DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Growing up, I’ve had a leftward political migration. Where as I was a run of the mill, centre-right type with a very poor grasp of politics and the history that goes into it, I’ve migrated more and more towards what might be called the left, as broad and useless as that term is. This is something which is quite rare in guy with my background which is a middle class, upper caste hetero guy who grew up in India during the early 2000s. I went from thinking Nazis were these cool looking villains and having Nazi propaganda poster as my Facebook picture to actually understanding the depth of their barbarity and desperately trying to scrub that from my page. I went from thinking that while feminism was necessary in the past but is now out to destroy video games to realizing that I mostly agree with feminists. I went from being uber-religious to being an atheist. From thinking that free markets solve everything to realizing that the genuine pitfalls of capitalism and a need for social democracy. This will all get important in a bit.

Part of that was the fact that when I was younger (18ish) I was drawn into PUA stuff, which I admittedly just skimmed through instead of reading it thoroughly. But the fact is if you’re repeatedly exposed to something and you don’t make an effort to pushback against that from a skeptical viewpoint, it seeps into your worldview. This all kept building up and as I was conditioned by various experience, I was turning into this “Nice Guy” stereotype, something I was driven away from by reading things like Heartless Bitches International (Which I think should be required reading for anybody complaining about being Friend-Zoned) and books like No More Mr. Nice Guy (which, admittedly, I still haven’t completed, in that I’ve read the book but not followed along with the exercises in it).

But somehow I still was being sucked deeper and deeper into the orbit around The Red Pill, and while I never visited those subreddits I still, on an honest reflection, found that my views and theirs kinda overlap.  I’m nowhere near as misogynistic as them, mind you. It’s that I find myself reading some blogpost from people like Rollo Tomassi and thinking with something quite resembling a deep conviction that women can never love men, not really. That they are all really hypergamous, and any pleasantness on their side is just a facade, a way to get stuff done. This put me in a really dark place in 2017 and was exacerbating the anxiety and depression I already deal with. I thought, when the world’s so bad for those with girlfriends, what’s the chances of a 21 year old fat virgin who does not match the ideals of hegemonic masculinity that are prevalent in my culture.

Thankfully, I found many resources to get through that helped me through that time, I was talked down from that by an uncle who was a player in his 20s, but is single now (in his 30s). I found the ExRedPill subreddit that was massive help, and through them I found things like the works of bell hooks, Mark Manson and you.

And even though I have largely overcome the bad part, I think, I still have this bubbling feelings of anxiety from the residual attitude I have. I still feel hopeless and despondent when I read so many studies about things like “Bad Boy” allure or ones how females are more likely to rate High-T indicators showing males as more attractive while they are ovulating and Lower-T indicators showing males while they are not. I admit, I’m not that well-versed on how to distinguish between a good and a bad study. However, from one statistic class I took I know that bigger the sample size the more confidence one can have on extrapolating it on the general populace. I am also skeptical of studies that seems completely trusting of assumptions baked into their methodologies and aren’t cross cultural.

I’m sure that there is a lot of confirmation bias involved in this. But I don’t know how to get out of this rut in my brain. For all that I have read on gender and socialization, I can’t get behind the outright denial of evo-psych I see so prevalent on the left, even while granting that 90-95% of “research” that comes under the banner of evo-psych are complete bunk. I can’t agree with the assertion that all the differences we see are socially constructed given that there is a ton of research showing how sex differences emerge by a very early age when not a lot of socialization has taken place, but at the same time when someone says something like “It’s all biology” and “There are only two genders”, I can only think of how unbelievably naive they are on this topic. But all of this is besides the point.

The thing is I have better things to focus on than this. In 2017, I put no effort into campus placements because I was struggling with this, and the anxiety it built up. Similarly now, from time to time, I become embroiled in this, fall down the rabbit hole and don’t focus on things that are more urgent, more important, like that fact that I don’t have a job still and am dependent on my parents. The fact that I’m not working hard enough towards my portfolio. The fact that all the friends I had in college are in different cities, the nearest one being a 2 hr metro ride away, and most of which were toxic and performance-based anyway, where only 2-3 of them I can say had any mutual ‘philia’ and I’m not doing anything that would change that.

