DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Do you have any tips or advice for screening out toxic/abusive partners from the dating pool? I’m talking about those who are well-rehearsed in appearing sincere, understanding and respectful, so it takes a couple weeks (months, years …) to see the red flags waving. For those of us who’ve been through the psychological wringer in the past, spending even just a few weeks with another such person can be re-traumatizing. By the time you’re starting to see the real them, you’ve also started to share yourself and become emotionally invested/vulnerable. What can you suggest to limit exposure to people who will take advantage of you and dick around with your head & heart?

– Wanna Be Pre-Cog

DEAR WANNA BE PRE-COG: One of the mistakes that a lot of people make is that we think that abusers look and act like cartoon villains. Sure, we all hear about superficial charm and all, but at the end of the day, we like to think that an abuser or someone who’s toxic can’t help but compulsively give away the game by being awful to everyone. This is one of the reasons why so many people don’t believe the victims of abuse; we hear about how “well he/she was always nice to me” or about what an awesome person they were and they can’t imagine their good friend WhatsHisNuts abusing their partner. Since we didn’t see them twirling their mustaches, flying away on a broomstick or turning into a character from Fury Road, we have a harder time processing the dichotomy.

(Now to be fair, it’s also hard to be willing to accept that hey, we were wrong about someone we thought was a good person. The cognitive dissonance between what we always believed about someone and what we’ve learned can be hard to process and that leaves a lot of people in a state somewhere between stunned disbelief and denial.)

But the truth is, abusers and toxic people are very godamn good at keeping those disparate parts of their personality separate. Sometimes this is a conscious choice; a strategy of abuse that they’ve chosen to adopt in order to isolate their targets. Other times, they may not be constantly thinking “OK, time to put on my Nice Face!” but they understand at some level that they should act one way to get a particular result around others and a different way around their victim. And while there’re are those who will overestimate things and drop their sweet facade early on, there are plenty who’re willing to play the long game… as long as they think it will get them what they want.

There’re a couple ways of protecting yourself from abusers and toxic relationships. The first is to recognize the common patterns and behaviors. Abusers will frequently “love bomb” their targets – overwhelming them with affection and praise. They want to establish themselves as The Good Guy/Girl, making their mark feel so special and cared for that they’re willing to ignore potential warning signs. In fact, this is an incredibly common recruiting tactic You may have noticed this behavior with people online, especially folks who get brought into toxic groups like the alt-right, GamerGate or ComicsGate; it’s a way of abusing the natural instinct to prioritize relationships that make us feel good. So if someone is far more affectionate and effusive than is really appropriate for your relationship – especially if you’ve heard bad things about them before – then it’s good to put your guard up.

Abusers will also try to isolate their targets from their friends and social circles. This is rarely overt, especially at first. Instead at first they’ll start to try to cast doubt on people you’re close to, especially people who might be the ones to tell you that this new person’s bad news. It often starts as “reasonable” questions that are designed to make you question the other person’s motivation. “Well of course he’s not happy you’re with me. He’s got a crush on you; he’s just jealous that I’m with you instead of him.” “I dunno, they seem like someone who starts a lot of drama.” The more they can get you to doubt the sincerity or motivation of people you trust, the less likely you are to go to them when you want confirmation that your gut says something may be wrong.

Abusers will also try to get you to doubt your own instincts and feelings. When we think of terms like gaslighting we think of overt or obvious lies – “I never said that,” “why do you make me do this?” What we often don’t think of are the subtle ways that abusers will try to undermine your confidence in your own judgment. This tends to start off with questioning your judgement calls or asking are you sure you didn’t contribute to the problem?Are you absolutely positive that’s what they meant? Maybe you misunderstood. The less secure you feel in your own instincts, the easier it is for them to twist things up so that things are your fault.

But the tricky thing about being on the lookout for signs of a toxic relationship or abusive behavior is that non-abusive behavior can sometimes trip those alarms and set your Spidey-sense tingling. And while well-meaning folks may do something that feels like it could be abusive by accident, inveterate abusers will be quick to give you very plausible reasons why their behavior is nothing of the kind.

