DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have long struggled to connect with others in a meaningful way. I do have plenty of friends and people who like me, but I’ve always longed for something else, and I never knew why. I am married, good job, etc, and I still have felt alone. I do indeed have issues with depression, but it’s more than that.

After a year of therapy, I finally realized, with the help of my doctor, that I’m on the very high functioning end of the autism spectrum, and everything makes sense now. I’ve always longed not to feel differently from everyone, I’ve become very anxious when emotionally overwhelmed, and I do a lot of the things that people say spectrum folks do, even down to the obsession with trains stereotype.

Anyway, not asking for help with depression really. And unlike many who write in, my life externally is fine.

The problem is that suddenly so much of my behavior makes sense and makes me upset when I think about it. (I should note, in 2018, I am not at all talking about abuse or anything of the sort, before speculation occurs.)

I spent so much time aping the people around me out of a desperate desire to be accepted. Everyone always told me not to care what others thought, but I always felt so alone that just not caring didn’t feel like an option. I know now that I did much of this because the utter inscrutability of subtle human emotions was just a genetic (or whatever) quirk rather than a character flaw like I always thought.

Because I always went to class, did my homework, did well on tests, no one ever really noticed I struggled internally, so no one, not even my family, picked up on it (or maybe my family has the same stuff going on so I seemed the same).I did a lot of little things that looking back made people uncomfortable (women, sure, but men too), like standing too close, talking a little too loud, not really being very good at the right level of eye contact. Whenever I was told I was annoying someone (which happened a lot), I was ashamed and apologized immediately. Eventually, I learned I can fake it. I do well in job interviews, and I’m actually a teacher (to adults), and a good one. I’m getting a terminal degree. I am loved

Yet I can’t stop thinking about how I spent decades thinking I was an annoying boy that a lot of people didn’t like because there was something wrong with me when I was just wired a little different and that that was okay.

I will continue to work this out in my sessions and my sessions will help me figure this out for the future. But how do I reframe my past, really my entire past since about second grade? With this new news, I think of it as a time when I could have known I was just a little different and come to terms with it but instead was teased and shunned by many, spent far too much time with people who didn’t treat me well because I wanted their acceptance, and have only just recently come to a point where I like myself.

I just sort of feel like I was robbed of the chance to grow up feeling happy. I’m not dead yet, I’ve got some decades left, but that’s a lot of time I wish I could get back. Any thoughts as to how I can reframe my past?

Wasted Years

DEAR WASTED YEARS: This is a topic that comes up a lot for folks, WY: you’ve had X many years where there was this important piece of the puzzle missing from your life. Now that you’ve found that missing piece, you’re looking back at your life and thinking “My God, look at all these missed opportunities! Look at these things I never got to do because I was missing this piece! Look at all these mysteries that now make sense! What I could’ve done if I’d just known this sooner!”

That missing piece is going to vary for everyone. For some people it’s a critical diagnosis of a chronic condition – they’re just now learning that they had a health issue that nobody recognized at first. For some, it’s a revelation: this relationship was toxic or abusive and it’s affected how they see themselves or interact with others. For still more people it’s learning how to socialize or meet people more effectively; now they’ve improved themselves, they’re finally able to date the way they always wanted to.

For me, one of my missing pieces was finally being diagnosed with depression. When I accepted that diagnosis – which took some time, because people still don’t always take mental health issues seriously – I was able to look back on so much my life with new eyes. Suddenly so much of how I lived, behaved and felt made sense. I’d pushed people away, isolated myself and limited myself because of a condition that I’d had. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t trying hard enough or that I didn’t have the mental fortitude to push through, it was that there was a neurological problem that needed medical intervention before I started getting things under control.

At first, it was liberating: Oh my God, for the first time in my life, I actually have self-worth! I don’t feel completely hopeless! The world isn’t just one giant gray haze that apparently only affects me. I can actually do things instead of wondering what the point of it was! But hard on the heels of that revelation was OH MY GOD, look at everything I missed out on because of this! Look at how many chances I had to do things, to meet people, to have friends, to have a life. I could have been happy. I could have enjoyed being alive.

