DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So basically I met this wonderful guy over the summer. I’m a graduating senior at college and he’s in his second year of a three year grad program at the same university.

Background on me- I had 2 relationships in high school. They were long term and pretty intense. I was completely in love and I have just had experience with love and relationships. 1st two years of college I was super single, did not even have a sex drive. Junior year I started using TINDER and BUMBLE and all that good stuff and I was hooking up with a couple of guys and just exploring my sexuality. Also I’m a short Latina, as nerdy as they come.

Background on him- He has tons of childhood trauma and a complex relationship with his mom, mental health, friends, girls who hurt him, etc. Like he flat out told me he doesn’t know what love is and believes he never will know. He has a stutter so his insecurities follow him every minute. He was also a jock in high school and a frat boy in college, so he’s the tall cool athlete antithesis to me. lol.

So in summer we sort of clicked and within 2-3 weeks of talking, we started hooking up. I knew that he was different than the other guys I had hooked up with. We really met each other at an intellectual kind of level. On the surface it didn’t seem like we had much in common, but here we were, still going back to each other. He made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship or anything, so I mentally knew I wouldn’t be to him all that I might one day want.

So Fall starts, the school year starts, and we keep talking, seeing each other, going on dates, staying over his place, etc. Mid semester he brings up wanting to be exclusive, but a few days later he kinda freaks out and we agree to just keep going like we were. By the way, throughout this whole time, neither one of us was seeing other people. We talked everyday and saw each other regularly. For his birthday in late October I surprise him with a camping/cabin weekend (I rented a car and everything) and we just have an amazing time travelling with one another. After that he says he really wants to be my boyfriend and we’re both so happy to kind of admit to each other that we really like each other and want to be with another. Highs and lows happen, but the lows always bring us closer together.

In December, he came to Miami (my hometown) to visit me for New Years. He met my friends and family and even though it was all pretty scary, we kept being solid. By this point I know that I’m falling in love with him but I am just enjoying that process. While on the beach, he asks me to be his date to his brothers wedding in March, and I feel so good to start the semester with that since we both felt confident in our relationship.

Fast forward to now. The wedding was tons of fun and it was nice to formally meet all of his family from his dad’s side. We’re pretty steady and just incredibly happy. We both express gratitude and care to one another constantly and it’s such an incredibly solid and healthy relationship.

The thing is that I am absolutely freaking in love with him. I know myself. I have fine tuned my intuition. Even my best friends sees how in love I am. Half of me has this great hope that this is it, and we will keep being happy and grow together and half of me is terrified of how crushed I’ll be when I inevitably lose him.

The other thing is that he has expressed being so traumatized with the concept of love that I am certain that if I tell him, even if he feels strong feelings for me, he’ll freak out and go into a crisis, push me away mode. I don’t know how to explain how I know that, but I really do. Maybe he’ll need space for awhile and I’m fairly certain he’ll come back to me eventually after that, but I don’t know if I can handle someone reacting that way when I tell them I’m in love with them.

The other thing is that I am graduating, so in his mind he has always kept this in mind and made it kind of like a mental expiration date. I have told him many times that I want to stay here in Boston after I graduate (love you Florida but nah no thanks) and I am applying to jobs here, but I understand how he is still defensive about that, and wants to keep those walls up just in case I do leave.

So I do think that he is trying to keep his walls up to protect himself and that he is trying his best to not fall for me (he is also big on control and freaks out when he’s not in control, especially of his feelings). I totally get that and respect that. So I do think that if I were to accept a job here and start looking for apartments, etc, he would start to address those walls and maybe take them down. I think he’s absolutely worth the wait. I try to be patient for him because I know that his trauma and his mental health often just makes all this stuff harder for him to handle.

But my mental health is now at stake. I can’t listen to music without breaking down, I have to cry and sit with my emotions everyday at night before going to bed, because being in love with him and keeping that inside and having to suppress that all the time is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. It’s so overwhelming I can’t concentrate on my work. I know he would never want me to suffer silently when just telling him would bring me relief but I keep wanting to put him first and wait until he’s ready.

