DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a… situation, which I would appreciate your advice on.

A little more than a month ago, I went on a trip with a good friend (Let’s call her Alice) who I had an interest in romantically. Asked her out on the trip, she said no, we moved on gracefully. So far, so good, and I’ve maintained a close contact with her as friends. However, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, there are… complications.

First: her (stated, at least) reasons for rejecting me: One, that I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship; two, that she was still hung up on her ex (her first and only serious relationship thus far); three, that she’s going to be moving for work soon. Just in general, she appeared to be careful to leave the door open for “not now, maybe later”, although obviously I’m aware this might be wishful thinking on my part.

Second: While on this trip, I got relatively close to a girl we met. Nothing intimate, just had a great time with her and clicked pretty well. What was interesting is that Alice got noticeably jealous whenever I spent time with this girl, and spent a fair amount of energy trying to “warn me off” of her and/or convince me that she was just toying with me. In general, Alice acted relatively possessive/protective of me over the course of the trip, more than I would expect from a typical friend.

Third: While on this trip, Alice and I had several intimate discussions of the sort I’m not generally acquainted with having outside of relationships (sex, porn, eventual desire for children, detailed discussions of close friends’ relationships and their pitfalls, etc). Her best friend (also my very good friend, who was aware of and encouraged my interest) was surprised when I later told her what we’d talked about; these conversations were apparently well outside Alice’s norm.

All of this is background to the following: Prior to the end of the trip, Alice strongly suggested I take an extended break from dating to work on myself. The period suggested on the break was, conveniently, about long enough for all her time-sensitive personal issues to work themselves out… and more than long enough to eliminate any residual rebound angst. I agreed to it, but now I’m second-guessing myself. I’m not sure I like the idea of submitting myself to a “vetting period”, which I kinda feel like this is. Taking myself out of circulation for another chunk of time feels counter-productive, especially when one of the things I need to work on is how easily I get attached. And I’m worried about developing Oneitis even more than I fear I already have.

So, all this being said: Is taking a break a good idea? Am I completely bonkers for interpreting her actions the way I have? And, if I’m right… is this really a sound foundation to build a relationship on, when I’m basically being asked to “prove myself” for this extended time period?

Off The Market

DEAR OFF THE MARKET: I’m going to go with “um… no,” OTM. Here’s why:

Alice’s behavior is less the “I want to date you” variety and more of the “I want to keep you around in case I decide I need you,” type. I mean, on the one hand she doesn’t want to date you “right now” (for suitably nebulous values of “right now”), but she certainly doesn’t want you dating other people. She chased off someone you might have wanted to hook up with in the name of “looking out for you,” and then wants you to stop dating in general to “work on yourself” while she’s off doing her thing and will conveniently be ready for you by the time it’s all said and done.

So basically: she wants you put on deep freeze until she decides she’s ready. Well let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that there will be a point when she’s “ready”. This kind of suggests that either she doesn’t have a lot of confidence in the connection you two have or she’s trying to set the tone early for how your relationship will go. Neither of these is cool frankly and they don’t speak well to your future relationship with her. This is also counterproductive if you’re trying to overcome Oneitis; part of the cure for Oneitis is dating other people and realizing that, in the words of Tim Minchin:

“Your love is one in a million

You couldn’t buy it at any price

But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves

Statistically, some of them would be equally nice”

In other words: as amazing as this one person might be, there’re others out there who are also amazing if/when it doesn’t work out.

But I’m doubting that “when she’s ready” is a day that will ever come. There are people – both men and women – out there who love to keep people hanging onto the hope of an eventual relationship, even if they never intend to make it happen. They like the attention and emotional charge from the people they keep around without ever actually having to give of themselves in the process. They’ll string people along for as long as possible, dangling just enough encouragement to keep hope alive while always having some very good reason why it just can’t happen… yet. And of course, it’s in their interest to keep their marks single because if they find a relationship, then that hold’s gone, isn’t it?

But hey. You know Alice and I don’t. Maybe she’s just a little quirky but has good intentions. So you’ll have to make that call.

