DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Am I asexual, aromantic, or am I trying to label myself to provide an excuse for my inexperience?

I’m a dude in my 20’s and I’ve never been in a relationship, on a date, or even watched porn. But I don’t think I’m asexual because I masturbate weekly using my imagination or softcore erotic literature, but anything with genitals or sexual acts really turns me off. I’ve gone months without masturbating because I don’t usually derive pleasure from it, only a sensation of release. I do mentally notice attractive woman, but I also haven’t had a crush on anyone since high school. I’ve tried dating apps, but never met anyone from one and I’ve never come close to asking out anyone in person.

Every week, when I call my parents and grandparents, they ask if I’ve “met” anyone, and frankly I’m ambivalent if I want to. I have what I consider a happy life: hobbies I enjoy, my dream job as a scientist, and friends that I appreciate. I do often feel lonely, exacerbated since I’ve moved halfway across the country, but I don’t think its lonely because I’m loveless, more of an existential we are all alone on a darkling plain. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship so maybe I just don’t know what I’m talking about?

There are a lot of reasons I justify to myself not trying to get in a relationship: I hate being touched, months usually go by between physical contact more substantial than a handshake. I’m very introverted; I’m outgoing at parties and gatherings, but I then feel drained. I’m also very private. I don’t talk about myself at all if I can help it, and hate confiding anything to anyone, but will happily chat about movies or politics or whatever.

Additionally, I’m a member of a small ancient religious community that is quite endogenous and I’m very committed to my faith. Even worse from a number’s perspective, I’m a member of a caste that can only marry co-religionists, even converts don’t make the cut. And I know dating doesn’t equal marriage, but it still feels wrong.

From an outsider’s perspective a relationship seems to be more of a burden than a boon. One of my worst flaws is a tendency to get annoyed with other people quickly. When I spend extended periods of time with anyone, even the people I’m closest to: my siblings, good friends, etc., I have a great time initially, but friction builds up over little things and I stop having fun. I don’t see why a romantic relationship would be any different. Finally, I’m just so accustomed to doing everything alone that it would require major disruptive changes to a routine I like.

But everyone else I know seems to enjoy their relationships! And as a good scientist I’m all about testing hypotheses. I know that if I wanted a relationship I’d have to expend serious effort, but there lies the crux of the problem: Would I actually enjoy a relationship but haven’t experienced one yet because of inexperience and laziness OR am I not temperamentally suited for relationships because I’m asexual or aromantic and I should just stop worrying about familial and societal judgement? More succinctly: Should I at least give romance a try before determining it’s not for me?

-Ace or Joker

DEAR ACE OR JOKER: Here’s the thing about sexuality, AoJ: it doesn’t come on a spectrum so much as a multi-axis graph. Over time, we as a society have refined our ideas of sex, sexuality and sexual identity and orientation. We started off with a relatively rigid binary – gay or straight – before we began to realize that there was a third option with bisexuality. But even then, we started to discover that it wasn’t really a case of binaries but a spectrum. Some people preferred partners of one gender but very occasionally would be attracted to someone of a different gender. Some folks tended to date one gender but would frequently have casual sex with another gender and so forth and so on.

But even then, we started to recognize that this wasn’t strictly the truth. There were folks who were sexually attracted to people of various genders but only fell in love with people of one gender. And of course, as our understanding of gender started to broaden so did our definition of who was attracted to whom and pansexuality became more of an understood and accepted sexual identity. So now what seemed like a case of two points and then a line turned out, in fact, to be a plane.

With the way our understanding of sexuality and gender advances it’s like not too much longer before we recognize that it’s… I dunno, like, Mandelbrot sexuality fractals or something.

But the way our ideas and understanding of sexuality has broadened from a binary to a graph alsoapplies to asexuality. We used to assume that asexuality was an aberration, a medical issue. Then we began to understand it as a sexual orientation for many… but even then, there were ace people and allosexual people. But… there were folks who were in the middle, people who did feel sexual attraction but rarely or only in specific contexts and so our understanding broadened. But then there were also folks who masturbate but not out of a sense of libido or arousal, folks who are ok on their own but find sexual contact to be unpleasant or unwelcome, folks who have sex with their partners because their partners enjoy it but they don’t…

Just as with other forms of sexuality, we’re discovering that asexuality is wider and more varied than we suspected before. This, of course, leads lots of folks to wonder just… what exactly are they? Are they sure they’re ace? Because what if they’re wrong? Does this thing they do disqualify them from being asexual?

