DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m really curious what advice you may have for me here, just because I think this may simply be an issue where I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Nevertheless, I think you’ll ‘get’ it and if nothing else I’m going to use this as an opportunity to get something off my chest.

So first things first. I’m 29, and I just got married. I completely adore my wife, what we have is as real as it gets, and our relationship just ‘works’ for so many reasons. We’re on the same page about not wanting children, and I’m just really happy and proud about the life we’re building together.

A bit of background…we were close friends throughout college. She had several boyfriends and I was obsessing over other girls and doing nothing about it, and we really just never thought of each other in that way until right before graduation when we fell in love and have been together ever since. Another piece of the puzzle here is I was completely celibate during college, not by choice haha. I had a girlfriend for the last 6 months of high school, so I wasn’t a virgin going into college but I just didn’t have my s

t together… nerdy before I knew how to make nerdy work for me, massive crushes that I was too scared to act on because I was putting them on such a pedestal and just generally too focused on finding the magic fairytale love story when I should’ve been more go with the flow and open to fun experiences.

Hey, I get it. We all have to live with some regrets, obviously. I can’t change the past. But I have to say, it’s been challenging at times over the last decade seeing things like the rise of swiping dating apps that would’ve made things SO MUCH easier for shy guys like me in college to at least initiate contact, or even just the rise of nerd culture and nerdy things becoming way more socially acceptable. It is hard for my mind not to sometimes ponder how successful I’d be if I were single today. I feel like I’m infinitely more dateable at 30 than I was at 20. I have a stable career, I know how to dress, I think I’m reasonably attractive, I’m not terrified of women anymore and have more sexual confidence– simply put I just have more mileage, better self-worth and am way more comfortable in my own skin than I was in college.

I think it’s probably very normal for married guys to think about the good ol’ days of being single, but I guess my issue is I regret not doing anything with those good ol’ days and sometimes I get a bit freaked out that I will never experience another first kiss or see what my sexual chemistry with someone else might be, or experience the thrill of the chase– no matter how much I love my wife (and I do, and I believe our sex life is healthy). It’s just the curiosity that gnaws at me. I’m not saying I have any plans to do anything, because I really have it great now and definitely don’t want to screw it all up for something I’d instantly regret. I don’t believe I could ever cheat. I just worry that if I’m feeling this now, will it ever get any better, years down the road? Or will it turn into more of an obsession that eats away at me? I really don’t want to feel resentment about my marriage. I try to stay focused on all the positives. I know for a fact that a lot of my married friends have similar regrets, and I wonder about how common of an issue this is overall.

I’ve done research into open relationships and “hall passes” and honestly…while I love the idea in theory of getting a small window of time try and sew a few wild oats and get that out of my system (I’d be be willing to reciprocate that)…at the same time, I know all those paths have significant risks and downfalls, and based on comments she’s made in the past I don’t think she’s open to that. So me even trying to broach that subject would probably just be hurtful and pointless. She’s not a jealous type, we have a lot of trust in our relationship, but I think her hearing that I’m even daydreaming in those terms may be a shock to her and I really don’t want to hurt her just because I’m having a quarter life crisis. And it’s not only about wanting some strange (although that certainly factors in). I’ve thought a lot about it, and honestly I think I just also just craving the validation that yes, I can be desirable to other women too and to see if I’d have any ‘game’ now, because I had 0 before…I’ve literally never asked a girl out on a date in my life. I’ve never been on a first date with someone who I wasn’t previously friends with. It’s not that it’s a bad thing, but I guess it just feels like there’s this whole side of myself and the dating world that I never got a chance to explore.

It’s quite possible there is nothing to be done here except for me to just suck it up, be grateful that I have something that most singles are looking for, and move on. But these thoughts have gotten frequent enough that I wanted to take the first step of acknowledging that there may be a problem here.

