DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am much older than your typical reader but I really like the advice you give. I am getting back into dating at 51 and I really think I don’t know what the hell I am doing. I was married for 13 years with him for 15. I took a while to get my life together after the divorce, and I had one relationship for about six months since. Before my marriage I lived with somebody and mostly had long term relationships so I have not really “dated” since my early to mid 20’s.

I feel like the ground has shifted dramatically and that I am a massive prude and people are all out having threesomes and anal sex and watching porn and my dating expectations are probably very retro. I understand the basics, don’t talk about exes, don’t spill all your dirty secrets before you know somebody, don’t jump into instant emotional Niagara Falls. I am not looking to bag my soulmate or find a husband, i just thought I should stretch myself a bit and it would be nice to meet somebody to see regularly to catch a movie with or dinner or music and even sex. But I do feel like an alien from another planet. Everything is so casual these days and I struggle a bit with the ambiguity of it all. How do I adjust to the new world of dating and actually enjoy it while remaining true to myself. In short, how do I date when hooking up/casual sex is not exactly my comfort zone?

Stranger from an Old School Planet.

DEAR STRANGER FROM AN OLD SCHOOL PLANET: I realize it feels like you’ve been woken up from cryogenic stasis and now you’re in this strange world where people are melding their genes with aliens’ and we’re all eating caribou eyes and extinct cultures are being brought back in carefully controlled reservations but seriously: dating is still pretty much the same as it was 30 years ago. Social mores mean that more people are doing openly what others did in secret and we now have labels for things that previously went unsaid, but people are just people and dating is still dating. Some folks have lots of crazy sex. Some people don’t. Some people are serial monogamists while others play the field. Some folks meet their partners through friends, through blind dates, through personal ads, at work or at bars. Sometimes it may look a little different – Tinder and OKCupid have replaced the traditional personal ads – but at it’s core, it’s all the same as it was. There’s nothing new under the sun.

And you, Stranger, don’t have to do anything that you’re not comfortable with. You are perfectly within your rights to date the way you want, in ways that make you feel comfortable. The biggest thing that’s changed over time – one of the best things, in my opinion – is that we’re all increasingly free to look for the kind of relationships we want instead of trying to conform to a narrow and restrictive definition. And believe me, despite how it may feel at times, there are plenty of people who want what you want: something simple, comfortable and companionable.

The key is – as with most relationship issues – that you have to be willing to ask for it. Ambiguity tends to happen because people let it happen. Some people are afraid to be the first to try to put a label on things for fear of tipping their hand or coming across as too eager or desperate. Others like to keep things ambiguous because they want to use that uncertainty in order to prey on other people’s anxieties. But the fact of the matter is: you’ve got nothing to prove and, honestly, nothing to lose. Be clear and up front about what you want and what you don’t want. Be clear about what you’re looking for. Having strong boundaries – not wanting casual sex, for example – will chase off some folks and that’s fine. Those are people you’re not compatible with in the first place and the sooner you find that out, the better off you’ll be; you don’t want to waste time with people who don’t want what you want too.

And believe me: there’re people out there who’re in the same boat as you. They’re a little older, a little more mature, a little hesitant to step back into the dating world because it all feels so strange and different. But I promise you: it’s not as strange and mystifying as it seems.  You know what you’re doing, you’re just a little rusty. Just remember: take things at slowly and at your own pace. You don’t need to leap back in all at once; you can dip your toe in until you’re ready to wade in a little further.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m currently enjoying much more success than I ever have, hell in this past year I’ve been on more first dates this past year than I have my entire life (for reference: got married young, not necessarily the best decision)! I have more friends, get out and do new thing, etc. But I’m still trying to get to be the best I can be.

Also for reference: I work nightshift; it makes it hard to get out and meet new people (not impossible though!). Most of my date have been from online.

But the biggest reason I’m emailing you is because of the last woman I went out with. Actually, she ended up messaging me first online! We went out about a week later to a local barcade. Had a great time in my opinion, and ended the date with a kiss.

