DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am currently in the process of ending a 4-year relationship that has been a marriage for the past year. I am confident in my decision to end the marriage; we have been drifting apart, the sex is rare and uninteresting, we have fundamentally different interests and values, we have different attitudes towards our careers, and I feel she’s holding me back in terms of my attempts to eat healthier, exercise more and improve myself (I ask her to help me eat better, she buys two tubs of ice cream; etc.). 

Perhaps most importantly, where I used to care for her in the past I only feel cold emptiness and an urgent desire to get away. I don’t love her anymore, she’s been feeling unfulfilled and alone, and we should both be looking for people we work better with.

That said, in my country, there are legal issues with divorce – namely, I need to wait 12 months after our separation before the divorce can be finalized and I can be officially not-married again (there are no kids, cars, houses, etc – we are both still mostly-jobless students). That seems like a long time. Once she has moved out and I am a de facto bachelor again, I am worried about how to interact with women I may be interest in in the next 12 months. What is the proper etiquette? A one-night-stand doesn’t need to know, I assume, but what about dates I meet online? What about women I meet more than once? When should I tell someone I’m into that I’m still legally married and waiting for the divorce to be granted next year? 

Or should I just sit down and prepare myself for 12 months of celibacy? Is that the right thing to do? I’m really confused and unsure of what I should be doing with my life.

Thanks for your time, and any advice you can give me.

Sincerely,

Recently Separated

DEAR RECENTLY SEPARATED: From the sounds of things, it’s good that you’re getting out of this relationship. While I’m a believer in trying to fix a relationship rather than just cutting the thread, many times there’s just nothing there to fix and even less interest on both sides to make the attempt (or re-attempt). Far better to call it quits and break things off before whatever warm feelings you may still have for one another curdle into bitterness and hate, especially when there is relatively little to make the process more complicated. So here’s to hoping that this can be as painless and amicable a process as it can be under the circumstances.

Now, when it comes to handling dating during a separation, there are a couple issues that you will want to consider.

First and most importantly is whether or not dating someone while legally separated may cause issues with your divorce. In the U.S., individual states tend to have laws that can turn dating during divorce proceedings into a minefield, especially if you’re in one of the states that doesn’t offer a no-fault divorce. If one of you is filing for alienation of affection, for example, your love life may suddenly get dragged into the court case. It can also anger your spouse and turn what used to be an amicable proceeding into a long and expensive ordeal as he or she intentionally causes problems, drags their feet or refuses to settle as a way of getting revenge. I’ve seen this more happen more than a few times amongst my friends, unfortunately; even a simple divorce that didn’t involve children or division of property suddenly turned into a massive quagmire when one spouse suddenly decided that they’d been wronged.

However, I have to make the obvious disclaimer: not only is Dr. NerdLove not a doctor, he is also most certainly not a lawyer (especially when it comes to international divorce law). It might not be a bad idea to make sure that you have a long talk with your lawyer to make sure that you wouldn’t be stepping on any potential land mines if and when you start dating during the mandatory year.

Now that we’ve gotten the potential (and unlikely) nightmare scenarios out of the way, let’s talk about how to handle dating while you’re waiting on your divorce to be finalized.

You don’t necessarily want to include “Bee tee dubs, still technically married” in your online dating profile or drop on somebody on your first date, but it should be something you bring up sooner rather than later. If you’re going to be seeing this person more than once or if you’re not just getting together for some hot sex before going your separate ways, then it’s information they’re definitely going to want, especially if there’s the potential of a serious or committed relationship in the future.

The way you roll it out is important, though. You don’t want to make it sound like it’s something shameful that you would hide otherwise; that’s just going to make your dates wonder what other secrets you’re hiding. Just present it like it’s no big deal: she’s moved out, you’ve gone through the proceedings and all that’s left is to wait out the mandatory X months remaining before it’s finalized. It’s important that you bring it up in the context of “getting divorced”, not “we’re separated”; separated implies that it’s a temporary situation and there’s still a chance that the two of you may get back together.  In addition, many guys have used “we’re separated” as a way of covering up that they’re cheating on their spouses; a common example is when it turned out that the wife was out of town for work rather than, y’know, moved out. Getting divorced means that papers have been filed and there is a firm deadline when the legal side of the relationship is over. It says that you’ve actively ended the relationship, rather than dragging your heels because reasons.

