DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: At some point next year, I plan on moving to a new city to start a graduate degree program. I’m cautiously optimistic about this, as it’ll give me a chance to create a new social network and meet more new people; however, as it stands right now, I’m lacking a social life.

I’m 27 years old and have never had a girlfriend, and I’ve also never really had a close, tightly-knit group of platonic friends; mostly acquaintances. Once I move and attempt to make closer friendships, I’ll inevitably have to admit to these people about how I’ve never really had any close friends. I know that you’ve explained that when admitting something about yourself that people may not like, such as being a virgin (which I also am), you don’t try to show that you’re embarrassed or shameful, but it’s easier said than done. Plus, people talk about their friends constantly, whether they’re old friends or current ones, and if don’t, it’ll stick out like a sore thumb. If I ever have to explain that I’ve never had much of a social life, how do I rationalize or explain it in the best possible way?

Furthermore, when attempting to build a new social circle, I’m uncertain about what ages of people (and gender, as well) to focus on meeting. I’ll be studying speech-language pathology, which is mostly girls. I know this’ll give me a great chance to practice talking to women, but I’m not certain as to how well I could relate to most of them, because I’ll be 28 when I start the program, meaning most of the girls will be much younger than me, and it won’t be as easy to relate to them, seeing as we’re in different stages in life. For the record, I want to mainly focus on building my social circle, and if a relationship develops from it, that’s great. Still, I want other friends as well outside of college. I know there are plenty of other ways to build my social circle, but it’s generally been hard for me to relate to many of my fellow millennials throughout my life. At the same time, though I always found it a little odd trying to make friends with those who are 10 or more years older than me, even though some of our interests may be more compatible. (I like a lot of older TV shows and movies, and particularly love 60s rock music that isn’t just The Beatles.) I’m sure you’ll say something like how I shouldn’t care if there winds up being a significant age difference or a significant amount of girls in my social circle, as long as there’s mutual compatibility, but how do I just stop questioning this, just go for it, and get out and meet new people without any of these thoughts creeping up in my mind?

One more thing: I’ll be where I am right now for about five or six more months before I move. I want to practice my social skills now so it’ll be easier to meet new people after I move, but since I won’t be here much longer, it’ll be hard to develop close friendships. With all of this in mind, what would be the best way to improve socially in my current locale?

Movin’ On Up

DEAR MOVIN’ ON UP: Hey, congratulations on a new start and your graduate program, MOU! It sounds like you’ve got an exciting time ahead of you.  Of course, at the same time it can be kind of intimidating to start over in a new place, so it’s understandable that you’re a little apprehensive. But I think your bigger problem here is that you are seriously overthinking things.

No, for real, You are SERIOUSLY overthinking things.

Let’s start with the fact that you haven’t had any close friends. This isn’t the deal-breaker or oddity that you seem to think it is. Lots of folks grow up in circumstances where they simply weren’t in a position to make strong connections with people. Sometimes it was a case of moving constantly, as with children of military families. Sometimes it was due to illnesses or mental health. Still other times it was due to social (or literal) isolation. And other times… well, some folks are just shy and never quite gel’d with people. And that’s fine. It’s not something that you need to apologize for, but it’s also not something that most people are going to notice or even care that much about.

If anyone notices and comments that you don’t talk much about childhood friends or whatnot – and odds are, they won’t – then all you have to say is “Yeah, I didn’t have many close friends growing up” and give a shrug. You can elaborate as necessary, but “I wasn’t a really social kid” will satisfy most people’s curiosity. Lots of people went through that and if they didn’t, they knew folks who did. So you can relax on that score; you’re not going to stand out nearly as much as you think you will.

Next, there’s the question of who to meet – what ages, what genders, etc. And the answer there is simple: “yes”. Should you meet men? Yes. Women? Yes. Non-binary folks? Yes. Folks your age? Yes. Older than you? Also yes. Younger than you? Still yes. You’re going for your post-graduate degree, MOU; you’re going to be surrounded by people of varying ages. Most grad programs tend to be a mix of people in their late 20s, early 30s and even folks in their 40s or 50s. Meeting a wide range of people over all is a good thing; it broadens your horizons, introduces you to people whose lived experiences will differ from yours and teach you a little about yourself in the process.

