DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am in a happy relationship of nearly 5 years, I love my girlfriend and we are both very happy. Around 1 year ago I felt like I needed more close relationships with other people. I told my girlfriend I was polyamorous and that although I loved her, I wanted more than one intimate relationship.

It has since been a year that I have told her how I feel but we have swept it under the rug. This is because she would not be happy with me having more than 1 romantic relationship and I don’t want to leave her.

This is a dilemma. She is the girl I want to marry. However I feel like I need to discover what I really want, and I don’t think I’ve been given a chance to do this. I don’t want her to be unhappy.

I have since told my girlfriend that I am happy with monogamy, because I feel so strongly about her and I really want our relationship to work.

Thank you for reading!

More Love To Give

DEAR MORE LOVE TO GIVE: Let me make sure I have this straight, MLTG because your phrasing’s a bit ambiguous. You want a poly relationship because you want to find what you actually want, is that right? Because, quite frankly, the way you phrase things makes it sound like you’re saying you want to play the field to figure out what actually want while still having your girlfriend. And… that’s kind of a problem in general. It’s a really BIG problem if that’s how you pitched it to your girlfriend.

Now to back up a little bit, let’s talk about the difference between an open relationship and a polyamorous one. An open relationship in general means that you’re not sexually exclusive to your partner; the specifics and the rules involved tend to vary from couple to couple, but it tends to be more about sexual relationships. A polyamorous relationship, on the other hand, is not having an emotionally exclusive relationship with your partner.  Again, the style tends to vary dramatically from couple – some poly groups are equilateral triangles where everyone’s involved with the other equally, others involve a single person who’s with two (or more) partners who are not involved with each other. All variations can get pretty complicated pretty quickly and require some serious social calibration, emotional intelligence and incredibly clear and open communication with everyone involved. A polyamorous relationship – regardless of the structure – is dating on steroids and all the stresses and duties of a relationship are multiplied. It can seem awesome from an outside perspective – the harem fantasy, anyone? – but in real life it can explode very quickly and all over the place.

If you seriously want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship, I suggest you do your research. Read The Ethical Slut, Opening Up and More Than Two, so that you’ll have the toolset and the vocabulary to negotiate and manage an open or poly relationship. Maintaining a polyamorous relationship is varsity-level dating when it’s poly from the start. Trying to turn a long-term, monogamous relationship into a poly one is basically pro-level dating. The idea of opening up a relationship sexually is often easier, interestingly enough; there’re more cultural models for getting some on the side than there are for the idea that you can have romantic love for more than one person at the same time.

And that’s part of what’s going to make things difficult. Your girlfriend went into this relationship – quite reasonably – assuming that you and she were on the same page. Making that big of a change to the terms of your relationship? Especially if the two of you haven’t had any sort of serious discussion about how it would work and what it would look like? That’s going to be a very hard shift to make.

So that’s one problem right there. Now here’s the other:

You’ve basically kicked it back under the rug and said “never mind, just kidding.” If polyamory is something you seriously want to pursue, then that really was a bad precedent to set. While I get that this seems like best way to make things work with your girlfriend, you’ve basically given yourself a short-term fix to a long-term problem. If you’re not genuinely OK with monogamy… well, all you’ve done is set yourself up for a break-up down the road instead of ending it now, before things get more entangled and harder to end cleanly. It’s also going to suck more for your girlfriend, especially if she thinks that the entire time you were with her, you were wishing you could be with someone else… even if that’s “someone else as well“.

You’re going to have to make a decision, MLTG: which do you want more? Your relationship with your current girlfriend? Or a polyamorous one? You’re not going to be able to have both.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a bit of a complicated sexual and emotional situation that I’m looking for some insight into. There’s a lot of NSFW detail in here, but it’s important to understanding the situation.

So I’m a cis woman and my partner of almost a year (since March 2015) is a trans woman, K. She’s assigned male at birth and pre-gender-affirmation surgery. My relationship with her is the longest one I’ve ever had (my previous longest was two months, to give you an idea of my background).