Should I wait until I find a job, apartment, etc here in Boston and reassure to him that I will be here and I want to keep being with him, or should I tell him now?

Stuck In Limbo

DEAR STUCK IN LIMBO: I pay a lot of attention to the language choices people make SIL. Call it a hold-over from having been an English major, but I find that word choice tends to provide insight into the writer’s state of mind.

Here’s what I’m seeing over and over again in your letter:

I think

I’m certain

Maybe

If

If

If

All of these are describing – not your relationship with him, not even his state of mind but your assumptions about his state of mind. You’ve built up a very elaborate scenario in your head that, quite honestly, doesn’t match up with the rest of what you’ve told me.

I think you may have done what so many people have done before: you honed in on a conditional statement your partner made back in the early days of your relationship and you’ve treated it like it’s set in stone. And y’know, it’s good to pay attention to somebody’s limits and boundaries – especially when they’ve established them early on – but the thing you have to remember is that things change. What may have been true at the start of a relationship – or even before you started dating – doesn’t necessarily remain true when you’re both deep into it.

One of the things I’m always telling people is that the Defining The Relationship talk isn’t carving commandments in stone tablets on the top of Mt. Sinai, it’s the start of a conversation. The rules you establish at the start of your relationship may work for you then, but relationships grow and change, just as people grow and change. What works for you then may not work for you now, but if you treat them as inviolate and inflexible, you make it impossible for your relationship to grow along with you.

And that’s kind of what you’re doing right now. You’ve taken things he said early on before you two were dating or as deep into it as you are now and treated them as if they were handed down from on high.

But let’s look at how he’s acting:

Starts by saying he doesn’t want a relationship – ends up in a relationship with you.

Asks to be exclusive

Acts exclusive even when you two haven’t explicitly agreed to it.

Goes on vacations with you

Invites you to meet his family

Invites you to be his wedding date

Constantly expresses care and gratitude for you

Call me crazy but that kinda sounds like love. Now maybe he’s afraid of the L-word1 itself, it’s hard to say. But it’s hard to say because you aren’t willing to talk about it with him. You’ve pre-rejected yourself based on things he’s said that don’t sound like they apply any more.

So what you need to do is stop talking to a loudmouth with a blog and talk with your boyfriend. It’s time for the Awkward Conversation, where you sit down with him and talk about your relationship, where it’s going and where you want it to go. And it may be easier to frame it as talking about your relationship than just saying “Bee tee dubs, I’m in love with you”, because hey, this way you’re talking about things at a step removed. Once you feel more secure about where things are going and what the future holds for the two of you, maybe then you’ll feel empowered to actually say the words instead of thinking them at him as loudly as you can.

And to be perfectly frank, it’s better to start having that conversation now instead of waiting until things are juuuuuuuust right. Because, SPOILER ALERT, they will never be just right. Until you confront the Days of Future Past vision you’ve got going on in your head, you’re always going to find reasons to put things off. It’s easier to keep kicking a scary conversation down the road than to have it, but that just makes it impossible to move past it.

So, it’s band-aid ripping time, SIL. It’s scary, it may sting at first, but it’s better done quickly and getting it over than it is to drag it out and make things more agonizing.

But honestly? I think you don’t have anything to worry about. I suspect that if you actually muscle up and have this conversation with him? His response will be “OH THANK GOD SOMEONE SAID IT.” Because I suspect he may have the same worries that you do.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My best friend is driving me crazy.

He is obsessed with women. He constantly talks about women’s bodies. Last week he even showed me his preferred type of eyebrow shape. WTF?! I have been a wing-person for him in the past, and when he sees a pretty girl, he doesn’t say anything. So when he goes on dates, he takes drugs so he can be “confident and outgoing”. Basically, I think he’s read so many dating articles on how to flirt with girls, that he can no longer be authentic.

Technically this is not my problem, but I don’t think I can continue being his friend because of his super unhealthy relationship to women. I will tell him “your hair looks nice” or “I like your outfit” and then he’ll turn around and say that women don’t find him attractive and don’t want to have sex with him. He’s gotten laid before and after a couple times, the women stop being interested. I believe this is because he treats them as objects in bed and can’t contain his excitement.

