DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I keep encountering this same issue with girls that I take on dates or girls who have expressed a certain degree of interest in me. The issue is they run off with other men in front of me.

Examples:

I took a girl swing dancing a few weeks ago as a first date. We had a really fun first hour or two dancing, then this guy (who was a much more experienced dancer than me, swing has a steep learning curve) danced with her 4ish times in the span of 20 minutes, walking up to us when we were talking and whisking her away into a world of dips and spins. When I came back from a cigarette he was taking her into the side room (which is where I take girls when I want a more intimate environment). I told her that I wasn’t ok with what was going on and she insisted that it was alright because we weren’t in a relationship. She stopped dancing with him and spent the rest of the night with me, but she was cold and standoffish and the date ended not long after.

Last night I went out dancing at an EDM show and spent most of the night grinding up on a friend of a friend who was in town for the night. She pulled me away from dancing with other girls to dance with her and started being more physical with me after I told her she was attractive. I went for a kiss and she didn’t pull away but didn’t kiss back. There was a linebacker looking guy who occasionally stood on the periphery. After the show they started talking and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I took her to leave and at the exit linebacker found us. He made a joke about if he was allowed to shake her hand then the two of them started making out. I had no idea what to do and what I tried failed so I just went home.

Another girl a few months ago I met a campout expressed interest in a relationship and told me she lived in my home town. There was a time when I told her to pick between me and another dude and she picked me. Two days later into the campout she told me she’d want to spend the evening with me, within 10 minutes she had run off with another dude and told me she was actually traveling out east with him and didn’t live in my town. When the other guy came up he had a way of putting his arm around her and drawing her into a circle of people that made it difficult for me to talk to her.

I realize these girls aren’t right for me. I do have some insecurity about girls who are attracted to me choosing another man, that’s how my only relationship ended. I used to not be jealous, thinking if I let girls do what they wanted they would come back to me eventually. Now I am jealous and I believe too domineering when threatened, this solution doesn’t seem to be effective. I know the trick is just to be confident what what specifically can I do in these types of situations? I do have a lot of faith in myself and am not upset up about any of these rejections, I’d just like to stop them in the future.

– Bravest Warrior

DEAR BRAVEST WARRIOR:You have a problem BW, but it’s not the problem you think you have.

You think you have a problem with women ditching you. What you have is a problem with insecurity and reading certain social situations correctly.

Let’s start with the most obvious example: the etiquette of dancing, since they seem to be tripping you up fairly often.

Social dancing (swing, salsa, merengue, ballroom, etc) and club dancing both have their own rules and if you’re not familiar with them, it can result in some confusion. The dance floor at the club especially can trip people up who aren’t used to club culture.

In your first instance, you took your date swing-dancing. That’s cool – swing dancing can make for an awesome first date! But here’s the thing about swing dancing: it’s generally understood that when you’re at a swing event, you’re going to dance with many people. In many swing dancing communities, the general rule is one dance at a time; in some groups, it’s two consecutive songs. In general, you’re not to dance with the same person the whole night through. You’re expected to go up to strangers, dance with them, talk while you’re dancing and generally have a good time. You’re going to be interacting with people with a wide range of skill and experience, which means that occasionally you and your date are both going to be dancing with people who are way better than you. Trust me: this is a feature, not a bug. This is part of the fun of going swing dancing.

Now on the other hand, we have clubs, DJs and EDM. At clubs and DJ shows the generally accepted rules is that the dance floor is an entirely different world from the rest of the club. People will grind with folks, get freaky and generally come across as though they’re two seconds away from just straight bangin’ right then and there… but that doesn’t mean that they actually want to screw you. This is especially true if it’s not someone you’ve already had a lot of chemistry and flirting with earlier. People will practically dry-hump you on the dance floor but not want to so much as hold your hand off of it. This is just part of the club atmosphere. If you want to hook up with someone at the club, you don’t treat their behavior on the dance floor as an indicator of interest; you look to see how they respond to you when you’re at a table or flirting in a corner or by the bar. When you went for the kiss and she didn’t kiss you back you were being given the message: she’s not into you. She didn’t dislike you, but someone who’s interested in going home with you isn’t going to just passively stand there while you try to plant one on her. She may have appreciated your being into her. She may have liked dancing with you. But at the end of the night… well, you just weren’t her type.

