DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is going to be a question that has been talked about a lot all over the internet; I’m writing this since I trust your judgement more than random dudes on Reddit or whatever.

I’m a straight/cis geeky guy from Finland (so sorry about my possibly weird English). I’m 27 and a virgin by pretty much any standard — that is, no physical or emotional intimacy with anyone ever.

To offer some background, I’ve always been really passionate about (and successful with) my studies, work and hobbies, but for the longest I had some serious social anxiety and probably also some form of depression (but I never sought help for it); for most of my university years I didn’t even have any friends. In early 2015 I started to seriously work on my social skills and style (your site and book have certainly helped me with this!) and seeing a therapist. It was roughly a year ago when I started getting actual compliments from my friends at work, sometimes from random people in bars etc.

So I thought about trying online dating and created a profile on OkCupid. Around here OKC is basically known as a dating site that’s especially popular among people who care about issues like feminism and social justice, and are generally left-wing/green, and this is why I joined OKC too.

I found lots of people who looked awesome based on their profiles (and who had high match percentages with me), but looking at their questions, I would very nearly always find that I have a serious red flag in my answers: any question about dating virgins or dealing with virginity comes up as a conflict or mismatch.

In my area I found *one* (1) woman who had a fair amount of answers and didn’t seem to consider virginity a deal-breaker, but I had a very low match percentage with her for other reasons.

So my virginity is a huge, huge deal. I should mention that apart from some Muslim immigrants, there are basically no people in my country who abstain from sex for religious reasons, which maybe explains why it’s unheard-of to be a virgin in your 20s, unlike in the US. I was really discouraged by this experience and ended up not messaging anyone.

So what should I do? I’m obviously not going to pick up some random girl from a nightclub who is too drunk to notice that I’m inexperienced, nor would I expect to learn anything from an experience like that. Is it unethical to try to seriously date someone while you’re hiding something that you KNOW would be a dealbreaker if they knew?

Never Been Kissed

DEAR NEVER BEEN KISSED: First of all, I want to give you full credit, NBK: you’re doing everything right. You’ve made a lot of improvements to your life and you’re dealing with some of those emotional issues in the best way possible. So, straight up: congratulations. You’ve made a lot of progress, and you should be proud of what you’ve achieved and the work you’ve been putting in. I want to see you continue to improve, so let’s get you over this particular hurdle.

As is frequently common, I think the problem you’re having is different from the problems you think you’re having, NBK. You seem to be having a lot more issues with things in theory rather than in practice. Right now, you’re letting your impression of how people may react get in the way of taking the plunge and starting some conversations. And hey, I get it; you’ve been living with the idea that being a virgin is shameful for a long time and it can seem like these mismatches are giant dealbreakers. To which I would say… maybe they are. But maybe they aren’t.

Now, before I get too deep into the weeds with OKCupid’s system (which, in fairness, gets tweaked fairly often), let’s talk a little about virginity and disclosure.

First: there’s really nothing shameful about being an older virgin. Most of the stigma surrounding virginity tends to spring from toxic ideas surrounding masculinity – though God knows that women get hit with this too. Some people are late bloomers. Some people had life-circumstances that precluded sex or relationships. A very good friend of mine was a virgin until marriage; he and his wife are deliriously happy and have a horde adorable kids now. Life is nothing if not full of wondrous variety.

But here’s the thing: right now, the only person who’s really getting on your case about your virginity… is you. There’s a lot of self-directed shame here, and I think you’ve absorbed a lot of BS myths surrounding being a virgin. You had a later start than people and that’s fine. Life’s not a race and there aren’t any prizes for being on the left side of the loss-of-virginity bell curve. It’s not going to make that much of a difference in your relationships; everyone starts from the same place, and any relationship is a learning process. Your lack of experience is only going to be as much of a detriment as you let it be. Even when it comes to the physical side of things, as long as you’re willing to listen, take directions and be as mindful of your partner’s pleasure as your own, you can still be an amazing lover.

So should you tell people? Or should you conceal it?