Now, your lack of interest in sex with other people – even if you masturbate and use softcore porn – sounds to me like you fall on the ace graph… but that’s more for you to decide. So the first thing I would suggest is that you visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network; they have a number of resources, FAQs and forums that can help you start to find answers to some of your questions about your sexuality.

However, it sounds to me like you have a couple of things going on, many of which don’t have anything to do with asexuality at all. The issues you have surrounding relationships, for example, are separate from your sexual identity. Whether someone’s asexual doesn’t mean, for example, that they’re alsouninterested in relationships. Plenty of ace folks want love and intimacy and companionship, even cuddling and kissing. They just don’t want the “mash your genitals together” bits. Similarly, there’re folks who are sexual but just don’t like relationships. And of course, there’re folks who don’t mind them but find it all to be a massive pain in the ass that they don’t want to bother with.

It sounds to me like you’re one of the latter – at least in terms of relationships, AoJ. You’ve got a lot of complications in your life that make them difficult, but it also sounds like temperamentally, you’re not feeling like it’s worth the effort to try to work around or through them. And if you’re content living that way… well, shit, man, you do you. I get that the pressure from your folks and society can be immense, but it sounds to me like you feel like you should try a relationship out of a sense of obligation, rather than a genuine desire. That’s, in all honesty, a pretty bad reason to get into a relationship. There really aren’t any epic love stories that start with “Well I guess I have to do this”, after all. Trying to force yourself into a relationship with someone isn’t fair to them – especially if they’re entering into one with the expectation that their feelings will be returned – and it’s unfair to you.

If you were feeling like something was missing or that you longed for love, companionship or intimacy greater than you get with you friends, then I’d say give it a try. Date casually with folks who know that you’re not looking for anything right now and see if anything develops. If you want to try to address those flaws you mentioned or want to find out how you can work around your routines so that friendships and romantic relationships wouldn’t be so disruptive, then it may be worth talking to a therapist. But to be perfectly blunt, it doesn’t sound like you want that. You may not be ‘typical’ but you ain’t broken either and if it ain’t broke, then it doesn’t need “fixing”. If you’re satisfied with your life – even if it’s not the typical life society says you should have – then there’s really no reason not to keep on keeping on.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if you could maybe help me. You see, what has happened is I’ve fallen for a woman (who, for the record, lives in my country) who I had become penpals with.

We started off chatting on an online penpals site and really hit it off. We were laughing, joking and generally having fun writing and sending photos to each other. In fact, we were having so much fun that our letters became unwieldy long. As a result, we decided to move it on to social media to make keeping in touch easier. The last one I sent took over 3 hours to write, so as you can tell we were talking a lot!

A few weeks passed, and I slowly started to feel as though that she might be someone I could maybe date. She had started opening up and sending love hearts and what have you and I genuinely thought she was interested in me too. Especially since she was the only person to say Happy Valentine’s Day to me and vice versa, and we had a bit of flirty banter here and there. Plus she was pretty much my ideal woman, smart, artistic, shared interests, funny.

So I took a shot and said that I found her fun and that I would like to know if I could maybe take her out on a date sometime. She said it was sweet of me to say but we should meet up first before dating properly. I agreed and said that was fine. I had a free weekend from work coming up and thought I’d mention it. When I said I was free the next weekend I then got ignored for about 3/4 hours… And I thought “Oh no, you’ve blown it”. 

I sent what I thought would be the last message saying something on the lines of “look, I don’t think you’re thinking the same as me, I was wondering if you were still ok to talk to each other.” She replied back, but only to the talking part, to which she said yes we are ok.