The fact that most of the people in your program will be women doesn’t mean you’re going to have a hard time relating to them because hey, women aren’t some alien species. Their experiences aren’t so foreign that you won’t be able to understand or relate to them. They put on their pants the same way you do: tying them to the bedposts and being dumped into them by a Rube-Goldberg device when the alarm goes off in the morning. The odds are that you’ll be able to talk about movies (hey, go see Into The Spider-Verse) or what you saw on Netflix just as easily as you would with guys. A lot of making new friends – or even just getting people to like you – is listening and relating.

But honestly, it sounds like you know how to meet folks and make new friends… you are just having a hard time bringing yourself to do it. In fact, it’s that “not being able to relate” issue that seems to be your biggest hang-up. And honestly… I think the problem is that you’re artificially limiting yourself in a lot of ways. It’s fine if you’re making friends who’re older than you – like I said, meeting a wide range of people is generally a good thing – but I wonder if you’re being too rigid in what you’re into. I mean, you say that you have a hard time relating to your fellow millennials, but are you willing to meet them half-way? You may not necessarily like some of the same shows or same music, but have you been willing to say “hey, I’ve usually been into older shows/music/movies/whatever – what would you recommend I check out?” Trust me: there’re many folks who live for introducing new people to their favorites.

(Unless their favorite is The Big Bang Theory. Those people are wrong and should be shunned.)

But more than anything else, you need to develop a case of “f

k-its”. That’s where you stop trying to second-guess yourself or making basing your life about what you think people are going to say or do and just say “f

k it”. Are you friends with too many women? Enh, f

k it. Is it weird that you’re more into the swinging sounds of the 60s than top-40 radio? Enh, f

k it. The ethos of “f

k it” is to quit trying to control everything, to quit trying to min-max your social stats and to quit trying to conform to some arbitrary idea of what your social life should be. It’s to just live in the moment and take each opportunity as it comes, without analyzing it to death or trying to critical-path your way to some imaginary Best Ending. Sometimes you need to just look at the various worries and anxieties and say “you know what? F

k it, I’m doing this” and dive in.

And if you want to be ready to hit the ground running when you get to your new city? Then by all means, start now. Start cultivating a curiosity about people. Make small-talk with folks when you have the chance. You’re sitting at the counter at a restaurant? Ask your server how their day is going. You’re standing in line at Starbucks? Make an observation about the situation and see about getting a conversation started. Go to Meet Up events for things that interest you and talk with the people there. Get in the habit of talking to people and being interested in what they have to say. The more you make this part of your life now, the easier it will be to adapt it to your new life in your new home.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Internet dating is a world of many many fish in the sea. Very quickly I find myself dating lots of women at once (I know, no sympathy for me!). What I’m not sure about is how to go from there forwards. Because the thing about those first few months of romance is that physical attraction makes our brains crazy. All the red flags just look like flags, as Bojack says. Do I date several women for several months each until the thrill wears off and then evaluate, or do I try to be pickier at the beginning? Or am I discovering I’m just naturally someone who likes lots of relationships, and might be non-monogamous?

Too Many Choices

DEAR TOO MANY CHOICES: It sounds like you’ve only just started dating, TMC, because that honeymoon phase of the relationship doesn’t make you stupid. It just means that you’re caught up in the thrill of the new. The fact that something’s new and exciting doesn’t mean that all of your blood has pooled in your pants and didn’t leave enough for your brain. It just means that things are bathed in the warm light of “I just got laid a LOT” and sometimes you’re willing to overlook things that don’t reach a certain threshold.

Now that doesn’t mean people haven’t made stupid decisions because of what the non-monogamists call New Relationship Energy. But it certainly doesn’t mean that your picker is broken for the first six months.

But before you get to that, one thing you may need to do is sort out your dating patterns.

