DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How do I get out of the friend zone, but, like, in the opposite direction that most people are interested in? How do I stop having a crush without going nuclear (especially in a situation where “going nuclear” would seem to imply finding a different job or asking to be scheduled every shift my crush does not have, which seems fairly extreme)?

Okay, so, I work with a girl and am recovering from a serious case of Oneitis regarding her: Great person. Good friend. Positively loves hanging out with me outside of work. Most of the time, I love hanging out with her too. However, no matter how much I tell myself we aren’t going to work as a couple, I’m apparently not quite prepared to see her with anyone else. She brought a date to our coworkers’ wedding recently, and seemed to be way closer than anticipated with her childhood friend who was allegedly her date mainly to keep her ex from creeping on her. I mean, there were kisses on the lips and hands on the butt between these two, which, in a perfect world, I would accept have nothing to do with me, but which were very painful to watch in the moment.

I mean, barring something drastic like finding a new job, I still have to work with this person, and I do honestly want to be her friend, not one of the many guys out there who “accepts” a woman’s offer of friendship while still pretending there’s a chance they’ll bone if they just solve a certain riddle correctly or whatever, but I don’t quite know how to do that, other than the supremely unpleasant experience of giving it time and hanging out with my crush as she dates people other than me until that pain eventually dies down. Is there a less painful way to go about this, in your experience?

So, what’s the least bad approach to trying to find an honest-to-God friendship where a self destructive crush used to live?

Sincerely, 

Lets Just Be Friends

DEAR LETS JUST BE FRIENDS: t’s good that you want to genuinely be friends, TFZNB, but I’m not gonna lie: you’re basically going to have to either find some separation or deal with the issue of seeing her with someone else.

The key to getting over a crush – or handling any inconvenient emotions, for that matter – is that the last thing you want to do is try to force yourself to not feel something. Trying to force an emotion like limerence into a teeny little box and pretend it doesn’t exist doesn’t work. All you’ve done is shoved everything into a can marked “contents under pressure” and poked a teeny hole in it. At some point those feelings are going to make themselves known, messily and all over the place.

At the same time, you don’t want to try to, say, force yourself to notice her flaws or convince yourself that she ain’t s

t. Not only does that not work unless you already hold her in contempt, but the opposite of a crush isn’t disgust, it’s indifference. All trying to convince yourself that she’s not worth it does is make you angry and upset. So forget that angle too.

Part of the way you handle it without pretending it doesn’t exist or without drowning yourself in the pathos of “WHHHYYYYY WON’T SHE LOVE MEEEEEEEE” is to just… accept it. When you feel those feels come bubbling up, note them, name them and then let them be. Just tell yourself something along the lines of “Welp, there’s my annoying crush on ol Wotzsername (Of the Connecticut Wotzernames)” and then go about your business. “Yup, guess I’m still feeling a bit jealous. Oh well.”

Don’t try to distract yourself, don’t try to pretend it’s not there. Just note it, name it and move on. You’d be amazed at how quickly this can dispel the all-attention-demanding power of a crush… or the pain that comes with unrequited love.

But the other thing you’re going to need is a little distance, for your own emotional self-protection. It’s good that you legitimately want to be friends with her and wish her all the best, but that doesn’t also mean that you need to have “the best” all up in your eyeballs every day. Watching her make out with her new beau – or anyone, really – in the name of “well I have to get over her” is just emotional self-flagellation for no good reason. Now unless she’s bringing her date to work with her, you should be OK. But it may well be worth your time to mute her on social media for a while if she’s in the “schmoopy” stage while you take the time to get over her. You don’t have to completely unfriend her, but making sure that you aren’t having pictures of her sucking face with someone being streamed into your timeline is a good thing. And if circumstances arise that you do have to spend time with her and her squeeze? It’s ok to find reasons to be looking elsewhere (or be elsewhere) if they happen to get affectionate. Hey, look the game’s on that TV on the other side of the room. Hey, what’s going on on Twitter why look #submarining1 is trending I wonder what that’s about.