Which is why the best way to protect yourself from abusers and toxic relationships is to build and maintain strong boundaries. Abusers aren’t like movie villains, who long to break someone’s will and will devote themselves to trying to suborn a specific person. They’re predators, and they don’t want to have to exert themselves to get what they want. Someone who’s not afraid to draw a firm line in the sand and refuse to cross it is someone who won’t be easy to manipulate. A person who will refuse to do things that they find objectionable, uncomfortable, or that aren’t their responsibility in the first place are people who are far less likely to swallow the abuser’s bulls

t. Yeah, telling this person “no” may risk the relationship… but the fact that you’re willing to take that risk is a sign that you’re someone who isn’t vulnerable to pressure or manipulation. When you’re not willing to let someone weaponize guilt against you or bulldoze your boundaries because “they know what’s best for you”, you’re showing them that their tricks aren’t going to work on you.

Now maintaining strong boundaries is hard. There will be people – from partners to parents  – who will resent and object to the fact that you feel like you can tell them “no”. Even people who we wouldn’t normally think of as toxic will object to the fact that you’ve decided to put your foot down. They will argue with you and badger you and try to guilt or shame you. Others will appeal to your sense of “fairness” or want to be oh so very reasonable. But you don’t need to explain, justify or otherwise give a “sufficient” reason for your boundaries. Your boundaries are not a democracy; you get to set them where you choose and nobody gets to tell you otherwise. Remember: “no” is a complete sentence.

The good thing is, once you’re in the habit of maintaining strong boundaries, you’ll have less to worry about. Having that sense of assuredness and willingness to stand up for yourself has the effect of driving abusers and toxic people away. While there may still be people who try to test your defenses, the people who stick around? Those will be the ones who understand your right to draw the line wherever you choose and who’ll respect it. They’ll be the ones who will show you through their actions that they’re people you can trust.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am now finding myself in a role I didn’t want, and that is of “the bitchy girlfriend.”

This is a relationship from which I cannot easily extract myself. My long-term partner and I have been friends with this guy for about 5 years. We’re all older, and when I say that I guess I mean “should be past this drama by now.”

Long story short, my partner and I were set to help this guy move into a new apartment on Saturday, mostly consisting of helping him get the heavy stuff up the stairs into his new place. I had had a minor medical procedure which involved anesthesia done on Friday. This procedure had been scheduled and planned for 3 months, so we all knew about it way ahead of time. It was agreed that I would be basically doing light things and holding the door.

The move went well enough and was done in short time. Our friend wanted to go to a bar and drink some beer. I requested someplace that served food because I was feeling slightly nauseated and drained and wanted some soup and ginger ale.

This friend of ours likes to crack jokes. And when I say that, it’s almost as if he is incapable of having any sort of even half-way serious conversation. And I don’t mean discussions about politics or philosophy – I mean normal conversation. Every other comment is a crack or a jab. It gets old.

He also does this thing that I really don’t understand. When the 3 of us go out (the two guys and then me), it’s almost like he targets me. And he did so this right after this move and was jabbing me about “always wanting food” and “she didn’t even do anything to deserve it.” My partner gently suggested that he back off, I had just had a procedure less than 24 hours ago and was feeling under the weather, and that was the cue for our friend to say to me, “so are we all done with it being all about you then?” And with that I just wanted to cry.

It’s confusing because he only does this when the 3 of us go out. If it happens to be just him and me (we’ve gone hiking together on days when my partner didn’t feel up to it), he’s absolutely fine. He only acts this way when my partner is there. And I realize it’s a guy thing to insult each other, to make fun of each other, and I get it. But for some reason, it’s always me who ends up the butt of the jokes. In the past, I would just smile and say nothing or roll my eyes, but the joke is worn very thin.

