DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need help on how best to navigate the period between when I meet someone I am interested in dating and when we actually decide to date exclusively.

Here’s my situation. I’m a guy, and about a month ago I met a guy (T) that lives in a different city that is a 4-hour drive away. We met while we were both on vacation in a beach resort and we hit it off immediately. He is a good quality guy that seems awesome for me except for one item – I am not 100% sexually attracted to him… I’m at about 60%. He is a great kisser (a huge sexual factor for me), and the over-all connection is there so I’m still trying to figure out if the level of sexual attraction is a deal breaker or not.

Since meeting T, I have driven twice to his city and we have spent 4-5 amazing days together on each trip. We’ve had a great time together each time. When we are apart, we text each other daily. He is planning to spend next weekend with me in my city.

A few days after I met T, but before my first trip to his city, I met another guy (M). M lives in the same city I do, plays the same sport (which is how we met), and on a scale of 1 to 10 in sexual attraction, M is a 12!

Initially, I thought M was just going to be a short-term sexual fling. There is a big age gap between us, so I didn’t have any expectations for it being anything other than a one or two-time sexual thing. However, to my surprise, we’ve been seeing each other almost every day, having meals together, going to the movies, museums… pretty much – dating. We seem more compatible than I initially expected.

Neither guy knows that I am dating two people. Hell, it’s possible they are also dating other people. Right? However, my conscience is starting to pressure me to make a decision. Yet I am not quite ready to choose one person to date exclusively… My brain right now chooses T, while my junk chooses M.

My question to you is – what is the best ethical way to navigate this initial period? This is the first time I’ve dated two people at the same time. Do I continue the “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule? Explicitly telling them I’m dating other people seems like a sure way to shoot my own foot and lose both.

Thanks for your help!

Exploring Before Choosing

DEAR EXPLORING BEFORE CHOOSING: Not going to lie, EBC, my knee-jerk response would be to say “nobody says you have to be exclusive.” And while I’m only half-serious, an ethically non-monogamous relationship is an option for folks these days. But it’s not for everyone, nor is that an answer that’s especially helpful for you in this circumstance.

The problem is that you’re in a weird gray area when it comes to dating – one that tends to come up because we as a culture don’t like talking about dating – especially with the people we’re dating. There’s an almost palpable fear that a person’s attraction to us is as fragile and ephemeral as a soap bubble and as timid as a deer. There’s a sense that if you try to bring up the topic – or even acknowledge its presence – too early and you’ll cause the whole thing to disappear with a sudden pop. As a result, we get people who want to surf this quantum state of ambiguity where they’re both dating and not, both exclusive and not at the same time. As long as nobody brings up the topic, then it’s anything goes.

But this is also how people end up getting hurt. When nobody says anything, you end up with the very good chance that you and and the other person are on entirely different pages. I’ve seen plenty of folks who’ve been hurt and upset because they found out that the person they’d been on a handful of dates with was also seeing other people, even though nobody had said a single word about their being an item. Hell, look at your situation. You see yourself as being non-exclusive, especially this early into the relationship. But T or M (or both) may have an expectation of exclusivity. If either (or both) of them find out that they’re not your one and only, then you run the risk of hurt feelings and the end of a burgeoning relationship.

The problem though, is that someone having these expectations (assuming they do) isn’t fair to you if they’re being imposed unilaterally or without your consent. It’s unreasonable for someone to insist that you’re bound by someone’s expectations that you didn’t know exist or that you didn’t agree to in the first place. This is why I’m a believer that if you haven’t had the Defining The Relationship talk – or at the very least, a discussion about exclusivity, you should both work under the assumption that you aren’texclusive. Relationships can’t work if everyone involved isn’t on the same page, and that includes how everyone feels about issues like exclusivity and monogamy. There are too many times when couples (and triads and poly pods and…) run headlong into conflict because they never actually sat down and discussed just what the rules of their relationship actually were. As a result, something that one party thought was perfectly above board ends up hurting someone else, who had an entirely different understanding.

