DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a bit of an ongoing issue with someone who I think is a ‘missing stair’. About a year and a half ago, I met this guy through a sports team I’m in and we became acquainted but not close. He had a reputation as a ‘gutter-punk’ type who’d steal your cigarettes or crash on your couch, but he seemed to have outgrown it by this point.

I became aware of some gigs he was co-organising being cancelled as accusations of sexual assault came to light. By the end of the next day, multiple women had mentioned having similar experiences with the guy. A friend and I in the sports team contacted our management who recommended he step back, but felt they couldn’t expel him as the accusations were accusations only.

A few months later, I started dating a person who is friends with this guy’s girlfriend. My girlfriend doesn’t trust him either, but feels that if he is abusive that it would be unfair to abandon her friend who may need support should it transpire this guy is the liar and (frankly) rapist that he’s reported to be. And I agree. I think this guy’s girlfriend has (at best) bought into his sketchy excuses or (at worst) can’t leave due to some kind of duress and might need people in her corner.

As a result, I’ve encountered this guy socially a few times. He’s aware I reported him and I’ve made him fully aware that I can’t ever trust him again and not to read me being civil as friendship, but he continues to try and brute-force his way back into my good graces. Some friends have had the confidence to tell him exactly how unwelcome he is (which has ended in physical altercations in some cases) but with me he seems to engineer situations where if I blew up at him, or even enforced firm boundaries, I’d be the one turning a ‘civil chat’ into drama and ruining evenings. It feels awful every time.

Every time my partner and I acknowledge him, we both feel awful and feel like we’re betraying other people we know who end up in tears or fits of rage when this guy shows his face. I feel like I’m enabling the missing stair, but can’t think of what to do that wouldn’t turn into a screaming match or worse, especially as his girlfriend, who is an otherwise pleasant person, is very defensive about the situation.

We’re not in any other contact and I’ve blocked him on social media, but short of leaving town, I don’t know what to do about this guy and feel like scum for every time he’s wheedled me into tolerating him. This guy’s needled me into hugging him before and the thought makes me wretch. My heart sinks when I hear his voice. What do you think, Doc?

Cheers,

Carpenter In Training

DEAR CARPENTER IN TRAINING: before I get to your question, let’s define some terms.

In 2012, sex blogger Cliff Pervocracy wrote a column called “The Missing Stair”, where he coined the phrase “the missing stair” as part of a metaphor to explain the phenomena of tolerating an abuser or harasser within one’s community, even though their behavior was generally well known. In the column, Cliff compared the malefactor to a known problem with a house – something that was unacceptable and dangerous, but allowed to continue – such as a staircase with no railing in a dark basement that happened to be missing a stair in the middle. While the staircase itself is a known danger, everyone in the house has become so used to its presence that they just remember to leap over that missing step whenever they have to take the stairs.

While this arrangement – as questionable as it may be – has been fine for the folks who live in the house, there are the occasional moments when they forget to warn visitors or newcomers about that missing stair. And then someone gets hurt.

In the column, Cliff refers to someone within his own community who was allowed to stick around despite being a known rapist; people would insist he was ok as long as folks made sure he had a chaperone… a “rape babysitter” if you will.

Take a second. Roll that particular phrase in your mouth. Let the horror of it wash over you. And then ask yourself whether there’s someone in your community who folks try to work around instead of, y’know, fixing the problem.

Now back to your question CiT. You’ve got yourself a bad case of a missing stair. Everyone around knows that there’s a missing stair. But there are folks who don’t want to actually deal with the missing stair. Maybe they think it’s too much hassle.  Or it could be that they think the stair’s problem is one of ignorance. Maybe they think it’s not bad enough to warrant fixing. Perversely, there may be folks who LIKE that particular gap and feels like it just adds something to the house that offsets the risks. But the fact is that the stair is still f

king missing and people are getting hurt.

Case in point: the management of your sport team. The fact that they’re unwilling to do anything “because it’s just accusations” is a common response. Many people will fall back on the idea of “well we haven’t proved that this is a problem,” or “what about innocent until proven guilty”. Except there’s one slight problem with this idea: a community or social scene or sports team isn’t a court of law. You’re not putting him on trial in order to determine whether he’s going to jail or not, you’re trying to decide whether it’s a good idea to keep him around. And while it’s good to not just knee-jerk respond to every random accusation with maximum prejudice, there comes a point where people are actively saying that it’s better to keep someone around – someone who’s been credibly accused of some heinous s

t – then actually do anything about it. They’ve weighed the risks of not addressing the problem and decided that the consequences of doing nothing are acceptable.