But whether it’s just your feels in general or being around her in particular… don’t make a production about it. Note it, name it, and just carry on as normal.

And one more thing to keep in mind: date. Seriously. I know there’s a lot of “get over someone by getting under someone else” out there and there is some value to that… but it has far more to do with realizing that there are other women out there who are just as amazing than just “well, I’m going to plow my feelings into plowing someone else.” The more you can get into the abundance mindset, the easier it is to take the sting out of knowing that your crush – your fleeting, ephemeral crush – isn’t returned.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Longtime reader and huge fan of your work. Thank you for everything.

I am 25 years old, never been in a relationship, living at home, working part time and struggling to stay sane. My younger brother works as an engineer and is doing well and successful with his job. My problem is that he won’t let up criticizing me on everything I do. Not only with my life but also just day to day things. My taste in movies, music, my friends, opinions, how I drive, cleanliness and anything you can imagine. He lives 2 hours away but now comes and stays here every weekend. Its ends up being 3 soul crushing days for me.

The week isn’t much easier. My father lost his job a few years back and verbally takes it out on my mom. He calls her names and blames her for everything. My brother then comes on the weekend and criticizes us on everything. I support her as much I can, but my mom doesn’t deserve this kind of emotional abuse.

I have tried to assert myself calmly but it only ends with him escalating or on very few occasions even turning violent with me to regain control of the situation. I’m starting out as an actor and being around him has started to affect my work with my not being able to practice or land roles. My work to him is a joke and when I told him I wanted to pursue acting, he flat out told me “You’ll never have any success”. My father loves this and sometimes even joins in.

The worst part is I became addicted to porn. It was a crutch and has gotten worse as my life just feels uncontrollable sometimes. Its not my brother or father’s fault, being around them hasn’t made it any easier though.

I had a lot of the problems you write about while growing up such as; social awkwardness, creepy behaviors and trouble landing dates in general. But I work on it relentlessly and have made a ton of progress compared to where I was 4 years ago when I started. I got to counseling and support groups. That too is something my brother can’t stand about me and he constantly takes any opportunity to call me ‘gay’ in a deragatory way for not being sexually aggressive and ogling women at every chance I get. He does this in front of my other family members and they almost believe it from what I see. (Nothing against the LGBT community by the way, everyone deserves to be happy with whoever they love)

I like to think I have something good to give this world. But on Sundays when my brother finally leaves I feel worthless. Like I can’t do anything right and haven’t learned any skills over the years. I feel so alone where I am. I’m saving up to move out but it hasn’t been an easy journey and my addiction has started to drain my savings. I’m not a bad guy, and I want to be happy, where do I go from here?

Best,

Trying to Make it

DEAR TRYING TO MAKE IT: I am so sorry you’re going through this TTMI. Family is supposed to be a refuge against the world, a place of safety and comfort. Unfortunately, all too often, it can be what you need refuge from.

Ultimately, you know what you need to do: you need to get the hell out of there. Sooner, rather than later, before your brother and your father achieve their ultimate goal of crushing the hope out of you so that you’re as miserable as they are. The fact that your brother has had his achievements doesn’t necessarily mean that he values them – not as anything other than a stick to beat people with. It sounds like they’ve been corroded by bitterness, envy and hate and now you and your mother are the safest targets they can find.

So what you need to do is bend your not-inconsiderable will and inner strength to that goal. Which means that the first thing that needs to happen is that you need to cut out the porn.

Here’s the thing about your porn addiction. The problem ain’t the porn. You’re self-medicating, using what you can to get through the misery of what you’re going through. Porn just happens to be your drug of choice. It could just as easily be booze, weed, sex, shopping or anything else that makes you feel just a smidgen of control, a hint of a time when everything isn’t a giant industrial vat of suck.

I also suspect that there’s an element of self-sabotage in there too; you buy into your brother and father’s “this is why you suck” and don’t believe you deserve happiness or success and so you cut yourself off from your own escape.