So now I have decided to put some space between us and not attend these outings with the guys. My partner acknowledged that the jokes go too far sometimes and to try to not take it personally, “it’s a guy thing,” but as I tried to explain to my partner – I’M NOT A GUY. I don’t like to be teased, I don’t like to be jabbed, and what he did felt like an attack. And I spent my entire first part of my life being put down for whatever was convenient – my eyeglasses, my big nose, my big feet, my voice, my clothes, my weight, my whatever. So yes, I’m sensitive and no one gets to say what should or should not hurt me. I have no problems cutting people out of my life, but this one is slightly different because he’s my partner’s friend too. I don’t care if the 2 of them go out together, actually now I’d rather they did, but they always invite me along and now I don’t know how to remove myself gracefully or to even understand something as simple as what the hell is wrong with him.

Don’t Want To be The Killjoy

DEAR DON’T WANT TO BE THE KILLJOY: Your partner’s friend’s an asshole, DWTbTK. Pure and simple. He may think he’s being clever and funny, but to quote John Scalzi, the fail-state of “clever” is “asshole”.

Why is he targeting you? Well, it could be because he’s threatened by your presence and the change in the dynamic that you represent after you started dating his bro. It could be that he thinks you’re oh-so-serious and need to loosen up. Or it could be that he’s going for the person he perceives as being the weakest in the social group. But honestly? The reasons don’t matter; even if he’s doing it because this is his twisted way of trying to show friendship, it’s still not cool. It’s cruel and it’s hurtful and you don’t appreciate it and he can knock it ALL the goddamn way off.

So here’s what I’d suggest. First: refuse the invites to hang out with both of them. Full stop. Don’t worry about bowing out gracefully; just stop agreeing to go, even if you have to be blunt about it. If your partner wants to know why, then you can tell him that it’s because his friend’s an asshole who won’t stop insulting you and you’re not in the mood for being his punching bag for the evening. It doesn’t matter if it’s a “guy thing”, you don’t appreciate it and you don’t want to go through it. If your partner tells you that you shouldn’t take it personally, then you can point out that it’s hard not to when it’s only directed at you and it’s relentless and, regardless, you won’t put up with it. Until he drops his schtick – not “does it to everyone”, not spreads it around more equitably but cut it out completely – you have no interest in ever hanging out with him.

And frankly, your partner should be willing to stand up to their bro and tell him to lay the hell off. The dude’s being rude and disrespectful and nobody likes it or finds it funny. If your partner wants you to be out with the both of them, then they can step the hell up and help end the reason why you don’t want to spend time with this choad.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 year-old dude who’s had an existent but inconsistent and not very spectacular track record with women over my life. I’ve read your blog in the past, but have only recently begun looking at it extensively as part of a massive self-improvement kick. Even though I’ve only been reading it for a few weeks now, and it hasn’t yet lead to me picking up women, I’ve been working on incorporating a lot of your advice into my general social interactions and I’m already finding myself growing in confidence exponentially the more I apply it. So thanks!

With that said, I need some advice for a situation that has popped up a surprising number of times in my life. I call it the ‘c

kblock curse’; I find I might be chatting to an attractive girl who I’d like to have a shot with – usually in a small social event like a party or an outing with friends – then, as if God has sent an adversary purely to spite me, another guy neither I or the girl have met before comes up and starts chatting to her too, and next thing you know, there’s that awkward ‘I know you’re trying to gun for her but we’re not going to say anything and just act passive aggressive to each other’ vibe between me and the other dude. It feels like it happens almost every time I try to engage with a girl I find attractive, to the point where I’m almost genuinely starting to believe I’m cursed or have a big target painted on my back saying ‘easy competition.’

My problem is once that ‘competition’ – I hate using that word, but it’s the best one I can think of, I’m sure you could think of a much more respectful way to phrase it – is established, I don’t know where to go from there. I used to be super indignant when this happened, as it was my understanding due to BS concepts such as the ‘bro code’ that you never block another man while he’s hitting on a woman. Once I actually brought the woman’s agency into account (i.e. the idea that just because I spoke to her first gives me exclusive rights to hitting on her), my attitude changed radically, but now I’ve gone the complete opposite way to the point where when competition arises, I don’t know what to do, so I back down completely and let the situation go; and as I said, since it feels like it happens every single time I try to talk to a woman, it feels like a lot of missed opportunity.

