DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question regarding the manners (and safety) of when to end a date when you met the person online. I’m a woman in my late 20s, and I’ve had enough experience with online dating to be relatively savvy with it. I typically find it a fun way to meet new people and go on some fun dates. I feel comfortable navigating most situations, except for this: when I want to end the date before it’s over.

I’ve experienced this scenario in two categories: one, when I’m simply not attracted to the person and don’t want to waste anyone’s time, and two, when I feel uncomfortable. It’s this second version I need the most help with. I have not figured out how to end the date early without relying on a transparent lie (I have other plans, a family member or friend needs help, I have to go study, etc.) or just sticking it out and then driving home shuddering. The issue with lying is that sometimes they try to convince me to put off whatever I say I need to do, or they push really hard for an answer about when we will be hanging out again.

My biggest concern comes from my knowledge of what certain men do to women when those women reject them. From news stories about women getting stalked and killed to my own and my friends’ experiences, it’s genuinely threatening and alarming. I’ve had guys eavesdrop on my conversations and then follow me and my friends to bars, had them demand an explanation into why my boundaries are what they are, had them stick their hands (and mine) into places they had no business being, had strangers insist on buying me drinks I don’t want and then get aggressive when I refuse the drink, and on and on. Men have also yelled at me and my friends via online dating apps when we wouldn’t share our phone numbers or meet up after a few lines of chatting.

My strategy for meeting with someone new is to go for a chat over coffee in the afternoon at a busy coffee shop, so I’m doing my best to minimize any possibility that I’m in an uncomfortable situation. I’m also trying to prevent us wasting our time if we aren’t attracted to each other. The fact remains, some people just make me uncomfortable for various reasons, like the men who can’t stop talking about sex or the guys who repeatedly push physical boundaries. Unfortunately, it’s not easy figuring out what someone will be like in real life when you meet them online. Honestly, I’m often afraid to bring attention to the problem because the outcome feels like a game of Russian Roulette. Will they respectfully back off? Will they keep pushing harder? Will I start getting yelled at, insulted, or gaslighted? Will something worse happen?

I’m happy to say this scenario doesn’t happen to me often. Usually, even if I’m not romantically interested in someone I meet online, I have a fun time hanging out with someone who has mutual interests. The majority of guys I meet are not creepy boundary pushers who make me want to run away home. But I want to be able to get out of a date without being afraid of the consequences. Even when I simply don’t see a friendship or a relationship coming out of a meeting, I’m still a little wary to cut it short and leave because of the reasons I already stated. If continuing to lie is the best option, that’s fine. I’m a Slytherin, I can handle that. If there’s another more effective way, though, I would love to hear it.

Thanks for listening.

-Afraid of the End

DEAR AFRAID OF THE END: Let’s start with the obvious: your worries are legitimate and real. Women who date men do face risks when it comes to dating that men don’t. A casual Google search will bring up literally dozens of stories of women who’ve been harassed, assaulted or even murdered for rejecting men. And while yes, not all men are like that, just about every woman has either experienced this first-hand or has someone in their immediate lives who has.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about how to handle situations where either you aren’t feeling it or where you feel that you need to leave. Because these are two different situations that require different strategies.

The first thing I would say is that you’re already doing something I would advise: you’re going on a pre-date date. That is, you’re going on a short date in a public place to do your due diligence and see if it’s worth both of your time to go on a proper date. If you’ve got chemistry and they seem like someone worth seeing again then hey, you have something to look forward to. If not… well, the worst that’s happened is that you’re out fifteen to thirty minutes and the price of a cup of coffee.

Another possible option, especially if your schedules don’t allow for an afternoon meet-up is to borrow a page from the PUA manual and establish what’s known as a “false time constraint”.  That is: you meet up for a drink (singular) but you can’t stay because you have an engagement later that evening that you’re already committed to – a friend’s birthday, dinner with the family, something where it wouldn’t be appropriate to bring along a relative stranger. This way, if things aren’t going well, then you have your socially acceptable out: you have another commitment, such a shame, etc. Once again, you’re only out a small amount of time and the cost of a drink without the expectation (or pressure) of staying for longer than you would actually want to. And if things are going well, then you have the option of sticking around – wouldn’t you know it, your friends cancelled, Dad’s got the ick, whatever.