(I’m also willing to bet that she already knew the linebacker. But that’s another issue entirely.)

In your third example… oy. This part is so unclear that it’s almost impossible to tell just what the hell happened. Near as I can tell… you were flirting with someone, she was flirting back but she was kind of hanging out with another dude? And you told her “Yo babe, it’s him or me”, and she kinda said you but then told you that she was actually traveling with him so… yeah? So we’re going to disregard a lot of this.

Now let’s break down what else is going on here.

In your first example, this guy is dancing with your date then he was walking off with her into a side room. Now, you don’t mention whether anything did happen or that you were assuming something was going to but either way… this is bad behavior on her part. You (general you) don’t ditch your date to hang around other people, whether there’s going to be sloppy make-outs with said others in the near future or not.

HOWEVER.

The idea that she was about to slip off to tongue-wrestle with a guy while she’s on a date with someone else is so cartoonishly over the top that I’m wondering whether there’s some serious failure to communicate involved in this. I’m willing to bet that either you misunderstood what was going on between them or she didn’t see this as a date date.

Is it possible she was a big enough asshole to ditch her date to go share mouth-bees with a rando? Well, it’s not impossible – I… may have stolen a guy’s date before… – but it’s vanishingly unlikely. And if this IS the case… well, she’s an asshole and you’re well rid of her. However, if I’m right and there’s some miscommunication going on? Then you need to be much more clear about the fact that you’re taking her out on a romantic date, not a platonic friend hang-out in order to avoid possible confusion.

If there’s one ongoing thread in these situations it’s that you get threatened when women you’re interested in talk to other dudes and you’ve been unable to shut them down when they seem to be squeezing in on your territory. And I suspect this comes down to the fact that you once got dumped for another guy. That sucks. That sucks a lot and it can totally shred your ego. But I think you’ve let this go to your head; you sound like you get incredibly defensive when other people talk to women you believe are “yours” on some level. Let me tell you: this isn’t attractive in anyone. I don’t care if you’re Quasimodo or Ryan Gosling – if you’re going to start to bristle like Big Moose whenever some dude talks to Midge, you’re going to lose a lot of value and respect with everyone around you. You end up coming off like you’re having a temper tantrum, which is going to turn anyone off… doubly so if you’ve only just met them.

So. What do you do about all of this?

Well, in the short term: you calm the hell down. You learn to assess the situation more accurately – especially with an eye towards understanding the social contract. Don’t assume that a dance is more than just a dance – especially at a nightclub. Be much more clear about your intentions with people you want to date. Don’t get so overly invested in someone you just met that you let it destroy you if they don’t go home with you at the end of the night. Don’t throw a fit because someone you like doesn’t like you back. If she’s decided she wants to make out with someone else there really isn’t much else to do besides wash your hands of her and move on.

In the medium term: the way you avoid having women ditch you for other guys is that you learn how to connect with the women you meet. The worst thing you can do is to try to constantly chase off other guys – this inevitably comes across as though you believe the only way she’d choose you is because you’ve removed her all her other options. A woman who’s into you, who you have chemistry with, who’s digging what you’ve got to offer? She’s not going to leave because Studly GoodNight wandered up and told her to ditch the zero and get with the hero. Avoid the women who are like that because they aren’t the women you want in the first place.

In the long term: you need to work on these self-esteem issues, man. It sucks that your last relationship ended with your girlfriend leaving you for another guy, but there comes a point where you have to be willing to let go and move on. If it’s still hurting you – and it sounds like it is – then the best thing you can do is talk to a therapist or counselor. And in the meantime: start cultivating an abundance mentality. You seem to be treating every woman as your last chance to get into a relationship, and that’s only going to hurt you in the long run.

