DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m what you may describe as a “late bloomer” to the dating world. I’m a 29 year old woman who never went out on any kind of date in middle/high school, never even kissed a guy until I was 23 (b.t.w. still a virgin, but that’s a whole other topic). I’m extremely shy and introverted, preferring to spend my nights home watching my favorite anime shows, browsing the internet, going out for walks around my neighborhood, etc. I do occasionally go out with my friends on the weekends, but that tends to be the exception, not the rule.

So my question is, about a year ago, I was set up with a guy that some friends of mine thought would really click with me. He was a total geek like me, shy (i.e. he needed a couple of shots and a can of beer before I even arrived to be able to talk to me), hadn’t been serious with anyone for about a year since breaking up with his last girlfriend. Lo and behold, we did end up clicking that night! When we made plans for dinner for the following week, I was ecstatic; I felt like, finally, I was entering the dating world! Our next date consisted of dinner and later a really loud bar. We ended up dating for about 6 months, and I thought things were great for the first few months, but… then I realized, that I wasn’t sexually attracted to him.

To be fair, I didn’t have any initial sexual feelings for him when we first met, and nothing seemed to develop for the 6 months we dated, but I thought I would give him a chance, see where it would go. I wanted to see if I could look past the things that kind of bugged me, like how  he was a chatterbox due to the fact that he was “nervous and felt like he needed to impress me”. Coo, I understand, but there’s nothing wrong with silence every now and then. About 5 months into our relationship, make-out sessions turned into what I would describe as “heavy petting”, but still no penetration. Truth be told, I’m still not entirely sure that I was ever ready for even going as far as we did, but I had a hard time saying no to him, since it technically wasn’t sex, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. However, I think that the main reason that I wasn’t attracted to him (and I feel like such a bitch admitting this) was because he was overweight.

I’ve struggled with body image issues myself (I was a loner in high school, never felt like I was good enough to go out with anyone), so I know how it feels to be the “fat, lonely loser” (his words, not mine). I recently lost about 20 pounds, and have adapted a healthier lifestyle (watching what I eat, try to get enough exercise, etc.). He, on the other hand, couldn’t cook for himself (I mean, he literally burnt microwavable foods on a regular basis), was content to eat out every night, and thought of gas station food as the main staple of his diet. Near the end of our relationship, I was afraid that our lifestyles would not mesh, and that I would end up adapting his lifestyle and returning to that person who I never wanted to be again. I was seriously depressed at my heaviest, which is part of the reason that I have that fear of regaining all that weight and then some.

With all the body-positive images that are so prevalent these days, it makes it even worse for me when my jerk-brain tells me that I’m heartless for dumping this guy just because we didn’t click sexually (which is a BIG deal-breaker, I know, but still), and that I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I know that movie/TV characters are/can be fan-service (for both female as well as male fans), and that the male definition of “perfection” is a lie fed to us by the media, and I feel that these messages are contributing to egging my brain on to drag me down into the dumps about not feeling it for this guy. Or am I really heartless who could’ve/should’ve let the relationship go on for just a little longer to see if my feelings would change? 

I’d greatly appreciate any insight as to whether I’m really heartless or not over this.

Thanks,

Just Too Picky?

DEAR JUST TOO PICKY: There’s a difference between things like body positivity and being sexually attracted to every body type, JTP. Now you’re correct: the idea of a “perfect” or “ideal” body type is literally marketed to us, in a multitude of ways. What we consider to be “attractive” is not only incredibly variable but also culturally and socially influenced; you only have to look at the way art portrayed “ideal” body types over the ages to see how much people’s visions of beauty have changed. Sometimes those changes have come because of cultural exchange – when two cultures meet and influence one another. Other times, those changes have been deliberately introduced. Western women, for example, rarely cared about shaving their armpits until Gillette decided to make it an issue in order to sell more razors.

Part of the point of the body positivity movement is to recognize that there are a wide multitude of body shapes, sizes and types out there, none inherently more or less beautiful or better than others. But that doesn’t also mean that everybody needs to be attracted to all types or else be a hypocrite. Even when we acknowledge the attractiveness of different body types, we all are going to have our personal preferences. Some men like petite women, some like them to be more voluptuous and others like women with Amazonian physiques. Some women like the Chris Hemsworth beefcake, some like their men to be thicc and some like them skinny.