But right now you can’t afford the luxury of an addiction, not if you’re going to get out like you need to. So porn, especially paid porn, has to go. Tell yourself that it’s just for now; as soon as you’re out of there, you can go on a porn binge the likes of which the world has never seen. You will pay all the money to your favorite camgirl or buy the Caligula Would Blush level membership at PornHub… just as soon as you’re in your own place. Remind yourself of how good it’ll feel to masturbate in a place where your brother can’t go.

All the money you’d spend on porn, all the money you’re not spending on immediate needs – has to go to a “get the f

k out” fund. In fact, it’s probably best if your GTFO fund is a savings account, one that you can’t just dip into at will, to help cut down on the “Well just this once,” indulgences that drain your bank account.

Of course, none of this is going to help if you let your  self-esteem get ground into dust while you’re making your escape plan. So, like any prisoner about to break out, you need to keep your head down and not make waves. Your brother clearly needs to be in control and wants you to submit. This is part of why he gets violent; he wants you to give in and will try to force you to if he has to. But you can give the appearance of docility while holding onto the core of your ideals. You can roll with the emotional punches and take the sting out of them  – “you’re right, I’ll never succeed. I’m probably a f

got, oh well,” in such  a way that it takes the satisfaction out of his abuse while still protecting yourself. Call it passive-aggressive resistance. It’s like punching mud; when your blows just… sink in, it absorbs energy but disperses the impact and leaves you exhausted from the effort.

While this is going on, you need to surround yourself with Team You – your friends and family by choice if not by blood. These are the people who have your back, who love you and support you and can help you remember to hope. They’re going to be your lifeline while you finish gathering your resources for your eventual escape. And if some of them can let you couch-surf with them or hook you up with people who you can stay with, so much the better. That’ll get you out of the house that much sooner and you’ll be further on your path to both escape and recovery.

And once you’re out? Stay out. You have the right to set your boundaries wherever you damn well choose and if those boundaries means your asshole brother doesn’t get to be part of your life, then by God so be it. You don’t have to see him ever again if you don’t want. You can set up your own plans to see your mother and the rest of your family can go f

k themselves.

And who knows. Maybe your getting out will be the sign to your mom that she needs to GTFO too. Because neither of you deserve the abuse that’s being heaped on you.

But like they say on airlines: make sure your own oxygen mask is secure before helping others with theirs. You can’t help her until you’re safe and secure. So trade your porn consumption for the future you need. Find things that will satisfy your soul and give you solace instead while you bend your very being to getting out and making a better life for yourself. Because that life is out there. It’s within reach. You just need to stay strong and hold on to hope. You’ll get there, man. You’re going to be ok.

Be sure to write back, so we know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First, let me say that I love reading your articles.  Your down-to-earth, no-nonsense approach to dating advice is refreshing, and while I’ve not applied a lick of it because college work takes up nearly all of my time right now (silly engineering school), I am looking forward to a day when I can get myself into dating and find somebody to spend my life with.

That being said, love is a fickle mistress, and she’s not too happy with being put on the back burner for so long.  Settle in for a couple paragraphs of back story, because this is more involved than a Spanish soap opera.

So, I’m in sort of my fifth year of college, because I had a bit of a mental break and had to take a year off.  Now I’m back for a quarter to finish my degree, and I get to catch up with my fraternity and what I’ve missed for the time I was gone.  Turns out, in that time, two of my brothers have come out as trans women.  We’re all supportive of them, let em know that they’re still our “brothers” (as it were) and we’ll love ’em no matter what.  So that’s all fine and good.  One of them happens to be one of my best friends, so I get to have a crash course in understanding and accepting what it means to be trans (Christian upbringing, it’s never come up).

Time goes on, and my feelings kinda change.  As she (the one who is among my best friends) continues to transition and presents more and more as female, I have my initial connection of “we like the same things and talking with you is awesome and you’re an amazing person” merging with “you know, you’re actually kinda cute, and the fact that you’ve transitioned has flipped the binary ‘is this person a possible mate?’ switch in my brain” and after some incubation time I’m head-over-heels (that phrase is so strange).