See, everyone’s got their patterns when it comes to dating. Some are serial monogamists, who tend to zero in on one person at a time. Some people like to play the field, casually dating a few people without expectation of seriousness or commitment. Some people will go on a couple of dates with different people as they look for compatibility and relationship potential while others just want some no-strings-attached hook-ups. And yeah, there’re folks who are non-monogamous or who have lots of love to give and can handle multiple emotional commitments at once.

And – this is something folks often don’t realize – many times, folks will bounce through several different patterns. Sometimes it’s a case of being the kid in a candy store; you’re overwhelmed by the options so you want to try them all, before you realize that maybe you’re more of a one-at-a-time guy. Other times it could be that you just got out of a relationship and the idea of committing to anyone gives you the screaming ab-dabs. Or you may have only just realized that you have options and you want to explore that side of yourself for a while.

Here’s the other thing that happens: some folks get overwhelmed and won’t settle down because they have a bad case of FOMO. Yeah, the person they’re dating is great… but what if there’s someone even better?  They get worried that they haven’t made the PERFECT choice and so they’re always on the look-out for the possibility that there may be another, better option on the horizon.

Now based on what you’ve said… you sound a little like right now, you like being the guy who has the chance to date lots of women. And hey, as long as everyone involved understands that’s what this is, then more power to you! But one thing you’ll discover pretty quickly is that while you may be down for dating many people at once, a lot of folks are cool only cool with that at first. As you get to know one another and the relationship progresses, they’re going to want to know if this is a relationship with a future, or if you’re still in your “try everything once” phase. And so the question of “Wait and see who I’m most suited for” may get answered for you by women who aren’t willing to wait while you compare them against other choices.

So here’s what I think: I think you need to figure out what you want. This may mean having a series of short-term relationships. And you know what? There’s a lot of value in STRs. We tend to treat relationships as failures if they aren’t multi-decade epics that end when someone dies, but short term relationships definitely have their place too. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just short stories.

Some are just dirty limericks.

So take some time and figure out what you want, not what you think you’re supposed to want. And trust me: what you’re “supposed” to want can be “BANG ALL THE THINGS” just as easily as “find a nice girl, settle down, get married, have 2.5 kids and a house in the suburbs”. The more you get to know yourself and what you want, the more you’ll figure out the dating pattern that works best for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all, thank you for all your work, it’s really interesting and I’ve been kind of addicted to reading your articles since I found out about them!

I’m a 21 year old Computer Science student from Portugal and I don’t really have a specific question, but my romantic and sex life is pretty null right now, so I tought you could help.

I had my first relationship at my senior year at high-school four years ago and we broke up two years ago, and ever since, I haven’t had any romantic or physical connection with a woman. I still don’t know how it happened, because all the effort of how we got together was made by her, and now I feel like I don’t have any experience in charming a girl. I’m a very social anxious guy and I suffered a lot of rejections meanwhile and I hardly get any dates. I think this is because I can never keep it cool.

Every time I actually engage in an interesting conversation, I end up too attached to the girl to the point of always wanting to start a conversation whenever I’m bored or needy. I also tend to shift the conversation very quickly to be about feelings and personal stuff. This can cause them to see me only as a friend or even worse, stop talking to me, because I was creepy or needy. Either way, I never feel any signs of attraction and this is deepening the problem. This usually leads to me just being straight forward with them and getting rejected every single time. It’s hard for me to find a reason to why I feel like this with women, I consider myself a well rounded person, with hobbies, friends, etc…

Thanks for your time!

Anxious Anonymous

DEAR ANXIOUS ANONYMOUS: You have a very common problem, AA, but not quite in the way that you think. Yeah, that anxiety attack you have causes you to lose your cool, but that’s more of a symptom than a cause.

The issue is two-fold. The first is that you – like most socially anxious, awkward people – are empathic. In fact, you’re a little too empathic. You – like your socially anxious brothers and sisters – get really, reallyworried about what people are thinking, if you’re bothering them, etc. On the one hand, this is noble and considerate of you. On the other hand, it gets very awkward for everyone involved because now you’re radiating anxiety in every direction and people pick up on that. You’re busy imagining all those worst-case scenarios that start with your saying “hi” and end up with your face plastered all over social media with an alert about how you’re the creepiest creeper ever to creep.