Now, it’s a good idea to interrogate why you find certain body types and features attractive; sometimes those interests have more to do with cultural messaging then our actual desires; many guys who like bigger women, for example, will often repress that desire because society tells us that large women are unattractive. Therefore, liking BBWs is shameful somehow. But sometimes what you like is just what you like; there’s no harm or foul there. Everyone’s gonna have their preferences.

All that having been said: there’s more going in here than just the fact that your boyfriend was overweight. As much as the two of you had in common, you also had some incompatibilities right from the get-go. You mentioned in your letter that there were things from the beginning that you were trying to overlook. If there are aspects to his personality or his habits that annoy you when you’re still in the honeymoon period of your relationship… well, those aren’t something that’s going to get any better as things go along.

And then there’s the fact that you two had different outlooks on life that couldn’t really mesh. The fact that you want to live a more active, healthier lifestyle while he was living on a diet of junk food, for example, is a pretty big indicator of different and incompatible values. That doesn’t make your values better than his, but it does mean that the two of you just weren’t going to work out in the long run.

Look, it’s good that you feel concern about whether it was his physique that was turning you off, but let’s be honest here. You spent half a year giving this dude a chance and it just never clicked. That’s not the mark of someone who’s heartless and shallow, that’s someone who was trying to give a guy a chance and let him grow on her. It just didn’t work. Taken all together, I think it’s fairly safe to say that while you weren’t necessarily digging his body, that wasn’t the only issue you had. You two just weren’t right for one another. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You gave it a try, you learned from it, and now you’re both free to find someone who does click with you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was on the phone with my brother and his girlfriend the other day. At one point in the conversation his girlfriend told me that she posted a vacation pic of the three of us online. Part of the caption had a joking mention that, BTW I was single. I was excited when she said that 2 girls responded. I felt down when see said they were either fat or not too great looking. I know I’m being judgmental, but I want more attractive women in my life. Is it bad to have standards like that? I’m an average-to-pretty good looking guy. I could work out some more but I’m in no way obese or anything.

When I expressed my dismay at what my bro’s girlfriend said, she told me that I need to carry myself better and not care and be so worried about what girls think of me. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT STEPS TO TAKE TO CARRY MYSELF BETTER. Right now it feels impossible to not care about what women, or anyone else is thinking about me. I get what she means though. I’m not a very confident in my day to life. At least I don’t feel truly confident on the inside. I hate myself most days. I don’t know. I’m lost. I thought working out was the answer, but I know thats only skin deep. I want to be a good person.

What can I do?

Skin Deep

DEAR SKIN DEEP: First things first, SD: it’s not bad to want hot women to be interested in you, but don’t bag on women showing interest in you just because you don’t feel like they’re up to your standards. The fact that there are women you may not find attractive who think you’re the bee’s knees and the badger’s nadgers isn’t an insult or a mark against you. It’s not a though only hot women are allowed to thirst after Chadwick Boseman, y’know?

But let’s talk about attitude. Part of what holds a lot of folks back is their mental state and how they feel about themselves. Our perception shapes our reality; when you don’t believe in your own attractiveness or your own worth, then you end up making it impossible to find love. You won’t believe that other people could possibly find you worthwhile or desirable. You’ll come up with reasons to dismiss or ignore people who do want what you have to offer – she couldn’t possibly be into you, she just pities you or is trying to use you. She’s not interested in you, you must be misreading things. Why should you go talk to her; she’s only going shoot you down.

That negativity is unattractive at best, and if left unchecked, can turn toxic. The incel community is an example of that negative outlook taken to it’s extreme; it encourages hatred, not just of themselves but of everyone else too.

Now it sounds to me like you’ve got a bit more going on than just low self-confidence. If it really is a case that you hate yourself most days, then it’s entirely possible that you’re dealing with a form of depression. One of the ways that depression manifests itself is in the idea that you’re worthless and there’s no point to anything. That can turn into self-hate pretty easily.