The second date ended up being about 5 days later, on a Sunday. She seemed a little stiff, and when I asked she told me she was just tired. So I was just being my normal, goofy self. We went to lunch and then to the Ripley’s museum downtown. At the end I was suggesting a group dance lesson for the next date

Fast forward two days later, I finally found a good place to go, and I texted her about it. She messages me back saying she wasn’t feeling it. At this point I’m a little perplexed by this (it seemed like we had a good time, and yes I had been trying to pay attention to her body language to calibrate myself during that date), so I ask to talk to her after thinking a little bit about it.

I basically said that “Hey, you know I think I didn’t let an emotional bond fully form, or express myself enough, and it stopped anything from happening, and I’d like another shot.” (Note: I made sure not to come across as begging. If she doesn’t want to date me I can’t force her). She responded by saying the big thing was the goofiness. It was too much. And her answer was “can I have some time to think about it.”

I contacted one of my close friends 2 days later and she said I kinda could be that way. And that we had never had a real serious conversation. It also made me realize a lot of my friends/connections are really light, there were only three main people I could think of that I would have felt comfortable asking about this!

And my question here is: can one be too goofy/funny/etc? And even if it is, I’m not necessarily looking to lose it. But maybe learn a time & place? Or to weave it with a conversation better? And any exercises/tips to be more mindful of this?

Come to think of it, I asked a lot about her (without over-questioning) of questions in the beginning when we first started chatted, then when we actually met up? Not so much. And I know asking questions is a good way of showing interest, maybe I need to do that more?

Why So Serious?

DEAR WHY SO SERIOUS: Straight talk my dude: you’re turning people off with your constant comedy routine. Humor may be attractive and women may love a guy who can make them laugh, but there needs to be some substance too.

On a strictly practical level, being continually “on” is going to make you less funny . Part of what’s important about humor is timing. Much like physical chemistry and sexual tension, you can’t just build and build and build. You have to have a release, a moment to breathe and recover and regain your equilibrium. Otherwise, all that happens is that people get overloaded and numb and check out completely. This is why comedic movies aren’t just non-stop slapstick affairs; they build to a crescendo, release, then let things level off before building again.

But you’re shooting yourself in the foot on an emotional level too.

If you’re just constantly cracking jokes and being goofy, then you’re not giving people a chance to actually connect with you. It can be exhausting trying to talk to somebody who does nothing but drop bon mots and witty quips because, frankly, you don’t feel like you’re on a date so much as being dragooned into being part of somebody’s performance.

In your case, your dates are trying and trying and trying to make a connection, to get to know who you actually are when you’re not being Mr. Entertainer and all you’re doing is just using them as an opportunity to make more jokes. And after a while it starts to feel like the joke’s on them. Small wonder they’re not feeling it with you; there’s no chance for a spark to grow because you’re continually sucking all the air out of the room. As any comedian will tell you: you have to be willing to turn the comedy off at some point and just be real. Let your authentic self show through instead of continually deflecting with humor. If you’re going to be jokey and quippy, then dial it back. You can still be funny and goofy and banter with your date, but you have to space it out and be serious far more than you already are. Treat humor like a spice, not the main ingredient and you’ll do better.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a… situation, which I would appreciate your advice on.

A little more than a month ago, I went on a trip with a good friend (Let’s call her Alice) who I had an interest in romantically. Asked her out on the trip, she said no, we moved on gracefully. So far, so good, and I’ve maintained a close contact with her as friends. However, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, there are… complications.

First: her (stated, at least) reasons for rejecting me: One, that I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship; two, that she was still hung up on her ex (her first and only serious relationship thus far); three, that she’s going to be moving for work soon. Just in general, she appeared to be careful to leave the door open for “not now, maybe later”, although obviously I’m aware this might be wishful thinking on my part.

Second: While on this trip, I got relatively close to a girl we met. Nothing intimate, just had a great time with her and clicked pretty well. What was interesting is that Alice got noticeably jealous whenever I spent time with this girl, and spent a fair amount of energy trying to “warn me off” of her and/or convince me that she was just toying with me. In general, Alice acted relatively possessive/protective of me over the course of the trip, more than I would expect from a typical friend.