Part of this is definitely self-confidence; I just automatically assume I’ll be ‘second best’ in such a situation, so I resign myself to failure before I even begin. However, a lot of it is also just not knowing what the best way to handle the situation is.

Obviously the woman’s agency is important and the ultimate decision comes down to her, including the decision to tell us both to piss off, should she find both of us grating; in fact, part of my hesitancy in such situations is because I’ve been on the receiving end of that outcome in the past, and being told both me and the other guy look like jerks is almost as embarrassing, if not even more so, than being rejected in favor of the other guy.

Another big part of it is how to treat the third party; should I engage positively with him? Should I be dismissive? Should I simply continuing engaging with the girl (assuming I’m doing everything else right) and just ignore the other guy? When such situations occur I often find the third party being passive aggressive towards me or overly showy about themselves, and I usually subconsciously respond in kind. Of course, that kind of showoff-man-ship never seems to work, but I still don’t know if that’s even ‘fair game’ or not.

Essentially I need an etiquette guide for such a situation; one that allows me to continue to respectfully engage with a woman or even the other ‘competing’ man without making myself look like a jerk, while not backing down at the slightest hint of competition. Any advice?

Regards,

Second-Best

DEAR SECOND-BEST:

First of all, let’s define some terms. There’re two types of events that guys tend to call c

kblocking. The first is when a woman’s friend or friends insert themselves into the conversation and pull the woman you were talking to away.

The second is when another guy attempts to hit on the same woman you’re flirting with.

In the former, this isn’t a case of people jumping in to ruin your night because “they’re not getting enough attention and they’re jealous” or “F

CK YOU, THAT’S WHY.” This is almost always a case of that woman’s friends having gotten the “come save me” signal and are providing her with a tactful way out of the conversation. The only thing to do here is try to figure out just where you may have made a mistake and not repeat it the next time.

The latter… well, that’s unfortunately part of trying to do cold approaches in venues like bars and clubs. Learning how to handle them is part of the necessary skillset.

You’re definitely right about the confidence part, SB. If you’re seeing yourself as a second-rate option who’s always going to get shut out if someone – anyone – else comes into the conversation, then yeah, you’re going to keep getting squeezed out of the conversation. So one of the first things I’d recommend is working on building up your confidence. I’ve got a few resources on how to boost your self-esteem quickly and over the long term on my site, which should help. The next thing I suggest is working on being more engaging; we prioritize engaging with people who make us feel good, after all. If you’re the one who’s making her laugh or telling amazing stories, she’s going to find you far more compelling than the other guy trying to muscle in.

Now you’re right: the last thing you want to do when someone’s trying to push you out of a conversation is to react directly to it and call him out. It makes you look petty and possessive –very unattractive traits in a person – and gives him the opportunity to flip it against you: “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just chatting. Oh wait, am I stealing your girl? Oh, shit, I’m sorry! No, miss, you should totally date him; he’ll be like your BFF only a dude, you know?” Suddenly you’re on the defensive as he’s framed you as trying to pick her up while subtly mocking you. This is a bad place to be and unless you’re really good at verbal jiu-jitsu, it’s hard to come back from.

All that being said: you can squeeze somebody out when they’re trying to hit on someone you’re flirting with. You just have to know how to do it.

Now, don’t necessarily assume that he’s there to “steal” (for lack of a better term) the woman you’re talking to. You don’t necessarily want to start a competition where there isn’t one. He may very well just want to chat and your bristling any time any guy comes near is going to make you look insecure. One of the best things you can do in this case is simply befriend the guy. Include him in the conversation and build rapport with him and find some commonalities. You’re going to have to split your attention a little so that you don’t end up ignoring the woman you were flirting with, but when handled well, you can actually turn a potential c

kblock into a new friend – in fact, if you’re dealing with a large group of people, you can even end up recruiting your new friend into being an impromptu wingman, helping keep the others occupied while you focus on the woman you’ve been working towards hooking up with. Plus: hey, you’ve just made a new friend! How awesome is that?

