DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a sixteen year old girl who is dating a massive gaming nerd, and while I’m pretty into gaming and anime myself, I find it insanely hard to relate to a lot of the conversations we have. I love him to death, and it’s never that I get bored during the conversation, I just have no idea how to respond and I really wish I did. Also, I’ve noticed how your website is more sexually inclined however a lot of the articles relate more to men and I’ve asked my friends and family about my problem but their advice never seems to hit home.

I had a few delusions about sex before my boyfriend and I did the deed a month ago. We’ve been having steady sex since then, however I haven’t been able to get off a single time since we’ve become sexually active. He’s a ram and bam type of guy and typically ends up going fast until he comes, and that doesn’t really feel good to me. He’s also not small and ends up hitting my cervix most of the time and it doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t feel good either. I was a virgin before, so I don’t have any experience at all in this category and I don’t know if it’s me or him that’s doing it wrong. I’ve lied and told him I’ve come every time we do it, but I do voice my concerns and try doing different things and none of them work. To be honest I’ve never come while masturbating and I’m really afraid I’m defective sexually. Please help!

First Timer

DEAR FIRST TIMER: Let’s slow your roll a little bit, FT. You’re letting a whole lot of things steam-roll into one giant ball of anxiety. Fortunately, the solution all around is simple: you need to use your words. However, I get that this all feels massive and consequential, so we’re gonna pick things apart a little.

Let’s start with the sex, because sorting this out is going to set you up to be able to sort out the other issues as well.

I despair for the sex ed in this country because, quite frankly, it’s awful. If it’s not a glorified plumbing diagram, it’s a giant parcel of lies about sex and abstinence and leaves out all kinds of critical information like “sex is supposed to feel good,” “this the clitoris,” and “porn is nothing like sex in the real world”. One of the things that doesn’t get covered in sex ed is that most women can’t get off from vaginal penetration alone. If you were to believe porn, women start to orgasm as soon as the guy penetrates her and has “look ma, no hands!” orgasms one after another. In real life however, 99% of women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to actually climax and you’re not going to get that through someone jackhammering away at you like a construction worker digging up the street.

But here’s the thing: if you want your partner – whether this guy or someone else in the future – to know how to get you off, YOU need to know how you get off. And that takes some experimentation. Having a penis is somewhat of an advantage here; because it’s external, it’s easier to get started playing around with things and figuring out what’s going to do the trick for you. As a result, that makes it far easier for folks as what got pensises to come to partnered sex knowing their arousal patterns and exactly what sort of stimulation you need. But if you have a vagina and a clit, on the other hand, it’s a tad more difficult – doubly so because of how stigmatized female sexuality is.

So what you need to do is to explore yourself and your body and experiment with different ways of masturbating. Just your hands, with a sex toy or a vibrator, with the shower head… figure out just what you like, how hard or soft you like it and where and how you like it. Vary the pressure and intensity and location – some women need to have direct clitoral contact, others need indirect contact (to the sides or top of the clitoris) while others need pressure on the vulva or pelvis as a whole. Keep in mind that everybody’s different; some people take a long time to get off and require some pretty intense stimulation while other people are easier to get off than an old pair of shoes. That doesn’t make one defective and the other “right”, that’s just how they’re built.

Once you’ve got a fairly solid handle on what gets you off, then it’s time to start practicing a skillset that’s going to serve you well for the rest of your life: communicating your needs and desires to your partner.

Right now, the sex you’re having is all about him and his orgasm. Not only is it not doing anything for you, it’s actually pretty damn uncomfortable. While there are women who enjoy the feeling of getting pounded hard and hitting the cervix, it doesn’t sound like you’re one of them. The problem is that you’ve been telling him what he wants to hear: that he’s been getting you off every time. This means that he doesn’t have any real motivation to, y’know, change things up. All that stroking his ego (ahem) in this way does is encourage him to keep doing what he’s doing because a) he gets his and b) he thinks he’s doing the trick for you in the process.  That, in turn, means that you’re less likely to get your needs met.

