DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if you had any advice on getting to create one on one time with girls I like and am attracted to, especially when group dynamics and petty drama comes into play.

I’m a pretty nerdy guy but well put together enough that I’m not awkward. Because of this I come across the same problem in most of the nerdy circles I’m in constantly. I get left out or cut out of conversations involving any attractive girl in the group or one of her extended friends. Concurrently, for some events I’m not even invited because I apparently rocked the boat too much or cause a disturbance within the force.

Also for girls in general I sometimes get interrupted by her friends who don’t have anything malicious against me as a person, but I always get stuck with these bulls

t reasons.

1. “You two don’t look good together”

2. “This other guy who I approve of likes her/called dibs first”

3. “I’m jealous of the attention she gets so I’m gonna ruin your time.”

4. “I’m just super nosy and want to know every detail” (I refuse to tell because I value personal conversation and they start getting mad at me)

5. I get interrogated about my personal life even though I tell them I’m uncomfortable talking about my family to a stranger, let alone a massive nosy gossip.

I actually talked to some of my friends (my closer and more honest ones) about this, male and female, concerned if I did something that made them uncomfortable or if I pissed them off by accident.

Most of them literally said that nothing was wrong, but this guy or that guy didn’t like you talking to the girl he liked, so he didn’t want to invite you. Or this girl doesn’t want you there flirting with her friend because she ships her with someone else. Or the more unattractive girl (in my eyes) likes you so she keeps intervening when you talk to her friend. Girls are competitive that way.

Other cases I have had guys try to keep me from meeting a new girl when they try to join the club or social group. Like literal usher them away when they hear I’m nearby and that leaves a bad impression of me. Girls who I meet later tell me they thought I was creepy from the way guys acted around me but actually think I’m pretty nice.

Then soon after the girl at some point disappears because one of the guys pulled nice guy tactics and confess to her. Some of the guys don’t take rejection lightly. (Also, I try contacting them because I usually get her number, but up until that point I realize we never really had much one on one interactions and she is still uncomfortable enough around me that she doesn’t want to hangout one on one.)

Its honestly petty as hell, and it’s difficult for me because we are all single and I’m not trying to be the nuisance in the room. I’ve tried going outside my social circles to date, but I sometimes don’t click with some of the girls I meet and in my search for some common ground to talk about they can tell I’m trying to flirt or get to know them so they are on guard. In comparison to when we have common interests and have a reason to interact with each other because of the club or organization we are in.

But how am I supposed to get a girlfriend and date when I can’t even get much of an opportunity to have a more personal conversation. It feel like a loop because when I ask for a one on one hangout they usually say we haven’t really talked to each other before so they are uncomfortable. And I can’t do that with these nice guys and their nosy friends around.

And don’t get me wrong the guys are overall good people but I dislike they way they go about things and tolerate bulls

t from each other. I try calling things out sometimes and get told to let it go or I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I can empathize, but I can’t tolerate the crap. What am I supposed to do, lie down and stay quiet until they all get girlfriends?

-Shut Out at the Gate

DEAR SHUT OUT AT THE GATE: I’m not gonna lie, SOatG: your letter falls into the category I call “Not Sure If Bulls

t, Or I’m Just Old”. The idea that people are going to swoop in to blow up your conversation with someone because they ship (a fandom term, meaning “want to see X character have a relationship with Y character”) them with someone else is… well, the sort of thing that I’d expect to find in bad shoujo manga, not real life.  But I was curious, so  I put out the call on the DNL Facebook and Twitter pages to see if anyone else had folks try to blow up their interactions because they shipped that person with someone else. And damned if people didn’t say that they’d had this happened to them before. So apparently this isn’t completely unheard of.

All that having been said, I don’t think that’s your problem. The truth is that while occasionally you’ll get the meddling friend or the person who’s jealous of the attention her friend is getting, those are outliers. They’re the exceptions. When guys get “cockblocked” by a woman’s friends, what has almost always happened is that either she gave the “get me out of here” sign or they could see that she’s uncomfortable and moved in for the rescue. Unless you’re dealing with somebody who escaped from a bad CW show where they only have frenemies, people are usually happy for their friends when they find someone cool to hook up with. At the very least, they’ll let them do their thing because hey, everybody involved is a consenting, grown-ass adult.