The other issue is when you’re discussing what happened to keep it simple: there was nothing salacious or dramatic, you just grew apart. That’s all your date really needs to know; dating isn’t a deposition and unless your ex is likely to be prominently involved in your life, the details are ultimately unimportant. Don’t bash your ex either; even if she’s most horrible person north, west, south and east of the Pecos, all that complaining about her will do is make you sound as though you’re not over her. It’s hard to go wrong by being classy about an otherwise ugly situation.

My only other advice is not to leap too deep into the dating pool. While everyone gets over a divorce at different speeds – some people are well and truly over it long before they even file the papers – you are going through a break-up and it can take some time before you’re actually ready to date rather than rebounding. By all means, go on dates, go hook-up. But I would advise you not to get into a serious relationship until you’ve had time to process everything following the divorce. You’ll know better than I would when that will be, so just pay attention to how you’re actually feeling rather than how you think you should feel.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your opinion. The thing is I led quite a sheltered life for a long time. I knew theoretically that people my age were supposed to go on dates, build relationships and have sex. And that it was supposed to be fun. I also knew that there were some rules about first date being this romantic thing while after the third date people might get to the sex part. At the time it seemed logical as why would anyone want to have sex with complete stranger? So when I was asked out by an interesting guy from my college (he was the same age as me) to go to a museum on Sunday morning it never occurred to me that plans for the day might involve something else. During the date the guy annoyed me a lot (he was late, he couldn’t keep an interesting conversation and was very condescending to my opinions) and when I finally came up with a good reason to end the boring day (after the museum we walked aimlessly through the city for a while barely talking) he suddenly got very touchy-feely and invited me to his place.

That made me very uncomfortable as I did no longer find the guy attractive and, as I knew nothing about “it’s ok to want sex” then and was a virgin I was greatly insulted by insinuation that I would sleep with the guy I barely knew. So I made my escape (though politely). 

The next day I got a text from him with some verses along the lines that it’s spring and so high time to “give it” to him. I was infuriated and the next time I saw him I said that I disliked him and so we should stop seeing each other. As I felt violated I tried avoiding him ever since. I feel deep hostility towards him even now.

Saying all that, now I am somewhat less ignorant about sex and relationships and I’m starting to question my previous behaviour. I mean at the time it seemed that the guy thought I was easy, that he was “tolerating” me to get laid and so on. I felt accosted but then again after I told him in no uncertain tone that I disliked him he left me alone without troubles. And though I’m pretty sure I gave him plenty non-verbal hints that his advances were not welcomed during the date I can’t say that I made it clear. So now I am wondering whether I judged the guy unnecessary harshly. 

What I’m interested in is whether there is some dating etiquette or not. Whether I should have been insulted by being propositioned on the first date even if there were zero chemistry or was I just overreacting and should have explained that I am only open for slow approach from the start? And whether agreeing to go on a date equals agreeing to get grabbed at or not? I know it must all sound very childish but I’m really confused.

Lost Girl

DEAR LOST GIRL: Wanting to get laid in and of itself isn’t a bad thing. Hoping that you’re with someone who might be open to hooking up on a first date is, likewise, not inherently a bad thing. Neither is preferring to proceed at a pace you feel comfortable with.

Acting like a a

le, on the other hand, totally is, and that’s where your would-be suitor went wrong.

While there is dating etiquette (which mostly boils down to “don’t be a jerk”),  the big issue here is about respecting boundaries, being able to read social cues and respond to them appropriately… and your date failed at all of these.  He evidently didn’t pick up on (or decided to ignore) the fact that you weren’t into him at all and decided to go for broke at the end when you decided to cut things off early. It’s bad behavior and a sign of low social intelligence to proposition someone, even someone you’re on a date with, when there’s been absolutely no indication that she’s into you at all – no hand holding, no make-outs, nothing. The vast majority of people aren’t going to be cool by going from zero to “bang me” with nothing in between.

