DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a cumulative 5 months. We were head over heels for each other almost immediately. It was like something out of an Avril Lavigne song – he was a video game animator, she was a model, what more can I say?

His father had passed away a year ago, and he immediately started to treat me like the only bright spot in his life. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, and was so grateful to him for legitimately wanting me to be happy and, you know, not hitting me. I realize that these are pretty terrible reasons to love someone.

After 4 months, I got a job in New Jersey, and he got a job in California. So we parted ways with promises to make the distance work. But once I had some space away from him, I started to get some perspective. I realized that we had 3 major problems.

1. He didn’t really respect my needs or wishes. He often wouldn’t take no for an answer. If I didn’t want to have sex, or if I didn’t want to drink anymore, often he would just ooze through my boundaries and I would find myself unexpectedly doing things that I didn’t want to be doing.

2. I was always frustrated with him for being irresponsible. He’s A LOT older than me, but I always felt like I had to be Mommy.

3. I have no backbone. I panic and lock up at the thought of telling people things that will upset them, especially in the context of relationships and dating.

So. When he returned to the east coast, I drove 6 hours to meet him and break things off. It seemed like the decent thing to do. But as soon as I started saying that I wasn’t happy in the relationship, he interrupted me, saying “Well I’ve never loved anyone as much as you. I’ve never wanted to be with someone for the rest of my life.” And then HE PROPOSED. I said that it didn’t seem like a good idea to get married when we were on the rocks. I then fled the state, and broke up with him over the phone once I was safely home.

A month later, he hopped on a train to New Jersey to win me back. I felt so guilty, and he’s really good at feeding that guilt. The truth is, I should have stuck to my guns. I shouldn’t even have agreed to see him. But I did see him, and I did take him back.

I can’t persuade him. I can’t talk to him and have my words register in his one-track mind. How do I get out of this relationship for good? I know that texting someone to break up is pretty much the worst, but I’m scared that if I give him any opportunity to respond, that I’ll give in and remain trapped in this situation.

Sincerely,

Miserable Invertebrate

DEAR MISERABLE INVERTEBRATE: Before I get to your question, MI, I want to point something out. Your letter provides an interesting example of how a toxic relationship doesn’t always look the way we expect them to. A toxic relationship doesn’t necessarily look like a Lifetime made-for-tv movie with a cruel, demanding or overbearing partner domineering over the other person. Sometimes the toxic partner can be subtle or position themselves as the wounded party and leverage the other person’s guilt against them. They may just blithely ignore their partner’s boundaries while acting like there’s absolutely nothing wrong and behaving like they have every right to do whatever they want. And – as in many cases – they’re often very good at giving just enough plausible deniability that their victims don’t have any one thing they can point to as a sign that something’s wrong. Instead, you’re left with the vague feeling that something’s off and being convinced that this isn’t really enough to end a relationship.

But the fact of the matter is, the only reason you need to end a relationship is “because you want to.” There’s no council you have to convince or a judge who has to give their approval to your reasons. If you want out, then ultimately, that’s all the reason you need.

(To be fair: this isn’t automatically a good reason. But it is a valid one, good or not.)

Now let’s get to your problem MI. Fortunately, the solution is very simple: you dump him. It’s a unilateral decision and you’ve decided that it’s over.

You don’t persuade him, because there’s no need to. Breaking up isn’t like launching nuclear missiles. You don’t need to both agree to turn the keys before the relationship ends. You just say “I’m breaking up with you,” and you’re broken up. You don’t need to make the words sink in, because you don’t need him to agree; you just state the facts because he can’t keep you in a relationship against your will. You don’t negotiate because this isn’t a negotiation. You don’t need to be “fair” because fairness never enters into this; being “fair” to him is being unfair to you. You don’t need to “give him an opportunity to have his say” because this isn’t a discussion. You don’t need to justify it. You don’t need to explain it. You state the facts and you just state them over and over again because there’s nothing else to say. “No” is a complete sentence. By presenting a solid wall of “No, we’re broken up,” you give him fewer opportunities to try to weasel his way past your boundaries.