It’s also not as though the women you’re talking to have no agency of their own. They’re perfectly capable of giving their friends the wave-off, finding you again and striking up the conversation again or – if necessary – telling their friend to step the hell off and let her conduct her own affairs. The fact that none of these women push back against their friends getting involved or are re-engaging you in conversation later is somewhat telling.

Frankly if this is happening to you every time, then the odds are that you’re setting people’s Spidey-sense tingling. I mean, if you’re consistently getting squeezed out and you’re not getting invited to various events because you’ve caused problems… either you’ve managed to find a group that is nothing but assholes or you’re doing something very wrong. If one person calls you a horse, you met a crazy person. If three people call you a horse, it’s time to do some self-examination. If five people call you a horse, it’s time to consider getting fit for a saddle.

To be blunt, some of the things you describe don’t exactly paint you in a flattering light and it would really be helpful if you’d included some examples. What, exactly, do you mean by valuing personal conversation? What are you saying to people that they get angry at you? Most people aren’t going to blow up at you because you’re not giving every single detail of your existence.

Now I can see some dudes – especially if everyone is young and socially awkward and there’re relatively few women in the group – getting aggressive and s

tty towards a newcomer they might see as a threat. Doubly so if they have an interest in that particular woman. But again, this isn’t just an isolated incident; this is over and over again.

If you were to ask me what you’re doing wrong… well, my first thought would be that somewhere along the lines, you’re triggering people’s creep-dar. It would do you some good to do a check and make sure that you’re not creeping people out by accident; it’s possible that some behaviors that you think are perfectly normal and innocent are coming across in ways that you never intended.

The other thing I suspect is that you’re putting too much emphasis on trying to get people alone. If you’re the dude at the party or the Meetup or the gathering who’s always trying to get someone to come with him somewhere else, folks are going to look askance. I get that you’d prefer having some privacy but the truth is that when you’re meeting people in social venues like parties or get-togethers, then you’re going to have to be able to handle groups. Part of how you avoid getting squeezed out by her friends is by winning them over. You don’t need to be their new BFF, but you do want to show them that you’re a good guy. If they feel like you’re someone cool – in the sense of “oh yeah, Shut Out At The Gate, he seems cool” – then they’re not going to treat you like a threat. Plus, by focusing on the group as a whole instead of giving all of your attention to the woman you’re interested in, you don’t come off as someone who’s only there to hit on people.

And here’s a tip: you don’t need actual privacy to get one-on-one time with someone. You can get effective privacy by simply positioning yourself so that you (or your new person of interest) have your back turned to the group. This way you feel like you’re in your own separate conversation without having to pull her away. This means that you feel like you have more privacy, while her friends don’t worry that you’ve dragged her off to a dark corner for nefarious purposes.

But honestly, dude, I think the people you need to talk to are some of the folks in the group, not your friends. They’re the ones who know the dynamics more than your buds do and hopefully they’ll be able to give you more of a low-down on just what exactly is going on.

In the meantime though: start working on that self-examination and self-awareness. The sooner you start getting an idea where things are going wrong, the sooner you’ll be able to fix it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: About 6 months ago, I started dating a woman I’ll call M. She is amazing–a fellow gamer, funny as hell, smart and sexy. Pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted or dreamed of in a girl! We have a blast when we’re together (which is most of the time–she even spends most nights at my apartment, to the point that people assume we live together) and life is awesome with her.

The problem is that we’re not exclusive. Or, to be more accurate, we ARE exclusive, but she won’t say so. Neither of us are seeing anyone else, and we both admit that we don’t have any desire to see anyone else, but she doesn’t want to label us as a serious relationship. I’ve met her family and I’ve met her friends, and she always says we’re dating but phrases it in a very casual way. I don’t feel casual about her, and based on how she acts and the things she says to me, she’s in the same boat, but she’s adamant that we are not a committed couple.

