DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m heading in the right direction but I need a push.

I am 27 years old and I have never been in a relationship. In fact, I have never had a single date at all. This is something that I have been looking for for a long time, but there was also a time not so long ago when I was convinced it would never happen.

However, last year I suffered a serious life event which ultimately led me to reflect on my own life, what I want from it, and how to get there. As I was figuring myself out I also started to see what I had been doing wrong in my (lack of) love life. Simply put, I had zero confidence and I was afraid to take any risks whatsoever. When I met someone I liked I convinced myself she wouldn’t be interested anyway and didn’t do anything.

Over the past year I’ve made major strides on that front, which leads me to where I am now. For the first time ever I honestly feel that I’m worth having a relationship with. I appreciate my qualities, I accept and work with my flaws, and I see that while I may not look like Elijah Wood I don’t look like Gollum either.

With that under my belt, I’ve also made steps to do more outside the house in order to meet people, and I’m generally more open to finding someone. In particular, I’ve been signing up for beginner courses for a number of sports, looking to find one to take up more seriously while also meeting other people trying something new. I’m glad to say it actually works (go figure!): it turns out there are a lot of attractive and interesting single women in my area. But if that was the end of the story I wouldn’t be writing in.

The thing is, for as many women as I’ve met and had nice conversations with over these past months, that first date remains as elusive as ever. Sometimes it may have been my fault, at other times it was probably just bad luck. For example, during the five weeks of one course I started to hit it off quite well with my sparring partner. After the final class I offered to exchange contact info, which she accepted. Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten that I had left my phone in my locker, so I couldn’t take her number. She took mine, but she was in a rush and at this point hasn’t texted me her number yet. I’m worried she’ll forget and that will be the end of that. She has a fairly distinctive name so I could probably look her up on Facebook, but I don’t know if I should.

At a different course I ended up chatting with someone after class too, but upon learning that we were heading the same direction she goes “Anyway, see you next week!” and waves me off (I’m no detective, but I’m reasonably certain that means “not interested”).

These kinds of things happen to me a lot. Despite looking, feeling and doing much better than ever before, and women generally responding positively to me, I still can’t ever seem to seal the deal. This can easily lead to old insecurities popping back up again: “If I still can’t get a date after all the progress I’ve made, maybe I just wasn’t cut out for this”. I already deleted my Tinder account some time ago because Tinder was essentially a non-stop rejection train (final station: Depressionville). I obviously don’t need every woman on the planet to fall at my feet now that I’ve climbed out of my hole, but on the other hand the old adage of “Be patient, work hard, and you’ll find someone eventually” is wearing thin.

So this leads me to my question: 

Where do you find the pool of confidence and determination within yourself to keep at it in the face of disappointments (self-made or otherwise) when you’re only just stepping into this arena and sometimes it can seem that the Universe doesn’t want you to have this? Especially when in all honesty you already wanted your first relationship (or certainly your first date) five if not ten years ago?

Worn Out

DEAR WORN OUT:  First of all, WO, let me congratulate you. You’ve been doing a lot of work and making a lot of progress. That’s incredibly admirable and you should be proud of everything that you’ve achieved.

So it seems a shame to dismiss all of that progress based on faulty information.

When it comes to dating, it can be hard to stay motivated, WO. It’s really easy to get caught up in the sense that things are pointless, especially when you feel like you’re putting all this effort in and only getting rejection in return.

And to be honest? That stuff can be difficult even when you’re socially skilled. God knows I’ve had days that wouldn’t go right even if I held a gun to it’s head. There’re plenty of times when my desire to go be social runs headlong into a feeling of “oh God people don’t want to be around me”.

But here’s the thing, WO: like I said to House up there, feels aren’t always reals. The fact that you feel something doesn’t mean that it’s true… or even accurate. The problem is that you are drawing conclusions from facts that aren’t always in evidence.

For example: you’re taking your classmate’s waving you off as a judgement on you and your desirability, but you don’t actually know that. You’ve drawn that conclusion on your own without any real data to back that up. Here’s what you know for sure: she went a different way than you after class. That’s it. She didn’t say “I’m going a different direction because you’re an uggo”. She didn’t declare that you shouldn’t even dream about trying to get with her. She just said “See you next week.” Maybe she was meeting friends. Maybe she had someplace she was going. She might have felt awkward, she might be worried that she was giving you the wrong idea or maybe the thought about attraction even entered her mind.

