DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m really curious what advice you may have for me here, just because I think this may simply be an issue where I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Nevertheless, I think you’ll ‘get’ it and if nothing else I’m going to use this as an opportunity to get something off my chest.

So first things first. I’m 29, and I just got married. I completely adore my wife, what we have is as real as it gets, and our relationship just ‘works’ for so many reasons. We’re on the same page about not wanting children, and I’m just really happy and proud about the life we’re building together.

A bit of background… we were close friends throughout college. She had several boyfriends and I was obsessing over other girls and doing nothing about it, and we really just never thought of each other in that way until right before graduation when we fell in love and have been together ever since. Another piece of the puzzle here is I was completely celibate during college, not by choice haha. I had a girlfriend for the last 6 months of high school, so I wasn’t a virgin going into college but I just didn’t have my life together… nerdy before I knew how to make nerdy work for me, massive crushes that I was too scared to act on because I was putting them on such a pedestal and just generally too focused on finding the magic fairytale love story when I should’ve been more go with the flow and open to fun experiences.

Hey, I get it. We all have to live with some regrets, obviously. I can’t change the past. But I have to say, it’s been challenging at times over the last decade seeing things like the rise of swiping dating apps that would’ve made things SO MUCH easier for shy guys like me in college to at least initiate contact, or even just the rise of nerd culture and nerdy things becoming way more socially acceptable. It is hard for my mind not to sometimes ponder how successful I’d be if I were single today. I feel like I’m infinitely more dateable at 30 than I was at 20. I have a stable career, I know how to dress, I think I’m reasonably attractive, I’m not terrified of women anymore and have more sexual confidence– simply put I just have more mileage, better self-worth and am way more comfortable in my own skin than I was in college.

I think it’s probably very normal for married guys to think about the good ol’ days of being single, but I guess my issue is I regret not doing anything with those good ol’ days and sometimes I get a bit freaked out that I will never experience another first kiss or see what my sexual chemistry with someone else might be, or experience the thrill of the chase– no matter how much I love my wife (and I do, and I believe our sex life is healthy). It’s just the curiosity that gnaws at me. I’m not saying I have any plans to do anything, because I really have it great now and definitely don’t want to screw it all up for something I’d instantly regret. I don’t believe I could ever cheat. I just worry that if I’m feeling this now, will it ever get any better, years down the road? Or will it turn into more of an obsession that eats away at me? I really don’t want to feel resentment about my marriage. I try to stay focused on all the positives. I know for a fact that a lot of my married friends have similar regrets, and I wonder about how common of an issue this is overall.

I’ve done research into open relationships and “hall passes” and honestly…while I love the idea in theory of getting a small window of time try and sew a few wild oats and get that out of my system (I’d be be willing to reciprocate that)…at the same time, I know all those paths have significant risks and downfalls, and based on comments she’s made in the past I don’t think she’s open to that. So me even trying to broach that subject would probably just be hurtful and pointless. She’s not a jealous type, we have a lot of trust in our relationship, but I think her hearing that I’m even daydreaming in those terms may be a shock to her and I really don’t want to hurt her just because I’m having a quarter life crisis. And it’s not only about wanting some strange (although that certainly factors in). I’ve thought a lot about it, and honestly I think I just also just craving the validation that yes, I can be desirable to other women too and to see if I’d have any ‘game’ now, because I had 0 before…I’ve literally never asked a girl out on a date in my life. I’ve never been on a first date with someone who I wasn’t previously friends with. It’s not that it’s a bad thing, but I guess it just feels like there’s this whole side of myself and the dating world that I never got a chance to explore.

It’s quite possible there is nothing to be done here except for me to just suck it up, be grateful that I have something that most singles are looking for, and move on. But these thoughts have gotten frequent enough that I wanted to take the first step of acknowledging that there may be a problem here.

