DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a woman and my male friend and I have been friends for 8 years. For a few years we had fallen into a pattern of cuddling on my or his bed, something that made me uncomfortable, because I don’t really like cuddling, and I had told him that, but he didn’t seem to take it seriously and I didn’t know how to make him take it seriously. To be honest, I began dreading him coming over to my house or vice-versa. I had also told him about me being asexual, and had made no secret of my disinterest in a romantic relationship with anyone.

I noticed he was more invested in our relationship than I was, wanting to see me more, and also that he would get into a bad mood whenever I would make an allusion to my sexual orientation. So I was not that surprised when he told me he loved me last December. Since I don’t return his feelings, we have tried to remain friends, and I have taken the occasion to stop the cuddling and other uncomfortable touching (which was not easy since he tried to convince me we could continue).

Things are really tense between us. We were staying at a hotel with two of my (female) friends, and he got upset with me because he felt I ignored him, because I was talking to my friend and didn’t answer his question immediately. His attitude really put a damper on everyone’s mood that night, and my best friend stayed awake half the night because she was trying to stop my crying. He can also get upset because I don’t follow his advice. For example when I insisted on leaving a tip at a restaurant (with MY money), he told me “I already told you you don’t have to do that!” and when I started to defend myself, he walked away, after saying that I was the one making discussion impossible.

When we are with other friends of mine he often doesn’t talk at all, to the point I was relieved when he said he wouldn’t come to an outing, because I had been worried he would make things uncomfortable. He also often complains that he’s lonely and that I’m his only friend, which makes me ill at ease, and we had an argument about how I can’t take the stress of being his only emotional comfort.

The point is, I don’t feel comfortable with him anymore, but sometimes I feel like I am being too sensitive and looking for a reason to be upset with him, because things would be easier for me if I could just stop seeing him because he had offended me, so I would be ‘in the right’. But we have been friends for a long time, and I don’t actually want to hurt him, because he seems already in a bad place… My parents have pointed out I am often upset or irritated when I’ve just seen him, and I really don’t know what to do or if our friendship is worth saving, so could you share your thoughts on my situation?

I am grateful for your help,

Upset And Confused

DEAR UPSET AND CONFUSED: Um… I hate to say this UaC but you don’t have a friend. In fact, I’d go so far as to say you haven’t had one for quite some time. For the last several years, he’s been steadily pushing at your boundaries and trying to wear you down until you finally “admit” that you have feelings for him and that your asexuality is just some passing phase. Or perhaps he just wants to prove that he’s really the magic exception to your “not interested in sex or romantic relationships” stance.

Now maybe when you first started building from “acquaintances” to “friends”, it was genuine. You were a couple of cool, fun people who had things in common and really synched on an emotional level. You had fun hanging out together, sharing stories and experiences and becoming closer and more (platonically) intimate as friends do. Maybe as he got to know you better, he realized he couldn’t quite imagine life without you and was starting to realize that those warm and fuzzy feelings he felt when he thought about you weren’t quite so much in the head and chest level but were starting to spread to his groin as well.

But I kind of doubt it. While yes, there are plenty of friendships that turn sexual, there’s realizing that you’re into your buddy and then there’s “turning into a complete asshole who, incidentally, wants to fuck you.” Unless he got bit by a raging douchebag out on the moors, the odds are that this jackasserry was always there, just waiting to surface.

It’s like the old, traditional rhyme:

Even a man who is pure in heart/ and with female friends so tight/ may become a douchebag when the Red Pill flows / and bros are drinking Natty Lite

How we got to this place, however, is ultimately irrelevant to the more important question: “what do you do about it?”

And what you need to do – to borrow a line from NerdLove celebrity patronus Dan Savage – is dump the mother already. Yes, you can dump your friends, and in this case you totally need to. This guy is so toxic, we should change his name to Iocane Powder. I mean, the fact that he makes you miserable and drains the life away from you is really all the reason you need to ditch him; life is too short to spend it with people who make you miserable (although they make it seem long as hell…) But right now you’re hemming and hawwing because you’re falling victim to a mindset that society has drilled into so many women: you’re putting his possible discomfort at being dumped over the actual misery he’s causing you.