When we first started dating, I was able to give K two to three orgasms in one session – with some down-time in between, of course, but still pretty closely timed. That gradually stopped, and for the past few months (I’m not sure exactly when), orgasm has been almost exclusively “one-and-done” for her…at least when we’re together.

See, K and I also made the decision to open up our relationship in early September. We started out by getting together on two separate occasions for a threesome with a cis-woman friend of hers, G, who also had a couple dates with K without me there. During the threesomes K was obviously able to orgasm much more than with me alone, which made sense. However, that was also the case when K and G had solo dates; K was able to have multiple orgasms in one night with G, but that is no longer something that K does with me.

K and I did close up our relationship in October when school got busier, but in the past month we have reopened it, again with G being K’s friend-with-benefits. It’s still the case that K is able to go for multiple rounds every evening she spends with G alone, but not when she’s with me alone. Now obviously, this makes me feel like total crap.

My brain is telling me I used to be attractive enough and exciting enough to make her want me, but now we’ve been together long enough that I’m boring and unattractive to her, and that’s never going to change. I’ve brought these concerns to K, and she’s 1) felt guilty as hell that I feel unwanted, and 2) tried to tell me that it’s not “better” with G than it is with me; it’s just different, and she still does desire me sexually even though we interact differently now. It’s just really hard for me to believe this – after all, there’s a quantitative difference between one orgasm and two or three, right? And one is simply measurably better than the other.

I don’t know what to do at this point. Our relationship has always been very honest and supportive, and I don’t want to ruin it with my own irrational insecurity on this issue. I simply don’t know what I could do to make myself believe that I’m desirable and exciting again. K suggested watching porn for extra stimulation so she can go a second round with me, and we tried that, but it ended up making me feel even worse because it’s a reminder that she used to be able to do that with only me being the stimulation, and now I’m no longer exciting enough to make that happen.

Literally anything you have to say would be appreciated here.

Thanks for your time,

Going Back for Seconds

DEAR GOING BACK FOR SECONDS: Your jerkbrain’s going nuts, GBS and it’s making you miserable. Let me help you out a little.

First and foremost: sexual desire and performance is a strange beast in mammals. We’re sexually wired in all sorts of weird ways that cause a lot of stress because our genitals don’t always play nice with our social mores. K’s not wrong when she says “it’s different”. This is actually a factor of biology, and something that trips people up all the time in long-term relationships. In scientific circles, the way we respond sexually to new partners vs. the same partner is known as the Coolidge Effect; it describes the way that the dopamine spike from sex drops when people mate repeatedly with the same partner. In layman’s terms: our bodies start getting used to our partners as we get more familiar with them and the novelty fades. Being with a new partner ramps the dopamine spike back up because, well, they’re new and different.

But new and different doesn’t mean better. It just means different. Similarly, familiar doesn’t mean worse or boring. Those are labels your jerk-brain is throwing up because it’s trying to tell you that something’s wrong and it’s all your fault.

You’re going through something every couple goes through. Sexual passion ebbs and flows in a relationship. It’s hot and heavy in the early days, then settles into something less frantic but more intimate over time… but it can come right back too. The fact that you’re at a (relatively) low ebb has nothing to do with the quality of your relationship, your feelings for one another or how attractive you are to each other. It’s just part of a cycle that everyone goes through.

Second of all: Don’t conflate the number of orgasms or length of the refractory period with the quality of the orgasms or the strength of the connection. How many times a person orgasms or how are dependent on so many factors that are completely separate from attraction that you can’t really make any qualitative statements about “what they mean”. Hell, people with penises and prostates tend to have stronger orgasms, with correspondingly higher levels of ejaculate, when they believe their partner’s had sex with someone else. This serves as a way to flush out the competitor’s sperm. It also happens to feel good, in the way that only a mind-blowing orgasm can. That doesn’t mean that they suddenly find their partner that much more attractive; it’s just a weird quirk of being a primate.

