DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a huge fan of your work and I feel like you’ve really helped me advance as far as dating goes. Using your advice I started online dating (using OkCupid) a few years ago and I found out that there are women out there that find me desirable, which I found to be amazing because I’m not conventionally attractive in the slightest (I’m 5’7, Babyfaced, and slightly chubby). I’ve gotten a lot of likes, had messages responded to, had several first dates, and last year even had a girl ask to kiss me. Sadly that same girl rejected me after three dates because she suddenly lost interest (she said it was because she loses interest in relationships really quickly and that that was why she hadn’t had relationships before, I don’t really believe that and think she was just letting me down easy but, whatever).

The problem is it seems like the online dating environment is evolving in such a way that greatly disadvantages guys like me. Apps like Tinder have long since overtaken OkCupid in popularity and to be successful on that app you absolutely have to be strongly conventionally attractive or you won’t get anyone to swipe right. You don’t get to make the first move and your profile is basically meaningless which unfortunately means I can’t make up for my appearance with a thoughtful first message or a well-written profile. And of course OkCupid is changing itself to be more like Tinder: your messages are basically invisible unless you both like each other, you can’t see who’s visited your profile, and you can only see who likes you if you buy a subscription. I’m terribly afraid that people like me or going to be forced out of online dating and that I’ll lose the only way I have to find a relationship. Of course, the obvious solution would be to try and get dates in real life, but there a couple of problems with that. For one, trying to hit up strangers just sounds wrong, I can’t think of anything that would scream “I’m a Creep and Probably a Rapist” more than trawling through town hitting up random women who look single. And the second issue is… well…

I don’t have any friends. There, I said it. It’s not like I’m not socially functional, I have a ton of acquaintances, usually from places I’ve worked, who I’ve joked with, helped out, and had long conversations with. Hell, there are coworkers who’ve basically told me their life story in the time I’ve known them. I’ve also taken steps to make friends in the past: I’ve gone to Meetups, started two Meetup groups of my own, even scheduled a hang out with a coworker once. But all of these fell through due schedule conflicts, groups dying out, and personal conflicts (the coworker I hung out with has recently broken up with his long-time girlfriend and isn’t currently in the mood to hang out).

But honestly, I don’t really feel the need or desire for friends anymore. Most of my hobbies are solo pursuits: playing single player video games, reading, relaxed hiking, and biking, watching anime and youtube videos, collecting albums from obscure and forgotten bands, etc. I play guitar sometimes but I’m nowhere good enough to play in a band (if I could even find anybody in town with similar musical tastes). I have a good relationship with my family who I currently live with (I’m not a loser, I have a fulltime job and I’m getting my Masters in Library Science; I’m just staying to save money till I graduate) and thanks to my psychiatrist I have meds to deal with my anxiety issues. Besides, having someone to occasionally hang out with if I’m not too busy, I want physical affection (no, not just sex, but hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc.) and someone who sees me as something special, someone who finds me to be an attractive person instead someone cool enough to watch youtube videos with for a couple hours.

But of course, the only way for me to date if online dating stops being an option would be to meet people through friends. I don’t think it a good idea to make “friends” just so I could meet women, that would be unfair to my “friends” and probably wouldn’t work anyway. Besides, making friends takes a long time, several years probably, and as someone who’s almost 26 and never had a girlfriend, I’m not sure I want to wait till I’m deep in my 30s before I can even attempt to date, especially since my chances will have dropped dramatically by then. So I guess my question is, what should I do? Can I adapt to new online dating environment? Do I just need to suck it up and ask strangers out in real life? Do I have to spend the next several years making friends and hope I eventually meet a girl?

Thank you,

Loner Boy

DEAR LONER BOY: Here’s the thing, LB: your biggest problem seems to be that you don’t want to actually put in the effort. I’m not gonna lie, you’re coming off with an attitude of “we’ve tried nothing and now we’re all out of ideas.”