Another week passes and I try again by bringing up maybe meeting up to hang out. At this point, it’s been a month. She is still being nice (sending love hearts and stuff) and I’m still not too sure if she’s interested in me as a potential date or not so I thought I’d ask if she wanted to meet up for coffee. Something nice and simple nothing too flashy or formal. To which she said she’d love to but she was too busy, and she didn’t have another date which was free that she could think of.

So I start to think that maybe I’ve been miss reading signals. I have been known to do that in the past, and with this all being via text, I had not a lot to go on anyway. She had mentioned about maybe Skype or talking on the phone, but when I asked if she wanted to talk on the phone the only time she said she was too busy.

About another week later, in a sort of bumbling way, I finally find out that she’s not looking for a relationship with anyone yet, she’s happy as she is with no boyfriend and enjoying life. Something she probably could have told me weeks earlier, but didn’t for reasons I’m still not sure about. She still wants to be friends, she knows I like her, and she still wants to meet up and hang out at some point when she’s not as busy.

I mean I like her alot and would love to date her but if we can only be friends then that’s ok too. 

However I’m getting mixed advice from friends and family. On one side I have the “You’re just friends, find someone else to have a relationship with” camp, on the other side I have “Your friends, she’s not ready to date… YET! She may change her mind”. Meanwhile I’m stuck in the middle not sure what to do. 

I mean she hasn’t said that dating me would be off the cards or I’m not her type or anything… But if she’s not looking then there isn’t much I can do dating wise is there? And is she really bothered about meeting up anyway? She says she does but is she just trying to be nice and let me down gently or is she genuinely too busy because I’m really not sure.

Wait A Minute Mr. Postman

DEAR WAIT A MINUTE MR. POSTMAN: Hoo boy. You don’t give an age, WAMMP but man you sound really young. So let me give you some advice now that will help you over the course of your life.

She’s already given you an answer. Her answer was “no”. All of those barriers she set up between you and the idea of dating? The “we should meet in person first,” the “I’m just so busy I don’t have any time,” and the just plain ignoring the question? All of those are what’s known as “soft no’s”, ways of turning somebody down gently without directly saying “No, I don’t want to date you”. Even in 2019, women are taught that being direct with men is rude – and potentially dangerous – and they’re supposed to consider his feelings before their own. As a result, instead of directly turning someone down, women will give a socially plausible reason why they can’t see someone or go on a date with them. It’s a way of declining the invitation without it being anybody’s fault; oh such bad luck that we couldn’t make this happen, it’s not you, it’s not me, it’s the universe, nothing to be done about it.

This is what your pen pal has been doing; she’s been giving you soft no after soft no in hopes that you’d pick up on what she was actually saying and drop the subject. Since you didn’t get the message, she told you that she wasn’t interested in dating anyone yet – more direct, but still a soft no. Because what she’s saying isn’t “I’m not ready for you, but I will be in the future,” what she’s saying is “I’m not interested in dating you.” That “yet” doesn’t mean “But stay on the line and you’ll get the next available opening”, it means “at some point in the future I will be dating someone else.”

Your friends and family in that first camp are correct: you and she are friends, not potential romantic partners. And that’s fine. Friendship isn’t the consolation prize of relationships; it’s friendship. But if you want to maintain that friendship, you’re going to have to accept that this is all you have. You’re going to be better off to find someone else to date. And, preferably, someone who you’ve actually met in person.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if you had any advice on getting to create one on one time with girls I like and am attracted to, especially when group dynamics and petty drama comes into play.

I’m a pretty nerdy guy but well put together enough that I’m not awkward. Because of this I come across the same problem in most of the nerdy circles I’m in constantly. I get left out or cut out of conversations involving any attractive girl in the group or one of her extended friends. Concurrently, for some events I’m not even invited because I apparently rocked the boat too much or cause a disturbance within the force.

Also for girls in general I sometimes get interrupted by her friends who don’t have anything malicious against me as a person, but I always get stuck with these bulls

t reasons.

1. “You two don’t look good together”

2. “This other guy who I approve of likes her/called dibs first”

3. “I’m jealous of the attention she gets so I’m gonna ruin your time.”

4. “I’m just super nosy and want to know every detail” (I refuse to tell because I value personal conversation and they start getting mad at me)

5. I get interrogated about my personal life even though I tell them I’m uncomfortable talking about my family to a stranger, let alone a massive nosy gossip.