So let’s put number of orgasms aside and look at behavior. It doesn’t sound like K’s neglecting you sexually or that she’s avoiding sex with you in order to sleep with G. In fact, it sounds like K’s doing a fair amount of work to make things work – and that’s more important than how many times she orgasms with one person or another.

In fact, K’s doing one of the things I advise couples to do when the passion starts to dip: she’s bringing more novelty into the experience. Watching porn together is one of the ways for couples to change things up. You might also try having different kinds of sex – experimenting with kink, sexting, dirty talk, taking it to new and different places (literally)… getting out of the tried and true and trying the new and different to kick off the same chemicals you had shooting through your brains when you first got together.

But let’s focus on this fact: she’s trying to show you that she still finds you attractive. Sometimes you have to be willing to take “yes” for an answer and realize your jerkbrain is a lying liar as what tells lies.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a girl and I have this guy friend who I’ve known for about three years now. We’ve always been flirty with each other but it never really amounted to anything; at the end of the day, we were just two nerds who hung out mostly to play video games. Thats probably how it always starts, eh?

Well this year something has happened between us and I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it was his whole “self-improvement plan” where each month he would ask friends for suggestions on his personality and then go about working on them that month. He’s become a much better friend and takes a lot better care of himself now, so maybe that has something to do with it. Regardless, when I came back from summer break (we’re both in college) we started hanging out as usual and suddenly there was an intense chemistry between us. We went from not even hugging to say goodbye to being extremely touchy. I’m not a touchy person at all, but we’d end up pretty snuggly on the couch any time he came over- even with other friends with us.

Everyone jokes about how we’re “such a cute couple” because we playfully fight (which obviously can get pretty physical as well), but then we both start denying it because everyone makes so much fun of us. We’ve always been friends so people think its funny to joke about it because they don’t know anything has changed, thus it gets embarrassing when they hassle us. Plus he is well-known for his “type” because he’s a short guy that goes for all these model-esque women, yet I’m his height. There’s all these other factors to his “type” too that I don’t really fit, one especially being that he doesn’t go for other nerds. And yet today he said “Let’s take a couple picture!” after laying down next to me on the floor, then stroked my hair and did all this other couple-y stuff. (Also, no, there was no good reason for me to lay on the floor. A bunch of us were just bored at a Christmas party, so we laid down on the floor and started doing barrel rolls. College kids.)

I know at this point that I definitely have some feelings for him, but I’m completely confused by him. He’s been on a few dates with another girl recently and I don’t know where that leaves us. Every time I think he’s gonna make a move its actually for someone else. I’m debating whether he goes out with the other girls to make me jealous or if its because they meet his self-professed “type”. I also am a kind of a “tough girl” so I can come across as intimidating, but he knows me better than that and is aware its just sort of a front to keep the jerks and creeps at bay. One thing I’m sure of is that he’s definitely feeling the same chemistry I am. I sat down with him the other day and told him I didn’t want him to be so touchy if he wasn’t planning on asking me on a date any time soon and he apologized, said he noticed it, and promised to work on it. However that only lasted a few days and then it went back to flirting and physical contact. It actually got worse, I’d say.

I don’t want to lose my friend over this but I have a feeling thats where it’s heading if I don’t do something. Its gonna start making me crazy if I have to spend my time with him trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do. It’s starting to feel very childish or “high school” I guess, if that makes sense, and I’m not about that. But if I’m as impossible to read as all my friends say I am, I’m worried he’s just scared I’ll turn him down when thats not the case.

I don’t know. I’m done with words. Help is appreciated.

Dazed and confused

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: Ok, this may be the first time I can’t tell if someone has written in with their problems or if I’m trying to provide relationship advice to the cast of an anime rom-com. Because quite frankly, this is such a tsundere (A term from anime and manga, meaning a person who alternates between being irritable – tsuntsun– and affectionate- deredere) relationship plotline that I feel like I should be checking TVTropes for plot spoilers.

