time).

We are planning on moving in together in a few months. I am concerned because he is very driven and committed to his career, and I am still figuring out what I want to do career-wise. I worry that what I want won’t matter as we continue to solidify our relationship, and that I will get dragged along with him wherever his career takes him because I’m not solid in my own career yet.

That being said, the good parts: he is the kindest, most compassionate man I’ve ever met, and he loves me better than anyone on earth. He completely trusts me, he’s considerate of my feelings, and he’s super communicative and funny, to the point that makes me feel foolish for worrying so much.

Is therapy too big of a first step? I feel like we have a lot of things to talk about and I am concerned about presenting my feelings on all of this to him on my own in case it feels like an attack/coming out of nowhere. Still, I think my worry is justified. It’s a lot for a couple to deal with all at once, and if we’re going to take a step as big as moving in together, I think these things should be addressed thoroughly and with an outside, unbiased perspective.

I would greatly appreciate your input, and the input of your readers.

Thanks again,

Therapy, Or?

DEAR THERAPY, OR: I picked your letter, TO, because one of the things I want to drive home to folks is that couples counseling isn’t just for couples in crisis. A lot of people see talking to a counselor as something you only do when things have gone horribly horribly wrong and you can’t fix it on your own. Of course, once they get to that point, there are often many issues to deal with – issues that may never have gotten to that point if you’d addressed them earlier.

Think of your relationship like a car. Occasionally you’ll get a knocking sound, the engine will feel like it’s off or the check engine light comes on. Many times it’s nothing; other times, that’s the first indicator that something needs to be tweaked. If you leave it, it might go away on its own or it might just stay as a quirk of the car. But other times, that minor problem is the precursor to a larger, much more significant problem… something that could even do serious damage to vital systems. That’s why it’s generally a good idea to take the car in and make sure everything’s fine.

So it is with relationships. Often the best time to deal with an issue is early on, before it grows into something more significant that may affect the other aspects of your relationship.

Right now you and your sweetie have some minor concerns – the relationship version of a weird knocking sound. Are these issues that will definitely affect your relationship? Maybe yes, maybe no. Going to talk to a counselor – even if it’s just to reassure yourself that everything is fine – can make a huge difference.

Plus: part of what a good relationship counselor does is facilitate conversations, especially difficult ones. They help you figure out just what it is you need to say and help you say it in a place where you can feel free to express yourself. Having someone guide you through those conversations may help make things proceed much more smoothly than they might otherwise. Plus, it can help give you the tools you both need to address your needs in the future… a way of dealing with that check-engine light if you will.

I don’t think that what you’re asking for is too much, TO. It seems pretty sensible and reasonable to me from where I sit. All I would suggest is that you make sure you choose a good, sex-positive counselor, especially if you’re going to want to talk about your feelings about your different levels of sexual experience. Fortunately, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT.org)has a referral directory on their site to help you find a certified professional in your area.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 21 year old male, I go to college, go to work, just your normal everyday man. I need help understanding why this woman isn’t interested in me anymore.

It all started at my buddy’s house, let’s call him Alpha. Alpha and I were discussing how my dating life is going. I told him n,ot so good, I’m looking for someone to be with. Out of nowhere he texts this girl, Chi, he knows and puts in a good word about me. She and I graduated from high-school together, but I never really gave her much thought. Turns out that she lives right behind me, so I figured “Why not, let’s give it a shot, I might have a diamond in the rough here.”

When she responded to Alpha, she said she thought I was very good looking, which was enough for me to decide contact her. I text her and we hit it off, everything’s great. We text for a couple of days and eventually I asked her out to dinner. She said yes. We went to dinner and had one hell of a good time, the chemistry seemed to work perfectly. At the end the night, we go back to my house and where we’re cuddling in bed, making out, watching movies and drinking wine through the late night. Eventually I dropped her off at her place. We both had a great time and we’re already making future plans to see each other again.

We continue texting each other morning till night for the next couple of days. We’re flirting and sharing and deep thoughts about one another via text and how good that date was. Eventually we hung out again at her house – two days ago, in fact. I show up at her house, we go up in her room, I help her with some homework and we just watch some romantic comedies on Netflix. During all of this, it feels like we have the same amount of energy and connection as we did on the first date. I meet her parents, had a great conversation, they seemed to like me. At the end of the night, I said my goodbyes and went home.