Let’s start with online dating. You’re frustrated. I get it. Online dating can frequently be frustrating because, honestly, a lot of dating sites are set up in ways that make it hard for folks to actually connect. A lot of the recent trends in dating apps and sites have been attempts to mitigate that frustration and make it a more enjoyable – or at least teeth-grindingly annoying – experience. So while I think OKCupid’s recent changes aren’t great, the double opt-in system does help cut down on a lot of bulls

t by trying to get the signal-to-noise ratio under control. And you aren’t wrong in that Tinder is more visually oriented… but that doesn’t mean that you’re just SOL. To start with, you can start by taking better photos. Getting more comfortable with the camera, knowing how to find your angles and how to show yourself off to your best effect all go a long way towards transforming your photos from “nice” to “niiiiiiice”.

But at the same time, you don’t need to be on Tinder. Different dating apps have different cultures and different approaches to how to connect people. Bumble, for example, focuses on having women take the initiative and make the first move. Hinge, on the other hand, focuses on messaging and lets users like and comment on things from people’s profiles in order to get the conversation started.

Or… you could do what most people do and meet potential dates out in your day to day life. Because, straight talk my dude: even in 2018, most people don’t meet their partners on dating apps. Most people tend to meet their partners either through activities… or through friends. Y’know. The thing you just said you don’t want to do.

But part of your problem is that you’re treating finding dates as the end-goal of making friends, as opposed to a pleasant side effect of having a robust social life. It’s not that you’re going around just trying to make connections so that you can go hit on every woman they know – that is a great way to fire up the Creeper Signal – it’s that you’re meeting people who you enjoy spending time with, who give you a strong emotional support system and and who enrich your life. And let’s be real here: not having many – or any – friends hurts you on multiple levels. There’s an honest-to-God loneliness epidemic going on right now and it’s literally killing people. Having few or no friends is worse for your health than smoking.

And to be honest: your hobbies are solo by default, not by definition. There’s nothing that says you can’t go riding bikes or relaxed hikes with others; hell, you can probably find a dozen Meetups specifically about going on leisurely strolls or bike rides. Plenty of folks like going hunting for records or hanging out and watching anime. These are all things you could do with friends, should you so choose.

You also have a weird vision of how the whole “friendship” process works. The idea that you need to know somebody for years before you’re friends – and before they may introduce you to other friends of theirs – is another one of those times where I’m left wondering where you got that idea because it sure as hell isn’t in practice. Yes, friendships develop over time and it takes time to go from “acquaintance” to “friend”… but the idea that this is a multi-year process that must be completed before any other friendship benefits can be accrued makes me suspect that you’ve taken a lot of the wrong conclusions from think-pieces about friendship.

To be fair, making friends does get harder once you’re out of college. But “harder” isn’t the same thing as impossible. It just means that, like most things in life, you’re going to have to go out and make an effort. You’re going to have to find folks who you’d want to hang out with, make an effort to get to know them, connect with them and foster and maintain that burgeoning friendship. That’s gonna take time and effort.

Rather like dating, actually.

Now hey, maybe you’re being real with me when you say that you don’t really want or need friends. Maybe you’re actually cool rolling solo, rather than just being resigned to it or feeling like you’ve given up. If that’s the case then hey, awesome. You do you. But then you’re back to square one: where are you going to find someone to date? Because honestly, my dude, you’re not going to find a girlfriend without putting in the effort. If you don’t want to use online dating sites, then that’s your call. Lots of folks don’t like ’em and that’s totally legitimate. But if that’s the case, then you are going to have to be proactive about meeting people. That may mean making cold approaches at bars or clubs. It may mean meeting people via activities you enjoy. Or it may mean friends introducing you to someone that they think you’d hit it off with.

But whether you choose any one approach or a mixture of them, you’re going to have to get proactive about it. Because women aren’t going to just drop into your lap out of the clear blue sky and the love of your life isn’t going to randomly slam into you while she’s running late to class, no matter what anime has taught you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was hoping that you could help me with some toxic emotions I’m feeling.