This doesn’t mean that one person may not want exclusivity, may not hope for exclusivity, may not be hurt if they find out you’re dating other people.

Now, I know a lot of people will say that for them, their potential partner dating others would be a definite deal-breaker. This is fine… but this is something that they need to be up front about. If it’s going to be important to someone, it’s far better to state it up front and weed out the folks who aren’t suitable for them. Trying to surf the ambiguity of the situation in order to not have to talk about it isn’t any more productive and causes unnecessary pain. Doubly so if they’re going to get upset at you for not living up to an arrangement you didn’t agree to. This is why I’m a believer in that if you have needs, especially needs from someone you’re only just starting to get to know, you need to state those up front and early.

You (general you) have to be willing to take responsibility and ask for the information you’re going to want adn/or need.

My belief is that exclusivity and monogamy should be opt-in, especially in the early days of dating, when you’re still trying to determine whether this is a relationship worth pursuing. But in general, it’s much easier to say “I want this to be about just us” than it is to say “yeah, we’ve been exclusive but now I want to see other people as well as you.”

With that out of the way, let’s talk about your situation, EBC. And the truth is that it’s really goddamn early in both of these relationships. You’ve only known T for a month and you’ve only been on a handful of dates. You’ve known M for less time and while you may be seeing each other on the regular… a month is still really goddamn early. Even with a month of near-constant dates and banging, you barely know somebody. You’re both still very much in that initial “on my best behavior” stage, where you’re still presenting this carefully polished and curated version of one another.  There’s still a lot that runs on a “need to know” and “ready to know” basis and frankly if it doesn’t directly affect them, then I’m of the opinion that they don’t need to know. This includes the fact that you’re seeing other people, especially if you’re not serious about either of them.

However if they ask, then yes, you need to tell them. No trying to hem and haw or parse their words so that they didn’t ask specifically enough. If you can tell that they’re asking if you’re seeing other people, then you tell them, openly and honestly. Similarly, if your conscience is really bugging you about this, then it may make you feel better to talk to them and say “Hey, I know we never talked about exclusivity and I don’t know how you feel about things but I want to let you know that I’m seeing other folks.”

Until then, though? I think not saying anything at this stage is fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have started seeing a guy that I like a lot. We seem to have great sexual chemistry as well as good intellectual discussions and a lot in common.

However, he doesn’t seem that aligned with my interests. I love personal development – going to seminars, listening to podcasts, reading books, hiring life coaches – all of the above.

When I started talking about it he told me it reminded him of a date he went on where all the girl could talk about what how she wrote to Jesus in her spare time.

I was pretty offended at this point, and sort of shut down. The date was awkward after that point. What would have been a better way to handle this?

I really like this guy and I’m SICK of online dating, and he seems like a good option to become serious with. But, what do I do if he shames me for my love of personal development?

Sincerely,

Dating is Hard

DEAR DATING IS HARD: I’m not gonna lie, DIH, it sounds like you’re putting a LOT of time and effort into personal development. I mean, if you’re regularly going to seminars and hiring life coaches, that sounds like it’s something that takes up a significant amount of time for you.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s cool if that’s your thing. You do you. But to someone who isn’t as interested as you are, this may seem a little intense and overwhelming.

So I think my question would be: when you were talking about this with him, how did you roll it out? Was it a case of “these are a couple of the things I’m into,” or was it a lengthy explanation of what you’re doing, how, why and the results you’ve had, all in one go?

One of the effects of being really passionate about something is that you really want to talk about the things you’re passionate about. The problem is that sometimes there’s so much to it that you love that it’s hard to explain it to someone who isn’t already familiar with the topic. You can see this all the time when somebody who loves, say, Star Wars or comics or anime or a particular game series tries to explain it to somebody who’s not into it themselves. This can sometimes lead to… less of a discussion and more of a lecture series, often with sub-lectures that branch off from the main topic.