As a general rule, I’m pro-disclosure. If there’s something about you that might be polarizing – which could be anything from severe food allergies, to having kids, to being in an open relationship, to whether you have herpes – then yes, I usually suggest being up front about it and mentioning it so that people can make informed decisions about whether or not they may want to date you.

However!

I’m also conscious that stigma is a thing and can often cause people to recoil reflexively from folks who might be a great partner if the first person didn’t have that knee-jerk reaction. So while I’m pro-disclosure, I tend to give a certain amount of wiggle-room. I don’t necessarily feel that everything needs to be disclosed up front. I think that it’s not unreasonable, especially on the first or second date, to not bring things up that aren’t immediately relevant. That’s not to say that you get carte blanche to hide it or lie about it or never bring it up… but to my mind, it’s not unreasonable to give someone the chance to get to know you before they make their decision about said issue. Obviously, you do disclose to them – you want to give them the option to decide whether to continue seeing you or not – but sometimes getting to know a person helps break through the stereotype of “People who do/have X are all like this!” Or it might help them realize that said deal-breaker isn’t quite as important in the scheme of things with this particular person.

So, I don’t think that you’re committing any great sin by leaving the fact that you’re a virgin off your dating profile. You have my blessing to ditch all your answers and start over.

One of the nice things about OKCupid’s questions is that you can skip them if they’re likely to decrease your match percentages.

I think that if you want to hold off on talking about your virginity until you and your date have had a chance to connect and see if there’s any chemistry, you’re well within your right to do so. Just remember: when you do bring it up, don’t roll it out like it’s something awful that you’re ashamed of. It’s not a drawback, it’s a bonus. Like I always say: people tend to take their cues about issues from you. If you present it as no big deal – hey, you were focused on school! – then 9 times out of 10, they won’t treat it like a big deal either. And the 1 out of 10 who does have a bad reaction? They’ve shown that they were someone you didn’t want to be dating in the first place. They learned one thing about you and you learned everything about them.

But let’s talk about those matches you haven’t been messaging. See, one of the things about OKCupid’s match percentage calculations is that people can weight their responses. They can say that an issue is Very Important, Somewhat Important or A Little Important. The heavier they weight their answer, the more it subtracts from your match percentage. So if you have a high match score with someone, but your questions about sexual experience don’t line up? It’s pretty clear that these issues don’t rank so highly in their list of Must-Haves that it throws you out of the running. For all you know, they very well may be thrilled by the idea of being somebody’s first… but now you’ll never have a chance to find out because you decided that they could never be into you.

So whether you do or don’t change your answers, don’t let your pre-suppositions about how other people will react keep you from taking a chance. If you never ask anyone out, you’ll never find the awesome people who aren’t concerned with how many people you have or haven’t slept with.

TL;DR – If you want to leave out that you’re a virgin, then go ahead. But your virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, and you really shouldn’t let your fear keep you from simply trying to start those conversations.

Good luck, NBK. And write back to let us know how things are going for you.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a freshman (19 years old) at a small American liberal arts college. So far, college life has been going really well for me; I’m making friends, engaging myself academically, and doing extracurriculars. But there’s still something I can’t figure out.

I never dated in high school, and I can’t get myself to ask anyone out here at school either. I guess a lot of it comes from a pathological desire not to be creepy; since I can’t be 100% sure that girls are interested in me, I don’t want to ask anyone I know out. Making people uncomfortable is the last thing I want to do.

I’m a little worried. It seems like lots of people are really sexually active; like everyone I know but me is getting it on all the time. Does the fact that I haven’t engaged anyone romantically yet mean that I’m somehow a bad person or that I need help? My college does offer free therapy, but I’d feel bad using that resource if it takes time away from those who need it more than I do. I guess I’m just confused and a little worried about my future, in terms of sexuality and romantic stuff.

Slightly Worried College Kid

DEAR SLIGHTLY WORRIED COLLEGE KID: First of all, SWCK: use the resources you have available to you. College can be a confusing, stressful time. Most people are out on their own for the first time and that can leave a lot of people feeling lost and adrift. Those counselors are there specifically to help you unpack these issues and develop the skills to navigate this strange new world you’re in. So don’t hesitate to take advantage of them – especially now when it’s free.

