DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I dated my ex for a couple of years, including him moving in with me. He seemed like a nice, affable, kind of dorky guy, though with some severe flakiness issues and a distressing tendency to lie when he thought the truth would upset me.

He didn’t move out until the end of last year, around a year after we stopped dating (he was in my spare room, including while we were actually dating). I pretty much had to kick him out, I was tired of him barely paying rent, eating my food without asking, breaking things without apologizing or offering to fix/pay for them, et cetera, et cetera.

We broke up because of a bunch of things–the aforementioned breakage and non-rent-payment, his lying, his stupidity about money, sexual incompatibility, his whining, and probably other things that aren’t coming to mind at the moment.

I think he thinks… we could still get back together. It ain’t happening, and I have told him so, multiple times. But he still does things like randomly (without calling) showing up at my house. He gave me an inappropriately large number of board games (most of which I don’t especially want) for Christmas/my birthday. He recently, for no reason that I could determine, bought me a (nearly $50) ticket to a play–just me, he couldn’t afford 2 tickets. Frankly, if he’s going to give me something, I’d rather he give me a check to pay for some of his unpaid rent (to the tune of nearly $1000, even though I was charging him well below market rates even after we stopped dating). I’ve told him that, too, to no apparent effect.

I’m not sure how to get through to him that we’re not getting back together, no matter how many unexpected (and unreciprocated) presents he gives me, no matter how much he whines at me, no matter how many times he shows up at my door, whatever. And that if he wants to be neutral, non-romantic friends, he’d get a lot further by giving me a check for back rent and a sincere apology than by showering me with a bunch of presents I don’t really want.

I am… hesitant to be, shall we say, unnecessarily harsh about cutting off all contact, partly because I have at least some slim hopes of getting some of the money back (I’m pretty poor myself). But he’s seriously getting on my nerves, and my mom (who is… well, I have Asperger’s, so I’m not the best judge of character sometimes, she is afaik neurotypical) is legitimately afraid that he’ll do something like, oh, lay in wait to ambush me, or break into my house while I’m gone, or something.

(if it makes a difference, both of us are in our 40s, and I don’t presently have a roommate–or, unfortunately, a boyfriend)

Do you think my mom’s overreacting? Do you think there’s any way I can get through to him about the “No, really, back rent, please”? Should I be refusing his gifts? (one of the games was one I really wanted, and the play ticket would have gone to waste if I didn’t go, it was non-refundable)? Do you think he might be a legitimate danger to me? Is there anything else you think I should be doing, or shouldn’t be doing, or should be doing differently?

Damsel In Dis Dress

DEAR DAMSEL IN DIS DRESS: While I understand worrying about the potential for violence from an ex… this doesn’t sound like the behavior of someone who’s dangerous, DiDD. This sounds more like someone who took all the wrong lessons from Say Anything and other rom-coms and is trying to find some way to stay in your life and work his way back into your good graces. He’s trying to basically buy your affection back.

Now, it’s understandable that his tendency to show up unannounced can be unnerving, it doesn’t sound like he’s compounding this with other more threatening behaviors or escalating in ways that might raise red flags. So I don’t think you’re really at risk here outside of him having a sad at you. Which, to be fair, can be a little embarrassing but not really dangerous.

However, I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors by accepting his gifts. You know that you can’t be bought, but to him, accepting them means that he’s one step closer to winning your love back, so he’s going to keep at it.

It’s time to throw up some big fuck-off boundaries. I think your best bet here is to just put your foot down and have a come-to-Jesus talk with him the next time he tries to bribe you with stuff. He needs to hear more than just “We are never getting back together,” he needs to hear “Stop coming to my house, stop giving me presents and stop acting like this is going to fix things because it is not.” I’d possibly also throw in a “if you have the money to buy me boardgames, you have the money to pay the rent you owe me,” but I suspect he may see that as the opening to negotiations, not “..And you also owe me a thousand dollars on top of this.”

And then hold firm. If he brings you anything other than a check for the rent and an apology, then tell him to get lost. Don’t answer his calls. Don’t open his emails. Block him on social media and tell your friends not to give him access to you too. He has burned through your good-will. If you feel like it would make a difference, you can return the boardgames. Personally, I’d consider them an inconvenience tax. Sell the ones you don’t intend to keep and call it interest on the money he owes you.