The truth is, you don’t know. You’re just letting your insecurities and assumptions run away with you.

The same is true of the woman you gave your number to. You’ve already decided that she’s going to forget about you, regardless of the fact that you have no earthly reason to believe it. Nothing’s happened and you’ve already locked yourself into the worst case scenario.

You, my friend, need to start developing a mindset for success, and you start by focusing on what is under your control. For example, you’re treating “getting a date” as the sign of success… but by doing so, you’re ignoring all the progress you’ve made. Yeah, it’s your end goal, but by focusing only on that goal, you’re ignoring how far you’ve come and how much you’ve achieved. You’ll do a lot better to focus on the immediate milestone and celebrate your progress instead of bemoaning that you aren’t where you want to be yet.

Yeah, a date for Saturday would be awesome. But so is the fact that you’ve been getting so much positive attention from the women around you. That’s a far stronger sign of how well you’re doing. You’re doing things you never thought you could do, achieving things you never thought you could achieve.Yeah, it’d be nice if you could have all this out of the way already and just be knee-deep in sex, but it’d also be nice if I had a restored cherry red 67′ Mustang hardtop.

Celebrate your progress, WO. Recognize where you are and how that proves what you’re capable of. Stop downplaying how much you’ve grown by insisting on the worst possible interpretations of any situation, especially when you don’t have actual proof that it’s true. Cultivate that positive attitude and realize that even when things don’t work out that it often has nothing to do with you.

And one more thought: yeah, things can be tough. It can feel like the universe is against you. But here’s something to keep in mind: if things are hard and it feels like the universe is pushing back against you? That’s a sign that you’ve leveled up, and now you’re facing new challenges. You’ve overcome those other ones. You’ll overcome these too.

Just keep at it, WO. You’ve got this.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I flat out refuse to go out with anyone who is really attractive because in my own personal experience, they are shallow, manipulative, entitled, and morally bankrupt.

That being said, even if I can’t trust them enough to give them the time of day, I till am attracted to them because I just am. Ideally I could find myself someone who is not attractive but at the same time is not ugly, just somewhere in between. But that doesn’t seem to be working.

I figure ether I’m going to have to settle for less, treat my bias, or wind up alone with just a dog and a house. I’m 23, make 60k a year stand 5 foot 10 inches any advice on this issue.

Gregory House

DEAR GREGORY HOUSE: Well you’re not wrong, GH; you basically have three options. Either you start dating people you’re not attracted to, resign yourself to being lonely… or you could go talk to an actual doctor and not a loudmouth with an advice column. Because, honestly? The problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have.

I mean, yes, there’re jerks and jackasses out there. Jerk knows no gender, appearance or sexual orientation. But if you’ve convinced yourself that every beautiful person out there is a jerk… well, there’s an aphorism about that. If you meet one jerk, you’ve had bad luck. If you meet nothing but jerks, then odds are that you’re the jerk.

Because, honestly my dude? I can feel your attitude radiating from here. When it comes to dating, attitude is destiny. As the saying goes, the optimist says “I can,” the pessimist says “I can’t,” and they’re both correct. Someone who has a generally positive outlook tends to do better because a positive attitude makes you stronger. It means that you have an easier time bouncing back from failure because you look at failure and see that it’s just a temporary thing that may not have anything to do with you. It sucks, sure, but it’s also a challenge, something that you can overcome. A negative attitude, on the other hand, makes it harder. It saps your strength and motivation because you convince yourself that this setback isn’t just inconvenient, it’s permanent. It’s an eternal black mark on your life, something that can never be overcome or worked around and there’s no point in even trying. It’s just how the universe is and there’s nothing you can do.

And then there’s the fact that a lousy attitude just straight turns people off.

I can certainly believe you’ve had a bad experience, even a couple of them in a row. But you’re also radiating bitterness like cheap coffee brewed with plutonium and that’s gonna put everyone off. When you roll into an interaction with someone with the attitude of “yeah, I’ve already decided you’re a bitch,” then you’re going to piss off a lot of people before you’ve even had a chance to open your mouth. And trust me: if I can feel your attitude through your letter, then people will see you coming a long, long way away.

