DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I got out of a long-term relationship (2.5 years) recently. It was a mutual, polite and extremely amicable break-up, to the extent that a mutual friend who is consoling both of us has called it the most amicable break-up ever. We collectively realised that we wanted different things out of the relationship – I was too much of a planner for her, she was always more about spontaneity – and parted ways. I am doing okay, your advice about an ended relationship not being a failed relationship has helped me a lot.

One of the reasons I’m not 100% better that I can’t really talk about with my friends because we move in HEAVILY overlapping social circles is… the sex. For context, we lost our virginity to each other within the first few months. This was, in large part, because my ex helped me through my initial anxieties (I was 22 the first time we had sex).

We were, I would say, certainly compatible on a basic level, but I always had a higher sex drive than she did. For the first year and a half this wasn’t so much of a problem, because we were having sex regularly enough that I could deal, but then I got a new job with less flexibility. That lead to us not having the time (since it pretty much killed any chance of “wanna stay the night?” without lots of planning, which was anathema to her) and combined with the steady loss of intimacy (and a corresponding growth in my anxiety) our sex life completely petered out.

The core of my issue… I think I might have scared my ex off sex. And I feel really guilty about this.

The last time we attempted sex was 12 months before we broke up; a spontaneous moment after we had run back to my house from a freak rain shower. (Before that, a gap of a few months for the summer; before that, a few months for exams – so we were already on the wind down). After a few failed attempts at penetration I tried going down on her and, presumably because of nerves, that didn’t do the job either. My ex was never really someone who needed much foreplay, so I knew something was wrong. Once everything cooled down I told her about vaginismus – because I genuinely thought that she might have it and that she would be willing to maybe get some help and work through it – and promised that I would help her.

I then embarked on what I thought was helpful but which I can now see was probably pressuring behaviour. I tried to ask her what I could request in the bedroom (essentially, if penetrative sex was off-limits, then I wouldn’t ask for it) and got told that she didn’t know. I bought her a vibrator so we had more options in the bedroom, she reacted with disgust and later told me it never got taken out of its packaging. Weeks went by and I got increasingly frustrated that not only were we not having sex, but we weren’t even doing anything that might potentially lead to it any more. Eventually at the end of the academic year once everything was over – and after plans for her to stay the night had fallen through again – I flat out asked if I should be worried about the lack of sex, to which I was told that sex was horribly stressful and she wasn’t up for it because of her exams… which didn’t really solve the rest of the issues I was worrying about at the time.

Long story short, we went on our first – and obviously now last – holiday together about a month before we broke up. It was, in hindsight, a disaster. We were, a few good moments aside, constantly stressing out at each other from planning right through to the airport home. Most of all, on our 2.5-year anniversary night (which I had based a fair bit of the holiday around) suffice it to say things did not go as I had planned; possibly because while I didn’t explicitly state it outright I think I probably made it a little too obvious that I was expecting things to end with a bang. In hindsight that was the moment we stopped working, because our expectations had so clearly diverged.

But… women don’t just stop wanting sex for no reason, right?

I feel like I failed her, because she was able to help me with my anxiety issues and I couldn’t help her with hers. I’m scared my ex is about to become one of those statistics you hear about women who can’t enjoy sex because of negative past experiences. Most of all, we broke up saying we both wanted the other to be happy and I’m upset that I might have cost her a large part of that chance. I want to deal with this guilt – partly because otherwise I reckon I’m going to be an anxious wreck in the bedroom if/when I do end up dating again – but I don’t think asking my ex about her sexual hang-ups is a good idea right now assuming it ever was. Any advice you have would be appreciated.

Help me Dr-Wan Kenobi you’re my only hope.

Did I Break It?

DEAR DID I BREAK IT: OK, don’t take this the wrong way DIBI but… you’re giving yourself way too much credit here.

So, I get it. You’re worried that you did something wrong. You’re afraid that you were so bad – so bad in the sack, so bad with the pressure, so bad with the (apparently) fumbling attempts to help – that you’ve broken this delicate little bird. Your ex was this fragile, porcelain figurine and you destroyed something beautiful in your clumsiness.

