DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 26 year old bisexual lady and I have this friend (who I’ll call ‘Friend’) who I’ve been hanging out with for about a year and have gotten pretty close to. I always thought Friend was really beautiful but I had immediately filed her under “Attractive but married – look elsewhere for sexytimes”. Even though she flirts with me quite a lot, I always saw this as Friend being Friend and left it at that.
However, during our girls’ nights with one or two of our other friends she’s been talking about how she and her husband have been meaning to try a threesome. Her husband, who I’ve also spent a lot of time with is both incredibly gorgeous and is a generally awesome person.
So how the hell do I let them know I want in?
To me it seems like normal flirting might be ill-advised lest one or both of them take me as a potential usurper instead of as someone who has no interest in busting up an awesome couple and just wants to have some fun. So what do I do? Send them a resume? Raise my hand and go “Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!” next time she brings it up? Over coffee and muffins should I be like “Hey…..so about that threesome….”?
How does one broach this subject exactly?
Stuck Out of the Middle
DEAR STUCK OUT OF THE MIDDLE: One of the biggest obstacles for adventuresome couples looking for a threesome is actually finding that third, SOOtM. Most couples are looking for someone who’s a) safe and sane, b) willing to respect the rules (“play with both of us”, “certain things are off limits”, “everyone’s wearing masks and using fake names”) and c) who’s not going to present a threat to the relationship. The ideal fantasy partner most of the time is an attractive bisexual woman who’ll bang both partners and then conveniently disappear into the ether afterwards, sparing everybody the awkwardness of handling the aftermath… although most couples tend to focus on the “attractive bisexual woman” part, much to the annoyance of bi women in online dating sites. Bi women who’re down for a threesome with another couple are so rare that they’re commonly referred to as “unicorns”.
And here you are, a unicorn yourself, looking for an opportunity to show off that shiny pearlescent horn of yours to Friend and her husband. Problem solved, right?
Well… maybe. There’re a lot more to this than just waving your hand and going “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!” that needs to be sorted out before the happy squishy naked time starts.
To start with, there’s the obvious question are looking for a woman or a man. If the two of them are hoping to bring a third man in to pull a Go Team Venture, then you’re not quite what they’re going to be looking for.
Then there’s the question of just how serious Friend and Husband-o are about that threesome. There’s “meaning to have a threesome” in the sense of “Yeah, one of us wants this and the other isn’t crazy about the idea,” or “Yeah, it could be fun if all the stars come together just right but we’re not seriously pursuing the idea,” and then there’s “Yeah, we’ve been auditioning potential thirds from OKCupid and Craigslist and we just haven’t found anyone we’ve clicked with yet.” If Friend and her hubby are the former rather than the latter – more about the fantasy rather than actively pursuing it – then letting them know about your unicorn status could get a little awkward.
And then there’s the question of simple attraction. You know you’re hot as ghost-pepper chili, but Friend or Husband may not necessarily see you that way.
But as with most issues, the only way you’re going to get answers to any of these questions is to put yourself out there and find out. But as with many issues surrounding sex and friendship, if you don’t want things to get awkward, you may want to be a bit circumspect. You could be totally blunt and say “Hey, you know how you were talking about you and your husband looking to have a threesome? I will TOTALLY bang the hell out of both of you,” and perhaps they’ll appreciate the directness, but it could also end with some uncomfortable coughing and sudden changes of subject.
Instead, what you may want to do is take the indirect route of planting the seed and letting it grow on it’s own. Since you and Friend have the level of intimacy that you both feel ok with sharing aspects of your sex lives, it wouldn’t be that difficult to let slip that you’ve always wanted to try a MFF threesome. Just let it be something you share when the two of you are out having drinks – a little social lubricant (and plausible means of walking things back should things not go the way you want) that leads to a moment of “I can’t believe I’m telling you this…” that can be both coy and surprisingly enticing. By leaving out specifics (i.e. the unspoken “…with you two”) you’re giving out the idea that you’re open to this in general, planting the idea of you a potential partner in their heads and letting them think that choosing you was their idea. This way, should things not play out the way you’re hoping, everyone has the opportunity to save face and avoid the awkwardness of having the “no, they’re not really serious” or “we like you, but this could get in the way of the friendship” conversations that could result in everyone feeling embarrassed and cringey afterwards.