So here I am in love with my trans femme fraternity brother… partner… something. Terminology gets weird here. Anyway, this throws me for a loop, and I start questioning my sexuality, my own gender, etc. etc. etc. and eventually come full circle to “this just is what it is.”  So, somewhere along here (actually before the questioning starts) I tell her pretty directly that I’m romantically attracted to her.  We had a rather long talk one night that mostly consisted of me being all “I’m pretty sure I’m accidentally in love with you” and her responding “well, I can’t say I feel the same way, and I’m only into girls, so…” That’s possibly what sprang my gender-search thing.  I’m not actually sure yet if it’s more something real or something of me wanting to adapt so that I can be with her.

Now then, let’s add another layer of “forget this whole situation” – SHE has a thing for the OTHER trans woman in the fraternity, and they are still kinda feeling out where they are with that.

Take all this and combine in that I have no damn idea how to handle this, and I end up making a scene on a regular basis with my frustrations and taking them out on punching walls and such when I think nobody is looking, and go through regular cycles of ending up in this painful ‘catch 22’ state of mind, and unfairly expecting people to understand and somehow comfort me.  I’ve told a lot of my brothers about this, and they want to be helpful and supportive and crap, but they have no more clue than I do.

So, here I am writing this letter.  What do you think would be a “good” course of action?  A big part of me wants a relationship, and another big part of me doesn’t wanna lose one of my best friends, and yet another big part just can’t take the pain of being so-close-yet-so-far all the time.

Signed,

Really Confused

DEAR REALLY CONFUSED: OK RC, I can see how this would be confusing to you, especially since you’ve never really known anyone who was trans.

All of these major changes to your status quo came in rapid succession, so I can completely understand how all of this can throw you for something of a loop.

But one of the things that it’s worth remembering is that sexuality isn’t binary; in fact, it’s pretty damn complicated; somewhere between a sliding scale and a four-axis graph.

For example: there’s the whole idea of the Kinsey scale with strict heterosexual attraction on one side and strict homosexual attraction on the other and a wide, wide range in between. There’s also the fact that sometimes people will have that one person who flips their switch, despite the fact that this person isn’t the type or gender that they’re normally attracted to.  You may be as straight as the day is long, but there’s just something about Ewan McGregor that gives you sweaty dreams at night. Or you may be gay, but there’s that one woman who stirs up interest when no other woman does. Call it single-target sexuality: it’s not about their gender or your orientation, it’s just something about THEM, specifically. It happens to folks more often than you’d suspect and it makes ’em all go “Woah, what the hell?”

There’s also the fact that gender, like sexuality, tends to be more of a spectrum than a binary. Some folks are more fluid or gender-non-conforming, some folks are trans, some are intersex. If it’s not something that you’ve encountered before, it can seem a little disconcerting at first. Particularly if you meet someone who makes you question your assumptions about yourself and your sexuality.

But honestly, in your case I suspect it’s pretty simple. You and your best friend have always had chemistry – otherwise you wouldn’t be best friends – and affection for one another. It’s just the nature of that affection has changed because your perception of her has changed. But when you get right down to it, she’s the same person you’ve known all this time. It’s not that she’s suddenly changed into a woman; she’s always been a woman and now she’s finally able to make her exterior match who she is inside.

That’s why your switch got flipped. Before, while she was presenting as male, you accepted her as male and weren’t attracted to her. Now that she’s transitioning and she’s finally becoming her authentic self, you’re seeing her with new eyes. In a way, it’s almost like you’re being introduced to someone new and familiar at the same time.

That chemistry and affection is still there in the mix and  now that you see her as a woman – the one she’s always been inside – you’re responding to that.

So yeah, RC: you’re still straight. No question there. You’re attracted to women. Your friend’s a woman. You’re just starting to realize that your definition of “woman” is a little wider than you previously realized.

So what should you do?

Well, that’s going to be the part you aren’t going to like.

Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is, frankly, learn to let go of your romantic feelings for her. She may be living her truth after finally coming out as trans… but that truth also includes the fact that she’s a lesbian and that’s not going to change any time soon.

(And to forestall the obvious comments: no, she wasn’t a straight dude who became a woman. She was always a queer woman; she just was assigned male at birth. Her sexuality didn’t change, she’s just finally able to confirm her gender.)

