DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m going to start by saying I think you writing is just great, you bring knowledge PUA yet at same time temper it with real sensitivity and respect for women. Your article ‘Creep Week – How to reform creeper’ resonated with me deeply and I’ll think you’ll see why once I share the story of a recent screw up I made. And, boy did I screw up. Over the past decade I have been, nearly all the time in long term relationships. At the very start of each these relationships I did something for the girl in question, which had always been appreciated and enjoyed by them. I would write a short story – erotic fiction – that would feature both of us and be explicit but nothing too kinky. This would invariable take the relationship to a sexual place very quickly nearly every time.

My last girlfriend (of ~3 years) was a sexually liberated woman who put me in touch with my dominant side. She would often encourage me to be more extreme in bed especially in the things I would say to her. She ended the relationship about 2 months ago.

I joined tinder and started dating again about 3 weeks ago.

I met a very attractive girl, who gave me her no, we texted each other for a while and she asked me to connect on facebook with her. When I asked her on a date seemed genuinely excited at my proposition. The first date went about as well as you could expect, we had a meal, talked for hours and kissed at the ended, arranging to met a few days later for lunch.

Lunch date went well and she invited me over to her place Tuesday the following week, and I said I would cook for her. And this is where I made the 1st big mistake. Yes, you guessed it, I went her wrote an erotic fiction short story. I asked for her email address saying that I had written something for her that would be unsuitable for work. I sent it.

She texted back saying that it was weird and she didn’t want to see me again and unfriended me on facebook.

My 2nd mistake:

I tried to apologize by email but guess I had not fully realized the distress I had caused this girl, or was apologizing for the wrong reasons. She replied to the email saying i was a creep and a pervert. She told me what I had written was an ’emotional invasion of privacy of such a personal nature’. She said if I came near her or tried to contact her again she would have up on a sexual harassment charge.

It was only once I read that I completely understood what I had done.

I had completely and utterly, rode rough-shod over this girl’s boundaries and committed a criminal act in the process.

Lessons I learned from this:

Never, ever again will I send a girl erotic fiction unless I have their expressed permission to send them explicit written material.

Slow the hell down and learn to chill.

My questions to you Doc are:

1. I am broken? Is my inability to recognize and respect this girl’s very basic and obvious boundaries a sign that I should seek professional help? Bear I mind that I not been called or acted like (I think) a creep in over a decade.

2. I know I should not use excuses for my behavior but do you think I could have been carrying around behavior I had learned from my last long term relationship, which was deeply sexual in nature?

3. Should I not date for a while, get myself off tinder and just spend some time by myself? I still feel a desire for intimacy in my life and I miss the emotional and physical connection of being with someone. I am currently dating, in contact with a few women, nothing serious yet though.

4. How can I be more aware of a woman’s boundaries so I don’t push past them again and balance that with the dominant sexual side of my personality that has been awoken by my last relationship? Or is that dominant side the source of my new creepiness and something I should be seeking to rid myself of?

Regards

Creeps Anonymous

DEAR CREEPS ANONYMOUS: It’s good that you’re recognizing that you did something wrong and are trying to take responsibility for it CA… but you want to fix things then you should focus on what actually went wrong instead of spiraling into the self-flagellation-fest you’re engaging in. Unless you recognize WHY she was creeped out, it’s hard to take measurable steps to not do so next time.

Here’s what happened: you jumped the gun. HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S

T you jumped the gun with your little gift. You had gone on a couple of dates with a bit of kissing at the end. All well and good but then you jumped about a dozen steps ahead – not just trying to start sexting with her but personalized erotica. I want to emphasize this: this is before you’d even gotten to the “sloppy make-outs” stage, never mind “random sexy gifts” or even “seen each other naked” stages. This actually leapfrogs well past “unsolicited pics of your junk” and straight into “it puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again”. It’s no wonder that not only was she seriously wigged out by this – damn near anyone is going to be freaked out when somebody they’ve only seen twice casually is sending them detailed sex fantasies.