So instead of faking your orgasms and telling him he’s been doing it just right, it’s time to come clean and admit the truth: that you didn’t know what to say or how to ask for it and that you didn’t actually get off when you said you did. Then, ask him to do what does get you off.

I know this is going to feel intimidating, awkward and scary. Trust me: you’re sixteen, you’re not expected to know all of this. This is the time when you learn how to speak up for yourself.

Don’t be afraid to speak up about what you need or about what you need him to stop doing or do differently. He is not a mind reader, (nor are any of your future partners) and you’re not telepathic. Unless you say something, he won’t know to do it. If he won’t do it… well that’s a different conversation entirely and one that may need to go in a very different direction.

And while we’re on the subject: don’t restrict your idea of “sex” to just penetration. Oral sex, hand jobs, playing with sex toys, mutual masturbation… these are all different and valid ways of having sex. These give you options besides having to default to penis-in-vagina style banging every single time. And one final thing: having said “yes” once before, or even many times, doesn’t obligate you to have sex with someone any time you don’t want to. Neither does being in a relationship with them. You have a right to define when and how you do and don’t have sex with someone.

But getting back to using your words…

That same “speak up” philosophy applies to your conversations with him as well. Let him know that you’re not really connecting with the things he’s talking about and be willing to change the subject or lead the conversation yourself on occasion. Everybody’s going to have their rhythm and patterns within a relationship and one person will likely do more of the leading, but that doesn’t mean that they get a monopoly on all conversational topics.

Trust me: the sooner you get comfortable with advocating for your own pleasure and needs, in bed or out of it, the better the sex and your relationships will be.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just recently walked for university. I have one more semester but it’s going to be abroad. Regardless, most of my friends I know are done with university and are onto other things. My tight-knit group is being separated and it’s really upsetting me. I get the feeling I may never see them again, which is ridiculous of course, but it just makes me incredibly sad to see them go.

I’ve always been afraid of being alone, and this just enhances that feeling. At the moment I’m sitting in my hometown at my family’s house, whom I love dearly, but this town just enables me to pout and feel sorry for myself.

Am I doomed? Is there any way to deal with this? I feel like I’m being cut off. They were my rock while I was adjusting to university life and now it seems like it has been broken. I just hate feeling alone, and them being hours away just enhances that.

Thanks,

Outward Bound

DEAR OUTWARD BOUND: You’re not doomed, OB. The pain you’re feeling is premature enlightenment. The fact that your social circle is starting to go in different directions doesn’t mean that you’re alone or being abandoned, it just means that you’re moving into a new phase in your life.

The anxiety you feel is perfectly natural, perfectly understandable and completely inaccurate. You’re not alone. In fact, in this day and age, between texting, Twitter, Facebook, WhatsApp, Kik, Instagram, FaceTime, Snapchat, Skype and every other social media service under the sun, you have more ways of keeping in contact with them than ever before. Hell, now that VR is slowly starting to enter the consumer market, it’s entirely possible for you all to hang out in the same room even when you’re thousands of miles apart.

But rather than just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you need to be proactive. Now is the time to go out and start practicing your social skills and connecting with new people. Don’t worry about trying to find people who you’re just as tight with as your current group, just make a point of being social and building that network of people around you. Maybe some of them will be as close as your current friends. Maybe some of them will only be part of your life for a little while. Either way, that’s fine. Having these new people in your life will help remind you that no, you’re not alone. Taking control – knowing that you can meet new people and make new friends – will help push that fear away.

And don’t forget: you and your current friends can make plans to get back together and see each other. Maybe now’s a good time to start planning for a group vacation a few months down the line.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been off and on with someone who I’ve been in a long distance relationship with. We’ve known each other for four years going onto five and we haven’t seen each other.