I actually talked to some of my friends (my closer and more honest ones) about this, male and female, concerned if I did something that made them uncomfortable or if I pissed them off by accident.

Most of them literally said that nothing was wrong, but this guy or that guy didn’t like you talking to the girl he liked, so he didn’t want to invite you. Or this girl doesn’t want you there flirting with her friend because she ships her with someone else. Or the more unattractive girl (in my eyes) likes you so she keeps intervening when you talk to her friend. Girls are competitive that way.

Other cases I have had guys try to keep me from meeting a new girl when they try to join the club or social group. Like literal usher them away when they hear I’m nearby and that leaves a bad impression of me. Girls who I meet later tell me they thought I was creepy from the way guys acted around me but actually think I’m pretty nice.

Then soon after the girl at some point disappears because one of the guys pulled nice guy tactics and confess to her. Some of the guys don’t take rejection lightly. (Also, I try contacting them because I usually get her number, but up until that point I realize we never really had much one on one interactions and she is still uncomfortable enough around me that she doesn’t want to hangout one on one.)

Its honestly petty as hell, and it’s difficult for me because we are all single and I’m not trying to be the nuisance in the room. I’ve tried going outside my social circles to date, but I sometimes don’t click with some of the girls I meet and in my search for some common ground to talk about they can tell I’m trying to flirt or get to know them so they are on guard. In comparison to when we have common interests and have a reason to interact with each other because of the club or organization we are in.

But how am I supposed to get a girlfriend and date when I can’t even get much of an opportunity to have a more personal conversation. It feel like a loop because when I ask for a one on one hangout they usually say we haven’t really talked to each other before so they are uncomfortable. And I can’t do that with these nice guys and their nosy friends around.

And don’t get me wrong the guys are overall good people but I dislike they way they go about things and tolerate bulls

t from each other. I try calling things out sometimes and get told to let it go or I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I can empathize, but I can’t tolerate the crap. What am I supposed to do, lie down and stay quiet until they all get girlfriends?

-Shut Out at the Gate

DEAR SHUT OUT AT THE GATE: I’m not gonna lie, SOatG: your letter falls into the category I call “Not Sure If Bulls

t, Or I’m Just Old”. The idea that people are going to swoop in to blow up your conversation with someone because they ship (a fandom term, meaning “want to see X character have a relationship with Y character”) them with someone else is… well, the sort of thing that I’d expect to find in bad shoujo manga, not real life.  But I was curious, so  I put out the call on the DNL Facebook and Twitter pages to see if anyone else had folks try to blow up their interactions because they shipped that person with someone else. And damned if people didn’t say that they’d had this happened to them before. So apparently this isn’t completely unheard of.

All that having been said, I don’t think that’s your problem. The truth is that while occasionally you’ll get the meddling friend or the person who’s jealous of the attention her friend is getting, those are outliers. They’re the exceptions. When guys get “cockblocked” by a woman’s friends, what has almost always happened is that either she gave the “get me out of here” sign or they could see that she’s uncomfortable and moved in for the rescue. Unless you’re dealing with somebody who escaped from a bad CW show where they only have frenemies, people are usually happy for their friends when they find someone cool to hook up with. At the very least, they’ll let them do their thing because hey, everybody involved is a consenting, grown-ass adult.

It’s also not as though the women you’re talking to have no agency of their own. They’re perfectly capable of giving their friends the wave-off, finding you again and striking up the conversation again or – if necessary – telling their friend to step the hell off and let her conduct her own affairs. The fact that none of these women push back against their friends getting involved or are re-engaging you in conversation later is somewhat telling.

Frankly if this is happening to you every time, then the odds are that you’re setting people’s Spidey-sense tingling. I mean, if you’re consistently getting squeezed out and you’re not getting invited to various events because you’ve caused problems… either you’ve managed to find a group that is nothing but assholes or you’re doing something very wrong. If one person calls you a horse, you met a crazy person. If three people call you a horse, it’s time to do some self-examination. If five people call you a horse, it’s time to consider getting fit for a saddle.