And y’know, at first, I really resented it. I resented the fact that it took this long for me to get an answer as to why I was so different and why life sucked for me in ways that it didn’t seem to for other people. I resented the frustration of knowing that I was living a life of privilege and yet still felt like ten pounds of ass in a five pound bag. I was bitter about how long it took to get an answer, longer to get a treatment and even longer to get through it all.

So many wasted years. So many missed opportunities. So much wasted potential.

But here’s the thing: I can’t do anything about any of that. I don’t have a flux capacitor, I don’t have a TARDIS, a Time Turner or anything else. I can’t go back in time and change things, and even if I could… well, that would change who I am now, and I like who I am now. But what I can change is how I interpret my past. Yeah, it would have been great if I could’ve gotten this sorted out earlier, but you know what? I still got there. I got my missing piece. I got my answer. I got that x-factor that made so much of my life finally make sense to me. And in reframing it from “look at what I missed out on” to “hey, I finally got my answer”, I was able to find acceptance. Because I may not be able to change my past, but I can take that answer, that missing piece and change my present. I can change my future. 

That’s where you are now, WY. Yeah, there was a long, long time where you felt like an alien or an outsider. You had so much in your life that didn’t make sense and you didn’t know why. You felt like you were always doing something wrong, like you were just screwing up something that came so naturally to everyone else. But now you know: it was just this quirk of who you are. Nobody realized it, nobody knew about it but it was always there. And now that you know: it all makes sense. You know more about yourself than you did before. You understand yourself in ways you never could before. Like wizards of old, you have discovered it’s True Name and now you have power over it.

And it sucks that you can’t go and give yourself that knowledge when you were younger. But you have that answer now. That knowledge and understanding can scratch that itch of “why was I so different, why was everything so difficult.” It’s like getting the last bit of music that finally gets that song out of your head. And you’re able to take that knowledge and reshape your life now and in the future. You have the power to take control of things more fully and more completely and direct your life in the ways you want it to go. You may have missed chances to be happy when you were younger, but you can have it now.

Your past isn’t what you wish it could be. But your present and future can be. Reframe your past: you were working from incomplete information. Now you’ve got that information. You got that missing piece of the puzzle. And now you can move forward the way you always wish you could have.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all I’d like to thank you for the amazing job you do, it’s certainly helped me a great deal in the past. I used to struggle to make any meaningful friends (sorta kinda got through high-school and most of uni with a lot of acquaintances and one very good friend). Now though, thanks in no small part to you, people keep telling me they feel like they’ve known me for years when in fact it’s been weeks or months. I guess that’s a good thing – or it means I’m so catastrophically boring that time spent with me seem reeeeeeeeaaally long. I’ve convinced myself of the former, and I’m pretty happy with where I’m at, and constantly working to improve.

On to the question – I moved to a new city recently (from one side of the world to the other), and was facing the scariest thing anyone with nerd(ish) tendencies can face: rebuild a social life from scratch, without knowing a soul in the place you’re going to. I got lucky and am working with an astonishing group of people. It really feels like I am going to see friends every day I go to work. Even after almost a year, I can’t believe my luck. However, work is still work and I really wanted to build up something not connected to work. So I did the second most scariest thing that someone with my disposition can do: signed up for dance classes, and then forced myself to go.

The dance I chose was Swing, and I’m ever so glad that I did because it’s been amazing. The thing is, I signed up to meet people and make friends. I most certainly didn’t want to be the dude who hits on everyone at dance class. However, as it turns out there are quite a few amazing women in class and at workshops and at socials. And once you’ve gotten to the point of being able to ask them for a dance, talking to them really isn’t a big deal so dancing has been a huge help in that regard.

On one hand maybe one day I’d like to date someone I meet at a social, workshop, class etc. On the other, I still don’t want to be that guy… Rejection doesn’t bother me much beyond a slight twinge of disappointment, but I go dancing three or four times a week and I’d really rather not have every potential dance partner in the room go “oh great, wonder who he’s gonna hit on this time?” whenever I show up to the social. When I ask someone to dance, it’s because I’d like to dance and not because I have some ulterior motive. I worry a bit that if I get a reputation like that, it’ll make everyone who dances with me uncomfortable, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

So… advice? Is it socially acceptable to ask someone whom you’ve met dancing a few times and clicked with on a date? Or ist it a big no no?