In the meantime, what should you do?  Working on yourself’s actually a good idea, so yes, you should be spending your energy there. Putting your dating life on hold however, isn’t. It’s better for you to be out there making mistakes and learning from them than it is to be living a monk-like existence in the name of eventually being ready (a day that – if you don’t practice your social skills – will not come; you’ll never think you’re ready.) This goes double for putting yourself on hold specifically for the chance of dating someone. You and Alice may be friends, but that doesn’t obligate you to give her right of first refusal for future relationships. So do your self-improvement and stay on the market. If Alice gets to the point when she’s ready to date you, you can decide for yourself if you still want her, or if you’ve found one of those 9.999 hundred thousand others who’s just as nice. And if she’s pissed that you didn’t put your life on hold just for her… well, then that’s a pretty good sign she wasn’t right for you in the first place.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a reader for a while and decided to throw my lady-hat into the ring. 

Been with Dr. Boyfriend for a couple years now – he was my boy next door during grad school, and I was his girl next door. We fell pretty hard for each other, then one night we talked about Batman and Grim Fandango until five A.M. and… we’ve now decided to take it further: it’s time to play house, share the bills, try to cram all our books into one student-sized shelf.

But! I’m pretty nervous, Doc! Before Dr. Boyfriend, I was a perennially happy single. To be honest I always thought I’d go through life single, and I was mostly OK with that! I’m independent, like my alone time, JRPGs, reading/writing, and binge-watching The Good Wife. Hardly things you do with others – he dislikes courtroom dramas, to boot! And then, for the last 18 months of the relationship, I actually moved to a nearby city to work while he stayed behind in the village. It’s only a 40 minutes train ride, and we saw each other every weekend and sometimes more, but still… I’ve been living alone and away for a while. 

Dr. Boyfriend has more experience in this (he lived with another lady before me) and has promised to help me as much as he can with the transition – give me some time alone when I need it, stuff like that. But, do I ask for it? Do I hope he notices when I need it? Do I just start hissing until he goes away?

So in lieu of any question, care to give a gal some tips? How do you live with others, even more after you’ve been alone for so long? How do you handle personal space, personal time, and (of course) sexy time?

Thanks!

Mi Espacio es tu Espacio

DEAR MI ESPACIO ES TU ESPACIO: Having space is pretty critical in a relationship. Yes, the two of you may be partners in crime and sharing your lives together, but you’re also individuals with your own wants and needs. Stick two people together and don’t give them any room to be by themselves and they’ll start driving each other crazy in short order, no matter how in love they are. So yeah, it’s going to be important that you can get your “me” time when you need it. Just as important is being able to ask for it. Different people have different needs and we tend to assume that our partners have the exact same needs we do. So someone who’s more of an attached-at-the-hip kind of person isn’t going to automatically recognize (or understand, for that matter) that their more independent partner’s squirming to get away. So the best thing you can do before you move in together is to get used to asking for what you need instead of assuming your partner’s a mindreader.

In fact, before you move in is the best time to start laying down the groundwork for the rules about how things will work as housemates as well as boyfriend/girlfriend. You and Dr. Boyfriend should sit down over a period of days before you start boxing up your things and figure out issues like cleaning schedules and routines, dividing up chores and household responsibilities and the like. You’re both going to naturally drift to the areas where you’re either best suited or simply care more than the other. You don’t need to split things exactly evenly – even the most egalitarian relationships are going to have some imbalances – but the overall effort put in by both of you will balance things out in the long run.

Please note: this means actual effort. Unless you specifically negotiate a “you pay the bills, I do the housework” arrangement, just putting money in doesn’t count as balance.

And remember what I said about asking for what you need? This includes literal labor as well as emotional labor. If you want him to do more to help – even if it’s just “keep your clutter in one easily contained area”  – then you need to be able to ask for him to do so and expect him to follow through. And he needs to be able to ask the same of you.

Oh and one more secret: if at all possible, have his and her sinks and mirrors in the bathroom. This will save the sanity of you both more than almost anything else.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So my high school boyfriend and I, (we’re both doing year 12) have been going through a rough patch for the past month or so that’s impacted our relationship. In fairness, I was part of this as I hadn’t figured out how to deal with my emotions surrounding my recently divorced parents.