Except… not really.

So this is going to sound harsh but stick with me for a second. Here’s what’s up, DIBI: you’re doing the thing where you are vastly overestimating both your importance and the impact you had on someone, without any actual evidence. There’re a lot of folks who do this and it’s something that guys are often prone to because we’ve all absorbed a lot of stupid shit over the years. We’re convinced that we’re the center of women’s universes, that we’re the horny ones and that women’s sexuality is this frangible piece of glass and spider webs that will break if you look at it the wrong way. Sex is something that must be carefully coaxed out of women, lest we make a sudden move and send it scurrying like a bunny back to it’s warren.

In reality: not so much. Women are just as sexual as men are and, honestly, spend a lot of time dealing with sex that just isn’t that great. If a bad lay – or even dating somebody who they had mediocre sex with – was all it took to scare women away from sex, the human race would’ve died out before we ever got past the “furry thing with long teeth BAD!” stage of evolution.

Now let’s talk about what happened with you and your ex. There are a couple of things going on, but the biggest is simple: the two of you just weren’t compatible. You both had different needs and expectations when it came to sex and those just didn’t mesh. Think of it like two gears, where one is missing a tooth; they’ll work together up to a certain point, but there’s going to come a point where they don’t and that’ll throw the whole thing off. In your case, it was easier to make the sex work during the honeymoon stage of your relationship when everything was new and exciting and you were getting hit with that rush of dopamine and oxytocin every single time. It’s easier to ignore difficulties and annoyances because you’re quite literally high off each other. But that doesn’t last forever; not only does hedonistic adaptation kick in and we get less of a dopamine rush, but those annoyances and incompatibilities build up over time.

You two hit the point where the novelty of banging someone new – or having sex at all, for that matter – wasn’t overpowering the basic incompatibility the two of you had. And if your ex wasn’t really enjoying the sex you were having or the way you were having it… well, it’s not surprising that things shut down. It wasn’t that she was thrown off sex entirely, it’s that she was thrown off sex with you.

And you didn’t get that. You thought the problem might be with her. So you were trying to help, as best you could. But like trying to treat a tooth ache with accupressure massage, you were trying to solve the wrong problem with the wrong technique.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not blaming you. You went into this with the best of intentions and you wanted to help as best you could. It’s just that you got things wrong. And y’know, that’s ok. I don’t think you did any actual damage besides annoyance – certainly nothing that she won’t recover from or that won’t be resolved when she finds someone she is compatible with.

The fact that you two weren’t compatible isn’t your fault, DIBI. It’s not hers either. It isn’t anyone‘s. It’s just bad luck. Out of the billions of women out there, there will be plenty that you don’t mesh with; your ex was simply one of them.

So now it’s just a question of where you go from here.

What you shouldn’t do is pester your ex about this… or refer to what happened as “her sexual hang-ups”. Not only is that seriously insulting, but it’s not even accurate. She didn’t have hang-ups, she’s not broken or damaged. She just didn’t like having sex with you. I realize that stings, my dude, but it’s better to face an uncomfortable truth than it is to make things even more awkward.

Instead, what you need to do is just live, learn from this and move forward. Next time, you work to avoid making the mistakes you made this time. Prioritize communication a little more highly, especially before you start trying to solve people’s not-actually-a-problem. Sharing and listening will serve you in great stead, especially when it comes to sex. The better you and your future partners are able to communicate your needs, desires and boundaries, the better you will be in the sack.

Don’t let this all throw you off, DIBI. As you get more experience under your belt, you’ll have a better grasp on who is and isn’t right for you and how to make the sexual side of your relationships work. These are just growing pains that everyone goes through. Your ex will be ok and so will you. I promise.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Love your podcast, love your advice column and I have a more general socializing question for you: I live in a large city and have a handful of flaky, emotionally volatile or otherwise difficult-to-meet-up-with friends in the surrounding area.

What usually happens if I make plans with them is one of the following: 

I arrange something with one friend (we’ll call her Amy) who cancels 75% of the time because she either has a migraine, some family, issues, is too tired, etc. I called her out on this flakiness at one point, leading her to get defensive and angry. Note: she has very few close friends. I have not cut off contact with her as she is the daughter of my mom’s close friends, though I have stopped contacting her as frequently.