One of my friends recently started dating a friend. We had had some casual hook ups before but had decided to pull back from hooking up to just close friends. She starts dating another guy and I get these really toxic emotions of jealousy and feeling betrayed. I feel like I’ve been replaced as a friend (she doesn’t talk to me as much or as intimately as before) and after I’ve hung out as a group with them, I get some negative emotions after seeing them interact. I know these emotions aren’t right and I’m happy for her to be happy and with someone that makes her happy; is there any you have to help me sort out those negative emotions?

Third Wheel

DEAR THIRD WHEEL: The easiest way to work through jealousy is to figure out just what it is that’s bothering you. A lot of jealousy is based on fear, and the fear of loss in particular. In this case, I suspect that the underlying fear is that you’re being pushed out. Your friend’s dating someone new and now your friendship doesn’t feel as close as it used to. This relationship, which was incredibly important to you, seems to have been put on the backburner while she’s off with this new guy. Now you’re wondering: was any of this real? Were you really friends, or were you her emotional crutch, someone who was just there to provide intimacy and companionship until the “real” thing came around?

It’s an entirely understandable feeling. But at the same time… it’s not an entirely logical one. It’s easy to jump to conclusions when feelings are involved, but it’s worth taking a moment to stop and think about things. Your friend just started dating someone new. This means that she’s in the middle of the honeymoon period with her new beau. Right now her brain’s getting flooded with oxytocin and dopamine that’s all going straight to the pleasure centers of her brain. She is, quite literally, getting high from his presence, just like we all do during those initial giddy months with someone new. It’s not surprising that she’s letting her other relationships slide a little; this tends to happen when folks get twitterpated over a new relationship.

But that doesn’t automatically mean that she’s deprioritizing you or isn’t as close with you. It just means that, like everyone in the throes of a new partner, she’s caught in her own little world and it’s rapidly running out of oxygen. So for right now, if you want to keep this friendship going, then you need to make the effort and reach out. Try to make a point of getting together to hang out. Hit her up and say “Hey, it feels like we haven’t hung out in forever, we should go do $THING and catch up.” Not only does this remind her that she’s been neglecting her friends – just a little – but it also sets the tone: you want to reconnect and maintain that closeness you’d had before. With luck, the two of you can schedule some hang time and rekindle some of the closeness and intimacy you had.

I suspect that once you don’t feel like your friend is being taken away from you, you won’t be feeling as possessive, angry or jealous when you see her and the new guy together. He won’t be a threat to your friendship; he’ll be the guy who’s making your friend happy.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve been a long time reader, and over the years have used a good number of your suggestions for improving myself, and so wanted to start by saying thank you for the help!

A little information on me, I am a 25 year old fairly recent graduate, in a long term (8 years) relationship with a lovely girl we can call Jane. The two of us purchased a house together about a year ago, and lived together on and off as schedules permitted throughout my time at university. By all means she is fantastic, lovable, sweet, funny, and a whole load of other things. All in all I am quite happy!

So why am I writing for help? Well, I’ve grown and changed a lot as a person since we started dating. This has been a largely positive change in most areas in her eyes, with the exception of one.

While I had grown up largely focusing on monogamous relationships, around 3/4 years back I started to notice I rather enjoyed the prospect of polygamy. I first started to think about this shift in relationship style when I realized as time had gone on I had become less and less prone to jealousy or the general sense of “relational ownership” I had felt when I was younger, and that I greatly enjoyed the idea of being able to express romantic/physical/whatever inclination to more than one party, and wanted Jane to be able to do the same.

Around this time, I asked Jane something to the effect of “Lets say I loved you fully, but also had strong feelings for another person. Do you think it would be possible for me to have feelings of love for both of you?” Jane has always been a bit a somewhat jealous type of person, never doing anything mean or destructive because of it, but none the less reacted not so well to this, assuming that in spite of what I’d said that it meant I did not or would not love her. As a result, after moving beyond the initial tears and fears, I never brought it up again.