However, although my boyfriend loves me, I feel as if he doesn’t want to be tied down or ‘fully commit’ to our relationship. He recently went to a party and met a couple of college girls from Sydney. I only recently found out he was talking to them, as well as his ex, and a girlfriend of theirs. I’m not really concerned about that, per se – they’re just friends. I worry that he’s beginning to feel the need to talk to these college girls though, and he’s going stray from me. We’re 17 and they’re 20 to 21 years old! Other boys who are in my year, who are friends with my boyfriend, supposedly talk with them too. I don’t want this to come in between our us. I feel that he is loyal, but at the moment he is unhappy. We’re working on it, but I feel that I’m committing to this more than he is. We’re on trial till the end of March and I’m worried he’s just holding out till then, but I don’t want to throw everything away!

Help?!?

End of (High-School) Days

DEAR END OF HIGH-SCHOOL DAYS: Straight talk, EoD: every guy you date from now until the end of time is going to talk to other girls. He’ll likely have girls as friends. In fact, he’ll probably have times where he has crushes on girls who aren’t you. That’s all perfectly normal and to be expected; you’re going to have guy friends and guys you’re attracted to as well, even when you’re in a relationship. The sooner you get used to that idea, the less intimidating it will be; you’ll recognize that attraction and crushes happen and doesn’t actually affect your now-and-future beaus’ bond with you, any more than your occasional crush affects how you feel about them.

The other thing, however, that I’m going to be blunt about is that “trial separations” or putting things on pause or “testing” things and the like are usually precursors to break-ups by people who aren’t quite ready to pull the trigger. So if I’m going to be honest, then I’m going to guess that if you’re in a “trial period” after a rough patch, then in all likelihood, that’s going to end with a break-up. Now to be fair: I could be totally wrong; I’m not there and you’re the expert on your own relationship.

But here’s something to keep in mind: 99.9% of relationships in high-school don’t last past graduation, and the ones that do tend to end before the first year of University is over. This doesn’t mean that your relationship was a failure or that you did anything wrong – it’s just that this particular relationship came to it’s natural end and you’re moving to a new phase of your life. Break ups suck but they don’t necessarily mean that the relationship (or you, for that matter) was a failure just because it didn’t end in one or both of you dying in the saddle. If things end amicably and the two of you are able to be friends or have good feelings about the other… that’s a pretty solidly successful relationship in my book.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I find myself in an interesting position. I’ve just recently graduated from college, and in the morass that is post-school BS, I need some advice with regard to my (admittedly near-nonexistent) love life.

See, I have a friend – let’s call them Alpha – who I got reasonably close with in my last year of school, and we have a lot of the same interests (and issues) in common – we’re both tabletop nerds with heavily self-deprecating senses of humor, we both suffer from some pretty severe anxiety/stress/upwardly messed up brain chemical stuff, and we both have a love of political-heavy sci fi (we have a decently long-running inside joke about House Atreides).

In school, I acknowledged, “hey, they’re real attractive,” but any kind of feelings on my part were muted because A. They were in a very nice relationship with a really great guy and B. any kind of romance/sexual exploration was not on my list of things to solve in school, and my weight and self-esteem issues would have made dating in general unlikely anyway.

But things kind of changed on my part after a mutual friend (and my roommate for half of college) passed away during cancer, and Alpha and I interacted quite a bit and caught up in the aftermath. They and another friend who lives close by said they would be coming to my general area over their break, so we made plans to meet up.

The two showed up, and we had a lot of fun playing tourist in my hometown. I introduced them to my friends, among them a guy we shall call Bravo. Bravo is, shall we say, the flirty type, and so is Alpha; they hit it off pretty quick on that front, and while it didn’t really go anywhere in the end, it was the kick in the nuts that said to me “Oh crap, I’m really into Alpha. Like, a lot more than I thought.”

Things get even more complicated after the visit, when, afterwards, we start confiding in each other over text. This is my real problem; you’ve probably gotten the usual “don’t want to take The Leap and ruin the friendship” line a quadrillion times, but I think in this case it’s justified – we’ve low key become something of a shoulder to lean on for each other and a confidant, with them telling me they have an easy time talking to me and confiding. A lot of the stuff is a bit heavy, but while I’m not going to share any of it, I will say that I don’t think any of it could be considered “flirty.” It is, however, something that I really do value, and has helped my depressed ass on more than one occasion, and I like to think vice versa.