And if he does scrape the rent together… well, he doesn’t need to deliver that in person either. Dropping it in the mail works just fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a fan of your work for a long time. You introduced me to Feminism at a critical time in my life, you helped me value therapy and emotional intelligence, and you inspired me to take my earliest baby steps toward being a functioning adult. Along the way, I’ve stumbled, and I’ve been spiraling down a deep and depressing years-long regression. Finally realizing this, I’m going back to my roots to realign myself on the path of improvement, reading your work in New Game +.

But the specific point that I’m emailing you is for some advice on practicing positivity. In New Game + on page 21, you recommend exercising positive thinking by spending, “seven consecutive days consciously not thinking anything negative about anyone.”

I see the practical benefits of trying this, and I want to. But in the moment, I feel my enthusiasm dwarfed by the terrible reality of our current government. Maybe this is another case of self-limiting beliefs mixed with blaming the government for my personal problems. But ever since the results of the election, I’ve been getting sadder and angrier by the day. I have to avoid keeping up-to-date with all of the events of the day, or I spiral into recurring thoughts of applying some final solutions to people in the public sector. Every moment I’m reminded of the people in power, I can’t focus and become irrational. And very recently, my daily talk-myself-out-of-suicides are getting more difficult, because it isn’t so much an overwhelming emotional urge, which I typically argue myself out of with rational thinking. Now, it seems increasingly like the most rational course of action for me is to just drop everything and walk over to the nearest bridge. (Lot of these things in Charleston.)

This new series of stresses from our government rests atop a mountain of other problems that would take too long to delve into, and the very idea of trying to maintain seven consecutive days of positive thinking sounds like the most daunting task. My gut doesn’t want to do it, my heart needs to do it, and my brain wants to die. How do, Doc?

Thank you for reading, I hope you’re well.

Long Time Reader

DEAR LONG TIME READER: Dude, I’m gonna stop you right there: you don’t need to practice positivity so much as get help RIGHT THE F

K NOW.

Trust me: I’ve dealt with depression most of my life including some really dark points and once suicidal thoughts enters the picture it’s time to to talk to a professional not a loud-mouth with a blog. I have been there, I have done that and I will tell you from personal experience that the best thing for you is to find a counselor or therapist and start unpacking this with them. The always awesome Captain Awkward has a great post on how to find mental health care on her site, especially if money is a factor.

So I want you to put down my book, close your browser pick up the phone and make an appointment right goddamn now. I mean it: I want you to talk to a professional before you do ANYTHING else.

After you do that… write back and let me know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a college-aged gay male (not particularly important, but I’ll put it out there anyways) and there’s this guy that I’ve hooked up with a handful of times. We revealed feelings for each other on Valentine’s Day, and from there we discussed the possibility of a relationship. The only problem is, I’m very monogamous when it comes to relationships, and he’s not. So from there we decided to call off the idea of a relationship if either way one of us would not be fulfilled in what we want.

When we were discussing ways to have a relationship (before we called it off), we discussed compromises where we could be open, but have restrictions on when we could exercise our openness (like get permission from the other when we wanted to hookup with a guy, only a certain amount of hookups allowed per month, etc). Anyways, every time he was talking about how some of those compromises would go and he specifically mentioned the act of him sleeping with someone else, I would start getting anxiety, almost to the point of an anxiety attack.

Now that we’re just friends with benefits, you’d think that that would go away, right? Wrong. Just today we were discussing the idea of having someone come over next time we hook up to show me how to indulge in a particular kink that needs some training, and yet that have me some anxiety. Hell, when I texted him today about what he was doing and he said he just got back from hanging out with a kinky friend (platonically), that even that ruffled me a bit.

So my question is: is this jealousy normal for someone who’s not even romantically involved with this other person, and are there ways to tackle it? Because for now, every time we talk about playing with a third person, or him mentioning to me that he has or will hook up with someone else, I really do lock up and instantly start acting differently: I get reserved and passive, I try to avoid the conversation as much as possible, and it’s hard for me to look at his face once I lock up. I really want to at least try to beat this anxiety, but it has yet to fail getting to me every time the topic comes up.

Sincerely,

Three’s Probably A Crowd

DEAR THREE’S PROBABLY A CROWD: You’re asking the wrong question, TPAC. I think the question you need to be asking is “how bad am I willing to let things get in order to stay in this relationship?”