(P.S., in case anyone wonders, she’s not trying to string me along or hide me from another relationship or from her friends–everyone knows we’re together and she has no problem saying that we’re dating. It’s just that she keeps putting the “casual” disclaimer on it.)

A couple of months after we got together, I manned up and used my words to ask about this, and she told me that she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship because she was still working through her grief over the death of her twin sister, J, a year before we got together. I knew both M and J at the time, although we weren’t close then–mutual friends, ended up at the same events sometimes because of that, etc. J was killed by a drunk driver, and M (understandably) took it very hard. When I talked to her about the exclusivity thing, she said that she and J had always planned to do everything together, including having a double wedding extravaganza when they fell in love, and that they had a pact that if one of them got engaged first, they had to wait to get married until the other one got engaged too so they could fulfill their dream of the double wedding. M said that she felt like moving forward with a serious relationship felt like leaving J behind and betraying her, and I told her I understood and that she could take her time.

So fast forward to now. I want to marry this girl, but I’m completely okay with the fact that she may never want to have a wedding because that would feel disloyal to J. However, I don’t know if I can deal with a future where I’m with her for years and can’t even introduce her as my girlfriend without her getting antsy about the label.

I know the death of a sibling (especially an identical twin) is devastating and you never really get over it, so I’m not trying to argue that she should just forget about J and start wedding dress shopping. I just want a little bit more relationship security than I have right now, and if she’s still not ready for that… I just need to know that she might one day be comfortable calling us a couple instead of just two people who are casually banging. I want to have the Relationship Talk with her again, but how can I phrase the conversation so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to put a timeline on her grief for her sister?

Sincerely,

One Half of a Double Wedding

DEAR ONE HALF OF A DOUBLE WEDDING: Wait, hang on. Before I get to your letter, I need to make sure I understand this: whichever of them got engaged first was going to have to wait until her sister also was engaged? That is some Taming of the Shrew/10 Things I Hate About You crap right there.

Anyway.

Grief can be a messed up thing, OHDW, and it hits people in weird and unpredictable ways. And no matter what guidelines people will give you, it’s almost impossible to gauge how long grief will last or when it will quit wrecking your life. To quote Neil Gaiman: some days, the fact of their absence will hit you like a blow to the chest. This is never more true than with siblings, especially twins. While not every set of twins are super-close, in many cases, being a twin feels less like a “me” and more like a “we”, especially when they’re identical. Part of their identity is that they’re a matched set. They’re not the same person in two bodies but the overlap can be significant, even when their personalities can be radically different.

Losing J – especially such a sudden and tragic loss – wasn’t just losing a friend or a sister, it’s like losing a part of herself. It’s almost like waking up to discover that you no longer have a limb or that half of your entire life is gone. It’s bad enough she lost her sister and closest friend; now she’s having to confront a literal existential crisis. Who IS M, now that J is gone?

I’m not surprised that she’s clinging so tightly to that dream they had of a double wedding. It’s a way of holding on to this piece of J, a way of feeling like she’s still close to her. The way M feels about leaving J behind are incredibly common in people who are grieving. Lots of people will say that they don’t want to move on for fear that they’re somehow leaving their loved one behind or forgetting them. Widows and widowers feel like dating or loving someone else would be a betrayal of their spouse. Kids frequently resent when their parents start to date again because they think it’s a betrayal of the dead parent’s memory.

But here’s the thing: that feeling passes. Grief feels like it will last forever – and there will always be a part of the griever that feels that loss – but it does ease as time goes by. It can’t rain all the time, after all. So yes, I feel safe in saying that the time will come when she won’t feel like being happy and having a loving relationship is betraying the memory of her sister. There will come a time when she feels like she can say she’s in a relationship, actually call you her boyfriend and talk about possibly having a relationship together.

What I can’t say is “when”. And to be honest, nobody can because grief isn’t linear. There isn’t this steady progression of “feeling a little better every day”. Some days you feel almost normal and then the next day the loss hits you so hard that you can’t get out of bed. Sometimes that will happen in the same day. She may try to push through things and say she’s ready before she actually is. She may think she’s ready and then regress. It’s maddening and it’s frustrating and it’s messy and chaotic, but that’s life.