The next morning we started texting like usual, when all the sudden out of nowhere she sends me this: “I don’t want to waste your time and I think you’re such a great person, you did nothing wrong, but I’m not in the right mindset to talk to someone right now. I’m going thru a lot of stuff w myself and I don’t think I am ready for any sort of relationship. I would love to stay friends with you because I think you are such an amazing person. I am seriously so so sorry you did absolutely nothing wrong”. Immediately I start to freak out as I have become extremely emotionally invested in this girl. I’ve never had chemistry like this with anyone before. Yeah, we have only been talking for less than a week mind you but this is the first time I have been with a girl in 3 years. I have not received any sort of attention or affection from any women, so I guess you could say I was all over that like a mouse on cheese, I’m a sap for that stuff.

My main problem here is that everything seemed to be going picture perfect, just like out of a movie, when out of nowhere, Chi sends me that text that she isn’t interested and I’m just left here to pick up the pieces. What the hell, this always happens, I start talking to a girl we hit it off great talk about how much we like each other and at the end I always end up my goddamn heart played with. All I want at this point in time is someone I can call my own, something to come home to. Who knows, maybe my mindset does not represent my current age.

I’m hoping maybe you could shed a different perspective on this.

It’s Not Her, It’s Me

DEAR IT’S NOT HER, IT’S ME: Alright, a couple of things, my dude.

First of all: I am sympathetic to the fact that this is the first serious date you’ve had in a few years. I get it. It feels like you’ve been dying of thirst in the desert and suddenly you found an oasis. But, dude. For real. You’ve been on a grand total of two dates. You’ve known her for a week. The level of despair you’re expressing here is seriously out of line with the nature and depth of the relationship. Getting “hey, thanks but no thanks” after two dates is annoying, yeah. Frustrating, for sure. It may even make you grind your teeth and wonder what the hell happened. But freaking out and declaring that your heart’s been shattered into a thousand pieces?

No. Just… no, dude.

Now I can’t tell you just what happened. I wasn’t there to silently observe your date like The Watcher, nor can I read her mind to tell you just what happened  and why she suddenly seems to have gone cold on you. But based on your letter and a lifetime of experience, I’ve got a theory or two.

First of all, it’s entirely possible that it’s exactly like she said. She likes you, she really dug the chemistry you two had and had a lot of fun on your dates… but she knows herself well enough to know that she’s not in a place where she could really date someone. She can’t offer you the kind of relationship that you want and it would be unfair for her to let you live in hope of something that could never be. As such, she needs to be cruel to be kind – inflicting the necessary pain of letting you down now to spare you the lingering and deeper pain of having to reject you in the future. You know… at a time when it’d be more reasonable to be emotionally invested in her.

The other theory is that, well… you’re not the most objective participant in this. Sure, you had a first date that went gang-busters. But the second date… it may have felt amazing to you, but it wasn’t as magical for her. It could just as easily be that yeah she thinks you’re a good guy and she had a great date with you, but that second date may have confirmed for her that she’s just not feeling it.

And it’s certainly possible that, frankly, she could tell that you were way the hell more into her than is reasonable and that set off her Spidey-sense. That is going to wig people out, even if they like you. One of the keys for being somebody worth dating is that you have to have good emotional intelligence. That means, among other things, that you don’t decide that you’re in love after one or two dates. Yeah, I get that it can feel intoxicating, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve had a good date… but you need to have enough presence of mind to recognize that this is just an emotional high, not a sign from the cosmos.

And honestly this seems like it’s a pattern for you. If this “always happens” and you always get your heart shattered after one or two dates, then it’s likely that you need to seriously slow your roll when it comes to meeting people. I get that you want a serious relationship, but running full-tilt-boogie into every date like it’s your last is a great way to spook folks.

Now I’m not saying that you need to try to force yourself to not feel. That never works; all that happens is you bottle things up and the pressure builds until it explodes. What you need to do is to stop letting these emotions control you. Feel them, sure… but remind yourself that these feelings are ephemeral and the intensity is only in contrast to how lonely you’ve been feeling. Take some deep breaths, get re-centered and start to recognize the difference between excitement and a love to last the ages. The more you start to get a handle on your emotions and your expectations, the easier it’ll be for you to keep your head when you do meet someone who wants the same things you do.