Before you start working on building your sense of value and your internal validation, I think you should talk to a therapist. Think of it as repairing the foundation of your sense of self; talking to a mental-health professional will help you overcome that sense of self-hatred and give you the techniques that will help you recognize that you deserve to feel good about yourself and that you’re deserving of love and affection. It’s like the sage says: if you can’t love yourself, how the hell can you love anyone else?

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year now and things are going great. My girlfriend doesn’t have a problem with watching pornography and vice versa. The problem is that recently when I was on a chat site, I random stranger started giving me compliments and it lead to us sexting (without webcams, just text). Now I have no plans on talking to this person ever again, so it was just a one off masturbation session in front of my pc, but is this worse than watching a porn, or even a form of cheating?

One Free Hand

DEAR ONE FREE HAND: It’s definitely not the same as watching porn. Porn is a one-sided event. You watch the video, maybe interact a little if it’s a Japanese game, but ultimately it’s a solo endeavor. There’s you and a box of tissues, that’s it. Porn doesn’t care about getting you off specifically. It’s tossed out to the world for whomever gets off to it.  Striking up a sexting session with a stranger from Snapchat or what-have-you is interactive; there’s another person involved, even when it’s just text back and forth. It’s the difference between watching April O’Neil in a Naughty America video and paying for a one-on-one webcam show where she performs specifically for you.  It’s not just masturbating, it’s an assisted masturbation session. Someone else is directly contributing to your resulting orgasm.

So no, this isn’t the same as a solo session with the Brazzers site open in a tab with your mouse in one hand and your junk in the other.

Is this a form of cheating? Well that’s where you get into a questionable area. Some people – and you’ll be hearing from them in the comments – will tell you that yes, that is unequivocally cheating. Some would argue that it’s not that different from going to a strip-club and getting some high-contact lap-dances.  Some will say that because there was no actual contact involved, it’s not quite the same; at the very least, it’s a lesser offense than actually going out and getting a happy ending by somebody.

Ultimately it comes down to the arrangement you have with your girlfriend. Some people have complete monogamy – no kissing anyone but your partner, no touching of boobs, butts or genitals, no outside help getting any orgasms at all. Some are more monogamish (as always, a hat-tip to Dan Savage for the term) where there is somewhat more leeway in what is or isn’t cheating – maybe a handy is ok but not oral. Or oral’s cool but no penetration. Some are completely open – not quite anything goes, but within certain restrictions.

BUT! The key to all of these is that they are negotiated in advance. Going outside those agreed-upon rules and you’re totally cheating.

Because of the way our culture tends to view relationships, in an exclusive relationship, traditional monogamy is the assumed default unless otherwise specified.

In your case? Well, let’s put it this way: do you feel that if you were to tell your girlfriend about this, she’d be upset? If so, then yeah, she’s going to consider it cheating and your happy ass is going to be in trouble.

And to be perfectly honest, it’s not an unreasonable thing to be upset about. It’s not what I would consider a relationship-destroying event, but it’s definitely something that would put you in the doghouse until your girlfriend decided to forgive you. Now, maybe she wouldn’t consider it cheating. You don’t know until you’ve talked with her. Maybe it could be a way of firming up relationship rules and boundaries.

So ultimately, if you want a definitive answer: ask your girlfriend.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First, your site’s great. I’ve been devouring articles since my friend first linked me to “Nice Guys” a while back, which helped a bit. Some background before I get onto the playground.. I’m a sophomore in college, wrapping up my second year. I’m fairly heavily introverted, and I tend to relegate my free time to online gaming, which is more socially manageable. At least that’s what I tell myself.

About three years ago, I was introduced to a female gamer, “Player X,” by a male online acquaintance of ours, “Player Y.” Unfortunately, it was at a time when I was headed out the door as far as online activity goes. I had just finished high school and gotten a crummy full time job until college. For all intents and purposes, I dropped off of Player X’s radar for two years. During that time, she developed a close friendship with Player Y, although they don’t call it more than that.