But while we’re talking about your Once-and-Future Ex’s ability to change your mind: don’t give him the opportunity. While under normal circumstances I do, in fact, believe that couples should break up in person if at all possible, there are times when that’s just unreasonable. And if you’re talking about your own personal version of Kilgrave, then that’s very unreasonable. So it’s time to apply the Nuclear Option: you text him that you don’t want to talk to him, that you don’t want to see him and you sure as hell don’t want to date him and this is over. Period, the end. Then you block him on every form of communication you own. If you’re worried that he’ll try to bankshot back into your life off your friends or parents, you tell them that in no circumstances do you ever want to hear from him again, no matter what he tells them. And if they can’t respect your boundary there… well, then it’s time to start cutting their access to you too. 

He can’t persuade you if he can’t talk to you. Now take a little time to forgive yourself for being a caring and sensitive person.

Straight talk though: developing your boundaries and a willingness to enforce them isn’t a good idea, it’s a survival skill, and one you need to cultivate through active practice. Fortunately, this is going to be a great opportunity to practice. Saying “no” to him – not “no, but” or “no, because” but just “no” is going to help you grind that skill.

So go nuclear. Give him the news via text, then immediately block him. And practice saying “no” often and regularly.

You’re strong. You’ve got this. And write back so we know how you’re doing.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 35-year old straight man that has a strong sex drive. A VERY strong sex drive. This has created problems in the past with relationships as I’m basically DTF 24/7, need very little refractory time, some to have an endless supply of energy and am generally insatiable. When I was a younger man, it was even stronger, but I was generally able to find partners that were equally driven and/or accommodating to my 3-6 times a day habit.I almost married a girl that had similar demands on me, and the three years I was with her, we spent most of our free time in the bedroom.

However, her and I broke up a few years back, and I went through a long dry spell of two years as I nursed my heart back to a place where it could deal with the conveyor belt of rejection that is dating. During this dry spell, my drive diminished a bit but I still took care of myself at least once a day, often 2-3 times. About a year ago, I felt ready and got into online dating. I went on many a date, mostly awkwardly flubbing the stupid games of online dating but slowly getting the hang of things to the point where I have had a few 1-2 month flings in the past year. However, dating women close to my age I’ve found that is not nearly the desire to jump in the sack that I still retain. I have been told that I’m immature in my randiness and that anyone that wants to have sex as often as I do hasn’t grown up. I broke up with one due to simply being completely sexually incompatible as she had almost no desire at all, and more recently I was dating a polyamorous woman that loved frequent sex and even she couldn’t keep up with me (to be fair, she claimed that I took too much of her time, being solo poly as she was and wanting to spend more time with others.)

There is a physical problem that is happening too. While I have no problems when I am solo, but when I’m with a partner, I have be experiencing delayed ejaculations randomly but frequently enough to be concerned. I’ve looked at sites like NoFap and I have mostly cut porn out of the equation for fear that I’ve gained a dopamine resistance that may be causing the problem, and have gone days or even weeks without touching myself (which makes me get long-term insomnia) and the problem remains when with a partner.

The result is that I can’t really keep a relationship because women get sick of it, and I shouldn’t be jerking off 5 times a day but then I can’t sleep and on the occasion I sleep with someone new I often can’t come. What the hell am I supposed to do about this? HELP!

-Never Not Thinking It

DEAR NEVER NOT THINKING IT: You have a high sex drive, NNTI. That’s not good, that’s not bad, that’s just how you are. Welcome to the wild and wooly world of being a human, where sex drives and libido fall on a spectrum from asexual to satyr-like and everywhere in between. Your problem isn’t that you’re horny – presuming, that is, that your horniness isn’t actively interfering with your every day life – it’s your relationship to your own body. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting sex. There’s nothing wrong with wanting lots of sex. Being rabidly horny doesn’t mean you’re immature, nor does having a lower sex drive mean you’re more adult It’s how you respond to your libido that’s going to speak more to your maturity or lack thereof. For example, if you’re not letting your masturbatory habits drive you to choking the chicken at inappropriate times (such as, say, on the job), get in the way of your life (you were late for that important meeting because you had to rub one out) and you’re not wearing holes in your genitals, there’s really nothing wrong with masturbating five times a day.

I mean, other than potential dehydration, anyway.