How can I get past these attitudes so that they no longer cripple me on my path towards self improvement?

Choking on The Red Pill

DEAR CHOKING ON THE RED PILL: Congratulations on pulling away from all the misogynistic crap you’ve been feeding yourself, CTRP; recognizing just how damaging those beliefs and world-views are is an important part of starting to move away from them. Of course, part of what can be difficult in shedding old beliefs is how often they so often play to the part of our selves that want to believe the worst possible outcomes. One of the unfortunate quirks of the human experience is that we have an inherent negativity bias. Our negative thoughts and beliefs have more emotional weight and credence than positive ones; it takes 5 positive experiences to outweigh the effect of one negative one. This is why, for example, it’s easy to dismiss or forget compliments and get so hung up on a single criticism.

It’s also why communities like The Red Pill can be so inviting. Part of what makes things like the pick-up artist community or The Red Pill so appealing to guys is how it plays into the idea that you’re somehow being cheated or screwed over despite being superior. Women are all shallow and obsessed with looks and status, despite having no “value” of their own outside of looks and youth, men who don’t have X qualities have no chance because of a quirk of genetics, so forth and so on. They prey on your frustration and your anger, giving you explanations for your situation that sound plausible but fall apart if you so much as look at them sideways. But because they line up with what you already believe – that you’re plain out of luck, because REASONS – you want to believe them. It stokes your anger at being excluded while also reminding you that your being excluded isn’t fair because you’re better. And now that you see the “real” world – taken the “red pill” – you’re inherently better than those other fools who still think that they have a chance with women by playing into their hands.

Call it the Fight Club effect – Tyler Durden takes men who are disillusioned because the rewards they were promised for being men were never going to be delivered and then claims to have an alternate solution that’s really just “do the same thing as before only HARDER.”  So it is with groups like The Red Pill; you may not measure up to the hegemonic ideas of what a man is “supposed” to be, but if you double down on the system that excludes you, maybe now you’ll finally be rewarded.

Part of why it gets so hard to shake these beliefs is because they become part of your identity. We have psychological defense mechanisms that protect our identity, no matter what… even when there are aspects to ourselves that are hurting us. Even when you know, intellectually, that you’re wrong about something, the fact that it challenges your sense of self makes you double-down. And when you add in quirks like confirmation bias… well, it’s not hard to see why some ideas are hard to shake, even when we know they’re wrong. It’s very easy to find studies that reinforce what you already believe, despite the fact that they’re often badly designed or don’t actually prove what people think they prove. Studies surrounding “bad boys” for example, tend to ignore the fact that part of the appeal is that men who rank higher in the Dark Triad tend to put more effort into their appearance. Other times it’s simply the fact that so-called bad boys are more confident or assertive and actually ask women out. It’s not some innate preference women have to being treated like crap, it’s that douchebags tend to be more proactive.

But that’s not as sexy as “proving” that all you need to get laid is a sneer and a leather jacket.

Like you said: you know how much evo-psych is BS… but it “feels” correct to you because it lines up with what you think is true.

The key to undoing these beliefs isn’t to go on a quest for evidence – that can often trigger the backfire effect. Instead, it’s to start to actually collect actual experience. It’s a lot harder to believe All Women Are Like That, for example, when you start to have real, platonic friendships with women and get to know them as people. You can go around and see the millions of people who don’t follow The Red Pill bullshit and yet somehow have managed to find happy, successful relationships with loving partners. When you make friends with people – actual, emotionally intimate friendships, not just shallow and performative ones – you start to realize just how much crap you’ve been fed and what you’ve been missing all this time.

So here’s what I suggest you do: quit scouring studies, quit falling down algorithmically distorted rabbit-holes and just work on living an amazing life. Put your focus on your education, a job and building a healthy social circle. This will help start to ease that sense of “not measuring up”, that belief that you’re somehow deficient that makes you vulnerable to cons and grifters like the ones you’re trying to get away from. You fill that hole in your life on your own – with friends, with achievements and with passion – and watch how easy it becomes to leave that old part of you behind.