Let’s tally things up a little, shall we? He doesn’t respect (or want to acknowledge) your sexual orientation because it conflicts with his desires to get in your pants. He pressures you into activities you find uncomfortable at best and skin-crawlingly unpleasant at worst – because your wishes conflict with his desires to have access to your body in what is – let’s be honest here – a sexually charged scenario for him. He acts like a spoiled brat when he doesn’t get his way or if you dare to give someone, anyone else your attention and makes everyone miserable in the process. You are continually looking for reasons not to spend time with him because of how upset he makes you.

Why in pluperfect hell are you still talking to this guy?

No, your friendship isn’t worth saving… because quite frankly there is no friendship here. He is not being your friend by any stretch of the imagination.

It’s a shame he’s in a bad place (and holy shit is that putting things mildly) – but that doesn’t give him free reign to completely ignore  I’m sorry that he feels lonely (actually, no I’m not…) and that he only has you. The fact that he’s lonesome doesn’t excuse him from being an asshole. Hell, I’d go so far as to say that his shitty behavior and attitude is why you’re his only friend – you’re the only person who’ll put up with him. The fact that you’re his only source of emotional support doesn’t mean that his desires trump your boundaries. He’s being an entitled little shit who doesn’t acknowledge – or even care – how his behavior is affecting you.

I get that you’re worried about him and how he’ll feel when you tell him to get lost. While that iscommendable, it’s also more consideration than he’s giving your feelings. It’ll suck for him to lose his only source of emotional support, but perhaps he should be looking inwards as to why people don’t want to spend time with him.

Quit seeing him, quit spending time with him, quit taking his calls. You’re not obligated to explain why. If you do, make it clear that this is a download, not a conversation; you’re not asking for his input, you’re telling him what he did and why you’re out.

He’s toxic and he’s using you.

Dump his ass already. You’ll be much, much happier.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A while ago, I wrote a letter to you for Ask Dr NerdLove about disclosing mental illness whilst dating. I just wanted to write back to you to thank you for your response and that your advice led to a happy ending!

Shortly after reading your response I developed the confidence to begin talking to an amazing woman online, where I disclosed about having CPTSD before our first date. Fortunately, she has been incredibly supportive and caring about it, whilst also giving her space to be able to talk about her own struggles and support each other. Long story short, ever since the first date we’ve developed an intense yet beautiful connection and are now ready to begin what is for both of us our first, serious relationship, which is something I’m incredibly grateful and excited to experience. I just wanted to say thank you dude for giving me the advice I needed, leading me to meet and fall in love with such an incredible person that back when I wrote the first letter, I would have never envisioned meeting. You’re a good dude and if I ever see you in person, I will make sure to give you a big hug to express my gratitude!

Thanks man and all the best,

Sandy Ravage

DEAR SANDY RAVAGE: That’s awesome, man! Congratulations and I’m thrilled to hear that things are going so well! Keep up the amazing progress and here’s to 2019 being an even better year for you.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I'm going to make this a bit of a short story, starting with the present, moving on to the past, and ending with some questions on how to approach my love-life's future, if you don't mind.

I'm a 32 year old web applications programmer, and I have had no real experience with love, sex, or even dating. There's optimistic phrases for people like me, such as "late bloomer," or "don't compare your life to others, just live your life and things will be fine." But, I'm real scared that I'm on my way to being Steve Carell's 40-year-old Virgin. This leads me to not talk much about my love life with friends or family, but also, I think, leads to a circular problem because by not putting myself out there as willing or available, nothing really comes my way; kind of like job hunting. Compounding it all is the fact that I do suffer from some depression and social anxiety, which makes it tough for me to get out on my own. Leading me to go out only when I have friends or family available, and typically keeps me from going to or participating in things where I might meet other singles like myself.