We’ve been on and off mainly because he was mentally unstable, depressed, and elusive. Fights would happen, then he would disappear for almost months and randomly text me. We would fall back in love with each other, then he would promise to make an effort to handle his mental health, not confuse me, and work on his finances so that’d we’d be able to see each other. Last year, I had the money to come down and see him but he did the same thing again. The trip was delayed because I didn’t want to waste money on coming to see him if our relationship wasn’t in good shape.

This is the beginning of year five, I’ve found myself another job for the spring and summer and I’ll be going back to college in August. My boyfriend seems to still be pretty depressed. still talks about a writing project he and his friends were working on to get money coming in, and every once in a while, he’ll tell me that he’s looking for jobs. Most of the time when I video chat him, he’s smoking weed or playing video games in his living room/bedroom. The only thing I seen a change in is that he does check in on me more often and asks if I am okay, tells me he is here for me, etc. Either his mom seems to be okay with his current state or either he emotionally manipulates his mom into cutting him slack by blowing up and threatening suicide.

(He did that to me in the past when I spoke on things he needed to actually work on and stop waiting for his blessings to come in).

Knowing him for four years, I know he has a good heart but there’s little action or effort to what he says or promises me. I’ve been contemplating on whether I should visit him this April to kick things off ,or wait until he’s financially stable to pitch in the expenses.  I know I will be upset with myself and him if I go out my way to visit him for the first time just to see that he still isn’t going to make an effort to get a job. The last thing I want is to be the only one making moves.

Also, I know that visiting each other won’t be the cure to his depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies, but I worry about investing emotionally in someone who may continue to not put any effort into bettering his mental health. I want to see him because it’s been too long. but at the same time I don’t know if I should delay seeing each other for the first time again or let him go because of the lack of progress.

Should I break up with him or take things slower until I see progress?

Leaving On A Jet Plane

DEAR LEAVING ON A JET PLANE: So, first of all, LOJP: you’re not in a relationship with this dude.

I’m a great believer in the ability to make friends over the Internet. Back in May, I went to the U.K. to see friends I’ve known for twenty years that I had never met in person. I’ve had people who I only know via Discord, Twitter and Facebook help me make massive leaps in my personal and professional development.

But I don’t believe that you can have a romantic relationship with someone you have never actually met. 

The issue isn’t the distance. It’s not even that most of your relationship is conducted online. It’s that you have never actually been in the same room together.

This is, in no small part because – to quote the sage – love isn’t brains, children. It’s blood, blood screaming inside you to work its will. Every romantic relationship, even amongst asexuals, has a physical component to it – a sense of intimacy and connection that doesn’t exist in a purely mental bond. You’ve never spent time with him in person to know if you like how he smells or the way he fits into your arm or the sense of his presence in the room even if you aren’t touching. You haven’t discovered if you like how he kisses, how he touches you or even if you’re sexually compatible. It doesn’t matter how many Skype sessions you’ve shared or even the amount of phone-sex you may have. We are physical beings who need touch and physical contact. Without those… well, all you have is an emotional connection… and a relationship isn’t going to work without a physical one too.

But let’s put that aside and talk about the relationship you do have with him and what you should do about it.

That having been said: I think you need to dump this guy. Because even if you did have a fully-fledged romantic – albeit long-distance – relationship… this is a relationship that’s already on life-support. One of the signs that a relationship has already started to die is when you have the same fights over and over again and nothing changes. Over the span of five years now, you’ve had the same arguments with this dude, and he’s made all the same promises. He’s going to get a job, he’s going to take care of his mental health, he’s going to contribute equally to this relationship. And for the last five years nothing has changed. He’s still making the same noises about waiting for his ship to come in and those baller moves that’ll bring him all the money and you’ve got sweet fuck-all to show for it besides Skype sessions involving weed and video games.