On the other hand, if you’ve constantly got your hand down your pants to the point you don’t even notice it or you’re annoying your partner with wanting to get off repeatedly… well then you’ve got a problem. But the problem is the expression of that desire, not the desire itself.

You do have to accept that being incredibly horny all the time is going to be an issue for some folks though. For starters: you’re going to have a harder time finding someone who’s 100% sexually compatible with you. People with libidos that consistently high are going to be rare on the ground under the best of circumstances. You’re going to have to accept that in the context of a relationship, you’re not going to get laid every single time you want it and you’re going to need to learn to be OK with this. Even for women who do like to have sex frequently, there comes a point where PIV sex goes from being fun to painful, no matter how much lube one uses. There’re only so much oral and hand action a person can give before things start to cramp and get sore or you simply don’t have time for. Expanding your definition of what “sex” is to the two of you – including, say, mutual masturbation or your partner giving you an assist via dirty talk or teasing you while you masturbate – will give you both options for sexual activity to help keep you both satisfied.

But at the same time, you’re going to have to be willing to accept that there will be times your partner won’t be up for sex of any kind and you’ll need to take care of yourself… without complaint or making them feel bad for not servicing you right then and there.

Which brings us to the next part of your letter: your inability to get off with a partner. I think you have two issues here, one physiological and one psychological. The first is that I suspect you’ve got Death Grip Syndrome or what some doctors call “idiosyncratic masturbation habits” – that is, you’ve basically carved a groove into your brain with the way you masturbate. One thing that a lot of people do is that they functionally train themselves to respond to very specific stimulation, to the point that they no longer respond to other forms of stimulation. So if you have a very specific masturbatory pattern, especially one that incorporates texture or pressure that the human vagina, anus or mouth can’t replicate, then you’re going to have a much harder time getting off when you’re not bashing the bludger.

The other problem is psychological. You are so ashamed of your sex drive and worried about being judged for it – especially after some of your exes’ bulls

t, holy crap – that it’s harder to get off in partnered sex. I think the more you come to accept yourself and your sex drive as normal and not something to be ashamed of, the less that this will be an issue.

So what do you do? Well, part of undoing Death Grip Syndrome is basically giving up all forms of masturbation until you basically have starved yourself to the point that any contact will get you off.  Now somebody call Sir Mix-A-Lot because there’s a big ol’ but coming….

BUT.

When you do start masturbating again, you can’t go back to your old pattern. That just completely undoes all the hard (heh) work you’ve done. The whole point of re-sensitizing your dick is to get it to respond to a wider variety of sensations, speeds, textures and pressure. You need to vary things up – use your non-dominant hand, use lots of lube, use a little lube, use a spiral grip, go slow, go VERY slow, use as little pressure as possible, etc. Otherwise you’re just going to end up back in the same place you were before. Don’t worry about NoFap – it’s basically bulls

t – or dopamine resistance (ditto) and focus more on changing your habits.

So, my advice: take ownership of your libido. It is what it is, you are who you are, and frankly there’s nothing wrong with it. Accept that you’re going to be responsible for you own gratification at least some of the time so that you’re not annoying your partner with how much you want to get laid. Get yourself a masturbation sleeve like a Tenga Flip or a Fleshlight and some (water-based) lube – not only will that help you for the times when your girlfriend isn’t interested, but it’ll help avoid getting stuck in Death Grip Syndrome again.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem that I think is unfortunately pretty normal, but I’m not entirely sure how to find resources to counter it that don’t simultaneously demonize it. I have a really hard time not looking at porn when I’m alone.

I know your stance on porn addiction, and I’m inclined to agree with it. I don’t mean that looking at porn, in and of itself, is the problem. I’m a healthy, red blooded dude, I’m not asexual, porn is going to happen. And this isn’t yet to the point where I think most folks would say it’s affecting my life, because it hasn’t yet started affecting my job. I’ve never looked at porn at the office or in a public place. From what I’ve read, that’s one of the main markers of addiction.

Thing is, I would argue that it is affecting my life, and has been for almost as long as I’ve had access to it- it’s just that I’m either so good at hiding it that nobody realizes, or people have noticed something is wrong but haven’t said anything out of propriety. I’m consistently late for things, my sleep schedule isn’t regular, and I haven’t been on a date in years. I’ve also never had penetrative sex, because I haven’t been able to get it up when with a woman.