Third: While on this trip, Alice and I had several intimate discussions of the sort I’m not generally acquainted with having outside of relationships (sex, porn, eventual desire for children, detailed discussions of close friends’ relationships and their pitfalls, etc). Her best friend (also my very good friend, who was aware of and encouraged my interest) was surprised when I later told her what we’d talked about; these conversations were apparently well outside Alice’s norm.

All of this is background to the following: Prior to the end of the trip, Alice strongly suggested I take an extended break from dating to work on myself. The period suggested on the break was, conveniently, about long enough for all her time-sensitive personal issues to work themselves out… and more than long enough to eliminate any residual rebound angst. I agreed to it, but now I’m second-guessing myself. I’m not sure I like the idea of submitting myself to a “vetting period”, which I kinda feel like this is. Taking myself out of circulation for another chunk of time feels counter-productive, especially when one of the things I need to work on is how easily I get attached. And I’m worried about developing Oneitis even more than I fear I already have.

So, all this being said: Is taking a break a good idea? Am I completely bonkers for interpreting her actions the way I have? And, if I’m right… is this really a sound foundation to build a relationship on, when I’m basically being asked to “prove myself” for this extended time period?

Off The Market

DEAR OFF THE MARKET: I’m going to go with “um… no,” OTM. Here’s why:

Alice’s behavior is less the “I want to date you” variety and more of the “I want to keep you around in case I decide I need you,” type. I mean, on the one hand she doesn’t want to date you “right now” (for suitably nebulous values of “right now”), but she certainly doesn’t want you dating other people. She chased off someone you might have wanted to hook up with in the name of “looking out for you,” and then wants you to stop dating in general to “work on yourself” while she’s off doing her thing and will conveniently be ready for you by the time it’s all said and done.

So basically: she wants you put on deep freeze until she decides she’s ready. Well let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that there will be a point when she’s “ready”. This kind of suggests that either she doesn’t have a lot of confidence in the connection you two have or she’s trying to set the tone early for how your relationship will go. Neither of these is cool frankly and they don’t speak well to your future relationship with her. This is also counterproductive if you’re trying to overcome Oneitis; part of the cure for Oneitis is dating other people and realizing that, in the words of Tim Minchin:

“Your love is one in a million

You couldn’t buy it at any price

But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves

Statistically, some of them would be equally nice”

In other words: as amazing as this one person might be, there’re others out there who are also amazing if/when it doesn’t work out.

But I’m doubting that “when she’s ready” is a day that will ever come. There are people – both men and women – out there who love to keep people hanging onto the hope of an eventual relationship, even if they never intend to make it happen. They like the attention and emotional charge from the people they keep around without ever actually having to give of themselves in the process. They’ll string people along for as long as possible, dangling just enough encouragement to keep hope alive while always having some very good reason why it just can’t happen… yet. And of course, it’s in their interest to keep their marks single because if they find a relationship, then that hold’s gone, isn’t it?

But hey. You know Alice and I don’t. Maybe she’s just a little quirky but has good intentions. So you’ll have to make that call.

In the meantime, what should you do?  Working on yourself’s actually a good idea, so yes, you should be spending your energy there. Putting your dating life on hold however, isn’t. It’s better for you to be out there making mistakes and learning from them than it is to be living a monk-like existence in the name of eventually being ready (a day that – if you don’t practice your social skills – will not come; you’ll never think you’re ready.) This goes double for putting yourself on hold specifically for the chance of dating someone. You and Alice may be friends, but that doesn’t obligate you to give her right of first refusal for future relationships. So do your self-improvement and stay on the market. If Alice gets to the point when she’s ready to date you, you can decide for yourself if you still want her, or if you’ve found one of those 9.999 hundred thousand others who’s just as nice. And if she’s pissed that you didn’t put your life on hold just for her… well, then that’s a pretty good sign she wasn’t right for you in the first place.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a reader for a while and decided to throw my lady-hat into the ring. 

Been with Dr. Boyfriend for a couple years now – he was my boy next door during grad school, and I was his girl next door. We fell pretty hard for each other, then one night we talked about Batman and Grim Fandango until five A.M. and… we’ve now decided to take it further: it’s time to play house, share the bills, try to cram all our books into one student-sized shelf.