Add to the fact that she’s currently exploring a relationship – possibly even one that’s been building for years – and well… I sympathize with you, but you’ve fallen in love with someone who just isn’t going to love you back. Not in the way that you hope she will, in any case. It would be exactly the same if she were a cisgendered lesbian rather than a trans one.

You’re frustrated and angry, which is understandable. I mean, being stuck in a situation where someone you love doesn’t love you back sucks. But the way you’re dealing with that frustration is self-destructive at best and kind of terrifying to people around you at worst. No amount of lashing out is going to change the facts on the ground, but it WILL guarantee that you’ll lose your friendship and push people away from you.

If you don’t want to lose your friendship, you’re going to have to learn how to channel and re-direct those frustrations NOW, so that you don’t lash out at HER. Punching walls has a nasty tendency to start turning into punching people and destroying property in anger is a GET THE HELL OUT SO FAST YOU LEAVE A HUMAN SMOKE CLOUD BEHIND signal to others.

And honestly, even if we could guarantee that you’d stick to hitting things that you’re allowed to hit — literal punching bags, say — bouts of rage that end up with hitting things aren’t productive. Expressing anger and frustration like that tends to make you even MORE angry and frustrated. You’re just reinforcing an already ugly cycle.

Instead, you might want to consider exercise as a way of venting the angry energy that comes from that pain; throwing that frustration into running or weight training is going to be a hell of a lot healthier all around, and the physical exertion is a great way of turning your brain off for a while. Getting lost in the physicality of your own body and letting the exhaustion sap away your ability to think about anything other than getting a shower and collapsing is a great way of not constantly dwelling on your broken heart.

You may also want to talk to a counselor while you’re still in school. Getting some professional advice on how to handle your anger in a productive way will go a long way to making your life better over all.

The other thing you’re going to want to do is to get some distance. After all, if being around her hurts you (and, I want to stress, it’s a natural, even understandable, to feel this way… provided you recognize that being angry at her isn’t going to help you) then the best thing to do is step away for a little while until you’re better able to handle things. Let her know exactly what you’re doing and why: that you care about your friendship, but you’re not going to be able to be a good friend to her while you’re still wrestling with these feelings for her. So you need to pull back a little bit until you’ve got a handle on things. Make sure she understands that this isn’t anything she’s done; this is strictly about you and your feelings and you’re planning on being back some day.

And then… you get some space. You don’t have to go full nuclear option on her, but you should dial things back considerably. After all, it’s hard to get some distance and let things fade when you’re constantly checking her Facebook and Twitter statuses and Instagram uploads. It’s ok to send out a ping every now and then – an email, say – so she knows that you’re still around and that you’re still friends – but don’t let this be a way of poking at the wound… and trust me, you’re going to want to poke at it. You’ll convince yourself that you’re just checking to see if things are healed yet, but what you’re actually doing is trying to keep it open because you’re still holding onto hope that maybe she’s not interested in her partner anymore and maybe she’s interested in men now and perhaps now’s your chance. And all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to see she’s with somebody – maybe the same person, maybe not, maybe something serious, but maybe not – somebody who is not you and it’s going to rip your heart out and stomp it on the ground. And you’re going to be back at square one again.

There’s no timeline on when you’ll be over her, and you shouldn’t try to force yourself into one. Artificial deadlines only encourage you to make bad decisions and to decide that you’re more over her than you actually are, and that’s a recipe for heartbreak. You’ll know when you’re ready to bring her fully back into your life when you realize that you can see her with somebody else and it doesn’t hit you like a hammer to the chest and leave you unable to breathe. And then you’ll realize that the fact that she loves you as a friend is far more important than the fact that she doesn’t see you as a lover… and you can pick up where you both left off.

And – as hard as this is going to be while you’re trying to get over her – you’re going to want to date. Not anything serious – the last thing you want to do is let somebody else be your substitute for her; that’s unfair to both of you – but enough to remember that there are lots of other amazing women out there, women who want what you have to offer. And who knows: you may find someone else who you have equally serious chemistry with, who digs you and everything about you… and you’ll be dying to introduce her to your best friend because it’s important that she meet the other amazing people in your life.