(Now, whether it’s better to stick to that false time constraint or not is an argument for another time. On the one hand: if you trust your instincts, then you don’t need to end the date right then. On the other, one of the measures of a man is how he handles disappointment.)

But let’s say that you’re dealing with a situation where you feel profoundly uncomfortable. That’s one where one’s choices will depend on just what’s making you uncomfortable. Is it someone being boorish – the guy who won’t stop turning every conversation to sex, for example – or someone who’s indicating that they don’t like being told “no” or that boundaries are something that happen to other people?

If it’s the former and you don’t feel comfortable calling him on his crap, then this is a time when that false time constraint comes in handy: oh hey, would you look at that, gotta go and don’t think it hasn’t been a little slice of heaven.

‘cuz it hasn’t.

The latter requires a little more nuance and depends a lot on how safe you feel. Do you feel that you can make it to the end of the date and leave, never to talk to him again? Or do you feel that it would be safer for you to leave now? If you feel that you need to go right the hell now – and that is totally within your rights – then do so. Make up an excuse, even if it’s just that you need to use the bathroom, then go. Disappear so fast that you leave a human-shaped cloud in your wake. If you’re feeling especially guilty, Venmo him the cost of your drinks/meal/ticket and call it the Escape The Asshat tax.

(Side note: despite the virality of the story, there really isn’t any evidence that things like “ordering an Angel Shot” is a reliable way to leave a bad or dangerous date. Better to drive yourself to the venue or have a taxi or ride-share app ready to go if you need to make a swift exit.)

Keep in mind: you don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you aren’t interested in another date. You aren’t obligated to give them a reason or even a response, especially if they’ve set off your Spidey-sense. It’s nice to say “thanks but this isn’t working for me, good luck in your search”, but it’s not required. Whether they actively creeped you out or you just weren’t into them, all that they need to know is that you don’t want to see them again.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: One of my goals right now is to work on my physical fitness; I’m not super unfit, but I’m on the skinny side with a bit of belly fat developed from sitting at a work desk so much, and I’d like to get to a point where I’m maintaining good physical health and decent looks (some muscle tone, etc). My goal isn’t to become a bodybuilder or get ripped or anything that extreme.

The issue is… whenever I engage in weightlifting or running or any other really strenuous physical activity, I end up feeling tired and nauseous for a while (a couple of hours) right after, and often sore for days. This isn’t necessarily an issue on its own, but I’m a college student with a more-than-full course load and part-time work, and I can’t afford the hit to my productivity from these side-effects. I’m already struggling just to get a decent night’s sleep as-is.

I would really appreciate it if you could direct me to some resources on how I can maintain a good fitness level without giving my body such a beating that it seriously hampers my productivity. As I said, I don’t want to get ripped, just be healthy and look decent.

98 Pound Weakling

DEAR 98 POUND WEAKLING: Something tells me you’re biting off more than you can chew, NPW. Some soreness the next day is to be expected; you’re using muscles in ways that they’re unused to, which means that you’re going to be feeling the effects later. As you work out and improve your fitness, you’ll find the soreness eases until you start pushing yourself again. But if you’re working out to the point where you want to puke… well, that’s a reliable indicator you’re doing it wrong. Despite all the maxims like “no pain, no gain”, you aren’t supposed to work out to to the point of incapacitating yourself. Pain isn’t weakness leaving the body, pain is your body’s way of telling you something’s wrong.

I suspect what’s going on is that you’re trying to go from zero to balls-to-the-wall, which is a mistake. Even if you aren’t leaving yourself exhausted and ready to puke, trying to give 110% right off the bat is a recipe for burnout and ditching your newfound exercise regimen in a couple of weeks… and that’s not taking the potential for injury into account. You need to build your your basic fitness and endurance, not just leap off your couch and try to run a marathon or bench 250 pounds.

Now depending on what you’re trying to do, you have options. If you just want to up your cardio, you might try a program like Couch to 5k or get an app like Zombies, Run, which has a training mode to help get you in shape as Runner 5. Sites like NerdFitness can also help you develop a program that’ll let you get fit without killing yourself in the process. You can even find a plethora of free workouts on YouTube that you can do in your apartment, ranging from body-weight exercises to jump rope routines.