So it’s not just that you pushed past her boundaries, it’s that you were massively inappropriate and apparently unaware of the message you were sending to her. Even if we try to view things in the best possible light, it makes you out to have low social intelligence, which is a very unattractive trait.

There’s nothing wrong with being sexual, sexually expressive, kinky or dominant, but part of making any of that work is understanding when it’s appropriate and when oh HELL no it isn’t. And telling somebody what you want to do to her when she’s not given you any indication that she wants to know? That’s an “oh HELL no” situation.

It’s great that your previous relationship was that sexual CA, but you need to remember that it was your previous relationship. Each relationship is going to be different, and those early stages are for finding out whether the two of you are on the same page in what you’re looking for. Just as you don’t send pictures of your junk without clear signs that they’d be welcome, you don’t send personalized erotica to someone who hasn’t asked for it.

I can’t give you any specific rules – no custom smut before X dates – but I will say that if you two haven’t actually had sex or done things that make it clear sex is in the cards, then keep those stories to yourself. Once you two are at a point where you know that she’d find it hot to get those stories… then you send them. And if you’re ever unsure whether that’s something they’d be interested in? Ask.

In fact those are good rules when it comes to consent: when in doubt, just ask. And if you need a creative outlet for that erotica… well that’s what anonymous Tumblrs are for.

Just, for the love of God, don’t write and share porn about people you’re dating without their permission.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I made a terrible mistake and accidentally got myself into a relationship with a friend. I need to apply the brakes with her to (at least) slow things down before getting into a serious relationship.

Yesterday I was having Easter dinner with my family, and an old friend from high school. We are both nineteen years old. Everything was going well and eventually the family ranks thinned out as they went to bed or drove home, leaving myself and my friend in the living room. We were talking for a few hours and she eventually got tired and lay her head on me and we continued to chat for a bit. Eventually she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. She was very nervous, and I have never been kissed before and it was so exciting that we kissed each other on the mouth a couple of times and basically agreed to have a relationship right there and then. About thirty minutes later my uncle and I drove her home agreeing to see each other again soon, I have not told anyone else about this.

The next morning I realized I had made a mistake. The first thing is that this is the first time I have been with this woman since the summer of 2015. I knew her throughout the last year of high school and were good friends then. I had considered asking her about half way through the year, but she went out with another man (she ended that relationship a year ago, and I am not aware if she has been in a serious relationship since then) which ended any thoughts of me doing so. As what often happens when a friend gets into a relationship, she began to distance herself from me. We had texted one another for long periods off and on since then (she is going to the same college as I in a few months), but overall we have not been in serious contact. When she came through the door of my house last night, she was a friend, when she left, she was my girlfriend. The second problem is that I was not at all preparing for a relationship mentally or emotionally. I had not thought of being in a relationship with anyone for months, and now in an instant, I am in one, and I am not sure what to do.

We are due to meet in early May at my place (I live with my parents), and I need to find a way to slow things right now, quickly. I love being around her, and I did enjoy kissing her, but I am not sure if I want to be in a romantic relationship with her, and I for sure know that I do not want one at this very moment (at least, without any kind of preparation). I know I made a terrible mistake, and I should never have led her on nor kissed her, but I need some advice on how to say to her that we need some time to figure things out, without pushing away a friend.

Sincerely –

Rock and A Hard Place

DEAR ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode where George accidentally promises his secretary a raise in the middle of sex and then spends the rest of the time trying to find out how to take it back? It’s one of my favorites because it illustrates a universal fact: people tend to say things they don’t actually mean when they get carried away in the heat of the moment.

In your case, you and she were caught up in the awesomeness of your make-out session and while your hormones were surging and blood was starting to flow away from your brains and to your junk, you made some decisions that you wouldn’t have made if you’d been thinking clearly. This doesn’t mean that kissing her was a mistake, mind you… just a reminder that it’s a good idea to not make any decisions when you’re horny. Or as my father once told me: “Son, a good lawyer is worth twice what they’re charging you.”