I know: it’s frustrating. But the day will come if you’re patient and you’re there for her when she needs you. For now, just let her know: this is something that you want, and you hope that there’ll be a time when she feels comfortable with the idea that the two of you are in a relationship. Then let it go. Pushing her isn’t going to make her get over the loss of her sister any sooner… but pushing too hard will make her decide that she’s not ready for any kind of relationship right now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an unusual fetish. I’m a straight guy and still a virgin due to shyness and approach anxiety and since I was at least 17, I’ve noticed I have a tickling fetish. The idea of being consensually bound and tickled mercilessly by hot women, or me consensual tickling a hot, bound, ticklish women, or women gleefully do it to each other while permitting me to watch, (all of these activities with safe words and breaks) excites me like little else in the bedroom. I have ZERO idea why, and I’ve embraced this quirky fetish as an inherent part of my sexuality.

That being said, I’m a little insecure about it. First off, it’s not something I typically picture doing with a committed romantic partner, it’s more something I see doing with a casual sex partner. I’m honestly afraid to ask for it if I end up in a sexual situation with someone, as thought of tickling typically brings back terrible childhood memories (it does for me to, but I’m able to separate those memories from what I know seek to enjoy as a consenting adult.)

Every time the subject comes up on mainstream news sites or social media, 90% of the reaction (from men and women alike) seems to be how it’s such a creepy fetish to have.

So I’m honestly wary of bringing it up or pursuing it, and most BDSM networking sites intimidate me, and I’ve noticed the sites geared toward connecting people with this specific fetish are always huge sausage fests, where women’s personals get thousands of replies whereas straight men’s personals get zero. Is that much of a deal breaker? Is it a mark against me personally? Should I ask for it or just forget it and just accept that it will just remain a fantasy? How should I even ask for it?

Sincerely,

Insecurity Is No Laughing Matter

DEAR INSECURITY IS NO LAUGHING MATTER: So this is what we in the advice business call a case of “the problem you think you have is not the problem you actually have.”

You have things seriously tangled up and twisted, INLM and all it’s doing is making you feel weird and insecure about things. So let’s pick this apart a little and see if we can’t set things right.

First of all, your fetish isn’t that rare or unusual. What you’re describing is a common variation of your garden variety BDSM play. The central factor in this is standard power-exchange; the sub is bound and helpless while the dom consensually demonstrates their power over the sub. It’s the helplessness and control that tends to be what gets people off. You can find similar dynamics involving things like edging and orgasm denial, shibari and a multitude of other forms of power exchange. The only difference between your kink and a scene involving being tied up and spanked is that you’re envisioning it with a feather instead of a flogger or violet wand.

Second of all: you’ve got things precisely backwards. You’ll have much better luck indulging your kink with someone who you’re in a serious relationship with than a casual FWB. While it’s certainly possible that you could find a play partner who’s down to tie you up and tickle you, you’re going to have a much easier time introducing kink into a relationship where you and your partner have comfort, trust and communication. The problem here is that you seem to have this mental disconnect that says you can’t have the “dirty” kinky sex that gets you off with a committed partner. This is, frankly absurd and it’s going to cause you problems in your future relationships.

To start with, the idea that you can only have a certain kind of sex with people you aren’t in a romantic relationship with is a great way to make sure that your romantic relationships will fall apart. Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship’s longevity; when you’re artificially restricting yourself from the sex you crave because of a BS distinction between casual and committed relationships, you’re condemning yourself to mediocre and unsatisfying sex. Just as importantly, however is the fact that sexual adventure and novelty is part of what makes a relationship last. Keeping the thrill alive in your relationship is part of what keeps your connection strong and vibrant. You don’t want to try to segregate your kinky self off to some other secret part of your life, you want to embrace it and find the Morticia to your Gomez Addams.