But! I’m pretty nervous, Doc! Before Dr. Boyfriend, I was a perennially happy single. To be honest I always thought I’d go through life single, and I was mostly OK with that! I’m independent, like my alone time, JRPGs, reading/writing, and binge-watching The Good Wife. Hardly things you do with others – he dislikes courtroom dramas, to boot! And then, for the last 18 months of the relationship, I actually moved to a nearby city to work while he stayed behind in the village. It’s only a 40 minutes train ride, and we saw each other every weekend and sometimes more, but still… I’ve been living alone and away for a while. 

Dr. Boyfriend has more experience in this (he lived with another lady before me) and has promised to help me as much as he can with the transition – give me some time alone when I need it, stuff like that. But, do I ask for it? Do I hope he notices when I need it? Do I just start hissing until he goes away?

So in lieu of any question, care to give a gal some tips? How do you live with others, even more after you’ve been alone for so long? How do you handle personal space, personal time, and (of course) sexy time?

Thanks!

Mi Espacio es tu Espacio

DEAR MI ESPACIO ES TU ESPACIO: Having space is pretty critical in a relationship. Yes, the two of you may be partners in crime and sharing your lives together, but you’re also individuals with your own wants and needs. Stick two people together and don’t give them any room to be by themselves and they’ll start driving each other crazy in short order, no matter how in love they are. So yeah, it’s going to be important that you can get your “me” time when you need it. Just as important is being able to ask for it. Different people have different needs and we tend to assume that our partners have the exact same needs we do. So someone who’s more of an attached-at-the-hip kind of person isn’t going to automatically recognize (or understand, for that matter) that their more independent partner’s squirming to get away. So the best thing you can do before you move in together is to get used to asking for what you need instead of assuming your partner’s a mindreader.

In fact, before you move in is the best time to start laying down the groundwork for the rules about how things will work as housemates as well as boyfriend/girlfriend. You and Dr. Boyfriend should sit down over a period of days before you start boxing up your things and figure out issues like cleaning schedules and routines, dividing up chores and household responsibilities and the like. You’re both going to naturally drift to the areas where you’re either best suited or simply care more than the other. You don’t need to split things exactly evenly – even the most egalitarian relationships are going to have some imbalances – but the overall effort put in by both of you will balance things out in the long run.

Please note: this means actual effort. Unless you specifically negotiate a “you pay the bills, I do the housework” arrangement, just putting money in doesn’t count as balance.

And remember what I said about asking for what you need? This includes literal labor as well as emotional labor. If you want him to do more to help – even if it’s just “keep your clutter in one easily contained area”  – then you need to be able to ask for him to do so and expect him to follow through. And he needs to be able to ask the same of you.

Oh and one more secret: if at all possible, have his and her sinks and mirrors in the bathroom. This will save the sanity of you both more than almost anything else.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So my high school boyfriend and I, (we’re both doing year 12) have been going through a rough patch for the past month or so that’s impacted our relationship. In fairness, I was part of this as I hadn’t figured out how to deal with my emotions surrounding my recently divorced parents.

However, although my boyfriend loves me, I feel as if he doesn’t want to be tied down or ‘fully commit’ to our relationship. He recently went to a party and met a couple of college girls from Sydney. I only recently found out he was talking to them, as well as his ex, and a girlfriend of theirs. I’m not really concerned about that, per se – they’re just friends. I worry that he’s beginning to feel the need to talk to these college girls though, and he’s going stray from me. We’re 17 and they’re 20 to 21 years old! Other boys who are in my year, who are friends with my boyfriend, supposedly talk with them too. I don’t want this to come in between our us. I feel that he is loyal, but at the moment he is unhappy. We’re working on it, but I feel that I’m committing to this more than he is. We’re on trial till the end of March and I’m worried he’s just holding out till then, but I don’t want to throw everything away!

Help?!?