I know I write a lot about openness and non-monogamy, but that doesn’t mean that an open relationship is for everyone… and it sure as hell doesn’t sound like it’s for you. It’s one thing to deal with feelings of jealousy with a partner, but it’s another entirely if the idea of them being with another person causes you to lock up and have an anxiety attack.

I think the biggest issue here is that ultimately you’re trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Your boyfriend/friend-with-benefits/it’s-complicated may be a great guy in most respects but that doesn’t mean that the two of you work together. Love – or at least infatuation, in any case – is a wonderful thing, but the fact that you’re into each other doesn’t mean that you’re right for each other. You two are sexually incompatible; you’re monogamous and he isn’t. While there can be ways of squaring that particular circle, causing you anxiety attacks is a pretty damn huge dealbreaker.

if the idea of him with another guy is leaving you gasping for breath on the floor (metaphorically speaking), trying to make this work is a recipe for pain on both your parts. You’re going to get hurt every time he hooks up with someone else and he’s going to be hurt and upset when you start to withdraw. That’s not good for either of you.

I get that you dig him, but you have to ask yourself: how long are going to be able to handle this if nothing ever changes? A month? Six months? A year? How many times are you going to be able to deal with that stabbing in your gut?

You’re going to be a lot happier with someone who’s on the same page regarding monogamy as you are, TPAC. Anxiety attacks and withdrawal are not an acceptable price of entry for a relationship.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have had a bit of trouble getting an steady girlfriend for a while. (my last serious relationships is over 6 years ago, which was btw also my first and last relationship, I am 24 now). But well, I am working on myself, and I am not feeling that self-consciousness about it anymore. Had temporary ‘flings’ in the meantime, but decided that was not something that suits me well.

Anyway, I have a bit of a problem signaling my interest to other people. And I am really struggling with signaling my interest without fearing to come off as rude/too strong etc. Sometimes, when I really really like someone, I tend to just tell them straight. (That does happen about twice a year).

I am part of the ‘hacker’ community, which is male-dominated. Last time there was a new girl whom I found very attractive. She studied mathematics and was generally fun to talk to. I made the mistake of ‘showing off’ a little too much with geeky stuff. (It felt almost as an instinctive response).We talked for a bit. At some point, I wanted to keep talking to her, but I also did not want to dominate her evening. So I excused myself to solder build-kit together in the other room. I intended to continue the conversation later in the evening, but that did not happen. She had a conversation with someone else.

We did not exchange contact details, but I think the chances of bumping into each other later on are pretty high. (we met at an ‘hacker space’, which is basically a community building for tech-minded people)

But, in such a community, I think a lot of guys would be ‘hunting’ her down already, and since she was new, I did not want her to feel intimidated, so I did not signal my interest. 

This seems to be a recurring pattern. I often do not signal my interests because I tend to think it will damage/complicate things.

So, how do I signal my interest without those fears?

Thanks, 

No Clever Nickname

DEAR NO CLEVER NICKNAME: The thing to keep in mind, SGWDWTICNN, is to realize that being attracted to someone isn’t inherently bad, nor is asking somebody out on a date automatically rude or intrusive. The way you do it can be problematic, sure. The guy who doesn’t take “no” for an answer, the guy who hovers around and chases off other guys, the dude who’s crude and insulting or uses their social circles like a pick-up bar… those guys are problems. But someone who just says “Hey, I’ve been really enjoying talking to you and I’d love to take you out to dinner some time” or “Hey, I’m going to $COOL_THING this weekend and I’d love for you to go with me” isn’t being rude or intimidating. And the guy who can get turned down and take it in stride and continue being cool with the person who turned him down? That guy’s going to be someone she’ll want to keep talking to.

So in general: if you’re low key about things and handle being turned down well, there really won’t be any problems. Now: it’s understandable that you’re worried about folks sharking on her because she’s new and pretty. You don’t want to be one of those guys. But hanging out and talking with her isn’t the same as being predatory around the new girl; that’s just being friendly. And the fact that you don’t want to dominate her evening says a lot about how you’re considerate of her feelings and comfort. You don’t have to just up and leave; you can say “Hey, I’ve been enjoying talking to you, but I don’t want to monopolize your time. Catch you a bit later?” and set the expectation that you’ll chat again – if not that night, then the next time.