I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I confront him about the way he treats women that it will make his self esteem worse because he is sensitive to criticism. But at the same time, he keeps blaming women for his lack of sex and relationships, when it’s really his fault because of the way he treats, acts and behaves around women.

And if goes without saying, but his negative feelings about women, are just projects of his own negative feelings towards himself. What would you do in this situation? When I friend is getting in their own way and is blind to the cause?

Friend In Need

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED:  Being a friend isn’t always about support and just being there for someone. Sometimes being a friend means being the person who’s going to dopeslap someone upside their head when they’re being stupid. And while yes, it sucks that he’s sensitive to criticism and has low self-esteem, sometimes sweet words aren’t going to work to change somebody’s mind. It’s easier to brush off compliments – especially when one feels like the person giving them is biased – than it is to ignore the application of the Mallet of Loving Correction.

So here’s what I think you need to tell him: “OK, I will give you the blunt truth about what you’re doing wrong. Are you ok with this?” When he says yes, then you follow this up with “I want you to understand that I’m saying this with love and caring for you and I want you to understand I don’t think you’re a bad person but HOLY GOD YOU’RE BEING AN IDIOT. The reason you’re having these problems is because you’re being an inauthentic asshole and it’s pushing away the people who’d otherwise love to connect with you. If you’d let go of all the BS that you seem to think you need and just try being authentic and giving with someone, you might get people to stick around.”

And then you can slap a copy of my book New Game + into his hands and tell him to study it like gospel.

Honestly though, FiN, there’s not really much you can do to force someone to change their ways. I tend to side-eye the hell out of Alcoholics Anonymous for a multitude of reasons, but the one thing they get right is that people won’t change until they’re ready to. Sometimes that means they have to hit the proverbial wall. Other times it means that well-meaning friends need to smack the stupid off them instead of giving the more pleasant-if-not-as-helpful bromides that we tend to give instead, less we offend them.

If you do confront him over this, remind him that the issue isn’t that he’s a bad person or that these are things that are intrinsic to him. The problems he’s having are the choices he’s making, and he can make different choices.

But to quote the sages: even when choosing not to choose, you still have made a choice.  And he may choose that path because he’s not ready to change, yet.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Before I get to the nitty-gritty, I want to say thank you for your work. The world needs more ethical, kind advice, especially for lost, young men right now.

Now, my question:

I’m pretty sure I’m ugly. I’ve never seen a photo of me I like and avoid looking at them where possible. I try to have stuff going on in my life, but hobbies and living seems pointless without someone to share it with. 

With that in mind, what do I do? Approaches are a waste of time for a wretch and UK culture doesn’t really work that way. Dating apps aren’t working great. Everyone is either way too good for me or I’m not interested. 

I’m crushingly lonely, but also aware that as a mid-thirties, low value man (although I try to add value, as meaningless as that is without partnership) that it’s too late. Is there a way to forget about companionship since I lost the gene lottery? I keep thinking; If my fears were confirmed that this is my life now, I’d give it up in a flash. Some people die alone. How do they even make It to old age? 

Lost and Lonely

DEAR LOST AND LONELY: Ok L&L, I’m gonna do something I rarely do with letters like yours. I’m going to be bluntly honest with you. So brace yourself, it’s Chair Leg of Truth time:

You’re doing something a lot of folks do: you’re talking a lot of self-pitying bulls

t. I’ve picked your letter in particular because, frankly, it’s an example of an entire genre I get on the regular: guys who are miserable and lonely and want me to sign off on the idea that they’re uniquely screwed by the universe.

And I won’t do it. Sorry. My job is to help folks and give people solutions. So if you’re writing to me for permission to give up, that’s on you, chief. Because I’m not willing to say “yup, time to give up.”

Why? Because, quite frankly, most of the things you’re talking about are confirmation bias. You believe that you’re ugly and hopeless and, as a result, only pay attention the things that confirm what you already believe. Someone looked at you and looked away? It must be because they couldn’t stand to look at Quasimodo, not that they were looking at things entirely unrelated to you. Someone didn’t respond to your dating profile? Had to have been because of your looks, not because the two of you had conflicting interests or they were so inundated by messages that they never saw yours.