And honestly, it’s worth noting that the underlying message of saying “well it’s just accusations” is “…so we think ALL those women are lying or exaggerating about this.” Something to keep in mind.

This doesn’t mean that the people who are refusing to act are pro-rapist/harasser/creeper. It could be that they’re the sort of people who fall victim to the idea that “causing drama” is somehow worse than actually addressing the source of the drama. Or they may feel that if they exclude the creeper from the group, it may have greater consequences than letting him stay. After all, if people just apply the correct work-arounds, then he’s not a problem, right?

But the reasons why they won’t address the problem don’t mitigate the fact that there IS a problem. A problem that is harassing, abusing or assaulting people within their community. And, for whatever reason, they’ve decided that they’re more comfortable dismissing the very valid concerns and accusations of the community as being less important than the current status quo.

And to be fair: the status-quo is a motherf

ker. The longer something has been the status-quo, the harder it is to convince people to change. There is a lot of pressure to not rock the boat, no matter how awful the boat may be. Anyone who decides to flout those social niceties is going to be seen as an unmitigated a

hole. Someone who’s making a scene and ruining an otherwise nice evening.

This is where you are, CiT. You’re feeling stuck in a position where you can’t act because you’re going to be the one who causes drama. Isn’t it easier to think of others and not make a scene and ruin the night for everyone?

F

k.

That.

Noise.

That’s exactly what this dude is doing, and it’s not by accident. He’s leveraging those social fallacies against anyone who might actually hold him to account. The only way that’s going to change is if somebody gets a case of the F

k Its. F

k this, f

k that and f

k that guy in particular. Somebody needs to be The A

hole Who Said Something and it may as well be you because – as you’ve seen – nobody else is willing to step up.

So you need to muscle up and decide that being quiet in the name of Going Along To Get Along is un-goddamn-acceptable. It’s time to reach deep down, find your inner Drama-Causing-A

hole and let it rage forth like The Hulk. It’s time to get angry because in the words of a wise man, Angry Gets S

t Done. Yes, you’re going to cause a scene.  Some scenes need to be made. You’re going to be uncivil. Civility is overrated when it comes at the expense of people’s health, safety and right to not be assaulted by somebody. You’ll ruin the night. Some nights need to be ruined.

You need to speak up, loudly and bluntly. No, he is not allowed to be part of your community. If he is allowed at a party that someone else has thrown, then ask the organizer why he’s there and make it very, unpleasantly clear that this is unacceptable and why. If he tries to engage you, tell him to f

k all the way off. Loudly. Make it clear that he is unwanted and unwelcome, no matter what “let’s be civil” bulls

t he pulls. If he tries to manipulate you into explaining or being reasonable, refuse, flatly and loudly. You have no reason to be reasonable. You are a blank, imposing wall that is unresponsive to appeals to decency, community or civility. If he tries to shake your hand, pointedly refuse. If he tries to pull you into a hug, push him away and loudly remind him that if he tries to put a hand on you, he’s pulling back a stump.

If other people ask you to be reasonable, ask them if they’re comfortable with somebody who’s been accused that many times, presumably by people they know and trust. Are they willing to call ALL those people liars or say that they’re mistaken or that it’s ok that they’re no longer comfortable around this guy?

I’m not going to lie: this can be an incredibly uncomfortable thing to do. It may be that you’ll simply be the first pebble that triggers the avalanche and more people will be willing to speak up now that somebody else went first. But you might also find yourself out there on your own. As disturbing as it may be, it’s still necessary. Do it anyway, because somebody needs to do the right thing. And while you may be the guy who’s Causing Drama and Making A Scene, at the very least, you’ll also be able to sleep at night knowing that you’re no longer willing to be dragged into being an unwilling accomplice and accessory to this guy.

And what about his girlfriend?

Well to be perfectly honest: there’s not much you can do. It sucks that this may blow back on her as well but, to be quite frank: her comfort doesn’t override what her boyfriend has done to other people.