But let’s put the character comparisons aside and look at things. You’ve been good friends for a while and now there’s suddenly intense chemistry between the two of you. You’re flirty, you’re touchy-feely and cuddly. You spend all your time together…

Why exactly are you asking me for advice again?

This couldn’t be more obvious. Dude’s into you. You’re into him. Even your friends are screaming at you two to kiss already.

Here’s why your loverboy hasn’t done anything: you put up an intimidating front – even though he knows better – and it’s making him nervous about actually taking things to the next level. “Hey, don’t flirt with me unless you’re going to ask me out” can sound like an invite to make the first move… or it can sound like you’re saying “S… stop getting the wrong idea! Baka!”

Yeah, he may like those model-esque women… but he’s also clearly demonstrating that he likes you too. He’s (presumably) not dating other women to make you jealous, he’s dating other women because… well, what else is the dude supposed to do? He’s worried that you just told him to quit flirting with him because you’re not going to date him, even when you’re sitting there waiting for him to ask you out. The two of you are in shoujo anime relationship limbo right now, both of you aware that you dig each other but neither of you are willing to do anything about it.

Be very glad that I’m not anywhere near you; my tolerance for romantic comedy “can’t spit it out” drama is incredibly low and I would feel obligated to beat you both with a clue-by-four before lock the two of you in a closet until you accepted the obvious and started making out.

At the moment, homeboy’s terrified that you’re not into him. So here’s what you do: ask him out, already. This will solve all your problems: he’ll realize he doesn’t need to be afraid that you’ll turn him down and you’ll finally get all the damn tension out in the open instead of sitting around and wondering what to do do about things.

Honestly, the worst thing that happens is that he says no. In which case… well, it sucks, but you’ve got your answer now and you can move on. At that point, you tell him straight up to quit flirting with you because you like him and his being flirty with you when he doesn’t feel the same way makes you uncomfortable.

But I’m willing to wager a not insignificant amount of money that he’s going to say “yes”.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Way back in the dark ages (late 90’s) when my husband and I first started seeing each other we sat down and had a conversation about monogamy. We agreed (18-year old me and 22-year-old him) that if ever there came a time when one of us wanted to pursue a secondary relationship that we had the freedom to ask for permission for such a dalliance. That all seemed fair and equitable and incredibly distant and academic to my younger self. Honestly, that agreement still seems reasonable to me on an intellectual level.

But here’s the thing, we’ve been been married for 16 years, we have two children, and for every single one of the last 18 years (the two we weren’t married for and the 16 we have been) the idea of being non-monogamous has really never come up. Until now. Six weeks ago, after an admittedly long dry spell spurred by poorly treated depression on my part, he came to me with a question. He’d met a lovely young woman he had feelings for and wanted to pursue a relationship with.

Now, philosophically I have no issue with polyamory. And, after all, I did agree that this was a permissible question and potentiality way back in the way back. That said, I won’t lie when I say I was upset. But after I’d taken some time to process I gave him the go-ahead. What I didn’t anticipate, and couldn’t have really, is that the poorly controlled depression I mentioned above was actually entirely untreated bipolar disorder. As he was gaily off wooing this new woman I was sitting at home going absolutely bats

t insane. At this point we’re all on the same page, mostly. He continues to see his new lady friend with the caveat that they are taking things very slowly out or respect for my mental health. Meanwhile, I am getting on new meds and getting my butt into therapy.

However, in the interim, and also depending on which pole I’m at, I am either one hundred percent okay with his secondary relationship or absolutely devastated by it. I’m hopeful that once my meds start actually working I’ll be in a better place to know what my actual opinions are. I guess my questions are these: since I was cool with this all prior to losing my mind will I go back to being cool with it? Is my husband being a jerk to keep dating his other partner while I am having a major depressive episode? Am I fooling myself thinking I can be okay with this? I really can’t sort out which feelings are real and which ones are my mood disorder messing with me. With the caveat that you have no clue what’s going on in my own twisted psyche, does this sound like a fair and ethical scenario or am I actually getting the short end on things? I know how it feels right now, but seeing as I’m deeply depressed I don’t really trust my own judgement.