None of these have anything to do with your looks or your “value” – more on that in a second – but it’s incredibly easy to write a narrative that just confirms what you think of yourself. Regardless of any evidence to the contrary.

You’re “pretty sure” you’re ugly and you hate photos of yourself. As for the second: hey, welcome to the club. I hate 99.9% of all photos and videos of me that are out there. The ones I don’t mind tend to be taken by professional photographers, and even then I zero in on the things that I can’t stand. And y’know what? Those are things that literally only I see. To everyone else, it’s a non-issue or something so minor and nit-picky that it’s downright absurd that I get fixated on them. And yet, I do. I recognize it intellectually, but it still gets me on a gut level.

So y’know. I sympathize.

But let’s talk about the first for a second: you’re “pretty sure” you’re ugly. That’s an important distinction. 9 times out of 10, when I hear from someone who tells me they’re ugly, what they’re actually saying is “people don’t look at me the way folks look at Channing Tatum.” And when I see pictures of them? I can see why. Not because they’re ugly – they aren’t – but because they don’t put any effort in. Their hair is limp and lifeless, their grooming is entirely off and they look like they haven’t slept in a week. Their clothes are sloppy and ill-fitting, their body language screams “go away” and they look like skin care is something that happens to other people.

And here’s the thing: these are all easily fixable. These are all issues that could be taken care of in a matter of days, if not hours.

Making even absurdly minor changes can drastically affect how you look. All you have to do is watch any random episode of Queer Eye and see how a simple hair cut, beard trim and change of clothes can transform a person. But you have to want to put the effort in. The problem is that when guys declare that they’re ugly, they are giving themselves permission to not do anything. After all, what’s the point? You can’t polish a turd and putting lipstick on a pig leaves you with an annoyed pig. So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They’re ugly, so why do the things that would make them not ugly? Alternately, they don’t want to step outside of their comfort zones – they don’t alter their hair and skin care routine because that’s not something they “do”. They don’t change their hair or their clothes because it’s “not them”.

But as I always ask: how’s that working out for you?

That’s the first step, by the way: putting some care and effort into your appearance. Even if you don’t have Michael B. Jordan’s face or Chris Evans’ inverted-Dorito-chip torso, that doesn’t mean you can’t be more attractive. You want different results, you have to start doing different things You have to put the work in.

And, incidentally, I’ve seen burn victims with massive facial scarring find love. So can you.

Then there’s this: what’s the point of hobbies or interests if you have nobody to share them with? Well, to start with, you have things that you enjoy and bring you comfort and satisfaction in your life. That, in and of itself is valuable, even if you’re just doing them on your own. I love talking books with people, but even if I didn’t have anyone to talk about them with – as I didn’t for years –  I’d still be a voracious reader.

But just as importantly: you can have people to share those interests with. We call them “friends”. Yes, I realize that you’re talking about wanting a romantic partner, but that is actually part of the problem. One of the reasons why we are dealing with an epidemic of loneliness is because of how men have consistently isolated themselves emotionally. We are taught to equate emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy and that to be emotionally open and vulnerable to other men is gay and effeminate. So we end up expecting our romantic partners to be our all-in-one source for our needs. We treat our girlfriends and wives as not just sex or romantic partners but to be our best friends and the sum totality of our emotional connection. And not only is that not sustainable within a relationship, it contributes to that isolation. Most relationships end, after all, and when they’re your only emotional connection, you’re left feeling even more alone than before.

That’s the second thing that you need to focus on: you need to make more friends, closer friends… especially with other men. No, they won’t be your romantic partner. But they will add value, satisfaction, companionship and happiness to your life: things that you desperately need right now.

And then there’s the fact that “approaching doesn’t work and apps aren’t helping.” First, let’s be clear: most people don’t meet their partners at bars or clubs on a cold-approach. Nor, for that matter do most people meet their partners on dating apps, even in this day and age. Most people meet their partners either through their daily activities – such as work, hobbies or church – or through their friends.