Second: aside from having some needless anxiety, there’s really nothing wrong with you. Like I was telling Never Been Kissed: the fact that you don’t have much relationship experience doesn’t mean anything other than “you don’t have much relationship experience,” and that’s not a bad thing. Some folks come to it later than others. I didn’t lose my virginity until well into my sophomore year, so you’re hardly the last American virgin.

And something to keep in mind: college isn’t the all-encompassing sex-fest that a lot of people think it is. It sure as hell can feel like it, especially when you feel like you’re being left out of the party. But the fact you’re not neck deep in strange doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you or that you’re the only person who’s not taking part.

But let’s talk creepers for a second. There’s nothing creepy about wanting sex, nor is there anything creepy about asking somebody out on a date, even if you’re not 100% sure they’re into you. You have to use your best judgement and take a chance. And if you get shot down… well, it stings, but it’s not the end of the world. Plus: part of the way you learn to read people and develop your ability to tell who’s into you and who isn’t is by asking and seeing who says yes and who says no.

I’ve covered the topic of creepers in almost exhaustive detail at this point, but there’s a fairly simple way to avoid being creepy: just be mindful of the person you’re talking to. And if you realize you’re making someone uncomfortable, then just apologize and adjust your behavior accordingly. I talked about how you can avoid creepy behavior on a recent episode of the podcast, so go give it a listen.

So talk to your counselors about your anxiety, and go out and be social. You’ll be just fine.

I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Last fall I moved across country for school. I met a girl in my class and we were getting along fairly well. We would often talk during class and occasionally text outside of class. Christmas break came and we both went off to be with our families. During my travels home I saw something that I know she would like so I took a picture and sent it to her. She replied back saying that I was officially her best friend. I was okay with this because at the time I didn’t really have any friends having just moved there. A few days before New Year’s I saw that a band we both liked was coming to a venue near our school. I texted her to ask if she wanted to go and she declined “saying she would be out of town.” I found this strange knowing that we would be in class then but chucked it up to her getting the dates wrong. She did in fact go on the trip just a few weeks later. At this point though I thought things were still good between us.

Here is where they start to get murky. After New Year’s but before we went back to school I sent her a text asking if she was enjoying her break. Now sometimes it would take her a few days to respond to a text but she always did. Except this time she didn’t. I saw her in class the following week for only one day (we are in different sessions so we only see each other once or twice a week). She came in and sat down by me and we talked for a few minutes before class started. At that time I began working on a project that had to do with our respective future careers and texted her to see if she wanted in on it. Days go by and no response but I see her in class the next week and she says sorry for not getting back to me and that I should text her the details. I do this but once again she doesn’t respond. She then starts sitting away from our small little group of friends we had. This goes on for a few weeks before I finally decide to just talk to her cause I thought “hey she’s my friend.” We talk and everything seems fine and normal, we even do our thing where we communicate just with looks during class. She also told me at this time that she had been very busy so I figured that’s why she hadn’t gotten back to me on the project.

It’s now about the end of January and we are in class together. During the break I try to talk to her and she seems to be a bit cold and distant. I don’t force the issue and at the end of class simply say good bye. This was the last time we talked. She is being her normally friendly self with other people but she seems to be avoiding me.

At this point I think I should tell you about something I found out about her. After our January class finished she took her short weekend trip and posted a picture of where she was on Instagram. I liked the picture and then searched something that she had tagged and found her tumblr page. On her tumblr page I noticed that she had a lot of similar interests to me, even more than I thought, in fact it almost seems like we are in some ways very much the same. I also noticed that she would post things about getting hurt, feeling alone and wishing she was beautiful. I wanted, and still do, to tell her that I think she is the wonderful, beautiful person but I didn’t know how to say “hey I was creeping on your tumblr page the other day and blah blah blah.”