This can be a combination of overwhelming, mystifying and intimidating all at once.

(Here’s a fun exercise: ask a diehard fan to explain the story and lore of Kingdom Hearts… in less than 30 minutes).

So it’s possible that he may not have been your personal development so much as the amount and delivery. Or he may have just heard all of this as your being into something he considers to be a lot of woo-woo and made a comparison that you (reasonably) found insulting.

It’s one thing for couples not to share every interest; in fact it’s quite healthy for the relationship if everyone has their own life and interests outside of being a couple. But even if they don’t share your interests, they have to at least respect them… or that you have them.

If he isn’t into your thing for personal development or thinks it’s wacky or silly, that’s not ideal, but it’s also not necessarily a deal-breaker as long as he can respect that you love it. If he’s going to neg you for what you’re into though? That’s a sign that he’s not that great of an option to settled down with.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m facing a situation that I’m sure quite a few of your readers are starting to think about right now, and thought I’d reach out for advice.

It’s about to be the start of the final semester for many seniors in college. For most guys, this is the perfect window of opportunity for a no-strings-attached fling before heading off into the real world. For those of us in serious relationships, it means that we are starting to think about the possibility of ending things with our girlfriends or possibly doing long distance.

Enter me: So eight months ago I started dating this incredible girl (hot, smart, funny – the whole package) who is two years younger than me. It’s my first relationship that is really serious – and while I wouldn’t say our relationship is perfect, it’s going well and we love each other.

However, I have to make a decision on whether to do long-distance pretty soon. I’m moving up to work in Boston after graduation while she’ll still be in D.C. finishing school. Doing long distance would be very manageable – I’ll be making solid money at my job and have weekends completely free. She also has plenty of free time and can afford flying up 1-2 times a month. Flights are cheap, quick, and we could theoretically spend every other weekend together. Not to mention that we did 3 months of long-distance over the summer to start the relationship and she’s even expressed interest in making it work.

There are some twists. I want to eventually attend a top business school in the U.S. yet she’s an international student without a long-term visa, so there’s a possibility (30-50%) that she’s not in the U.S. two years after she graduates. My firm is a multinational and I could easily transfer to wherever she is after graduation, but I would have to relocate in a year or two back to the U.S. to get my MBA.

My friends have also told me that my early 20s are the best years of my life, that I should not be tied down. My heart tells me to go for it, but my mind is telling me that there are hurdles and a future after her graduation is by no means a guarantee.

So here’s the question(s):

1) How should I approach the big conversation about long-distance with her, and how should that conversation even go? I’m worried that if things end at the end of the year I’ll be left wishing I spent more time with my friends. I’m also generally a dude incapable of having these serious conversations without saying something idiotic.

2) Should I even do long-distance, given the degree of uncertainty over both of our futures?

3) How the hell do I mentally deal with all this uncertainty over the long-term future of my relationship? I’ve been consistently depressed thinking about the possibility of losing her and losing out on an incredible future with her.

I’ve talked to other friends dealing with similar questions, so while the specifics of my situation are different I think many seniors out there could use your wisdom.

Best,

Suddenly Senior

DEAR SUDDENLY SENIOR: Allow me to give you the information that I wish someone had given me when I was graduating from college: don’t get tied up in what your life is “supposed” to be like.

We’ve all been handed this narrative of “this is how life is supposed to be,” with your 20s being the “best years of your life” (assuming that you didn’t get told that high-school is supposed to be the best years of your life… gah) as though everybody’s life fit into a neat, simple, one-size-fits-all pattern. 

Screw that noise. Your life is what you make of it. The best years of your life may well be in your 20s when you have relatively few responsibilities as you’re starting out and you have the financial freedom to explore the world. Or it may be in your 30s when you’re more established in who you are and you’ve shaken off the fears and self-limiting beliefs that you’ve been fighting with most of your life. Or it may be in your 40s when you’re financially more secure and able to afford to take more chances and explore those long-held dreams. Or it may be in your 70s as you sit with you partner in quiet contemplation, looking at the life you’ve lived together.