Another (that we’ll call Lisa) has had some pretty severe emotional trauma in the past, which manifests itself in public crying fits, talking too loudly in public almost to the point of yelling (kind of like that Will Ferrell character from SNL), overt derision of dating claiming she will be ‘forever alone’, etc. She has been getting therapy to deal with it over the past year or so. However, she has told me she has some empathy issues and does not seem to want to get a full-time job, spending most of her time doing ride-sharing or volunteering. I encouraged her to try to at least find a part-time job as I think the consistency and socializing would be good for her. She says the process freaks her out, which leads me to believe her therapist maybe isn’t encouraging her to be as proactive as I think would benefit her. I have also stopped contacting her as frequently as with the person above.

As a result, I now spend most of my time with my boyfriend and after a short weekend at Penny Arcade Expo with him and his buddies, I noticed how much stronger their bonds are as a group than any of the people I see in the city. I told him my concerns and and he encouraged me to seek out other people to get to know better, seeing how complicated and inconsistent those relationships are and how unhappy/annoyed it was making me. I do have long term friends that are reliable but they are married, live farther out, work all the time, etc so it’s a bit tougher to arrange things with them.

TL,DR: Kind of out of patience for dealing with difficult/volatile people. I don’t like abandoning friendships as it makes me feel guilty but I think it’s kind of gotten to that point where it might be better to cut my losses entirely and just find other people to meet up with. In case there are other people reading this who might be having a similar experience, what do you think would be a reasonable limit for just peace-ing out entirely from a bad friendship?

Thanks!

Flakey Pie Crust Not People

DEAR FLAKEY PIE CRUST NOT PEOPLE: One of the things I find somewhat fascinating is how differently we as a culture often treat friendships and romantic relationships. For all that people complain about The Friend Zone1 and we treat friendship as somehow lesser than love or sex… we put up with way more from our friends than we’d ever tolerate from our lovers. In fact, we often find ourselves stuck in friendships out of a sense of obligation, rather than a desire to have those people in our lives.

I have a lot of friends who live out in Los Angeles, a place that’s notorious for instilling and encouraging flaky behavior in folks. And all of them have had issues with flaky, irresponsible friends who will just bail at the last minute or with no notice. And to a person, their lives all got better once they started to not just accept flakiness from folks in their lives. If someone was going to be that uncaring about others… well, they got moved down the list of priorities, while folks who could be counted on were moved up.

Here’s the thing about friendship: it’s not like you two are starring in The Defiant Ones. The fact that you’re friends doesn’t mean that you’re bound together for life, no matter what. You are allowed to break up with your friends, especially when their friendship is causing you pain and anxiety. You aren’t required to put up with bad behavior or disrespect just because you’ve agreed that you’re buds. “Friends no matter what” is bullshit if the other person isn’t actually taking responsibility for themselves and their behavior. The whole “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” thing drives me up the goddamn wall, in no small part because of how much it excuses the person saying it from ever considering that maybe they should try not being the worst. Just to see how it feels.

Now this doesn’t mean that Amy and Lisa may not have legitimate issues. It’s entirely possible that they’re being 100% real with you about what makes them unreliable. It could well be that they’re putting in a good-faith effort to try to work around it, even if they don’t always succeed. If that’s the case… well, calling them out on being flakey is going to put them on the defensive. Odds are good that they’re already self-conscious as hell about flaking out on people. Calling them out just makes them feel worse about it.

But that doesn’t change the fact that they are unreliable and it feels like all of the accommodation is coming from your side of the friendship. It’s one thing to try to accommodate a condition, but the other person needs to be able to work around that condition too. And while there are plenty of issues – physical and emotional – that can be hard to predict, if you know that you have something that makes you unreliable or requires that you cancel… well, you have a responsibility to factor that into what you agree to do and what plans you make.