It’s not a guarantee that you won’t hear “it’s not you, it’s me.” But it does mean that it won’t destroy you every time – or scare off potential partners – like it does now.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been married for a little over a year, together for almost two years. My spouse and I both have a history of abuse and sexual assault. Our sex life is complicated, and consent is HUGE for us.

I got pregnant only a month or so into our marriage, and when I started to show, my husband’s libido took a nosedive. He said it was just too weird knowing there was a baby in my stomach. That wasn’t a big deal at first.

Now it’s nine months later. Our baby is five months old and sleeping through the night. I’m back to my pre-pregnancy dress size. My husband and I have only had sex five times in those nine months, and I’m lonely!

This isn’t an issue I’ve ever had before, because my libido is very very low. We used to have sex once every two or three weeks, and that was fine. Now we hardly even kiss.

This isn’t something I can fix with masturbation, because it’s not about orgasms. I don’t actually enjoy those. It’s the bonding sensation of sex that I miss, but I worry that if I bring this up to my husband, he’s going to feel pressured into sex. I don’t want him to feel as if he has to do anything he doesn’t want. What can I do?

Sexless in Seattle

DEAR SEXLESS IN SEATTLE: We live in a fairly sex-negative culture, SiS. We’re taught that sex is holy and sacred but also that sex is a contest of wills. That men want sex and women don’t and that these two desires are in conflict. That men who don’t want sex are weird and women who do are damaged and broken. And part of the way that this screws with people’s heads is that some guys get weird about pregnancy and becoming parents. Lousy sex-ed means that they don’t understand how vaginas and uteruses work and they think that they’re going to bump into the fetus with their dicks. Conflicting messages about who they’re supposed to bang and who they’re supposed to marry creates weird dichotomies between the “good” ones who they’re supposed to marry and the “bad” ones they can have wild and crazy sex with but would never settle down with. And if they’re in the room and see the baby being born, then they might have a minor freak out. Suddenly this part of you that until now has been about sex and intimacy and pleasure just pushed out a kid and their world view has changed. Now they can’t reconcile the image of the baby being born with the image of the sex they’ve been having and it shorts out their libido.

Even good, progressive dudes run into this problem. They see their partners as sexual beings, partners-in-crime who have crazy, swinging-from-the-chandeliers adventures… until they marry or have kids. Now that they’re parents, they see their partners as “the mother of my children”, ignoring that she’s the exact same person she was before. Marriage and parenthood becomes the death of sexual adventure because “dude, she’s a mom“.

I suspect that’s what’s going on here, SiS. I think your husband is having a hard time reconciling the idea of you as a sexual being with the idea of you being a mother. And while he may snap out of this on his own, the truth is that right now, you’re feeling a distinct loss of intimacy and connection, even if sex isn’t involved.

Now, I understand why you’re hesitant to bring this up to him. It’s admirable that you don’t want him to feel pressured into doing something he may not want to do, especially considering that you both have a history as victims of abuse. But at the same time, you have a right to advocate for your needs. And your husband may not realize that you have those needs if you don’t tell him.

So I think what you need to do is pull him aside for an Awkward Conversation. Carve out time to actually talk this out – time that you reserve specifically for this conversation. Start by explaining why you’ve been hesitant to bring this up: you don’t want him to feel pressured and why.  Then explain that you are feeling disconnected from him and missing that sense of intimacy and connection. Next, lay out just what you think would make things better – more casual contact, more cuddling, more kissing and physical togetherness even if sex isn’t involved. Let him know why you think things will be better if you do this. And then… give him his turn. Let him share his thoughts about what’s going on and how he’s feeling.

And after you’ve talked things out… consider having some non-sexual cuddle-time, where the two of you just lay there and snuggle with no expectations of more. Having some time to just physically reconnect without the potential pressure of sex may help reaffirm those bonds. And the simple act of being physical with one another may also help him remember that you’re a sexual being too… and reignite some of those fires while the two of you are at it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve always found myself terrible when it comes to dating, I went through school without ever being in a serious relationship and watching all my friends sort of meet their partners along the way. At age 20 I went to university and started to get a little worried about not meeting anyone who I truly clicked with and them BAM, when I came home for my first year I met someone on Tinder who seemed to tick every box, after going on several dates I asked her out and she said yes.

Sounds wonderful I guess, but then she herself went off to university too, and her course seems to be a lot more time consuming than mine, so spending time with her has become difficult due to her always being busy. Me and her have been working long distance, but I’m finding it’s being much harder than I anticipated, but I genuinely do enjoy spending time with her when I actually get to, albeit as little as it is.