Fast forward to the here and now, I still feel the same way. The only difference is that Jane and I have both been becoming increasingly close friends with someone I used to know from my mid teens, who we can call Susan. Back in “the day” Susan and I were never wildly close friends by any means, but were in to the same general music, hobbies, etc, and had hung out together over the years, and have kept in relatively good touch. Recently Susan and I started chatting more, just about random current events, politics, etc. It was a nice talk, and I suggested the three of us have dinner or find a time to hang out some time and catch up. We did so, and progressively one meet up became another, became many more, and we currently all meet up for movies, dinners, drinks, general whatever every weekend. Jane has expressed to me a level of attraction to Susan, and likewise Susan has expressed that she is very romantically interested in both Jane and myself. Susan has also expressed her own non monogamous leanings to both Jane and I.

I have discussed things again recently, and in much more persistent detail with Jane. I have expressed that I think it would be nice to open our relationship up to the possibility of the three of us dating, and that in the event Jane had similar feelings for another, that I (and Susan in this context) would be open to that too, regardless of gender, presentation, etc, so long as we liked them as people.

Long story short, Jane’s response was about as hard a no as it possibly could be. I wasn’t really expecting it to go over especially fantastically, but I’ve tried to improve communication and expression of desires so wanted to at least give it a “proper” try.

Anyways on to my actual problem, which isn’t the one that it probably sounds like it would be based on the stuff above.

I’m not looking for help making a decision of whether I should be with Susan or Jane, as I have already made my mind ages ago that Jane is someone I want to be with no matter what. If that means she is the only someone, and that I will not be following my poly leanings, than so be it. The issue is that even though I can consciously say this, it is something I still really want. I want to be allowed to express romantic feelings for people, and have them reject or receive them, and have that develop however it may. I have very strong feelings for Susan, and would love to act upon those, or similar for potential others in the future.

Basically, the TL;DR question to summarize this is: I am poly leaning and my partner is not. How can I focus more on her, reduce my strong romantic desires, and get myself back into the typical “The One ™” mindset?

Many thanks again!

-Polygamustnot

DEAR POLYGAMUSTNOT: First of all, I think you mean polyamory. If you were calling it polygamy, then it likely sounded to your wife like you were proposing a harem situation, which — as even incredibly experienced daters can tell you — is beyond varsity level and well into the pros in terms of difficulty. Even if she were poly-inclined, I could see that being a hard-as-hell no.

But let’s talk about you for a second. You, over the course of your growth as an emotional person, have realized that you aren’t as possessive and jealous as you once were. That’s awesome! It’s an inherently good thing to be able to legitimately be secure enough in your relationship with your partner, regardless of whether you’re monogamous or not. And, in theory, you’d be down, should the opportunity arise, with an open or even polyamorous arrangement.  All well and good. We all have wants and fantasies. We all have ideas that we think we would be into, should the opportunity arise. Sometimes, they’re flights of fancy, a willingness to admit that under different circumstances, a particular thing – whether it’s an activity, a relationship change or just a person – might be fun. It’s relatively easy to live with a fantasy even when you know – as you did, after your first conversation with your partner – that it was never going to happen.

Other times, they’re something we discover that we legitimately want, even need. And that’s when things get complicated.

In your case, the problem is that you took it to another level. Hoping to fulfill a fantasy is one thing if it’s just involving you and you alone.  But a relationship means that you share your life with someone and what affects you tends to affect them too… especially if it involves things that are already a hard-limit for your partner. Bringing up your interest in polyamory – after a pretty firm shut-down – wasn’t a great idea in the first place. Bringing it up again, with a specific person this time? That was a pretty damn big mistake. And while you don’t give all the details, I suspect that you were talking this out with Susan long before you brought it up again to Jane. I rather imagine that if Susan had told the two of you together that she’d be open for dating one or both of you, it would have been a very different conversation for everyone involved.

Instead, it seems that you took it upon yourself to start the conversation without asking your partner first. And that was where you screwed up. Now, to be fair: Jane was willing to admit an attraction to Susan. But there’s being willing to say someone’s attractive or sexy, maybe even fantasize about her in the privacy of one’s own mind, but to actually invite her into your relationship in some way, shape or form?