Now this doesn’t mean that you need to isolate her as well. She very well may be a victim rather than an accomplice. You and your girlfriend can make it clear: she is welcome. She has your support if she needs it, especially if she decides to leave him. You can be in her corner – if and when she needs it –without enabling her boyfriend’s horrifying behavior. But right now? She’s just one more line of defense, another accessory in his malefactions.

You may not be able to fix this particular stair by yourself. But at the very least, you can make sure that everyone knows that it’s there and that the answer isn’t to just make sure to keep leaping over it – and blaming people for not jumping far or hard enough.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend and I are both virgins, and we’ve have been in a relationship for two years and change. Recently – around two years ago – we ended our long-distance relationship and finally started living together. Ever since I moved in, she’s been more and more insistent on having sex.

Simply put, I don’t want to have sex yet. She always respects it when I say no (otherwise I would have broken up her the first time she did this) but she seems to get very upset when I do. She’s been getting increasingly antsy about it each time. She’s even started telling people I wont have sex with her, and has been making remarks to others about how I wont have sex with her in casual conversation… whether it’s private or not.

I honestly feel quite close to screaming at her about it, but I don’t want to be the person to bring it to that point. The last thing I want is an argument. It’s incredibly upsetting because I feel as though she isn’t respecting my boundaries on this.

If it’s worth mentioning, I’ve still been regularly masturbating and my sex drive is still very much intact. I just don’t personally feel ready for this, the way that she seems to be. She even dropped condoms near me and said “We’re using these tonight” before going to work today.

Thank you

Stressed and Unsure

DEAR STRESSED AND UNSURE: Dude, I’m not going to lie: my immediate response is to tell you to break up with her right the hell now.

I wish you’d included a little more information in your letter, like how old you two are and just why you don’t want to have sex yet. Not because your reasoning makes a difference – you can decide you aren’t ready for any damn reason you choose – but because that would make it easier to give you an idea what to say to her about your desire to not sleep with her just yet.

But the truth is that it doesn’t matter what you say to her because the answer here is to get the fuck out of this relationship already. First, there’s the fact that the two of you are simply sexually incompatible. We tend to think of sexual compatibility as people whose wants, needs and kinks line up correctly or who have relatively similar sex drives. But another element of sexual compatibility is how you feel about sex in general and in your relationship in particular. She wants to have sex right the hell now. You aren’t ready yet and you don’t give an indication of just how long it’ll be until you are ready. That alone is a strong indicator that you two aren’t going to work out. Right now you’re in a situation that’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to her. She would be happier in a relationship with someone who’s ready for sex and you’d be happier in a relationship with someone who’s willing to wait. The kindest thing to do would be for the two of you to break up so that you can find the people you are compatible with.

That having been said, there’s a much bigger issue here than the fact that you two are on different timelines regarding sex, and it’s one that’s way the hell more troubling.

I want to highlight something you said, SaU: “She always respects it when I say no (otherwise I would have broken up her the first time she did this) but she seems to get very upset when I do.”

First of all: getting upset at you for saying no – even if she doesn’t push the issue further – is the oppositeof respecting your no. She’s doing what a lot of people do in toxic relationships: she’s giving you the chance to say “no” but she’s making it abundantly clear that this isn’t the answer that she wants. Now she’s going to punish you until you say “yes” because it’s easier than dealing with the fallout of saying “no”.

But then there’s the rest of her behavior: bringing up your relationship issues with others to humiliate you, dropping condoms off and telling you that you’re fucking her tonight… that’s shitty, that’s unacceptable and it’s coercive as hell.

What she’s doing is trying to get you to change your mind without actually asking you to do so. By making a fuss – getting upset, demanding explanations, bringing it up in ways designed to embarass you in front of friends and strangers – she’s trying to pressure you into to saying yes, even though that’s not what you want. This, unfortunately, is a shockingly common tactic. Sometimes it comes with an implicit threat. Sometimes it comes with an explicit one. Often times it comes with just constantly ignoring the fact that someone said no by asking “So… how about now? What about now? What about now? Oh you didn’t mean it that time, so what about now?”

It doesn’t matter that you masturbate regularly or that your libido is raring and ready to go when you’re finally ready. This is shitty behavior when it’s a guy doing it to his partner, and it’s just as shitty when it’s a woman doing it to hers.