I presume it sounds like your standard long-distance complaint at this point, but it since I started my second year of university I’ve found another girl who has started to display a lot of signs of affection towards me, despite me having mentioned my current relationship to her before. Me and her seem to get along very well, but I still find myself feeling slightly worried when I talk to her, particularly if we’re alone or anything. Recently I’ve found myself torn between these two, unsure whether I just happened to jump at the first opportunity I had for a relationship. I’m not going to sugarcoat it now: being long distance is a lot of work, which has got me thinking that maybe I’m just enjoying being coveted by a woman who lives much more locally for once. But I find myself unsure of what to do in this situation. I don’t want to be some kind of two-timer or cheat on my girlfriend, but I honestly do find myself enjoying spending time with both women in question, the only difference being one lives hours away and I never see and one I see much more regularly and lives closer, or maybe this is just me being tempted by someone else because I’m in a long distance relationship and want someone closer? PLEASE HELP?

Emotionally Confuzzled

DEAR EMOTIONALLY CONFUZZLED: What’s going on is pretty simple: you’re a human. You’ve got an attractive person right there with you, giving you attention. That’s going to make you feel pretty damn good. It flatters your ego, it revs up your sex drive and you’re starting to think about whether it’s better to go with sure thing or the potential-if-not-guaranteed option.

Regardless of any underlying relationship issues you may have or any intention of actually acting on those issues, a pretty woman giving you attention and valuing you company is going to trigger a psychological phenomena known as The Reward Theory of Attraction. She makes you feel good and therefor you’re going to instinctively prioritize your relationship with her. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is fairly distant and you only get to see her rarely. That and the natural difficulties that come with a long-distance relationship mean that the benefits of your relationship with her aren’t necessarily outweighing the drawbacks.

Now, don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that your relationship with with your girlfriend isn’t as valuable or valid or worth it as the one you currently have with your friend. It just means that right now, it’s completely understandable that one is more tempting than the other. That’s just part of the human experience.

So what do you do about this? Well… frankly, you’re going to have to make that decision yourself. Does the distance and the inconvenience of a long-distance relationship outweigh the time you do spend with your girlfriend? It’s ok if it is; maintaining a long-distance relationship is difficult, especially when your schedules mean that you rarely get to talk or see each other. Breaking up because the distance was an insurmountable is very understandable. The fact that you’re already interested in somebody who’s close at hand doesn’t make you the bad guy either; it just means that this made you realize that the distance and inconvenience bothered you more than you realized it would.

At the same time, there’s no guarantees that a relationship with the woman at your university is going to do any better. Right now, she’s new and shiny and there’s the thrill of novelty and what the poly community calls New Relationship Energy. That glow can disguise or cause people to overlook relationship deal-breakers that would otherwise disqualify this woman from your dating pool. Or it’s possible that this relationship simply won’t work out in the long term for whatever reason. You have no real way of knowing, except by rolling the dice.

The only thing I will say is that if you’re exclusive with your girlfriend – and I mean that you’ve actually stated this instead of just letting be unsaid – that you end things with her before starting anything up with the other woman. Similarly, if you’re going to stay with your girlfriend, let your other friend know this is why you’re dialing things back.

Ending either relationship doesn’t say anything about you as a person or about the success or failure of your relationship with that person. The fact that you didn’t die in the saddle (as it were) doesn’t mean that your relationship with your girlfriend was a failure. After all, every relationship you’re in will end, until one doesn’t. If you’re able to be cordial, if not friends with them afterwards and look back on your time with them fondly, then that relationship wasn’t a failure; it just means that it came to its natural conclusion.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently a senior in college, and I’m spending the next year studying abroad in a rural area in Japan. The thing is, that I’m 23 now and until this year I’ve never had any kind of intimacy with a woman, and I really feel it’s holding me back daily. This last year I have made leaps and bounds in making progress and being more forward about my interest instead of playing the “nice” guy friend that hides his intentions. Even when I’m busy I see around me constantly couples and it kind of burns me out. I am my own person, and do things, and I can make friends easily, but I can’t become anything more ever. The intimacy I speak of is just maybe a kiss, if that, and then I don’t hear from them again. I just can’t get girls to stick around and it really makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

The culture is also a bit of a stepping stone, as I’m a black male here and there is kind of a bad stereotype about us here, and so I feel like I have to strive to be nicer to get people to trust me, and then I end up not being interesting. It is so hard to find the middle ground, because as much as my friends say don’t worry about it, it’s very much a real thing here when meeting people in an outside social group. On another note, since the culture is different should I conform to it, is the question I ask myself daily, because it’s simply the opposite than American culture, as they have a strong “inside” vs. “outside” mentality, and it makes this problem already a bit more difficult to handle.