Now that being said, I will advise you to be careful about alpha-nerding. I get that it’s a case of getting excited and running down the things you love because she may love them too, but that can be intimidating. Worse, it can feel less like a conversation and more like a firehose spraying nerd at someone. So for next time: slow your roll a bit and make sure she’s getting to participate in the conversation. If it helps, think of it like a game of tennis. You serve the ball, then it’s on her to volley it back. If you’re doing nothing but throwing balls at her, she doesn’t have a chance to respond or participate.

Here’s what I suggest for the next time you see her. Hang out, chat, have a good time. Then, towards the end of the conversation – when you feel it starting to wind down – tell her that you like talking to her and want to stay in touch. You might ask if it’s OK to friend her on Facebook if you’re more comfortable going that route, or you may offer your number. Let her pick whatever means of contact she’s most comfortable with. And if things are going well… ask her on a date. “Hey, I’d love to get a drink with you some time” or “hey, would you like to go see this exhibit at the tech museum this weekend?”

Being the guy who’s fun to talk to and is cool with her will help separate you from the guys who’re just cruising the fresh meat. It’ll help her feel comfortable with you; even if she doesn’t necessarily want to date, you’ll won’t be just another asshole who’s trying to get into her pants.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a cumulative 5 months. We were head over heels for each other almost immediately. It was like something out of an Avril Lavigne song – he was a video game animator, she was a model, what more can I say?

His father had passed away a year ago, and he immediately started to treat me like the only bright spot in his life. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, and was so grateful to him for legitimately wanting me to be happy and, you know, not hitting me. I realize that these are pretty terrible reasons to love someone.

After 4 months, I got a job in New Jersey, and he got a job in California. So we parted ways with promises to make the distance work. But once I had some space away from him, I started to get some perspective. I realized that we had 3 major problems.

1. He didn’t really respect my needs or wishes. He often wouldn’t take no for an answer. If I didn’t want to have sex, or if I didn’t want to drink anymore, often he would just ooze through my boundaries and I would find myself unexpectedly doing things that I didn’t want to be doing.

2. I was always frustrated with him for being irresponsible. He’s A LOT older than me, but I always felt like I had to be Mommy.

3. I have no backbone. I panic and lock up at the thought of telling people things that will upset them, especially in the context of relationships and dating.

So. When he returned to the east coast, I drove 6 hours to meet him and break things off. It seemed like the decent thing to do. But as soon as I started saying that I wasn’t happy in the relationship, he interrupted me, saying “Well I’ve never loved anyone as much as you. I’ve never wanted to be with someone for the rest of my life.” And then HE PROPOSED. I said that it didn’t seem like a good idea to get married when we were on the rocks. I then fled the state, and broke up with him over the phone once I was safely home.

A month later, he hopped on a train to New Jersey to win me back. I felt so guilty, and he’s really good at feeding that guilt. The truth is, I should have stuck to my guns. I shouldn’t even have agreed to see him. But I did see him, and I did take him back.

I can’t persuade him. I can’t talk to him and have my words register in his one-track mind. How do I get out of this relationship for good? I know that texting someone to break up is pretty much the worst, but I’m scared that if I give him any opportunity to respond, that I’ll give in and remain trapped in this situation.

Sincerely,

Miserable Invertebrate

DEAR MISERABLE INVERTEBRATE: Before I get to your question, MI, I want to point something out. Your letter provides an interesting example of how a toxic relationship doesn’t always look the way we expect them to. A toxic relationship doesn’t necessarily look like a Lifetime made-for-tv movie with a cruel, demanding or overbearing partner domineering over the other person. Sometimes the toxic partner can be subtle or position themselves as the wounded party and leverage the other person’s guilt against them. They may just blithely ignore their partner’s boundaries while acting like there’s absolutely nothing wrong and behaving like they have every right to do whatever they want. And – as in many cases – they’re often very good at giving just enough plausible deniability that their victims don’t have any one thing they can point to as a sign that something’s wrong. Instead, you’re left with the vague feeling that something’s off and being convinced that this isn’t really enough to end a relationship.

But the fact of the matter is, the only reason you need to end a relationship is “because you want to.” There’s no council you have to convince or a judge who has to give their approval to your reasons. If you want out, then ultimately, that’s all the reason you need.

(To be fair: this isn’t automatically a good reason. But it is a valid one, good or not.)