At the start of my sophomore year, I got back into the gaming scene with the release of the sequel to the popular MMORPG that we played. I reconnected with Players X and Y, and we’ve been doing online activities together almost daily for the past nine months or so. I’ve really taken a liking to her, and I awkwardly let them both know, individually, in December. Player X didn’t confess a reciprocation or flat out reject me in the moment, and she seems to have taken it well. However, Player Y finally admitted to me that he also has feelings for her; he’s apparently been patiently waiting for her to turn to him in a romantic sense all this time. My relationship with Player Y has been strained since then.

In the past months, Player X and I have become somewhat closer at the expense of my friendship with Player Y. He’s somewhat jealous and controlling, which has led to the formation of a certain distance between the two of them. They recently “patched things up” after a lengthy ordeal that hasn’t fully resolved. I’m worried that their relationship is unhealthy, but I went out of my way to support her by letting her know that I was ok with him being around if that’s what she wants. It’s difficult because I can be passive aggressive about these things.

In June, Player X graduates from college. I don’t know how available she will be for online activities, and I’m guessing that she probably doesn’t either. She’s got her whole life ahead of her, after all. Nevertheless, I feel like I’m approaching this unfathomable cliff as time rolls on. She’s shared a decent amount of her personal life with me up to this point, but she’s held onto her anonymity this entire time. Somewhere along the lines, it got into my head that I could blink and she’d be gone. I’ve asked about contact information previously on a similar matter (I was going to be away for work for a couple of weeks), and she gave me an email address associated with her online pseudonym, keeping her identity on the quiet side. Neither of which were comforting but accepted.

Lately, I’ve been wanting to talk to Player X about slowly moving our friendship from online to offline. I want to meet her someday for lunch, drinks, a concert, dancing, etc. I don’t know where to begin to communicate any of this with her without potentially pushing her away. I’ve been working on building trust and stability between the two of us, but it hasn’t been easy with her attention divided between Player Y and me. The whole thing seems like a mess when you get down to the details, and there’s days when I feel like walking away from it all. However, spending time with her has become an integral part of my life, and it I don’t want to give it up. Any advice you have would be welcome.

Thanks for your time,

Player Z

DEAR PLAYER Z: I hate to say it, Player Z but you’re not playing the game you think you are.  You think you’re on the road to romance with the mysterious Player X. You’re working under the idea that every time Player Y comes into the chat room with the two of you, somebody’s just stepped up, slapped down his quarters and he’s competing with you for the hand of Player X.

In reality… not so much.

You and Player Y aren’t in competition here because a) women aren’t a prize to be won and b) she doesn’t want to take things offline.

Sorry.

I hate to be the one to tell you this but if X was interested in getting in contact with you out in the real world, she wouldn’t still be holding off on giving you her real name or a burner email account that’s not connected to her real-world identity. You’ve been hanging out with her and your buddy/rival Y for the last 9 months – that’s more than enough time for her to get comfortable enough with you to at least give you her first name, which she hasn’t. This should be your big clue as to where this is all going. She has made the conscious decision to keep you at a few steps removed from her real life. You’re not Facebook friends, you don’t follow each other on Twitter or Instagram. You just have the game. And that’s where she wants to leave it.

Maybe she has reasons. Maybe she’s not who she says she is. Maybe she’s had a bad experience with stalkers. Or maybe she doesn’t want to encourage your crush but doesn’t want to hurt you by outright rejecting you either.

This has nothing to do with her relationship – platonic or otherwise – with Player Y; this has everything to do with the fact that you’re a gaming buddy, maybe a Guild-y but that’s it. Even if Player Y were to suddenly disappear in a cloud of logic and sulfur, Player X just isn’t into you. If she were even slightly interested in being more than a gaming bud – even just platonic friends –  you’d know more than her handle. But you don’t. And that, ultimately, is that.

(And as an aside: Player Y isn’t exactly covering himself in glory by waiting for her feelings to turn romantic. He’s likely going to be waiting a long, long time.)