Thanks,

Fear of Missing Out 

DEAR FEAR OF MISSING OUT: You’re not wrong that this is an incredibly common issue, FOMO. Lots of people – men and women both – have moments of wondering what might be if they were single right now instead of in a relationship. The fact that you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you won’t be interested in other people. You agreed that you weren’t going to sleep with other people; that doesn’t mean that you won’t want to. This is true of pretty much everyone; welcome to being a primate with a sex-drive.

Similarly, the fact that you’re fantasizing about being single again doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner, or that something’s wrong with your relationship. This is also something a lot of partnered people experience, for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes it’s the desire for novelty; that first kiss or the excitement of the initial courtship and getting to know somebody new. Other times it’s simple boredom; even the hottest and most passionate relationship will cool over time, especially as the day-to-day responsibilities of a life together pile up. Still other times, it’s the idea of “what did I miss out on” and still other times it’s that the person in question entered into a monogamous commitment that they weren’t actually suited for.

There’re the folks for whom it’s not even a matter of desire, so much as wanting to be desired. It’s a wish for validation, the knowledge that you still (or finally) have it. Sure, your partner may want you and need you… but that’s hardly the same as a stranger thinking that you’re hot sex on toast, is it? Or the knowledge that if you wanted to, you could hook up with that hottie you saw at the gym or Starbucks or what-have-you.

And then, of course, there’s the dawning realization that maybe, just maybe, you made a mistake. You overestimated your feelings and rounded up what would’ve been a happy short-term relationship to a lifetime commitment or just agreed to something that you didn’t realize you didn’t actually want until it was too late.

To answer your question: yes, this is going to be something that you’re going to feel, whether you’re with your wife or any theoretical future partner. Regardless of whether you stay with her or you find yourself free to date again, if you’re pursuing monogamous relationships, there’s always going to be a “no more first kisses” moment. That’s part of the price of entry to the relationships you seem to want.

The key to handling this – especially without making a mistake and detonating your relationship in the process – is to understand exactly what’s at the root of this interest.  Is it that you feel like you have something to prove to your past self? Are you someone who just can’t make a long-term monogamous commitment and require sexual novelty? Do you legitimately want out? Or is it just old-fashioned “what-if”ing?

The more you understand just what the problem is, the more you’ll understand how to navigate the issue. There’s nothing wrong, for example, with harmless sport flirting if the opportunity arises. Flirting without intent is one way to get the charge of knowing that other people think you’re hot without actually risking your relationship; plus, you can take that erotic charge and plow it into your relationship with your wife. If it’s a case of missing the early spark in your relationship, then the answer is to remember why those early days were so exciting. Part of what makes the sex so enticing when you’re just starting out is that it’s new and risky. You have to put in work to make it happen and actually seduce your partner – even as the two of you may be determined to rip the clothes off one another. In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to fall into a rut where sex just happens. The more the two of you have to work for it, the more excitement you can bring back to it, the hotter it gets. So start breaking out of the routine and screw like teenagers again. Take some risks – find a quiet place to park and sneak into the back seat of your car, hook up in the bathroom of a bar or a broom closet at work. The novelty and the effort and the low-key risk will give sex a spice and urgency that it doesn’t currently have.

If it’s just a case of wanting new and different… well, that’s what porn and sex-toys are for. Either by yourself or with your wife.

However, I don’t think an open relationship is necessarily what you want right now. While I certainly wouldn’t argue against your studying up on them, I don’t think your issue is that you’re not built for monogamy, I think it’s that you want the validation of being desired by other people and having the game you didn’t have when you were younger. And while I understand the desire to go out and test this, I think the potential cost to your relationship – one that you say you’re otherwise satisfied with – is far greater than the reward.

All things considered, this is a relatively minor itch, FOMO and one that’s easily scratched. It’s not something to get overly concerned about or to risk your relationship over. Focus on the underlying cause rather than the symptom, and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about “how to handle women with poor social skills”.