Now for the past: I moved from a tiny town in a very rural area--like literally it was a 2 and a half hour drive just to go to a Walmart--when I was in the middle of High School to a larger city/metro with close to 3 million people. Made it hard to make and keep close friends. No real complaints. I've lived a good life. My Senior year of High School, I was a foreign exchange student in Kyoto, Japan, and went to a college prep (and English language friendly) school affiliated with the University of Kyoto. Met some friends that I currently pen pal (email) with today. Also, in my Junior year of High School, I was in Taekwondo. You would think a 16 year old boy would be hormone filled and super open to sex, but when a 26 year old instructor came onto me when we traveled together to a tournament with an overnight stay, I freaked out and was scared. Not really something you talk with any friends about, it's just embarrassing. In college, I kinda sorta dated this girl that was in several of my classes, but, honestly, and embarrassingly, I didn't really know how to take things a step further than just hanging out every now and then, going to a few movies, dinners, coffee shops, she even invited me over and cooked dinner a few times. I knew she wanted to "officially" date and was waiting for me to do something more...I could just feel it. But, I didn't know what to do, and didn't know how to communicate my feelings. I liked her, and wanted to take it further, too, but just wasn't sure how to get past where we were. So, we graduated, she moved for a job, I moved for grad school, and that was that. We kept up a bit from a distance over the phone and email, but not much anymore; she's married now. Got a scholarship to study at Cambridge in the UK for my masters degree. School was pretty intense, and I didn't have a whole lot of time. Weirdly, there was a guy that I shared a very similar experience with that I had with my "kinda sorta girlfriend" in college. We actually kind of dated, I think. And, if I'm honest, I was attracted. And, I think it was a similar situation where we just weren't sure how to go to the next step. So, I'm not really sure, but I may be bisexual.

That's where we get to where I'm at now, and how do I move forward. I'm back where I've been since I was a Sophomore in High School. Living alone, but about a half hour drive from the parents. Working as a programmer. Having a hard time getting out on my own. And, also a little confused about my sexuality because, let's be honest, I really have no real experience at all. How to a reconcile this and move forward. At 32, even if I'm comfortable with the fact that all my friends are married or seriously dating and I am doing nothing of the sort (which, I'm not), I feel like it's time to move forward a bit. It's hard to live alone at this point and not feel a little lonely. Any advice on steps to take to just get a catalyst going toward moving out of stagnation?

Thanks, Doc!

Too-Late Bloomer

DEAR TOO-LATE BLOOMER: It's interesting that you bring up The 40 Year Old Virgin, TLB. I've got a lot of issues with that movie - ranging from a casual approval of hooking up with someone who's too drunk to consent, complete with "nope, you have her" scene, to the equating sex with maturity - but there's a point a lot of folks miss. Steve Carell's character Andy has a pretty good life. Hell, aside from his lack of relationship experience, his life is downright enviable. He's got friends who care about him, a good job and - critically - he's actually appealing to women. His biggest problem is his own anxiety over sex and women. Once he starts to get over the label of being a virgin and starts just relaxing around women (especially someone as cool as Catherine Keener) he actually does really well for himself.

There's a lesson in there. Just sayin'. 

So let's talk a little about you, shall we? Because it seems to me that you're getting hung up on the big V label and ignoring the fact that you've got a lot of things going for you. I mean, you went to good schools, you studied overseas, you practice martial arts and oh hey, YOU GOT ACCEPTED TO CAMBRIDGE. 

That's pretty goddamn impressive TLB. A lot of folks would tell you that this alone is a pretty impressive list of things that make you interesting and a potentially great partner to women.

But what about the downsides that you list? You live in the city where you went to high-school. OK and? It's a decently sized down, which means that you don't have the demographics problem that folks in small towns frequently run into. You live half an hour from your parents. And? Living in proximity to your folks is hardly a bad thing, especially if you're close with them. Hell, even living with them isn't that big of a deal - not in this economy. But you've got your own home, a good job, folks who were into you, good friends... 

Ok, maybe that 40 Year Old Virgin comparison was more apt than you realize.

