DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m going to start by saying I think you writing is just great, you bring knowledge PUA yet at same time temper it with real sensitivity and respect for women. Your article ‘Creep Week – How to reform creeper’ resonated with me deeply and I’ll think you’ll see why once I share the story of a recent screw up I made. And, boy did I screw up. Over the past decade I have been, nearly all the time in long term relationships. At the very start of each these relationships I did something for the girl in question, which had always been appreciated and enjoyed by them. I would write a short story – erotic fiction – that would feature both of us and be explicit but nothing too kinky. This would invariable take the relationship to a sexual place very quickly nearly every time.
My last girlfriend (of ~3 years) was a sexually liberated woman who put me in touch with my dominant side. She would often encourage me to be more extreme in bed especially in the things I would say to her. She ended the relationship about 2 months ago.
I joined tinder and started dating again about 3 weeks ago.
I met a very attractive girl, who gave me her no, we texted each other for a while and she asked me to connect on facebook with her. When I asked her on a date seemed genuinely excited at my proposition. The first date went about as well as you could expect, we had a meal, talked for hours and kissed at the ended, arranging to met a few days later for lunch.
Lunch date went well and she invited me over to her place Tuesday the following week, and I said I would cook for her. And this is where I made the 1st big mistake. Yes, you guessed it, I went her wrote an erotic fiction short story. I asked for her email address saying that I had written something for her that would be unsuitable for work. I sent it.
She texted back saying that it was weird and she didn’t want to see me again and unfriended me on facebook.
My 2nd mistake:
I tried to apologize by email but guess I had not fully realized the distress I had caused this girl, or was apologizing for the wrong reasons. She replied to the email saying i was a creep and a pervert. She told me what I had written was an ’emotional invasion of privacy of such a personal nature’. She said if I came near her or tried to contact her again she would have up on a sexual harassment charge.
It was only once I read that I completely understood what I had done.
I had completely and utterly, rode rough-shod over this girl’s boundaries and committed a criminal act in the process.
Lessons I learned from this:
Never, ever again will I send a girl erotic fiction unless I have their expressed permission to send them explicit written material.
Slow the hell down and learn to chill.
My questions to you Doc are:
1. I am broken? Is my inability to recognize and respect this girl’s very basic and obvious boundaries a sign that I should seek professional help? Bear I mind that I not been called or acted like (I think) a creep in over a decade.
2. I know I should not use excuses for my behavior but do you think I could have been carrying around behavior I had learned from my last long term relationship, which was deeply sexual in nature?
3. Should I not date for a while, get myself off tinder and just spend some time by myself? I still feel a desire for intimacy in my life and I miss the emotional and physical connection of being with someone. I am currently dating, in contact with a few women, nothing serious yet though.
4. How can I be more aware of a woman’s boundaries so I don’t push past them again and balance that with the dominant sexual side of my personality that has been awoken by my last relationship? Or is that dominant side the source of my new creepiness and something I should be seeking to rid myself of?
DEAR CREEPS ANONYMOUS: It’s good that you’re recognizing that you did something wrong and are trying to take responsibility for it CA… but you want to fix things then you should focus on what actually went wrong instead of spiraling into the self-flagellation-fest you’re engaging in. Unless you recognize WHY she was creeped out, it’s hard to take measurable steps to not do so next time.
Here’s what happened: you jumped the gun. HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S
T you jumped the gun with your little gift. You had gone on a couple of dates with a bit of kissing at the end. All well and good but then you jumped about a dozen steps ahead – not just trying to start sexting with her but personalized erotica. I want to emphasize this: this is before you’d even gotten to the “sloppy make-outs” stage, never mind “random sexy gifts” or even “seen each other naked” stages. This actually leapfrogs well past “unsolicited pics of your junk” and straight into “it puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again”. It’s no wonder that not only was she seriously wigged out by this – damn near anyone is going to be freaked out when somebody they’ve only seen twice casually is sending them detailed sex fantasies.
So it’s not just that you pushed past her boundaries, it’s that you were massively inappropriate and apparently unaware of the message you were sending to her. Even if we try to view things in the best possible light, it makes you out to have low social intelligence, which is a very unattractive trait.
There’s nothing wrong with being sexual, sexually expressive, kinky or dominant, but part of making any of that work is understanding when it’s appropriate and when oh HELL no it isn’t. And telling somebody what you want to do to her when she’s not given you any indication that she wants to know? That’s an “oh HELL no” situation.