That’s a pretty big NOPE right there.

Before now, you were content with the relationship you had. But now that you’ve opened Pandora’s Box (as it were) of desire and thought, even for a moment, that there was a possibility of making this real, you’re stuck wanting something that you know you can’t have. Now you want to rewind time and try to find some way to shove that knowledge and that desire back in the box. And, I hate to tell you this but… you’re just gonna have to live with it.

Once you realized that there’s a part of you going unfulfilled, there really is no way to not know it. There’s no magical way of thinking that’s going to make you not want something. You’re not going to be able to force yourself to not desire something through sheer force of will or mental trickery. The only thing you can do with these new desires – if you want to maintain your current relationship – is make your peace with it.  Either you’re going to have to accept that the price of entry to your relationship with Jane is that you’re going to have desires that are going to go unfulfilled, or you’re going to have to break up with her.

You say that Jane is the person that you want to be with no matter what. Take that knowledge – understanding that she’s that awesome and that she’s worth what you’ll have to give up to be with her – and find comfort in it. Nobody gets everything they want in a relationship, because people are people and people aren’t perfect. There is no One; there’s the .6 to .8 that you round up to One. You may not get your fantasy, but look at all the amazing things you do get to have instead! If you want to make things work with Jane, that’s going to have to be enough.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been an avid reader of yours for the past few years, and I really like your thoughtful perspective. I was wondering if you could help me with a relationship dilemma. I’m a grad student dating another student in my university, and after six months, things have been getting pretty serious. My boyfriend is intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and incredibly supportive—and he’s made it clear that he sees our relationship heading towards marriage and children. He’s the kind of person who brings by homemade soup when I’m sick, gives amazing pep talks, even watches my dog so I could visit family or present at conferences. I love him, but I’m not as completely certain that he’s “the one.” On one hand, I can definitely see us together long-term—we’re on the same page with life goals, conflict styles, vulnerable and open communication, sex, finances, and even hypothetical parenting styles. We’re compatible in many ways, and one of my favorite things is sitting on the porch in a comfortable silence with him, watching the sunset after a long day of teaching or weekend hike.

But on the other hand, he’s so different from the person I’d always imagined I’d end up with. Because we started out as hiking buddies and were friends well before we started dating, things that I would have deemed deal breakers on a first date didn’t seem to matter. He’s eight years older, not particularly religious, messy, smokes weed a few times a month, has tons of tattoos, and he isn’t quite as ambitious or career-focused. I’m a person of faith, uncomfortable with drugs, obsessively clean, and my degree is significantly more marketable. He’s supportive of my own beliefs, only smokes when I’m not around, and helps me mellow out when I get too uptight about school and work (and I’ve helped him with his job applications), so I know these should be non-issues. But I struggle to dismiss them completely. Is it disingenuous to continue dating him when I’m only about 75-80% sure that we’ll make it work long term?

He’s almost finished with his PhD while I’m still facing another five years of school to get mine—because he’s older, he’s dated more than me and wants to settle down more quickly, most likely while I’ll still be in school. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does put a little more pressure on me to be sure before he tries to find jobs this year near my next grad program. Is it normal to feel this way in a serious relationship? Am I ethically in the wrong for continuing to be with him when I’m not 100% certain? He’s so supportive, so I feel terrible for having lingering doubts about issues that seem more shallow.

-Of Two Minds

DEAR OF TWO MINDS: I think your problem isn’t that you’re not 100% certain, OTM. I think your problem is that you’re getting hung up on what you think you should want vs. what you do want. I mean, you’ve listed all of these amazing things about him that you love and things that are insanely important to you in terms of long-term compatibility. Hell even by your own words, those dealbreakers of his aren’t a big deal and he goes out of his way to minimize their impact on you.

I’m gonna be honest: I’m not really seeing the downside here other than he’s not quite as much of a neat-freak as you are.