So, just this past Monday when I got to class the seat by her was empty and I took it. I said hi to everyone and she just ignored me. Another guy from our friend group asked if she had any big plans for V-day weekend. She said something like how she was expecting to get a lot of date options and she would totally be doing something. It sounded sort of sarcastic and coupled with the fact that she had posted on her tumblr a few weeks earlier about how she often faked being happy on the outside and hurting on the inside makes me almost certain she was being sarcastic. This was of course enforced when just two days ago she said that she would be spending her V-day slow dancing in her room with a mop.

Anyways last Wednesday I for some reason, basically I missed her and wanted to talk to her sent her the following text “Hey (her name), I know we see each other all the time but it seems like we haven’t talked in a while and I just wanted to say hi.” She never responded. Saw her in class this past Friday and once again she ignored me. Friday night she removed me from her Facebook friends. I see her again in class in a few days I don’t know what to say or do.

I want to tell her so much, about how I understand her feelings of loneliness and giving parts of yourself to people and them just hurting you but then I think that if she doesn’t even want to acknowledge me she surely doesn’t want anything from me and it hurts. I want to tell her how beautiful I think she is and that I want her to be truly happy. We have so much in common and I was so happy when she said we were gonna be best friends. I feel like I’ve done something to hurt her but I can’t figure out what it is.

I just don’t know what to do.

Bewitched and Bewildered

DEAR BEWITCHED AND BEWILDERED: Long story short BB: You were seriously overestimating the level of friendship the two of you had. A text like “You’re officially my best friend” is (almost always) friendly teasing hyperbole, not a declaration of intent.

(Granted, this can be dependent on the individual’s personality, but you can take this as a fairly reliable rule of thumb.)

You seem like the sort of person folks sometimes refer to as a golden retriever of a man – full of enthusiasm and good intentions but not quite aware of just how that enthusiasm and intentions are coming across. Part of this means that you missed signs that she was trying to give you the brush-off without saying so. Taking longer and longer to respond (if she does at all) and sitting away from you and the group are all ways that she was trying to ease away without having an awkward “hey, let’s not” conversation. It’s not the greatest or most helpful way of getting the message across, but it’s something lots of folks do and part of social calibration is learning how to recognize those signs.

In all likelihood, she either found you to be exhausting or – like Dazed and Confused from last week and Private Number the week before – she got the “I wanna date you” vibe from you and wasn’t interested. It’s impossible to tell without crawling into her brain and poking at the squishy bits and, ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. People can decide to set their limits where they choose and she clearly decided she wasn’t interested in being Facebook friends with you.

(It could well be that she saw that you’d been poking through her Instagram and Tumblr and got the stalker vibe. If so… well, now you know what not to do next time)

So what do you do about this? I hate to say it, but you accept her wishes and just let her do her thing. It’s sweet and all that you feel like you understand her after reading her Tumblr but believe me the last thing you want to do is tell her all these things about her that you got from stalking her social media profile.Doesn’t matter that she’s put it out there for people to read; Tumblr is often a place folks try to work through their feelings semi-anonymously, not for potential suitors to glean tricks for winning their hearts. Doubly so if her posts are more mopey-college-poetry rather than true confessions of depression and the like.

Sorry dude. Best thing you can do is take some lessons from this and slow your roll for next time.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As a 21 year old college male that never gets laid, I have all the time in the world to think about random stuff. This is something that I was just thinking about recently: Why are men expected to pay for everything on the first date? Now I’m not saying that all or even most women expect men to pay for everything, I’m saying that there’s at least enough women out there that do expect it or for it to be a thing to think about.

Personally for me, I don’t think men should have to pay for everything on the first date. It should be 50-50. It just doesn’t make logical sense to me to HAVE to give a stranger that I probably spoken to once or twice before hand, a free meal, entertainment, transportation, etc., just to get to know them and have a good time. If it was something that I wanted to do, that’s fine and that’s on me, but to be required or expected to do it is silly in my mind. It makes me feel as if going out on a date with them is intruding their day and I should pay for the time I used.

The reason why I write you is not just for the reason why men are expected to pay but also if a man should pay or not in general.

sincerely,

CheapCheep

DEAR CHEAPCHEEP: Logic has nothing to do with it.