While dating and approaching women I have had the problem that some women can’t pick any signal that I give and it is really really frustrating. The lack of response or follow up to a signal makes wondering if the other is interested at all. At some point, I retreat to avoid an awkward situation. However, lack of a signal doesn’t always imply lack of interest (sometimes it does imply lack of interest – especially when the woman is socially skilled and proactive).

I would guess that this problem may be more common that one would guess initially. The reasons for inactivity and lack of response could be shyness, lack of social skills or some level of autism. The woman can be really sweet and interested but her social skills can be really bad. Lack of social skills makes reading the situation and the whole social interaction harder. Could you provide some advice?

Thanks,

Clueless

DEAR CLUELESS: There’re two possibilities here, Clueless. The first is that they legitimately don’t pick up on your signals, either because you aren’t great at sending them or they just don’t get them.

The other is that they know exactly what it is you’re saying and they’re just not interested and they’re hoping that by “missing” your signal, you’ll get the hint and move on.

But as a general rule, if you think they’re not picking up what you’re putting down for whatever reason, then use your words. Don’t give signals, say it explicitly. “Hey, I think you’re awesome and like to take you out on a proper date. How do you feel about $COOL_THING_A and $COOL_THING_B?” “I would love to kiss you right now.” “Want to make out?” “Should we take this to the bedroom?” etc. There are a lot of folks out there who’d appreciate it if people would just straight up say what it is they mean instead of hinting or dropping clues like the Riddler. You may well be dealing with people like that. And if you are? Being the person to just lay it out there without any room for misunderstanding would make you exactly who they’re looking for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been together several years and we’ve experimented in lots of things sexually as he was more experienced than I was.

I really want to do some of the things he has done, such as threesomes with guys and girls, but he doesn’t want to since we are in a committed relationship and have talked about one day getting married and having a family. He thinks it will tear us apart and we will lose love/respect for one another. I want to try out these different things before I settle down. I’m not sure what to do. I feel as though he got to experience all the fantasies he wanted before he met me, so why cant I experience my fantasies before we marry and start our family together?

He even gets turned on during sex if I talk about being with other guys and girls ….. why cant we actually do it? 

– Frustrated Female

DEAR FRUSTRATED FEMALE: Before I get into the specifics of your situation, FF, there’s a point that needs to be stated: nobody gets everything they want in a relationship. Every relationship means compromise between what you want and what you get. Presumably what you get is so awesome that you’re willing to forgo what you don’t get as the price of entry into the relationship. It may well be that the price of entry into this relationship is that he’s not into opening things up or having threesomes if he’s just not into that. At that point, you have to decide whether the prospect of these thrills are more important to you than your relationship with him.

One of the things that may make a difference is in whether you’re looking to have some of these adventures with him or whether you’re looking to get a permission slip to sleep with other people.

It’s possible your boyfriend has done some of these things and while they’re the sort of thing guys are supposed to like (because all men are supposed to want threesomes, donchaknow) he had some bad experiences and doesn’t want to risk having something equally bad with you.

It may well be that he doesn’t want to open things up, if that’s what you’re asking for. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, even for people who’ve sowed their share of wild oats. Just because someone had a sexually adventurous past doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re up for an open relationship with a committed partner

It could also be that we’re dealing with your garden variety Madonna/Whore complex. It’s one thing for him to have all these wild crazy adventures; guys are “supposed” to be want crazy sex. Women – or so goes the dominant cultural narrative – are supposed to be more innocent, more pure. He – like many other men – may have a hang-up about the idea that women are sexual beings too.

I don’t know the guy, you do. You’ll have to make that call for yourself.

So what do you do? Well, you need to use your words and to advocate for your own pleasure. You need to sit him down and explain to him that you have these fantasies and desires – ones that you know excite him too – and that you want to explore them.You want him to realize that women in general and you in particular have just as much of an appetite for crazy wild sex as men do.