Thanks,

Fear of Missing Out 

DEAR FEAR OF MISSING OUT: You’re not wrong that this is an incredibly common issue, FOMO. Lots of people – men and women both – have moments of wondering what might be if they were single right now instead of in a relationship. The fact that you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you won’t be interested in other people. You agreed that you weren’t going to sleep with other people; that doesn’t mean that you won’t want to. This is true of pretty much everyone; welcome to being a primate with a sex-drive.

Similarly, the fact that you’re fantasizing about being single again doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner, or that something’s wrong with your relationship. This is also something a lot of partnered people experience, for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes it’s the desire for novelty; that first kiss or the excitement of the initial courtship and getting to know somebody new. Other times it’s simple boredom; even the hottest and most passionate relationship will cool over time, especially as the day-to-day responsibilities of a life together pile up. Still other times, it’s the idea of “what did I miss out on” and still other times it’s that the person in question entered into a monogamous commitment that they weren’t actually suited for.

There’re the folks for whom it’s not even a matter of desire, so much as wanting to be desired. It’s a wish for validation, the knowledge that you still (or finally) have it. Sure, your partner may want you and need you… but that’s hardly the same as a stranger thinking that you’re hot sex on toast, is it? Or the knowledge that if you wanted to, you could hook up with that hottie you saw at the gym or Starbucks or what-have-you.

And then, of course, there’s the dawning realization that maybe, just maybe, you made a mistake. You overestimated your feelings and rounded up what would’ve been a happy short-term relationship to a lifetime commitment or just agreed to something that you didn’t realize you didn’t actually want until it was too late.

To answer your question: yes, this is going to be something that you’re going to feel, whether you’re with your wife or any theoretical future partner. Regardless of whether you stay with her or you find yourself free to date again, if you’re pursuing monogamous relationships, there’s always going to be a “no more first kisses” moment. That’s part of the price of entry to the relationships you seem to want.

The key to handling this – especially without making a mistake and detonating your relationship in the process – is to understand exactly what’s at the root of this interest.  Is it that you feel like you have something to prove to your past self? Are you someone who just can’t make a long-term monogamous commitment and require sexual novelty? Do you legitimately want out? Or is it just old-fashioned “what-if”ing?

The more you understand just what the problem is, the more you’ll understand how to navigate the issue. There’s nothing wrong, for example, with harmless sport flirting if the opportunity arises. Flirting without intent is one way to get the charge of knowing that other people think you’re hot without actually risking your relationship; plus, you can take that erotic charge and plow it into your relationship with your wife. If it’s a case of missing the early spark in your relationship, then the answer is to remember why those early days were so exciting. Part of what makes the sex so enticing when you’re just starting out is that it’s new and risky. You have to put in work to make it happen and actually seduce your partner – even as the two of you may be determined to rip the clothes off one another. In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to fall into a rut where sex just happens. The more the two of you have to work for it, the more excitement you can bring back to it, the hotter it gets. So start breaking out of the routine and screw like teenagers again. Take some risks – find a quiet place to park and sneak into the back seat of your car, hook up in the bathroom of a bar or a broom closet at work. The novelty and the effort and the low-key risk will give sex a spice and urgency that it doesn’t currently have.

If it’s just a case of wanting new and different… well, that’s what porn and sex-toys are for. Either by yourself or with your wife.

However, I don’t think an open relationship is necessarily what you want right now. While I certainly wouldn’t argue against your studying up on them, I don’t think your issue is that you’re not built for monogamy, I think it’s that you want the validation of being desired by other people and having the game you didn’t have when you were younger. And while I understand the desire to go out and test this, I think the potential cost to your relationship – one that you say you’re otherwise satisfied with – is far greater than the reward.

All things considered, this is a relatively minor itch, FOMO and one that’s easily scratched. It’s not something to get overly concerned about or to risk your relationship over. Focus on the underlying cause rather than the symptom, and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about “how to handle women with poor social skills”.