End of (High-School) Days

DEAR END OF HIGH-SCHOOL DAYS: Straight talk, EoD: every guy you date from now until the end of time is going to talk to other girls. He’ll likely have girls as friends. In fact, he’ll probably have times where he has crushes on girls who aren’t you. That’s all perfectly normal and to be expected; you’re going to have guy friends and guys you’re attracted to as well, even when you’re in a relationship. The sooner you get used to that idea, the less intimidating it will be; you’ll recognize that attraction and crushes happen and doesn’t actually affect your now-and-future beaus’ bond with you, any more than your occasional crush affects how you feel about them.

The other thing, however, that I’m going to be blunt about is that “trial separations” or putting things on pause or “testing” things and the like are usually precursors to break-ups by people who aren’t quite ready to pull the trigger. So if I’m going to be honest, then I’m going to guess that if you’re in a “trial period” after a rough patch, then in all likelihood, that’s going to end with a break-up. Now to be fair: I could be totally wrong; I’m not there and you’re the expert on your own relationship.

But here’s something to keep in mind: 99.9% of relationships in high-school don’t last past graduation, and the ones that do tend to end before the first year of University is over. This doesn’t mean that your relationship was a failure or that you did anything wrong – it’s just that this particular relationship came to it’s natural end and you’re moving to a new phase of your life. Break ups suck but they don’t necessarily mean that the relationship (or you, for that matter) was a failure just because it didn’t end in one or both of you dying in the saddle. If things end amicably and the two of you are able to be friends or have good feelings about the other… that’s a pretty solidly successful relationship in my book.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I find myself in an interesting position. I’ve just recently graduated from college, and in the morass that is post-school BS, I need some advice with regard to my (admittedly near-nonexistent) love life.

See, I have a friend – let’s call them Alpha – who I got reasonably close with in my last year of school, and we have a lot of the same interests (and issues) in common – we’re both tabletop nerds with heavily self-deprecating senses of humor, we both suffer from some pretty severe anxiety/stress/upwardly messed up brain chemical stuff, and we both have a love of political-heavy sci fi (we have a decently long-running inside joke about House Atreides).

In school, I acknowledged, “hey, they’re real attractive,” but any kind of feelings on my part were muted because A. They were in a very nice relationship with a really great guy and B. any kind of romance/sexual exploration was not on my list of things to solve in school, and my weight and self-esteem issues would have made dating in general unlikely anyway.

But things kind of changed on my part after a mutual friend (and my roommate for half of college) passed away during cancer, and Alpha and I interacted quite a bit and caught up in the aftermath. They and another friend who lives close by said they would be coming to my general area over their break, so we made plans to meet up.

The two showed up, and we had a lot of fun playing tourist in my hometown. I introduced them to my friends, among them a guy we shall call Bravo. Bravo is, shall we say, the flirty type, and so is Alpha; they hit it off pretty quick on that front, and while it didn’t really go anywhere in the end, it was the kick in the nuts that said to me “Oh crap, I’m really into Alpha. Like, a lot more than I thought.”

Things get even more complicated after the visit, when, afterwards, we start confiding in each other over text. This is my real problem; you’ve probably gotten the usual “don’t want to take The Leap and ruin the friendship” line a quadrillion times, but I think in this case it’s justified – we’ve low key become something of a shoulder to lean on for each other and a confidant, with them telling me they have an easy time talking to me and confiding. A lot of the stuff is a bit heavy, but while I’m not going to share any of it, I will say that I don’t think any of it could be considered “flirty.” It is, however, something that I really do value, and has helped my depressed ass on more than one occasion, and I like to think vice versa.

They also accepted my invitation to come hang out with me and my friends on New Years’ Eve, and when I was later in a bit of a self-loathing slump, they pointed out that they were literally blowing off their family to come see me and my friends on NYE, which kind of shocked me in hindsight.

I suppose the summary of my issue is – I’m crushing hard on a friend who I really want to keep as my friend, and whose support and affection means quite a bit to me. They’ve also had a lot of troubles at school, and have been burned before, so I don’t want to accidentally throw any further fuel on that fire and accidentally “Nice GuyTM” them or something, I just want to be there to help provide emotional support when needed. What’s a nerd to do?