The other issue is that you’re putting way too much importance on the woman you’re talking to. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m sure she’s amazing. However, she’s not the only amazing woman out there. Hell, she’s probably not the only amazing woman within a 500 ft radius of you. The problem is that you’re treating her as though she were the only chance you have to find a relationship for the remainder of your life. As a result: you get caught up in a cycle where you seriously over-invest in them – both for representing your Last Chance Ever but also for the validation they give you.

So what do you do?

Well to start with, you’re going to learn to calm yourself down in the moment. As I’ve said before: your brain takes it’s cues from your body. If you keep control of your body, you can control your mind. So the first thing you want to do is practice breathing techniques. When you’re feeling anxious, focus on your breath. Breath in slowly, to the count of four. Hold it for the count of three. Then breathe out again for another count of four. Repeat this over and over – just breathing in, holding it, and breathing out again. This will help slow down your nervous system and lower your heart rate; that, in turn, will help you calm down. You may worry that this may make you seem distracted or keep you from responding as quickly as you might feel like you should. It will – it takes practice until you can do this without having to concentrate – but this is actually a bonus. Forcing you to take your time means that you won’t just blurt out whatever comes to mind or make sudden and awkward conversational transitions. Taking time to pause before replying to what the other person has said will also have the bonus of making you seem more considerate and charismatic; you’ll come across as taking time to really think about what they said instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.

But that’s just the physical issues. You also need to work on the mental and emotional side of the issue. And the way you do that is simple: you have to start practicing being outcome independent. Part of why you get so anxious and lose your cool is because you treat each conversation as a sudden-death quicktime event, where if you don’t do everything perfectly, everything in your life will come crashing down around you. As a result: everything is huge. It is vital. You are on the cusp of ruining it all!

So instead of trying to impress this person or win them over, you’re going to take dating or attraction off the table. Your only concern is just having a fun conversation. That’s it. You don’t need to impress them. You don’t need them to like you for more than just the span of 10 to 15 minutes or so. Did you have fun talking to them? Did they have fun talking to you? Cool, mission accomplished. You can walk away with your head held high.

Learning to become outcome independent and letting a conversation just be a conversation is important because it turns off that fear of failure and any catastrophe that may come with it. By getting in the habit of just relaxing and enjoying a conversation, things will flow more effortlessly. You won’t be as worried about impressing her because you’ll be able to focus on just connecting with her as a person. You won’t be as panicked because the worst that happens is that you excuse yourself and move on; all that you’ve lost was 15 minutes that you would’ve otherwise spent browsing Reddit or Facebook or what-have-you.

So learn to calm yourself down and just let things be what they are. Don’t get hung up on needing everyone to like you or to impress every person you meet. Enjoy some pleasant conversation, maybe make a new friend or two and just let things be. This will help that well-rounded, appealing person in you to shine forth.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So there’s this girl I’ve known for about 2 months, but have been talking to daily for over a month. The first date we went on, she asked me out.

We haven’t seen each other for over a month, because I’m a homebody and haven’t gotten around to thinking of a good date to go on with her. We still talk pretty much every day, and she even initiates conversations a lot of the time.

This past Friday, I messaged her on Facebook asking her what she was doing after work tonight. She said a friend of her’s was picking her up. I told her that I wanted to hang out with her because it’s been a while. She then replies back saying that she doesn’t know what she was going to get into with said friend, and would let me know. We kept on talking Friday night until her friend picked her up. She randomly messaged me at 3AM Saturday morning saying “My phone died.” I replied later that afternoon saying “That sucks. What are you up to?” – She didn’t reply until SUNDAY saying “Just working, what about you?”. I replied back saying “Same here. Working on this project.” Then I never got a response.

I really do like her. I felt like I could have put in more effort to hang out with her. It wasn’t like I was blowing her off, I was still talking to her, I just never really got around to asking her out. Well, I did invite her to a social group event Friday before last, that she said yes to, but that event had to cancel.