They also accepted my invitation to come hang out with me and my friends on New Years’ Eve, and when I was later in a bit of a self-loathing slump, they pointed out that they were literally blowing off their family to come see me and my friends on NYE, which kind of shocked me in hindsight.

I suppose the summary of my issue is – I’m crushing hard on a friend who I really want to keep as my friend, and whose support and affection means quite a bit to me. They’ve also had a lot of troubles at school, and have been burned before, so I don’t want to accidentally throw any further fuel on that fire and accidentally “Nice GuyTM” them or something, I just want to be there to help provide emotional support when needed. What’s a nerd to do?

Best,

Badly Conflicted Atreides

DEAR BADLY CONFLICTED ATREIDES: Here’s the thing about crushes, BCA: they’re kind of like fire. Some of them burn like a star and some of them are a low flame. Some burn out quickly and some will continue to burn like smoldering coals until something causes it to flare up again.

But regardless of the intensity or the duration, all crushes and attractions need fuel to keep it going. Part of what makes a crush – especially an awkward or inconvenient one – linger for so long is that you keep dumping fuel on them. Sometimes that fuel are the fantasies about dating them – ranging from grade-school behavior like constantly doodling their name to thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes the fuel comes in reinforcement, doing things like constantly checking their Instagram or Facebook feed and looking for thirst traps or evidence that they’re single again. And, paradoxically, sometimes that fuel comes from trying to squeeze those feelings away or obsessing about how goddamn inconvenient it is to have a crush that you don’t really want.

The commonality between all these behaviors is that you’re focusing on the emotions and the feelings of the crush. You’re letting it set up space in your head, rent free. Even when you’re trying to force it away, all you’re doing is constantly reinforcing the idea of “I have feelings for this person.” And to make matters worse, we as a culture don’t really have any sort of narrative of “well, I feel this way but it’s no big deal.” Almost everything we hear about crushes and pants-feels for people are either “It’s awful and you have to repress them” or “yeah, you need to do something about this otherwise it will haunt you forever.”

But a feeling isn’t an obligation, any more than arousal is a mandate. Feelings are just feelings and you can choose to just let them be.

So here’s how you let that inconvenient crush go. First: stop obsessing. Part of what keeps it so at the forefront of your brain is that you worry about what this means. It doesn’t mean anything; it’s just a feeling. So… feel it. Let the sensations of it flow through you like a stream. Don’t try to dam it up, don’t try to divert it. Just… feel it. And as you feel it: note it and name it, like you were noting a plant or a particular scent on the wind. “Oh hey, looks like I’ve got a crush on Alpha. Ok. Anyway, back to what I was doing.” The simple act of noticing it, feeling it and accepting it makes it less of this monumental THING that looms large in your consciousness and more of just one more piece of sensory data. Giving it a name deprives it of its titanic importance. It gives you perspective and distance and allows you to shuffle it along without dwelling so much on it that it becomes distracting.

It’s like any sensation. Your brain has only so much bandwidth to process signals, so once it decides something hasn’t changed, you’ll quit feeling it in order to free up the space. Just as you eventually stop noticing a smell or the way your chair feels underneath your body, the feelings of that crush will simply just… not be as immediately noticeable until you devote more conscious attention to it.

And because you’re able to just notice this crush without losing your mind over it… you deprive it of fuel. You don’t feed the attraction with your attention and you don’t intensify it by trying to compress it and lock it away. You just let it burn itself out in its own time and at its own pace. That may be a couple weeks. That may be a couple months. But it will fade. In time, it’ll just be one more quirk of your friendship with Alpha, something that the two of you can laugh about years down the line.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My situation is pretty specific. I’m a high-schooler in my senior year, and have little experience with women. Not just in the dating sense, but socially, too. I rarely hang out with my female classmates out of my own initiative. This bothers me because, like you said a few times, it’s more important to simply be able to talk to them and gain experience that way in high school for the future. I would love to work on that, but there are a few obstacles, from what I can see.

One is that I’m just naturally quiet. My friends and family assure me I’m just a good listener, but I still feel weird and lost getting into someone’s speech, and then being suddenly hit off-guard with the “hey you seem quiet” or “what do you think” response. This is arguably my greatest fear, and I’m worried I come off as unattractive when it happens. Not to mention my normal way of speech is kinda slurred, and so often I’m asked to repeat myself, which feels weird, too.