Best,

Badly Conflicted Atreides

DEAR BADLY CONFLICTED ATREIDES: Here’s the thing about crushes, BCA: they’re kind of like fire. Some of them burn like a star and some of them are a low flame. Some burn out quickly and some will continue to burn like smoldering coals until something causes it to flare up again.

But regardless of the intensity or the duration, all crushes and attractions need fuel to keep it going. Part of what makes a crush – especially an awkward or inconvenient one – linger for so long is that you keep dumping fuel on them. Sometimes that fuel are the fantasies about dating them – ranging from grade-school behavior like constantly doodling their name to thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes the fuel comes in reinforcement, doing things like constantly checking their Instagram or Facebook feed and looking for thirst traps or evidence that they’re single again. And, paradoxically, sometimes that fuel comes from trying to squeeze those feelings away or obsessing about how goddamn inconvenient it is to have a crush that you don’t really want.

The commonality between all these behaviors is that you’re focusing on the emotions and the feelings of the crush. You’re letting it set up space in your head, rent free. Even when you’re trying to force it away, all you’re doing is constantly reinforcing the idea of “I have feelings for this person.” And to make matters worse, we as a culture don’t really have any sort of narrative of “well, I feel this way but it’s no big deal.” Almost everything we hear about crushes and pants-feels for people are either “It’s awful and you have to repress them” or “yeah, you need to do something about this otherwise it will haunt you forever.”

But a feeling isn’t an obligation, any more than arousal is a mandate. Feelings are just feelings and you can choose to just let them be.

So here’s how you let that inconvenient crush go. First: stop obsessing. Part of what keeps it so at the forefront of your brain is that you worry about what this means. It doesn’t mean anything; it’s just a feeling. So… feel it. Let the sensations of it flow through you like a stream. Don’t try to dam it up, don’t try to divert it. Just… feel it. And as you feel it: note it and name it, like you were noting a plant or a particular scent on the wind. “Oh hey, looks like I’ve got a crush on Alpha. Ok. Anyway, back to what I was doing.” The simple act of noticing it, feeling it and accepting it makes it less of this monumental THING that looms large in your consciousness and more of just one more piece of sensory data. Giving it a name deprives it of its titanic importance. It gives you perspective and distance and allows you to shuffle it along without dwelling so much on it that it becomes distracting.

It’s like any sensation. Your brain has only so much bandwidth to process signals, so once it decides something hasn’t changed, you’ll quit feeling it in order to free up the space. Just as you eventually stop noticing a smell or the way your chair feels underneath your body, the feelings of that crush will simply just… not be as immediately noticeable until you devote more conscious attention to it.

And because you’re able to just notice this crush without losing your mind over it… you deprive it of fuel. You don’t feed the attraction with your attention and you don’t intensify it by trying to compress it and lock it away. You just let it burn itself out in its own time and at its own pace. That may be a couple weeks. That may be a couple months. But it will fade. In time, it’ll just be one more quirk of your friendship with Alpha, something that the two of you can laugh about years down the line.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My situation is pretty specific. I’m a high-schooler in my senior year, and have little experience with women. Not just in the dating sense, but socially, too. I rarely hang out with my female classmates out of my own initiative. This bothers me because, like you said a few times, it’s more important to simply be able to talk to them and gain experience that way in high school for the future. I would love to work on that, but there are a few obstacles, from what I can see.

One is that I’m just naturally quiet. My friends and family assure me I’m just a good listener, but I still feel weird and lost getting into someone’s speech, and then being suddenly hit off-guard with the “hey you seem quiet” or “what do you think” response. This is arguably my greatest fear, and I’m worried I come off as unattractive when it happens. Not to mention my normal way of speech is kinda slurred, and so often I’m asked to repeat myself, which feels weird, too.

The other obstacle is that I live in a country whose official language is not my native tongue (which is English). This makes group conversations in that language especially hard to follow and it usually results in me zoning out, standing at the edge of the group. More often than not, too, whenever someone in my peer group makes a comment or observation in their language, I can’t hear them at first, so I just pretend to understand and nod/smile. I do this instead of asking them to repeat themselves because I’m worried it’ll ruin the flow of conversation and make everything awkward.