This is no small part of why investing in your hobbies and interests and building your social circle are important. Not only do they make you happier, less lonely and more satisfied, but they help you meet other people. Don’t have any friends who can introduce you to singles they know? Cool, work on making more friends. Pursue your passions in ways that bring you in contact with other people – people who would make amazing potential new friends. These will get you out out of the house and interacting with more people. The more people you interact with, the more potential you have for making new friends – and in doing so, meeting folks who you will want to date and who will want to date you.

That’s your third step, incidentally.

And you may want to take another look at some of the women you’re meeting on dating apps that you aren’t interested in. They may not be a Kardashian or a Taylor Swift or a Beyonce, but that doesn’t mean they may not be relationships worth pursuing. Examining your own ideas of who you’re attracted to and why is important, especially if you’re basing 90% of your judgement on looks.

And then there’s this: “[I’m] aware that as a mid-thirties, low value man that it’s too late.”

F

ck right off with that. That is complete and utter horses

t and I won’t have it. That’s just a way of absolving yourself from doing the work. The fact that you’re in your mid thirties means exactly two things: jack and s

t. And Jack left town. Same with being “low value”. Value is neither universal nor permanent. It has nothing to do with your job, your looks, your possessions or your popularity? Want to be a high-value man? Cool… start providing value to others. Be a good friend to others. Help people feel appreciated and liked. Give of your time and emotional energy to people who need you. Work to make the world a better place.

While we’re at it? “I try to add value though it’s meaningless without partnership?” No, sorry I call BS on this action. Having a partner is great, but being partnered with someone doesn’t change your value or give worth to something or someone that you wouldn’t have being single. Being single isn’t a reflection of your worth or worthiness as a person; it just means that you’re single. Period.

And double-f

k “it’s too late”. Are you dead? No? THEN IT’S NOT TOO LATE. There is no such thing as too late. There’s no window of time which stands as the only point in your life where you can find love. Would it be nice if you had found someone amazing in your twenties? Sure. But you didn’t and that’s ok. That’s fine. You can start now… but only if you actually START. You’re looking for reasons to not get started. You want to way “well, I missed out and now there’s nothing.” Which, hey if that’s what you want, then go right ahead. But you also have to accept that this is a choice you’ve made, not something that the universe has forced onto you.

Will it be easy? No, it won’t. Relationships and love are never easy, even for people who seemingly have the knack for it. You’re always going to have to put in effort and work for it. There will always be trials and tribulations, no matter how socially gifted you are or aren’t. It just doesn’t seem like it to you because, frankly, the anxiety weasels in your brain are telling you that you and you alone struggle. And you don’t. Everybody does. And if you saw their lives with the same totality that you see your own, you’d realize that.

Now here’s a truth: Some people do indeed die alone without having found love or a partner. But here’s the thing: you don’t know if that’s you until the moment when you die. Are you doomed to be forever alone? Nobody knows and nobody can know, not the least of all you.

Technically, you could be. You could line up a date for this weekend and be hit by a falling satellite tomorrow. Or you could be single into your forties or fifties until you meet this amazing person at lunch and spend the rest of your life in connubial bliss. You don’t know. 

And since you don’t know, it’s better to live under the assumption that it’s possible and – importantly – work towards making that happen. Otherwise you will be forever alone because you will have chosen to be so.

This is your life, and you can choose to take control of it. It’s all up to you. The choice is yours.

And I promise you: all will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: One of the reasons I like your site so much is that your discussions help retroactively clear up some things for me that have come up in my dating life of yore. Thank you!

I’m a professor at a school that puts a lot of emphasis on teaching and on mentoring students. I love this part of my job, and as I’m new-ish to the professorhood, I’m always working at trying to be firm but encouraging, supportive but clear on when I’m past my capacity (professionally and mentally) to help, etc. I refer a bunch of students to counseling and to other mental health resources to deal with everything from probable PTSD to organizational issues, though with the latter type of issue, I can also offer a good deal of advice and support.