To be blunt, some of the things you describe don’t exactly paint you in a flattering light and it would really be helpful if you’d included some examples. What, exactly, do you mean by valuing personal conversation? What are you saying to people that they get angry at you? Most people aren’t going to blow up at you because you’re not giving every single detail of your existence.

Now I can see some dudes – especially if everyone is young and socially awkward and there’re relatively few women in the group – getting aggressive and s

tty towards a newcomer they might see as a threat. Doubly so if they have an interest in that particular woman. But again, this isn’t just an isolated incident; this is over and over again.

If you were to ask me what you’re doing wrong… well, my first thought would be that somewhere along the lines, you’re triggering people’s creep-dar. It would do you some good to do a check and make sure that you’re not creeping people out by accident; it’s possible that some behaviors that you think are perfectly normal and innocent are coming across in ways that you never intended.

The other thing I suspect is that you’re putting too much emphasis on trying to get people alone. If you’re the dude at the party or the Meetup or the gathering who’s always trying to get someone to come with him somewhere else, folks are going to look askance. I get that you’d prefer having some privacy but the truth is that when you’re meeting people in social venues like parties or get-togethers, then you’re going to have to be able to handle groups. Part of how you avoid getting squeezed out by her friends is by winning them over. You don’t need to be their new BFF, but you do want to show them that you’re a good guy. If they feel like you’re someone cool – in the sense of “oh yeah, Shut Out At The Gate, he seems cool” – then they’re not going to treat you like a threat. Plus, by focusing on the group as a whole instead of giving all of your attention to the woman you’re interested in, you don’t come off as someone who’s only there to hit on people.

And here’s a tip: you don’t need actual privacy to get one-on-one time with someone. You can get effective privacy by simply positioning yourself so that you (or your new person of interest) have your back turned to the group. This way you feel like you’re in your own separate conversation without having to pull her away. This means that you feel like you have more privacy, while her friends don’t worry that you’ve dragged her off to a dark corner for nefarious purposes.

But honestly, dude, I think the people you need to talk to are some of the folks in the group, not your friends. They’re the ones who know the dynamics more than your buds do and hopefully they’ll be able to give you more of a low-down on just what exactly is going on.

In the meantime though: start working on that self-examination and self-awareness. The sooner you start getting an idea where things are going wrong, the sooner you’ll be able to fix it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: About 6 months ago, I started dating a woman I’ll call M. She is amazing–a fellow gamer, funny as hell, smart and sexy. Pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted or dreamed of in a girl! We have a blast when we’re together (which is most of the time–she even spends most nights at my apartment, to the point that people assume we live together) and life is awesome with her.

The problem is that we’re not exclusive. Or, to be more accurate, we ARE exclusive, but she won’t say so. Neither of us are seeing anyone else, and we both admit that we don’t have any desire to see anyone else, but she doesn’t want to label us as a serious relationship. I’ve met her family and I’ve met her friends, and she always says we’re dating but phrases it in a very casual way. I don’t feel casual about her, and based on how she acts and the things she says to me, she’s in the same boat, but she’s adamant that we are not a committed couple.

(P.S., in case anyone wonders, she’s not trying to string me along or hide me from another relationship or from her friends–everyone knows we’re together and she has no problem saying that we’re dating. It’s just that she keeps putting the “casual” disclaimer on it.)

A couple of months after we got together, I manned up and used my words to ask about this, and she told me that she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship because she was still working through her grief over the death of her twin sister, J, a year before we got together. I knew both M and J at the time, although we weren’t close then–mutual friends, ended up at the same events sometimes because of that, etc. J was killed by a drunk driver, and M (understandably) took it very hard. When I talked to her about the exclusivity thing, she said that she and J had always planned to do everything together, including having a double wedding extravaganza when they fell in love, and that they had a pact that if one of them got engaged first, they had to wait to get married until the other one got engaged too so they could fulfill their dream of the double wedding. M said that she felt like moving forward with a serious relationship felt like leaving J behind and betraying her, and I told her I understood and that she could take her time.