No wait, wrong fatherly aphorism. It was “Never make promises to a woman while you’re naked.”

So now you know: next time, enjoy the make-out but don’t make plans.

But that’s for the future and you need to deal with the here and now. And what you need to do is use your words. Hell, all you need to do is tell her what you just told me: You love being around her, you enjoyed making out with her and you want her in your life but you don’t know if you want to date her or anyone right now. I would leave off the “it was a terrible mistake” part because a) no, it wasn’t and b) that is going to make her feel like crap.

And here’s something you may not have considered: she may feel the same way you do. She may well feel the same awkwardness and doesn’t know how to bring it up to you.

So take a deep breath, preface things with “OK, this is going to be a bit awkward, but I need to put this out there” and just lay it out like you told me. Yes, it’ll sting. She may want some time apart to process how she feels. Or she may say “Oh thank God you said it first.”

But it needs to be said. Before she visits.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that is somewhat outside of the normal range, but I respect your view point and I have no one else to ask. In brief-ish, narcissist gas lighting mother is dating the guy that molested me as a small (under 5) child. I haven’t spoken to her in three years, and my dad in almost as long as his response when I tried to talk to him about it was “get over it already.” He is 2nd adoptive step-father, so he wasn’t around at the time. I am 36 and I have three younger siblings, 31, 24, and 18. The youngest is a senior in high school, the 24 is so stunted (thanks mom!) he might as well be. The oldest has already once broken my rule about providing our mother with my contact info. That’s the history.

Here is the problem. I am getting married next spring. My initial urge is to not tell anyone. But I very much want at least one person at the wedding that has known me longer than 3 years. At my first (baaaaaaad choice) wedding, my sister closest in age was a giant a

hole about the whole thing. Admittedly she was 14, but that’s just how she is about most stuff. In her 20s she threw fit on Christmas because the baby of the family got one more present than she did. She counted 15 vs 16. She is also the only person who could arrange for the younger ones to be here, as I live 1,000 miles away and have no money. I would also like to have my dad there, but I don’t know that I can trust him not to tell my mom. He is the epitome of the religious right wing privileged white man. Been supporting Huckabee since I was a teenager. Which is gross, but he does love me and would definitely hold a massive goddamn grudge if he finds out later.

So….what do I do? Get drama llama sister involved? Sneak out the younger ones and hope they can keep a secret? Risk my mother crashing my wedding? I’ve spent the last three years undoing a ton of damage to my psyche and I desperately don’t want to invite all the bulls

t back in. But I love my siblings very much. If none of them come, it will just be me and my partner’s friends and family. I don’t have any close friends, it’s hard to meet people when you are either crying or having panic attacks and can’t trust anyone.

Something Blue

DEAR SOMETHING BLUE: I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through with your family and the damage that it’s done to you over the years. It’s a tragedy when the people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally are the ones who’ve hurt you the worst and the deepest. It’s entirely understandable that you cut off contact with your folks and that you have to keep the remainder at arm’s length; if you can’t trust them to respect your boundaries or not to leak your information to your mother, then keeping them at a distance is a necessary form of psychic self-defense. It’s sad that this is what you have to do to be healthy and happy, but frankly you have to put you first.

Before I get to your wedding questions, I hope that you’re seeking help with a counselor or a therapist. I understand that money is tight, but many counselors will work with you in terms of payment, and Captain Awkward has an excellent guide for finding low-cost (or even free) mental health care options on her site that I highly recommend you check out.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about your wedding questions. Your wedding is ultimately about you and your fiancee. As such, you get to decide what it means, how it’s going to happen and who gets to be there. If you want to have a simple signing of the license and call it good, then whip out the pen and get it done. If you want to have a private ceremony for just you and your partner and a backyard barbecue later for your nearest and dearest, then go for it! If you want the full fairy-tale wedding, then knock yourself out. This right to define your terms includes who gets to know beforehand and who gets to be on the guest list. Somebody else’s hurt fee-fees don’t trump your right to celebrate things the way you want and once you get into obligation invites, things can spiral out of control before you know it.