And trust me: your poker face ain’t that good.

Even if you were to try to date people who are just average, you’re going to have no luck. There’s not a person out there who thinks “enh, you’ll do” is sexy. They’re even less likely to be turned on by someone who’s only dating them because they feel that they’re less likely to screw him over. They don’t want someone who’s condescending to date them, they want someone who digs them. That ain’t you, and they’re going to figure that out pretty damn quick.

But even if you did find somebody who’s willing to put up with that attitude, you’re not going to be doing any better. Because, just between you, me, and everyone reading this? You’re not going to trust them either. You’re going to constantly be waiting for them to betray you too. Because the issue isn’t whether someone’s attractive or not, it’s that you don’t trust anyone. And at some point, they’re going to get sick of your crap and dump you and then you’ll be back at square one again.

So ultimately, you’ve got two choices: you can resign yourself to being angry and bitter, or you can get help. I strongly suggest you start talking to a therapist, GH, because honestly? You sound miserable. Living your life expecting people to try to manipulate or betray you is lonely and dreary. There’s a much better life out there, one that you could have… as long as you’re willing to recognize that feelz aren’t always realz and that maybe, just maybe… you’re wrong.

Go talk to a therapist, GH. Even if you never trust the pretty people ever again, you’ll be much, much happier.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

ker, because it teaches guys to not just act in ways that alienate women but it screws themselves over too. Take, for example, the guys who were into you when you were at your heavier weight. One thing larger women encounter all the time are guys who want to sleep with fat women but don’t want to date them. Sometimes it’s because they’ve been convinced that BBWs are “easier” or “desperate” and will put up with s

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am at my wits end trying to suss out why men only see me as worthy for sex, and not a relationship. I see you advise many men on being awkward and asperger-y, but if there’s a woman one related to my issues well I’ve missed it. I’d kill for some advice.

Grew up in rural hell, overweight since age of 8, relentless teasing followed and a spate of boys asking me out as a ‘joke’. My sisters say “toxic masculinity”, but the day it started to feel more personal was when I changed schools hours apart, lost weight, AND IT HAPPENED AGAIN. So no dating for me as a teen despite wanting is ever so badly.

Hit 18, move far away to the city, get down to a respectable 140lbs and feel it’s time to come into my own. Only skeevy men (like 60 year old bar flys and 50 year old tow truck drivers) ask me out, usually hinting it’s less out than in, and I become disillusioned. After hitting clubs, becoming more confident, and even asking a guy out I liked (only to have him lick my face like a dog) I decided this wasn’t the time.

I end up in NYC, gain the weight back to about 200, and a weird version of my prior problems begins again. Men asking me out, not as a joke, but only for sex and lying about actually wanting more than pussy (I mean, yeah I know it’s not uncommon). I’m young, naive, fall for it all, finally have sex, and get into two 1.5 month relationships. The final one ends when I find out he actually had never broken up with his prior girlfriend.

My life… gets worse. An unrelated GamerGate-like situation happens and my life is ruined, I gain PTSD and an anxiety disorder, also jump to about 220 lbs higher than ever before. I try counseling, first guy is great…the rest are awful.

I end up back in NYC last year, met a man I swore I was going to marry. I finally felt good about myself and my prospects for the first time in years. It had been about 4 years between the prior 1.5 and this man. We have similar interests, I find him wildly attractive, he challenges me without putting me down, and he doesn’t do anything wildly inappropriate when we meet.

We date but once again, it’s a secret. I set a boundary: okay fine cuz I’m crazy about you, but at the 3 month mark its either real or done. First month I swear by that BS about ‘something good comes after the rain’ but then it slowly becomes my worst nightmare. Turns out in retrospect I truly believe for various reasons he is a sociopath, and he was mimicking my emotions with no sincere care or feelings of his own.