Now let’s get to your problem MI. Fortunately, the solution is very simple: you dump him. It’s a unilateral decision and you’ve decided that it’s over.

You don’t persuade him, because there’s no need to. Breaking up isn’t like launching nuclear missiles. You don’t need to both agree to turn the keys before the relationship ends. You just say “I’m breaking up with you,” and you’re broken up. You don’t need to make the words sink in, because you don’t need him to agree; you just state the facts because he can’t keep you in a relationship against your will. You don’t negotiate because this isn’t a negotiation. You don’t need to be “fair” because fairness never enters into this; being “fair” to him is being unfair to you. You don’t need to “give him an opportunity to have his say” because this isn’t a discussion. You don’t need to justify it. You don’t need to explain it. You state the facts and you just state them over and over again because there’s nothing else to say. “No” is a complete sentence. By presenting a solid wall of “No, we’re broken up,” you give him fewer opportunities to try to weasel his way past your boundaries.

But while we’re talking about your Once-and-Future Ex’s ability to change your mind: don’t give him the opportunity. While under normal circumstances I do, in fact, believe that couples should break up in person if at all possible, there are times when that’s just unreasonable. And if you’re talking about your own personal version of Kilgrave, then that’s very unreasonable. So it’s time to apply the Nuclear Option: you text him that you don’t want to talk to him, that you don’t want to see him and you sure as hell don’t want to date him and this is over. Period, the end. Then you block him on every form of communication you own. If you’re worried that he’ll try to bankshot back into your life off your friends or parents, you tell them that in no circumstances do you ever want to hear from him again, no matter what he tells them. And if they can’t respect your boundary there… well, then it’s time to start cutting their access to you too. 

He can’t persuade you if he can’t talk to you. Now take a little time to forgive yourself for being a caring and sensitive person.

Straight talk though: developing your boundaries and a willingness to enforce them isn’t a good idea, it’s a survival skill, and one you need to cultivate through active practice. Fortunately, this is going to be a great opportunity to practice. Saying “no” to him – not “no, but” or “no, because” but just “no” is going to help you grind that skill.

So go nuclear. Give him the news via text, then immediately block him. And practice saying “no” often and regularly.

You’re strong. You’ve got this. And write back so we know how you’re doing.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 35-year old straight man that has a strong sex drive. A VERY strong sex drive. This has created problems in the past with relationships as I’m basically DTF 24/7, need very little refractory time, some to have an endless supply of energy and am generally insatiable. When I was a younger man, it was even stronger, but I was generally able to find partners that were equally driven and/or accommodating to my 3-6 times a day habit.I almost married a girl that had similar demands on me, and the three years I was with her, we spent most of our free time in the bedroom.

However, her and I broke up a few years back, and I went through a long dry spell of two years as I nursed my heart back to a place where it could deal with the conveyor belt of rejection that is dating. During this dry spell, my drive diminished a bit but I still took care of myself at least once a day, often 2-3 times. About a year ago, I felt ready and got into online dating. I went on many a date, mostly awkwardly flubbing the stupid games of online dating but slowly getting the hang of things to the point where I have had a few 1-2 month flings in the past year. However, dating women close to my age I’ve found that is not nearly the desire to jump in the sack that I still retain. I have been told that I’m immature in my randiness and that anyone that wants to have sex as often as I do hasn’t grown up. I broke up with one due to simply being completely sexually incompatible as she had almost no desire at all, and more recently I was dating a polyamorous woman that loved frequent sex and even she couldn’t keep up with me (to be fair, she claimed that I took too much of her time, being solo poly as she was and wanting to spend more time with others.)

There is a physical problem that is happening too. While I have no problems when I am solo, but when I’m with a partner, I have be experiencing delayed ejaculations randomly but frequently enough to be concerned. I’ve looked at sites like NoFap and I have mostly cut porn out of the equation for fear that I’ve gained a dopamine resistance that may be causing the problem, and have gone days or even weeks without touching myself (which makes me get long-term insomnia) and the problem remains when with a partner.

The result is that I can’t really keep a relationship because women get sick of it, and I shouldn’t be jerking off 5 times a day but then I can’t sleep and on the occasion I sleep with someone new I often can’t come. What the hell am I supposed to do about this? HELP!