It’s hard to know where to start with all of this, because it’s been a part of my life for so long I can barely imagine what things were like without it. I was touching myself I think as young as eight without really knowing what I was doing, and I was looking at porn in the days of dialup before my parents cottoned on to what the internet meant for me. I’ve had a very strong libido my whole life, and I found porn before I figured out how to talk to girls. It was just always so much easier.

I’m not saying I’ve been a complete martyr to this- I’ve assembled some accomplishments I’m proud of, in spite of it. I have a good job, and I’ve had some mild creative success nationally that I won’t go into specifics about (for obvious reasons.) I’ve led an active lifestyle and participated in a few sport events that have kept me healthy. I’m very fortunate, and I’m making an okay life for myself.

But this shadow hangs over everything, and it feels like it’s holding me back. There have been times when I haven’t had access to porn for brief periods, and I felt like I transformed into this better version of myself. For a few weeks in college my laptop stopped being able to access the internet, leaving me no access to fresh whacking material. Suddenly, when masturbation became this thing that just had to be accomplished to clear my head, instead of a pastime involving the inspection and collation of entire corners of the internet, I was twice as productive, and much more likely to go out and speak to people. I felt more engaged, and my schoolwork improved dramatically. I was still beating off, but it became something to finish, not to extend.

Fast forward to now. I’m living on my own. I don’t have roommates or family to keep me away from the internet, or to provide the social pressure to at least appear like I’m not addicted (or your word of choice) in my own home. I’m on my computer all the time- I have work I do at home that requires a screen and internet access. Porn is right there, just a click away.

Gradually, as I’ve lived on my own, it’s started to get worse. Now, for the first time, I’ve paid for porn, instead of just looking at clips or snapshots. Not that paying people for their work is a bad thing! It’s the way I’m doing it that bothers me. I’m dropping upwards of two hundred dollars in an evening without thinking about it or considering how it affects my finances. It’s only been a few times over the last year, and so far it hasn’t been anything other than a cautionary tale in the light of day, but it is a dangerous precedent and I’m worried about losing control over it.

Over the years I’ve tried a lot of the things that I’ve seen suggested- I’ve used blocking programs to make myself think twice. I’ve deleted all my bookmarks and reset my browser history. I’ve sworn off masturbation altogether. I’ve tried just rubbing one out without porn. I’ve attempted all of these more than once over decades, and none of them last more than two weeks at the outside, usually less than three days. The other standard suggestions- eating healthy, exercising, finding hobbies- are all things I already do. I live on salad, avocado, and light fish, I exercise for 45 minutes to an hour every day of the week, I have a hobby that takes up most of my free time that doesn’t go to porn. The standard stuff is not working for me.

It’s not that I lack willpower. The other stuff I’ve done shows me that I can make myself do a lot of things. It’s keeping myself from doing something that’s proving the challenge. At this point, I don’t think I can do this on my own. I need help.

I just don’t know where to look. How do you ask for recommendations for sex therapists dealing with this sort of thing? I can’t go out and ask my friends or family what’s worked for them- none of them know this is something I’m dealing with. I’ve been in therapy before but it was for completely different stuff, and the organization that was providing it was faith based. There’s google, but I don’t know what resources to trust or how to judge them, and I’m worried they’re just going to give me more of the same advice I’ve already found for myself, or it’s going to be some black and white, moralistic, porn-is-evil stuff. I don’t think porn is evil, I don’t think beating off is evil, I don’t think my urges are anything unnatural or wrong. I just want to be able to exercise some self control once in a while. Have some power to determine how I use my free time. Maybe dial it back a bit so I can start actually seeing, and getting turned on by, a real woman, with real sex.

Whaddaya think, doc? Got anything for me?

Thanks a ton,

Whackadoodle

DEAR WHACKADOODLE: Here’s the thing about porn and porn-addiction, Whackadoodle: it’s almost never about the porn. Any behavior can be compulsive, from masturbation to video games to exercise. However, when a behavior becomes a compulsion, it’s usually a form of self-medicating.

So dealing with your issue really requires a two-pronged approach.