You can do better than this. You can BE better than this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t date much … at all … but read your page regularly as it’s helped give me some perspective on many of my dating frustrations. About a year ago when I met this very attractive and very interesting woman through work, but didn’t think too much of it. For the record, we don’t work at the same company, but our respective jobs require us to be in contact regularly.

Around Christmas time, I was trying to put together an unofficial Holiday get-together and invited her, along with some other people we do work with. She couldn’t make it, but did mention she’d like to get together for drinks sometime. Not “get together with all of you” … “get together with you”.

This sort of jogged my memory about all the other times she seemed to get a little flirty that I didn’t pay too much attention and came to the conclusion that she might be into me a little. Because I have always been kind of bad at judging interest I ran the scenario past a female friend, who agreed I wasn’t being crazy. So I asked this woman out and she said yes.

What happened next was a complete clusterf—k of scheduling. The only time I had available she was busy and vice versa. We finally settled on a lunch meeting which had to be canceled for weather reasons.

Last week she indicated she had some time available this week, I e-mailed her some times that worked for me. 9 days later she writes back to apologize for not writing sooner, but her boyfriend was in town, and now she’s heading out of town for a work thing.

I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll say this … maybe the boyfriend is real, maybe he isn’t. Maybe she understood I was asking her out on a date, maybe she didn’t. Maybe she was into me when I was oblivious and not so much when I was interested. I accept all of this. I completely accept that she has a right to change her mind and act accordingly. I still have contact with her through work, and am eager to maintain a courteous relationship as the work she does with us is great and I don’t want to jeopardize that.

But here’s the thing. She still wants to “get together” for a lunch thing or something like that, and I have no interest whatsoever it that anymore. The scheduling rigmarole, the boyfriend that seemed to come out of nowhere, I’m done.

So the problem is I don’t know how to tell her “no” without looking or feeling like a pouty, spoiled brat. Right now my plan is to simply tell her “Sorry, way too busy” if and when she brings it up. But that kind of feels like the coward’s way out.

I am very open to better ideas on how to get out and stay out of this, should you have one.

Signed,

Enough’s Enough

DEAR ENOUGH’S ENOUGH: Honestly, EE, unless she’s proposing getting together for a specific event at a specific time and place, there’s no real reason to go out of your way to say “no”.

A generic “let’s get together sometime” isn’t an invitation that needs an immediate RSVP – it’s more of a polite space-filler. It is, for all intents and purposes an affirmation of “yes, I think you’re a decent enough person that I feel the need to make this general invitation that I don’t really expect to follow through on.”

The odds that this is going to come up again if you don’t specifically go out of your way to mention it is fairly low.

I will say that I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to the confusion of whether she was interested in you or hiding the existence of a boyfriend or what-not. I suspect there may have been some misunderstandings along the way – people do meet up with folks for drinks or lunch just to hang out and talk after all.

The fact that you both were trying to find times to make your schedules line up and not giving the standard flake line of “well, maybe some time soon” is an indication that she was genuinely trying to find time to meet up rather than mouthing polite fictions because society teaches women to not say “no” directly.

Considering how much effort you were putting into trying to make this Schrödinger’s Date happen, she may have brought up her boyfriend just as a way of saying “I’m not sure if you’re reading this as a date and I don’t want to call attention to it in case I’m misreading things, but just in case…”

By the time you hit the point of it taking more than a week for her to get back to you… well, it ain’t great, but I tend to believe in Hanlon’s Razor: never attribute to malice what might otherwise be equally explained by incompetence. In other words: maybe at that point she was giving you the brush-off or maybe it was literally an out-of-sight, out of mind event, where other things got her attention and she remembered later on that she owed you a response.

(I say this as someone who needs constant reminders to reply to emails and scheduling concerns; if I don’t set up about a dozen notifications, lots of crap gets lost in the shuffle and I end up forgetting about them until it’s too late.)