The tradition of dating as we know it is a very recent phenomenon; it’s barely over a hundred years old. Most courtship rituals, even in Western societies, tended to be more formal or rules-clad affairs and tended to be conducted in the homes of the folks involved.

The other thing to keep in mind is that men for the most part were expected to be the providers; this tended to be equal parts social mores (and beliefs about women’s capabilities for work, intellect and the belief that women were supposed to be stay-at-home child-rearers) with the fact that through most of history, women didn’t have the resources or opportunities for economic emancipation and self-reliance. Hell, women in the US couldn’t have their own bank accounts until the 1960s and the Equal Credit Act – which gave women the right to apply for credit without requiring a male cosigner – was only passed in 1974.

Then you mix in the ideas of a commodity model of sex, where guys paying for dates was seen as “obligating” women to put out… 

So, long story short: the expectation of men paying on dates is born out of tradition based out of patriarchal sexism and really dodgy ideas about sex.

Now about who should pay for a date: that’s fairly simple. First date, the person who did the inviting pays. Next date, the other person can pay, or they can go half-and-half. If you’re meeting for drinks, you can alternate rounds; you get the first round, she gets the next, etc. There’re relatively few women these days who believe that men should pay for everything and they tend to be very traditional. 99.999% of women in general will offer to pay at least half while on the date. It’s up to you to decide whether to allow it, but it’s generally considered polite to do a back and forth of “I couldn’t possibly/ no I insist”.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

(Doctor’s Note: Today’s column involves the generalized discussion of sexual assault.)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Before I start I feel like I should have a trigger warning. That’s the polite thing to do, isn’t it? Well here it is, sexual assault, toxic people and whatnot. I should probably also clarify that this isn’t about personal love or sex or dating, I only care for this person as a platonic friend. Never the less, I’ve held this in for a time and have no people to vent to. Don’t know if my experience will be useful to anyone, or if you’ll have anything useful to say, but it’d feel good to have it out there.

Starting from the beginning I met these two people at approximately the same time, when I started university. One was a guy and future assaulter, let’s call him M, who I became very close friends with. The other was a woman, A, who I never became friends with but who was a pleasant acquaintance. We three, and a few others, became close knit and would often hang out and do stuff together.

The first year went… okay. Pleasant even. Never really got terribly close with A, not for trying however. She did always seem to busy or suspicious to want to hang out one on one together. This didn’t bother me, I was not attracted to her and though she was a good conversationalist who I would like to know better, I respected her wishes. She was also very… pleasing? Anxious? It is hard to explain… a certain air about her that was and is a result of past trauma.

Unbeknownst to me however was that during the spring, close to the end of the term, she was assaulted, (possibly raped, never asked), by M’s friend, whom I had no relation with. On top of that, during the summer break when I was away, M too did something (wouldn’t tell, didn’t ask) which have led to PTSD-adjacent symptoms in A.

The second year was very rough for me. Due to a multitude of reasons I became depressed, which caused my friends to reach out for me, which in turn made me even more depressed (M has a hard time respecting boundaries, and refused to leave me alone). All this culminated in me breaking of contact with all my friends and taking a break for six months. When I came back and reinitiated contact with everyone, A opened up to me, telling me that she had a falling out with our group (due to M) as well as everything mentioned above.

I believed her and kept in contact. Nowadays we talk about family, boundaries, love and her past, as well as perfectly casual and normal stuff. Though she is cautious and doesn’t tell me when she is uncomfortable, I have a good enough read on her that it isn’t much of a problem, and I’ve helped her set boundaries and other stuff too. This sometimes makes me feel more like her therapist than her friend, and it is draining to me.

I can’t really see M as anything other than a misinformed dude, who I’ve known had toxic ideas about sex (the dude literally can’t stop talking about his penis.) and though A still cares about our mutual friends M being around constantly drives a wedge between any relationship they may have.