If you’re looking to lift weights, put on some muscle and get toned… well, I strongly suggest you get at least a couple of sessions with a personal trainer first. A lot of folks who just dive into weight lifting often have lousy form, which can lead to muscle sprains, tears and worse. These’ll put you out of commission faster (and longer) than some soreness that you can treat with Gatorade and a couple Advil. A trainer can teach you the basics on how to lift properly, as well as help you craft a workout plan that will let you reach your goals quickly and efficiently.

And don’t underestimate the benefits of simply going for walks. Just going out and walking for a while is a viable form of exercise, and one that’s a lot easier to fit into your schedule than multiple hours in the gym every day. No it’s not going to turn you into a sculpted Adonis, but it’ll  improve your cardiovascular fitness and overall health.

One thing to keep in mind: fitness is going to look different to different people. Being fit and in shape doesn’t mean that you’re going to be built like a Greek statue. Your physical shape is going to be affected by things like your overall build and genetics; some folks aren’t going to have Thor-perfect superhero abs, no matter how much they work out and diet. Focus on overall health and wellbeing over “looks like a Men’s Health cover model” and you’ll do better than trying to force yourself into a next-to-impossible lifestyle.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m really curious what advice you may have for me here, just because I think this may simply be an issue where I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Nevertheless, I think you’ll ‘get’ it and if nothing else I’m going to use this as an opportunity to get something off my chest.

So first things first. I’m 29, and I just got married. I completely adore my wife, what we have is as real as it gets, and our relationship just ‘works’ for so many reasons. We’re on the same page about not wanting children, and I’m just really happy and proud about the life we’re building together.

A bit of background… we were close friends throughout college. She had several boyfriends and I was obsessing over other girls and doing nothing about it, and we really just never thought of each other in that way until right before graduation when we fell in love and have been together ever since. Another piece of the puzzle here is I was completely celibate during college, not by choice haha. I had a girlfriend for the last 6 months of high school, so I wasn’t a virgin going into college but I just didn’t have my life together… nerdy before I knew how to make nerdy work for me, massive crushes that I was too scared to act on because I was putting them on such a pedestal and just generally too focused on finding the magic fairytale love story when I should’ve been more go with the flow and open to fun experiences.

Hey, I get it. We all have to live with some regrets, obviously. I can’t change the past. But I have to say, it’s been challenging at times over the last decade seeing things like the rise of swiping dating apps that would’ve made things SO MUCH easier for shy guys like me in college to at least initiate contact, or even just the rise of nerd culture and nerdy things becoming way more socially acceptable. It is hard for my mind not to sometimes ponder how successful I’d be if I were single today. I feel like I’m infinitely more dateable at 30 than I was at 20. I have a stable career, I know how to dress, I think I’m reasonably attractive, I’m not terrified of women anymore and have more sexual confidence– simply put I just have more mileage, better self-worth and am way more comfortable in my own skin than I was in college.

I think it’s probably very normal for married guys to think about the good ol’ days of being single, but I guess my issue is I regret not doing anything with those good ol’ days and sometimes I get a bit freaked out that I will never experience another first kiss or see what my sexual chemistry with someone else might be, or experience the thrill of the chase– no matter how much I love my wife (and I do, and I believe our sex life is healthy). It’s just the curiosity that gnaws at me. I’m not saying I have any plans to do anything, because I really have it great now and definitely don’t want to screw it all up for something I’d instantly regret. I don’t believe I could ever cheat. I just worry that if I’m feeling this now, will it ever get any better, years down the road? Or will it turn into more of an obsession that eats away at me? I really don’t want to feel resentment about my marriage. I try to stay focused on all the positives. I know for a fact that a lot of my married friends have similar regrets, and I wonder about how common of an issue this is overall.

I’ve done research into open relationships and “hall passes” and honestly…while I love the idea in theory of getting a small window of time try and sew a few wild oats and get that out of my system (I’d be be willing to reciprocate that)…at the same time, I know all those paths have significant risks and downfalls, and based on comments she’s made in the past I don’t think she’s open to that. So me even trying to broach that subject would probably just be hurtful and pointless. She’s not a jealous type, we have a lot of trust in our relationship, but I think her hearing that I’m even daydreaming in those terms may be a shock to her and I really don’t want to hurt her just because I’m having a quarter life crisis. And it’s not only about wanting some strange (although that certainly factors in). I’ve thought a lot about it, and honestly I think I just also just craving the validation that yes, I can be desirable to other women too and to see if I’d have any ‘game’ now, because I had 0 before…I’ve literally never asked a girl out on a date in my life. I’ve never been on a first date with someone who I wasn’t previously friends with. It’s not that it’s a bad thing, but I guess it just feels like there’s this whole side of myself and the dating world that I never got a chance to explore.