BiPolarAmory

DEAR BIPOLARAMORY: So a couple things first.

The fact that you made this arrangement 18 years ago doesn’t mean that you’re now soul-bound to it. You and he have done a whole lotta living, growing and changing in the intervening years. The circumstances under which you made that arrangement back in the day are not the same as the ones that stand now. So it’s not inherently unfair to you to say “ya know, I’ve got some issues with this,” and re-open negotiations if you feel that you’re not necessarily ok with it these days.

The other thing is that you don’t want to overlook how you feel.

If you’re in a place, funky brain chemistry and all, where there’re regular times when it is ripping your heart to shreds, it is totally fine to pump the brakes on things. The fact that the origins of said heart-shredding comes from a chemical imbalance doesn’t make it any less heart-shred-y. Just as with depression, just because you know what the root cause is doesn’t mean you magically stop feeling it or you’re able to somehow power through it by sheer force of will and come out not feeling horrible on the other side. Those feelings are real. They still hurt and dismissing them because you know that it’s a depressive episode doesn’t make them go away or invalid.

Plus, let’s not discount the possibility that the times when you’re fine with it could be coming from a manic episode.

Of course, opening that particular can o’ worms is a great way to completely paralyze yourself and leave you continually asking yourself what is reality anyway.

SO.

Opening up and maintaining an open relationship isn’t easy and it’s not for everyone, and one of the keys to making it work is the understanding that both of you have the right to call the question. Relationships are a continual negotiation and when circumstances change, then the terms of the relationship should change with them. If one person is miserable and the other is having the time of their lives, that’s inherently not fair to the miserable person. The point of an open relationship is that everyone is ok and on board; if opening things up is going to end up doing more harm than good, then you shouldn’t open the relationship. 

If you’re unsure about how you feel or whether those feelings are being influenced by wonky brain chemistry, then the best thing you can do is temporarily close things while you wait for the medication to do it’s thing (and acknowledging that it could take a while to find meds and dosages that work for you). And honestly, I’d say if you’re going to close it up while you’re getting your disorder under control, then close it up all the way. Which means your hubby calling things quits (for now) with the new girlfriend. Yes, it’s a shame that he doesn’t get to explore things further with her the way he’d want to but a) you need his love and support right now and b) there’s no point in frustrating him with what he can’t have or setting things up where oops he slipped and broke your arrangement.

Close things for now, get yourself in a better place and re-examine how you feel. If you legitimately are ok with it, you can reopen it again and everyone can pick up again later. And just in case you haven’t already, I suggest you both do your due diligence with regards to polyamory. Check out The Ethical Slut, Opening Up and More Than Two to help you both talk about what you want and how you’re going to make things work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband and I are about to reach our ten year anniversary and are in the midst of preparing for a 2,000 mile move. I say both of these things first and foremost because I want it to be known that we are a lifetime couple with no plans of leaving one another.

However, in the past two years, my husband has been feeling neglected. We have sex almost every day, and on the days we don’t, I am made very aware of it.

His work schedule requires him to wake up between 7:30 and 8:30 in the morning. Mine requires me to be awake at 4:30 in the morning. About 90% of the time we don’t have sex, it’s because it is so late at night and I only have about 5 hours to sleep before work.

I am writing to you because we are having sex at least 5 times a week and it is still not enough for him. Any time we do not have sex, he holds it against me for hours, sometimes days.

The problem I am running into is that the more he gets upset or angry with me over these “missed encounters”, the more that sex becomes an act of duty, not intimacy.