I am no longer friends with M (thank goodness), but our mutual friends have no idea what happened. Any insinuation that M might not be such a good guy is met with resentment. Even though it has been six months since I came back this still eats away at the back of my mind! What can I do to adjust to my situation? What can I do to be friends with A without having to constantly keep a birds eye view over our relationship? And what can I do to support her and help her develop? Is there any other site which could help me better than a well meaning dating coach in a very awkward situation?

Thanks for listening 

Confused, Concerned and Exasperated

DEAR CONFUSED, CONCERNED AND EXASPERATED: There’re a few things going on here, CCE.

First: it sounds to me like you’re the only person that A can open up to about all of this. Right now, A’s trying to stay in contact with her friends… but doing so means that she also has to be around the guy who assaulted her. Possibly both of them. To make matters worse, they’re still valued members of the social circle, which means that she may not feel like she can talk to anyone else in the group about it. If your friends push back against any indication that M might be anything less than an upstanding guy, then that leaves A feeling lost and isolated, on top of the shame that comes from having been the victim of sexual assault.

Yeah that shame may be pure, unadulterated bulls

t – it’s the fault of M (and M’s friend), not hers – but society is incredibly awful to victims of sexual violence. We tell women over and over again that they’re at fault because boys will be boys, whatcanyado? So right now, you may be the only person who A feels safe around.

And honestly, that says a lot of good things about you.

Second: Yeah, it can be a little exhausting to be the only person someone can rely on – especially when that person is dealing with some legitimate trauma, and doubly so when you’re still recovering from trauma of your own. Very few people talk about the emotional burnout that people in care-taking roles go through, even when those forms of care-taking are long conversations about issues like boundaries and assault. That’s a heavy topic and it weighs on a body. It can be important that you take care of yourself and get a break, and that you have friends that you can decompress and relax with. It’s important for you to spend time with people who care about you, people who you can let your guard down around and not have to be in charge of their emotional state.

Third: you need to remember that you’re NOT a therapist. You’re being a good friend to A, but she needs help that you aren’t equipped to provide. What I’d strongly recommend is that you gently encourage her to talk to a counselor or therapist, especially someone who works in issues relating to sexual trauma. It sounds like you’re in college, which means that you have access to counselors; that may be a good place for A to start, if she hasn’t already. If A doesn’t already have a counselor or doesn’t feel comfortable talking to someone connected to the school, then it may help to point her towards RAINN’s National Sexual Abuse Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE or online.rainn.org. Even though the assaults happened months ago, RAINN has operators who can help A, let her know what her options are and assist her in recovering. It’s completely anonymous and if she’s uncomfortable talking with them over the phone, they have online chat options as well.

Fourth: Whether M is misinformed or not doesn’t change what he did. The fact that he’s “not good with boundaries” or “can’t stop talking about his penis” doesn’t change the fact that he assaulted your friend. Talking about how someone “didn’t understand” only ends up downplaying what he’s done and just serves to isolate and alienate A further. He doesn’t get to skate under “being awkward”. A lot of predators use “I’m just awkward” as an excuse to try to get out of trouble. It’s bulls

t when they do it and it’s bulls

t when M does it. Don’t buy into that.

Fifth: Let A be the one to decide what she wants to do regarding M and M’s buddy. Right now, it doesn’t sound as though she’s told anyone else about what’s happened, and that’s understandable. As I said: there’s a lot of shame and stigma involved in being the victim of sexual assault, and being outed to the group could very well just re-traumatize her. It’s A’s story to tell and A’s decision to make and she needs to make the right decision for her. The best thing you can do is support the choice she makes.

I’m deeply sorry for what’s happened to A, and for the pain it’s causing you as well. It’s a horrible situation and you’re being the friend she needs right now, which is admirable. But it’s important to realize that you have a responsibility to yourself too. Don’t hurt yourself trying to help your friend. That doesn’t help anyone. Give the care and support that you can to A… but see if you can guide her to the help she needs, too.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve put together a profile that represents me well and that women seem to like. I get matches and messages from people who seem really cool. The problem is, I can’t sustain a conversation. I get two or three exchanges, maybe half a dozen, and they just vanish. It’s pretty clear to me that I have no idea what people want to hear.