The other obstacle is that I live in a country whose official language is not my native tongue (which is English). This makes group conversations in that language especially hard to follow and it usually results in me zoning out, standing at the edge of the group. More often than not, too, whenever someone in my peer group makes a comment or observation in their language, I can’t hear them at first, so I just pretend to understand and nod/smile. I do this instead of asking them to repeat themselves because I’m worried it’ll ruin the flow of conversation and make everything awkward.

Both of these factors just make me the quiet one among my peers, and I worry that if I do try to speak up a bit more, I’ll get ignored or told to shut up. I feel that’s correlated with my slurred speech as well. Basically it’s a bad combination of shyness, introversion and language problems.

So, I’m curious to see what advice you have for me.

Regards,

Silence Is Gold-Plated

DEAR SILENCE IS GOLD-PLATED: First of all, SGP: it kind of sounds like you may have a slight audio processing issue. Considering that you’re trying to translate people’s conversation from their language into English, this isn’t terribly surprising; even people who’re fluent in a language will have moments where they have to run whatever they just heard through the translation program in their heads. There’s nothing shameful about that; it’s just a sign that you’ve actually taken the time to learn a language other than your own. If you need a moment to process something or it helps for them to repeat it so you can understand, then by all means, ask. Let them know that you didn’t quite catch that part and could they say it again? That’s part of how you learn. It’s less embarrassing – and less of an imposition – to ask someone to repeat things than it is to completely miss something that might have been important.

Second: if you’re worried about slurring, you can practice your diction. There may be vocal coaches you can work with in your area who can help you, or you might find exercises on YouTube that can help you get used to speaking clearly. I’ve had friends who’ve essentially trained themselves out of certain speech impediments by practicing imitating Sir Ian McKellan doing famous Shakespeare monologues. And if nothing else, slowing down and making an effort to speak deliberately can help you be understood.

But most importantly: there’s nothing wrong with being quiet. One of the things I’m always telling people is that we live in a world filled with people who don’t listen, so much as wait for their turn to speak. We very rarely meet people who actually value our input and opinions. This means that in practice, talking about ourselves tends to bring more pleasure than food or money. Being the person who gives someone their full attention and wants to know what they have to say? That is an incredibly attractive trait in someone.

And being quiet, or slow to speak up doesn’t mean that you look weird or creepy. More often than not, it makes you look thoughtful. You aren’t just rushing in to fling words into the air like audible chaff; you’re taking time to think about what people had to say and what to say in response. That’s a rare trait in this day and age when people (myself included) tend to let their mouths run faster than their brains can keep up.

Plus: there’s always the Silent Bob factor. When you don’t say much, people pay way more attention when you do finally speak up.

So no, I don’t think your friends are going to tell you to shut up or ignore you if you speak up when you have a point. Your friends and peers are far more likely to give you the same consideration that you give them. The ones who do are just marking themselves off as assholes, and life is too short to give a damn about what assholes think.

Just don’t let other people run roughshod over you, just because you’re quiet. There’s a difference between being quiet and being a push-over.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was just reading and watching your videos about ghosted (https://nrdlv.co/2Gv1yyO) and you talk about pre-date dates. How do you ask them without sounding creepy? Like you already got the date wouldn’t you asking to see them in advance be a bit creepy? Also how do you make sure that a date is happening without annoying or nagging them constantly?

Pre-Date Jitters

DEAR PRE-DATE JITTERS: The way you suggest a pre-date without being creepy is that you make it something low-stakes and low-investment and with a definitive cut-off point. People are more likely to agree to meet up if you say “Hey, I’ve got an appointment/interview/client meeting/ what-have-you in your area at 3 today. It’s totally cool if you’re busy, but would you like to grab a cup of coffee/frozen yogurt beforehand?” This implies several things: first, this is (theoretically) coincidental. You’re not seeking them out, you’re in their general vicinity for reasons that have nothing to do with them. So if they say “no, thanks”, it’s not a big deal.

Second: if they do meet up with you and it’s weird or uncomfortable, they know it won’t take up very much of their time. Part of why some people will ghost is the fear that they’re going to be stuck on a date with someone they’re not into for hours and then have to deal with the awkwardness of trying to leave early. When they know it’s going to be 15 minutes at the most, it’s much easier to agree. And if things don’t work out, at the most, they’re out 15 minutes and the price of a cup of coffee, not an entire evening.