The first step is to address the symptoms – namely how often you’re watching porn and cranking one (or two or three) out. And as you’ve said: quitting porn is easy, you’ve done it a dozen times now! However, the issue isn’t one of having enough willpower – or at least not willpower alone. Willpower is like a muscle; you can only use it so much before it becomes exhausted and won’t do what you want. If you’re spending all day trying to resist watching Lexi Belle getting spanked like the naughty thing she is, you’re going to wear your willpower out before you know it and be cruising PornHub before your belt hits the floor. There’s a secret to maxing out your willpower efficiently. Fortunately, you know that secret already…

You have to make it less convenient to watch porn.

Our brains are lazy. We will almost instinctively pick whatever requires less energy to get the reward we want. The more steps we have between us and our goal, the less likely we are to choose it. Part of how we can force ourselves to eat better, for example, is to make it more inconvenient – not impossible, just annoying – to eat junk food. If it takes four steps to grab a bag of chips – go to the kitchen, go to the cabinet, dig to the back of the cabinet, open the chips – and only two to grab a banana, you’re much more likely to get the banana. Far less willpower needed and thus you’re better able to resist the urge for fried goodness.

The same principle applies to porn. The times it was easiest for you to not watch porn was because it was too damn inconvenient to do so. You had to wait for privacy, you had to rush in case someone came home, etc. Now that you have all the freedom and privacy in the world, the world is your sticky oyster. If you want to resist the siren call of RedTube, you have to reintroduce those inconveniences that add annoying steps between you and the five-finger shuffle. This may mean getting rid of the wifi in your place and leaving the router in the middle of the living room… where you’ve taken down your curtains. Now if you want to yank your crank, you’re going to have to do it in full view of the neighbors. Hell, if it’s bad enough, you may want to consider cutting off your Internet access entirely. Yeah, odds are that you, like most of the world, have a phone capable of being a wifi hotspot but if you have to use your phone’s data plan for everything? You’re going to think twice about whether you want to spend those precious gigabits on Brazzers when it may also mean not being able to run Spotify.

Similarly, adding speed-bumps to getting to your various porn sites will slow things down – having to enter your password every time your computer goes to the screensaver, another complicated password to get to certain sites via browser extensions – and make it easier to say “You know what? No.”

Similarly, you will also want to put some steps between your credit card and paying a camgirl. Removing your card’s details from your browser, keeping your wallet in separate room from your computer and having to get up and get it if you want to enter your details will also make it more inconvenient. You may even want to get a pre-paid card with a hard limit to keep you from overspending.

Remember: you don’t need to make it impossible, you just have to make it more annoying. Those extra steps aren’t to stop you, it’s to simply give you the opportunity to exercise your willpower more efficiently.

But all that by itself isn’t going to keep you from reaching for the mouse and some lube in the long run. You need to address the issue at the source. You’ve been using porn as a substitute for intimacy. Remember what I said about our brains being lazy? How we pick the path of least resistance to our goal? That’s what you’re doing with your junk. Why spend time getting to know people and form a connection and risk rejection when you can just click a button and there’s Bonnie Rotten, waiting to do whatever it is you want? Small wonder you have erectile dysfunction issues with women in the flesh. Now that you’re with an actual person, you’re risking judgement and vulnerability and that can be scary. Larkin Love never judges you or questions your ability to please her the way a woman may in person.

This is why the answer isn’t just giving up porn or masturbating or what-have-you. All that’s going to do is give you a temporary respite from a habit that you’ll go right back to. You’re going to have to do is start getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and pushing through that awkwardness towards vulnerability with others. That means while you’re on your enforced delayed reaction to porn, you need to be out of your apartment. You’re going to have to be out in the world, talking to women and working on those social skills. Your goal isn’t going to be to get laid – that’ll come in time – it’s to become comfortable with intimacy. You don’t need to aim for getting your peen hard with a woman, you just have to be at ease with her. Get used to being willing to open up and just be and not fear her judgement. If sex becomes a possibility… take your penis off the table as it were. Your junk may go limp, but your hands and tongue don’t so spend your time getting really good at foreplay. Trust me: women will forgive a floppy salami for a dude who’s a master of oral.