Your biggest problem is your anxiety around sex,  being a virgin and your lack of experience. And while I realize you feel like you're The Last American Virgin, I promise you: you are not alone in your lack of experience. There're lots of folks who are in the same boat as you, with the same anxieties. And I'll tell you what I've told them: 90% of that anxiety is bulls

t. Whether or not you've had sex doesn't say anything about you as a person. It doesn't say anything about your worth as an individual, about your desirability, your maturity or your masculinity. It's just one experience you haven't had yet. And you will.

Now with all that having been said: in your case, some of that anxiety is earned. I mean the fact that your adult instructor hit on you when you were 16 is super-goddamn inappropriate. I realize that there's a lot of cultural bulls

t around boys being horny by definition and "wouldn't it be awesome" stories around teachers banging students but holy hopping sheep-s

t NO IT WOULDN'T. That's the definition of someone in power abusing their authority over someone. You shouldn't be embarrassed about freaking out over this, that's an entirely reasonable goddamn reaction... especially when you're travelling and have no way of getting out of their on your own. It's good that nothing actually happened, but the fact that you're treating this as a failure on your part is messing with your head.

That's my my first suggestion would be for you to talk to a counselor. Working with someone to untangle the whammy you've got on your head around sex is a good start. But so is working on any issues you may be having with depression or social anxiety. That alone is going to do a world of good for your mental health and self-esteem; the more you get that under control, the easier the rest will be.

My second suggestion would be to stop focusing on what you don't have and look at what you do have. Now I realize this seems a little flippant, but there's actually a point to it. Practicing gratitude is a key part of not just learning to be happy, but also building your sense of confidence.  Making a list of things that you're grateful for and expressing that gratitude is surprisingly powerful. It strengthens your relationships with other people, it helps change your perspective on your own life and, honestly, it makes you feel better. Recognizing that you have more going for you than you realize is a great way to help boost your sense of self-esteem and develop the courage you need to take the next step in your relationships.

Which brings me to my third suggestion. The biggest issue you're facing when it comes to your relationships is that you just need to muscle up and take a leap. If you want to take things further, then all you need to do is open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't need to be smooth or perfect. Hell, being nervous would probably increase your appeal with many women; there's a reason why "adorkable" is a thing, after all. But all it really takes is to say "hey, I like you and I'd like to take you out on an actual date." So my advice for you is to not wait for a catalyst, it's to be the catalyst you need. You are the lever you need to lift yourself out of this rut. All you need to do is commit to putting yourself out there and actually making that leap when you're with someone you like.

You don't need to make a production out of it. You don't need to tell them you have feelings for them. All you need to do is say "I'd like to take you out on a date" — preferably with a specific activity at a specific time in mind. The feelings are implied by the fact that you want to, y'know, go on a date with them.

Yeah, it can be scary. Yeah, it opens you up to the possibility of rejection. Do it anyway. Let your knees shake and your heart pound and your voice break, but do it anyway. Take chances. Explore possibilities with people you're attracted to, regardless of their gender. Let yourself make mistakes, learn from them, get back up, dust yourself off and try again.

Commit to making these changes in your life and I promise: the rest will take care of itself. 

You've got this.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know it seems like a self-explanatory question, but hear me out. I went on a date with this cool dude last week (met online), and thought it went really well. We seemed to hit it off? My anxiety comes from a few things:

1. It's the holiday season so I'm not sure how much additional busy this adds vs regular "too busy to hang out"

2. I've never been on a date with someone I'm not in a relationship with, so I have no idea what to expect afterwards

3. He doesn't seem to be the best at communicating his thoughts on emotional stuff

Soooo he says he'd like to hang out again but I keep getting "not in the next [time period] because busy" (I've only asked twice, and he was able to meet right away for the first date). But also it's holidays so... ?

We continue to send multi-message responses to each other when we have time to answer.