At the same time: even if they are being straight with you and are making good faith efforts to work around their issues, that doesn’t mean that you need to continue being friends with them. As with relationships, if you’re simply not compatible with them, then you are free to end the relationship. They may very well be good people, but you two may simply not be right for one another. You have different needs, and neither of you can reasonably fulfill them for one another in an equitable fashion.

So don’t feel guilty about cutting your losses, FPCNP. It’s a shame when friendships have to end. But, like romantic relationships, not every friendship is meant to be forever. Some are just for now. And, in the future, prioritize building friendships with people who demonstrate that they are more reliable and steadfast. It won’t ensure that every new friend will be for life… but it will cut down on the headaches and agita immensely.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This isn’t really a relationship question but if anyone would know how to advise a socially awkward introvert, it’s you!

Let’s start with some background on me. I’m a 26 year old woman with social anxiety and depression (currently in therapy and on pills) and suspected Aspergers or ADHD too (awaiting an assessment). I’m an only child, and I grew up with parents who weren’t close to their own families, so Christmas was usually just the three of us and I didn’t see much of my extended family. I was a perpetual outcast at school and I’ve never had close friends, which isn’t actually something that bothers me. I’m happy on my own. I don’t mean that in a sour grapes way, I just genuinely tend to require very little social stimulation outside of romantic relationships. I moved out of my parents house when I was 16 as we have a strained relationship, and though I had to move back briefly a few times for financial reasons, any time I’ve lived there, including as a younger teen before I moved out first, I’ve been very independent. Any place I’ve lived in since I moved out has been either just mine, or with a partner. I’ve never done the roommate or shared house thing. Not having my own space and knowing who is coming in and out of the house and when makes me really edgy and feel like I’m under siege.

Now, while being this kind of person is inconvenient, I’m perfectly happy with myself. Different strokes for different folks and all that. I’ve never felt lonely, and trying to make myself more “normal” just lead to a bit of a drinking problem when I was younger because that was the only way I felt like socialising was enjoyable. I’m a massive loner and I’m fine! Except that now, I live in a foreign country. I was planning on moving out of my home country due to a political situation and on one of my many visits here, I met a local and fell in love, and now I live with him. And his parents. We want our own place but the town is tiny, there’s about 5 rental properties and they’re all occupied, and even if there was a house for sale, it’d be way out of our price range. So we’re in a bedroom at his parents house.

My boyfriend’s country is small, and the culture is very based around big families and it’s very close-knit. His mum is especially extroverted and constantly has people over, Christmas is a huge 20+ people affair, and practically everyone is somehow related to him. I’m serious, all but one house on our street has a relative in it, and you can’t even go to the capital city without him bumping into a cousin or an aunt. His mum is one of 8 siblings. Everyone’s super friendly and nice, but also very outgoing and huggy. And his mum is really lovely, but she also moves my stuff around a lot when she’s on a reorganisation binge, and that makes me hella uncomfortable too.

Obviously, this whole culture is stressing me the hell out. If I’d not met him and I was here alone, I’d be fine, but being with him sort of automatically brings me into situations I’ve either never done, like big family events, or can’t stand, like getting an unwanted hug in a supermarket from an aunt. There’s zero expectation of privacy too, people will just open the front door and walk into the house, and until I made it clear to him that my culture finds it rude as hell, my boyfriend genuinely didn’t see any issue with telling his mum about a medical condition I have. I got some bad news about one of my own family members a while ago and someone I’ve never met before approached me in the post office to give their sympathies.

I’m on edge constantly now. I wasn’t exactly a social butterfly before but leaving the house makes me uncomfortable in case I get tackled by a random relative, and I don’t feel great about staying at home either because who knows who’s gonna be in the house. I used to cook, and now I’m living off microwave meals so I don’t have to go into the kitchen. I spent all of Christmas and New Years having panic attacks. I’m currently sitting here really needing to pee, but not getting up because there’s random people in the house and I just wanna use the damn bathroom without getting cornered by an uncle to be asked if I’ve healed up from the surgery on my cervix yet. I broke down crying in the garage yesterday because something of mine had been moved again and I’m so on edge that the slightest little thing is sending me over. I used to be able to tolerate or even be totally comfortable bumping into people I know and now just the idea of it has me tensing up. I’ve even been getting hives.