It’s quite possible there is nothing to be done here except for me to just suck it up, be grateful that I have something that most singles are looking for, and move on. But these thoughts have gotten frequent enough that I wanted to take the first step of acknowledging that there may be a problem here.

Thanks,

Fear of Missing Out 

DEAR FEAR OF MISSING OUT: You’re not wrong that this is an incredibly common issue, FOMO. Lots of people – men and women both – have moments of wondering what might be if they were single right now instead of in a relationship. The fact that you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you won’t be interested in other people. You agreed that you weren’t going to sleep with other people; that doesn’t mean that you won’t want to. This is true of pretty much everyone; welcome to being a primate with a sex-drive.

Similarly, the fact that you’re fantasizing about being single again doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner, or that something’s wrong with your relationship. This is also something a lot of partnered people experience, for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes it’s the desire for novelty; that first kiss or the excitement of the initial courtship and getting to know somebody new. Other times it’s simple boredom; even the hottest and most passionate relationship will cool over time, especially as the day-to-day responsibilities of a life together pile up. Still other times, it’s the idea of “what did I miss out on” and still other times it’s that the person in question entered into a monogamous commitment that they weren’t actually suited for.

There’re the folks for whom it’s not even a matter of desire, so much as wanting to be desired. It’s a wish for validation, the knowledge that you still (or finally) have it. Sure, your partner may want you and need you… but that’s hardly the same as a stranger thinking that you’re hot sex on toast, is it? Or the knowledge that if you wanted to, you could hook up with that hottie you saw at the gym or Starbucks or what-have-you.

And then, of course, there’s the dawning realization that maybe, just maybe, you made a mistake. You overestimated your feelings and rounded up what would’ve been a happy short-term relationship to a lifetime commitment or just agreed to something that you didn’t realize you didn’t actually want until it was too late.

To answer your question: yes, this is going to be something that you’re going to feel, whether you’re with your wife or any theoretical future partner. Regardless of whether you stay with her or you find yourself free to date again, if you’re pursuing monogamous relationships, there’s always going to be a “no more first kisses” moment. That’s part of the price of entry to the relationships you seem to want.

The key to handling this – especially without making a mistake and detonating your relationship in the process – is to understand exactly what’s at the root of this interest.  Is it that you feel like you have something to prove to your past self? Are you someone who just can’t make a long-term monogamous commitment and require sexual novelty? Do you legitimately want out? Or is it just old-fashioned “what-if”ing?

The more you understand just what the problem is, the more you’ll understand how to navigate the issue. There’s nothing wrong, for example, with harmless sport flirting if the opportunity arises. Flirting without intent is one way to get the charge of knowing that other people think you’re hot without actually risking your relationship; plus, you can take that erotic charge and plow it into your relationship with your wife. If it’s a case of missing the early spark in your relationship, then the answer is to remember why those early days were so exciting. Part of what makes the sex so enticing when you’re just starting out is that it’s new and risky. You have to put in work to make it happen and actually seduce your partner – even as the two of you may be determined to rip the clothes off one another. In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to fall into a rut where sex just happens. The more the two of you have to work for it, the more excitement you can bring back to it, the hotter it gets. So start breaking out of the routine and screw like teenagers again. Take some risks – find a quiet place to park and sneak into the back seat of your car, hook up in the bathroom of a bar or a broom closet at work. The novelty and the effort and the low-key risk will give sex a spice and urgency that it doesn’t currently have.

If it’s just a case of wanting new and different… well, that’s what porn and sex-toys are for. Either by yourself or with your wife.

However, I don’t think an open relationship is necessarily what you want right now. While I certainly wouldn’t argue against your studying up on them, I don’t think your issue is that you’re not built for monogamy, I think it’s that you want the validation of being desired by other people and having the game you didn’t have when you were younger. And while I understand the desire to go out and test this, I think the potential cost to your relationship – one that you say you’re otherwise satisfied with – is far greater than the reward.