I’ve noticed some uncomfortable moments come up with some of my male students. As a bit of background, I’m in my mid-thirties, married but my students may not know that, and they probably think I’m younger as well. I tend to have a friendly rapport with students of all genders. Anyhow, I see a bunch of male students who just don’t seem to have their stuff together–can’t start papers before the day before they’re due, aren’t really resourceful about looking things up in the syllabus, etc. I’m perfectly willing to believe that my female students are equally bad at these things, but it’s the male students who seem to end up in my office to talk about it. Usually this is all coupled with breaking up with a girlfriend, being depressed, feeling anxious, and a host of other things. Inevitably, they ask, “What would you do?” or a more intense variant, “What have you done when you feel like everything is going wrong?” And then often, they answer their own question: “You’re so together; you’ve probably never felt like this.”

So obviously I’m not going to tell them that I, too, have been a mess at various parts in my life, or at least, I’m not going to get into specifics. I try to help them as best I can, and I always say, “this isn’t about me, it’s about you and what you’re facing.”

But something about these conversations has made me uncomfortable for months, and I realized what it is: they remind me of dates I used to go on. I’d meet a guy online (usually), and we’d have a drink or whatnot, and chat about our days, our jobs, families, whatever. And sometimes, maybe in a third of all first dates I went on, the dude would say the same type of thing–they were dealing with x y or z heavy thing but “you probably don’t know anything about it, you seem perfect.” It was always frustrating – I dealt with a lot of stuff but didn’t expect my dates to provide counseling! And then I would almost always delve into a really self-deprecating routine of how I worry so much about my work, I think I’m not good enough, etc. And then we would make out. Now I see: NOT OKAY, not good for me, not good for gender relations, but at the time, especially in my mid-late twenties, it felt like the only way to handle the situation. To be clear: I don’t get a flirty or sexual vibe from the students and would shut it down if I did but I do feel like gender and age are playing a role here, and they wouldn’t act the same with an older prof or a male prof.

So I guess my question is: is my feeling of discomfort that these student meetings are resembling bad dates warranted? And if so: where does this impulse from young guys come from? Why make the seemingly-together person sitting across from you into some idealized person-with-no-problems? And: do you have any possible responses to these guys, either the ones encountered on dates (not for me but I’m sure other women deal with it) or in the office?

Many thanks, 

New Prof

DEAR NEW PROF: I don’t think your discomfort is unwarranted, NP, but I think you may be mistaking the source. These guys aren’t trying to pull Schrödinger’s Date on you, they’re turning to you for support and help. They’re dumping their emotional problems on you and hoping that you can fix it for them. It’s not romantic or sexual, but they’re asking you to preform emotional labor for them none the less.

(Your dates are another story and hoo boy that’s a topic for another time because that is something that deserves it’s own full “what are you DOING?”)

This is happening in no small part because, as I told L&L earlier, men are socialized to keep everything bottled up and never open up to anyone… except women. Because emotional expressiveness isn’t “manly”, the only people that most men feel comfortable being vulnerable with are women. And in doing so, they tend to expect women to do the work for them.

Now obviously the answer isn’t to do their work. What is the right option is telling them that they can handle it and – if necessary – pointing them to the tools and resources that they need so that they can learn to take care of things themselves. That may mean pointing them towards the mental health services at your school, to sites like MoodGym or even a certain dating advice column.

But part of the point of colleges and universities isn’t just an education. It’s about growing and maturing and learning how to operate in the world we live in. And that means learning NerdLove’s First Rule: Thou Shalt Handle Thine S

t. It’s no shame to need to learn how to take care of yourself, even in your late teens to early 20s… but you still have to do it.

So take heart, NP: they’re showing that they trust you and value you and believe that you can help them. And you can… by helping them learn how to help themselves.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m what you may describe as a “late bloomer” to the dating world. I’m a 29 year old woman who never went out on any kind of date in middle/high school, never even kissed a guy until I was 23 (b.t.w. still a virgin, but that’s a whole other topic). I’m extremely shy and introverted, preferring to spend my nights home watching my favorite anime shows, browsing the internet, going out for walks around my neighborhood, etc. I do occasionally go out with my friends on the weekends, but that tends to be the exception, not the rule.