Now from a personal experience, I have had a close friend get married who had a family member that she absolutely did not want to come; this was a person who had committed actual assault on other members of her family at a similar gathering. The catch: this person was married to her uncle, whom my friend loved to pieces and would have been heartbroken not to have at the ceremony. So when she invited her uncle, not only was his name the only one that was on the invitation, but she reached out to him privately and explained that while he was welcome, his wife was not and if that meant that he couldn’t come, then she understood. Not having her uncle come was going to be the price of not dealing with the stress, drama and potential danger of having her at the wedding.

You have the right to do this too. You can invite the siblings and family members you trust and specifically leave out the ones you don’t, with instructions not to let them know until it’s fait accompli. There will probably be grumbles, but if you can live with that then that’s the price that comes with having them there. If you want to weigh the chances, you can reach out some tentative feelers to those family members you would want to attend – have some conversations about your relationship, your relationship with your mother and how this affects your plans for the future and see how they respond. If you feel secure in trusting them with more information, then you can make with the actual invitations.

Alternately, you are also perfectly welcome to give a carefully edited version of the truth (or just straight up lie): circumstances and monetary limitations mean an incredibly small wedding and limited guest-list of people who were already there; then you can have a simple post-wedding get together for select friends and family later when finances allow. I suspect this may be easier than convoluted levels of skullduggery, especially when you can’t trust certain members of your family to not leak the information to your mother.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything more concrete for you. You’re in an awful situation and there really aren’t any clean-cut or easy answers to your predicament. I just want to you make sure that you take care of yourself first and foremost; you don’t need the toxic members of your family doing any more damage to you than they already have.

But there’s other thing I want you to consider: we have two families in life. We have our family by blood and our family by choice. Sometimes the two are the same. Sometimes they are not. Part of the point of a wedding is that you’re joining your partner’s family, just as they’re joining yours. I presume (and I hope) that your partner’s family loves and respects you and that you love and respect them – this is part of what makes them your family by choice. While I totally understand not wanting your side of the metaphorical aisle to be empty, if you can’t risk the damage it does to you then it’s not worth it to have them there.

But their absence doesn’t mean that your family won’t be there… it just may be that it won’t be the ones you share blood with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem (or more likely, a laundry list of them, haha): I can’t stay interested in a guy for longer than a couple of months after we start a relationship. And it’s not just losing sexual interest. In the beginning, I am completely happy to boink like bunnies at every available opportunity. But at the end, my sex drive is still high and totally functioning, I just don’t want his assistance anymore. Most of it is that all the things that seemed minor and easy to look past in the beginning while everything was sunshine and puppies starts to really drive me nuts and seem like insurmountable obstacles that, frankly, I don’t have the emotional investment to even want to try. Like the fact that a guy (like my current BF) just doesn’t have an opinion on anything or initiate anything. I’m as happy as the next girl to get to do what I want sometimes, but I hate being the one who has to make ALL of the decisions (including big things like being the one to ask him out or little things like what to have for dinner EVERY. SINGLE. TIME we go out). And I know that a solution could be reached, but I’m just not motivated enough to keep him to try.

And this happens every time I try a relationship. And it isn’t that I just don’t know them beforehand. Even with casual encounters I prefer to be friends first, much less trying a relationship. So I’ll have been friends with the guy and crushing on him for a month or two before I ever agree or try to initiate something more. And for a couple of months, it’ll go pretty well. But it takes me a long time to get truly attached to people. And in every relationship I’ve had, the man gets way more emotionally invested way quicker. And then they usually start to get upset that I don’t want to spend as much time with them as they do with me (even though I’ve told them from the outset that it takes me a while and that I’m one of those introverts who requires several human-free hours a day to unwind). And I resent their demands though I try to accommodate, and then get irritated over little things, and then run for the hills of singledom.