So doc, what the hell do I do here? We’re planning on moving to another country on a year or two due to the boyfriend’s job, but in the meantime, I’m spiraling hard. Boyfriend is hella supportive but there’s only so much that can do when this is our living situation. Moving out isn’t an option, moving to my home country is legitimately impossible thanks to the political situation. I’ve tried to enforce some boundaries as best as I can but there’s such a huge cultural barrier in play here that I don’t think it actually occurs to people that anyone would be bothered by any of this. How do I learn to live without my usual (admittedly high) level of privacy, alone time, and control over my environment?

Back In My Shell

DEAR BACK IN MY SHELL: There’re times when you’ll have two people who just aren’t compatible. They may love each other to pieces, but the differences between them are just too great to make the relationship work. Those are often a tragedy. One of the lesser known – but equally tragic – relationship dilemmas is when the differences aren’t insurmountable… but the situation is untenable, turning inconveniences into disasters and the usual rough edges into mis-matched gears.

I’ll give you this, BIMS, if you and your boyfriend make it through this, then your relationship will be bulletproof. There’re few things that test the strength of a couple quite as much as throwing yourselves into a new country and a family dynamic that is the complete opposite of your own. Add incredibly close quarters with no opportunities for personal space and you’ve got a recipe for a relationship achieving critical failure – messily and all over the place. For a lot of couples, this particular experiment would end like a pair of rats in a too-small cage – with one pile of bones and one fat rat.

Of course, before that can happen, you have to survive the experience without going insane.

If you want to keep your sanity, then you have two priorities. The first is to get some much-needed space. This may be a problem due to sheer logistics; after all, you’re not in a place where you can dictate the rules or have more of a say about who has access to your living space. And while your own space can be mental as well as physical… right now it sounds like you need some serious isolation time.

Ideally, you would be able to move far enough away that you could find your own place but close enough to still be able to commute to your respective jobs. If there were some sleepy bedroom community or suburb nearby that you investigate, you might be able to get some much needed alone time.

Another option – though one that might be financially feasible – might be to look into getting a hotel room or AirB&B for a night or two on the regular. Even if you and your boyfriend pitched it as “hey, loving couple need a little alone time”, this would at least be a chance for you to get away from the maddening crowds and recover a little of your emotional stability.

Alternately, if there are places that you could reach with ease that are relatively isolated or that offers sufficient solitude – whether it’s a library or a quiet patch of woods or field – those might give you enough time on your own to let you rebuild your reserves.

But your second priority is going to be communicating with your boyfriend. You are, in a very real way, a stranger in a strange land and he’s your primary point of contact with his family and his culture. This means he’s also on deck to be your first line of defense and the one to be the defensive linesman to your quarterback.

(Can you tell I sports quite often?)

He needs to be running interference for you – explaining to your family just how seriously different this is for you and how much it’s taking a toll on your sanity. It’s not that you’re the ugly tourist who refuses to follow the local custom, it’s that the things that others take for granted are literally damaging your health. You’re doing your best here, but you’re reaching the breaking point. And if your boyfriend wants to continue being your boyfriend – or not dealing with a proper meltdown – then the best thing he can do is start being your advocate. This may take a serious and awkward conversation – possibly several  – to suss out, since he may not realize that this isn’t just a little quirk you can get over. But once you can make it clear just how much this is damaging you, then he’s the one who’s in the best position to help establish boundaries like “please don’t touch my girlfriend’s stuff, no really”. He might also be able to help make arrangements like “Let’s let BIMS hide in her room for an hour with headphones and a white-noise app” so that you can get at least some refuge from the crush.

The thing to remember – and something to reinforce to your boyfriend and, through him, to his family – is that being an introvert or having serious social anxiety in crowds isn’t something you just “get over”. It’s part of you, as much as your teeth and bones, not something that you can will away or grow out of. This means that if you and he are going to have long-term potential, he’s going to have to make accomodations for you, just as you’ve had to make accomodations for him. It’s just that your accommodations involve things like “yeah, she needs to not be around people for a while.” And that, honestly, isn’t that big of an ask – even in an incredibly outgoing and extroverted country.