While dating and approaching women I have had the problem that some women can’t pick any signal that I give and it is really really frustrating. The lack of response or follow up to a signal makes wondering if the other is interested at all. At some point, I retreat to avoid an awkward situation. However, lack of a signal doesn’t always imply lack of interest (sometimes it does imply lack of interest – especially when the woman is socially skilled and proactive).

I would guess that this problem may be more common that one would guess initially. The reasons for inactivity and lack of response could be shyness, lack of social skills or some level of autism. The woman can be really sweet and interested but her social skills can be really bad. Lack of social skills makes reading the situation and the whole social interaction harder. Could you provide some advice?

Thanks,

Clueless

DEAR CLUELESS: There’re two possibilities here, Clueless. The first is that they legitimately don’t pick up on your signals, either because you aren’t great at sending them or they just don’t get them. The other is that they know exactly what it is you’re saying and they’re just not interested and they’re hoping that by “missing” your signal, you’ll get the hint and move on.

But as a general rule, if you think they’re not picking up what you’re putting down for whatever reason, then use your words. Don’t give signals, say it explicitly. “Hey, I think you’re awesome and like to take you out on a proper date. How do you feel about $COOL_THING_A and $COOL_THING_B?” “I would love to kiss you right now.” “Want to make out?” “Should we take this to the bedroom?” etc. There are a lot of folks out there who’d appreciate it if people would just straight up say what it is they mean instead of hinting or dropping clues like the Riddler. You may well be dealing with people like that. And if you are? Being the person to just lay it out there without any room for misunderstanding would make you exactly who they’re looking for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I dated my ex for a couple of years, including him moving in with me. He seemed like a nice, affable, kind of dorky guy, though with some severe flakiness issues and a distressing tendency to lie when he thought the truth would upset me.

He didn’t move out until the end of last year, around a year after we stopped dating (he was in my spare room, including while we were actually dating). I pretty much had to kick him out, I was tired of him barely paying rent, eating my food without asking, breaking things without apologizing or offering to fix/pay for them, et cetera, et cetera.

We broke up because of a bunch of things–the aforementioned breakage and non-rent-payment, his lying, his stupidity about money, sexual incompatibility, his whining, and probably other things that aren’t coming to mind at the moment.

I think he thinks… we could still get back together. It ain’t happening, and I have told him so, multiple times. But he still does things like randomly (without calling) showing up at my house. He gave me an inappropriately large number of board games (most of which I don’t especially want) for Christmas/my birthday. He recently, for no reason that I could determine, bought me a (nearly $50) ticket to a play–just me, he couldn’t afford 2 tickets. Frankly, if he’s going to give me something, I’d rather he give me a check to pay for some of his unpaid rent (to the tune of nearly $1000, even though I was charging him well below market rates even after we stopped dating). I’ve told him that, too, to no apparent effect.

I’m not sure how to get through to him that we’re not getting back together, no matter how many unexpected (and unreciprocated) presents he gives me, no matter how much he whines at me, no matter how many times he shows up at my door, whatever. And that if he wants to be neutral, non-romantic friends, he’d get a lot further by giving me a check for back rent and a sincere apology than by showering me with a bunch of presents I don’t really want.

I am… hesitant to be, shall we say, unnecessarily harsh about cutting off all contact, partly because I have at least some slim hopes of getting some of the money back (I’m pretty poor myself). But he’s seriously getting on my nerves, and my mom (who is… well, I have Asperger’s, so I’m not the best judge of character sometimes, she is afaik neurotypical) is legitimately afraid that he’ll do something like, oh, lay in wait to ambush me, or break into my house while I’m gone, or something.

(if it makes a difference, both of us are in our 40s, and I don’t presently have a roommate–or, unfortunately, a boyfriend)

Do you think my mom’s overreacting? Do you think there’s any way I can get through to him about the “No, really, back rent, please”? Should I be refusing his gifts? (one of the games was one I really wanted, and the play ticket would have gone to waste if I didn’t go, it was non-refundable)? Do you think he might be a legitimate danger to me? Is there anything else you think I should be doing, or shouldn’t be doing, or should be doing differently?