So my question is, about a year ago, I was set up with a guy that some friends of mine thought would really click with me. He was a total geek like me, shy (i.e. he needed a couple of shots and a can of beer before I even arrived to be able to talk to me), hadn’t been serious with anyone for about a year since breaking up with his last girlfriend. Lo and behold, we did end up clicking that night! When we made plans for dinner for the following week, I was ecstatic; I felt like, finally, I was entering the dating world! Our next date consisted of dinner and later a really loud bar. We ended up dating for about 6 months, and I thought things were great for the first few months, but… then I realized, that I wasn’t sexually attracted to him.

To be fair, I didn’t have any initial sexual feelings for him when we first met, and nothing seemed to develop for the 6 months we dated, but I thought I would give him a chance, see where it would go. I wanted to see if I could look past the things that kind of bugged me, like how  he was a chatterbox due to the fact that he was “nervous and felt like he needed to impress me”. Coo, I understand, but there’s nothing wrong with silence every now and then. About 5 months into our relationship, make-out sessions turned into what I would describe as “heavy petting”, but still no penetration. Truth be told, I’m still not entirely sure that I was ever ready for even going as far as we did, but I had a hard time saying no to him, since it technically wasn’t sex, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. However, I think that the main reason that I wasn’t attracted to him (and I feel like such a bitch admitting this) was because he was overweight.

I’ve struggled with body image issues myself (I was a loner in high school, never felt like I was good enough to go out with anyone), so I know how it feels to be the “fat, lonely loser” (his words, not mine). I recently lost about 20 pounds, and have adapted a healthier lifestyle (watching what I eat, try to get enough exercise, etc.). He, on the other hand, couldn’t cook for himself (I mean, he literally burnt microwavable foods on a regular basis), was content to eat out every night, and thought of gas station food as the main staple of his diet. Near the end of our relationship, I was afraid that our lifestyles would not mesh, and that I would end up adapting his lifestyle and returning to that person who I never wanted to be again. I was seriously depressed at my heaviest, which is part of the reason that I have that fear of regaining all that weight and then some.

With all the body-positive images that are so prevalent these days, it makes it even worse for me when my jerk-brain tells me that I’m heartless for dumping this guy just because we didn’t click sexually (which is a BIG deal-breaker, I know, but still), and that I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I know that movie/TV characters are/can be fan-service (for both female as well as male fans), and that the male definition of “perfection” is a lie fed to us by the media, and I feel that these messages are contributing to egging my brain on to drag me down into the dumps about not feeling it for this guy. Or am I really heartless who could’ve/should’ve let the relationship go on for just a little longer to see if my feelings would change? 

I’d greatly appreciate any insight as to whether I’m really heartless or not over this.

Thanks,

Just Too Picky?

DEAR JUST TOO PICKY: There’s a difference between things like body positivity and being sexually attracted to every body type, JTP. Now you’re correct: the idea of a “perfect” or “ideal” body type is literally marketed to us, in a multitude of ways. What we consider to be “attractive” is not only incredibly variable but also culturally and socially influenced; you only have to look at the way art portrayed “ideal” body types over the ages to see how much people’s visions of beauty have changed. Sometimes those changes have come because of cultural exchange – when two cultures meet and influence one another. Other times, those changes have been deliberately introduced. Western women, for example, rarely cared about shaving their armpits until Gillette decided to make it an issue in order to sell more razors.

Part of the point of the body positivity movement is to recognize that there are a wide multitude of body shapes, sizes and types out there, none inherently more or less beautiful or better than others. But that doesn’t also mean that everybody needs to be attracted to all types or else be a hypocrite. Even when we acknowledge the attractiveness of different body types, we all are going to have our personal preferences. Some men like petite women, some like them to be more voluptuous and others like women with Amazonian physiques. Some women like the Chris Hemsworth beefcake, some like their men to be thicc and some like them skinny.

Now, it’s a good idea to interrogate why you find certain body types and features attractive; sometimes those interests have more to do with cultural messaging then our actual desires; many guys who like bigger women, for example, will often repress that desire because society tells us that large women are unattractive. Therefore, liking BBWs is shameful somehow. But sometimes what you like is just what you like; there’s no harm or foul there. Everyone’s gonna have their preferences.