It’s good that there’s an end-date to your trials, BIMS; knowing that makes it easier to grit one’s teeth and persevere. But it’s not going to do you any good if you grit your teeth so hard your jaw snaps. Work with your boyfriend and find your space wherever you can. It may take getting creative – hell, it may take straight up, hiding. But you’ll get through this.

And when you do, you’ll know that you and your boyfriend can survive damn near anything.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I work with this girl she is 6 years my senior. We started flirting back in May of 2016. She was not ready then, I was not ready then(did not know it), we got super close and it imploded somehow. 

Fast forward to July 2017, we where prepping a department together for inventory(we never stopped being friends) and a fellow coworker called us out on liking each other.  She gave me the eyes I first fell for and tried to make out that she didn’t like me like that.. Now here we are. Two friends of mine are actively pursuing her. I’ve been offering advice, even when I tell them how I feel… but look, I want her to be happy. 

Recently we were all hang out at a pool hall in a large group. She’d come with one of my friends – though strictly platonically – but the whole time she’s giving me that vibe. Every few seconds we catch each other glancing at the other; we lock eyes for a minute take a break repeat about 10 more times. Things are so close to what they used to be, but I am trying to wait for a chance to have a conversation with her away from work so we can talk it out.

But I am unsure if I should just let her know at work when we’re both on break. Or keep trying to fit into her busy schedule(she is a single mother of three).

I have found myself over this last year. I am confident that we would work together. I am just scared to take the plunge… How do I take the plunge?

Reigniting The Flame

DEAR REIGNITING THE FLAME: My dude, you have two choices here. Either you say something or you don’t. The longer you wait, the greater the odds that someone else will ask her out on a date and the greater the odds that she’ll say yes. She may damn well be ready to take another shot at making the two of you work, but that can’t happen if the two of you don’t talk to each other. So if you want this to happen, then you’re going to have to make it happen.

Straight talk: there is no reward without risk. Do you want a second chance with her? Are you convinced that she’s ready to try again with you? Then you’re going to have to reach down into your guts and find the courage to pull her aside. Tell her that you want to find time to talk. And if she doesn’t have time outside of work, you may have to just have that talk on your break.

But if you want this to happen, you are going to have to be the one to make that jump. Nobody can jump for you.

Because if you don’t? Someone else will.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wondered if you could tell me, in your opinion, does this girl fancy me? The way she behaves makes me think she might.. She works in a shop, and every time I go in, I see her near me, even if she wasn’t in that actual place before I went in.

When I go near the tills, she happen to be nearby, every single time. It’s like she gravitates towards me. Also, every time I go in, she will look at me for a long time, if she is far away. After that, she will be sneaky, and look at me from behind things when she probably doesn’t think I know she is doing it. I seriously think she spends more time looking at me, than not. I am shy, and I think she is too, because we never speak to each other. She also plays with her hair and clothes, I notice.

I have never had this situation before, because all of my girlfriends have been friends of my sisters, and things have been arranged through them. Do you think she is keen?

Reading The Tea Leaves

DEAR READING THE TEA LEAVES:

So let’s see… she’s always in proximity to you, seems to be playing eye-contact games and gets fidgety when you’re around?

That sounds like someone who’s hoping you’ll talk to her, RTTL. Now there’re a lot of other factors that can complicate whether someone in the service industry is interested in you – and it’s tricky when you’re a customer and they’re an employee. But there’s a surefire way to know if she’s into you:

Start talking to her and, if things go well, see if she’d be interested in going on a date.

Kind of amazing how well that works, honestly.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need help on how best to navigate the period between when I meet someone I am interested in dating and when we actually decide to date exclusively.

Here’s my situation. I’m a guy, and about a month ago I met a guy (T) that lives in a different city that is a 4-hour drive away. We met while we were both on vacation in a beach resort and we hit it off immediately. He is a good quality guy that seems awesome for me except for one item – I am not 100% sexually attracted to him… I’m at about 60%. He is a great kisser (a huge sexual factor for me), and the over-all connection is there so I’m still trying to figure out if the level of sexual attraction is a deal breaker or not.