I’ve never even been in love. It’s starting to get me worried that I’m defective or something. Surely a 25 year old with an otherwise healthy social life and plenty of romantic opportunities should have fallen for somebody at some point by now, right?

I thought that maybe it was just that maybe I needed another introvert and the magic would happen. Current BF has the same level of social interest, is a great guy, and we even geekgasm over the same things. Plus I’d known and been friends with (and totally crushing on) him for a little less than two months before I asked him out. And the beginning was so promising! But yet again, after three months, I’ve hit that wall where I’m thinking, y’know, I’m not really that interesting. I have never, even in the beginning of any relationship when things are happy-fuzzy-funtimes, been emotionally invested enough to muster more than a vague sense of disappointment at the thought of a breakup. Am I broken?

I know that I do have some issues with emotional intimacy. My first real relationship threatened suicide if I ever left him within the first month of dating. (And really, what does it say about me that I left anyways?) The next one wanted both a mother and a girlfriend all rolled into one. (Which really bothered me since I’ve been completely self sufficient since 19 and am proud of it. I really value my own and any partner’s independence.) He repeatedly told me that I was the only reason he wasn’t getting back into drugs, and I had to very carefully extricate myself from that one, since he was also very emotionally fragile. So guys getting really emotionally attached rather quickly really freaks me out. And I’ve told everyone that I’ve tried to date this. I’m rather upfront about it. And they insist on doing it anyways. And once they start showing obvious signs, I get irritated at that, and then at everything, and then I just want to escape.

So any advice, Doc? Any way that I can possibly have a relationship that lasts into the longterm? Because while I’m not one of those girls who can’t be happy single, I do at times think I’d like to have a partner in life. Which results in me trying the whole relationship thing over instead of ignoring my crushes, which inevitably ends up with me feeling like a bitch for breaking up with yet another guy after just a few months. Am I doomed to serial short-term monogamy?

—Maybe I’m a Robot?

DEAR MAYBE I’M A ROBOT: I don’t think you’re defective, MIaR, I think you’re still working on your relationship style and needs. When someone is right for you, it doesn’t mean that they’re going to be right for you forever. Not every relationship is meant to be a long-term one, and the fact that you broke up didn’t mean that the relationship is a failure. Some relationships are just short-term by their nature; that doesn’t make them lesser or not valid. You may well just be a serial monogamist who has short-term flings and gets her emotional needs met through other means besides a long-term partner, and that’s totally cool, as long as you’re cool with it.

Now with all that being said: if you’re seeing patterns in every relationship you have, then you need to look at what they all have in common. And sometimes the only common denominator is you. And if you’re having the same issue over and over again, I think a lot comes down to who you’re picking and why. It seems to me that -based on what you’ve told me here – that you hold yourself back in relationships. It’s not without reason; your first two relationships were pretty bad, and you don’t want to get hung up in a bad situation again. Totally understandable. It could also be that there’s some part of you that thinks that you don’t deserve to be happy or to let someone in. This is a different situation entirely, and something you may need to work out with a counselor.

But regardless of the root cause, I have to wonder if you’re not necessarily dating people out of a sense of obligation that you should be dating someone and you end up picking people who’ll do, rather than someone you really connect with. If that’s the case, then I’m not surprised that you’re continually finding deal-breakers; you may well be subconsciously choosing people you know on some level aren’t a good fit because it makes it easier to leave them later. 

And if I’m right – and you’ll have to tell me, since you know yourself better than I do – then it’s no real wonder that your boyfriends get more attached than you do. After all, if you’re holding yourself back from opening up and really connecting with someone, then of course they’re going to fall for you faster and get more invested than you do.