But I’m going to tell you the same thing I just told Polygamustnot above: there is no “The One”. You’re not going to find one person who has every single thing you want in a partner; you’re always going to compromise and accept that everyone you date is going to have their flaws and imperfections. The question isn’t “is this person The One”, it’s “is this person so awesome that I don’t mind the other stuff?” At 75 – 80%, you’re doing pretty damn well. To paraphrase a particular sage: there’s a million fine looking men in the world. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Or homemade soup, for that matter.

And to inject a certain amount of reality: there’s no way to know who is or isn’t going to work in the long-term. Every single relationship you’re going to be in will fail, until one doesn’t… and there’s no real way to predict which one is going to be the one that doesn’t.

But let’s be real here, OTM, your dude sounds pretty awesome. You might wanna hold on tight to him, OTM, because I’m pretty sure there’re going to be some folks in the comments who’ll volunteer as tribute if you decide you can’t make this work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am a 27 year old male who has never been in a serious relationship, though have had a few flings last about a month. I am a reasonably handsome and pretty fit guy. I’ve never felt the need to necessarily ‘chase’ women – I’m okay with being alone. If I’m out with my buddies and I talk to a lady, great. If I don’t, great. That being said, for a long time my self-esteem and opinion of myself was pretty low, as well as dealing with a self sustained injury to my genitals left me feeling indifferent to the whole dating scene, until recently (thanks in large part to reading your work). I’ve taken steps like upgrading my wardrobe and taking better care of my body/health (everything works as it should).

A few months ago I asked a girl I work with if she wanted to grab some drinks – it was totally platonic, I had the night off and wanted to get out of the house, and she was game. We continued to casually hang and grab drinks every so often, whenever schedules allowed – we are both bartenders working at the same pub. I knew she had been dating a girl for almost a decade (she identifies as bisexual), and didn’t think anything would necessarily happen – until it did. One night as we were hanging out, we got into a little tickling/roughhousing fight, I picked up some serious signs, and made a move. Again, I was under the impression she was still with her girl at this time, although in the moment she did inform me that they were on a break. Great, I thought. A little fun for me! 

Afterwards, working with her continued to be great, no issues, business as usual. We hung out and hooked up again, and at that point she explained what she was looking for: nothing serious, just exploring herself as she figures things out. Here is exactly when I caught some serious feelings.

We continued to go out on dates, having fun, always talking for hours and sharing a lot of laughs. She never checks her phone even though I know it’s being blown up, and always looks great and arrives on time.

One day at work I couldn’t help but notice a fella at the bar took quite the shine to her, and I couldn’t help but notice myself getting very jealous. I felt like it was written on my face and made work awkward, so the next time we went out I felt like I had to apologize. Then the floodgates opened: I basically did everything but propose, venting all my frustrations and unrequited love for her. At the time, it felt like a great weight was lifted. Now, I can’t believe how selfish I was: she’s going through something I can’t imagine, her phone is probably being blown up by her ex, all her girlfriends telling her what she should do, checking in on her, on top of whatever other messages she gets from Tinder or Bumble. My feelings and my problems are my own, not hers. My job should simply be her friend – she’s going through something I can’t imagine and the least I can do is just make her laugh and all.

Working with her continued to be great – no lingering awkwardness, still playfully punching/tickling/poking each other, still with the inside jokes about certain annoying patrons. She texted me that night after the date explaining that she was glad to have had that conversation as adults, and stressed nothing would change. 

I let things mellow out for a couple weeks, until last week when I asked her to go bowling. Went great, lots of laughs, grabbed drinks afterwards and hung out all night. Said goodbye with one of my patented big ol’ hugs – the kind where I pick you up with a big bear hug. She always giggles and wraps her legs around me as I squeeze a liiiiiitle bit longer than usual. I felt good after that night, so naturally I had to think and ruin my mood. I notice of late she has been lending her car to a manager of ours who I know doesn’t have one, and is going through a rough patch with his own girlfriend. Obviously I began to think the two of them were an item, which again I felt is/was written all over my face.