Now I will grant this: you two sound painfully young. It’s entirely possible your girlfriend has bought into the idea that all guys are horny satyrs and can’t quite process why you won’t fuck her already. She may not realize just how toxic her behavior is. But that ignorance doesn’t make what she’s doing any better; the fact that she doesn’t recognize what she’s doing to you doesn’t absolve her from doing it. If – and that’s one mighty big if – you think that she’s acting out of ignorance, then you need to sit her down and have the extended dance remix of a boundary-setting conversation with her. You need to tell her that you have something to say and you need her to listen to all of it before she says anything. Then lay it all out for her: why you aren’t ready to have sex yet, when you might be ready and why her behavior upsets you and – most importantly why she needs to cut it the ever-loving-blue-fuck out.

And then the ball’s in her court. Either she can respect your wishes and your boundaries…  or she can get the hell out.

Frankly, my vote’s on the latter. But who knows; sometimes people will surprise you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I hit it off with this girl at work. She is here on an international program and won’t be in the states for long. She said she was open to having a fun time and, well, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together.

She told me her previous sexual experiences weren’t that good, so I decided to make it all about her that night.  She seemed to enjoy everything because in the heat of the moment she said “finally a guy that knows what a girl wants”

She stayed the night and, come morning, we started making out and had great morning sex together. She left a couple of hours later, kissed me and thanked me for a great time. We decided to remain friends who hook up on occasion.

We continued texting for a few days and decided to hang out again… only her roommates joined us this time. We went out for drinks and I could feel we were leaning closer into each other and I really wanted to kiss her. I guess she wasn’t into it because the next thing I know, she told me “We are just hanging out as friends.”

I pumped the brakes and decided not to follow through. I asked if she was going home after and she said that she had recently had her hair done and “I go home with you my hair will get sweaty.” This made me laugh.

Once the night came to an end I just felt awkward about the whole situation. Now I am wondering: how do I keep cool and not “scare her off”?

Trying To Stay Casual

DEAR TRYING TO STAY CASUAL: Alright my dude, let me give you the advice you really need right now: slow. Your. Roll.

There’re a couple things going on here. The first is that the fact that you hooked up and had that awesome night (and morning after) doesn’t mean that you’re gonna bang every time you hang out. Part of that whole “friends who hook up on occasion” agreement you made were the words “friends” and “on occasion”. While she enjoyed the sex and had a great time, that doesn’t translate to “sex is always on the table.” I suspect that what she’s much more interested in is a friend who she can hang out with, enjoy herself, have fun while she’s overseas… and if she happens to decide “yes, a dude going down on me would be nice tonight”, she knows that you’re going to be a reliable good time.

So don’t necessarily assume that sex is going to happen whenever you see one another. There will likely be times when she just wants company and companionship. That’s harder to enjoy if she feels like she’s gonna have to turn you down every single time you get together.

The other thing to keep in mind: her roommates were there with you. It’s entirely possible that she doesn’t want her roommates to know much about her business – especially who she’s hooking up with. Right now you’re a friend and a good time, not her boyfriend. She may not want to have to explain that you’re a friend with occasional benefits. Or she may just not like making out in front of her roommates.

Or it could well be that as much as she enjoyed your hook-up, it was a one-time thing and she doesn’t have any interest in another round – either in general or with you.

Now none of this means that you have to act like the sex never happened or that you have to behave like she’s a nun. Hang out with her, flirt with her, be your fun, cool self. Just be aware of her comfort and her interest. Let her take the lead to let you know if she’s in the mood for kissing someone or being kissed. The more fun the two of you have together without her feeling like you’re expecting sex at the end of the night, the better the odds are that she’ll be interested in another night with a guy who knows what he’s doing in bed.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a young lad only 15 and I recently asked a girl out that I had been thinking about for a small amount of time. I was very straightforward and direct as I usually am, she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but gave me her number anyway.

I’m mainly trying to suss out what she means, any help would be great!

Thanks!

Don’t Forget My Number

DEAR DON’T FORGET MY NUMBER: It means pretty much what she said, man. She’s not interested in a relationship.

But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you or think you’re cool; clearly she wants to stay in contact if she gave you her number. So treat this as a low-key opportunity to talk, flirt and possibly hang out with someone cool.