Plus, as it is, you’re going to have a harder time finding casual play partners who’ll want to do power exchange without going to some of those BDSM networking sites. It’ll be much easier to find a kinky partner to go where the kinksters hang out than it is to try to dig through people’s dating profiles in hopes of finding clues that sticks and stones may break their bones but whips and chains excite them. It may help to think of sites like FetLife as being more akin to Facebook than Tinder; all you’re doing is joining a social networking site that just happens to be for folks who like playing cops and robbers with their pants off.  Focus less on treating it like a dating site and more like you’re making friends and connections and finding out where the cool parties are.

Your other option is to find the kink scene in your city in person. The BDSM communities tend to have regular social gatherings – known as munches – that serve as informal get togethers. These are almost always low-key events so that people in the community can get to know one another, trade information and generally hang out in a socially “safe” space. Now I want to stress: these are not places to go to hit on folks or set up a scene. They are, however, a great place to get to know people, make connections and get known within the community. That, in turn, can help you find various parties or events where you might find someone who’s up for talking about the kind of scene you’re looking to indulge in.

But demographics being what they are, there’re more vanilla people than there are kinksters. That means the odds are greater that you’re going to end up in a relationship with someone who isn’t necessarily kinky yet. That means you’ll be the one to introduce her into this new side of you that she might like to try too. The way you bring it up is no different from bringing up other sexual interests or fantasies. In fact, talking about the things that turn you both on that you’d like to try is the perfect time to bring up your interest. It doesn’t require a long run-up or explanation, so much as a “Hey, you know what I’ve always been into?”

The key here is to not treat your kink like it’s a deep dark secret. It’s just one thing – and not even that unusual – that happens to leave you harder than Chinese differential calculus. Your partner is going to take a lot of her cues from you. If you roll this out like your desires make you subhuman and you wouldn’t blame her if she ran screaming into the night… well, she’s much more likely to do just that. If you roll it out as this kinda-naughty-but-not-actually-that-scary fun thing to do, she’s far more likely to want to give it a try… if only because you are so into it.

In the meantime, do your research. Get a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky, read up on kink with books like Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy and Midori’s Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink: Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays. Watch some videos on KinkAcademy and spend a little time on FetLife.

The more you know, the better you’ll be able to explain it to people you might want to play with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My mother (yes, I still live with my family) wants to go to Orlando in a few days, because my younger siblings have spring break, and she asked me if I wanted to come with. The thing is, I have… issues regarding women at beaches and pools and water parks.

The basic underlying core of my beliefs is: I desperately want to be respectful and non-threatening to women. However, registering a woman as “attractive” or “sexy” feelsDISrespectful, and I’ve felt for a long time that there’s something inherently threatening about me simply because I’m male.

I feel like a creep if I look at a woman below the neck at all (not just staring like a fish), and obviously if she’s wearing a swimsuit that accentuates her figure, I’m going to notice. I understand that it’s her choice to wear what she wants, but I still think that noticing sex appeal instantly reduces someone to a sex object.

My friends and family tell me that this view is warped and toxic, and I do intend on bringing it up the next time I visit my therapist. However, Mom’s upcoming trip to Orlando kind of brought this to the forefront, because it’s the single biggest reason I’m reluctant to go.

Is there anything I can do to work on this before seeing my therapist?

Sincerely,

Feminism Gone Mad

DEAR FEMINISM GONE MAD: Dude. Dude. This ain’t feminism, chief. This is some weird funhouse mirror version of straw feminists that only exist on dingy subreddits where dudes who’ve only heard about Andrea Dworkin third hand share what they think she said as gospel.

All of the things you just said? That’s got far less to do with being respectful and non-threatening and everything to do with being terrified of owning your own sexuality and not seeing your attraction as being an imposition on others.

Now this is very much the sort of thing you should be talking with a therapist about, not some loudmouth with an advice column, especially since Dr. NerdLove is emphatically NOT a doctor. But here’s the thing: women aren’t going to think you’re a threat just because you saw them in a bikini and got turned on.