The more you’re living that awesome life, the more you’ll find that happiness, satisfaction and, yes, love, will come to you. As you do, you’ll find those old beliefs start fading away.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Is it a bad idea to reach out to or ask out a girl you found on a dating app through some other online means?

I recently bit the bullet and started trying dating apps for the first time. I was pretty skeptical after the first few weeks of using it, but eventually, I found several women where my first reaction was honestly “WOW. YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND OUTSTANDING.” I had to meet them when I got back home.

In retrospect, I probably should have just started talking to them, But here’s the problem: at the time, I was about to spend over a month out in the field with my Army unit, then go overseas for over two weeks (read: places without good cell phone reception, or at least where I wouldn’t be able to really talk to, let alone meet them in the town where we live). I decided to just quit the app, in hopes that the algorithm would repopulate them later.

Unfortunately, Hinge DIDNT. I even wrote to Hinge tech support and asked them to help a brother out, but they never wrote back. The bastards.

These were honestly outstanding people. My question is, what if I just found them on Facebook/Instagram/LinkedIn/whatever and started talking to them? Do you think that would be BOLD and attractive or would that be stalkerish and weird? And if it really could go either way, do I even have much to lose if I reach out to them? You think there would be negative consequences?

Stay Awesome, 

We Found Love in a Tactical Field Exercise

DEAR WE FOUND LOVE IN A TACTICAL FIELD EXERCISE: In a word: no.

In fact, not just no but HELL NO.

Look at it this way: the fact that I may go to a masseuse for some deep-tissue work on my back doesn’t mean I’m down for some rando coming up and rubbing my shoulders in the grocery store. People who sign up for dating apps are doing so specifically to meet people on that app. Getting an account on Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Match or whatever doesn’t mean that they’re open to being approached on all of their social media. In fact, many women have had dudes try to connect with them on Facebook, Instagram and elsewhere after having turned those dudes down on dating apps. 

That ain’t bold, it ain’t romantic and it ain’t welcome. It’s creepy, it’s stalker-y and it’s as big a glaring sign that you decided to ignore boundaries because hey, you think she’s hot.

It’s a shame that you missed out on the chance to talk to these incredible women… but that was a choice you made. Would it have worked out, considering that you were about to be deployed? No way of knowing. But you decided to not say anything and so the window closed. Hinge – or any other app for that matter – isn’t in the business of connecting you with specific people. If they no longer show up in your feed, well, tough luck dude. You shouldn’t have thrown away your shot.

Now the only thing to do is accept this as a learning experience and go find the amazing women who ARE still around. And this time, actually message them, instead of hoping they’ll still be around later on.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently realized (well, “accepted” would be more accurate) that I qualify as someone who is a toxic friend. A couple of months ago, my friends pointed out I would not behave in the same way depending if I was with one of them alone or if I was with a larger group. At the time, I didn’t thought about it, the very idea that I may be an asshole to them didn’t even occur to me.

However, it finally hit me. See, when I’m with a large group, I start making “jokes” (and I mean very very stupid jokes) and passive-aggressive comments, mostly at the expense of one of my friends. These get to the point that…I don’t know how she can still agree to talk to me. Almost everything turns into a weapon I use. The only reason I say “almost” is because there is still a line that I didn’t cross with those “jokes”, and that I’m very afraid of crossing one day.

(There is also one last important information regarding our friendship; I do have a crush on her, which wasn’t the case when we met and started to hang out. Honestly, as I’m typing that, I don’t even know anymore if I can call myself a friend of her.)

I’m ashamed of this. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to hurt those who are close to me, and I don’t want to drive them away. I don’t have any excuses. I mean, I think I know why I act like that in front of a large group (lack of social skills, stupidly high level of anxiety) but I’m fully aware that it’s wrong. I need to get rid of that behavior, otherwise, sooner or later, I will lose my friends.

So, I’m asking you: can you give me some advice on where to begin? Is apologizing to her a first step? How can I work on stopping to act like an asshole? Feel free to bring the Chair Leg of Truth, Doc. I need your help, I want to be able to be a good friend and if you think the best medicine is a harsh medicine, then don’t spare me.