Just don’t treat this as a way of back-door-ing your way into a relationship. If she wants to date you, she’ll let you know.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 27 years old. I have this friend named D. I have known this girl since I was in high-school. The thing is, I have never actually met the girl in person. We have talked a great deal since getting to know each other and now we have become pretty good friends. Well, just recently, as in last year, our conversations began to become slightly heated. We have begun to talk more in depth about fantasies of being together. We have talked about this before, just not so intensely.

I should point out that D is married and already has one child by her current husband. I understand that finding an attraction to someone else’s wife is morally wrong. But I really do feel an attraction to this woman and I’ve told her so. Her response to me expressing my feelings to her were to ask me why I waited to tell her how I felt. The truth was, I wasn’t ready to tell her because I always believed that until I felt confident that I could support a significant other I didn’t want to express myself to someone like that. I should also point out that another reason I waited to tell her was because of the distance. She and I live away from each other by a distance of several states. Also, we’ve never actually met, although I’ve expressed significant interest in coming to visit her for at least a few days.

So back to my story. Recently the conversations have become more heated. Early this year, we decided to cross the line into sending each other explicit texts and pictures. Not much, but one or two is certainly enough to tease. That is not my only drive or reason for sending you this letter. I honestly feel that I can communicate freely with her and tell her whatever is on my mind and not have to fear anything that she may back. I feel as though we understand each other on many levels. I have already expressed my desire to be with her and just whisk her away to a world that currently only resides in my imagination. My question, and this is a big question, is… is it worth it? I’d be making a huge leap of faith here on my side.

I am already established in my career where I live and she’s established in hers. I have asked her what she would do if I decided to take the big leap and seek out a relationship with her. She expressed a desire to stay close to her family, which I understand since I have a close relationship with my family here. This would seem to leave me with the big decision of either uprooting my own lifestyle and trying to adapt to hers. Or maybe I could ask if she would be willing to move out to me.

I understand it would be gambling a lot and the two of us could stand to sacrifice big initially. I certainly don’t want to break into a marriage unless I was sure it could work, although I believe I already crossed this line somewhat when we started sexting. She has expressed discontent in her current living arrangement with her husband though. I don’t know if this means I am truly able to have a chance with this girl or if I’ve somehow just conveniently become her outlet while she is at a low point. I really want to believe that she has feelings for me the way I have for her. I’m just curious to know if all these feelings are worth making the leap to see her though.

Would it be better if I made a short trip to her area and talked with her? I am not looking for someone to make my decision for me. But seeing as you have given much sound advice in the past, I feel that you are a fantastic person in which to ask their opinion and get an outside view into the situation I am facing. I would appreciate any advice you can give to me, no matter how brief or long the advice is. I thank you in advance.

Leap of Faith

DEAR LEAP OF FAITH: Slow your roll, son.

This isn’t gambling; gambling implies that there’s a vaguely reasonable chance you could win. This is buying a scratch-off ticket and hoping for the million dollar jackpot.

Let’s start with the fact that you don’t really know this woman. You are talking about uprooting your life and completely disrupting hers (and causing not inconsiderable levels of trauma to her kid) when there’s a critical stage that you haven’t hit yet: meeting her in person.

Now look, don’t get me wrong: I believe that successful relationships can and do start online. I know people who met on World of Warcraft and got married in real life. I’ve got friends I’ve known for over a decade now that I met through an online forum and I consider many of them lifelong friends. But the thing is: I’ve met most of ’em out in meatspace. I’ve eaten with them, gotten drunk with them, danced with them been to movies and cons with them, I’ve sold comics with them, helped them hit on women (and men), even been to (and officiated at) their weddings and they’ve been to mine. There are several of them who I haven’t actually met in person yet and while I consider us friends, it’s just not the same as having met in the flesh.

And that’s a critical issue here. You may know each other’s deepest, darkest secrets. You may have had long text and IM conversations into the night. You may have run up insane phone bills talking to one another, but you still haven’t met in person. And to be perfectly honest, there is no substitute for that. No amount of phone calls, sexting or Skyping or trading photos back and forth is going to equal the experience of actually being in the same room at the same time. Yes, the Internet lets us build connections, even relationships with people from all around the world but we’re still animals and no matter how much we may connect on an intellectual level, that physical connection is absolutely vital. I’ve met people I’ve had insanely flirty emails and phone conversations with but when we met in person we had all of the charge of a damp squib.