I suppose my question is, what do I do? Should I let things calm down for a while/no more dates, and accept the fact I’m back to square one? Should I continue asking her out on dates/hanging when we can? Our schedules make it so that we would only have maybe one day/night off together a week, something she would also know. I should also mention I’ve begun using apps like Youper and Headspace to help process my emotions and have felt much better since starting that.

I feel like I know what answer is right, though hearing it from you would mean a lot more than some BS bro-science stuff from my idiot bro friends.

Regards,

Insert Foot (a) Into Mouth Slot (b)

DEAR INSERT FOOT (A) INTO MOUTH (B): Yeah, you kinda screwed up there, chief. You did so in an understandable way, but you still did it.

But before I get into what you should do about it, let’s talk about jealousy for a second. Jealousy is an emotion that, at its core, is based around insecurity. When you’re jealous of someone (as opposed to when you’re envious of them), you’re worried that that someone is going to take what you have. You feel as though that you just aren’t enough , that you don’t have enough inherent worth or value to hold on to whatever it is you’re afraid of losing… especially when it’s another person. So when you encounter someone that you perceive as horning in on your territory – whether they actually are or aren’t – then you feel those sour emotions bubble up inside you. You start to envision scenarios where your special someone is going to be distracted by the new shiny object and leave you in their rear-view mirror. And because the brain can’t tell the difference between the imaginary and the real, you react to that imagined scenario instead of the real one. So, despite the fact that nothing has actually happened, you’re responding as though you’ve already been dumped.

And so you panic. You flail about. You get angry over this once-and-future betrayal. You latch onto any strategy that you think will give you a last minute reprieve, like a drowning man clinging to a twig. You pick fights to make the break-up finally happen because the anticipation of it is driving you crazy. You cling to the relationship with your fingernails and become defensive and clingy. Or you feelings-vomit all over the place in hopes that maybe the depth of your emotion will sway her to stay.

All of these strategies work about as well as you might expect. Which is to say, about as well as a Change.org petition to demand that Disney reverse The Last Jedi and tell the story right this time. What they often WILL do is torpedo your relationship like the Lusitania.

Now there are a lot of keys to dealing with jealousy, but the most effective is simply understanding that what you feel isn’t always accurate. It’s as much about your mindset and your own sense of self worth as it is about what’s actually going on. This doesn’t mean that believing in yourself makes you immune to jealousy; it just means that you’re better prepared to not overreact. Having faith in your on worth, your value and your attractiveness helps give you the tools that you need to talk yourself down off the ledge; you’re able to take a step back and take an objective look at what’s going on instead of taking the silver in the Olympic long jumping to conclusions. And, if that isn’t enough, that sense of self-worth and value means that you’re able to actually talk it out with your partner.

So let’s get back to your situation, IFIMS. You made two mistakes here.

The first is that you let jealousy get out of control. You’ve been making strides – and you should be justly proud of the progress you’ve made – but you still have those weak spots, those areas where you don’t feel like you’re deserving of love. That’s entirely understandable; everyone has them. The problem is that you let things rage out of control at the first sign of trouble. You saw somebody else liked your FWB and leapt to conclusions so quickly that Barry Allen would’ve told you to slow down, chief. You could stop and examine how she acts when she’s with you – giving you her full attention, dressing up for your your dates, making sure to be absolutely punctual, having a great time with you. You could recognize your own value: you’re a good looking, fit individual who’s put a lot of effort into himself. You could look at all the dates the two of you have been on. But you didn’t. You let things bubble up and then vomited things up over her out of a misplaced sense of guilt.

Being jealous isn’t something to be ashamed of, my dude. It’s just something to manage. Hell, it’s even something you can admit to – in that “yeah I know it’s a little absurd but I feel this twinge of jealousy ‘cuz I like you.” sort of way. But the feelings-dump you made? Not the best.

But it’s the reasons behind the feelings dump that are the real problem. And it’s where you made your major mistake: you didn’t listen to what she told you. She told you up front that she wants something casual, because she’s in a transitory state and wants to just explore her own feelings for a bit. It would be one thing to try to define terms – what does casual mean to her, what should you two expect – but you didn’t. You heard “I don’t want anything serious” and responded with “challenge accepted”.