Getting older doesn’t automatically mean the end of fun or the inability to have adventures. Hell, sometimes getting older is what makes that fun possible. I’m with Jay-Z on this; 30 is the new 20. My 30s were like my 20s except with more sex, more self-esteem and more money. I wish my 20s had been different, but they made me who I am today and by God I love my life as it is.

The idea of “this is what you should do” is goddamn toxic because it tells anyone who doesn’t fit that mold that they’re doing it wrong. OK, sure it’s great to be foot-loose and fancy free in your 20s… as long as you’re not, y’know, loaded down with crippling debt just from getting the base-line education deemed necessary for an increasingly impossible middle-class existence (assuming you went to college at all in the first place) or you aren’t working your ass off trying to simply keep yourself afloat in an increasingly insecure job-market. Not everybody is going to follow the same path, either by choice or by circumstance and telling them that they’re “wrong” for doing so is bulls

t.

And then there’s the idea that you shouldn’t be “tied down” – as though relationships are a trap – in your 20s. Yes, some people look back on their younger days and wish they’d had wilder, crazier times. Other people, on the other hand, are grateful that they had someone to spend those younger days with instead of dealing with the at-times maddening world of sex and dating and the constant frustrations of trying to find someone to love instead of hook-ups and the relationship equivalents of microwavable dinners.

Your life is going to be what you make of it, and that includes how you want to enter into the “real world”.

But let’s talk about your relationship. As I’ve said before, relationships are difficult under the best of circumstances and long-distance ones up the difficulty-levels exponentially. 

Entering into an LDR means changing the terms of your relationship; little things that you might take for granted when you can see each other every day suddenly become very different when you only see each other once a month or less. Sex and that intimacy is a big one. Absence may make the heart grow fonder but it also can make the junk go yonder. The physical connection is a key component in a relationship and when it’s limited by necessity… well, sometimes that can make things tough. A monogamous LDR can be a difficult thing to maintain, especially the further apart you are.

Now with your case: you’re actually fairly well set-up to make things work, at least in the short-term. Boston to DC isn’t that far and there is a huge amount of infrastructure built to handle the needs of commuting back and forth; you’re a short plane ride away, driving back and forth (or taking the train) isn’t unreasonably inconvenient, etc. You’ll both have free time to see each other regularly, which is key to making an LDR work.

The tricky part will be afterwards, when she’s graduated and you’re looking into getting your MBA. Part of what makes an LDR tolerable is the idea that there will be an end to it. Even a long separation can be endured when you know that there will be a point when it will all be over and the two of you will be together again. When it’s potentially your new status-quo however… well, that’s going to be tricky. Some relationships can handle the yo-yoing between being long-distance and not. Many can’t.

But here’s the thing: you’re basically asking whether it’s time to break up with your girlfriend now when leveraged against the possibility of the relationship ending some time in the future. And to be perfectly honest: that’s a stupid reason to break up with someone. Ending things because you don’t think you could make a LDR work is reasonable. Breaking up with someone now because you can’t guarantee that you’ll definitely be together in 2 years, 3 years, 10 years… that’s just dumb. You don’t have any guarantees that you won’t break up next week, never mind in one of the many possible futures when you’re both living in a foreign country.

Cold truth time: all relationships end, sooner or later, until one doesn’t. Your girlfriend now may well be the last relationship you ever have. Or she may just be the first in a string of serious relationships. You don’t know and you can’t know. Trying to base whether to continue dating her by gaming out the future is only going to steal joy from what you have now. Borrowing trouble from a future that MAY be two, three or five years down the line is a great way cast a shadow over something that you have right here, right now.

You’re crazy about this woman. She’s crazy about you. You’re both interested in trying to make the LDR thing work while she’s still in college. Freaking go for it. Quit worrying about the long-term uncertainty and appreciate what you have now. You may end up in a relationship that does have a definite expiration date or you may break up before it ever becomes an issue, or you may find ways of making things work and have a long happy marriage surrounded by fat grandchildren. But what you don’t want to do is end up making yourself miserable over what might happen. Giving up happiness in the present for fear of sadness in the future means you’ll never be happy.