Heel Face Turn

DEAR HEEL FACE TURN: t’s good that you’re recognizing what you’ve done wrong, HFT. Yeah, you’re kind of the cruel, toxic friend that people complain about, and that’s a problem. But before we get into how to fix it, let’s talk a little about just what’s going on here.

Part of why toxic friends are so damaging to us is because they’re people who we’ve let in. We’ve let ourselves be vulnerable around them, lowered our defenses and given them access to our deepest and most fragile selves. We trusted them with the sides of ourselves that could hurt us the most.

And they turn right around and use them for sh*ts and giggles. Every moment of trust, every moment of openness becomes ammo. Our secrets, our anxieties and our fears are now like refined plutonium in the hands of a criminal syndicate; we know they’re out there, we know who has them but we don’t know when or if they’ll use them. So now we live with the anxiety that our supposed “friend” is going to drop a dirty bomb of our intimate details for the lulz. And worse, we’re not “allowed” to be upset about it! If we complain about that toxic friend targeting us, making our existence the butt of their jokes, we’re told to “lighten up”. To “not take it so seriously”. To grow a thicker skin because it’s just pranks and jokes, yo. We get cast in the role of the funwrecker, the killjoy, the wittle snowfwake who can’t take some teasing. Now we have two choices: grin and bear it as we get roasted, or complain and get hit even harder.

It’s a lose/lose scenario and one that acts like sandpaper on the soul. It may not seem like much at any one time, but it grinds you down bit by bit.

This is what you’re doing to your friend. You have been sanding away at her self-esteem, her self-image, even her ability to relax and enjoy herself among her friends. When she wants to see her friends, she has to stay braced for every second that she’s there, wondering what you’re going to throw at her, how much it’s going to hurt and just how much her friends are either going to laugh at her or cringe with her.

And then there’s that last little bit about “the line you haven’t crossed… yet”. She knows that line is there. She knows that you know that line is there. And you and she both know that it’s just a matter of time until you say the words. This is what she lives with every. SINGLE. TIME. she’s out with her friends.

So y’know. Congratulations on not being as big of an assh

e as you could be? I guess?

Here’s the thing: the WHY you’re doing this crap isn’t as important as you KNOW this hurts her and you do it anyway. Is it because you’re trying to get the approval of your friends and the easy laugh and you’ve chosen the only target you know isn’t going to hit you back? Is it because you have a crush on her and instead of trying to handle it like a goddamn adult, you revert to this kindergarten “pull-her-pigtails” crap? Ultimately, your reasons for it don’t matter. Your intent isn’t magic, nor does it excuse the choice. And this is a choice that you make. It isn’t a neurological issue that forces you to say things that you don’t actually mean. You’re not under a psychological compulsion to insult her that you’re powerless to resist. Every single time you make those comments or make those jokes you are making a choice to hurt her.

And to be perfectly blunt, you’re not winning any points for asking for me to be harsh. This is the same performative self-flagellation bulls

t that guys pull all THE GODDAMN TIME. This isn’t “mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa”, it’s “look at how much I’m suffering, I’m punishing myself, I’m hurting myself because I suck so much”. It’s a performance of penance that isn’t to demonstrate how sorry you are but shifts the burden from you to the girl that you’ve been torturing with your jokey-jokes by doing it visibly and publicly. It carries the message of “you can’t e mad at me now, look at how much I’m suffering over this” that shifts the burden of the apology from you to her. Now there’s the social pressure for her to forgive you because look at how so very very sorry you are.

You already know what you need to do. You said so in your own letter. The fact that you haven’t apologized to her already – in private, demonstrating you understand why what you did is wrong and with the full understanding that she’s under no obligation to forgive you – is damning. So too is the fact that you haven’t chosen to stop. You’re waiting for me to provide your penance in hopes that you won’t suffer worse and more meaningful consequences from her.

You don’t need explanations as to why you’re doing this. You don’t need a 10 step recovery plan. You need to apologize to her. And you need to choose to stop.

The rest is up to her.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a situation that I don’t think I’ve seen discussed here and my friends don’t seem to know what I should do either.

Here are the base stats. I’m 31. I’ve had exactly one girlfriend who broke up with me after 3 months. Since then I’ve successfully hooked up twice and that is literally the full extent of my dating history.