Both of these factors just make me the quiet one among my peers, and I worry that if I do try to speak up a bit more, I’ll get ignored or told to shut up. I feel that’s correlated with my slurred speech as well. Basically it’s a bad combination of shyness, introversion and language problems.

So, I’m curious to see what advice you have for me.

Regards,

Silence Is Gold-Plated

DEAR SILENCE IS GOLD-PLATED: First of all, SGP: it kind of sounds like you may have a slight audio processing issue. Considering that you’re trying to translate people’s conversation from their language into English, this isn’t terribly surprising; even people who’re fluent in a language will have moments where they have to run whatever they just heard through the translation program in their heads. There’s nothing shameful about that; it’s just a sign that you’ve actually taken the time to learn a language other than your own. If you need a moment to process something or it helps for them to repeat it so you can understand, then by all means, ask. Let them know that you didn’t quite catch that part and could they say it again? That’s part of how you learn. It’s less embarrassing – and less of an imposition – to ask someone to repeat things than it is to completely miss something that might have been important.

Second: if you’re worried about slurring, you can practice your diction. There may be vocal coaches you can work with in your area who can help you, or you might find exercises on YouTube that can help you get used to speaking clearly. I’ve had friends who’ve essentially trained themselves out of certain speech impediments by practicing imitating Sir Ian McKellan doing famous Shakespeare monologues. And if nothing else, slowing down and making an effort to speak deliberately can help you be understood.

But most importantly: there’s nothing wrong with being quiet. One of the things I’m always telling people is that we live in a world filled with people who don’t listen, so much as wait for their turn to speak. We very rarely meet people who actually value our input and opinions. This means that in practice, talking about ourselves tends to bring more pleasure than food or money. Being the person who gives someone their full attention and wants to know what they have to say? That is an incredibly attractive trait in someone.

And being quiet, or slow to speak up doesn’t mean that you look weird or creepy. More often than not, it makes you look thoughtful. You aren’t just rushing in to fling words into the air like audible chaff; you’re taking time to think about what people had to say and what to say in response. That’s a rare trait in this day and age when people (myself included) tend to let their mouths run faster than their brains can keep up.

Plus: there’s always the Silent Bob factor. When you don’t say much, people pay way more attention when you do finally speak up.

So no, I don’t think your friends are going to tell you to shut up or ignore you if you speak up when you have a point. Your friends and peers are far more likely to give you the same consideration that you give them. The ones who do are just marking themselves off as assholes, and life is too short to give a damn about what assholes think.

Just don’t let other people run roughshod over you, just because you’re quiet. There’s a difference between being quiet and being a push-over.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was just reading and watching your videos about ghosted (https://nrdlv.co/2Gv1yyO) and you talk about pre-date dates. How do you ask them without sounding creepy? Like you already got the date wouldn’t you asking to see them in advance be a bit creepy? Also how do you make sure that a date is happening without annoying or nagging them constantly?

Pre-Date Jitters

DEAR PRE-DATE JITTERS: The way you suggest a pre-date without being creepy is that you make it something low-stakes and low-investment and with a definitive cut-off point. People are more likely to agree to meet up if you say “Hey, I’ve got an appointment/interview/client meeting/ what-have-you in your area at 3 today. It’s totally cool if you’re busy, but would you like to grab a cup of coffee/frozen yogurt beforehand?” This implies several things: first, this is (theoretically) coincidental. You’re not seeking them out, you’re in their general vicinity for reasons that have nothing to do with them. So if they say “no, thanks”, it’s not a big deal.

Second: if they do meet up with you and it’s weird or uncomfortable, they know it won’t take up very much of their time. Part of why some people will ghost is the fear that they’re going to be stuck on a date with someone they’re not into for hours and then have to deal with the awkwardness of trying to leave early. When they know it’s going to be 15 minutes at the most, it’s much easier to agree. And if things don’t work out, at the most, they’re out 15 minutes and the price of a cup of coffee, not an entire evening.

As for making sure a date is happening? Just confirm with them the day before. Shoot a quick text that says “Hey, I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for Saturday” or “Looking forward to seeing you!” and you’re good to go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)