Nor, for that matter, does that mean you’re objectifying them. Objectifying somebody doesn’t mean that you’re aroused by the sight of them or that you’d love to have sex with them if you had the chance. It means that you treat them like an object for your pleasure. A guy who goes after women just for a one-night stand so he can get off, without a thought about her comfort or pleasure? Someone who treats women as a decoration that they can stick their dick in? THAT’S objectifying them. Getting turned on at the sight of them or appreciating that they look hot? That just makes you a human with a sex drive, same as everyone else.

Repeat after me: finding people attractive doesn’t make you creepy. There’s nothing disrespectful about noticing that a woman is sexy or has a nice body. Being turned on by somebody isn’t objectifying them. If you don’t want to be disrespectful to women… well, don’t disrespect them. Don’t make comments about their boobs, don’t get handsy with them and don’t act like they’re there just for your pleasure. Can you think somebody is hot and still treat them like a human being? Cool, you’re not objectifying them. Can you look at somebody and not turn into a cartoon wolf and flip out over them? Awesome, you’re not being creepy or acting like a threat. Looking is fine. Staring, leering or cat-calling isn’t. If you’re really worried about being caught looking, get some sunglasses or learn to engage your peripheral vision.

And in the meantime, read some Susie Bright or My Secret Garden already and get used to the idea that women are sexual creatures too. I think it’ll do you some good.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 virgin with no real experience with woman. I can make friends with woman but as for dating… nothing. I’ve always had confidence issues and just struggle to believe someone would like me that way. I am trying to break through this with therapy (Which won’t be starting till after the holiday) and I’ve joined a number of clubs but this could take some time to develop results.

I’m going to Amsterdam for a few days next month, basically a holiday with a few friends from college. Amsterdam is a nice city….but it’s also known for the red light district. So I think you can see where this might be going.

Being the only virgin left in my social group does play on my mind a lot. I know losing my virginity won’t solve all my problems but…. having it hang over my head is just exhausting. I also realize other people my age are in the same situation but within my social group I really am the last one left.

I just feel like such a loser when everyone’s drinking and talking about past sexual experiences. I’m also older than most my friends so being a virgin does get me down.

Overall my friends have been very supportive about it. My friends have teased me a little about it…with one hinting that I should go see a prostitute while in Amsterdam although I think he was just joking. Overall however they have told me it’s nothing to worry about and I’ve still got plenty of time. The group I’m going with have never asked but I’m pretty sure they know about it.

Honestly…. I don’t know what to do, I know people look down on this route of losing it….but at the same time the stress of being the last virgin really does get to me. I might feel worse afterwards but at the same time I might be relived to finally have got rid of it…. to be honest I have no idea.

I guess I’m just asking for any advice you might have,

Thanks

Red Light Green Light

DEAR RED LIGHT GREEN LIGHT: Here’s what I think, RLGL: I think visiting a sex worker is a valid option, if it’s going to ACTUALLY solve your problem.

What you need to do before you make up your mind is a little soul-searching and practicing some self-awareness. What, exactly is the issue you’re having with being a virgin? Is it just that you haven’t had sex? Or is it that you haven’t felt desired, that someone hasn’t felt like you were good enough to have sex with?

Part of why guys get hung up on being a virgin is that they see it as a Mark of Cain; they’re a virgin because it means that there’s something wrong with them. Just as dogs and bees can smell fear, women can sense whatever this flaw is and write them off as potential sex-partners. Other guys see it as a mark of accomplishment or skill – that having sex with someone means that you were able to seduce them or convince them to sleep with you.

In both cases, losing one’s virginity to a sex-worker is – for lack of a better term – cheating. It’s circumventing the system that regulates who’s supposed to have sex and who isn’t and thus… I don’t freaking know, the whole thing makes no sense. But the end result is a feeling of shame and remorse, that this somehow didn’t count and is just further proof that you’re dysfunctional at some level.

The problem is that this ignores the fact that sex isn’t a test of worth. As I’ve said bewfore: women aren’t Mjolnir. It’s not as though women only allow those who are worthy in. Women, like men, will often choose to sleep with people for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the other person besides convenience. However, hooking up with a woman who has decided she’s willing to hang the nearest warm body is considered by many a “legit” to lose one’s virginity, while a sex worker isn’t.