Thanks for your help, and keep up the amazing work! 

To Date or Not to Date

DEAR TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE: First of all TDoNtD: congratulations on the work you’ve put in and the life you’ve built for yourself. That takes a lot of courage and dedication, and you should be proud of what you’ve achieved.

So let’s talk about how to meet women within your social circle without being a creep. Now the good news is that you’ve already taken the correct first step: you’re going to swing class to learn how to dance, not just to get laid. You’re meeting people, learning some interesting new skills and becoming a cooler, more social person in the process. That’s great… and that’s also what makes you different from someone who’s just there to try to bang his way through the attendance record.

See, the thing that people dread at events like these isn’t someone who joins the group and maybe asks somebody out if there happens to be some chemistry. They’re worried about the guy who treats swing class like a “target rich environment” and who’s going to hit on people relentlessly. The guy who’s been around and integrated himself into the scene, gotten to know the social “rules” of that particular group and generally merged in seamlessly is going to be seen differently than the guy who cruises around like a horny shark that tries to take a bite out of anyone who looks vaguely tasty.

Let’s say that you’re dancing with someone. They make you laugh, you think they’re pretty alright themselves and you two get along like a house on fire. You’re interested in seeing if maybe there’s a bit more there, so you ask them out on a date. Maybe they say yes and hey, awesome. Maybe they say no and you say “OK, no problem” and continue treating them like you had before. That’s not going to get you a reputation for hitting on people relentlessly.

But let’s say you’re there on your first day and you hit on someone you’re dancing with. They turn you down and now you’re trying your luck again with another person that same night. Or even the next night. Every time you show up, you’re asking somebody out for drinks, for dinner, for ten minutes of squishy noises in the back seat of your car. That is going to get you a reputation as someone who’s just there to get laid and you’ll run out of dance partners very quickly.

So relax, TDoNtD. You’re going about this the right way. If you’ve got chemistry with someone then feel free to ask them out and take any potential rejection with grace. Otherwise, just enjoy dancing and meeting people. Don’t treat it like a sex ATM and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I started dating in my early twenties and in that time I learned a lot about who I gel with and who to stay the hell away from. However one thing that I noticed was a common theme:

I kept dating people I wasn’t really attracted to.

I felt that I had to “learn and practice” dating with people I didn’t have much interest and that I had to be “good” at it before going for who I really wanted to date. Mostly because whenever I meet someone I’m really attracted to, I always screw it up, get oneitis, self-sabotage, and don’t know how to fix it. It feels like the universe conspires to make sure I don’t get what I want and that I don’t deserve it (which is confusing because it’s not like I’m asking for much or anyways. Just someone who is into books, deep conversations, and is on the nerdier and curvier side of physical looks. I really don’t care if someone is “hot” or “smokin” in the looks department). I think those are fair standards right?

I see my types all over the place so “scarcity” shouldn’t be an issue. If I mess up I can just try again. But the problem is that everything feels out of reach for me and that I have to settle for people I am not attracted to (despite having interests in common for friendship which is nice, but I am looking for something more than just friends.) I never have these problems with people I’m not attracted to, but I’ll have sex with them anyways to get my sexual needs met, and then I feel bad for not giving them my full undivided interest and attention when it comes to dating and then I eventually just fade things off.

Is finding sexual partners I want really just a never ending mirage?

Lowered Expectations

DEAR LOWERED EXPECTATIONS: I love it when people ask me questions that can be answered in one word: No.

Wait, you probably want more than that, huh?

Here’s your issue in a nutshell, LE: you don’t believe you deserve to date someone you’re attracted to. All of the setbacks you describe: self-sabotage, Oneitis, etc? That’s not the universe conspiring against you, LE, that’s you kneecapping yourself. You believe at some level that because you aren’t worthy of dating someone you’re actually attracted to, that you’re going to inevitably get hurt, so instead you blow your chances before they even start; after all, can’t get hurt if you never have a shot in the first place, right?