And you really don’t want to find this out after she’s initiated divorce proceedings and you’ve quit your job and moved half-way across the country.

Of course, this is all before you factor in all of the other issues.

Could a relationship between the two of you work? Sure. Someone’s gotta win the MegaMillions jackpot, after all. But it’s pretty goddamn unlikely. You two may love each other as much as you can without actual physical contact but, frankly (and now this song is going to be stuck in my head) but love just ain’t enough. You’re coming into this with some serious problems – you live across the country from each other, you’re both firmly established in your own lives, she’s married, has a child with her husband and, like I said, YOU HAVE NOT MET IN PERSON YET. Any one of these is going to cause problems in a relationship. Put them all together… well, I hate to be blunt but I wouldn’t be betting on you crazy kids making it work. You’d be banking on being the exception rather than the rule and the odds of that are next to astronomical.

But hey, I get that when you’re in love, you’re in love and you want to give it a shot no matter how ill-advised.

So if you’re determined to ignore me and actually try to pursue this (DON’T), then my advice to you is to put everything about a relationship on the back-burner. Hell, I’d recommend putting it all back into the damn pantry for now. Start slow. Try taking a trip out to just visit her – not to have the “defining the relationship” talk, not to decide who’s moving where – hell, not even to sleep together (which, considering that she’s married, is another topic entirely). Just go and see  how the two of you do in person. Even if the two of you get along like a house on fire when you’re together in the flesh, do not start making relationship plans. There is a profound difference between seeing each other for a weekend at a time and living together as many a long-distance couple has found to their sorrow.

And believe me, visiting her is going to be difficult enough, what with the aforementioned husband and child. Unless the two of them are in an open relationship, it’s going to be pretty damned awkward for her to get some serious alone time with a dude from the Internet she’s never actually met in person before. You’re going to be lucky if you manage to get a movie together, never mind quality naked time.

You have feelings. Fine. But feelings aren’t going to make a relationship work, especially a relationship that requires disrupting your lives to the degree that this would. Take some time – a lot of time – to make sure this is a relationship that has legs in the real world before you make any hasty and life altering decisions.

(Side note: there’s nothing morally wrong with feelings, even if you have feelings for someone who’s in a relationship. It’s what you do with those feelings that matters.)

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently had a one night stand with some talent coming through my city. It wasn’t a drunken escapade, and it was an overall very pleasant experience. We cuddled, almost as much as being otherwise entertained, and he was really affectionate. He was leaving for the next venue the next day, and he stayed with me until he had to leave, I dropped him off with hugs and kisses and he said he’d like to keep in touch and will probably be performing again in a few months. I joked he has my number too, and wished him safe travels. 

So my question is this: am I deluded to think he actually wants to hear from me? Isn’t that how one night stands work, the cliched, “I’ll call you?” Are all single incident escapades that … intimate, for lack of better word, even after the sex?

I actually like him, despite living in different states at the moment, and would like to text him. What do I follow up with? 

(And for the record, I did go into the experience knowing it would probably be the only time I see him, and am okay with that, however I had a wonderful time and connected more than I expected, so why not reach out?)

Sleepless In San Antonio

DEAR SLEEPLESS IN SAN ANTONIO: There’s no law that says that hooking up with someone can’t be emotionally intimate as well as physically. Many an amazing relationship started as a one-night stand, even long-distance ones. Sometimes you get a friends-with-benefits relationship. Sometimes you end up as friends who had a fling. And sometimes that one night stand just doesn’t end. Over the course of my dating career I eventually made the decision that I wasn’t going to sleep with anyone, even just for a one-night stand, that I couldn’t see myself being friends with… and I’ve ended up with some great friends that way.

Clearly the two of you had great emotional chemistry as well being hot for each others bods. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t make at least an overture to stay in contact; send him a text and say “hey”. You don’t need any elaborate excuse to get in contact, just ask him how life on the road is going. Keeping it light, friendly and open-ended is the key.

Just keep your expectations reasonable and open; going in hoping that this is going to turn into a romance to last the ages is going to be a recipe for heartbreak.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)