The past may be prologue and people do change but in this case? Past performance are pretty indicative of future results. And while sometimes I will advocate using the threat of a break-up as the pre-cursor to belting someone upside the head with the Chair Leg of Truth, I don’t think you can trust this dude to actually make any lasting changes. I think you will get one of two results if you threaten to dump him. Either he’ll do the “I can change, I can change I can change” dance until he figures he’s got you off his back or he’s going to throw a fit and make threats of self-harm until you back down. This is something he’s done to you before, and he knows it works, so he has no reason to not try it again.

Although to be perfectly honest: the fact that he’s pulled that shit before is, in and of itself, a reason to dump him so hard his grandparents get divorced retroactively. It’s bad enough that he just straight-up ghosts you for months after a fight. Using threats of self-harm are incredibly low and cynically manipulative and folks who pull that shit need to be kicked to the curb with a quickness.

So I think the best thing you can do, LOJP, is save your money, your sanity and your soul. Cancel the trip, cancel the relationship and block this dude on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Skype and any other way he has of reaching you. The last thing you need is this dude to shamble back into your DMs and texts like a horny zombie.

This relationship died a while ago and it’s been rotting ever since. It’s time to put two in it’s dome and call it. You’ll be happier in the long run.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is a very tricky situation for me. I’m 18 and I’m in my first relationship, with a woman I’ve been dating for a year and 7 months. I know it is unlikely that a relationship will last at this young of an age, but I really love her and I really feel that I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she feels the same way.

Lately though, I have been getting a crush on her best friend, who is dating my best friend, and I don’t know what to do. I know that there is almost no possibility of anything happening between us, but I can’t stop thinking about her and having fantasies about her. This has happened before with another one of my girlfriend’s best friends; I had a crush on her and had fantasies about her to but that only lasted like a month. The current one has been going on for about 3 months now.

I’ve been trying to get over it and keep telling myself it’s just a crush, but I really don’t know what to do. I] have felt so bad about feeling these things, just like I did the last time. Even though i know it’s wrong I can’t stop feeling like this. 

Help!

Unfaithful Brain

DEAR UNFAITHFUL BRAIN: OK my dude, let me give you some advice that is going to make life infinitely easier for you: you will always want to bang other people. The fact that you’ve got the horn for your girlfriend’s BFF has nothing to do with the state of your relationship. It has nothing to do with the depth of your feelings for her or your commitment to her. All those feelings you feel right now? Those sweaty dreams and alluring fantasies? Those are just signs that you’re a mammal with a sex-drive.

That’s it.

Love isn’t magic. It isn’t going to make you blind to every other woman out there, nor is it going to disconnect signals from your eyes to your junk. A monogamous commitment, likewise, isn’t a spell of Protection From Attraction 10′ Radius. All an exclusive commitment means is that you’ve promised that you wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. It doesn’t mean that you won’t want to.

The way you’re feeling right now, with these crushes that’re causing you so much anxiety? That’s the perfectly normal reaction to seeing a woman you find attractive. It’s something that happens to everyone, man, woman, or enbie, gay, bi, pan, or straight and that’s fine. Feelings and attraction are inherently neutral. Having fantasies is neutral too. What you get up to between your ears is between you and your hand. It’s only when you act on those attractions that things start to get messy.

So what do you do about all of this? Well honestly… nothing. There’s nothing to do about it. Trying to repress your feelings is a mistake. It’s akin to using a stress-ball; squeezing it down will only make it come squishing out the sides and gaps. Instead just let yourself feel it. Note that you have a crush, name it – “oh right, this is my crush on Emily” – and just let it be. There’s nothing wrong with having one, and to be honest, crushes are fun. Take some of that energy, plow it into your relationship with your girlfriend but otherwise just feel it and leave it. As with your previous crush, this will fade in time on its own.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I found out a girl I work with was into me and I liked her too. We began texting and I asked her out on a date to which she agreed.

The night before the date we met up and eventually one thing led to another (I had my arm around her, etc) until we began making out.