What’s strange is we were talking a lot up until this past weekend, now I feel like she completely wrote me off and I don’t know why. I really do like her, and I’d like to at least attempt to salvage what is left.

Initiate Recovery Mode

DEAR INITIATE RECOVERY MODE: Ok, couple of things.

First of all, for future reference: you don’t need to put a lot of effort into putting together “good dates”. Most dates are fairly simple affairs – you’re going and doing things that are fun together. Maybe that’s going to the zoo. Maybe that’s getting coffee and playing board games. Maybe it’s playing pool or seeing a comedy show or racing go-karts. Maybe it’s just a walk on a gorgeous day. Don’t let trying to find something “perfect” become the enemy of the “pretty good”.

Now as for what’s going on:

She’s not that interested in you, romantically. She clearly still digs you as a friend – and that speaks volumes to your connection together – but at the moment she’s not feeling it when it comes to going on a date. You can see it pretty clearly in her responses to you. As a general rule, when people are interested in someone, we tend to make definite plans with them. If we already have plans for a specific day, we’ll tend to try to find another time when we can get together. A “Well, I’ll have plans but we’ll see” is a pretty textbook example of a “soft no”; it’s a way of saying “nah, thanks” without being direct and risking hurting the other person’s feelings.

(It also doesn’t help when, during a conversation, you don’t give the other person anything to work with. “Same here, working on a project” doesn’t really spur a response, especially if the other person isn’t really motivated to keep up her end of things. Even a little humorous exaggeration -“trying to keep myself from dying of boredom as I pound this project into shape” – is more likely to prompt a response.)

The why of it is harder to discern. It certainly doesn’t help that you never asked her out on a second date; to most people, never suggesting another date is a pretty good indication that no, you’re not interested. As a result, she may well have assumed that you didn’t like her enough to ask her out again and ratcheted her interest down to “friend” instead of “potential snuggle-bunny”.

It could also be that she just wasn’t feeling it after the first date, so she wasn’t going to pound on your metaphorical door for a second.

Now, the question remains: can you salvage things with her?

Well… you can try. At this point, it’s more of a Hail Mary pass, than anything else; you’ll basically be throwing something out there against the odds and hoping that you’ll get lucky. Making it clear that you want to go on a date – not “hanging out” or “getting together” but a date – might make her realize that you’re actually interested in her. You might even explain that you took so long in getting back to her because you were trying to come up with a “good” date and just kind of got hung up on ideas instead of just asking her out.

But like I said: you’re probably just out of luck here. In the long run, it’s a better bet to chalk this up to a learning experience and not make the same mistakes next time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Last year I separated from my wife. It was the first long term relationship I had ever been in, we were together for 10 years, and married for 8. We’d been living like we were married for almost the entire time we were together. Problems at her home when we first started going out spurred me to invite her to move in with me very early on in the relationship. Probably a bit too early, but that’s neither here nor there.

As the relationship progressed we Tic’d and Tock’d back and forth between an extremely loving and caring couple and an abuser/abused relationship with me as the abused. Nothing physical, but it was the classic emotional kind. Isolation, feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy in either in the bedroom and in the job field.

It took the intervention of someone I met at work and developed a strong –and likely unhealthy but that’s a different story– friendship with to really open my eyes to what was going on and make a choice of what I wanted. I was given an ultimatum and was forced to choose between my wife and my friend and I chose my wife. Because… that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Well, saying goodbye to my friend was such an agony to do that it was what helped push me into making the decision to saying goodbye to my (now) ex-wife.

It’s been the better part of a year plus since this happened and I’ve gone on a grand total of One (1) date in that time. I was on OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, even Tinder. Entertainingly, the date I did go on was matched through Tinder but ended with coffee and someone I’m glad to call a friend, but nothing more.

The thing is… my heart’s just not into the dating scene. I’m 30, recently graduated with an Associate’s Degree back in December, and desperately underemployed for it. I speak to people on OKC, POF and other Dating sites but even when the possibility of a date is broached I just don’t “feel it.” I sigh, and try to politely decline. I’ve even matched up on Tinder a few times and even when a hookup is proposed I’ve got nothing. Zero interest on my part. I’m flattered when asked, I mean, I know what I look like; both in pictures and on paper.