But let’s assume that he’s rolling in with the intent on swooping in and blocking you. The easiest way to squeeze a guy out is through social dynamics. When he comes in and starts talking – especially if he ignores you and moves straight to the woman you’re talking to – make him turn to you instead. Say “Hey man, don’t be rude. Introduce yourself!” When he does, shake his hand, clap him on the shoulder and say “Cool, nice meeting you,” then turn your back on him, positioning yourself between him and the woman you’re speaking to. By doing so, you’ve effectively wedged him out of the conversation, putting him on the outside of your circle. Now his trying to get back in looks like a social violation – someone intruding on a private conversation.

Just don’t let him do the same thing to you; if he physically gets between you and the woman you’re talking to, he’ll have squeezed you out.

Another way of keeping from being frozen out is to be sneaky and simply own the conversation. Guys who are going to try to squeeze you out will be counting on your being passive and quiet while they become the new center of attention. Much like just befriending him, you want to engage him and – critically – get him talking to you instead of her and then be the one directing the conversation. The easiest way to do that is to be willing to cut conversational threads and bring up new topics: “OK cool. Oh hey, that reminds me, have you ever been at a bar when X happened? Awesome, check this out…” Using little check-ins with the woman you’re talking to – “you’ve seen this before, right? You know what I mean?” helps keep her attention on you.

Occasionally you’ll get the more aggressive guys who will bust your balls – verbally speaking. The trick there is almost always “agree and magnify”. For example: if he implies you’re just trying to pick her up, then take that thread and run with it. You’re not just trying to pick her up, you’re looking for a fourth girlfriend, but she has to be available on Thursdays because Saturdays are date night with number 3 and so they’re right out, but you MIGHT be able to pencil her in on Sunday afternoon. Other times it’s worth it simply to just move, especially if he’s being pushy. “Hey, let’s get another drink” or “I can barely hear what you’re saying, let’s move somewhere a little quieter” and escort your new friend away. But unless you’re in a particularly raucous bar or party, few people are going to be that much of a jerk and you can squeeze them out either through controlling the conversation and body positioning.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  had a nervous breakdown some time ago. I was depressed, not interested in life or anything, except my own misery. I recovered, with therapy, exercise and a great deal of blind luck. I’m healthier, stronger, more fit than I ever was. I’m doing very well right now. I am enjoying the attentions of a few ladies. Apparently I’m charming and handsome.

Well, until now. (Prepare yourself for the cringefest).

I met this girl A. through a common interest. I found her fun and extremely intriguing. After a while I realized that I had a crush on her. A few months later, at a party we attended together, I told her that I crushed on her and she gave me her number. She told me that she had a great opinion of me from when we met so I was overjoyed.

We texted for a while. In some occasion I texted her while drunk, but she found that extreme adorable and charming for some reasons. She invited me to go on a weekend vacation together with some friends of hers but I didn’t managed. I gathered the courage and asked her out for a date. Her reaction was “interesting”. She told me that asking her out for a date was something from the ’50s, giving the whole thing an air of sacred stuff. She told me she thought that going out was more in line with her thinking.

After sometime in which we texted almost daily (She got a nasty infection that put her out of commission for a while) I asked to see her and go together to a museum (a silly idea we put up together). In this time I dated other people without any problems, even with a great deal of fun. We agreed to have dinner together, (gently offered by her) while I booked the tickets.

It went awful. Like really really bad. I was so nervous that I even have problems recalling what I did in the specific. I remember that the conversation was lacking, and I had been annoying. But she laughed at a few jokes and the dinner was nice, I think. I remember her teasing me because I wished a good-day to the bus driver when we got off and because I tipped our waiter (I had better chemistry with the waiter than with her).

She told me that she had an awful day and that I behaved very badly towards her. I cracked few jokes, but she laughed so I thought it was fine. I don’t know what I did in the detail, I can only remember the awkwardness. I apologized and asked her if there was the possibility of a second date. She told me that she is not opposed to that, but not in the near future, because of the awfulness of the first one.

The problem is not this. I think I can manage with disappointment.

She told me a few things that shook me.

When I told her that I wasn’t behaving like myself, she told me that is a very hard thing to act like a different person for an entire afternoon. She also told me that she is good with people, but that I didn’t showed anything, comparing me to a hollow mask.