The difference? One allows the fig-leaf of pretending that this followed the cultural narrative of how men are “supposed” to lose their virginity. It’s easy to tell yourself that you were chosen instead of “enh, you’ll do”. It also ignores that sex workers can and do choose their clients. An escort may well have put more thought and deliberation into accepting an appointment from a virgin than somebody who just wants to get laid that night.

The odds are also better that with the right sex worker, you may actually enjoy your first time more. A lot of people who lost their virginity the “traditional” way will tell you: it’s often a fumbling, confused mess. Having someone who’s focused on you, on your comfort and pleasure could make all the difference in terms of enjoying the experience.

Now: ignoring what other people will say about how you lost your virginity (since you don’t have to tell them) – how would YOU feel about losing it to a sex worker? Will you always think of it as not being “real”? Are you always going to worry that people are snickering behind your back, even if they don’t actually know? Are you going to think of it as “cheating” and keep holding onto these feelings of low self-worth because of it?

Then I’d say you’re better off to save your money and put it towards working with your therapist.

On the other hand, if you just want the act done and the knowledge that you’ve actually been inside another person and you aren’t going to get hung up on it being part of a commercial exchange, then hey, go for it. Do some research before you go. Read blogs written by sex-workers. Listen to their podcasts. This will teach you a lot about how to treat them with respect and find the right sex-worker for you — and to make sure that you’re booking with somebody who’s doing sex work of their own free will instead of having been trafficked. Visit the brothel’s websites, see what they offer. Read some reviews and see about finding a specific brothel that will suit your needs. You may even be able to book an appointment in advance instead of wandering around and getting increasingly intimidated and possibly picking someone at random and ending up disappointed.

As far as I’m concerned, virginity is an artificial construct with out actual meaning. It’s no different from going skydiving or having gone on a road trip; it’s just an experience you haven’t had yet. So visiting a sex worker for your first time is going to be as legit as any other method. It’s just a question of how you’ll feel about it afterwards.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m wondering if you can give me some advice about a sticky situation with a geeky friend?

I’ve a really close friend who’s on the spectrum - specifically an Aspie. He’s also a bit socially awkward and completely conflict averse. We’ve worked together on projects for years, usually one assisting the other, more often me being in charge. We’ve always worked well together and gotten along; we’re both nerdy and have a lot of the same interests, particularly in books and stuff. This friend would be someone I feel very close to, and since I was bullied a lot growing up I find being close to people kind of difficult. I look on him sort of like a slightly younger brother, and try to look out for him when we work together, since I’ve seen him be taken advantage of before. I also always try to make allowances for the fact that he’s not neuro-typical, because I know it makes his life more difficult.

Lately though we’ve encountered a problem. During a mutual project, one which he was leading, we ended up bringing in an outside person. This person was very rude and belligerent to me, speaking over me, belittling my contributions and generally behaving like a git. He also made some very unhelpful comments about people with mental health issues (and the project in question is about mental health issues, something I also suffer from). Suffice it to say the whole interaction was awful and uncomfortable as hell; everyone around the room felt it.

Unfortunately, because my friend was the lead on the project and I didn’t want to undermine him, I didn’t feel like I could call a halt to things myself as I usually would have, and my friend didn’t step up. He just doodled on his papers and said nothing.

When it was over I was quite shaken, and explained that I would prefer not to deal with that person again. My friend seemed to feel this was my being irrational, that I was finding fault where none was. Anything I said about how uncomfortable I felt was presented as my being “mean,” or trying to “cause trouble,” and “not being willing to hear feedback on my work.” I pointed out that I had no issue with feedback: I’ve taken it for years, and did indeed use anything this person said which I found interesting or helpful. I just didn’t like how he treated me.

This didn’t seem to matter, however, and I eventually disengaged from the project (my part was done). I have kept a distance since, only coming in when and if needed. It seems to be going well (as I knew it would) and I have no doubt it will be a success. My question though is, how do I deal with my friend?