If that’s the case, then the first thing I would suggest is to change your dating style until you’re ready to let people in. Right now, your boyfriends are going into this with the assumption that you’re both on the same page and looking for something that has the potential to be long-term. If you aren’t letting yourself open up to connecting and caring for them… well, you’re kinda dating in bad faith, and that’s not fair to them. It may be easier all around to stick to more casual dating then aiming for something more committed; without the pressure and/or expectation to be “official”, you may find that your interest lasts long enough that you feel comfortable opening up and investing in them.

Or, like I said, it could just be that you’re 25 and this is how you date for now. As long as you’re cool with it – and upfront with your potential partners about how you work so they can make an informed decision – there’s no real reason why you need to change if you don’t want to. The fact that this is how you’re dating now doesn’t mean that you’re going to be dating like this for the rest of your life, and it may be a while before you’re in a place where you’re ready for a long-term partner. There’s no cut-off point where you’re no longer able to have a life-partner and finding one in your late 20s (or 30s or 40s or any age) doesn’t make it any less meaningful or special.

So unless this really bothers you – not just in a “I should have an LTR” way – then it’s really not that big of a deal. If it does bother you and you want to change things, then do some soul searching, maybe talk with someone and work on it. If not then, hey, you do you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Do you have any tips or advice for screening out toxic/abusive partners from the dating pool? I’m talking about those who are well-rehearsed in appearing sincere, understanding and respectful, so it takes a couple weeks (months, years …) to see the red flags waving. For those of us who’ve been through the psychological wringer in the past, spending even just a few weeks with another such person can be re-traumatizing. By the time you’re starting to see the real them, you’ve also started to share yourself and become emotionally invested/vulnerable. What can you suggest to limit exposure to people who will take advantage of you and dick around with your head & heart?

– Wanna Be Pre-Cog

DEAR WANNA BE PRE-COG: One of the mistakes that a lot of people make is that we think that abusers look and act like cartoon villains. Sure, we all hear about superficial charm and all, but at the end of the day, we like to think that an abuser or someone who’s toxic can’t help but compulsively give away the game by being awful to everyone. This is one of the reasons why so many people don’t believe the victims of abuse; we hear about how “well he/she was always nice to me” or about what an awesome person they were and they can’t imagine their good friend WhatsHisNuts abusing their partner. Since we didn’t see them twirling their mustaches, flying away on a broomstick or turning into a character from Fury Road, we have a harder time processing the dichotomy.

(Now to be fair, it’s also hard to be willing to accept that hey, we were wrong about someone we thought was a good person. The cognitive dissonance between what we always believed about someone and what we’ve learned can be hard to process and that leaves a lot of people in a state somewhere between stunned disbelief and denial.)

But the truth is, abusers and toxic people are very godamn good at keeping those disparate parts of their personality separate. Sometimes this is a conscious choice; a strategy of abuse that they’ve chosen to adopt in order to isolate their targets. Other times, they may not be constantly thinking “OK, time to put on my Nice Face!” but they understand at some level that they should act one way to get a particular result around others and a different way around their victim. And while there’re are those who will overestimate things and drop their sweet facade early on, there are plenty who’re willing to play the long game… as long as they think it will get them what they want.

There’re a couple ways of protecting yourself from abusers and toxic relationships. The first is to recognize the common patterns and behaviors. Abusers will frequently “love bomb” their targets – overwhelming them with affection and praise. They want to establish themselves as The Good Guy/Girl, making their mark feel so special and cared for that they’re willing to ignore potential warning signs. In fact, this is an incredibly common recruiting tactic You may have noticed this behavior with people online, especially folks who get brought into toxic groups like the alt-right, GamerGate or ComicsGate; it’s a way of abusing the natural instinct to prioritize relationships that make us feel good. So if someone is far more affectionate and effusive than is really appropriate for your relationship – especially if you’ve heard bad things about them before – then it’s good to put your guard up.