This also leads to the people you are dating. You feel as though you’re unworthy of the people you’re actually interested in, so you pursue folks who are “safe”; you know that you don’t care about them that much, so there’s no real emotional risk for you. You get your itch scratched with minimal investment on your end; thus, when things fall apart, it’s no great loss to you.

But, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, there a few problems with this outlook. The first is simple: you may be getting laid, but it sure as hell ain’t satisfying. In fact, I suspect that sex with your recent parters feels more like masturbation. Hell, it’s possibly not actually as worthwhile as masturbation; at least that’s sex with someone you love. And I imagine you have noticed that being with these partners – the ones you’re not attracted to – feels almost lonelier than actually being by yourself.

And then there’s the fact that this is pretty damn cruel to the people who have emotionally invested in you. After all, they deserve to have a partner who’s actually into them, just as much as they’re into you, no?

You need to start believing in your own worth, LE. You said it yourself: it’s not as though the people you’re into are an especially rare resource or thin on the ground.  You’re well aware that, should things not work out, there will be other chances for you out there. The thing isn’t that these people are out of your reach, it’s that you won’t let yourself try. It’s not even that you’re making the attempt and failing; you’ve already decided that you’ve failed before you’ve even started.

If you want to actually start dating people you’re into, then you need to take them off the pedestal and – more importantly – stop letting your fears and self-limiting beliefs hold you back.

To quote Oscar Wilde: shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you’ll still be among the stars.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question my seem silly – a few people I’ve talked to certainly told me as much — but I really need some advice here and I figured you may be more objective than friends and family.

A few background info – I am a 30 years-old man that has never been in a relationship before. However, a little more than a year ago, after putting in practice a lot of your tips, I met an amazing woman (let’s call her V) and we’ve immediately clicked. We’ve been dating seriously for a year now and things have been going swimmingly – except for one big problem.

See, V has recently started talking about moving in with me. This make sense, since I’m was planning to moving to a larger apartment anyway next year. However, I have a cat, and V is allergic. In light of this, I was willing to live separately for a while until I don’t have a cat anymore (a terrible prospect I don’t want to think about, but know is inevitable). However, my cat is 10 years old and healthy, and thus he could easily live another decade (fingers crossed). V has made it clear that she isn’t willing to wait that long, and that she wasn’t interested in having a “local long-distance relationship,” as she calls it. She also made it clear that, while she puts up with allergy medication when she visits me, she would not take pills everyday just to live in her own home. So, while she hasn’t outright said it (yet), I’m getting the feeling that what she is telling me is: it’s her or the cat.

The thing is, and I know that makes me a bad boyfriend, if I had to choose right now, I’d choose the cat. I love V, a lot, she is smart and fearless, she makes me laugh, and makes me feel more confident in myself than I’ve ever been. But not only do I also love my cat a lot, I am also responsible for him – when I adopted him as a kitten, I signed up for the long haul. Abandoning him now, after a decade, for someone I met a year ago just makes me feel like a pile of human garbage, no matter how amazing V is. I know he is “just a cat,” as some of my friends and family members have put it, but he is in many ways my baby. (I should also probably note that I’ve lived with cats all my life, but this is the first one I have raised all by myself.)

So what should I do, Doctor? I don’t want to have to choose between my cat and my girlfriend, because each option makes me sick with guilt. Is there a way I can have my cake and eat it too? And if there isn’t, then what should I do?

Sincerely,

Crazy Cat Guy

DEAR CRAZY CAT GUY: This is an easy choice, CCG: pick your cat. This doesn’t make you a bad boyfriend, it makes you a good and responsible pet owner.

Here’s the thing: when you chose your cat – and he chose you – you didn’t buy a toy. You didn’t get some electronic gewgaw that can be tossed aside once you get bored of it. You made a commitment to a living breathing creature who loves you. You are, quite literally, his whole life. And to be perfectly blunt: F

K those people who think “it’s just a cat”. He’s not “just” a cat, he’s family and someone who loves and trusts you. Throwing that aside isn’t just irresponsible, it’s cruel.