This makes me cut off people extremely quick, much more than I used to do, so I run out of friends/romantic interests. I used to wish I didn’t have feelings and life would be so much easier, but I know that’s not an option so I’m just trying to find a way to deal with feelings that should be natural, but I can’t fulfill them. I know there is no reason not for me to be able to reach these goals, but I just have no idea about what I’m doing, just what I feel.

Is there any advice you might have for me, Doc? I’m not blaming anyone but myself on this, but just getting to a better place instead of remaining in the same old area is my foremost objective. I want to be more fulfilled in my life and really enjoy my experience here rather than feeling like I’m in the wrong place.

- Annoyingly Messed Up

DEAR ANNOYINGLY MESSED UP: There’re a few questions buried in here, AMU. Let’s roll it from the top, ok?

To start with: you’re socially inexperienced and – reading between some fairly obvious lines – a virgin. That’s not a big deal unless you make it one. I totally get that you’re feeling left behind and looking at the happy couples around you with envy, but it’s that feeling that you need to catch up is going to trip you up. When you’re focused on this one part of yourself like a laser, you’re going to tense up and that’s going to make it harder to do anything else successfully. Think of it like playing video games; there’s that one spot you can’t get past and the more that you focus on your frustration, the worse you end up doing. Then, when you take a break, do something else and come back to it later when you’re refreshed, you blow straight past it like it’s nothing.

That’s what’s going on with you right now. You’re trying to get past this one area  and it’s frustrating you so much that you’re starting to slip up on stuff you know you can handle. So take a deep breath, relax and just… be. Don’t try to get a girlfriend or experience. Just live your life in such a way that it lets you be the cool, fun and interesting person you know you can be. You’ll have your opportunities to date, kiss, screw and everything else and it will all come much more easily when you stop focusing on what you don’t have and enjoy what you do.

I mean, come on! You’re studying abroad in Japan! How freaking cool is that? You’re going to have all sorts of experiences and adventures on that trip that’ll lead to some awesome stories later. Hell, I missed my chance to do that in college (ironically, because I had a girlfriend… and I really shouldn’t have) so I’m jealous of you right now.

Now straight talk: being a foreigner in a very socially homogenous culture like Japan means you’re going to stand out like a sore thumb and some people are going to treat you like an oddity. This doubly and triply so as an African-American in a rural area. And in fairness: Japan’s got issues when it comes to racial stereotypes, especially when it comes to black people, and (again) when you get outside of the large metropolitan areas, you may well be the first black person some of them will ever have seen outside of TV or movies. That’s going to lead to some seriously uncomfortable moments at times and I can imagine that there will be times you’re going to feel the need to slap on a grin and pretend that it doesn’t bother you nearly as much as it really does.

But at the same time: being nice to others isn’t the same as being boring. You don’t have to present a bland version of yourself to fit in or be accepted; it just means being patient and understanding. You can be a pleasant person without being passive or a milquetoast or pretending that you don’t have a personality. Adapting to the local culture as best you can is one of the best ways to do this; making the effort not only shows respect, but doing so will make others feel more comfortable in your company. I suspect that being quick to cut people off means you’re cutting people out of your life who might otherwise be pretty damn cool once they get the chance to know you and vice versa. Yes, there’s going to be adjustments and there’s going to be people who deserve to be cut off… but not everyone does.

But more than anything else, you need to relax. You’re in the middle of what can be an awesome adventure if you give it half a chance. If you’re caught up in whether or not you have had – or are going to find – a relationship, you’re going to miss out on so damn much. Let things be and just focus on enjoying everything that your situation has to offer. Enjoy getting to experience another culture in such an intimate, immersive way. Embrace the culture, explore the area and take full advantage of being a college student abroad. Right now you want to collect experiences and stories and just be your natural awesome self. That will serve you far better – and make you a more interesting, attractive person – in the long run. And that will help you find the intimacy and relationships that you’re longing for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)