So fast forward to now. I want to marry this girl, but I’m completely okay with the fact that she may never want to have a wedding because that would feel disloyal to J. However, I don’t know if I can deal with a future where I’m with her for years and can’t even introduce her as my girlfriend without her getting antsy about the label.

I know the death of a sibling (especially an identical twin) is devastating and you never really get over it, so I’m not trying to argue that she should just forget about J and start wedding dress shopping. I just want a little bit more relationship security than I have right now, and if she’s still not ready for that… I just need to know that she might one day be comfortable calling us a couple instead of just two people who are casually banging. I want to have the Relationship Talk with her again, but how can I phrase the conversation so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to put a timeline on her grief for her sister?

Sincerely,

One Half of a Double Wedding

DEAR ONE HALF OF A DOUBLE WEDDING: Wait, hang on. Before I get to your letter, I need to make sure I understand this: whichever of them got engaged first was going to have to wait until her sister also was engaged? That is some Taming of the Shrew/10 Things I Hate About You crap right there.

Anyway.

Grief can be a messed up thing, OHDW, and it hits people in weird and unpredictable ways. And no matter what guidelines people will give you, it’s almost impossible to gauge how long grief will last or when it will quit wrecking your life. To quote Neil Gaiman: some days, the fact of their absence will hit you like a blow to the chest. This is never more true than with siblings, especially twins. While not every set of twins are super-close, in many cases, being a twin feels less like a “me” and more like a “we”, especially when they’re identical. Part of their identity is that they’re a matched set. They’re not the same person in two bodies but the overlap can be significant, even when their personalities can be radically different.

Losing J – especially such a sudden and tragic loss – wasn’t just losing a friend or a sister, it’s like losing a part of herself. It’s almost like waking up to discover that you no longer have a limb or that half of your entire life is gone. It’s bad enough she lost her sister and closest friend; now she’s having to confront a literal existential crisis. Who IS M, now that J is gone?

I’m not surprised that she’s clinging so tightly to that dream they had of a double wedding. It’s a way of holding on to this piece of J, a way of feeling like she’s still close to her. The way M feels about leaving J behind are incredibly common in people who are grieving. Lots of people will say that they don’t want to move on for fear that they’re somehow leaving their loved one behind or forgetting them. Widows and widowers feel like dating or loving someone else would be a betrayal of their spouse. Kids frequently resent when their parents start to date again because they think it’s a betrayal of the dead parent’s memory.

But here’s the thing: that feeling passes. Grief feels like it will last forever – and there will always be a part of the griever that feels that loss – but it does ease as time goes by. It can’t rain all the time, after all. So yes, I feel safe in saying that the time will come when she won’t feel like being happy and having a loving relationship is betraying the memory of her sister. There will come a time when she feels like she can say she’s in a relationship, actually call you her boyfriend and talk about possibly having a relationship together.

What I can’t say is “when”. And to be honest, nobody can because grief isn’t linear. There isn’t this steady progression of “feeling a little better every day”. Some days you feel almost normal and then the next day the loss hits you so hard that you can’t get out of bed. Sometimes that will happen in the same day. She may try to push through things and say she’s ready before she actually is. She may think she’s ready and then regress. It’s maddening and it’s frustrating and it’s messy and chaotic, but that’s life.

I know: it’s frustrating. But the day will come if you’re patient and you’re there for her when she needs you. For now, just let her know: this is something that you want, and you hope that there’ll be a time when she feels comfortable with the idea that the two of you are in a relationship. Then let it go. Pushing her isn’t going to make her get over the loss of her sister any sooner… but pushing too hard will make her decide that she’s not ready for any kind of relationship right now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an unusual fetish. I’m a straight guy and still a virgin due to shyness and approach anxiety and since I was at least 17, I’ve noticed I have a tickling fetish. The idea of being consensually bound and tickled mercilessly by hot women, or me consensual tickling a hot, bound, ticklish women, or women gleefully do it to each other while permitting me to watch, (all of these activities with safe words and breaks) excites me like little else in the bedroom. I have ZERO idea why, and I’ve embraced this quirky fetish as an inherent part of my sexuality.