The best thing you could do is accept this and move on. There will be other women – women who want to actually get to know you in real life and actually go do date-type things out in the real world instead of Azeroth.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m finally asking you for some insight in a little problem of mine, after having delayed this quite a while, because, well, my issue isn’t directly related to dating. Because of this, I don’t know how to start, so my best guess is to simply give you as much info as I can before jumping in the heart of the matter. (And I also want to thank you for this blog, like really really thank you. I can’t describe how much your work have helped me and is still doing so.)

So, I’m a 23 years old student, and I was pretty much the stereotypical, socially very awkward, shy guy back in highschool. Some bad familial crap was messing with me since, well, forever, and my only true friend was my awesome little brother. I just wanted to get the hell out, to leave all this crap behind me and so did I when I graduated and went to college. Long story short, reality slapped me in the face, and my studies where halted for nearly two years. When I got back to college, I briefly considered suicide, spoke about it to my brother, and my mother and him basically dragged me out of this pit.

In the last three years, many things happened : I’ve stumbled upon your blog, and began to try to improve myself, to correct my views about relationships in particular and life in general, I finally returned to a theatre class, I started hitting the gym and I even had my first relationship ! It was short-lived (like, two months), I made some mistakes (I’m quite ashamed of it but one of my reason for the break-up was the lack of physical intimacy. Which I find kind of dickish, even if breaking up was the good decision) and I understood what you meant by “find someone right for you, not because you’re alone”. This was 2 years ago.

Today I’m still celibate and a virgin, but not alone anymore. I’ve a good circle of friends (awesome people), I’ve came to terms with my envy of my little brother’s achievements, and I’m not anymore obsessed with finding someone, anyone. I’m happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life

And here is the problem Doc : 99 % of my friends told me that the first time we met, before we even talked to each other, they thought I was cold and full of disdain. Many of them even told I looked constantly sad, and it became kind of a private joke. And as ridiculous as it sounds, it upsets me. I’ve always considered myself as a warm person. Introvert ? Yes ? Not so talkative when not joking ? Sure. Easily “disconnected” ? I can’t deny it. My “sad” face ? It’s my neutral expression ! Hell, I’ve been convinced for a very long time that there was something wrong with me (as a person), a “stain” in my personality that drove people away, but how can I correct my neutral expression ?

I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but I don’t want to make people feel that way in my presence, Doc. I don’t want to be the guy-who-looks-so-sad-god-if-approach-him-I’m-gonna-fall-in-depression. I don’t want to be perceived as someone who is going to shut you down and humiliate you if you approach me, because it’s the opposite. Want to make my day ? Approach me, talk to me. So here is my question Doc : what can I do ? Despite all my work, all my efforts, I’m still driving off (inadvertently) other people. Now, to be fair, I know I’m making a big deal of it, but every time I’m told this, I hear “All your efforts don’t matter, all your work doesn’t matter, you’re still a person that nobody wants to know or be with. You upset other people.”

Thanks for reading, Doc.

Stressed About Descriptions

DEAR STRESSED ABOUT DESCRIPTIONS: First of all, SAD, I want to congratulate you on all the work you’ve been doing. You’ve been in a deep pit and clawing your way out of it isn’t easy. You’ve put in a lot of effort, you’ve worked incredibly hard and you should be proud of how much you’ve accomplished. You’ve even had your first relationship! Don’t downplay that dude, that’s huge!

So here’s what’s going on right now: all that work you’ve been putting in, has been paying off and you’ve leveled up. But reaching that new level comes with new challenges – challenges that you weren’t ready for previously. But now with all that work you’ve put in, you’re stronger, more resilient and – critically – emotionally healthier than you were before. So while it can seem daunting, it’s not insurmountable.

Now to break down what is going on here: your presentation is telling a specific story about you. It’s not necessarily any one thing, so much as a combination of things. From what you’re describing, it’s a combination of behavior and presentation that’s combining to send a particular vibe to the people around who don’t know you. And in all likelihood, it’s a matter of habits and presentation rather than anything inherently “set” about you. You’re quiet, you’re solitary, you’re serious and you have what would be described as a “melancholic temperament” in gothic romance novels. Which works great if you’re out on the moors, but you’re not.

Besides, Heathcliff was an a

hat and Wuthering Heights was crap. THAT’S RIGHT. I SAID IT.