Since meeting T, I have driven twice to his city and we have spent 4-5 amazing days together on each trip. We’ve had a great time together each time. When we are apart, we text each other daily. He is planning to spend next weekend with me in my city.

A few days after I met T, but before my first trip to his city, I met another guy (M). M lives in the same city I do, plays the same sport (which is how we met), and on a scale of 1 to 10 in sexual attraction, M is a 12!

Initially, I thought M was just going to be a short-term sexual fling. There is a big age gap between us, so I didn’t have any expectations for it being anything other than a one or two-time sexual thing. However, to my surprise, we’ve been seeing each other almost every day, having meals together, going to the movies, museums… pretty much – dating. We seem more compatible than I initially expected.

Neither guy knows that I am dating two people. Hell, it’s possible they are also dating other people. Right? However, my conscience is starting to pressure me to make a decision. Yet I am not quite ready to choose one person to date exclusively… My brain right now chooses T, while my junk chooses M.

My question to you is – what is the best ethical way to navigate this initial period? This is the first time I’ve dated two people at the same time. Do I continue the “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule? Explicitly telling them I’m dating other people seems like a sure way to shoot my own foot and lose both.

Thanks for your help!

Exploring Before Choosing

DEAR EXPLORING BEFORE CHOOSING: Not going to lie, EBC, my knee-jerk response would be to say “nobody says you have to be exclusive.” And while I’m only half-serious, an ethically non-monogamous relationship is an option for folks these days. But it’s not for everyone, nor is that an answer that’s especially helpful for you in this circumstance.

The problem is that you’re in a weird gray area when it comes to dating – one that tends to come up because we as a culture don’t like talking about dating – especially with the people we’re dating. There’s an almost palpable fear that a person’s attraction to us is as fragile and ephemeral as a soap bubble and as timid as a deer. There’s a sense that if you try to bring up the topic – or even acknowledge its presence – too early and you’ll cause the whole thing to disappear with a sudden pop. As a result, we get people who want to surf this quantum state of ambiguity where they’re both dating and not, both exclusive and not at the same time. As long as nobody brings up the topic, then it’s anything goes.

But this is also how people end up getting hurt. When nobody says anything, you end up with the very good chance that you and and the other person are on entirely different pages. I’ve seen plenty of folks who’ve been hurt and upset because they found out that the person they’d been on a handful of dates with was also seeing other people, even though nobody had said a single word about their being an item. Hell, look at your situation. You see yourself as being non-exclusive, especially this early into the relationship. But T or M (or both) may have an expectation of exclusivity. If either (or both) of them find out that they’re not your one and only, then you run the risk of hurt feelings and the end of a burgeoning relationship.

The problem though, is that someone having these expectations (assuming they do) isn’t fair to you if they’re being imposed unilaterally or without your consent. It’s unreasonable for someone to insist that you’re bound by someone’s expectations that you didn’t know exist or that you didn’t agree to in the first place. This is why I’m a believer that if you haven’t had the Defining The Relationship talk – or at the very least, a discussion about exclusivity, you should both work under the assumption that you aren’texclusive. Relationships can’t work if everyone involved isn’t on the same page, and that includes how everyone feels about issues like exclusivity and monogamy. There are too many times when couples (and triads and poly pods and…) run headlong into conflict because they never actually sat down and discussed just what the rules of their relationship actually were. As a result, something that one party thought was perfectly above board ends up hurting someone else, who had an entirely different understanding.

This doesn’t mean that one person may not want exclusivity, may not hope for exclusivity, may not be hurt if they find out you’re dating other people.

Now, I know a lot of people will say that for them, their potential partner dating others would be a definite deal-breaker. This is fine… but this is something that they need to be up front about. If it’s going to be important to someone, it’s far better to state it up front and weed out the folks who aren’t suitable for them. Trying to surf the ambiguity of the situation in order to not have to talk about it isn’t any more productive and causes unnecessary pain. Doubly so if they’re going to get upset at you for not living up to an arrangement you didn’t agree to. This is why I’m a believer in that if you have needs, especially needs from someone you’re only just starting to get to know, you need to state those up front and early.