I have tried explaining to him that when he gets angry, it lowers my emotional and sexual confidence to a point where I feel like I will never succeed. I have also told him that his reactions to our not having sex are far stronger than his reactions after we do. His response was simply that not having sex is “not an option”. For him to be happy, he must have sex two times a day, and he does not understand why I don’t just “fix the problem” and do as he asks.

I have never asked a friend or a family member about this as I do not want them to judge our relationship. But I need to know what “enough” sex is. Or maybe I need to know how to increase my sex drive or how to plan a sex schedule. Maybe all I need to know is that I am doing an okay job as a wife.

I just need someone to help me because I don’t want to lose my best friend down the line because of unchecked anger or latent resentment.

Any advice would help.

Trouble Brewing

DEAR TROUBLE BREWING: The problem isn’t how often you’re having sex, TB. The problem is the way your husband is acting. Because… well, holy gods, goddesses and assorted minor deities he’s acting like a giant bag of d

ks right now.

Let’s start off with the obvious: you’ve been together for damned near ten years now and you’re still having 5 times a week. That’s not just impressive, that’s downright rare. I know couples who’ve been together a tenth as long as you have who’re having sex five times a month.

The pesky thing about relationships – especially monogamous ones – is that passion tends to fade over time. This is known as the Coolidge Effect; humans have reduced interest in sex with the same partner (or partners) over time only to have that passion renewed when confronted with a new partner. When we partner up exclusively with someone for the long term, we have to confront the fact that our sexual desire for one another can diminish. Despite how this sounds, this is actually something of a feature not a bug; that initial rush of passion and desire (ideally) turns into something deeper and more emotionally intimate and prompts increased bonding on the emotional level. Moreover, there are many ways of rekindling that spark with one’s partner and bringing that “new relationship energy” rushing back.

What can I say? Humans are complex beasties when you get under the hood.

So it’s important to acknowledge for the sake of perspective that the two of you are already having a lot of sex, much more than most couples who’ve been together as long as you two have.

Now in any relationship there’s almost always going to be an imbalance of libidos. Even with two high-libido people, one person is likely going to want it more than another and it’s important to find a compromise that works for both parties. Sometimes that means defaulting to the preferred schedule of the person with the lower sex-drive. Sometimes it means that the person with the lower libido lends a helping hand (or mouth or vibrator or what-have-you) on occasion without having full-on sex. But the important part is that it’s done in a respectful and loving way, with both partners in mutual agreement. As you say: sex is a matter of love and intimacy (not to mention getting one’s rocks off) not a matter of duty and obligation.

And your husband, TB? He’s pretty much being the opposite of respectful and loving. In point of fact: he’s being a little s

t over this. It’s one thing to want more sex than one is getting – some folks want tons and tons of sex and that’s just fine – it’s another entirely when the other partner turns it into a matter of emotional blackmail when she or he doesn’t get their way. And that’s exactly what your husband is doing right how: he’s trying to pressure you emotionally into doing what he wants without any regard for how much this is hurting you. And the fact that he gets angry when you try to explain that to him… well, to be perfectly honest, that’s kind of a huge goddamn red flag.

Look, I’m going to come out and say it: this is at the very least borderline abusive behavior if not actual abuse.

And here’s the part that really gets under my skin: you’re taking what is very much his problem and internalizing it into something being wrong with you and holy hell, TB, you are not the one at fault there. I want you to understand this. This isn’t about you not being a good wife. Hell, you sound like you’re going above and beyond the proverbial call of duty here. The problem isn’t your libido. The problem isn’t his libido. The problem isn’t about a sex schedule. I mean, with your wonky work schedules, you’re still finding time to have sex five times a week (and I’m really hoping this is sex you’re both enjoying and not something you’re doing to get him off your back). The problem is the the way your husband is treating you over this.

I mean, let’s be honest here – there are plenty of ways the man can get his itch scratched without pressuring you in ways that make you want to curl up and die inside. If he needs to get off twice a day and three times on Sundays, he could easily spring for a Fleshlight or a Tenga and pound away for those times when the two of you are busy. It’s an easy way of satisfying one’s needs when their partner isn’t available. But that’s not the issue.