People I dated in this time told me they liked me because I was passionate, intelligent and kind. I never been happier in my entire life. I even picked up new hobbies and interests, managing to find new friends and people. I can’t stop thinking about what she said. Is this new me just a likable mask that I managed to fool different people?

Thank you for your attention,

Freezing Frog

DEAR FREEZING FROG: Ever notice how much easier it is to believe negative criticism than it is to believe positive comments, FF? Ever notice how we tend to seek out negative comments with an eagerness that we often only reserve for french fries and sex but how we tend to let compliments slide off of us without a trace?

There’s a reason for that. We have a psychological trait known as “the negativity bias”; we give greater emotional weight and importance to negative emotions and feelings than we do to positive ones. In fact, it takes about 5 positive comments to match the figurative weight and impact of one negative one. Back in the early days of human development, this was a necessity for survival; that prioritization of negative feelings meant that our Spidey-sense was highly tuned to danger. The fact that we couldn’t just brush off that weird feeling that something was wrong often meant the difference between getting eaten by a saber-tooth tiger in the brush and living another day.

Unfortunately, while we don’t live in the savannah with apex predators waiting to eat us any more, our brains haven’t gotten the message. We still have that negativity bias rattling around in our headmeats and it absolutely screws with us at times for no reason.

Case in point: the aftermath of your hot date with your crush. You’ve spent a lot of time and effort on yourself and you’re doing better by every objective measure. And yet now, one bad date and you’re feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch. All that hard work and well-deserved good feelings down the drain.

But speaking as an outsider and from an outsider’s perspective? All that’s happened is that you went on a date with someone you were radically unsuited for. And frankly, from the way you’ve described her and the way you describe your date… she sounds like someone who would describe herself as “quirky” and most other people would describe as “irritating.” Like someone who’s convinced that she’s a manic-pixie dream girl. Asking someone for a date was “like something from the 50s with an air of the sacred”? Um… ok? Asking somebody she’s only met a couple of times on a weekend vacation with friends – friends that you evidently had never met before? Well that sounds like a long and awkward weekend in the offing. “I’ll go on another date with you but not for a while so I can forget how awful the first was?”

Look, she sounds like she’s off in her own little world and it’s rapidly running out of oxygen.

Regardless, the evidence you’ve given speaks less to the idea that you’re a person who was acting out of character and more to the fact that you and she had next to no chemistry on an actual date. Maybe the two of you got along like a house on fire over text… but attraction has a physical component and the fact is that you didn’t mesh on that level. You wanted things to work and the fact that you two weren’t connecting threw you into panic mode. You were scrambling to make things work and, like the plot to a hacky rom-com, it just made things worse. Now, I don’t think you should’ve tried to say you weren’t acting like yourself; that’s ultimately an excuse. Unless you accidentally switched brains with someone, that was you… just a version of you making a series of mistakes, like people often do. But by the same token, her telling you that you’re just a hollow mask? That’s just her being cruel for no apparent reason.

(Also: teasing you for being polite to a bus driver and for tipping the waitstaff? The hell?)

Look, my dude: all that’s happened is that you’ve had a bad date. Dating is often a crapshoot; there will be times when you are just going to have dates where things wouldn’t go right if you held a gun to its head. It happens to everyone. It sucks… but all there really is to do is to get up and walk it off. It sucked, it’s over, now learn from it so you don’t make the same mistakes again. Just… not with her. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman in other respects, but nothing you’ve said makes me think that she’s right for you.

Oh, and one more thing:

There’s a phrase I like: if one person calls you a horse, then you’ve met a weirdo. If you meet four people who call you a horse, then you should start getting fitted for a saddle. That is: what one person says is one person’s opinion. When several people – presumably people whose opinions you can trust – tell you something, then the odds are higher that they’re seeing something you aren’t. You have had one person – a person whose judgement I find highly questionable – tell you that you’re faking all of the improvements you’ve made. You’ve had many others tell you that you’re good looking, charming, passionate and kind. The odds that you’ve been faking all this time and have fooled everybody but this one woman are so remote that I’m pretty sure scientists haven’t invented numbers to describe it. The far, far likelier scenario is that you’ve put in a lot of hard work – work that you should justifiably be proud of – and you met one weirdo.