Abusers will also try to isolate their targets from their friends and social circles. This is rarely overt, especially at first. Instead at first they’ll start to try to cast doubt on people you’re close to, especially people who might be the ones to tell you that this new person’s bad news. It often starts as “reasonable” questions that are designed to make you question the other person’s motivation. “Well of course he’s not happy you’re with me. He’s got a crush on you; he’s just jealous that I’m with you instead of him.” “I dunno, they seem like someone who starts a lot of drama.” The more they can get you to doubt the sincerity or motivation of people you trust, the less likely you are to go to them when you want confirmation that your gut says something may be wrong.

Abusers will also try to get you to doubt your own instincts and feelings. When we think of terms like gaslighting we think of overt or obvious lies – “I never said that,” “why do you make me do this?” What we often don’t think of are the subtle ways that abusers will try to undermine your confidence in your own judgment. This tends to start off with questioning your judgement calls or asking are you sure you didn’t contribute to the problem?Are you absolutely positive that’s what they meant? Maybe you misunderstood. The less secure you feel in your own instincts, the easier it is for them to twist things up so that things are your fault.

But the tricky thing about being on the lookout for signs of a toxic relationship or abusive behavior is that non-abusive behavior can sometimes trip those alarms and set your Spidey-sense tingling. And while well-meaning folks may do something that feels like it could be abusive by accident, inveterate abusers will be quick to give you very plausible reasons why their behavior is nothing of the kind.

Which is why the best way to protect yourself from abusers and toxic relationships is to build and maintain strong boundaries. Abusers aren’t like movie villains, who long to break someone’s will and will devote themselves to trying to suborn a specific person. They’re predators, and they don’t want to have to exert themselves to get what they want. Someone who’s not afraid to draw a firm line in the sand and refuse to cross it is someone who won’t be easy to manipulate. A person who will refuse to do things that they find objectionable, uncomfortable, or that aren’t their responsibility in the first place are people who are far less likely to swallow the abuser’s bulls

t. Yeah, telling this person “no” may risk the relationship… but the fact that you’re willing to take that risk is a sign that you’re someone who isn’t vulnerable to pressure or manipulation. When you’re not willing to let someone weaponize guilt against you or bulldoze your boundaries because “they know what’s best for you”, you’re showing them that their tricks aren’t going to work on you.

Now maintaining strong boundaries is hard. There will be people – from partners to parents  – who will resent and object to the fact that you feel like you can tell them “no”. Even people who we wouldn’t normally think of as toxic will object to the fact that you’ve decided to put your foot down. They will argue with you and badger you and try to guilt or shame you. Others will appeal to your sense of “fairness” or want to be oh so very reasonable. But you don’t need to explain, justify or otherwise give a “sufficient” reason for your boundaries. Your boundaries are not a democracy; you get to set them where you choose and nobody gets to tell you otherwise. Remember: “no” is a complete sentence.

The good thing is, once you’re in the habit of maintaining strong boundaries, you’ll have less to worry about. Having that sense of assuredness and willingness to stand up for yourself has the effect of driving abusers and toxic people away. While there may still be people who try to test your defenses, the people who stick around? Those will be the ones who understand your right to draw the line wherever you choose and who’ll respect it. They’ll be the ones who will show you through their actions that they’re people you can trust.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am now finding myself in a role I didn’t want, and that is of “the bitchy girlfriend.”

This is a relationship from which I cannot easily extract myself. My long-term partner and I have been friends with this guy for about 5 years. We’re all older, and when I say that I guess I mean “should be past this drama by now.”

Long story short, my partner and I were set to help this guy move into a new apartment on Saturday, mostly consisting of helping him get the heavy stuff up the stairs into his new place. I had had a minor medical procedure which involved anesthesia done on Friday. This procedure had been scheduled and planned for 3 months, so we all knew about it way ahead of time. It was agreed that I would be basically doing light things and holding the door.