TL;DR version: I think there was enough back and forth that there was genuine interest in a platonic meet-up and the stars just never aligned to make it happen. As it is: I think you can just let things slide without needing to say anything. Worst case scenario – you’ve both established you don’t have the time; “sorry, I’m insanely busy” is a polite enough way of turning her down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:Throughout my non-existent dating life I have noticed something: the women I’m attracted to are not attracted to me and vice versa.

Now my friends say that I should stop setting my standards so high and go out with one of the girls who like me and that I could learn to like them. I feel as though this is disingenuous to the girl and also that if I can learn to like someone then someone else can learn to like me. It also seems to me that most dating advice is about being to get anyone and not someone.

What I mean is that I feel as though the message is “if you find ways to improve your life and make yourself more attractive you will eventually find someone who is willing to date you but it may not be the person you want.”

I guess in the end my question is, if who or what you want is unattainable then why bother trying? Perhaps that is a very pessimistic view and I am a pessimist but I just don’t see the point in settling for something I don’t even really want.

Don’t Want To Settle

DEAR DON’T WANT TO SETTLE: The first rule of dating, DWS, is that you have the right to set your standards wherever you want to. If you decide that the only women you’re interested in are 6-foot tall opera singers who resemble Lupita Nyong’o but with Mass Effect tattoos, well, hey, you do you.

But you have to go into that understanding that just because you want something doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to get it. One of the things that drives me crazy in pop-culture is the way that we’re taught that expecting near-perfection means that the universe is obligated to provide you with someone who meets that level and that “settling” is some sort of moral failing.

Similarly, we tend to believe that only the very best, the créme-de-la-créme could make us happy… which frankly, is a very good way to make yourself miserable.

If you’ve set your standards to the point that only people in the top 1% of their class – whether that is in terms of physical beauty or accomplishments or money or talent or what-have you – then you’re explicitly acknowledging that you’re trying to play on the hardest difficulty setting.

It’s like deciding that if you’re going to do track and field, you’ll only be satisfied if you can do so at an Olympic level… that’s great if you want to do this, but you have to be willing to acknowledge that you’re trying to be the best of the best of the best – something that’s achievable by less than a percentage of those who attempt it. If that’s going to be your definition of success, then you have to be willing to acknowledge that you might not get there. I’m all in favor of “chasing your dreams”, but there comes a point where you have to recognize that you’re not going to get there.

To paraphrase Chuck Wendig: not everyone can be an Olympian, but that doesn’t make running a marathon any less of an achievement. You may not be dating the hottest woman alive, but that doesn’t mean that the woman you are dating is any less special or incredible.

Here’s the thing about standards: they’re great to have, but they mean that you need to be able to give equal value in exchange. This doesn’t mean looks or money or status, but it does mean that you have to have something that is equally important to what the people who meet your standards, otherwise you start getting into the realm of entitlement. If the only people you want to date are supermodels, to choose a random example, that’s your choice… but not only are supermodels rare on the ground, but they are going to have their own standards. You’re going to have to bring a lot to the table to make that happen.

(I’m not suggesting that you’re only interested in dating supermodels, DWS; it’s hyperbole to make a point.)

The other thing you have to realize is that nobody – no celebrity, no model, no international playboy – gets 100% of what they want in a relationship. You get 60, 70, 80% of what you want and decide that you’re willing to forgo the rest because, hey, what you do get is just that awesome and makes up for what isn’t there. I’m reminded of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 – a list of all the ways his mistress doesn’t measure up to fabled beauties but his love for her makes her far more precious to him than any goddess could ever be.

Do I think you should go out with someone just because they like you and see if you can learn to like them? Well that all depends: are there things about them that you do like? Are there indications that they may have qualities that would make you happy? Are you willing to give them a chance to show you what they have to offer – just as women are constantly pressured to give guys a chance to make their case?

Regardless: I do think you should examine your standards. I think everyone should. But you need to do so with the understanding that having standards doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find someone who meets them, or that you’ll meet the standards of the people who meet yours.