Damsel In Dis Dress

DEAR DAMSEL IN DIS DRESS: While I understand worrying about the potential for violence from an ex… this doesn’t sound like the behavior of someone who’s dangerous, DiDD. This sounds more like someone who took all the wrong lessons from Say Anything and other rom-coms and is trying to find some way to stay in your life and work his way back into your good graces. He’s trying to basically buy your affection back.

Now, it’s understandable that his tendency to show up unannounced can be unnerving, it doesn’t sound like he’s compounding this with other more threatening behaviors or escalating in ways that might raise red flags. So I don’t think you’re really at risk here outside of him having a sad at you. Which, to be fair, can be a little embarrassing but not really dangerous.

However, I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors by accepting his gifts. You know that you can’t be bought, but to him, accepting them means that he’s one step closer to winning your love back, so he’s going to keep at it.

It’s time to throw up some big fuck-off boundaries. I think your best bet here is to just put your foot down and have a come-to-Jesus talk with him the next time he tries to bribe you with stuff. He needs to hear more than just “We are never getting back together,” he needs to hear “Stop coming to my house, stop giving me presents and stop acting like this is going to fix things because it is not.” I’d possibly also throw in a “if you have the money to buy me boardgames, you have the money to pay the rent you owe me,” but I suspect he may see that as the opening to negotiations, not “..And you also owe me a thousand dollars on top of this.”

And then hold firm. If he brings you anything other than a check for the rent and an apology, then tell him to get lost. Don’t answer his calls. Don’t open his emails. Block him on social media and tell your friends not to give him access to you too. He has burned through your good-will. If you feel like it would make a difference, you can return the boardgames. Personally, I’d consider them an inconvenience tax. Sell the ones you don’t intend to keep and call it interest on the money he owes you.

And if he does scrape the rent together… well, he doesn’t need to deliver that in person either. Dropping it in the mail works just fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a fan of your work for a long time. You introduced me to Feminism at a critical time in my life, you helped me value therapy and emotional intelligence, and you inspired me to take my earliest baby steps toward being a functioning adult. Along the way, I’ve stumbled, and I’ve been spiraling down a deep and depressing years-long regression. Finally realizing this, I’m going back to my roots to realign myself on the path of improvement, reading your work in New Game +.

But the specific point that I’m emailing you is for some advice on practicing positivity. In New Game + on page 21, you recommend exercising positive thinking by spending, “seven consecutive days consciously not thinking anything negative about anyone.”

I see the practical benefits of trying this, and I want to. But in the moment, I feel my enthusiasm dwarfed by the terrible reality of our current government. Maybe this is another case of self-limiting beliefs mixed with blaming the government for my personal problems. But ever since the results of the election, I’ve been getting sadder and angrier by the day. I have to avoid keeping up-to-date with all of the events of the day, or I spiral into recurring thoughts of applying some final solutions to people in the public sector. Every moment I’m reminded of the people in power, I can’t focus and become irrational. And very recently, my daily talk-myself-out-of-suicides are getting more difficult, because it isn’t so much an overwhelming emotional urge, which I typically argue myself out of with rational thinking. Now, it seems increasingly like the most rational course of action for me is to just drop everything and walk over to the nearest bridge. (Lot of these things in Charleston.)

This new series of stresses from our government rests atop a mountain of other problems that would take too long to delve into, and the very idea of trying to maintain seven consecutive days of positive thinking sounds like the most daunting task. My gut doesn’t want to do it, my heart needs to do it, and my brain wants to die. How do, Doc?

Thank you for reading, I hope you’re well.

Long Time Reader

DEAR LONG TIME READER: Dude, I’m gonna stop you right there: you don’t need to practice positivity so much as get help RIGHT THE F

K NOW.