It’s great that your previous relationship was that sexual CA, but you need to remember that it was your previous relationship. Each relationship is going to be different, and those early stages are for finding out whether the two of you are on the same page in what you’re looking for. Just as you don’t send pictures of your junk without clear signs that they’d be welcome, you don’t send personalized erotica to someone who hasn’t asked for it.
I can’t give you any specific rules – no custom smut before X dates – but I will say that if you two haven’t actually had sex or done things that make it clear sex is in the cards, then keep those stories to yourself. Once you two are at a point where you know that she’d find it hot to get those stories… then you send them. And if you’re ever unsure whether that’s something they’d be interested in? Ask.
In fact those are good rules when it comes to consent: when in doubt, just ask. And if you need a creative outlet for that erotica… well that’s what anonymous Tumblrs are for.
Just, for the love of God, don’t write and share porn about people you’re dating without their permission.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I made a terrible mistake and accidentally got myself into a relationship with a friend. I need to apply the brakes with her to (at least) slow things down before getting into a serious relationship.
Yesterday I was having Easter dinner with my family, and an old friend from high school. We are both nineteen years old. Everything was going well and eventually the family ranks thinned out as they went to bed or drove home, leaving myself and my friend in the living room. We were talking for a few hours and she eventually got tired and lay her head on me and we continued to chat for a bit. Eventually she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. She was very nervous, and I have never been kissed before and it was so exciting that we kissed each other on the mouth a couple of times and basically agreed to have a relationship right there and then. About thirty minutes later my uncle and I drove her home agreeing to see each other again soon, I have not told anyone else about this.
The next morning I realized I had made a mistake. The first thing is that this is the first time I have been with this woman since the summer of 2015. I knew her throughout the last year of high school and were good friends then. I had considered asking her about half way through the year, but she went out with another man (she ended that relationship a year ago, and I am not aware if she has been in a serious relationship since then) which ended any thoughts of me doing so. As what often happens when a friend gets into a relationship, she began to distance herself from me. We had texted one another for long periods off and on since then (she is going to the same college as I in a few months), but overall we have not been in serious contact. When she came through the door of my house last night, she was a friend, when she left, she was my girlfriend. The second problem is that I was not at all preparing for a relationship mentally or emotionally. I had not thought of being in a relationship with anyone for months, and now in an instant, I am in one, and I am not sure what to do.
We are due to meet in early May at my place (I live with my parents), and I need to find a way to slow things right now, quickly. I love being around her, and I did enjoy kissing her, but I am not sure if I want to be in a romantic relationship with her, and I for sure know that I do not want one at this very moment (at least, without any kind of preparation). I know I made a terrible mistake, and I should never have led her on nor kissed her, but I need some advice on how to say to her that we need some time to figure things out, without pushing away a friend.
Rock and A Hard Place
DEAR ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode where George accidentally promises his secretary a raise in the middle of sex and then spends the rest of the time trying to find out how to take it back? It’s one of my favorites because it illustrates a universal fact: people tend to say things they don’t actually mean when they get carried away in the heat of the moment.
In your case, you and she were caught up in the awesomeness of your make-out session and while your hormones were surging and blood was starting to flow away from your brains and to your junk, you made some decisions that you wouldn’t have made if you’d been thinking clearly. This doesn’t mean that kissing her was a mistake, mind you… just a reminder that it’s a good idea to not make any decisions when you’re horny. Or as my father once told me: “Son, a good lawyer is worth twice what they’re charging you.”
No wait, wrong fatherly aphorism. It was “Never make promises to a woman while you’re naked.”
So now you know: next time, enjoy the make-out but don’t make plans.
But that’s for the future and you need to deal with the here and now. And what you need to do is use your words. Hell, all you need to do is tell her what you just told me: You love being around her, you enjoyed making out with her and you want her in your life but you don’t know if you want to date her or anyone right now. I would leave off the “it was a terrible mistake” part because a) no, it wasn’t and b) that is going to make her feel like crap.
And here’s something you may not have considered: she may feel the same way you do. She may well feel the same awkwardness and doesn’t know how to bring it up to you.
So take a deep breath, preface things with “OK, this is going to be a bit awkward, but I need to put this out there” and just lay it out like you told me. Yes, it’ll sting. She may want some time apart to process how she feels. Or she may say “Oh thank God you said it first.”
But it needs to be said. Before she visits.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)