Hang in there, FF. You’re doing awesome.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few months ago, I met one of my sister’s friends at a track meet. She kept asking me if I was gonna come whenever her and her other friend were moving spots. After the track meet, she invited to get Taco Bell with her friend. During our time at Taco Bell, she was asking a lot of questions to get to know me and a lot of questions about the Air Force since I’m enlisting in it. Once my friends found out that I’ve been talking to her, they all started teasing me that she liked me.

The following Monday, we entered school like 10 seconds apart and she saw me ahead of her, so she ran up behind me and did the classic “tap a person on one shoulder and appear on the other,” which then led to us talking until school started. Two days later, she asked me if I wanted to walk to school with her which I said yes because I started developing feelings for her around that time. After we walked together, I started thinking that she likes me, because she was the one who asked me  – which is actually what one of my friends said later.

Prom was coming up and I was seriously thinking about asking her, but I didn’t know what she would say since she was friends with one of my sisters, so I had a friend ask her. She said my sister would get mad and left it at that, but when she found out that I was serious, she said she probably would’ve said yes. A week after we started talking, she told me that my sister was mentioning me to her more often, so I figured that couldn’t be a good thing… especially when she said she couldn’t tell me what my sister said. We talked a decent bit throughout the summer and hung out a few times. I really like her and want to make my move because I know it’ll eat me alive and probably regret not making my move because I’ll be leaving for Air Force BMT in October-Novemberish. I’m started to think that she might’ve liked me at the beginning but slowly stopped. While we did have some lengthy text conversations, I started all of them and she always ended them by her having to go to bed. I feel like if I hangout with her a few more times before I leave, it would help. She’s not friends with my sister anymore, so she wouldn’t be a problem. Recently after I told her she looked good with her new haircut because she was freaking out because she thought it was too short. A few minutes later, she sent me a video of an elephant eating another elephant’s ass then followed it up with elephants having sex.

Could those two videos mean something and be a weird way of dropping hints or is she trying to scare me away? How can I tell if she’s interested in me? And from the info that I gave you, was she interested in me at all? How exactly should I make my move as I don’t want to miss this opportunity and mess it up? Lastly, is there anything I can do that will get her to start text conversations more? I feel like I’ve been giving her signs that I’m interested in her but it’s hard for me to tell if she gave some back, especially over text. Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you!

Mixed Signals?

DEAR MIXED SIGNALS: First things first, MS: I realize I’m an Old, but I’m pretty sure that, in the words of Sigmund Freud, sometimes a wacky video of elephants boning is just a wacky video of elephants boning.

But more to the point: yes, odds are that she likes you. Things like asking you to come with her as she moves around the venue, coming up to talk to you unprompted and asking to spend time with you are all generally pretty solid signs that someone likes you, at least a little.

(Now please notice very carefully that I’ve been using the present tense.)

Of course, there’s a simple way to find out if she’s into you: use your words and ask her out on a date. Not “send someone to ask for you.” Not “ask to hang out some time.” A proper “yes, I like you as more than a platonic friend” date. It doesn’t need to be an elaborate thing. All you need to say is “Hey, $NAME, I really think you’re awesome and I’d like to take you on a date. How do you feel about $COOL_THING and $COOL_THING on $SPECIFIC_TIME?”

And then you’ll have your answer. She may say that yes, she does like you and would love to go on a date with you. She may say she does like you but can’t make it on $SPECIFIC_TIME but what about $OTHER_TIME? She may say that she likes you but doesn’t feel like she can do anything about it because you’re about to head off to boot camp.

Or she may say “no, thank you”. And while that won’t be fun… it’s still an answer. And now you can head off to the Air Force without regrets and fantasies of “but what if?”

But just remember: if you want to know for sure if someone’s into you – especially as a potential lover, rather than a friend – then the surest way to find out is to just muscle up and ask them out on a date.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)