She texted me later that she had a great time and was excited for the date. However, the next morning she texted me that she was sick and was sorry that she had to cancel. We rescheduled the date (when asked if she wanted to she replied “yes!”) However my question is how do I keep that momentum going between us. The date is a week away.

Don’t Stop Not Stopping

DEAR DON’T STOP NOT STOPPING: All things considered, I don’t think you need to worry about anything DSNS. But if you’re especially worried, just shoot her a flirty text.

“Hey, were you at $PLACE yesterday? Because I may have seen your evil twin” or “I just had the weirdest dream about you in a koala suit so I wanted to say ‘hi’. Oh, and stay out of my dreams” both make for cute, low-key flirting that can help keep the momentum going.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 26 year old guy who has been single for about 10 years now and I solely hold the blame for this for refusing to put myself out there, a couple reasons aside but one unique that I’m sharing now.

In my last relationship, when I was about 16, I was dating my best friend, who I met through both being bullied and standing up against our said bullies together and both suffering with depression and suicidal tendencies. Our relationship was possibly one of the most toxic you could think of. She would break up with me, say she had messed with other guys then get together again within days, but as my first girlfriend, I would be hurt but accept her back again. She would self-harm, cutting herself with safety pins and boxcutters, and this had hurt me so, to the point that, (so ashamed) I started to cut as well, in an attempt to get her to stop, and she had for a few weeks. Eventually, I got addicted to it and would cut not even being depressed.

After a year of this, there came a point where she had to break things off with me indefinitely (we lost our virginity to each other and her parents found out) and I lost it, I tried to commit suicide right after, and I had used a razorblade to carve her name into my left wrist along with about 20 more scars across it. I was taken from the school, and institutionalized for 5 days and was forced to go to a therapist for about a year.

Fast forward to now: While I do still have my bouts with depression and social anxiety, I have many other ways to cope but the scars, her name included are still there, very present to see and have never went away. I have had some female interests but I always hold back emotionally and try to mind keeping my arm folded over to not have my arm seen. I’ve slipped up before and a girl would ask “What’s that” but I would just say “Oh, I had an bad accident, fell into some glass as a kid” or “Not sure what you mean” and change the subject swiftly and it usually works for that time but I know that it can’t really go away.

But my most recent dating disaster was the last straw for me as there was a girl that I have been seeing for 2 months now, and I got comfortable enough to tell her over the phone, at least that I used to self-harm and about that ex but she never physically seen it, it was the winter months and was in a hoodie or long sleeve the whole time and didn’t think about it when we seen each other next. But eventually she broke things off with me Christmas Eve but over other reasons, but I felt it was a part of those reasons but it was one of the hardest breaks I’ve had in a few years now.

I hate to throw one more layer on this, but if it matters, also being a black man, I feel even more insecure about this as mental health conversations stereotypically aren’t a thing in the community and the fact that I have gotten much shit from other black people for “doing something white people only do” (not my words, don’t mean to offend), I feel even more isolated trying to get comfortable and own up to this or get to the point I could or even would explain it to someone at all, to someone of my own race or not.

Only thing I could think of is just having to wear long sleeves now all year long or maybe get a tattoo over it, but to be honest, placing myself in any girl’s shoes, and hearing a guy had cut an ex’s name into his arm years ago, I understand perfectly why they would do an about-face and run for the hills immediately after. But, do I deserve this forever for being a shitty person in my teens?

Thank you for the help.

Scars of The Past

DEAR SCARS OF THE PAST: I’m going to be blunt. Scars, there’s only one thing you need to do here. You need to make like a Disney character and just let it go.

For real: you were a shitty teenager with an anxiety condition (which sucks but is totally understandable), a girlfriend with a similar issue and an overdeveloped sense of drama (which is to say: you were a teenager). You and your girlfriend both were stuck in an ugly feedback loop. She’s self-harm, you’d self-harm to try to get her to stop self-harming, that would trigger things in her, wash, rinse, repeat.