It becomes emotionally abusive and I’m stunned in my 30s with all the work I’d done on myself that I’d fall for this crap. I no longer feel good about myself, he’s constantly mocking my weight, ptsd, and fact I’m just plain not good enough. He even went to meet my family, then claimed it was never serious and I shouldn’t have read into it!!! Shockingly I ended it after watching Archer and seeing him be that way to Pam, who my asshole ex was sure Archer would never sleep with.

We unfortunately are around each other, not by choice, despite the end, and I lose all my sanity within months. He gets a new gf and tells me how she’s thin and better than me. He continues mocking the fact I was alone, so sets me up with a friend of his thats only a friends with benefit thing. That ends not badly but because that’s just not my scene man.

I have a nervous breakdown. I move away again. I see a new therapist. She seems great until one day she declares I should have just kept my legs shut then abuser wouldn’t have been a problem! I swear off therapy forever as this is not the first bad incident I’ve had (the prior good guy was like 1 in 5 attempts). I go for the weed and prozac. And now I’m alone, 32, and in rural hell again.

When I was a kid they mocked me because I wasn’t good enough. Now I’m too good at what I shouldn’t be (have traveled, have done things out in the world when they haven’t left the state line), and still bad at what I should be (weight). I seriously pursued bariatric surgery after the breakdown, but I have a hard time believing I should seriously curtail my ability to eat and drink in life so maybe a few more bar flys will find me worthy.

Online dating sucks in the city and in rural hell. I am succinct and put no hookups, all I get is hookups despite the app, the area, the pictures chosen. And frankly not having kids and not loving Trump already made the replies low in this place.

All I can conclude now is that through a decade, through thin and fat, confident and not confident, good and sane and now broken, city and rural, the only constant is me. And it must be something wrong with me. I have literally never been asked out in a manner that didn’t imply it was going right to the bedroom (or just out and out said it). The only time in my life I could get interest is when I was looking for hookups to screw the pain away over my abuser. I can go to bars, concerts, lectures, book stores, whatev and nobody ever engages me. The last guy to engage me in a thrift store told me I should wear the thin shawl I was looking at for Halloween, and only it. When I quipped that would be mighty cold he laughed and told me to tell ‘him’ (bf/husband I assume?) he tried. He had to be over 55 and looked like the old barflys.

Dr. NerdLove I am seriously at my wits end. I’m lonely, bad at reading social cues anyway (the conclusion is I’m probably on the spectrum; but no one has ever done a full test), and absolutely baffled as to why I am so unworthy of genuine love. And I’d like to stress I find older men (of good taste, not barflys of course) handsome, fat and thin I’ve been with, white and black and latino. Most of my dates I end up paying my share (the last one the guy tried to sneak his beers on my tab… I just let it slide because it was so awful and I wanted it to end). I can’t imagine wanting a clean (hygiene and appearance) guy between 25 and 60 is such a high standard. The last tinder convo I had asked me if *I* was clean STD wise…after agreeing they weren’t looking for sex. I deleted it. I’ve done POF, Match and OkCupid too.

I’m lonely as hell and about to resign to it. Please help.

Fantastic Frustrated Female 

DEAR FANTASTIC FRUSTRATED FEMALE: So here’s a secret of the advice industry, F3: sometimes it’s really hard to give an answer for people’s problems because their problem ultimately is “hey, society blows.” It’s not a satisfying answer because, well, it’s less advice and more just the advice-equivalent of a shrug. But at the same time, it can be comforting to know the problem isn’t you.

And that’s what’s happening here, F3. You’re feeling this frustration and despair because you’re a reasonable person in an unreasonable situation.

But your problem here – the thing that’s causing you the most distress – is that you’re taking things the wrong way. I’m an advocate that when you are trying to solve your dating problems, you should look for commonalities in your experiences. And, yes, sometimes the only common denominator is going to be you. But it’s incredibly easy to skip several steps and land straight on “it’s all my fault,” particularly when you have issues with depression or your self-esteem. Like Trying To Make A Choice from a few columns back, you’ve got the right data, but you’re drawing the wrong conclusions from it.