As for making sure a date is happening? Just confirm with them the day before. Shoot a quick text that says “Hey, I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for Saturday” or “Looking forward to seeing you!” and you’re good to go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m really appreciating what you’re doing. Your books were quite helpful for me.

I have an issue with post ‘speed dating’ dating and I don’t know what the hell am I doing wrong.

But first things first: I’m a male in my late 20s, I’m rather handsome, maybe not really fit, but I’m working on it. My social circles are non-existent – I have a limited number of friends and many of them are nerds like me, so meeting new people at parties is impossible. (Most evenings I spend alone – reading, gaming etc)

So, I started going to speed dating events. When I have a match, I invite her for a date, usually coffee/beer followed by walk in a park. Usually I get positive feedback: “I think you’re cool”, “I had nice evening” etc., but there rarely is a second date. Also, even if conversations are really awesome, things seldom are sexual, or even flirty.

Am I being too nice? Are our topics too serious? We tend to talk about things like life and philosophy.

I’m confused how to build tension and attraction – how do you even propose a simple kiss? Do I lack courage? Am I playing things too safe? Or maybe I cannot properly read some signals? Or is a first date too early to propose such things?

Need An Instruction Manual

DEAR NEED AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL: I’m not terribly hot on speed dating as a general rule, NAIM. I don’t think it’s necessarily a great way to meet people that you’re compatible with and they’re often set up in a way that makes it harder to connect with people. That having been said, if they’re working for you, then hey go for it. You’re clearly making a good enough of an impression that you’re getting a series of first dates out of the mix. The problem is getting that second date. And there are two potential problems to work on.

The first is that you may not be meeting people you have chemistry with. One of the things that you aren’t going to hear from folks in the dating advice industry is that dating is something of a numbers game. There are people who you just aren’t going to be compatible with, no matter what you do. They’re often perfectly lovely people, but the two of you just won’t mesh on the levels for a sexual or romantic connection. And while you can do a certain amount of pre-vetting as you get to know people, the only way you can get around this is, well, to date.

The second issue is that your dates are pleasant. Nice, even. And that’s a problem.

I know, I know. “What’s wrong with pleasant dates?” Well… it’s that pleasant is, frankly, boring. They’re vaguely pleasing but not terribly exciting or memorable. They’re the dating equivalent of going to a movie and leaving thinking that you don’t feel like you wasted your money, but you’re going to forget all about it as soon as you drink a beer and only remember that you saw it months later when someone mentions that it exists. If you want a second date, you need more than just “pleasant”. You need to give them a reason to want to see you again.

Now you are doing some things right. Getting coffee is a decent start, especially if you can parlay it into another activity. But as a general rule, meeting for coffee is less of a date and more of a pre-date audition. You’re essentially doing your due diligence and seeing if there’s enough interest and compatibility to go on a real date. But in and of itself, they’re not always that great by themselves.

Going for a walk isn’t necessarily bad either. It’s low-investment, both in time and money and it’s active. But at the same time, it can have some drawbacks, especially with the way you’ve been conducting yourself.

But what you’re asking for is a a series of instructions or guidelines for a good first date. With that in mind, here are the Dr. NerdLove guidelines for making sure you have a memorable first date.

First: you want to prioritize fun. One of the most important factors that determines whether you’re going to get a second date with someone is how much they enjoyed themselves while on a date with you. We instinctively prioritize relationships with people whose presence make us feel good. This is what’s known as the Reward Theory of Attraction; the more we feel good with someone, the more time we want to spend with them. We want more of that dopamine hit that we feel when they’re around. So you want to plan dates, especially first dates that maximize the fun potential. There are a number of ways to do this, but the easiest is to plan more novel first dates. We’re novelty-seeking creatures, and everybody and their dog has done the “dinner and a movie” date. Very few people, however, have gone go-karting or take a sushi-making class or play competitive skee-ball. You can even do twists on walk-and-talk dates; you could go hunting for Pokémon, you could visit a farmer’s market or a crafts fair, or conduct a two-person scavenger hunt.  Ultimately, you want to not just stand out from the typical first dates but also to help them enjoy themselves in a way they may not with other people.