Here’s another thing: V knew you had a cat when you started dating. This isn’t something you suddenly sprung on her, nor is it a change you made in the middle of dating her. Your cat has been there for as long as she’s known you. She went into this relationship, allergies and all, knowing that you had a beloved pet. If she went into this relationship thinking that your having a cat was just going to be a temporary thing or something that she could change… well, that’s on her. And if she is the kind of person who’s going to make you choose between your cat and her, then well, you’ll sure miss her.

Because let’s be real here, CCG: anyone who’s worth moving in with would NOT ask you to make that choice in the first place. Someone who’d ask a partner to get rid of a beloved member of their family for him or her is someone who needs to be kicked to the curb alongside this week’s garbage and good goddamn riddance.

(Also: “local long distance relationship”? Or, as the rest of us call it: dating?)

And frankly? Your cat was there first.

I’m sure V’s great, CCG… but it’s pretty clear she’s not right for you. You’re a cat parent. That’s part of who you are. You want someone who loves all of you, not just part of you and thinks the rest is something that can be callously discarded.

Pick the cat, CCG. He’s part of your life… and you’re all of his.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Growing up, I’ve had a leftward political migration. Where as I was a run of the mill, centre-right type with a very poor grasp of politics and the history that goes into it, I’ve migrated more and more towards what might be called the left, as broad and useless as that term is. This is something which is quite rare in guy with my background which is a middle class, upper caste hetero guy who grew up in India during the early 2000s. I went from thinking Nazis were these cool looking villains and having Nazi propaganda poster as my Facebook picture to actually understanding the depth of their barbarity and desperately trying to scrub that from my page. I went from thinking that while feminism was necessary in the past but is now out to destroy video games to realizing that I mostly agree with feminists. I went from being uber-religious to being an atheist. From thinking that free markets solve everything to realizing that the genuine pitfalls of capitalism and a need for social democracy. This will all get important in a bit.

Part of that was the fact that when I was younger (18ish) I was drawn into PUA stuff, which I admittedly just skimmed through instead of reading it thoroughly. But the fact is if you’re repeatedly exposed to something and you don’t make an effort to pushback against that from a skeptical viewpoint, it seeps into your worldview. This all kept building up and as I was conditioned by various experience, I was turning into this “Nice Guy” stereotype, something I was driven away from by reading things like Heartless Bitches International (Which I think should be required reading for anybody complaining about being Friend-Zoned) and books like No More Mr. Nice Guy (which, admittedly, I still haven’t completed, in that I’ve read the book but not followed along with the exercises in it).

But somehow I still was being sucked deeper and deeper into the orbit around The Red Pill, and while I never visited those subreddits I still, on an honest reflection, found that my views and theirs kinda overlap.  I’m nowhere near as misogynistic as them, mind you. It’s that I find myself reading some blogpost from people like Rollo Tomassi and thinking with something quite resembling a deep conviction that women can never love men, not really. That they are all really hypergamous, and any pleasantness on their side is just a facade, a way to get stuff done. This put me in a really dark place in 2017 and was exacerbating the anxiety and depression I already deal with. I thought, when the world’s so bad for those with girlfriends, what’s the chances of a 21 year old fat virgin who does not match the ideals of hegemonic masculinity that are prevalent in my culture.

Thankfully, I found many resources to get through that helped me through that time, I was talked down from that by an uncle who was a player in his 20s, but is single now (in his 30s). I found the ExRedPill subreddit that was massive help, and through them I found things like the works of bell hooks, Mark Manson and you.

And even though I have largely overcome the bad part, I think, I still have this bubbling feelings of anxiety from the residual attitude I have. I still feel hopeless and despondent when I read so many studies about things like “Bad Boy” allure or ones how females are more likely to rate High-T indicators showing males as more attractive while they are ovulating and Lower-T indicators showing males while they are not. I admit, I’m not that well-versed on how to distinguish between a good and a bad study. However, from one statistic class I took I know that bigger the sample size the more confidence one can have on extrapolating it on the general populace. I am also skeptical of studies that seems completely trusting of assumptions baked into their methodologies and aren’t cross cultural.