Obviously this wasn’t healthy for either of you and you both came out of it with literal scars. But here’s the thing: that was ten years ago. You got therapy, you got a handle on your mental health, you don’t cut or self-harm any more. That’s not who you are any more.

So why in pluperfect hell are you still acting like it? My dude, you are taking an issue from when you were a teenager, deep frying it in extra drama and serving it up with a side of drama sauce for dipping. Yeah, you did stupid stuff when you were a teenager. So did literally everyone else. It’s called “being a teenager”. The only difference is that most people look back on the stupid stuff they did as a teenager, cringe a little and pray to whatever gods they believe in that they managed to scrub the evidence off Facebook and 4chan. You, on the other hand, keep it close to your heart like a sh

ty edgelord phylactery.

You need to let that go dude, cuz honestly, the only person who gives that much of a damn about it? Is you.

And the only person who can forgive you for this? Also you.

Yeah, you have physical scars to remind you, but it’s the mental ones that’re messing you up right now. You keep this around like it’s The Sin That Can Never Be Forgiven instead of the depressed kid’s version of getting their girlfriend’s name as a tattoo and now they feel like they can only date girls named Meg. Seriously, as far as teenaged indiscretions go, yours is fairly common – concerning, yes, but hardly disqualifying as a potential boyfriend. You weren’t sexually abusive or physically violent. You just didn’t know how to handle some intense crap.

And that’s OK. You were a a teenager. Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing when they’re a teenager. Especially when it involves someone you care about harming themselves.

Your past is your past, my dude. It sucks that you went through all of that and I totally sympathize. But right now the past isn’t prologue; it’s not even past. And the only person who’s really making a fuss about it is you. Hell, even the last person you told about having done self-harm took it in stride. The only person who seems to think your scars were an issue is you and – no offense – you’re not the most reliable source here.

So here’s what you need to do: let the immensity of this go. You can forgive yourself for the things you did nearly half your lifetime ago. It’s ok. This isn’t a burden that you need to carry for the rest of your life.

 Stop treating your scars like something to hide or be ashamed of and stop lying about them. Here’s what you say if anyone asks: “I had an anxiety issue when I was younger, and I didn’t handle it well.” That’s it. 99% of people will understand, and the remaining 1% who might give you damn about it will have self-selected out of your dating pool either.

OK sure, you have someone’s name carved into your arm. Fortunately, that’s easily taken care of; go find a tattoo artist whose work you admire and get that sucker covered up. See if you can come up with a symbol or design that represents who you are now – or who you want to be – and get that sucker slapped right over that name.  You’re not pretending it never happened; you’re just acknowledging that it doesn’t define you. It’s part of what made you who you are today, not the Mark of Cain.

You’ve put in a lot of work to get your mental health in order, Scars. That took guts. That took effort and strength and perseverance. Stop undoing all the hard work you put in by treating the things you did as a teenager who didn’t know better as the mark of eternal damnation. You’ve grown past being that person. Forgive yourself for being imperfect, forgive yourself for the things that you did and accept that it’s in the past. Let the past go and be who you are now.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Love your blog; you give awesome advice so I had to ask you about this.

I’m a young single woman with a dilemma. I hate when people use numbers to assign attractiveness to people, but I’m going to here just to make the divide clear.

There’s a bar in my city that my friends and/or my family go to once a week, almost every week. The bartenders and security team know us well and we always have a great time. One of the security guys is really fun to hang out with; he’s super sweet and hilarious, and he’s extremely hot. He and I really get along well and I’ve always thought that it had a lot to do with the fact that since he’s a ten and I’m a three, that I feel totally comfortable around him as a friend. That’s not a slam to my self-esteem by the way, I know I’m a three and I’m happy dating other threes. Recently, however, this guy has been messaging me a lot more frequently than usual. It’s always playful like, “missed you this week, love ya!” Or “been thinking about you…kisses” and the last time I saw him, right before I left, he made sure to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek – not normal for us.