Second: active first dates beat sedentary ones. One of the quirks of human psychology is that we’re very bad at understanding why we feel the way we feel. Often as not, we feel the physical sensations of a situation and retroactively apply a reason for it. When our hearts are pounding, we’re breathing hard, our palms are sweaty and our mouths are dry, then we might be scared… or we might be aroused. It depends on the context; is there a tiger in the bush, or are we with someone who’s just stupidly hot? We tend to associate the feeling with the person we’re with, instead of the activity, so riding a roller coaster may make your heart pound, but you’ll feel like it’s because of your date.  The nice thing about this is that anything that excites your central nervous system and gets your heart pounding will excite the rest of you. So visiting a haunted house or an escape room might make a better first date than, say, meeting at a cocktail bar.

Third: don’t be afraid to be polarizing. One of the reasons why first dates fizzle is that the conversation is pleasant, but not terribly memorable. This is a mistake a lot of people make: they don’t want to risk talking about potentially divisive or polarizing topics, so they stick to “safe” ones. As a result, you end up having what I call the “Applebees” of conversations. That is, it’s like trying to decide where you want to go to dinner. You both have an idea of what you actually want, but you don’t want to be rude and insist on it, so you toss out options that you’re not crazy about but you think the other person might like. After a little back and forth, you end up settling on a place that you both can agree on – Applebee’s – even though neither of you really want to eat there. It’s just the easiest, least divisive option.

So it is with most first date conversations; you don’t really talk about the subjects that let you get to know the other person on a deep and meaningful level because you don’t want to risk being too polarizing. So you have very pleasant, if not terribly deep, conversations. You’re better to have conversations where you actually get to know people – their favorite vacations, what they would do if they had no fear of failure, even politics or religion – than you are to talk about growing up or their current job.

Fourth: you’re on a date, so act like it. Dates are, by definition, a romantic engagement; you are both there because you’re seeing if there’s enough interest to consider pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship. So while it’s understandable that you might be a little hesitant to flirt or otherwise express interest, not doing so is going to send the message that you’re not actually interested in your date. So while the date may be enjoyable, it ends up being something platonic; you’re essentially telling them that you only like them as a potential friend, rather than a lover.

Now this doesn’t mean that you need to visibly drool over your date or make a pushy ass out of yourself – that’s a different great way to ensure that there’s no second date – but you do need to show that you’re into them. Compliments, flirting, even light physical contact – ranging from taking their hand to a gentle hand on the small of the back – are all ways of indicating your interest with someone.

Just keep in mind, these are best practices, not hard and fast rules. Some dates won’t lend themselves to one rule or another; not every date can be a heart-pumping extravaganza, for example. But as long as you keep these in mind as you go on dates, you’ll find that you’ll have far more success in the future.

Oh, and if it feels like there’s a spark between the two of you? Go for the kiss. And if you’re not sure… then just ask. “So, this feels like it might be time for a goodnight kiss, huh?” or even “I’d love to kiss you right now” are some great ways to make sure that your date wants to kiss you as much as you want to kiss them.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thanks for writing so many good articles, like your ones on chemistry. They’ve been really helpful to a guy like me.

Sometimes I have some extra time on the evenings and weekends. What can I do during that time to bring myself closer to getting a girlfriend?

Some things I’ve tried include reading dating advice sites (helpful, but I need more practice now) and going to coffee shops, bars, and other places to approach women in real life. This hasn’t worked for me just yet.

What do you think I should do?

Ready For The Next Step

DEAR READY FOR THE NEXT STEP: As much as I want you to keep reading through my archives – hey, pageviews are pageviews – you can only learn so much from books, sites and podcasts. There comes a point where rubber has to meet the road, and you have to put what you’ve learned into practice. What I would recommend you do now is spend time practicing socializing. Not just to get dates and meet women, but to just meet people in general. The more socially fluent and calibrated you become, the more at ease you become around people you’re interested in. The more at ease you are, the easier it is to connect with them on a romantic or sexual level.

Plus, the more you expand your social circle, the more opportunities you have to meet awesome people. So take that time you have and start getting social. Go to events just to hang out and meet folks and build up those social muscles of yours. You’ll be glad you did.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)