All things considered, this is a relatively minor itch, FOMO and one that’s easily scratched. It’s not something to get overly concerned about or to risk your relationship over. Focus on the underlying cause rather than the symptom, and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about “how to handle women with poor social skills”.

While dating and approaching women I have had the problem that some women can’t pick any signal that I give and it is really really frustrating. The lack of response or follow up to a signal makes wondering if the other is interested at all. At some point, I retreat to avoid an awkward situation. However, lack of a signal doesn’t always imply lack of interest (sometimes it does imply lack of interest – especially when the woman is socially skilled and proactive).

I would guess that this problem may be more common that one would guess initially. The reasons for inactivity and lack of response could be shyness, lack of social skills or some level of autism. The woman can be really sweet and interested but her social skills can be really bad. Lack of social skills makes reading the situation and the whole social interaction harder. Could you provide some advice?

Thanks,

Clueless

DEAR CLUELESS: There’re two possibilities here, Clueless. The first is that they legitimately don’t pick up on your signals, either because you aren’t great at sending them or they just don’t get them. The other is that they know exactly what it is you’re saying and they’re just not interested and they’re hoping that by “missing” your signal, you’ll get the hint and move on.

But as a general rule, if you think they’re not picking up what you’re putting down for whatever reason, then use your words. Don’t give signals, say it explicitly. “Hey, I think you’re awesome and like to take you out on a proper date. How do you feel about $COOL_THING_A and $COOL_THING_B?” “I would love to kiss you right now.” “Want to make out?” “Should we take this to the bedroom?” etc. There are a lot of folks out there who’d appreciate it if people would just straight up say what it is they mean instead of hinting or dropping clues like the Riddler. You may well be dealing with people like that. And if you are? Being the person to just lay it out there without any room for misunderstanding would make you exactly who they’re looking for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I dated my ex for a couple of years, including him moving in with me. He seemed like a nice, affable, kind of dorky guy, though with some severe flakiness issues and a distressing tendency to lie when he thought the truth would upset me.

He didn’t move out until the end of last year, around a year after we stopped dating (he was in my spare room, including while we were actually dating). I pretty much had to kick him out, I was tired of him barely paying rent, eating my food without asking, breaking things without apologizing or offering to fix/pay for them, et cetera, et cetera.

We broke up because of a bunch of things–the aforementioned breakage and non-rent-payment, his lying, his stupidity about money, sexual incompatibility, his whining, and probably other things that aren’t coming to mind at the moment.

I think he thinks… we could still get back together. It ain’t happening, and I have told him so, multiple times. But he still does things like randomly (without calling) showing up at my house. He gave me an inappropriately large number of board games (most of which I don’t especially want) for Christmas/my birthday. He recently, for no reason that I could determine, bought me a (nearly $50) ticket to a play–just me, he couldn’t afford 2 tickets. Frankly, if he’s going to give me something, I’d rather he give me a check to pay for some of his unpaid rent (to the tune of nearly $1000, even though I was charging him well below market rates even after we stopped dating). I’ve told him that, too, to no apparent effect.

I’m not sure how to get through to him that we’re not getting back together, no matter how many unexpected (and unreciprocated) presents he gives me, no matter how much he whines at me, no matter how many times he shows up at my door, whatever. And that if he wants to be neutral, non-romantic friends, he’d get a lot further by giving me a check for back rent and a sincere apology than by showering me with a bunch of presents I don’t really want.

I am… hesitant to be, shall we say, unnecessarily harsh about cutting off all contact, partly because I have at least some slim hopes of getting some of the money back (I’m pretty poor myself). But he’s seriously getting on my nerves, and my mom (who is… well, I have Asperger’s, so I’m not the best judge of character sometimes, she is afaik neurotypical) is legitimately afraid that he’ll do something like, oh, lay in wait to ambush me, or break into my house while I’m gone, or something.

(if it makes a difference, both of us are in our 40s, and I don’t presently have a roommate–or, unfortunately, a boyfriend)

Do you think my mom’s overreacting? Do you think there’s any way I can get through to him about the “No, really, back rent, please”? Should I be refusing his gifts? (one of the games was one I really wanted, and the play ticket would have gone to waste if I didn’t go, it was non-refundable)? Do you think he might be a legitimate danger to me? Is there anything else you think I should be doing, or shouldn’t be doing, or should be doing differently?