And then you have to decide which is more important: maintaining those incredibly high standards and being alone, or relaxing them and finding somebody who’s amazing but not “perfect”.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: After 13 years of marriage, I find myself divorced and single again at 40. After making sure I was okay with myself after a year I started opening up to the idea of dating again. I joined some dating sites and started going out again.

When I was out at the Apple store getting my iPhone fixed, I was sitting up at the counter next to this young, attractive redhead. She seemed a little young for me so I didn’t strike up a conversation, although I did make eye contact and smile. To my surprise she started a conversation with me. After about 10 minutes of enjoyable small talk she got her phone back and she left, but not before saying good bye to me. There was definitely interest there, but I kept myself from closing the deal because I thought the age gap might be too big; my guess is that she was 25 at most.

My brother in law was with me, and he confirmed that she was indeed flirting with me. I told him that I didn’t ask for her number or invite her to coffee because of our age difference. But is the age difference that important? I read everywhere that age is just a number, but is there a threshold? Ironically, later that night the subject of Patrick Stewart came up and my sister mentioned that he is married to someone 40 years his junior. My counter-argument of course was that he’s freaking Captain Picard and he can marry anyone he wants to.

So tell me doctor, should I just go after any opening I’m given, torpedoes be damned? This young lady was intelligent, well spoken and seemed mature. I’m sure I would have been attracted even if we were the same age. Is age really just a number?

– Arizona Four-Oh

DEAR ARIZONA FOUR-OH: As a wise man once said: it ain’t the years, it’s the mileage.

Age gaps tend to tricky in that it is both important AND unimportant and it carries some significant baggage. One of the unpleasant truths is that our society fetishizes the young, especially young women. We’re all taught that a woman’s sexual capital (ugh) is at it’s highest when she’s young and older women are seen as less desirable. When you look at online dating, you’ll notice a lot of older men who’re unwilling to consider a woman around the same age they are, opting instead to pursue someone considerably younger… and society tends to approve of this. While there is the fear of the stigma of being “the old dude in the club” or “dirty old man”, there are far more examples of May-December romances with an older male partner than a female one.

I bring this up because this is part of the dynamic that affects dating as an older man and it’s worth keeping that in mind.

Now, with all of that having been said…

If we assume everybody is ethical and on the up and up – both parties are on the same page, the older partner is careful about any potential difference in power in the relationship, etc. – then the biggest issue when there’s a significant age gap is simply the ability to relate. Someone who’s in their early to mid-20s tends to be in a very different place than someone who’s in their 40s; the younger person is frequently just starting out while the older is more established. There will be a number of differences in terms of cultural touchstones and lived experiences that can make it hard to relate. At the same time however, emotional maturity makes a difference as well – I’ve known a lot of incredibly mature and centered 20-somethings and 50 year olds who acted like they were still 19 year old frat boys. It all depends on the individuals involved and where they are in their lives.

In your specific situation, this woman initiated a conversation with you. If she was indeed flirting – and I’m willing to believe she was – then there’s nothing wrong with simply saying “hey, I had a great time talking to you and I’d love to continue this later,” and either asking her to coffee or to connect over Facebook or what-have-you.

(Ask if you can add her on Facebook instead of just tracking her down, by the way. The former is polite and considerate, the latter is creepy)

You seem like a down-to-earth, cool and considerate guy, AFO. I’d advise being careful not to ignore the amazing women who’re closer to your age, but if someone younger than you is expressing interest, then there’s really no harm in at least going on a date or two and seeing if you’re compatible. It’s all going to depend on the individual in question.

And just for the record: the key to telling whether she’s just friendly or flirting is to look for clusters of signs of interest – several signs of interest occurring in close proximity if not simultaneously.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I dated a guy for two and half years (I’m 24, he’s 23). It took me a long time to realize that he was a very emotionally immature person and as a result, selfish and unable to prioritize me. He was always pushing my physical boundaries and could never respect that I hate PDA. He never had any drive. I got a new job and moved away and the relationship went south from there (it had been on the rocks for awhile). However, there were many aspects that were positive: he knew some dark secrets of mine and didn’t judge, we were really comfortable around each other, I felt I could tell him anything, and some of our life goals aligned like kids and traveling.