So, I’m trying to get an outsider’s opinion on this. Am I in a slump? Is this something I should be looking into professionally? I’ve had a history of depression and the last two years of my marriage were goddamn miserable. I’ve read the site a lot, but to have just ZERO interest when a woman is basically saying, “Look, I want to hook up. You’re place or mine?” and my only response is, “I’m sorry, but this is not the D you’re looking for.”

Is there any way to work past this or is the answer a simple “Time heals all,”?

Not the D They’re Looking For

DEAR NOT THE D THEY’RE LOOKING FOR: While I don’t think it would hurt to talk to a counselor or a therapist to hash out some of the pain you’ve gone through, NTDTLF, you’re looking for problems where there really aren’t any. You’ve recently ended a very long-term, turbulent relationship… that’s going to take it’s toll on you. There’s going to be a period of adjustment – after all, you’ve just cut out a relationship that’s lasted for a decade. That’s going to have carved a groove in your brain. In a lot of ways, it’s almost like you’ve lost a limb and you’re going to need to adjust to doing things differently, from things as major as your daily routine to as seemingly minor as where you sleep in your bed. You’re going to have a lot of little things to unlearn that you’ll never even suspect had become part of your daily life until it was suddenly gone.

And then there’s the emotional toll that this can take on someone. You’ve been in an abusive relationshipand that’s going to leave wounds and scars and those take time to heal. To be sure: everybody handles abuse differently and there’s no one way to respond to an abusive relationship but frankly… it’s going to take a little time just to get back into emotional shape again.

I don’t think that you’re in a slump, I think your problem is that you’re trying to leap back in before you’re ready to date again. Yes, everyone recovers from breakups and heartbreak at different speeds and some people often start the getting-over process while they’re still with their partner but a year is awfully quick to try to push yourself back out there when you’re not feeling like you want to be out there. Maybe you feel like it’s time. Maybe you have well-meaning friends who’ve been telling you that you need to get back out there as quickly as possible or maybe they think that people need to be coupled off to be happy. But while getting under someone can be a great way to get over someone else, that’s not the only way to get over a break up… especially a relationship that was as turbulent as yours.

So do yourself a favor: take yourself back off the market. Suspend your accounts on OKCupid and Tinder. Spend some more time on you, with friends and family who’ve got your back and who’ll just be there for you while you take care of yourself. Just let yourself recover at your own pace and wait until you feel like you’re ready to date again – not when you “should” be but when you honestly feel the desire to do so.

Don’t worry about how long it will or won’t take; the dating scene will be there waiting for you when you’re ready to come back.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been reading your book, New Game +, and I love it. I’m up to doing the approaches bit and I have got a bit of anxiety.

I love the idea of gradually desensitizing myself. Yesterday I asked 7 girls for the time like you suggested. I didn’t ask 20 people for the following reason (and this is my current sticking point):

I work in a smallish town just outside of London. I would love to do them at lunchtime but my biggest fear is for my colleagues at work finding out what I am doing and my employer finding out about it. That of it blows up and an interaction goes wrong and if it’s witnessed by my colleagues, my employer may think I am harassing girls. Even if an interaction doesn’t go wrong but it is witnessed by colleagues, they think I am asking weird questions.

Also I am worried about bumping into the same people if an interaction goes wrong.

Do you think this is a legitimate fear?

I am thinking about approaching girls in a different town or London where I can do it and practice anonymously. It’s a shame I can only do it on weekends.

What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks

Nervous Newbie

DEAR NERVOUS NEWBIE: You’re overthinking things, NN. If it’ll make you feel more comfortable and you’ve got the cash to do it, then by all means, practice regularly in London. But I don’t think it’s really necessary.