I’ve been trying online dating for about 8 months with little success. The thing is, I had a vasectomy and have no intention of reversing it, I don’t want to get married and I don’t want to ever move in with anyone I’m dating. I don’t want kids and I also don’t like the idea of getting screwed over financially or having to constantly account for my whereabouts. I still want to have a long term relationship but most women my age don’t appear to be looking for the kind of setup I’d like. Just by selecting for women who don’t want kids narrows my online dating pool into the single digits for my area and most of their profiles don’t appeal to me. Women who are still open to shopping around so to speak seem to be much younger than I’m comfortable with.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for relationships and what I want just isn’t out there. I’d be fine with that if I could say for sure or at least have some idea of what my odds are.

Is trying to find this a fool’s errand or is there something else I can do to better find something suitable?

Sincerely 

Forever (Living) Alone

DEAR FOREVER (LIVING) ALONE: The number of women who are opting to not have children – not “can’t”, but “won’t” – is increasing, just as the birthrate in America is declining. So the odds of finding women who aren’t interested in procreating are fairly decent and improving on a monthly basis. That’s not going to be the issue you think it is.

You’re going to have a harder time, however, finding someone who’s up for the kind of relationship you want. While there are people out there who are ok with a long-term relationship that isn’t leading toward marriage and there are people who prefer relationships where they both maintain separate residences, trying to find all three is going to be a challenge. You have two choices: you can either relax your standards and be willing to be flexible and thus widen your pool of potential partners, or you can accept that what you want is going to severely limit the number of compatible matches.

Now that having been said, you might be able to thread this particular needle by looking for a long-distance relationship. By expanding your search parameters and looking further and further afield, you might be able to finesse the kind of relationship you want by dating someone in another city or state. This has the benefit of both expanding your dating pool and increasing the odds of dating someone who doesn’t expect you to move in. Living in a different city, after all, makes it hard to cohabitate. But even then, the odds are that you’ll still have to be flexible on what you want; a long-distance relationship with no end-point isn’t likely to be a long-term one.

But to be perfectly honest, even if you find that okapi1, I don’t think you’re going to be finding the non-connubial bliss you’re looking for. You seem to have a very odd, even Red-Pill-tinged idea about how relationships work. Most relationships aren’t like being on parole, where you have to check in with your PO regularly. In fact, the strongest relationships are the ones where both partners not only maintain their independence but also have active lives outside of each other. Someone who expects you to constantly check in with them is, as a general rule, someone you don’t want to be in a relationship with in the first place.

Nor, for that matter, are you destined to get “screwed over financially”. It makes for great MRA talking points and swear-y rants on Twitter and Reddit, but this is not only unlikely but also avoidable. Beyond not dating someone who’s looking for Mr. Goodbar – which is easier than it sounds, especially if you’re not rolling in dough yourself – you can protect yourself financially. Simple things like “not commingling assets” and even writing out a financial plan – think of it as a prenup, without the nup – help keep a clear line between between “your assets” and “their assets”. If you’re especially worried, talk to a lawyer and keep strict records of who pays for what out of which account, making sure that you don’t cross the streams.

But a better option would be to talk with someone about these beliefs and anxieties. I’m not sure what you’re basing these negative expectations on, but it sure as hell isn’t an extensive dating history. The less you’re constantly on the defensive against some Reddit boogieman and more able to engage with women on an individual level, the better able you’ll be to find someone who may check all the boxes on your particular list of must-haves. If you even decide to keep them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a college student who semi-recently ended the only relationship I have ever been in. After taking a few months to recover, I have gotten over my old relationship, which started in high school. Recently, now that I am single, I am getting a lot of attention from guys, both from ones that I am attracted to and not attracted to. I have ended up in a predicament in which I feel like I have at least three guys (but generally more) contacting me any given day. The guys can generally be categorized as:

1. Guy I had no initial attraction to, but due to not wanting to be seen as shallow, have wanted to reciprocate in case they are actually really cool dudes who are actually my soulmates who would grow on me in time (my ex boyfriend I was not initially very attracted to but after dating him for a while I fell for him) 

2. Guy I am not attracted to and have been trying to kindly reject but are generally not getting the hint 

3. Guy I am attracted to and he is attracted to me

The second category of guys is the largest for me. Most of these guys I have assumed were interested in a friendship, and only later I have realized they wanted to talk to me because they were attracted to me. The problem is, they are really nice guys and my attempts at telling them that I only see them as friends can go over their heads, no matter how explicit I think I’m being.