What may help seal the deal is your being interested in exploring them with him. What may be acceptable in fantasy – picturing you with other men or women – may not work in real life for him. Being part of that fantasy, however, could make all the difference. The more he gets used to the idea of the both of you having these sexy adventures together, the more likely he’ll be willing to consider making the fantasy a reality.

As it is: you’re already talking him through the fantasy while you’re having sex, so take it to the next level. Describe the imaginary scenario as though it were happening right then and there. Make that part of your sexplay. See whether making things more vivid helps – both for the sex you’re having with your boyfriend and opening him up to more possibilities.

But either way: you have to be willing to accept the possibility that he’s simply not up for any of these potential fantasies of yours and then you have to make a decision…

Now with that having been said, I want to point out two things. The first is the way you phrase things: have your fun before you marry and settle down. I think you’ve absorbed a little of the sex-negativity that says that marriage is the end of sexual adventure… and it really isn’t. There’s no reason why putting a ring on it should be the end of your wild sexy times – if anything you should have even greater trust and affection for one another, which makes trying out new things possible. Trying new things and keeping the sex exciting is part of how you keep the spark alive in a relationship, and sexual satisfaction is part of the secret to a successful long-term marriage.

The other is that I’m a cynic and your boyfriend’s attitude is making my Spidey-sense tingle. Frequently when a man says he’s worried that the two of you will lose love or respect for one another, he really means that he’s afraid he’ll lose love and respect for you. It may well be that he means that he couldn’t handle the jealousy side of non-monogamy… or it could very well mean that knowing about (or even participating in) your own sexual adventures will mean he won’t be able to see you as being as pure or good. Regardless, it may be worth talking to a sex-positive relationship counselor before moving forward towards marriage.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As a junior in high-school I face a problem, I always seem to be tired. Most days I never truly wake up, instead I just become gradually less tired after getting up, until my fourth hour class where it goes back downhill. By the end of the school day talking is a chore, my eyes are heavy, and I’m exhausted. However most of that changes at night when I’m either with my friends or at some school event (currently quizbowl). It is almost like I’m a different person at night. During the day I’m almost stoic out of weariness, less than excitable, and a little slow with reaction. During night though I actually feel awake, conversation is much easier, emotion is less of a hassle, I feel fun, I am the person I want to be during the day.

My diet is average, I eat breakfast, I’m not specifically unhealthy, and my grades are great. However I do not exercise regularly (I weigh about 130 pounds at five feet eight inches) and my sleep schedule is a little iffy. At usually six or seven hours of sleep I get what I can, however it is hard to reach eight. Medically wise I’ve taken Adderall since the age of eight, however this problem only really started during my freshmen year. There is also a history of disorders like depression and insomnia in my family, however I have neither.

With all of this in mind do you have any advice? Could it just be a mix of my introverted qualities and a lack of sleep? Or do you think I should probably make some life style changes?

Either way I know I need help, I want to be able to go through the day without it being a chore, I want to fully experience life.

Tired Eyes

DEAR TIRED EYES: Basically, TE, you’re not getting enough sleep. Most teenagers aren’t, frankly. And this isn’t necessarily your fault. The National Sleep Foundation recommend that teenagers get somewhere around nine to nine and a half hours of sleep per night. However, more than 58% are getting around six or seven. The culprit are the schools themselves. With the median school starting time of 8 AM, most students are having to get up far earlier than they should be… and going to bed early isn’t necessarily an option. Because of the way that the human brain develops, you and other adolescents don’t process melatonin at the same rate as adults, which affects when you actually get tired.

For all intents and purposes, you’ve been undergoing serious sleep-deprivation for 9 months out of the year and if you’re an introvert, it’s sapping your already limited social energy at an increased rate. Small wonder you feel like ten pounds of ass in a five pound sack during the day.

The question then becomes: so what do you do about this? Unfortunately, unless your school is especially progressive, it’s not likely that they’re going to move classes back an hour to let the students get the sleep they need. You’re going to have to work to adapt yourself to your circumstances unfortunately.

So here’re some suggestions to help even things out.