And don’t forget: going to a professional is always a good idea – a therapist, that is. The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists can help you find a sex-positive professional in your area who can help you work on your compulsion issue and get to the core of why you can’t quit porn.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I would like to get the opinion of a reasonable and mature adult male on a topic that often seems to be sensationalized: female body hair. I am a heterosexual female, and have been considering letting my body hair grow. I wouldn’t really consider myself any kind of extremist. I am liberal and a feminist, but I don’t walk around wearing flower crowns and Jesus sandals without a bra on while spray painting vaginas on all the empty brick walls of the headquarters of the patriarchy. 

Honestly, I am, first and foremost, pretty goddamn busy. I’m in my last years of medical school, studying for board exams and working long hours on core rotations, so I already skip shaving pretty often just because I’m tired. But when I finally catch up on it, and spend upwards of 10-15 extra minutes in the shower, I find myself thinking about what a blatant double-standard it is (not that those are rare or this one is any more important that the others, but this one just applies to me at the moment and so it is the one I’ve chosen to allot my outrage toward).

Men shave their faces, yes. But when men decide to not shave their faces, they are not regarded as “gross” or “unclean” or “making a statement” and are not gawked at by passers by. Face shaving is not the analog to the body shaving that women do though, because men have exactly the same hair in exactly the same places as the hair that women shave off, and are allowed to keep it while still being seen as normal, hygienic, and not controversial (pubic hair is maybe a bit more of a gray area for both sexes, so for the sake of keeping this on topic, I would like to focus on legs and pits).

So, I would like to stop shaving my legs and underarms. The goal being to save time and to normalize female body hair. I am not trying to make some extreme feminist statement. I will continue to shower often and wear make up. I will not burn my bras or write a misandrist manifesto.

But I would be lying if I said I was not afraid of feeling less feminine or less sexy. Objectively, I would place myself in the category of “conventionally attractive,” and I am often complimented on my looks. But I have long been aware of the fact that I am more reliant on the approval of men to maintain my self confidence than I would like to admit. That is likely another reason for my consideration: to prove to myself that I don’t need to conform to the preferences of men to feel confident.

So Dr. NerdLove, what do you think? Is this a reasonable choice, or am I just inviting criticism and insult for not sticking with the status quo? Do you think I’ll really save time, or end up wasting time elsewhere having to explain to everyone why I made this ~oh so controversial~ choice?

Appreciatively, 

Would-be-Wooly Wilma

DEAR WOULD-BE-WOOLY-WILMA: Fun fact, WbWW: body hair is as much about fashion as it is about anything else. In Imperial Rome, women would have themselves plucked bare all over. In other cultures, hair is just something people have (or don’t) and that’s that. In the US, being less hirsute is currently the fashion across genders. It didn’t used to be, mind you; Pre-World War I, women weren’t concerned with their legs and pits until Gillette decided they needed to sell more razors. One massive marketing campaign later and voila: being hairless is a part of being coded as female or feminine and we treat it as if it’s always been thus.

And while you may not be meaning to, not shaving is making a statement about gender roles and femininity. This doesn’t make it good or bad, it’s just something that’s going to be true. People are going to have opinions, possibly very strong ones about it. Some people will think it’s no big deal. Others will be repulsed because we’ve been acculturated to see body hair on women as disgusting. Still others will behave as though you’re not shaving at them because men have been taught to see women’s aesthetics as something done for them. Assholes are going to ass and that’s going to a factor if you decide to stop shaving.

But there are also going to be people who’ll be fine with it or think it’s awesome. They may be in different communities than you currently hang out in, but they are out there and it could well be worth your time to seek them out.

(Of course, most people won’t even notice unless you tell them. If you don’t want your body hair to be a matter of public knowledge, it’s easy enough to keep it on the down-low to folks who don’t get to have an opinion on the matter.)

What you don’t need to think about is what I think. My opinion on this means sweet-f

k-all. You do you, WbWW. If you feel like taking some time off your grooming routine, go for it and see how you feel. If you love it, great! If not, that’s cool too.

Worst case scenario? It’s hair; you can shave it off again if you don’t like it.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a geeky girl in college, a gamer, very socially active, and generally a direct person.  I’ve been asked out a few times at parties and I’d like to switch things up by asking (other geeky) guys out myself, but… there’s always a but.