I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna suck. But in the end, it’ll be OK. You’ll be OK. And you’ll have preserved your friendship.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a video game developer and have been married for over 5 years now. I met my wife when I was in college and, while we have always had a great relationship, I feel we’re very out of sync sexually. I was a virgin when we met, so I started with a lack of experience. Over the years our sexual activity has sort of been painted in to a corner. To explain it in several points:

– We both want the other to be more dominant. I’m driven to please her, but what she wants is for me to tell her what I want, which is for her to tell me what she wants, which is for me to tell her what I want… endless loop. I have tried to be more dominant, but I don’t feel like myself in those moments. It’s also difficult for me to compartmentalize that sort of behavior, and so outside of the bedroom I feel regret for treating my wife disrespectfully. I’m afraid this will only become worse if I take that role farther.

– When I’m aroused the speech center of my brain literally shuts down. She wants me to talk more during the act. I have really tried to improve at this but, while I disparately try to form words, nothing comes out.

– I often try to lead in to sex with a sensual massage, but when all she wants is a massage I feel like a rejected pervert at the end. Sometimes she’ll offer a hand job out of pity, but this feels like I’ve been rejected and inconvenienced her. Because I know that there’s a decent chance I’ll be rejected it makes me not want to be affectionate like this at all.

And so, while we have a very fun and loving relationship, our sex has shut down in a weird stalemate. I’ve tried bringing up the topic, but she sees it as a problem with her not being interested at that moment, rather than a broader problem that’s been getting worse. We’ve tried mixing things up with porn or games or toys, but these added a layer of complication that didn’t work quite right the first time out. I’m willing to retry things and improve, but often she’s very averse to giving things a second chance.

But I’m not trying to put the blame on her. I grew up very socially-awkward and so I’ve often lacked the skills I need to interact with humans, especially those I care about most. I’m out of ideas and I hope you can provide a new perspective to help me think about what I can do to improve the situation. Thanks for your time.

- Probably Overthinking Things

DEAR PROBABLY OVERTHINKING THINGS: You’ve got a couple of issues here but they’re all stemming from the same place: you’re not really communicating and you’re trying to let the sex just happen.

It’s understandable; we’re all taught that sex is supposed to be as spontaneous and improvisational as possible and trying to plan it out is a crime against passion and romance. When we think about trying to schedule sex, we tend to assume this is going to make it feel rote and mechanical; if you have to schedule times to have sex, then that means that you just aren’t as attracted to your partner as when the mood magically strikes out of the clear blue sky and you just have to bang out right then and there.

The problem with this belief is that not only does it make it pretty damn difficult to actually work out issues like “who’s going to dominate whom”, but you’re also causing yourselves a ton of stress when the sex just doesn’t happen… you’re not in the mood or she’s not, your schedules are conflicting, what-have-you.

As a result, there’s not a lot of sexing going on and a lot of frustration and despair happening instead.

So here’s what you need to do:

You need to work all of this out in advance. Now, to emphasize what I said earlier: I realize this seems like the antithesis of a happy sex-life but stick with me.

You’re a programmer who works in video game development; you should be familiar with the value of pre-production and production scheduling. You don’t just start building a game with no idea of where you’re going or what milestones you need to hit by when.

The same thinking applies to sex, especially sex in a long-term relationship.

To start with, the two of you need to sit down at a time when sex is absolutely NOT going to happen and talk about how you’re feeling about your sex life, what exactly it is that the two of you want and how you can satisfy your needs.

This is one of those times when you need to be careful about how you phrase things, especially to avoid making your wife feel as though it’s all her fault and putting her immediately on the defensive; you want to use a lot of “I feel” and “I would like” statements to emphasize where you’re coming from without being accusatory.

You want to keep this at a time when sex isn’t going to be an issue because it can be difficult to have a conversation about sexual issues when you’re trying to actually bang out. Plus, as you said: if you have a problem maintaining an erection and speaking coherently at the same time, you don’t want to mumble and stumble your way through trying to explain what your needs are and why this issue has been upsetting you.