The first category I unfortunately lead on for the early stages of my post-breakup life. I assumed men I was attracted to would not ever feel the same way about me and that it would be shallow to not give people a chance based on first impressions. I don’t know how to reject someone after giving them a chance, so it stresses me out whenever I receive a message from or talk to a guy from this category.

The third category of guys stresses me out a lot because of two reasons:

1. I think they are only looking to hook up or they actually are only looking to hook up 

2. I think they lose interest or they actually lose interest

I am anxious to go out with guys I am attracted to because I think they are just going to try to sleep with me instead of get to know me more (because they often are). When it comes to actually hanging out with these guys, I generally procrastinate doing so because situations like that make me uncomfortable. If I do actually get up the courage to meet these men, they either lose interest or I think they lose interest and I decide to instead meet some new attractive men to date. Sometimes, however, the guy who I thought lost interest actually didn’t and later contacts me but I already have a guy who I also like too.

My phone keeps blowing up from way too many messages every day, and all I want is to have one guy who I like message me and show me interest and that he actually want to get to know me before giving me a tour of his bedroom. How do I get myself out of this mess I’ve made myself?

Too Much of A Weird Thing

DEAR TOO MUCH OF A WEIRD THING: Right let’s roll this from the top.

First things first, TMAWT: it’s good that you give guys who may not necessarily your cup of tea a shot, but you’re not obligated to date dudes who don’t do it for you, just in case. It’s one thing to be willing to take a chance on a guy; it’s another to date them out of a sense of obligation towards an ideal. You aren’t required to date anyone you don’t feel attracted to and you’re especially not obligated to do so just to prove you’re not shallow. Nor, for that matter, does somebody else’s interest in you mean that you have to at least hear them out or go on a date with them. This does you no favors and is actually worse for them when you realize that there isn’t any spark and there never will be.

If you’re going to turn someone down, then the best thing to do is make it as quick and clean as possible. It’s like pulling off a bandage; it’s going to hurt either way, but doing it slowly is going to just prolong things. A quick, sharp pull may hurt, but it’s hurt that’s over quickly. The kindest thing you can do is say “Thank you, but I’m just not interested,” instead of going on a date with them. And if you do go on a date with them, then a simple, “thank you for a lovely time, but this just isn’t going to work for me. Best of luck to you.” is more than sufficient.

Now for your second category of men: unfortunately, you can’t control how other behave… no matter how much you may want to. If someone’s especially determined to be a Nice Guy, there’s not really anything you can do to dissuade them from that. What you can do, however, is maintain some strong boundaries and not give them access to your life. The fact that they have a crush on you doesn’t obligate you to let them be part of your social circle or even give them the time of day. You can cut them out of your life entirely or let them know that you aren’t going to entertain any relationship-y behavior from them; you aren’t interested in their presents, their offers of “help” with convenient strings or even to spend time with them alone. You have the absolute right to decide who you do and don’t spend your time with. If they won’t accept “I’m not interested in you and I never will be,” then you are free to tell them that you’re not interested in seeing them, ever. 

Again, this is the sort of thing that’s best done quickly; the longer you hesitate, the more they will try to insinuate themselves into your life like an especially pernicious virus.

Now your third category is slightly trickier. You have two issues here: your willingness to believe that people you’re into are into you and filtering out the guys who’re just interested in banging. Now, one would think that sheer bloody experience would help with the former. That having been said, I can tell you from experience that it can be difficult to accept that other people are attracted to you. Some self-images are incredibly difficult to shake, regardless of the evidence at hand. At the end of the day, sometimes you have to make the conscious choice to take “yes” for an answer, even if there are parts of your jerk-brain whispering that this can’t possibly be real.