Ahem.

So what you want to do is focus on how to be more approachable and not give off that “sad boy” vibe. And to start with: consider how you’re presenting yourself outwardly. How are you dressing? Are you wearing clothes that you can hide in – hoodies, caps and sunglasses? Are you doing the Elliot Alderson and folding yourself up into your hoodie?

What about your body language? When you walk, is your spine straight and your shoulders relaxed? Or are you hunched over and folded in on yourself? Do you tend to have your arms crossed, or are you letting your chest expand? If you’re sitting, are you bent over whatever you’re doing, or do you spread out and take up more space? The more you pull in on yourself, taking up as little space as possible and hiding in your clothes, the more you give off the “Don’t talk to me” vibe.

While we’re at it, let’s talk about your expression and your head. Are you making eye-contact with people, or are you trying to avoid people’s gaze? What are you doing with your face? You say that you’ve got resting sad face, which hey, happens. I can look overly serious if I’m thinking about things and that can make people worry if I’m upset. But if you’re both avoiding looking at people and you have a sad or upset look on your face, then people are going to think that you’re upset and give you a wide berth. Even the natural caretakers and nurturers aren’t going to necessarily want to step up to someone who seems like they’re determined to be alone with their demons.

Another big issue: are you putting barriers between you and the people you’re talking to? If you have a tendency to, say, put your backpack or messenger bag on the table in front of you, between you and the rest of the world, you’ve put up a literal wall. If you’re curled up around a book, your phone or your laptop, that’s another barrier.

And for that matter: are you out in the open where people can find you, or are you back in a corner somewhere? The more you’re out of the flow of traffic, as it were, the less people are even going to seeyou, never mind necessarily want to come over.

All of these things are part of how you signal that you don’t want to talk to people or that you’d rather be alone. Don’t want that? Then you need to start focusing on how to send the right signals. You know you’re a warm person, so you need to project that warmth.

Start with your expression. You don’t need to smile all the time – some cultures actually find that off-putting – but a lot of how we signal our mood and confidence comes from how we use our face. Keeping your eyes up and your eyebrows relaxed is a start. So is being willing to make eye-contact. You don’t need to stare people down, but not avoiding people’s eyes or looking away quickly if you do make eye-contact shows that you’re confident and outwardly focused. Look around you, acknowledge that other people are there. Give people a slight smile (one that reaches your eyes) and a nod when you see them.

While you’re at it, work on that confident, open body language. As you walk or sit, imagine that there’s an invisible thread attached to the crown of your skull, pulling ever so slightly upward. Let that pull your head up and straighten your spine, while your shoulders relax and your arms swing at your sides. If you’re sitting, don’t lean forward or hunch over. Lean back, even sprawl a little.

And be more expressive and responsive. You don’t need to be a chatterbox, but at the same time, you don’t want to be a statue either. Smiling, nodding and giving encouragers like “uh-huh” all show that you’re engaged and paying attention to the people you’re with. And openly smiling, snickering, laughing, shaking your head and what-not over things all send the sign that you may be quiet, but you’re not sullen or closed off.

Just as importantly though: if you want people to approach youBut giving some signals that it’s cool to come say “hi”?, you have to give them the signal that it’s ok to do so. Most people don’t want to intrude where they’re not welcome. That’s going to up the odds that somebody will take you up on your non-verbal invitation

Oh and one more thing: it’s a bit woo-woo-mind-quackery, but start cultivating the attitude that people already like you. This will utterly change how you behave around people and put you more at ease. And your being more at ease will make other people more at ease too.

This can all sound like a lot, I know SAD. But most of it is just a matter of habit – breaking out of old patterns and building new ones. Spend time consciously adopting these behaviors, especially when you realize you’re falling back into old habits, and soon it’ll be worked into your muscle memory.

Good luck

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you are not a “real doctor” but I don’t know if this is a medical, mental, or relationship problem and would like some outside perspective. This is my problem- my sex drive has cratered and I don’t know why and I want it back.