-Never Not Thinking It

DEAR NEVER NOT THINKING IT: You have a high sex drive, NNTI. That’s not good, that’s not bad, that’s just how you are. Welcome to the wild and wooly world of being a human, where sex drives and libido fall on a spectrum from asexual to satyr-like and everywhere in between. Your problem isn’t that you’re horny – presuming, that is, that your horniness isn’t actively interfering with your every day life – it’s your relationship to your own body. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting sex. There’s nothing wrong with wanting lots of sex. Being rabidly horny doesn’t mean you’re immature, nor does having a lower sex drive mean you’re more adult It’s how you respond to your libido that’s going to speak more to your maturity or lack thereof. For example, if you’re not letting your masturbatory habits drive you to choking the chicken at inappropriate times (such as, say, on the job), get in the way of your life (you were late for that important meeting because you had to rub one out) and you’re not wearing holes in your genitals, there’s really nothing wrong with masturbating five times a day.

I mean, other than potential dehydration, anyway.

On the other hand, if you’ve constantly got your hand down your pants to the point you don’t even notice it or you’re annoying your partner with wanting to get off repeatedly… well then you’ve got a problem. But the problem is the expression of that desire, not the desire itself.

You do have to accept that being incredibly horny all the time is going to be an issue for some folks though. For starters: you’re going to have a harder time finding someone who’s 100% sexually compatible with you. People with libidos that consistently high are going to be rare on the ground under the best of circumstances. You’re going to have to accept that in the context of a relationship, you’re not going to get laid every single time you want it and you’re going to need to learn to be OK with this. Even for women who do like to have sex frequently, there comes a point where PIV sex goes from being fun to painful, no matter how much lube one uses. There’re only so much oral and hand action a person can give before things start to cramp and get sore or you simply don’t have time for. Expanding your definition of what “sex” is to the two of you – including, say, mutual masturbation or your partner giving you an assist via dirty talk or teasing you while you masturbate – will give you both options for sexual activity to help keep you both satisfied.

But at the same time, you’re going to have to be willing to accept that there will be times your partner won’t be up for sex of any kind and you’ll need to take care of yourself… without complaint or making them feel bad for not servicing you right then and there.

Which brings us to the next part of your letter: your inability to get off with a partner. I think you have two issues here, one physiological and one psychological. The first is that I suspect you’ve got Death Grip Syndrome or what some doctors call “idiosyncratic masturbation habits” – that is, you’ve basically carved a groove into your brain with the way you masturbate. One thing that a lot of people do is that they functionally train themselves to respond to very specific stimulation, to the point that they no longer respond to other forms of stimulation. So if you have a very specific masturbatory pattern, especially one that incorporates texture or pressure that the human vagina, anus or mouth can’t replicate, then you’re going to have a much harder time getting off when you’re not bashing the bludger.

The other problem is psychological. You are so ashamed of your sex drive and worried about being judged for it – especially after some of your exes’ bulls

t, holy crap – that it’s harder to get off in partnered sex. I think the more you come to accept yourself and your sex drive as normal and not something to be ashamed of, the less that this will be an issue.

So what do you do? Well, part of undoing Death Grip Syndrome is basically giving up all forms of masturbation until you basically have starved yourself to the point that any contact will get you off.  Now somebody call Sir Mix-A-Lot because there’s a big ol’ but coming….

BUT.

When you do start masturbating again, you can’t go back to your old pattern. That just completely undoes all the hard (heh) work you’ve done. The whole point of re-sensitizing your dick is to get it to respond to a wider variety of sensations, speeds, textures and pressure. You need to vary things up – use your non-dominant hand, use lots of lube, use a little lube, use a spiral grip, go slow, go VERY slow, use as little pressure as possible, etc. Otherwise you’re just going to end up back in the same place you were before. Don’t worry about NoFap – it’s basically bulls

t – or dopamine resistance (ditto) and focus more on changing your habits.

So, my advice: take ownership of your libido. It is what it is, you are who you are, and frankly there’s nothing wrong with it. Accept that you’re going to be responsible for you own gratification at least some of the time so that you’re not annoying your partner with how much you want to get laid. Get yourself a masturbation sleeve like a Tenga Flip or a Fleshlight and some (water-based) lube – not only will that help you for the times when your girlfriend isn’t interested, but it’ll help avoid getting stuck in Death Grip Syndrome again.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)