There’s a saying that I feel is relevant here: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure that you’re not surrounded by assholes.” I would suggest a correllary: “Before you decide that you’re unlovable, first make sure you haven’t been dating assholes.” This is important because one of the commonalities you’ve discounted is that you’re dealing with a lot of assholes. And like demons of old, they are called Legion for they are many. This is in no small part because we live in a culture and society that has empowered assholes to be assholes with no real consequences. In fact, acting like an asshole is something that’s both tacitly and explicitly encouraged in men. Every time people laugh admiringly at the guy who “took his shot” by making an inappropriate comment at a woman or who backslap bros for crappy, harassing jokes, they spread the message: it’s ok to act like this. Hell, it’s cool to act like this.

And that social conditioning is a motherf

theads, because society has taught guys it’s ok to act like that. The guys who feel entitled to ignore things like “not here for hook-ups” in dating profiles, the guys who think that showing up and saying “hey” is all they need to do before proposing sex, that harassing women on social media for the LULz is awesome and who think that making sexual jokes to strangers is the height of wit. Small wonder, then, that you feel lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch.

Here’s what I suggest. First and foremost: TAKE A BREAK FROM DATING. I realize that you’re lonely and want companionship and love. But right now, you have been slamming your head into the wall so many times that you’re on the verge of giving yourself a concussion. You have a lot of willpower, emotional reserves and strength, but you’ve emptied the tank and you need to let them refill. That’s not going to happen as long as you’re throwing your heart and soul into the woodchipper. So put this on pause. Think of it as taking time to let an injury heal instead of continuing to aggravate it.

Next: Find a therapist that you like, who you have the right chemistry with and focus on your mental and emotional health. One of the things that a lot of people forget is that therapy is, in it own way, like dating. If you don’t have chemistry, then you’re just frustrating yourself. So make sure that you and your therapist actually have a vibe that feels right to you, that you feel like they understand you, where you’re coming from and what you’re going through. It may help to find one who’s sex-positive and has training with issues like emotional and sexual trauma. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory on their site that can help you find a certified therapist in your area. And if there are none in your area, you may be able to find one who will do sessions over Skype or Facetime. You need to focus on healing before you dive back into the dating pool. Just as taking a break from dating is letting your wounds heal, think of this as doing the work to get back into your fighting shape. It’s much easier to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous bulls

t when you’ve taken care of yourself first.

Of course, you’re also lonely, so what do you do about this? What I suggest is that you focus on finding your people, your Team You. The people who love you, support you and have your back. These are your family of choice, the people who you bring into your life because they’ve proven to be good and kind and caring. Focusing on finding good friends and building solid, supportive social circles will help ease that loneliness you feel. But, I hear you say, that’s not the same as love or sex. And you’re right. But by putting your focus on making friends and building your social networks, you put yourself into a better position to find love – or something close enough to it – without having to jump into the shark tank. Most people find their partners, not through trawling bars or online dating, but through their friends and their activities. By prioritizing friendship – and character, and kindness – you’ll be meeting people who may not be the love of your life, but may be able to introduce you to him. And because these are good friends, people you trust, then the people you meet through them are more vetted and less likely to be the gaping rectal fissures that you’ve encountered before.

Just as importantly: take your time to get to know people before pursuing a relationship with them. While you can’t completely a

t that more conventionally attractive women won’t in the name of finding and keeping a man. Other times it’s because they’re legitimately attracted to large women but society has done a whammy on them; they’re more concerned about what their friends will think than owning their preferences like a goddamn adult. So they’re cool with banging a fat woman on the down-low but are embarrassed to be seen with them romantically.

And just as importantly is the fact that guys are taught that their value is in getting laid as often as possible, with as many people as possible, without getting tied down. Guys will treat you as good enough to screw but not good enough to “wife” because they’ve been taught to treat sex as a commodities exchange. It’s all part of the commodity model of sex, where women supposedly “set the price” while guys are supposed to pay as little as they get away with. So the name of the game becomes “what is the bare minimum I can give to get laid”, not “what do the two of us bring to the table that would make this great for both of us?” Combine that with the contempt guys are taught to have for women and hey, look, it’s why dating can be like dunking your head in a barrel of toxic waste.

So, yeah. You’re dealing with a lot of entitled s

t cultural meme about how being alone is the worst thing in the world. Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. Give yourself the love and healing that you need.