Damsel In Dis Dress

DEAR DAMSEL IN DIS DRESS: While I understand worrying about the potential for violence from an ex… this doesn’t sound like the behavior of someone who’s dangerous, DiDD. This sounds more like someone who took all the wrong lessons from Say Anything and other rom-coms and is trying to find some way to stay in your life and work his way back into your good graces. He’s trying to basically buy your affection back.

Now, it’s understandable that his tendency to show up unannounced can be unnerving, it doesn’t sound like he’s compounding this with other more threatening behaviors or escalating in ways that might raise red flags. So I don’t think you’re really at risk here outside of him having a sad at you. Which, to be fair, can be a little embarrassing but not really dangerous.

However, I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors by accepting his gifts. You know that you can’t be bought, but to him, accepting them means that he’s one step closer to winning your love back, so he’s going to keep at it.

It’s time to throw up some big fuck-off boundaries. I think your best bet here is to just put your foot down and have a come-to-Jesus talk with him the next time he tries to bribe you with stuff. He needs to hear more than just “We are never getting back together,” he needs to hear “Stop coming to my house, stop giving me presents and stop acting like this is going to fix things because it is not.” I’d possibly also throw in a “if you have the money to buy me boardgames, you have the money to pay the rent you owe me,” but I suspect he may see that as the opening to negotiations, not “..And you also owe me a thousand dollars on top of this.”

And then hold firm. If he brings you anything other than a check for the rent and an apology, then tell him to get lost. Don’t answer his calls. Don’t open his emails. Block him on social media and tell your friends not to give him access to you too. He has burned through your good-will. If you feel like it would make a difference, you can return the boardgames. Personally, I’d consider them an inconvenience tax. Sell the ones you don’t intend to keep and call it interest on the money he owes you.

And if he does scrape the rent together… well, he doesn’t need to deliver that in person either. Dropping it in the mail works just fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a fan of your work for a long time. You introduced me to Feminism at a critical time in my life, you helped me value therapy and emotional intelligence, and you inspired me to take my earliest baby steps toward being a functioning adult. Along the way, I’ve stumbled, and I’ve been spiraling down a deep and depressing years-long regression. Finally realizing this, I’m going back to my roots to realign myself on the path of improvement, reading your work in New Game +.

But the specific point that I’m emailing you is for some advice on practicing positivity. In New Game + on page 21, you recommend exercising positive thinking by spending, “seven consecutive days consciously not thinking anything negative about anyone.”

I see the practical benefits of trying this, and I want to. But in the moment, I feel my enthusiasm dwarfed by the terrible reality of our current government. Maybe this is another case of self-limiting beliefs mixed with blaming the government for my personal problems. But ever since the results of the election, I’ve been getting sadder and angrier by the day. I have to avoid keeping up-to-date with all of the events of the day, or I spiral into recurring thoughts of applying some final solutions to people in the public sector. Every moment I’m reminded of the people in power, I can’t focus and become irrational. And very recently, my daily talk-myself-out-of-suicides are getting more difficult, because it isn’t so much an overwhelming emotional urge, which I typically argue myself out of with rational thinking. Now, it seems increasingly like the most rational course of action for me is to just drop everything and walk over to the nearest bridge. (Lot of these things in Charleston.)

This new series of stresses from our government rests atop a mountain of other problems that would take too long to delve into, and the very idea of trying to maintain seven consecutive days of positive thinking sounds like the most daunting task. My gut doesn’t want to do it, my heart needs to do it, and my brain wants to die. How do, Doc?

Thank you for reading, I hope you’re well.

Long Time Reader

DEAR LONG TIME READER: Dude, I’m gonna stop you right there: you don’t need to practice positivity so much as get help RIGHT THE F

K NOW.

Trust me: I’ve dealt with depression most of my life including some really dark points and once suicidal thoughts enters the picture it’s time to to talk to a professional not a loud-mouth with a blog. I have been there, I have done that and I will tell you from personal experience that the best thing for you is to find a counselor or therapist and start unpacking this with them. The always awesome Captain Awkward has a great post on how to find mental health care on her site, especially if money is a factor.

So I want you to put down my book, close your browser pick up the phone and make an appointment right goddamn now. I mean it: I want you to talk to a professional before you do ANYTHING else.

After you do that… write back and let me know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)