The issue is that he’s turning this into the club that he’s beating you over the head with.

I’m going to recommend is that you look into some couple’s counseling. You need to be able to express how you feel about this without your husband getting angry and shutting you down. Having a third party may well help facilitate this and hopefully will help the two of you find a way to make things work for the both of you.

You should also look into some private counseling for yourself because you’re internalizing his problems and blaming yourself instead of him.

If he won’t go to counseling and won’t compromise… well look, you say you don’t want to leave him. OK, fine, I’ll try to respect that. But you need to recognize that the way he’s treating you is not healthy. Not for you and not for your relationship. This isn’t about anger or resentment, this is about behavior. Relationships are about communication and compromise… and he’s not doing either.

Right now he’s hurting you. If he’s not willing to talk to you, to listen to your concerns and to work with you, then he’s showing you he doesn’t respect you.  This is not how a friend and lover behaves. This is the behavior of someone who just wants to use you.

Like I said: counseling. For the two of you and for you by yourself. And if he isn’t willing to work at this… well, you have some decisions to make.

Good luck, TB. And please check back in to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a nerd-girl, moderately attractive, so I find myself being the one initiating relationships (and sadly ending them.) Recently I asked out a fellow college student of mine over Facebook. We know each other through a gaming club, but we don’t get to talk much because it’s a large club, and I don’t see him other than that because he’s a theater major and I’m a science major. I decided to ask him out after two jokes he told; one on binary, the other on medieval weaponry.

I asked him if I could buy him a coffee, he responded immediately saying yes, and then we scheduled a time. My main issue is this:

Is it a date?

and

How do I know if he knows it’s a date?

Have I Made A Huge Mistake

DEAR HAVE I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE: There’s a part of me that’s absurdly tempted to link to one of a dozen ongoing hot takes and thought pieces on the whole “kids these days don’t go on dates they just ‘hang out'” idea that goes along with tut-tutting about hook-up culture but honestly? Most of the problem comes from people coasting on the ambiguity of the situation; a sort of Schrödinger’s Date that can be both A Date and Not A Date at the same time, so that one or both parties can save face if it turns out that the other person’s not into them. The irony, of course, is that trying to avoid that fear of rejection actually ends up making things worse as everyone tries to figure out whether this is A Date or not and respond accordingly.

(And then it gets especially bad when you’re dealing with same-sex dates. Is this a friend thing, or are they hoping for some smoochies at the end of it?1 )

But here’s the thing: rejection isn’t as bad as all that. It stings, sure, but like ripping off a bandage, it’s better to do it quick and clean than to drag it out. If someone’s not into you, it’s far better to find out before you’ve invested time and money into them, even if you’re just talking about the span of a half hour and the price of a cup of coffee.

Now, there’re times when it’s more likely that you can assume that a) yes, it’s a date and b) they know it’s a date. Met at a bar? Probably a date. Some flirtiness, some physical contact, especially beyond what most would consider to be friendly-touchy-feely? Almost certainly a date. Person making a point of buying the other person coffee/dinner/what-have-you? Well… there’s a little ambiguity if you squint (or, if like many nerds, you don’t believe that other people could find you attractive) but likely a date.

But you know how you can make sure that they know it’s a date? Spell it out for them. Ideally when you’re asking them out, but at least while you’re on the date. If you’re feeling especially shy or awkward about trying to wedge the d-word in, you can always bankshot it with “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you out for a while…”which not only feels less intimidating but allows for both a subtle compliment (you’ve been into him for a bit) but can play on the nerd cliche of “bashfully forward” that many people find appealing.

And if he still doesn’t get it… well, sometimes you just have to beat a person about the head and shoulders with a clue-by-four. Or, y’know. Just plant one on him and hope he doesn’t assume you tripped and just ended up on his lips.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)