Now this is a common enough reaction. God knows I’ve done this in my time. But what she was telling you was to adjust your expectations accordingly. If you were going to treat this as a potential committed relationship and get ugly feels over the idea of her possibly dating other folks too, then the best thing you could do would be to bow out. This doesn’t mean that there’s something weak or unmanly about you, it just means that this is a style of relationship that is right for you. But since you went in hoping for something serious, you took that statement as a warning instead. So now instead of being able to just enjoy what you had, you’ve got the germ that would eventually grow and spread into that case of jealousy you’re dealing with.

Which brings us back to where we are now. What do you do now? Well, to start with, I’d suggest figuring out where your head’s at. Taking some time to recognize your value and build up your confidence is important. But just as important is understanding your feelings for her and what they may mean for the two of you.

Knowing that she’s not looking for anything serious – and you clearly want that seriousness – are you going to be able to date her with the understanding that this isn’t heading towards commitment and monogamy? Are you going to be able to enjoy the relationship you have instead of the one that you’re hoping for? If so, then the next step is to talk with your friend. Tell her that you want to figure out where the two of you stand, because you really dig her. Is she still down for casual dates and hook-ups? What does casual mean for her? Does she see this as potentially going somewhere more serious, or is that still off the table for her?

Then, listen to her. Not just “physically hear the words” but actually internalize them, so that you aren’t acting on false or invented hope. If what she has to offer is something you can live with, then hey, awesome. Enjoy your time with her.

But if it isn’t? Then the best thing you can do is enjoy being her friend, even having a flirty friendship, but look for the kind of relationship you need elsewhere.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just read your column about the reader who wanted to know how to friend-zone his wife, and the bit about “you’re falling victim to a lot of confirmation bias here, all based around the idea that you’re inherently unattractive and that your interest in someone is an unwanted burden that you’re dropping on them like a cat presenting them with a dead mouse” resonated with me. And I think, “Hey, yeah! Why should expressing my interest in a woman be a giant imposition on her?”

But then I thought a little more. Obviously it’s great if she reciprocates, and it’s fine if she’s comfortable giving a kind “Thanks but no thanks.” But then what about the ones who just aren’t comfortable handing out rejection? And that’s without getting into her fear that I might turn aggressive.

How should a guy navigate that minefield? I mean, I understand about not approaching a woman on a bus and so forth, but what about that party scenario? Is it just something I have to live with, that some women will be unhappy that I spoke to them?

– Where’s The Line

DEAR WHERE’S THE LINE: It’s admirable to be concerned about not making women uncomfortable, WTL, but you need to be careful. It’s one thing to want to make sure that you aren’t creeping on someone or that the person you’re flirting with is actually into flirting with you. It’s another entirely to let the fear of “but what if she’s afraid to say no?” become an excuse for paralysis or inaction.

The key to making sure that you’re not an unwelcome presence when you’re talking to someone you’re interested in is to pay attention to them and be mindful of their comfort. Are you up in their personal space, or are you keeping a respectful distance? Are they giving you open, relaxed body language or are they crossing their arms or holding an object across their body like a shield? Are they giving you their full attention, or are they constantly looking at their watch or glancing about the room? Do they seem engaged in the conversation – participating fully and with enthusiasm – or are they giving short, brusque answers? These are all ways of gauging how into you they are and how comfortable they feel.

Similarly, if you ask them out on a date, do they give you a reason why they can’t, without suggesting another, specific time or place? Generally, if someone is interested in you but has a reason why they can’t see you on that particular day, they’ll suggest a time when they would be available. If they just give you the reason – she’s busy, she’s not ready to date, she has another event planned that day – without suggesting an alternative, then she’s trying to turn you down. These are what’s known as a “soft no” – a polite way of turning somebody down without outright saying “no, not interested”. Accepting these as the gentle refusal they’re intended to be means that you won’t be upsetting her or making her feel uncomfortable.

Just pay attention and be mindful, WTL and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)