He seems really great so I’d totally be down, even if it’s just casual, but my hesitation stems from not knowing his motivation. He could probably have any girl he wanted, so why the heck is he pursuing me!? I’ve never been pursued by someone that is as attractive as him and it makes me nervous. Am I right to be cautious or should I just start returning the flirting and see where it goes?

It’s A Trap?

DEAR IT’S A TRAP: You know, IaT, I’m reminded of the story of Brienne of Tarth.

(Spoilers if you’re not necessarily upon your Game of Thrones)

Part of her backstory is that Brienne was not traditionally good looking or femme-presenting. She’s taller than fashionable, more muscular than most women, slimmer hipped and flat-chested and a face that seems more mannish and out of proportion than was desirable. But as the young daughter of nobility, there were those who actively courted her, including a young man who she thought loved her.

Turns out, he was part of a group of sh

ty courtiers who thought it’d be funny to compete to lead her on and see who’d be the first to bang her because sometimes people are shitty that way. Needless to say: she was shattered by this revelation, which seemed to only confirm that nobody could possibly love someone as ugly as she.

It’s not unreasonable to be worried about people acting like this. There’re a number of real-world parallels to be found; frat boys who “go hogging”, for example, or sh

ty edgelords who catfish autistic “lolcows” and lead them to think that they’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t actually exist.

But the fact that sh

ty people exist doesn’t mean that everybody’s sh

ty. Nor, for that matter, does the fact that YOU think that you’re a three mean that everyone thinks you’re a three. Attraction is an incredibly personal issue. While we may agree on a lot of people who are conventionally attractive, the fact that they’re attractive doesn’t mean that everyone’s attracted to them. Kim Kardashian is a good-looking woman, but there’re people who will never see the appeal. Michael B. Jordan may make a girl so horny she bit through her own retainer, but there’re women who wouldn’t bang him with someone else’s junk.

Which is to say: you may have a view of your own attractiveness, but that doesn’t mean that this dude agrees with you. He may well dig your personality or your sense of humor, or he just may think you’re hot, even if you don’t.

Or he could be horny and figures you might be up for something without too much work.

Or he just may be naturally flirty and feels as though the two of you have reached a point in your friendship that he feels comfortable flirting with you. Some people will flirt because it’s harmless fun, not because they want anything to happen.

The point is: you don’t know what it could be because hey, you’re not Jean Grey or Professor X. What you are is intelligent, however. Based on what you know about the guy, how likely do you think it is that he’s just screwing with your head? In the time that you’ve known him, has he ever revealed himself to be callous or cruel? Or has he been a good guy, even when he thinks nobody’s looking?

And while it’s not unreasonable to be cautious, I’d also say that the question to ask is: how do you feel about things?Are you enjoying the flirting for the sake of flirting? Are you cool with a little mutual bantering, or does it make you uncomfortable if it’s just flirting? If it turns out that he just wants what he thinks might be a low-investment, low-effort hook-up, are you ok with taking advantage of that to bang a seriously hot dude? If he’s using you, are you cool with using him in return?

I’m of the opinion of balancing what you know of him vs. what you’d like to see happen. If you think you’ve got enough of a grasp on what this dude is about and you’re willing to roll the dice, I say flirt back a little and see what happens. If he starts to up the ante, then go ahead and call the question and ask just where he’s going with this.

And to go back to Brienne: not only did she grow up to be one of the greatest knights of her generation, but she’s got at least one dude (or more) more than half in love with her. Which is to say: don’t discount the possibility that he may genuinely like you. The fact that you may not be conventionally hot doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who won’t dig what you have to offer. As I’ve said before: it’s better to be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.

I’d say tread cautiously, but if your instincts tell you he’s on the up and up? Then I’d say roll the dice and take your chances.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)