It’s important that you two take turns here. You will want to take this in stages. First, you explain why this is something you need to talk about with her and what it is that you worry will happen by bringing it up (such as her judging you or feeling upset by your explaining why you’re unsatisfied). Then you explain what your needs are and why you feel that they aren’t getting met.

Next, you explain what it is that you need, how you would like to see things work out and how things would improve if you both did this.

And then, once you’ve said your peace, you then say: “…and what about you?” Then let her share her side of things. Be sure to give her the same attention and courtesy that she gives you. Don’t interrupt, don’t interject to “clarify” things, even if you feel that they’re factually wrong. Let her talk about how she feels and then, once she’s finished, ask questions and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Then and only then will you two be ready to start finding the compromises and work-arounds to get your sex life to the place where you want it to be.

And here are some thoughts on just how you can compromise and both of you meet your needs.

You both want the other to take more of a dominant role during sex… fine. You both can. You just have to alternate who’s going to be in charge. Even days, you’re the dom, odd days, she’s the dom, you get the first half of the week, she gets the second, whatever. Figure out a schedule that works for you both and just switch the roles. Even if one of you isn’t necessarily getting what he or she wants that time, the anticipation of what you’re going to do (or be on the receiving end of) next time can be intoxicating.

If you’re worried about not being able to separate being more dominant during sex with your daily lives together, add another layer to it that’s the signal that this is when you’re supposed to be “in charge”. It could be something as simple as a costume piece or background music, but it should be something that isn’t part of your day to day experience. As long as she’s wearing the pearls and the apron and nothing else, you are now the surly husband who’s going to get what he wants from his wife OR ELSE. When the pearls and apron (or what-have-you) are gone… life goes back to normal.

Similarly, she wants you to talk more during sex? Plan it out. Write out a scenario, memorize it, start going through it during sex. Can’t decide what to say? Didn’t have something planned out in time? Keep it simple and obvious: tell her what you’re about to do, tell her what you’re doing and tell her what you did. Short and simple: “Tell me you like it”. “Give me that $BODY_PART” “I’m going to $SEX_ACT you until you scream.” She’s not expecting Oscar Wilde or Thoreau levels of discourse and poetry while you’re having sex. She just wants some passion and intensity.

Now here’s for the part that’s going to seem a little awkward at first.

After you’ve negotiated your issues, you’re going to want to make a schedule for sex – date, time and location – and stick to it, even if one or the other isn’t necessarily feeling it at the time. It can feel weird – after all, you’re treating sex like a scheduled meeting at work – but it puts you into the rhythm (as it were) of sex on a regular basis and it brings a higher-level of importance to actually making the time for it. This will also help with your worries about being rejected when you want to make a move.

Now here’s something you need to understand: you shouldn’t feel like a pervert because you want to have sex; there’s nothing wrong with having a libido and being sexually attracted to your wife. It does sound like the two of you have communication issues – just because you’re trying to lead into sex with a sensual massage doesn’t necessarily mean that she knows that’s where you’re going… and it also doesn’t sound like she’s very good at telling you that she’d rather just have the massage this time before you get too far into it.

Hopefully she isn’t responding to your overtures with “Fine, I’ll jerk you off if that’ll get you out of my hair”; she should be saying “hey, I’m not really in the mood at the moment, but here, let me help you out.” At the same time, you shouldn’t treat the handjob necessarily as a second-rate replacement for sex or a pity-induced orgasm. Part of what makes for a successful sexual relationship – part of what Dan Savage calls GGG or “good, giving and game” means giving your partner a cheerfully helping hand (or mouth, or cleavage, or vibrator) when one or the other of you is in the mood and the other isn’t. You don’t present it as a tiresome obligation akin to scooping the litter-box, you present it as “I care about you and your needs and I want to help you meet them as best I can.”

TL;DR version: Negotiate a way of the two of you meeting your sexual needs, create a sex schedule and keep to it and work on those communication skills.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)