First: be careful with your caffeine intake. I know it’s tempting to get something to wake your ass up in the morning – God knows I’m inhuman until I’ve had my morning coffee – but excess caffeine consumption can completely throw off your sleep schedule. Try to keep any caffeinated beverages to the morning and noon and avoid drinking any after 3 PM.

Second: get regular exercise. Exercising helps increase your energy levels over time and improves your cardiovascular health, which in turn will help you sleep at night. It’s also just a damn good habit to get into while you’re young; trust me, it’ll pay off immensely over your lifetime.

Third: eat as clean as possible – meaning avoid processed foods, especially junk food and candy. Most processed foods have artificially high levels of sugar, salt and fat in order to get you literally addicted to them and the excess crap will cause your blood sugar levels to crash, leaving you feeling sluggish, fatigued and irritable. The best foods you can eat are complex carbs (leafy green vegetables, fibrous fruits like oranges and apples, sprouted grain breads etc) and lean proteins. This is especially important in the morning; the sugar in most cereals will give you a sugar crash before 2nd period is over. This is also a good habit to get into while you’re young.

Fourth: Cut off the electronics at night. In this increasingly connected world, we tend to bring our tablets, smartphones, even our laptops into bed with us. This is a mistake that’s utterly screwing our ability to get a good night’s sleep; the blue light from electronic screens (including your television, by the way) disrupts melatonin production which you need for healthy sleep cycles. Ideally, you want to shut off anything with a light-projecting screen at least two to three hours before bedtime. During the day, however, you want as much direct exposure to bright sunlight as possible; it’s part of how your body creates vitamin D and encourages melatonin production.

Fifth: Keep as regular a sleeping schedule as possible. Going to bed at 10 one night, midnight the next, and 11 the night after screws up your circadian rhythms and makes it harder for you to actually get to sleep. Keeping to a specific bedtime helps keep you on an even keel.

Now there’re a couple tips and tricks that may help when it comes to getting to sleep and waking up. You’ll want to talk to your doctor first (Dr. NerdLove is not any sort of medical professional), but Benadryl makes an excellent sleep-aid. It’s non-habit forming, it’s virtually impossible to OD on and it’s available over the counter. I’ve found melatonin supplements also help with sleep, although once again: talk to your doctor.

For an early boost, you may want to consider a blue-light lamp; that same blue light which disrupts your sleep patterns at night can give you a much-needed energy surge in the morning. 15 minutes can help you feel much more awake and ready to… if not attack the day, not sleep-walk through it.

Also, if you have a study period or other point during the day when you can get some time to yourself, try a caffeine nap. Chug down a cup of coffee or soda, then take a 20 minute (no longer) nap. Not only will that 20 minutes ensure that you get a full sleep-cycle – waking up mid-cycle disrupts your circadian rhythms and leaves you groggy and tired – but you’ll be waking up just as the caffeine hits your brain.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 34 year old male. I’ve never kissed, sex, relationship, etc… I don’t mind discussing this with people I know. I feel like because I’m too open about my situation people think I’m looking for self pity. I don’t really, I just want them to know about my situation so it’s not awkward when it comes up later in time. I’m not embarrassed, but I know that some people look at as a red flag… especially women. So my question is : Is my openness about my situation really a red flag/dealbreaker? I’m not good with secrets. I also think I use it as an excuse when I get the vibe they don’t understand me.

Too Much Information?

DEAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION: The question you’re asking isn’t necessarily the question you think you’re asking, TMI.

I’ve talked a lot about the bulls

t shame that men get about virginity and sexual inexperience and how that ties into toxic definitions of masculinity and how experience or inexperience isn’t something to be ashamed of. That being said: much like people who misuse the term sex-positive means (or misunderstand what it means), there’s a difference between not being ashamed and inappropriate sharing.