When I was in high school, I wanted all the sex all the time but abstained for a variety of reasons. When I got to college, I wanted sex all the time and frequently got it. I met my then-boyfriend, now husband, and we had a near- matching sex drive (if anything, I wanted it more frequently than his).

But as we’ve gotten older, both of us seemed to have slowed down, but mine has gone to “practically nonexistent”. I don’t think it’s a relationship problem- my spouse is still supportive, loving, game to try things, compliments me all the time and never pressures me to have sex. He does a pretty solid amount of chores (we’re both pretty suck at it, but he always does the dishes). He’s still sexy as hell. I am still deeply in love with him. But I just don’t find myself interested- and not just in my spouse. No guy seems to get me going, and I don’t spend time fantasizing about celebrities or enjoying idle crushes. We’re polyamorous, but I haven’t slept with another person for years nor wanted to. If I see an attractive person, it is more like appreciating them artistically rather than having any sort of heart palpitations or pants feelings. Self-exploration isn’t really on the agenda either. Now, sex just seems like too much effort to get involved in- it’s too much time to get in the mood and it’s too hard to stay in the mood during the moment. I find myself thinking of all the stuff I haven’t done and need to do. I find myself stuck on stuff I’ve watched or a news article in my head.

I’m fairly certain it isn’t medical- my last gynecological examine didn’t turn up anything unusual and I’m not on any hormonal birth control (though oddly, I was in college but I didn’t notice a dip when I went off it). I’m in my 30s, I feel like this is way to early for my sex drive to go away completely. Other than the fact that Trump’s in office, there isn’t anything terribly wrong in my life. We’re doing okay, my job’s okay and I get along with my coworkers. I have hobbies, we travel from time to time, we have friends, we go to events around the city and my routine is more than just work, come home, veg, repeat. And I really miss my college sex drive.

Any thoughts on how to get it back?

-Abstinence All Over Again

DEAR ABSTINENCE ALL OVER AGAIN: There’re a few things that will crater a person’s libido, AAOA, and figuring out the culprit tends to be as much a process of elimination as anything else. My usual suggestions is to start with a trip to the doctor and checking for any potential health or biochemical issues. Hormone levels could throw off your sex drive. So can a number of medications, especially if you’re taking an SSRI.

But the next question I’d ask is… how’s the sex you were having? Was it great? Or just pretty good? Was it exciting and vibrant, or just kinda routine? Did you vary it up, or was it the same thing every time? I ask because one of the things that will kill your libido deader than the dodo and faster than Barry Allen on a coffee buzz is boredom. 

This actually happens a lot, particularly with women; the sex is humdrum and the desire to keep having it… just kind of fades away. So it’s not just that the afflicted person doesn’t want to have sex with their spouse, it’s that they don’t want to have sex at all… right up until they get start banging someone new. Suddenly the novelty of it kickstarts the ol’ libido again and suddenly it’s like being 16 all over and having the house to yourself and the pay-per-view’s unscrambled.

So I would suggest changing things up in the bedroom… and since you’re poly, that might mean changing up the PERSON. Going out and pursuing a date or two, even if it’s not necessarily what you want most in the world, may fire things up again. Many women’s arousal patterns are often reciprocal and responsive – being desired arouses your own desire.

If you don’t necessarily want to explore a new partner, than explore new forms of intimacy with your hubby. Make a point of exploring a fantasy that one (or both of you) hold. Try something different – maybe a light kink, maybe something as simple as a quickie during your lunch break. Breaking out of your routine and introducing novelty back into your sex life can bring that passion roaring back.

While you’re at it? Schedule a date night or two. One of the reasons why the passion fades in long-term relationships is that everybody settles in when they settle down. They stop trying quite as hard. But treating a date with your spouse as though it’s your first date and you want to make a great first impression? That can rekindle all kinds of old feelings.

And one last thing: do stuff with your husband that gets your heart pounding and stimulates the central nervous system. Humans are bad at understanding why we feel the way we do; we feel the physical sensations and assign meaning to them after the fact. So when you’re heart is pounding and you’re slightly out of breath and you’re excited because you just got off that roller coaster or because you’ve been out dancing?

Well… that excitement transfers to other areas too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)