The move went well enough and was done in short time. Our friend wanted to go to a bar and drink some beer. I requested someplace that served food because I was feeling slightly nauseated and drained and wanted some soup and ginger ale.

This friend of ours likes to crack jokes. And when I say that, it’s almost as if he is incapable of having any sort of even half-way serious conversation. And I don’t mean discussions about politics or philosophy – I mean normal conversation. Every other comment is a crack or a jab. It gets old.

He also does this thing that I really don’t understand. When the 3 of us go out (the two guys and then me), it’s almost like he targets me. And he did so this right after this move and was jabbing me about “always wanting food” and “she didn’t even do anything to deserve it.” My partner gently suggested that he back off, I had just had a procedure less than 24 hours ago and was feeling under the weather, and that was the cue for our friend to say to me, “so are we all done with it being all about you then?” And with that I just wanted to cry.

It’s confusing because he only does this when the 3 of us go out. If it happens to be just him and me (we’ve gone hiking together on days when my partner didn’t feel up to it), he’s absolutely fine. He only acts this way when my partner is there. And I realize it’s a guy thing to insult each other, to make fun of each other, and I get it. But for some reason, it’s always me who ends up the butt of the jokes. In the past, I would just smile and say nothing or roll my eyes, but the joke is worn very thin.

So now I have decided to put some space between us and not attend these outings with the guys. My partner acknowledged that the jokes go too far sometimes and to try to not take it personally, “it’s a guy thing,” but as I tried to explain to my partner – I’M NOT A GUY. I don’t like to be teased, I don’t like to be jabbed, and what he did felt like an attack. And I spent my entire first part of my life being put down for whatever was convenient – my eyeglasses, my big nose, my big feet, my voice, my clothes, my weight, my whatever. So yes, I’m sensitive and no one gets to say what should or should not hurt me. I have no problems cutting people out of my life, but this one is slightly different because he’s my partner’s friend too. I don’t care if the 2 of them go out together, actually now I’d rather they did, but they always invite me along and now I don’t know how to remove myself gracefully or to even understand something as simple as what the hell is wrong with him.

Don’t Want To be The Killjoy

DEAR DON’T WANT TO BE THE KILLJOY: Your partner’s friend’s an asshole, DWTbTK. Pure and simple. He may think he’s being clever and funny, but to quote John Scalzi, the fail-state of “clever” is “asshole”.

Why is he targeting you? Well, it could be because he’s threatened by your presence and the change in the dynamic that you represent after you started dating his bro. It could be that he thinks you’re oh-so-serious and need to loosen up. Or it could be that he’s going for the person he perceives as being the weakest in the social group. But honestly? The reasons don’t matter; even if he’s doing it because this is his twisted way of trying to show friendship, it’s still not cool. It’s cruel and it’s hurtful and you don’t appreciate it and he can knock it ALL the goddamn way off.

So here’s what I’d suggest. First: refuse the invites to hang out with both of them. Full stop. Don’t worry about bowing out gracefully; just stop agreeing to go, even if you have to be blunt about it. If your partner wants to know why, then you can tell him that it’s because his friend’s an asshole who won’t stop insulting you and you’re not in the mood for being his punching bag for the evening. It doesn’t matter if it’s a “guy thing”, you don’t appreciate it and you don’t want to go through it. If your partner tells you that you shouldn’t take it personally, then you can point out that it’s hard not to when it’s only directed at you and it’s relentless and, regardless, you won’t put up with it. Until he drops his schtick – not “does it to everyone”, not spreads it around more equitably but cut it out completely – you have no interest in ever hanging out with him.

And frankly, your partner should be willing to stand up to their bro and tell him to lay the hell off. The dude’s being rude and disrespectful and nobody likes it or finds it funny. If your partner wants you to be out with the both of them, then they can step the hell up and help end the reason why you don’t want to spend time with this choad.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)