All that having been said: there’s more going in here than just the fact that your boyfriend was overweight. As much as the two of you had in common, you also had some incompatibilities right from the get-go. You mentioned in your letter that there were things from the beginning that you were trying to overlook. If there are aspects to his personality or his habits that annoy you when you’re still in the honeymoon period of your relationship… well, those aren’t something that’s going to get any better as things go along.

And then there’s the fact that you two had different outlooks on life that couldn’t really mesh. The fact that you want to live a more active, healthier lifestyle while he was living on a diet of junk food, for example, is a pretty big indicator of different and incompatible values. That doesn’t make your values better than his, but it does mean that the two of you just weren’t going to work out in the long run.

Look, it’s good that you feel concern about whether it was his physique that was turning you off, but let’s be honest here. You spent half a year giving this dude a chance and it just never clicked. That’s not the mark of someone who’s heartless and shallow, that’s someone who was trying to give a guy a chance and let him grow on her. It just didn’t work. Taken all together, I think it’s fairly safe to say that while you weren’t necessarily digging his body, that wasn’t the only issue you had. You two just weren’t right for one another. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You gave it a try, you learned from it, and now you’re both free to find someone who does click with you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was on the phone with my brother and his girlfriend the other day. At one point in the conversation his girlfriend told me that she posted a vacation pic of the three of us online. Part of the caption had a joking mention that, BTW I was single. I was excited when she said that 2 girls responded. I felt down when see said they were either fat or not too great looking. I know I’m being judgmental, but I want more attractive women in my life. Is it bad to have standards like that? I’m an average-to-pretty good looking guy. I could work out some more but I’m in no way obese or anything.

When I expressed my dismay at what my bro’s girlfriend said, she told me that I need to carry myself better and not care and be so worried about what girls think of me. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT STEPS TO TAKE TO CARRY MYSELF BETTER. Right now it feels impossible to not care about what women, or anyone else is thinking about me. I get what she means though. I’m not a very confident in my day to life. At least I don’t feel truly confident on the inside. I hate myself most days. I don’t know. I’m lost. I thought working out was the answer, but I know thats only skin deep. I want to be a good person.

What can I do?

Skin Deep

DEAR SKIN DEEP: First things first, SD: it’s not bad to want hot women to be interested in you, but don’t bag on women showing interest in you just because you don’t feel like they’re up to your standards. The fact that there are women you may not find attractive who think you’re the bee’s knees and the badger’s nadgers isn’t an insult or a mark against you. It’s not a though only hot women are allowed to thirst after Chadwick Boseman, y’know?

But let’s talk about attitude. Part of what holds a lot of folks back is their mental state and how they feel about themselves. Our perception shapes our reality; when you don’t believe in your own attractiveness or your own worth, then you end up making it impossible to find love. You won’t believe that other people could possibly find you worthwhile or desirable. You’ll come up with reasons to dismiss or ignore people who do want what you have to offer – she couldn’t possibly be into you, she just pities you or is trying to use you. She’s not interested in you, you must be misreading things. Why should you go talk to her; she’s only going shoot you down.

That negativity is unattractive at best, and if left unchecked, can turn toxic. The incel community is an example of that negative outlook taken to it’s extreme; it encourages hatred, not just of themselves but of everyone else too.

Now it sounds to me like you’ve got a bit more going on than just low self-confidence. If it really is a case that you hate yourself most days, then it’s entirely possible that you’re dealing with a form of depression. One of the ways that depression manifests itself is in the idea that you’re worthless and there’s no point to anything. That can turn into self-hate pretty easily.

Before you start working on building your sense of value and your internal validation, I think you should talk to a therapist. Think of it as repairing the foundation of your sense of self; talking to a mental-health professional will help you overcome that sense of self-hatred and give you the techniques that will help you recognize that you deserve to feel good about yourself and that you’re deserving of love and affection. It’s like the sage says: if you can’t love yourself, how the hell can you love anyone else?

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)