I know he is quite stressed at the moment and also that he is conflict-averse. (He is currently seeing the person I didn’t wish to work with every day.) However, I don’t feel I can pretend that everything is ok and I would like to talk to my friend about my feelings when the project is over: do you have any ideas for how I might do this? Like many Aspies, he often misses social cues or finds things which would bother other people baffling because they wouldn’t bother him. I understand that. But I don’t think I should have to put up with nasty behavior (or his enabling and excusing it) because of that. I get enough of that s

t already.

Any advice you could give would be gratefully received, because I really care about this friend and I’m afraid this will poison our friendship. What can I do?

Yours

E the Super-Villain

DEAR E THE SUPER-VILLAIN: There comes a point in every relationship – regardless of the kind – where you have to make a choice: say take action and risk the friendship, or let things continue as they are. Because not taking any kind of action just means that you’re going to be dealing with this situation again in the future.

Now, the actions to take could range greatly. You could have a full-blown Come To Jesus with your friend and explain – with slides and graphs if needed – exactly why this guy was being a jerk and how it differs from “criticism” or your looking to “cause trouble”. You would likely need to go in point-by-point order to connect the dots, as well as require your friend to explain how and why you would be causing trouble in this case – possibly several times to get the point across.

I’ve got a friend who’s Christian. She’s pretty relaxed about things in general, but she feels her faith pretty deeply and takes it seriously. I, on the other hand, am somewhere between an agnostic and Taoist and have little regard for organized religion in general. I also swear like a sailor. It bothers my friend when I say “goddamn”, which is practically punctuation for me. I don’t get how it’s offensive, but hey, it bothers her so I do my best to not say it around her.

I mention this because the fact that I don’t share the same emotional twinge around the phrase doesn’t negate her offense. She’s my friend, this bothers her, I don’t want to bother her. Therefore I do my best to not say it around her.

Your friend may not understand how this dude’s behavior offends you. But that doesn’t let him off the hook, especially as project leader.  Even if he doesn’t feel the same level of offense doesn’t mean that he gets to ignore that it bothers you.

If your friend doesn’t recognize things as being a problem if he can’t perceive them as being a problem, and you are going to have to spell it out. This is likely going to end up being an ongoing discussion, possibly with reminders and a series of notecards.

(Say what you will about the Clara Oswald/Peter Capaldi era of Doctor Who, Clara providing a list of acceptable responses/ this is how you’re offending people for The Doctor may serve well for any number of geeks in similar situations)

Another option may end up having to be downgrading your friendship with this guy. If the risk of this conversation poisoning your friendship is high enough, then not saying anything may mean that you’re going to have to be less involved. Especially if your new co-contributor is going to be an ongoing part of his life.

If he’s willing to ignore or excuse your discomfort or mistreatment in the name of going along to get along… well that’s a pretty sh

ty way to treat a friend. Being conflict averse, awkward or on the spectrum doesn’t give him a “Get Out of Being a Decent Human Being Free” card.

I get that it’s hard to stand up to others, especially when you’re not sure about the social cues or rules in a situation. However, even if he can’t lead the charge, he can, at the very least, back you up as you enforce your boundaries and tell the other dude to STFU.

From the way you describe things, your friend may not grok the why, but he could certainly figure out that you were upset and being bothered by this guy. Your friend may not recognize social cues, but he does have a sense of empathy. It may well be that, for someone as conflict averse as him, it’s easier for him to just brush you off rather than put himself in a position to have to do something about this. You, after all, are less likely to get in his face than the new guy.

Hopefully he’s not actually that much of an a

hole.

If you’re going to hash this out, then be clear and be willing to connect a whole lot of dots for him. If he can’t necessarily make the intuitive leap from behavior to reaction, then you need to spell it out. Probably in great detail.

It may well be that what you need to do is – in addition to explaining why this other guy was being a dick to you, what you would like from your friend in situations like those. Having a set of guidelines to follow might empower him to speak up next time.

If you two are as close as you say, then I’d like to think he’s willing to listen and recognize your needs in this. Things may get tense for a time, but with luck, the love and respect you two have for each other will let your friendship recover.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)