There are sh

birds out there and they are legion. But there are good people too. Finding them can take time and it can be frustrating. Many times, you may feel like you’re doomed to be forever alone. But I will tell you this truth: I have known many people who’ve been in your exact situation. Who’ve been stuck with guy after guy who told them that they were only good enough to sleep with. And you know what? They took their time, they took care of themselves and they found love. Real, genuine, lasting love.

It can be frustrating. It can be heart breaking. It can be infuriating. But love is out there. Just don’t let despair destroy you first.

You’ve got this, F3. You’re stronger than you know. Write back to let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

hole-proof your love-life, taking things slowly and getting to know people makes it easier to weed out the zeros and find the heroes. Finding the guys who are worth your time may take some time, but it’s better to invest those hours and days than it is to latch on to yet another asshat who’s idea of a good time is to shred your soul.

And if you decide to go back to online dating, then choose your apps carefully. Different apps have different cultures and goals. OKCupid and Tinder may be the 800 lb gorillas of online dating, but they’re also more generally oriented towards casual relationships and hook-ups. An app like Bumble that prioritizes women taking the initiative or Hinge, which is more relationship-oriented, may be far more your speed.

But more than anything else: take care of your heart and your soul. Being willing to step away because things are too much isn’t weakness or an admission of failure. It’s recognizing that you are important and that your health and happiness come before any bulls

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 13 year old, in 7th grade. Recently, I wrote an a note to my best friend anonymously in my 3rd period and stuck it in his locker. He read it, and because we’ve been best friends for 4 years, he knew my handwriting and told me he knew it was me…

Not only did I not think about my handwriting, but I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HIS LOCKER COMBO! So he immediately knew it was me. I told him is was a dare so he shrugged it off and we were still hanging out. Then he gave me his number, which is a huge step because he’s not allowed to have girl’s phone numbers, but his parents made an exception for me. So I don’t know whether to ask him out and risk my friendship or not ask him out. I really do like him and we have A LOT in common. I mean, heck, both of us have both of us have all 3 of our electives together. Band, Jazz Band, and Spanish. So IDK what to do…

You tell me…

Crushed Out

DEAR CRUSHED OUT: Honestly, CO, I’m a believer in getting in the habit of owning your feelings for people and being up front about it. Now to be fair: when you’re 13, attraction can feel complicated and weird. Thirteen year olds don’t have a lot of experience on top of the social craziness of junior high and the swirling mass of hormones and your brains changing and maturing. It’s like trying to play chess while riding a rollercoaster at the same time. So you’re not entirely wrong in that confessing your feelings for him might risk your friendship; the teen years are frustrating that way.

But here’s the thing. First of all: you’ve been best friends for years. That’s a pretty solid bond, especially at your age. That makes me think the two of you could pull this off. Second: he gave you his number after he found your note. Something tells me that he didn’t buy your line about it just being a dare. I suspect that he’s low-key trying to tell you he’s kinda into you too. So that’s a positive sign too.

Most importantly though: I think that getting used to telling people you like them instead of hiding it like a deep dark secret will serve you well growing up. Getting in the habit of being willing to act on your feelings early on helps keep you from situations where you’ve had a crush on someone for months or years and now you’re afraid to do anything because you’ve felt this way for so long that it feels like it would destroy you to be turned down. Telling someone you’re interested in them early on or asking them out on a date helps keep you from getting stuck in the middle of wanting to say something but being afraid to. Plus: acting sooner rather than later means that you don’t run the risk of someone else asking them out first.

I’m just sayin’, a whole lotta drama could be avoided if people spoke up about their crushes a lot freaking sooner.

Anyway, I’d suggest telling him you’d like to go out with him and if he’s not interested, hey that’s cool too, nothing’s going to have to change. People will take their lead from how you act. If you don’t act like it’s a big deal, then he won’t treat it like a big deal. And if he says no… well, maybe things will be awkward for a bit, but the two of you can push through that awkwardness and come through as friends on the other side.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you normally do dating advice, but I’ve seen you do marriage advice too.

I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We have three kids together.