That being said, I’m a little insecure about it. First off, it’s not something I typically picture doing with a committed romantic partner, it’s more something I see doing with a casual sex partner. I’m honestly afraid to ask for it if I end up in a sexual situation with someone, as thought of tickling typically brings back terrible childhood memories (it does for me to, but I’m able to separate those memories from what I know seek to enjoy as a consenting adult.)

Every time the subject comes up on mainstream news sites or social media, 90% of the reaction (from men and women alike) seems to be how it’s such a creepy fetish to have.

So I’m honestly wary of bringing it up or pursuing it, and most BDSM networking sites intimidate me, and I’ve noticed the sites geared toward connecting people with this specific fetish are always huge sausage fests, where women’s personals get thousands of replies whereas straight men’s personals get zero. Is that much of a deal breaker? Is it a mark against me personally? Should I ask for it or just forget it and just accept that it will just remain a fantasy? How should I even ask for it?

Sincerely,

Insecurity Is No Laughing Matter

DEAR INSECURITY IS NO LAUGHING MATTER: So this is what we in the advice business call a case of “the problem you think you have is not the problem you actually have.”

You have things seriously tangled up and twisted, INLM and all it’s doing is making you feel weird and insecure about things. So let’s pick this apart a little and see if we can’t set things right.

First of all, your fetish isn’t that rare or unusual. What you’re describing is a common variation of your garden variety BDSM play. The central factor in this is standard power-exchange; the sub is bound and helpless while the dom consensually demonstrates their power over the sub. It’s the helplessness and control that tends to be what gets people off. You can find similar dynamics involving things like edging and orgasm denial, shibari and a multitude of other forms of power exchange. The only difference between your kink and a scene involving being tied up and spanked is that you’re envisioning it with a feather instead of a flogger or violet wand.

Second of all: you’ve got things precisely backwards. You’ll have much better luck indulging your kink with someone who you’re in a serious relationship with than a casual FWB. While it’s certainly possible that you could find a play partner who’s down to tie you up and tickle you, you’re going to have a much easier time introducing kink into a relationship where you and your partner have comfort, trust and communication. The problem here is that you seem to have this mental disconnect that says you can’t have the “dirty” kinky sex that gets you off with a committed partner. This is, frankly absurd and it’s going to cause you problems in your future relationships.

To start with, the idea that you can only have a certain kind of sex with people you aren’t in a romantic relationship with is a great way to make sure that your romantic relationships will fall apart. Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship’s longevity; when you’re artificially restricting yourself from the sex you crave because of a BS distinction between casual and committed relationships, you’re condemning yourself to mediocre and unsatisfying sex. Just as importantly, however is the fact that sexual adventure and novelty is part of what makes a relationship last. Keeping the thrill alive in your relationship is part of what keeps your connection strong and vibrant. You don’t want to try to segregate your kinky self off to some other secret part of your life, you want to embrace it and find the Morticia to your Gomez Addams.

Plus, as it is, you’re going to have a harder time finding casual play partners who’ll want to do power exchange without going to some of those BDSM networking sites. It’ll be much easier to find a kinky partner to go where the kinksters hang out than it is to try to dig through people’s dating profiles in hopes of finding clues that sticks and stones may break their bones but whips and chains excite them. It may help to think of sites like FetLife as being more akin to Facebook than Tinder; all you’re doing is joining a social networking site that just happens to be for folks who like playing cops and robbers with their pants off.  Focus less on treating it like a dating site and more like you’re making friends and connections and finding out where the cool parties are.

Your other option is to find the kink scene in your city in person. The BDSM communities tend to have regular social gatherings – known as munches – that serve as informal get togethers. These are almost always low-key events so that people in the community can get to know one another, trade information and generally hang out in a socially “safe” space. Now I want to stress: these are not places to go to hit on folks or set up a scene. They are, however, a great place to get to know people, make connections and get known within the community. That, in turn, can help you find various parties or events where you might find someone who’s up for talking about the kind of scene you’re looking to indulge in.