I’m sure that there is a lot of confirmation bias involved in this. But I don’t know how to get out of this rut in my brain. For all that I have read on gender and socialization, I can’t get behind the outright denial of evo-psych I see so prevalent on the left, even while granting that 90-95% of “research” that comes under the banner of evo-psych are complete bunk. I can’t agree with the assertion that all the differences we see are socially constructed given that there is a ton of research showing how sex differences emerge by a very early age when not a lot of socialization has taken place, but at the same time when someone says something like “It’s all biology” and “There are only two genders”, I can only think of how unbelievably naive they are on this topic. But all of this is besides the point.

The thing is I have better things to focus on than this. In 2017, I put no effort into campus placements because I was struggling with this, and the anxiety it built up. Similarly now, from time to time, I become embroiled in this, fall down the rabbit hole and don’t focus on things that are more urgent, more important, like that fact that I don’t have a job still and am dependent on my parents. The fact that I’m not working hard enough towards my portfolio. The fact that all the friends I had in college are in different cities, the nearest one being a 2 hr metro ride away, and most of which were toxic and performance-based anyway, where only 2-3 of them I can say had any mutual ‘philia’ and I’m not doing anything that would change that.

How can I get past these attitudes so that they no longer cripple me on my path towards self improvement?

Choking on The Red Pill

DEAR CHOKING ON THE RED PILL: Congratulations on pulling away from all the misogynistic crap you’ve been feeding yourself, CTRP; recognizing just how damaging those beliefs and world-views are is an important part of starting to move away from them. Of course, part of what can be difficult in shedding old beliefs is how often they so often play to the part of our selves that want to believe the worst possible outcomes. One of the unfortunate quirks of the human experience is that we have an inherent negativity bias. Our negative thoughts and beliefs have more emotional weight and credence than positive ones; it takes 5 positive experiences to outweigh the effect of one negative one. This is why, for example, it’s easy to dismiss or forget compliments and get so hung up on a single criticism.

It’s also why communities like The Red Pill can be so inviting. Part of what makes things like the pick-up artist community or The Red Pill so appealing to guys is how it plays into the idea that you’re somehow being cheated or screwed over despite being superior. Women are all shallow and obsessed with looks and status, despite having no “value” of their own outside of looks and youth, men who don’t have X qualities have no chance because of a quirk of genetics, so forth and so on. They prey on your frustration and your anger, giving you explanations for your situation that sound plausible but fall apart if you so much as look at them sideways. But because they line up with what you already believe – that you’re plain out of luck, because REASONS – you want to believe them. It stokes your anger at being excluded while also reminding you that your being excluded isn’t fair because you’re better. And now that you see the “real” world – taken the “red pill” – you’re inherently better than those other fools who still think that they have a chance with women by playing into their hands.

Call it the Fight Club effect – Tyler Durden takes men who are disillusioned because the rewards they were promised for being men were never going to be delivered and then claims to have an alternate solution that’s really just “do the same thing as before only HARDER.”  So it is with groups like The Red Pill; you may not measure up to the hegemonic ideas of what a man is “supposed” to be, but if you double down on the system that excludes you, maybe now you’ll finally be rewarded.

Part of why it gets so hard to shake these beliefs is because they become part of your identity. We have psychological defense mechanisms that protect our identity, no matter what… even when there are aspects to ourselves that are hurting us. Even when you know, intellectually, that you’re wrong about something, the fact that it challenges your sense of self makes you double-down. And when you add in quirks like confirmation bias… well, it’s not hard to see why some ideas are hard to shake, even when we know they’re wrong. It’s very easy to find studies that reinforce what you already believe, despite the fact that they’re often badly designed or don’t actually prove what people think they prove. Studies surrounding “bad boys” for example, tend to ignore the fact that part of the appeal is that men who rank higher in the Dark Triad tend to put more effort into their appearance. Other times it’s simply the fact that so-called bad boys are more confident or assertive and actually ask women out. It’s not some innate preference women have to being treated like crap, it’s that douchebags tend to be more proactive.