Plant the seed and let it grow on its own. If they decide they’re down to give it a shot, they’ll know who they should come to first.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a software engineer in research. Fair amount of people wear jeans and polos and button down shirts. Some wear khakis and button down shirts. I’ve lost 30 pounds (now 5’11 and 170 lbs) and am now able to wear tucked button down shirts. What I want to do is avoid a corporate drone look, so I’ve been wearing slim bonobo stone khakis, nicer slim fit shirts (I have a v shape torso) that are patterned. It does look sharper. Would this be considered overdressed?
Indeed with respect to jeans and polos/sport shirts, this is a nicer or “dressed up” and for those that wear khakis and solid ill fitted shirts it’s sharper. But it’s not like I’m wearing a sport coat or tie and others do wear khakis etc. Should I dress better everyday? Or should I just go with nicer jeans and button downs – more of a subtle sharp?
Damn, I do notice women do like a sharper look. I spent a fair amount of time in corduroy and untucked polos (to hide the weight). Is it normal to feel a little weird – it’s an abrupt upgrade – when you start to dress better? I hear have “confidence”. I know it looks sharp – so I should feel confident, but I feel it’s vain & not to mention attention getting. As for getting attention, oddly it is something that I wanted; now that I have it, it does feel a little uncomfortable. While most people wear $40 shirts, some of mine are $60-$80 – so this would be considered money ill spent in their minds.
My manager laughs at me when I dress sharper. My coworkers, looks me up and down as if it’s inappropriate. FYI: This is research in a large stodgy American car company.
Upping the sartorial game is influenced by boy scout mentality – always be prepared. So outside of work when I go to the mall or get gas or shopping or just go to a company event I definitely am getting looks by women – they love it (I think). On the other hand, it’s a step above the others and it at times is uncomfortable. But at the same time, I mean – really – do you really need to look sharp sitting a keyboard? Should I stay the course?
All Dressed Up
DEAR ALL DRESSED UP: There are actual, measurable benefits to dressing up sharp at work, ADU. People aren’t kidding when they say clothes maketh the man. The way you dress affects the way others see and behave towards you, the way you feel about yourself and even the way you perform at work. Studies have found that casual dress-codes may be good for worker morale, but they’re not necessarily that great for actual productivity or conduct.
I mean, look at how you’ve changed. Before you were dressing in a way to hide – your clothing was an outer expression of the dissatisfaction you felt with yourself. Now you’re dressing to stand out – your clothes are an outward expression and reinforcement of the newfound confidence you’re feeling, and you’re noticing the benefits. You feel better, people notice and pay attention… this is all to the good. These aren’t even terribly significant changes – you’re following the basic rule of “dress a little cooler than everyone else”.
The conflict you’re feeling comes from the fact that you’re trying to break the habit of years. Like I said: before you were dressing to hide yourself. The fact that you now feel some pride in your appearance is so different from before that you worry that you’re worried that it’s slipping into pure vanity. Chinos and a well-fitting button-down shirt are hardly an extravagance; it’s not like you’re rolling in dressed to work at Sterling Cooper after all. It’s just a slight step up from the people around you and that makes you stand out. It’s fine to take pride in how you look. As long as it doesn’t turn into an attitude of “I’m so much better than those slobs” or you’re not buying clothes you can’t afford, then it’s really not a problem.
Now, why are your co-workers giving you crap? To start with, some people are unnerved by change – even when it’s change for the better. We all slot people into categories and when they no longer fit our mental short-hand it can feel uncomfortable. Some may think that you’re putting on airs and implying that your better than they are – especially if they’re the tees-and-jeans crowd. Still others don’t like it when people they know improve themselves – the fact that people close to them are able to make changes and do better puts their lives and choices into stark relief and would rather pull other people down to their level than to work to improve.
Right now, there’re more benefits to the way you’re dressing than drawbacks. Unless the way you dress – and the way people respond to it – is so disruptive that it’s affecting your work and/or your relationship with these people, I wouldn’t worry about it. Given some time, people will come to accept this as the new normal for you and adjust themselves accordingly.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)