Back when he and I were dating, I went to visit him out of town (same town where my parents lived) where he had an internship. He wanted to fool around and we really didn’t have a place to go (he was living with my parents for free during his internship) and so he wanted to fool around in the car. When we finally found an empty dark parking lot, he said he wanted to get in the backseat and I told him specifically that I didn’t want to. My ex had sexually assaulted me in a car, and although I didn’t understand that’s what happened at the time, I told my (then) boyfriend that my ex had been “gross” with me in a car and it made me gross out to mess around. This made my boyfriend snap and he started yelling at me “we better not have come out all this way for nothing!” For various reasons I complied. I was scared of losing him, I didn’t know anything about consent, so I just laid there looking at the ceiling while he helped himself to a hand job from me. I wanted to break up with him, but coming from a very abusive home, I quickly blocked what happened and moved on. And we got married. And our marriage sucked but I got pregnant right away.

Fast forward to 2016 during Trump’s election and I finally have the words for what he did to me and I confront him. We fight for weeks but he owns up to it and apologizes sincerely. On New Years Eve we have sex for probably one out of three times that year and I get pregnant. Things are still rough but my hope is that with everything in the open, a new baby on the way, we can turn over a new leaf. We don’t. Once, when we were going to go see a movie with a couple that he knew (he worked with the girl) we got into a fight and he asked what I wanted to do. Crying, I said, “Please, let’s just go home” Well, he pulls up to the movie theatre, gets out and tells me that the couple will drive him home. 

Then I find out that the girl he is working with is moving away. He and I were always very comfortable with each other having opposite sex friends, and he goes to three different going away parties for this girl. I am exhausted and pregnant, plus I am also childcare for our other kids so I stay home. He tells me he’s a social person and when I come home from work and lie in bed, it’s hard on him. So he goes out. Once, while we were watching a movie on his phone, the girl who left his work is lighting up his phone and it’s almost 10pm. She’s sending text after text. I don’t know what they say. But the next day, I look at the texts. Husband and I have always felt fine with having the password for each other’s phones. Once or twice a week, we’d lose a phone and use the other’s phone to call the missing phone. I’d grab his phone if it was close to look stuff up etc.

I see texts that talk about them having lunch together. Daily. She’s talking about crying because she doesn’t want to leave. He tells her he hopes our daughters grow up to be like her. He talks about feminist theory with her. Etc. Nothing sexual. But he did lie. He told me they rarely spent time together. I pressed him on several details about the time they spent together. He lied. And after I asked a few questions about her (he didn’t know I looked through his phone) the next day, he changed his password of two years.

Once I saw that he changed his phone I told him I had seen their conversations. I told him that he had been lying about how much time they were spending together. I told him to stop texting her.

He didn’t. I caught him replying to a text she sent him about something innocuous. And then magically, she didn’t text him anymore. There were other text convos in his phone with other women. One where he told her he likes having deep conversations and low key flirting, but I can tell that she was trying to keep things friendly so I wasn’t as worried about that.

Here’s the thing. He says he didn’t sleep with the woman who he became glued to while I was pregnant. He says he didn’t have feelings for her but when I press, he doesn’t say she didn’t have feelings for him. But he lied and lied and lied to me about how much time they spent together until I told him I read his texts, and his face turned white. “Believe what you want but nothing happened.” And he was trying to making me feel like I was crazy until I had black and white proof. So I have no idea if he really took it too far with this girl.

There are very, very complicated reasons why I haven’t left, but I need to know, from a guy’s perspective, am I making this too much of a big deal?

- Doubting

DEAR DOUBTING:  I realize that you’ve got complicated reasons why you haven’t left but… Jesus H. Zombie, you really need to leave this guy. Honestly, I think you would be infinitely happier if you’d dumped him when he freaked out at you for not wanting to fool around in a way that triggered memories of having been sexually assaulted. This relationship is profoundly toxic under the most generous interpretation and it’s clearly been getting worse over time.

But hey, that’s not what you’re asking me about. You’re asking me about your husband’s behavior and if you’re blowing things out of proportion.