Trust me: I’ve dealt with depression most of my life including some really dark points and once suicidal thoughts enters the picture it’s time to to talk to a professional not a loud-mouth with a blog. I have been there, I have done that and I will tell you from personal experience that the best thing for you is to find a counselor or therapist and start unpacking this with them. The always awesome Captain Awkward has a great post on how to find mental health care on her site, especially if money is a factor.

So I want you to put down my book, close your browser pick up the phone and make an appointment right goddamn now. I mean it: I want you to talk to a professional before you do ANYTHING else.

After you do that… write back and let me know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a college-aged gay male (not particularly important, but I’ll put it out there anyways) and there’s this guy that I’ve hooked up with a handful of times. We revealed feelings for each other on Valentine’s Day, and from there we discussed the possibility of a relationship. The only problem is, I’m very monogamous when it comes to relationships, and he’s not. So from there we decided to call off the idea of a relationship if either way one of us would not be fulfilled in what we want.

When we were discussing ways to have a relationship (before we called it off), we discussed compromises where we could be open, but have restrictions on when we could exercise our openness (like get permission from the other when we wanted to hookup with a guy, only a certain amount of hookups allowed per month, etc). Anyways, every time he was talking about how some of those compromises would go and he specifically mentioned the act of him sleeping with someone else, I would start getting anxiety, almost to the point of an anxiety attack.

Now that we’re just friends with benefits, you’d think that that would go away, right? Wrong. Just today we were discussing the idea of having someone come over next time we hook up to show me how to indulge in a particular kink that needs some training, and yet that have me some anxiety. Hell, when I texted him today about what he was doing and he said he just got back from hanging out with a kinky friend (platonically), that even that ruffled me a bit.

So my question is: is this jealousy normal for someone who’s not even romantically involved with this other person, and are there ways to tackle it? Because for now, every time we talk about playing with a third person, or him mentioning to me that he has or will hook up with someone else, I really do lock up and instantly start acting differently: I get reserved and passive, I try to avoid the conversation as much as possible, and it’s hard for me to look at his face once I lock up. I really want to at least try to beat this anxiety, but it has yet to fail getting to me every time the topic comes up.

Sincerely,

Three’s Probably A Crowd

DEAR THREE’S PROBABLY A CROWD: You’re asking the wrong question, TPAC. I think the question you need to be asking is “how bad am I willing to let things get in order to stay in this relationship?”

I know I write a lot about openness and non-monogamy, but that doesn’t mean that an open relationship is for everyone… and it sure as hell doesn’t sound like it’s for you. It’s one thing to deal with feelings of jealousy with a partner, but it’s another entirely if the idea of them being with another person causes you to lock up and have an anxiety attack.

I think the biggest issue here is that ultimately you’re trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Your boyfriend/friend-with-benefits/it’s-complicated may be a great guy in most respects but that doesn’t mean that the two of you work together. Love – or at least infatuation, in any case – is a wonderful thing, but the fact that you’re into each other doesn’t mean that you’re right for each other. You two are sexually incompatible; you’re monogamous and he isn’t. While there can be ways of squaring that particular circle, causing you anxiety attacks is a pretty damn huge dealbreaker.

if the idea of him with another guy is leaving you gasping for breath on the floor (metaphorically speaking), trying to make this work is a recipe for pain on both your parts. You’re going to get hurt every time he hooks up with someone else and he’s going to be hurt and upset when you start to withdraw. That’s not good for either of you.

I get that you dig him, but you have to ask yourself: how long are going to be able to handle this if nothing ever changes? A month? Six months? A year? How many times are you going to be able to deal with that stabbing in your gut?

You’re going to be a lot happier with someone who’s on the same page regarding monogamy as you are, TPAC. Anxiety attacks and withdrawal are not an acceptable price of entry for a relationship.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have had a bit of trouble getting an steady girlfriend for a while. (my last serious relationships is over 6 years ago, which was btw also my first and last relationship, I am 24 now). But well, I am working on myself, and I am not feeling that self-consciousness about it anymore. Had temporary ‘flings’ in the meantime, but decided that was not something that suits me well.