But that’s not as sexy as “proving” that all you need to get laid is a sneer and a leather jacket.

Like you said: you know how much evo-psych is BS… but it “feels” correct to you because it lines up with what you think is true.

The key to undoing these beliefs isn’t to go on a quest for evidence – that can often trigger the backfire effect. Instead, it’s to start to actually collect actual experience. It’s a lot harder to believe All Women Are Like That, for example, when you start to have real, platonic friendships with women and get to know them as people. You can go around and see the millions of people who don’t follow The Red Pill bullshit and yet somehow have managed to find happy, successful relationships with loving partners. When you make friends with people – actual, emotionally intimate friendships, not just shallow and performative ones – you start to realize just how much crap you’ve been fed and what you’ve been missing all this time.

So here’s what I suggest you do: quit scouring studies, quit falling down algorithmically distorted rabbit-holes and just work on living an amazing life. Put your focus on your education, a job and building a healthy social circle. This will help start to ease that sense of “not measuring up”, that belief that you’re somehow deficient that makes you vulnerable to cons and grifters like the ones you’re trying to get away from. You fill that hole in your life on your own – with friends, with achievements and with passion – and watch how easy it becomes to leave that old part of you behind.

The more you’re living that awesome life, the more you’ll find that happiness, satisfaction and, yes, love, will come to you. As you do, you’ll find those old beliefs start fading away.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Is it a bad idea to reach out to or ask out a girl you found on a dating app through some other online means?

I recently bit the bullet and started trying dating apps for the first time. I was pretty skeptical after the first few weeks of using it, but eventually, I found several women where my first reaction was honestly “WOW. YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND OUTSTANDING.” I had to meet them when I got back home.

In retrospect, I probably should have just started talking to them, But here’s the problem: at the time, I was about to spend over a month out in the field with my Army unit, then go overseas for over two weeks (read: places without good cell phone reception, or at least where I wouldn’t be able to really talk to, let alone meet them in the town where we live). I decided to just quit the app, in hopes that the algorithm would repopulate them later.

Unfortunately, Hinge DIDNT. I even wrote to Hinge tech support and asked them to help a brother out, but they never wrote back. The bastards.

These were honestly outstanding people. My question is, what if I just found them on Facebook/Instagram/LinkedIn/whatever and started talking to them? Do you think that would be BOLD and attractive or would that be stalkerish and weird? And if it really could go either way, do I even have much to lose if I reach out to them? You think there would be negative consequences?

Stay Awesome, 

We Found Love in a Tactical Field Exercise

DEAR WE FOUND LOVE IN A TACTICAL FIELD EXERCISE: In a word: no.

In fact, not just no but HELL NO.

Look at it this way: the fact that I may go to a masseuse for some deep-tissue work on my back doesn’t mean I’m down for some rando coming up and rubbing my shoulders in the grocery store. People who sign up for dating apps are doing so specifically to meet people on that app. Getting an account on Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Match or whatever doesn’t mean that they’re open to being approached on all of their social media. In fact, many women have had dudes try to connect with them on Facebook, Instagram and elsewhere after having turned those dudes down on dating apps. 

That ain’t bold, it ain’t romantic and it ain’t welcome. It’s creepy, it’s stalker-y and it’s as big a glaring sign that you decided to ignore boundaries because hey, you think she’s hot.

It’s a shame that you missed out on the chance to talk to these incredible women… but that was a choice you made. Would it have worked out, considering that you were about to be deployed? No way of knowing. But you decided to not say anything and so the window closed. Hinge – or any other app for that matter – isn’t in the business of connecting you with specific people. If they no longer show up in your feed, well, tough luck dude. You shouldn’t have thrown away your shot.

Now the only thing to do is accept this as a learning experience and go find the amazing women who ARE still around. And this time, actually message them, instead of hoping they’ll still be around later on.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)