Enjoy what you have. Settle in for a LDR for the two years while she’s finishing school. When she graduates and you both have a better idea of what’s going to happen next, THEN it’s time to negotiate the next potential change to your relationship. Maybe she’ll be leaving the country. Maybe she won’t. Maybe you’ll go with her. Maybe you won’t. Maybe she’ll get a job and move to Boston with you. Maybe she’ll stay in DC and you’ll get transferred to a branch office in Baltimore. Who knows. That’s the future and the two of you can deal with it when it arrives.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your help to save my relationship. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months, we’re both nerdy and we’re both gamers. We love gaming together and most of the time everything is great. Here’s the problem: I’m an extrovert, he’s an introvert, and if he spends more than 4-5 days with a person, he has to get away from them for a few days or he goes nuts. So since we spend a lot of time together since we’re dating, every so often he has to spend a few days away from me, sometimes a week. We plan on limiting the time we spend together to 3 days a week to see how that goes. I really hate when he wants to be away from me, it hurts and I feel sad; and even though I understand why and he tells me it’s not personal it still feels horrible. Is there another way we can solve this other than me being miserable every once in a while when he needs to be away from me? If he needed to be away for work, or some other reason I wouldn’t care. But the fact that he cant stand me if I’m with him too much just really hurts. How can we eventually move in together if he can’t be with someone more than 4 or 5 days at a time? He also wants to get married eventually, but I don’t get how that would work. He thinks he could get an “alone room” in the house or something, which I think is weird. 

Anyway, what’s your advice?

A Whovian’s Girlfriend

DEAR A WHOVIAN’S GIRLFRIEND: There’re a couple issues here.

The first is that you’re taking this personally, when it’s not about you at all. Your boyfriend’s behavior is about energy – how he recharges and how he expends it. As an introvert, he recharges his energy through more solitary pursuits and gets worn out being around people. An extrovert is the opposite: they get their charge from being around others and can be uncomfortable on their own for long. Some introverts are more sensitive than others and may need more time on their own, just as some extroverts have a harder time being on their own and need to be around people as much as possible. It sounds like your boyfriend is one of former – being around anyone, even in a one-on-one situation, drains him.

The thing you have to realize is that being his girlfriend doesn’t magically make you the exception to the rule; just because he loves you doesn’t mean that being around you is any less draining. It’s got nothing to do with how he feels and everything to do with what this does to his energy levels. He may love you, but he’s still going to need a chance to recharge his batteries.

And really, a room of one’s own isn’t that unusual if you can afford a place with enough bedrooms. Some people have an office in their house or apartment, others have a man cave or a craft room or set up their garage as a workspace. Having a place that’s your own little sanctuary can be valuable.

All that being said… I don’t think that’s necessarily the problem here. I think the real issue is that he’s feeling a bit smothered and wants some time on his own and doesn’t know any other way to tell you.

Spending every waking moment together isn’t a healthy measure of how awesome your relationship is, just as wanting some time on one’s own isn’t a sign that he doesn’t care or feels less than you do. Everyone has different attachment styles. Some folks like a lot of space and personal time, even in relationships. Others like to be joined at the hip with their partners at all times. You sound like the latter. Unfortunately, you’re dating one of the former, and it sounds like the two of you are working against one another. People who need space tend to react badly when their partners are clingy, while people who want lots of togetherness tend to react to someone needing space by clinging even tighter, as though this could magically fix things and make him want to spend more time with them.

Needless to say, this is a recipe for disaster.