You (general you) have to be willing to take responsibility and ask for the information you’re going to want adn/or need.

My belief is that exclusivity and monogamy should be opt-in, especially in the early days of dating, when you’re still trying to determine whether this is a relationship worth pursuing. But in general, it’s much easier to say “I want this to be about just us” than it is to say “yeah, we’ve been exclusive but now I want to see other people as well as you.”

With that out of the way, let’s talk about your situation, EBC. And the truth is that it’s really goddamn early in both of these relationships. You’ve only known T for a month and you’ve only been on a handful of dates. You’ve known M for less time and while you may be seeing each other on the regular… a month is still really goddamn early. Even with a month of near-constant dates and banging, you barely know somebody. You’re both still very much in that initial “on my best behavior” stage, where you’re still presenting this carefully polished and curated version of one another.  There’s still a lot that runs on a “need to know” and “ready to know” basis and frankly if it doesn’t directly affect them, then I’m of the opinion that they don’t need to know. This includes the fact that you’re seeing other people, especially if you’re not serious about either of them.

However if they ask, then yes, you need to tell them. No trying to hem and haw or parse their words so that they didn’t ask specifically enough. If you can tell that they’re asking if you’re seeing other people, then you tell them, openly and honestly. Similarly, if your conscience is really bugging you about this, then it may make you feel better to talk to them and say “Hey, I know we never talked about exclusivity and I don’t know how you feel about things but I want to let you know that I’m seeing other folks.”

Until then, though? I think not saying anything at this stage is fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have started seeing a guy that I like a lot. We seem to have great sexual chemistry as well as good intellectual discussions and a lot in common.

However, he doesn’t seem that aligned with my interests. I love personal development – going to seminars, listening to podcasts, reading books, hiring life coaches – all of the above.

When I started talking about it he told me it reminded him of a date he went on where all the girl could talk about what how she wrote to Jesus in her spare time.

I was pretty offended at this point, and sort of shut down. The date was awkward after that point. What would have been a better way to handle this?

I really like this guy and I’m SICK of online dating, and he seems like a good option to become serious with. But, what do I do if he shames me for my love of personal development?

Sincerely,

Dating is Hard

DEAR DATING IS HARD: I’m not gonna lie, DIH, it sounds like you’re putting a LOT of time and effort into personal development. I mean, if you’re regularly going to seminars and hiring life coaches, that sounds like it’s something that takes up a significant amount of time for you.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s cool if that’s your thing. You do you. But to someone who isn’t as interested as you are, this may seem a little intense and overwhelming.

So I think my question would be: when you were talking about this with him, how did you roll it out? Was it a case of “these are a couple of the things I’m into,” or was it a lengthy explanation of what you’re doing, how, why and the results you’ve had, all in one go?

One of the effects of being really passionate about something is that you really want to talk about the things you’re passionate about. The problem is that sometimes there’s so much to it that you love that it’s hard to explain it to someone who isn’t already familiar with the topic. You can see this all the time when somebody who loves, say, Star Wars or comics or anime or a particular game series tries to explain it to somebody who’s not into it themselves. This can sometimes lead to… less of a discussion and more of a lecture series, often with sub-lectures that branch off from the main topic.

This can be a combination of overwhelming, mystifying and intimidating all at once.

(Here’s a fun exercise: ask a diehard fan to explain the story and lore of Kingdom Hearts… in less than 30 minutes).

So it’s possible that he may not have been your personal development so much as the amount and delivery. Or he may have just heard all of this as your being into something he considers to be a lot of woo-woo and made a comparison that you (reasonably) found insulting.

It’s one thing for couples not to share every interest; in fact it’s quite healthy for the relationship if everyone has their own life and interests outside of being a couple. But even if they don’t share your interests, they have to at least respect them… or that you have them.

If he isn’t into your thing for personal development or thinks it’s wacky or silly, that’s not ideal, but it’s also not necessarily a deal-breaker as long as he can respect that you love it. If he’s going to neg you for what you’re into though? That’s a sign that he’s not that great of an option to settled down with.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)