If you’re following my book, then all you’re doing right now is making some fairly innocuous approaches – you’re asking people for the time or for directions to some place nearby. If your colleagues think that asking a stranger for directions to Starbucks or the nearest Marks and Sparks is weird… well, that’s pretty much their damage, really. Can’t really help it if they assume that human interaction is inherently unusual. Even when you advance a little further, you’re just having a brief, polite conversation with someone before going on your way. That’s really it. As long as you’re not bothering people – trying to start conversations with people who’d rather not talk to anyone, for example – there really shouldn’t be any problems.

Similarly, unless your town is so small that everybody knows everyone else by sight if not by name, then odds are that the people you’re approaching will forget that you exist pretty much as soon as you leave their eye-line. Think of how many people you see during your daily commute to work and back. How many of them actually stand out in your mind, instead of being a non-descript, human shaped blur?  Trust me: people are more oblivious and self-involved than you realize. Unless you do something so significant or unusual, you’re going to return to being the background noise in their day-to-day lives.

Just remember: at this stage, all you’re doing is getting used to having brief, polite conversations with folks. This is How To Human practice, not making street approaches and trying to get phone numbers. There are times and places where that’s appropriate and the social contract allows for it. But that’s for later on. Right now, just work on being comfortable talking to folks.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Your advice vibes well with a lot of others I read and take seriously, my question is simple, but it seems complex to me. I’ll make the story as short as possible.

I have feelings for a girl I’ve known for two years. The feelings mutual. She used to date a good friend of mine. About a year ago, they broke up. It seemed like they both moved on, she was dating a new guy, he moved in with his new girl.

5 months go by, she breaks it off with her new boyfriend. She and I have a talk over text, she invites me over to her place for drinks (around midnight), I decline the offer, counteroffer with Saturday evening at my place, she accepts.

Everything seemed good to go, two nights before the date my friend calls me up tells me he’s thinking about getting back together with her. I tell him he should do what feels right, he decides he’s going to. I decide it’s best to back-out of the situation, I should have explained why but I didn’t, it was obvious she felt rejected by me, which was not my intention. A month later they’re back together, now, every time I’m over there’s this huge amount of sexual tension between her and I.

She’s flirting, engaging me in conversation, touching me, making eye contact with me to the point where we’re staring at each other you get the idea. I TRIED to friend-zone this girl even though I have feelings for her, but its not working. So my question is this, would it be appropriate for me to sit down with her, tell her how I feel, and make it clear that I have no intention of betraying my friends trust? Or should I just keep my mouth shut and keep my distance, even though it doesn’t seems to be having any effect on her, she just comes onto me harder.

Before you tell me I shouldn’t talked to her or asked her over in the first place, me and my friends have a rule about dating each others ex-girlfriends which I followed to a T.

I Wish I Didn’t Like Jesse’s Girl

DEAR I WISH I DIDN’T LIKE JESSE’S GIRL: Before I go into my answer here, I want to take a moment to highlight your last sentence. You really didn’t do anything wrong about inviting this woman over.  She was clearly interested in a booty call with you. She was single. You were single. It’s all pretty much on the up and up. The fact that she’s your friend’s ex is kind of irrelevant, to be honest. Yes, she and your friend have history but – as I’ve said many times before – you don’t get to call dibs on someone. The fact that they’ve dated doesn’t mean that he gets to decide who is or isn’t allowed to see her. If he can’t handle the idea of someone he knows seeing her – especially a year after they’ve broken up – then that’s his problem. Not yours. Not hers. You’re both grown-ass adults. You get to decide what you want to do for yourselves.

As for what’s happening between you and her now that she’s with your buddy again? Assuming that she is indeed flirting with you and you’re not misreading the situation… use your words and tell her that you’d rather she stop flirting with you while she’s with him. If you want to give her a little extra wiggle room for plausible deniability, you don’t even have to be direct about it. Just say “Hey, I don’t know if I’m just reading too much into things, but I’m kind of getting a flirty vibe from you while you’re dating my friend, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’d appreciate it if we could have a little more distance while the two of you are together.” This gives you both room to save face and address the elephant in the room.

Plus, if and when the two of them break up again, then you’ll have left things open for the two of you to bang like a screen door in a hurricane.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)