(Another thing I feel a little weird about: he was watching the time so he could get to bed for work the next day, but I lost track of time because I was having fun. Not sure if this is just a personality difference or what but I'm overthinking everything and it's making me anxious and I think I just need some perspective from a more experienced party thank you so much for reading this messy wall of text I love you like a sister)

Halp

-Confused First Date

DEAR CONFUSED FIRST DATE: First, let's handle the timing question. As someone who's neurotic to the point of anxiety about how much sleep he gets, having a hard limit so he can get up in the morning is entirely reasonable to me. Assuming he's being honest with you - and we should give folks the benefit of the doubt on a first date - then that's just a personality difference. Don't stress too much about this unless it comes up again.

But for judging how the date went? Well, that's where things get tricky.

Here's the fun - for suitably frustrating definitions of "fun" - part about dating: because people have this annoying tendency to be individuals, it's kind of impossible to say exactly what you should "expect" after a date. There are people who will want to go on another date right away. There're also people who will be afraid of being too eager if they do so, so they'll try to create some artificial scarcity. Some people are legitimately busy and have a hard time fitting relationships into their lives, while others are off in their own little world and rapidly running out of oxygen.

So you can't really give a one-size-fits-all answer to how to tell whether a date went well or what you should be expecting afterwards. But there is one thing I've found to be true: if someone wants to see you again, they'll let you know. Even if life gets in the way. Even if they're not necessarily the clearest and best communicator out there.

Right now, it sounds like your would-be beau is being real with you. Between all the various winter holidays, New Year's and even a little of the weirdness that comes with dating around Valentine's Day... yeah, it gets hard to find time to breathe never mind date. So here's my suggestion. You know he's busy for the next [time period]. Find out when said period ends, then make plans for the following weekend. Name a specific activity on a specific day and time. "Hey, I saw there's $COOL_THING happening on $THIS_DATE and I'd love to go to that with you. How does that sound?"  People are more likely to say yes to a specific time and activity than they are to "go out some time next week". Specificity helps because he's now able to check his schedule and - if he's free - keep that day clear for the two of you. It's easier to say "I can't do X on Saturday" if he has a date planned. If it's more nebulous, it's easier for life to seep in and steal his availability.

But if he can't make it? Then see how he responds. Does he say "Ok, I can't on Saturday, but I've got Wednesday free. How does that work?" Or does he give a "I can't, I'm gonna be busy that day" with no alternate suggestions? If it's the former... well, that's a pretty good sign that he wants to see you again. If it's the latter, then either he's not interested, or he can't be bothered with taking the initiative. And in that case, you have to decide whether you want to keep trying, or if you want to be the person who's going to have to do all the planning. 

And as a general rule of thumb: one "I can't, I'm busy" is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action. Wait, that came out wrong. Three times is a message. And that message is "I'm not interested." 

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve always found myself terrible when it comes to dating, I went through school without ever being in a serious relationship and watching all my friends sort of meet their partners along the way. At age 20 I went to university and started to get a little worried about not meeting anyone who I truly clicked with and them BAM, when I came home for my first year I met someone on Tinder who seemed to tick every box, after going on several dates I asked her out and she said yes.

Sounds wonderful I guess, but then she herself went off to university too, and her course seems to be a lot more time consuming than mine, so spending time with her has become difficult due to her always being busy. Me and her have been working long distance, but I’m finding it’s being much harder than I anticipated, but I genuinely do enjoy spending time with her when I actually get to, albeit as little as it is.

I presume it sounds like your standard long-distance complaint at this point, but it since I started my second year of university I’ve found another girl who has started to display a lot of signs of affection towards me, despite me having mentioned my current relationship to her before. Me and her seem to get along very well, but I still find myself feeling slightly worried when I talk to her, particularly if we’re alone or anything. Recently I’ve found myself torn between these two, unsure whether I just happened to jump at the first opportunity I had for a relationship. I’m not going to sugarcoat it now: being long distance is a lot of work, which has got me thinking that maybe I’m just enjoying being coveted by a woman who lives much more locally for once. But I find myself unsure of what to do in this situation. I don’t want to be some kind of two-timer or cheat on my girlfriend, but I honestly do find myself enjoying spending time with both women in question, the only difference being one lives hours away and I never see and one I see much more regularly and lives closer, or maybe this is just me being tempted by someone else because I’m in a long distance relationship and want someone closer? PLEASE HELP?