Most of the things I was dissatisfied with or that were detrimental to the relationship I think stemmed from his emotional immaturity. He’d never follow through on what he’d say he would do (like going back to school). He never seemed able to stand up for himself or actually lay out what he was feeling honestly. The relationship began to feel very one-sided: I would make sacrifices but he’s never follow through. He’s never do something unpleasant in the short-term in order for a better long-term future. It was always words and no actions.

My question is this: am I wasting my time thinking that he can gain emotional maturity and that if he does, the relationship is worth trying again? Or should I accept that he never prioritized me and so he’s never going to?

(We’re not together now and he seems to have gotten that he needs to get his s

t together but I won’t buy it unless I see real progress, but I don’t want to keep him in my life however tiny an amount and keep waiting and hoping if it’s just not going to happen.)

I am so confused and conflicted because there were so many things that made is seem like the right guy and the right relationship. I’m terrified of trying again and it STILL not working out and putting myself through all that again. I’m really worried what my family would think if I were to try again only to have it fail again. How do I know if he’s going to suck forever, or if he has a chance to be better? How do I get over this conflict and move on if it’s not worth it? At first I felt used and thrown away by him but then we talked and he says he still wants me and never meant to throw me away. He wants to fix it. Since we talked now I just am so confused and conflicted. I don’t know what to do. Should I try again or find a way to move past this and hold out for someone better?

Thank you,

Second Verse, Same As The First

DEAR SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST: There’re a few questions you should answer to before you try getting back with your ex, SVSAF.  And the first question is why you want to get back together with your ex in the first place?

I’m not being snarky or asking a rhetorical question, SVSAF. It’s one thing if you’ve had a significant time apart – time to grow and change as a person and to gain some much-needed perspective on life and your relationship – and you’re ready to give him a second chance. It’s another entirely if what you’re really looking for is the comfort of the familiar. Part of what make our exes so alluring (at least, assuming you parted on semi-decent terms) is that they’re a known quantity. When you date someone for long enough, your life’s rhythms get intertwined with theirs. This is part of why break-ups suck: you’re trying to re-establish your personal equilibrium and it can be challenging.

It also doesn’t hurt that we all have emotional filters that affect our memories. It’s very easy to let the warm glow of nostalgia gloss over the rough patches of a relationship or make them seem smaller and less important than they were while you were actually together.

The next is to ask how much the circumstances of both of your lives have changed. How aware is he of his past behavior? Does he realize that he was treating you badly (and hoo boy, pushing your boundaries is really bad behavior)? Has he shown any evidence that he’s not as selfish and self-involved? It’s all well and good to say he didn’t mean to throw you away, but words are nothing but hot air and empty promises without actual deeds behind them. Promises to fix things mean sweet f

k-all if he hasn’t actually taken concrete steps already. If he’s not already working to improve his life without the intention of winning you back, then the odds are that no, he hasn’t grown and matured and going back would be just an invitation to Break Up 2 – Electric Boogaloo.

Are you willing to put up with his behavior again if he hasn’t changed?  One thing I see very often in messed up relationships is that somebody will promise to fix things and be on their best behavior for weeks or months… and then slowly start to slip back into their old patterns. Before you know it, you’re the metaphorical frog in the boiling pot. Do you have the wherewithal to call him on his BS – and make it stick – if he does?

But I’m gonna be honest here: I’m thinking the answer to all of this is “no”. It feels like you haven’t had enough distance and perspective on things and the wounds are still fresh and raw. This is one of the reasons why I always advocate the nuclear option of (at least temporarily) cutting contact when it comes to break-ups – it’s impossible to heal when you (or your ex) keeps picking at the wounds. I think this conflict you’re feeling is the lure of nostalgia versus what your gut is telling you: that this is a bad idea and nothing has actually changed.

I suggest listening to your gut.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)