See, one of the things that we look for in friends and partners is emotional and social intelligence – whether they understand social rules, know when it’s appropriate to discuss things and when it isn’t and – critically – what information people don’t necessarily need to know. People who don’t conform to the expected social rules make us uncomfortable; sometimes it’s simply a matter of informing us of things that we don’t want to know, other times it’s a question of “if they don’t get this rule, what other, more important rules do they not get?” So when you’re sharing incredibly personal things about yourself – such as being an older virgin – the question isn’t always about what you’re sharing but when.

If you’re just blurting this information out during the “getting to know you” phase of a date or interacting with your co-workers… well, that’s generally not the right time. You’re telling people far more about yourself than they want to know, never mind need to, and usually at a time when it’s not socially appropriate. If you’re talking about sex or past relationships, that’s one thing. If you’re just dropping this truth-bomb in the middle of a conversation, a “Just FYI, I’ve never had someone else touch my penis. So about those mid-term elections…”, well that’s just going to be weird.

There’s also the question of how much of this you’re sharing. Not everyone needs to get the full disclosure about your sexual history (or lack thereof). You’re not giving a deposition, you’re having a conversation. You can just leave it as “yeah, I haven’t dated much” or “I’ve never had a serious girlfriend/boyfriend”; most of the time that’s all anyone wants to know. If they want to know more, they’ll ask and then you can go into more detail. When and if someone should know more – such as when you’re about to get busy – then you can tell them more. But even then, a simple “just so you know, I’ve never done this before,” tends to work better than a sudden and unexpected download about the hows and whys of your sexual history.

And as always: how you talk about it is important. People will follow your lead when you talk about yourself. If you’re revealing that you’re inexperienced like it’s a giant flaw, then people will respond like it’s a giant personal flaw. If you roll it out like it’s no big deal, it’s just part of who you are, then they’ll treat it like it’s no big deal. And if they do get weird about it… well that tells you a lot about them, doesn’t it? If someone sees your experience or lack thereof as a deal-breaker, then that’s their problem and they’ve just self-selected as someone you wouldn’t want to date anyway.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’d love it if you could shed some light on my situation, you always make sense and I appreciate how much you take lots of angles and even a meta-perspective into account usually. I’m a young woman in my mid twenties. I have a fulfilling life: lots of hobbies and interests, a good career, I’m always on the lookout to travel, I have moved to different cities because of studies/jobs a lot while maintaining close relationships with my family and friends, I love to learn and think about new stuff all the time. I’m a bit of a free spirit and I identify as polyamourous. (I can cite some passages from “the ethical slut” and other literature on the subject by heart and have internalized and lived by its values). I’ve had an open relationship in the past, where I had one “boyfriend” and 1-2 “mini-relationships”. My boyfriend had the occasional “extra-curricular activity”. It worked for us that way, things ended a year ago for reasons that had nothing to do with being open/poly.

Now “the problem”: a few months ago I met a guy who is a few years younger and we hit it off right away: we love talking about the same topics, we both love to travel, we have heaps of fun together, we just vibe very well. One drunk night we landed it bed together and, you can guess it, had sex. A week later, I discovered that I took his virginity that night, without knowing it at the time of the act. We talked about how I felt bad because it wouldn’t have happened like that if I had known that beforehand. He said he had no regrets and didn’t want to say anything because he thought it wouldn’t have happened otherwise. (He has a point there, but I still feel taken advantage of and like I took advantage of him at the same time as well). We then had the “what are we talk”. It was clear to him from the get-go that I am poly and that we could build a loving friendship but without being exclusive. He understood, asked the right questions, we talked about “the rules”. Everything is still going fantastic in the 2 months we’ve been together now. We still vibe well, enjoy our time together (even though we live 100 miles apart), talk about feelings/issues, he buys me gifts, we do fun trips, he introduced me to his friends and family (I didn’t introduce him to family because that’s not something I do). Even though I am his first girlfriend, he just gets everything right about communication etc., which just proves again what a great human being he is.