Trying to filter out the ones who are just there for some “wham, bam, thank-you ma’am” is harder. On the one hand, if you’re up for some casual action and it seems like he’d actually be good in bed… well, hey, rock the righteous hell on. But if you’re looking for something more committed… well, that’s where things get slightly trickier. I know some people swear by the proverbial three-date rule, but there’re plenty of cads out there who see three dates as a sufficient investment to hook up with someone.

However, this is an area where boundaries help ward off asshats and opportunists, as much as it chases away Nice Guys. You can let someone know up front that you’re looking for something more committed and you take things slowly as you build trust and intimacy; that’s often enough to wave off  the majority of the casual-sex seekers. Someone who’s only looking for a quick lay isn’t going to want to invest a lot of time and effort; they want something fast and easy. And the nice thing about this is that you aren’t committed to a specific timeframe. If a guy has demonstrated to your satisfaction that he’s a genuinely good guy who’s looking for an actual relationship by the second date… well, there’s no reason why you can’t give him a guided tour of your room.

But to get that far, you have to be willing to give them a chance in the first place. And while it’s understandable that the ambiguity and jerkbrain whispers make you uncomfortable, there really is no reward in dating without risk. If you’re into somebody and you think he maybe into you, then you don’t do yourself any favors by putting things off until it’s too late. You don’t have to jump in head first – whether into bed or into a relationship – but you don’t lose anything except a Friday night by testing the waters.

As for what to do about all those messages blowing up your phone? You have a few options. The first is to set up filters, mutes and blocks; they can keep texting you to their heart’s content but that doesn’t mean you have to see ’em, nevermind respond to them.  Or you could start using a secondary phone number, such as a Google Voice account, for guys who you don’t feel safe giving your primary number to.

But your best option by far is to work on those boundaries I mentioned. Not only will this help keep dudes from getting your number in the first place, but it’ll make it easier for you to tell them “Thank you but I’m not interested, please quit texting me.”

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a bit of an ethical dilemma:

A few months ago I met someone online and we clicked. After a few dates she said she wasn’t looking for anything beyond that point as she’d been through some pretty choppy relationship seas before then and I really appreciated her honesty and directness in a world where the slow-fade and ghosting is a thing, my anxious brain appreciates that kind of candor. We both agreed that hanging out was fun and agreed to remain friends and have hung out for coffee and a chat a few times, and it’s been good. I appreciate her friendship.

I now suspect that a few months on she might be considering me differently. I don’t really have any hard evidence of that, just a feeling (my flirting radar doesn’t really work). I’m not one for circling back historically, but I probably would have been open to giving it another go had I been asked and had I not very recently met someone and started seeing them. It’s very, very new and who knows if it will even be a consideration by the time you read this, although I’d like it to be.

I’m not sure if or when I need to tell the first person that I’m seeing someone now. I think we’ve all been in that situation where we were too slow with a crush and see them holding hands with someone and feel our stomachs drop to the floor, so I don’t want to inflict that on anyone, but neither do I want to awkwardly and arrogantly assume she’s feeling something for me that simply isn’t there. This could also be a non-problem – she could be seeing someone for all I know, and I’d be really happy for her, but relationships have never really been in our topics of conversation.

Is there a conversation to be had here?

Cheers

Paragon or Renegade?

DEAR PARAGON OR RENEGADE: You’re making this more complicated than you need to, PoR. You aren’t dating, you don’t have any commitment to one another or the expectation of anything approaching exclusivity. More to the point, you also don’t actually know that she’s got feelings for you. This is all pure speculation on your part. And then on top of that, you admit that your social radar isn’t the greatest.

So I suspect a lot of this is your reading into things that aren’t strictly there. Which hey, we’ve all been there and done that. It’s a sort of wishful thinking; even if we’re not actively hoping to start a relationship with a person, there’s something validating about knowing they’re into us. Just because you’re not going to the party doesn’t mean that it’s not nice to be invited, after all.

As it is though, not only do you not have an obligation to tell her that you’re dating, but you’re so early in the process that it’s a bit presumptive to say anything at all.

My advice? Leave things well enough alone. If you and your new squeeze last long enough that you reach a point that you’re introducing her to your friends, then you can let your buddy know.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)