What’s holding me back is, well, sex.  Or more like expectations about sex.  The impression I’ve generally gotten is that the older my peers are, the less time they wait before having sex.  I’d like to date and get to know some guys, but I’m not interested in hooking up or doing anything sexual with a relative acquaintance or someone I’m not in at least a semi-serious relationship with.  The other thing is that if a woman is forward and initiates contact, the expectation seems to be that she’s experienced and well aware of how to flirt, and I don’t really have any experience with guys romantically or sexually.  

So basically, how do I flirt with guys and ask them out while making it clear we’re not about to tumble into bed at the end of the first date… or the second… and so on without scaring them off?  And while minimizing potential awkward and misunderstandings.  I’m not looking to ~wait til marriage~ or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to.

Takes Her Time

DEAR TAKES HER TIME: There’s a pretty simple answer to this, THT; you just tell ’em.

Now, it’s true that there are a lot of guys who expect some sort of accelerated time-table when it comes to sex; some will expect it as soon as humanly possible, others have their own version of the three date rule, where if the girl doesn’t put out within three dates, he moves on to the next one in line.

Thing is: this isn’t all men by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, yeah, just lots of guys out there will want sex as quickly as he can get it. After all, sex is pretty damn awesome when you do it right. But just because men are willing to bang out as soon as it’s offered doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of guys who will quite happily take the time that is required for the two of you to reach the level comfort and intimacy you feel you need before you’re ready to sleep with him.

Don’t let random bulls

t ideas about gender roles hold you back from being willing to make the first move. Just because you were willing to approach a guy doesn’t automatically mean that you’re obligated to move faster than you feel comfortable with.

Now, as for how you tell them? Well, you said it pretty well in your letter. “I’m not looking to wait til marriage or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to,” is concise, to the point and sets up exactly what to expect.

When you tell them can be tricky; you don’t really want to blurt it out between the endive salad and the coq au vin, when it would be a bit of a non-sequitur but you also don’t want to wait until his pants are around his ankles and he’s giving you then “Eh? Eh?” head-gestures. I would recommend relatively soon once you’re having your first significant make-out session. Find a moment to pause — before things have progressed significantly — and let him know where you stand.

And don’t stress out about chasing guys off or standing firm. A guy who isn’t willing to accept your limits is not a guy you want to date. If knowing he’s not getting laid by the second date is going to make him look for other pastures, you really aren’t suffering any great loss. He’s just putting you one more step closer to finding a guy who is right for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that has to do with “Friends with Benefits” relationships. An old friend and I have slipped into one of these after drunkenly hooking up one night. I have no interest in dating her at all and she says that she is ok with that, and she just wants to hook up. However I’m really nervous now because this relationship is secret and we basically have the same circle of friends. And I’ve heard from people that these types of relationships always end in disaster. While I’m enjoying the “benefits” of this relationship, is it really destined to end terribly? And when I meet a girl that I want to start a real relationship with, do you think we will be able to end it with her without hurt feelings?

Trying To Stay Casual

DEAR TRYING TO STAY CASUAL: Here’s a line I’ve borrowed from Dan Savage, TTSC: every relationship ends until one doesn’t. Friends with benefits end one of two ways: either you quit having sex, or you quit being friends. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed either way. You may decide to stop having sex because one of you has fallen for someone else, or because you decide you’re better off as friends rather than lovers. You may stop being friends because you fell in love and now you’re “officially” dating or you may drift apart naturally.

The way you keep a FWB relationship from ending badly is the same way you keep any other relationship from ending badly: open communication and honesty. Be straight forward with how you feel, be open and receptive to how she feels. Want to know how to poison a FWB relationship from the get-go? Treat it as something shameful or something that’s doomed. I can appreciate wanting to be discreet, but you need to keep in mind: this isn’t about how your friends may feel, this is about the two of you. It’s up to you two to decide what the rules are for your relationship; nobody else gets a say.

It’s impossible to say whether you would be able to end the sexual aspect of your relationship without pain or tears – there’re so many variables that you’d get better results rolling a d20 and hoping to make your Save Vs. Drama. But then again: there are no guarantees that you can end any type of relationship, sexual or platonic, without hurt feelings. All I can say is that being a stand-up, honest and compassionate guy will make things easier regardless of how it ends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)