Emotionally Confuzzled

DEAR EMOTIONALLY CONFUZZLED: What’s going on is pretty simple: you’re a human. You’ve got an attractive person right there with you, giving you attention. That’s going to make you feel pretty damn good. It flatters your ego, it revs up your sex drive and you’re starting to think about whether it’s better to go with the bird in the hand or go diving back into the bush.

Wait, that came out wrong. Anyway.

Regardless of any underlying relationship issues you may have or any intention of actually acting on those issues, a pretty woman giving you attention and valuing you company is going to trigger a psychological phenomena known as The Reward Theory of Attraction. She makes you feel good and therefor you’re going to instinctively prioritize your relationship with her. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is fairly distant and you only get to see her rarely. That and the natural difficulties that come with a long-distance relationship mean that the benefits of your relationship with her aren’t necessarily outweighing the drawbacks.

Now, don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that your relationship with with your girlfriend isn’t as valuable or valid or worth it as the one you currently have with your friend. It just means that right now, it’s completely understandable that one is more tempting than the other. That’s just part of the human experience.

So what do you do about this? Well… frankly, you’re going to have to make that decision yourself. Does the distance and the inconvenience of a long-distance relationship outweigh the time you DO spend with your girlfriend? It’s ok if it is; maintaining a long-distance relationship is difficult, especially when your schedules mean that you rarely get to talk or see each other. Breaking up because the distance was an insurmountable is very understandable. The fact that you’re already interested in somebody who’s close at hand doesn’t make you the bad guy either; it just means that this made you realize that the distance and inconvenience bothered you more than you realized it would.

At the same time, there’s no guarantees that a relationship with the woman at your university is going to do any better. Right now, she’s new and shiny and there’s the thrill of novelty and what the poly community calls New Relationship Energy. That glow can disguise or cause people to overlook relationship deal-breakers that would otherwise disqualify this woman from your dating pool. Or it’s possible that this relationship simply won’t work out in the long term for whatever reason. You have no real way of knowing, except by rolling the dice.

The only thing I will say is that if you’re exclusive with your girlfriend – and I mean that you’ve actually stated this instead of just letting be unsaid – that you end things with her before starting anything up with the other woman. Similarly, if you’re going to stay with your girlfriend, let your other friend know this is why you’re dialing things back.

Ending either relationship doesn’t say anything about you as a person or about the success or failure of your relationship with that person. The fact that you didn’t die in the saddle (as it were) doesn’t mean that your relationship with your girlfriend was a failure. After all, every relationship you’re in will end, until one doesn’t. If you’re able to be cordial, if not friends with them afterwards and look back on your time with them fondly, then that relationship wasn’t a failure; it just means that it came to its natural conclusion.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently a senior in college, and I’m spending the next year studying abroad in a rural area in Japan. The thing is, that I’m 23 now and until this year I’ve never had any kind of intimacy with a woman, and I really feel it’s holding me back daily. This last year I have made leaps and bounds in making progress and being more forward about my interest instead of playing the “nice” guy friend that hides his intentions. Even when I’m busy I see around me constantly couples and it kind of burns me out. I am my own person, and do things, and I can make friends easily, but I can’t become anything more ever. The intimacy I speak of is just maybe a kiss, if that, and then I don’t hear from them again. I just can’t get girls to stick around and it really makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

The culture is also a bit of a stepping stone, as I’m a black male here and there is kind of a bad stereotype about us here, and so I feel like I have to strive to be nicer to get people to trust me, and then I end up not being interesting. It is so hard to find the middle ground, because as much as my friends say don’t worry about it, it’s very much a real thing here when meeting people in an outside social group. On another note, since the culture is different should I conform to it, is the question I ask myself daily, because it’s simply the opposite than American culture, as they have a strong “inside” vs. “outside” mentality, and it makes this problem already a bit more difficult to handle.