Anyway, I have a bit of a problem signaling my interest to other people. And I am really struggling with signaling my interest without fearing to come off as rude/too strong etc. Sometimes, when I really really like someone, I tend to just tell them straight. (That does happen about twice a year).

I am part of the ‘hacker’ community, which is male-dominated. Last time there was a new girl whom I found very attractive. She studied mathematics and was generally fun to talk to. I made the mistake of ‘showing off’ a little too much with geeky stuff. (It felt almost as an instinctive response).We talked for a bit. At some point, I wanted to keep talking to her, but I also did not want to dominate her evening. So I excused myself to solder build-kit together in the other room. I intended to continue the conversation later in the evening, but that did not happen. She had a conversation with someone else.

We did not exchange contact details, but I think the chances of bumping into each other later on are pretty high. (we met at an ‘hacker space’, which is basically a community building for tech-minded people)

But, in such a community, I think a lot of guys would be ‘hunting’ her down already, and since she was new, I did not want her to feel intimidated, so I did not signal my interest. 

This seems to be a recurring pattern. I often do not signal my interests because I tend to think it will damage/complicate things.

So, how do I signal my interest without those fears?

Thanks, 

No Clever Nickname

DEAR NO CLEVER NICKNAME: The thing to keep in mind, SGWDWTICNN, is to realize that being attracted to someone isn’t inherently bad, nor is asking somebody out on a date automatically rude or intrusive. The way you do it can be problematic, sure. The guy who doesn’t take “no” for an answer, the guy who hovers around and chases off other guys, the dude who’s crude and insulting or uses their social circles like a pick-up bar… those guys are problems. But someone who just says “Hey, I’ve been really enjoying talking to you and I’d love to take you out to dinner some time” or “Hey, I’m going to $COOL_THING this weekend and I’d love for you to go with me” isn’t being rude or intimidating. And the guy who can get turned down and take it in stride and continue being cool with the person who turned him down? That guy’s going to be someone she’ll want to keep talking to.

So in general: if you’re low key about things and handle being turned down well, there really won’t be any problems. Now: it’s understandable that you’re worried about folks sharking on her because she’s new and pretty. You don’t want to be one of those guys. But hanging out and talking with her isn’t the same as being predatory around the new girl; that’s just being friendly. And the fact that you don’t want to dominate her evening says a lot about how you’re considerate of her feelings and comfort. You don’t have to just up and leave; you can say “Hey, I’ve been enjoying talking to you, but I don’t want to monopolize your time. Catch you a bit later?” and set the expectation that you’ll chat again – if not that night, then the next time.

Now that being said, I will advise you to be careful about alpha-nerding. I get that it’s a case of getting excited and running down the things you love because she may love them too, but that can be intimidating. Worse, it can feel less like a conversation and more like a firehose spraying nerd at someone. So for next time: slow your roll a bit and make sure she’s getting to participate in the conversation. If it helps, think of it like a game of tennis. You serve the ball, then it’s on her to volley it back. If you’re doing nothing but throwing balls at her, she doesn’t have a chance to respond or participate.

Here’s what I suggest for the next time you see her. Hang out, chat, have a good time. Then, towards the end of the conversation – when you feel it starting to wind down – tell her that you like talking to her and want to stay in touch. You might ask if it’s OK to friend her on Facebook if you’re more comfortable going that route, or you may offer your number. Let her pick whatever means of contact she’s most comfortable with. And if things are going well… ask her on a date. “Hey, I’d love to get a drink with you some time” or “hey, would you like to go see this exhibit at the tech museum this weekend?”

Being the guy who’s fun to talk to and is cool with her will help separate you from the guys who’re just cruising the fresh meat. It’ll help her feel comfortable with you; even if she doesn’t necessarily want to date, you’ll won’t be just another asshole who’s trying to get into her pants.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)