And honestly? I don’t think you are. Leaving my opinions about whether you should stay married to this guy aside, this is some hinky crap under the most generous of readings. Now, I’m a big believer in the value of close, emotionally intimate friendships, even when they’re between opposite sex friends. If someone is socially inexperienced, this can occasionally cause issues. Because straight men are taught that emotional intimacy is a precursor to (or equivalent to) romantic attraction, and we’re taught that women are the only people we’re allowed to be emotionally intimate with, then this can blur lines. Straight guys will often round up their friendship with women to attraction because… well, we’re actually able to be close with them. It’s not a feeling that a lot of men experience.

There’s also a phenomena known as “work spouses” – people who from an intimate (but platonic) relationship at work. There’s a closeness that can echo a romantic relationship, even when there’s no actual sex or romance involved. But to an outside observer, it could very well seem like they’re an actual couple.

So, under other circumstances, I could see why a really close friendship between a man and a woman could be read as a potential affair or even an emotional affair, even when it’s nothing of the sort.

But these aren’t those circumstances.

First there’s the fact that this has been going on during your pregnancy, at a time when you’re doing all of the work around the house and managing the kids. He’s complaining that your exhaustion is a problem for him because he’s oh so social. That alone is some lousy behavior on his part. Marriage and parenthood are, amongst other things, a series of compromises. Some of those compromises include understanding that when you have kids – and another on the way – then things change. The sex is going to be more infrequent and less involved because nobody’s got the time or the energy. Similarly, socializing is going to take a back seat to child care and household responsibilities. And while it’s good to make time so that you both don’t lose your minds in the process… well, the fact that he’s laying the blame at your feet for not entertaining him after you’ve been working yourself to exhaustion is thoughtless and selfish at best. At worst, it’s contemptuous of you.

The fact that he’s prioritizing his relationship with this woman is telling because it’s coming at a period where he feels he’s not getting his emotional, social and (presumably) sexual needs met. So it seems fairly clear that he’s decided to get those needs met elsewhere.

Now under other circumstances, this could be seen as a smidge selfish but ultimately harmless. But your husband’s behavior isn’t that of someone having a harmless, even slightly flirty friendship with someone he works with. To start with, there’s the contempt he treats you with, including bailing out of the car and declaring that she and her partner would take them home. Then there’s the way he talks with her, sharing intimacy, jokes and the like. This wouldn’t be such a big deal, except for the fact that this is intimacy and closeness that he’s denying to you. He’s neglecting you in order to pursue this relationship with his coworker.

And then there’s the lying. While I’m a believer that even married people have their right to privacy and secrecy from their partners, the fact that he lied to you about the duration and nature of his relationship with her is a pretty big goddamn sign that he knows he’s crossing a line. There’s keeping a secret because you know it would cause unnecessary drama with one’s partner, and then there’s keeping secrets because you know that you’ve breaking someone’s trust. He may not be sleeping with her – and to be honest, I question that – but he knows that what he’s doing ain’t kosher.

This is, of course, compounded by the fact that he’s been texting with other women, including one where he was pretty clearly fishing for more than just conversation. Sure, one can have flirty friendships without compromising a monogamous commitment… but again, this is part of a continuous pattern of behavior on the part of your husband.

But most of all there’s the fact that he’s low-key gaslighting you over this. The insistences that you’re crazy, that you’re overreacting, making too big of a deal of something that’s clearly innocent and moving the goal posts on what “proof” is acceptable all compound his behavior into one giant, toxic sundae.

So, yes, Doubting. This is a big goddamn deal. He may never have put any part of himself into any part of her (and I’m willing to bet that he has), but this is behavior I would be willing to call an emotional affair. If we take his behavior in isolation, then at best, he’s been neglecting you in order to pursue an intimate relationship with someone else. At best. However, we can’t separate it from his history of behavior with you, the contempt he treats you with and the callous disregard for your feelings and the relationship that the two of you share.

So from this guy’s perspective, yeah, you have every right to be pissed about all of this. This is awful, toxic behavior that’s in line with awful, toxic behavior he’s been exhibiting for the duration of your relationship.

This isn’t going to get better. No amount of love, effort or children are going to fix a relationship when one partner has so contemptuously checked out. I’m really hoping that you’re asking for my opinion because you’re looking for a casus belli to finally pull the trigger and leave his ass, Doubting. I hope this is the motivation to de-complicate things because, bluntly, you need to DTMFA and GTFO.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.