This makes me cut off people extremely quick, much more than I used to do, so I run out of friends/romantic interests. I used to wish I didn’t have feelings and life would be so much easier, but I know that’s not an option so I’m just trying to find a way to deal with feelings that should be natural, but I can’t fulfill them. I know there is no reason not for me to be able to reach these goals, but I just have no idea about what I’m doing, just what I feel.

Is there any advice you might have for me, Doc? I’m not blaming anyone but myself on this, but just getting to a better place instead of remaining in the same old area is my foremost objective. I want to be more fulfilled in my life and really enjoy my experience here rather than feeling like I’m in the wrong place.

-I’m So Annoyingly Messed Up

DEAR I’M SO ANNOYINGLY MESSED UP: There’re a few questions buried in here, ISAMU. Let’s roll it from the top, ok?

To start with: you’re socially inexperienced and – reading between some fairly obvious lines – a virgin. That’s not a big deal unless you make it one. I totally get that you’re feeling left behind and looking at the happy couples around you with envy, but it’s that feeling that you need to catch up is going to trip you up. When you’re focused on this one part of yourself like a laser, you’re going to tense up and that’s going to make it harder to do anything else successfully. Think of it like playing video games; there’s that one spot you can’t get past and the more that you focus on your frustration, the worse you end up doing. Then, when you take a break, do something else and come back to it later when you’re refreshed, you blow straight past it like it’s nothing.

That’s what’s going on with you right now. You’re trying to get past this one area and it’s frustrating you so much that you’re starting to slip up on things that you know you can handle. So take a deep breath, relax and just… be. Don’t try to get a girlfriend or experience. Just live your life in such a way that it lets you be the cool, fun and interesting person you know you can be. You’ll have your opportunities to date, kiss, screw and everything else and it will all come much more easily when you stop focusing on what you don’t have and enjoy what you do.

I mean, come on! You’re studying abroad in Japan! How freaking cool is that? You’re going to have all sorts of experiences and adventures on that trip that’ll lead to some awesome stories later. Hell, I missed my chance to do that in college (ironically, because I had a girlfriend… and I really shouldn’t have) so I’m jealous of you right now.

Now straight talk: being a foreigner in a very socially homogenous culture like Japan means you’re going to stand out like a sore thumb and some people are going to treat you like an oddity. This doubly and triply so as an African-American in a rural area. And in fairness: Japan’s got issues when it comes to racial stereotypes, especially when it comes to black people, and (again) when you get outside of the large metropolitan areas, you may well be the first black person some of them will ever have seen outside of TV or movies. That’s going to lead to some seriously uncomfortable moments at times and I can imagine that there will be times you’re going to feel the need to slap on a grin and pretend that it doesn’t bother you nearly as much as it really does.

(And in fairness: having to pretend to not be bothered is going to REALLY grate on your nerves, and for good reason. All the more reason to find friends who are going to treat you like a person and not a stereotype.)

But at the same time: being nice to others isn’t the same as being boring. You don’t have to present a bland version of yourself to fit in or be accepted; it just means being patient and understanding. You can be a pleasant person without being passive or a milquetoast or pretending that you don’t have a personality. Adapting to the local culture as best you can is one of the best ways to do this; making the effort not only shows respect, but doing so will make others feel more comfortable in your company. I suspect that being quick to cut people off means you’re cutting people out of your life who might otherwise be pretty damn cool once they get the chance to know you and vice versa. Yes, there’s going to be adjustments and there’s going to be people who deserve to be cut off… but not everyone does. Learning to tell the difference is an important part of building your social calibration.

But more than anything else, you need to relax. You’re in the middle of what can be an awesome adventure if you give it half a chance. If you’re caught up in whether or not you have had – or are going to find – a relationship, you’re going to miss out on so damn much. Let things be and just focus on enjoying everything that your situation has to offer. Enjoy getting to experience another culture in such an intimate, immersive way. Embrace the culture, explore the area and take full advantage of being a college student abroad. Right now you want to collect experiences and stories and just be your natural awesome self. That will serve you far better – and make you a more interesting, attractive person – in the long run. And that will help you find the intimacy and relationships that you’re longing for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)