But demographics being what they are, there’re more vanilla people than there are kinksters. That means the odds are greater that you’re going to end up in a relationship with someone who isn’t necessarily kinky yet. That means you’ll be the one to introduce her into this new side of you that she might like to try too. The way you bring it up is no different from bringing up other sexual interests or fantasies. In fact, talking about the things that turn you both on that you’d like to try is the perfect time to bring up your interest. It doesn’t require a long run-up or explanation, so much as a “Hey, you know what I’ve always been into?”

The key here is to not treat your kink like it’s a deep dark secret. It’s just one thing – and not even that unusual – that happens to leave you harder than Chinese differential calculus. Your partner is going to take a lot of her cues from you. If you roll this out like your desires make you subhuman and you wouldn’t blame her if she ran screaming into the night… well, she’s much more likely to do just that. If you roll it out as this kinda-naughty-but-not-actually-that-scary fun thing to do, she’s far more likely to want to give it a try… if only because you are so into it.

In the meantime, do your research. Get a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky, read up on kink with books like Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy and Midori’s Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink: Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays. Watch some videos on KinkAcademy and spend a little time on FetLife.

The more you know, the better you’ll be able to explain it to people you might want to play with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My mother (yes, I still live with my family) wants to go to Orlando in a few days, because my younger siblings have spring break, and she asked me if I wanted to come with. The thing is, I have… issues regarding women at beaches and pools and water parks.

The basic underlying core of my beliefs is: I desperately want to be respectful and non-threatening to women. However, registering a woman as “attractive” or “sexy” feelsDISrespectful, and I’ve felt for a long time that there’s something inherently threatening about me simply because I’m male.

I feel like a creep if I look at a woman below the neck at all (not just staring like a fish), and obviously if she’s wearing a swimsuit that accentuates her figure, I’m going to notice. I understand that it’s her choice to wear what she wants, but I still think that noticing sex appeal instantly reduces someone to a sex object.

My friends and family tell me that this view is warped and toxic, and I do intend on bringing it up the next time I visit my therapist. However, Mom’s upcoming trip to Orlando kind of brought this to the forefront, because it’s the single biggest reason I’m reluctant to go.

Is there anything I can do to work on this before seeing my therapist?

Sincerely,

Feminism Gone Mad

DEAR FEMINISM GONE MAD: Dude. Dude. This ain’t feminism, chief. This is some weird funhouse mirror version of straw feminists that only exist on dingy subreddits where dudes who’ve only heard about Andrea Dworkin third hand share what they think she said as gospel.

All of the things you just said? That’s got far less to do with being respectful and non-threatening and everything to do with being terrified of owning your own sexuality and not seeing your attraction as being an imposition on others.

Now this is very much the sort of thing you should be talking with a therapist about, not some loudmouth with an advice column, especially since Dr. NerdLove is emphatically NOT a doctor. But here’s the thing: women aren’t going to think you’re a threat just because you saw them in a bikini and got turned on.

Nor, for that matter, does that mean you’re objectifying them. Objectifying somebody doesn’t mean that you’re aroused by the sight of them or that you’d love to have sex with them if you had the chance. It means that you treat them like an object for your pleasure. A guy who goes after women just for a one-night stand so he can get off, without a thought about her comfort or pleasure? Someone who treats women as a decoration that they can stick their dick in? THAT’S objectifying them. Getting turned on at the sight of them or appreciating that they look hot? That just makes you a human with a sex drive, same as everyone else.

Repeat after me: finding people attractive doesn’t make you creepy. There’s nothing disrespectful about noticing that a woman is sexy or has a nice body. Being turned on by somebody isn’t objectifying them. If you don’t want to be disrespectful to women… well, don’t disrespect them. Don’t make comments about their boobs, don’t get handsy with them and don’t act like they’re there just for your pleasure. Can you think somebody is hot and still treat them like a human being? Cool, you’re not objectifying them. Can you look at somebody and not turn into a cartoon wolf and flip out over them? Awesome, you’re not being creepy or acting like a threat. Looking is fine. Staring, leering or cat-calling isn’t. If you’re really worried about being caught looking, get some sunglasses or learn to engage your peripheral vision.

And in the meantime, read some Susie Bright or My Secret Garden already and get used to the idea that women are sexual creatures too. I think it’ll do you some good.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)