You both sound relatively young and to be perfectly honest, it sounds like neither of you have had too much experience with committed relationships. Your boyfriend is one of those types where spending nearly every day together is going to be way too intense for them, especially when it’s a brand new relationship. Add that to the fact that he’s an introvert and, well, you’re probably overwhelming him and he’s desperate for some alone time. Of course, it doesn’t help that he doesn’t really know how to TELL you this – especially since you’re already getting anxious over the fact that he needs time at all.

So the two of you need to sit down and have a long Awkward Conversation about how this is going; how is he going to get his need for space met while also meeting your need for togetherness. And when you do talk, you need to make a point of realizing that his needing personal space has nothing to do with how he feels about you. If you are going to get upset over his wanting time on his own, then your relationship isn’t going to work out. Really, getting together three days a week – every other day, perhaps – is entirely reasonable, especially as the two of you learn how to work with one another. Most couples at your stage are usually lucky to see one another on the weekends and meeting up during the week for a quick lunch or mini-date. You can always adjust things as you get more experienced with handling one another’s needs.

And as a total aside: honestly, three months is too soon to be talking about moving in together and way too soon to be talking marriage. Slow your roll, talk out your issues and see if you can find a compromise that works for both of you.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I would like your opinion on something.

I sort of have feelings for one of my friends girlfriends. Now before you start playing “Jessie’s Girl” I do NOT want to act on these feelings. I like my friend and his girlfriend and I’m glad they’re in a happy relationship. I don’t want to do anything to ruin it. 

I mostly just have fantasies about her, but I quickly get rid of those thoughts. I think the reason why have these thoughts about are because of my own relationship issues. You see I’m in my second year of college, busy with the work that comes with it and I have pretty bad approach anxiety, so my love life is non-existent. My friend’s girlfriend is the only attractive girl I’ve talked to on a consistent bias. 

So I guess my question is it okay that I have fantasies about my friend’s girlfriend as long as I don’t act on them?

My Best Friend’s Girl Friend

DEAR MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRLFRIEND: Dude, what goes on between your ears is nobody’s business but your own. You’re welcome to fantasize about anyone you damn well please. Jerk it to visions of Mother Teresa or Billy Graham or Hank Williams Jr. if that’s your thing.

But let’s talk about your feelings for a moment. You don’t need to stress yourself out about what to do about these inconvenient feels you’ve developed for your best friend’s girl. You have a crush, that’s all. People get crushes all the time, whether they’re young or old, single or married for 30 years. It’s all part of the human experience, and all it means is that you’re a human who finds other people attractive.

That’s it.

Crushes, as intense as they can feel sometimes, are inherently ephemeral. They fade on their own, especially if you’re not doing anything to maintain it. Both trying to pursue it and trying to repress it only makes them stronger. All either of those do is put the state of I HAVE FEELS front and center in your brain, where you can’t possibly ignore it.

On the other hand, if you just acknowledge it, note it and just let it wash over you and past you without doing anything about it, it’ll fade on its own, sooner rather than later.

But really, the best thing you can do is deal with the source of the problem. You’re right: while I’m sure your friend’s girlfriend is an amazing woman, the reason you’ve imprinted on her like a baby gosling is because she’s the only attractive woman you’re talking to. She’s sexy, she’s nice and – most importantly, she’s safe. Your subconscious has decided it’s ok to lust after her because you know there’s no chance of things going anywhere; you’re not risking rejection by talking to her because you already know how it would turn out. 

This isn’t going to be healthy for you in the long run, and the best thing you can do is, frankly, to go meet other women. You don’t necessarily need to date them, but exposing yourself (er… as it were) to other women out there is going to make it easier to deal with these guilt-inducing fantasies of yours. And if you happen to get a date or get laid out of it… yahtzee!

So you’ll need to work on getting a handle on your approach anxiety. The best way to do that  is to slowly desensitize yourself and get used to just being able to talk to other people. Go check out the archives on my site and read my posts about dealing with approach anxiety; I outline how to go about getting more comfortable with approaching strangers. The more you interact with other attractive – and, critically, available – women, the less you’ll be consumed by these thoughts that’re making you feel so uncomfortable.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)