And that is my “problem”: it is going so well, that I am confused. He makes me want all those mundane, typical societal things I’ve looked down on for so long: suddenly I’d like to settle in something typical and exclusive and couple-y – even though that is in direct conflict with everything I have believed in and stood for in the past and have defended with reason and fire against nay-sayers about open relationships.

Please help:

– should I go against my nature and try being exclusive? How do I even bring that up, after it took a lot of conversation to explain polygamy to him in the first place? Is he even going to want monogamy, perhaps he likes me that much because of my poly-nature?

– will it affect our relationship for the worse? maybe it goes so well because we only see each other sporadically (because of the distance)?

– sometimes I feel like I am using him because I am older and more experienced in the sexual and relationship department – any thoughts on that? Is being poly with someone like that even fair? Can he really make a good estimation on the topic if he never had a girlfriend before?

Please help – suddenly everything I was so sure of isn’t that sure anymore. My thoughts need some structure.

Cheerfully Confused

DEAR CHEERFULLY CONFUSED: I think you’re making things more complicated than they need to be, CC.

Here’s the wonderful thing about people: they’re complicated and complex. We lay down these rules and labels, many of which are absolutely arbitrary, and then freak out when we realize that they’re not perfectly universal. We grow and change and find people who push us out of our comfort zones and into worlds that we never thought would apply to us and then we get scared because suddenly everything is different. The problem is when we tense up and try to force things into ill-fitting labels and rules instead of just going with the flow and seeing where things take us.

Right now you’ve got a boyfriend who’s making you think all kinds of thoughts that are contrary to how you’ve defined yourself. You’ve always been poly and now you’re thinking about being exclusive… ok, and? You’re allowed to try different relationship formats as long as your partner or partners are down with it. Maybe you’re in a more monogamous period of your life. Maybe this particular relationship with this particular guy is just an exception to your general rules. Or maybe this is just a temporary thing and it will pass as your relationship grows and matures. The key is to not freak out about it. This doesn’t mean that you were wrong to be poly or that there’s something more “correct” about monogamy… it just means this is where you are right now. If you’re down with giving exclusivity a shot, then hell, go for it. You and your partner or partners have the right to set the rules of your relationship as you see fit.

(That being said, experimenting with exclusivity for the first time in a long-distance relationship makes an already difficult relationship even more difficult, so be prepared.)

It’s admirable that you’re concerned about using him or leveraging his inexperience against him, and that’s a sign that you’re a good, ethical and caring lover. Users and abusers don’t concern themselves with such questions. You should keep in mind that no relationship is going to be perfectly balanced and egalitarian. There’s always going to be one partner who has more experience than the other. Nobody is going to have the exact same history or experiences as their lovers; that’s just how the world is. The key is not using that differential as a weapon, and believe me, the less-experienced partner is just as capable of wielding that whip as the more experienced one. Don’t assume that just because he hasn’t seen or done as much as you have that he’s incapable of making decisions for himself. He’s a big boy and he’s perfectly qualified to decide what sort of relationship he wants to try.

The way that you make things work – as is true in every relationship – is communication, communication, communication. As I’m always telling people, the answers to most relationship difficulties is to use your words. Every relationship is an ongoing conversation, after all.

Case in point: the poly vs. monogamy question You’ve talked about being poly before and what it means, so now talk about monogamy. Explain how you’re feeling and ask how he feels about it. If you’re both into the idea, then have a discussion about how you both see it working and what the rules should be. Perhaps you would want to treat this as a timed trial – see how monogamy works for a couple months and then revisit the question. Perhaps you’d want to try a semi-monogamous commitment; some activities such as penetrative sex are off the table but other things are permitted.

Just don’t spend the emotional and mental bandwidth looking for reasons why things are about to go wrong. The worst thing you can do in a happy relationship is waste it waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you’re borrowing trouble from the future, you make it impossible to enjoy the now.

Keep those lines of communication open with your guy and don’t sweat the labels. Your relationship can be whatever you two decide it is.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)