I promise I’m not being creepy. I’m probably just being boring. I think I’m asking pretty reasonable ‘get to know you’ questions. “Are you from here? What do you think of this town?” “I’m excited about this plan I have, what are you up to?” “You like this genre of music. Do you know this artist? You’re in for a treat. (or You do? You’re cool!)”

I try to express an interest in their lives, while showing that I also have an interesting life. It’s not working, and I really don’t have any idea why. I don’t even enjoy getting a match anymore, as I know how exactly what is going to happen. I’ve been at this all year and only had one date out of at least 30 matches.

I know teasing is an important part of flirting. But I can’t do it. I’m way too genuine. I don’t even talk smack with my closest friends, and I don’t know why I’d want to. One woman I dated suddenly exclaimed “Oh! You don’t know when I’m BS’ing you!” and vanished shortly after. Is this my problem? Do people want to hear BS from a stranger they want to like?

I’m pretty well stuck, and it’s taking it’s toll on my confidence. How can I learn to do this better? Are there transcripts of conversations I could study?

Bumble Fumble

DEAR BUMBLE FUMBLE: One of the issues with dating apps is there’s a lot of noise obscuring the signal, BF. Even on apps where women make the first move like Bumble, there’re a lot of folks who are functionally clogging up women’s messages with crap. Even if we set aside the deluge of dick-picks, the guys who ask for sex by the second message and the unwelcome objectification, there’s a plethora of purposeless texts and messages that send the message that this person isn’t worth her time. The classic example are the messages that start up as “‘sup?”, or “what’re u up to?” but even more involved questions can turn people off.

The common denominator in all of these messages is simple: they’re boring. Boredom is the universal sin when it comes to communicating with people you’re interested in – whether you’re texting after having gotten her number or whether you’re messaging her on Tinder or Bumble. And I’m going to be honest with you BF: if the samples you shared are what you’ve been sending to you matches… well, they’re about as exciting as dry toast. The problem is that there’s no zing or spark there. The first two come off as generic, potential copy-pasted messages that get shotgunned to everyone. The third is just… there. I mean, it does give at least an indication that you’ve read their profile, but honestly there’s not much for a potential match to sink her teeth into.

There are two important factors when it comes to sending a message that people will respond to on a dating app.

First, you want to make it clear that you’ve read their profile and you’re not swiping on every profile that you come across.

Second: you need to give them something they will want to respond to. 

This means that you need to engage them on an emotional level; you want to give them something that provokes their interest and tickles the part of their brain that makes them want to know more. So instead of just saying “hey, here’s what I’m doing this weekend,” work off of something from their profile. Find ways to relate to it and show that you two have something in common. For example, do they have things that you can mutually geek out over? That kind of “you love this? I LOVE THIS TOO! LET’S BOND OVER HOW AWESOME THIS IS”, for example, is one way to get the conversation started. “Hey, you dig $BAND? That’s crazy, they were my first concert ever. That was the first time I ever went and got in a mosh-pit before and it was intense! What about you?”

Alternately, can you share something that might make them laugh? Maybe you can share a silly story about something that happened involving a shared interest you two have? Or, for that matter, can you make up something that’s clearly absurd and over the top but will make them laugh and want to play along?

This is part of why teasing is often – not always, just frequently – a component of flirting; it’s a way of engaging people on an emotional level and having some fun together. Now that’s not always somebody’s particular shot of whiskey, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t find other ways to get people in the feels. Teasing, joking and being silly doesn’t require you to not be genuine, nor does it require you to talk s

t. All it means is that you’re gently prodding someone but in a way that says “I like you”.

Now, if you’re having a hard time catching when someone’s joking with you, you may want to ask. Of course, even that can be made into a joke; after all, there are hordes of “not sure if serious” memes out there that get the message across without making you sound like Johnny NoFun.

TL;DR: your biggest problem is that your messages are dull and uninteresting. Find ways to engage with people that hits some positive feelings – humor, cuteness, interesting or ‘cool’ stories – and you’ll start having far more success. Save the “getting to know you” questions until you’re in person. And even then, try to avoid coming across like you’re interviewing them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)