There are ways to go about making a move or gauging whether a person is or isn’t up for hooking up on a first date. This guy apparently did none of them. Homeboy should learn how to actually tell if a woman is interested in him before making a move, to not just suddenly start getting touchy-feely (I’m assuming you didn’t mean that he actually tried to grope you, which is a s

thead of a different color) out of nowhere, especially if there hasn’t been any indication that physical contact would be welcomed. He also needs to learn that less (going for a good night kiss, working outward from there if she responds with vigor) is decidedly a better goal than more (trying to get you to go home with him), especially if there’s any question about how you’re feeling. If I were more charitably inclined, I might be willing to say that he’s ignorant, not malicious; he’s has some serious growing up to do and shouldn’t really be dating until he figures it out.

However, it’s the passive aggressive “give it up to me already” text that pushes him from “ignorant” to “a

*e”.

Now that being said: I think being deeply hostile to him may be giving him too much importance. If he’s not actively in your life or social circle – and judging by the way you haven’t heard from him after you told him to go the hell away, I’m guessing he isn’t – then I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t waste the mental bandwidth thinking about him at all. You have a limited number of f

*s to give and he deserves none of them.

You didn’t do anything wrong on your date. Going on a date isn’t a binding contract;  you’re not obligated to put up with a guy doing anything that you aren’t comfortable with and you’re well within your rights to tell him to f

*k right off if he acts like a jackass about it. You have your boundaries and it’s your right to set them where you see fit.

People wanting sex is all fine and dandy. It’s good to want things. But people also want to have their boundaries respected and it’s where these two desires intersect that you separate the assholes from the gentlemen. It’s entirely possible to make overtures while still being respectful, even if they’re not sure whether there’s chemistry or not. Someone who understands this is also going to recognize and respect that person’s answer, whether that’s a “yes”, a “no” or “I want to take things slowly” and not respond by pouting, pressuring or acting like they’re entitled to it.

It can take a little experience to find the good guys (as opposed to the Nice GuysTM) , but they’re well worth the effort.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that is somewhat outside of the normal range, but I respect your view point and I have no one else to ask. In brief-ish, narcissist gas lighting mother is dating the guy that molested me as a small (under 5) child. I haven’t spoken to her in three years, and my dad in almost as long as his response when I tried to talk to him about it was “get over it already.” He is 2nd adoptive step-father, so he wasn’t around at the time. I am 36 and I have three younger siblings, 31, 24, and 18. The youngest is a senior in high-school, the 24 is so stunted (thanks mom!) he might as well be. The oldest has already once broken my rule about providing our mother with my contact info. That’s the history.

Here is the problem. I am getting married next spring. My initial urge is to not tell anyone. But I very much want at least one person at the wedding that has known me longer than 3 years. At my first (baaaaaaad choice) wedding, my sister closest in age was a giant a

le about the whole thing. Admittedly she was 14, but that’s just how she is about most stuff. In her 20s she threw fit on Christmas because the baby of the family got one more present than she did. She counted 15 vs 16. She is also the only person who could arrange for the younger ones to be here, as I live 1,000 miles away and have no money. I would also like to have my dad there, but I don’t know that I can trust him not to tell my mom. He is the epitome of the religious right wing privileged white man. Been supporting Huckabee since I was a teenager. Which is gross, but he does love me and would definitely hold a massive freaking grudge if he finds out later.

So….what do I do? Get drama llama sister involved? Sneak out the younger ones and hope they can keep a secret? Risk my mother crashing my wedding? I’ve spent the last three years undoing a ton of damage to my psyche and I desperately don’t want to invite all the BS back in. But I love my siblings very much. If none of them come, it will just be me and my partner’s friends and family. I don’t have any close friends, it’s hard to meet people when you are either crying or having panic attacks and can’t trust anyone.

Sorry so long and off topic, thank you for your time.

Something Blue

DEAR SOMETHING BLUE: I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through with your family and the damage that it’s done to you over the years. It’s a tragedy when the people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally are the ones who’ve hurt you the worst and the deepest. It’s entirely understandable that you cut off contact with your folks and that you have to keep the remainder at arm’s length; if you can’t trust them to respect your boundaries or not to leak your information to your mother, then keeping them at a distance is a necessary form of psychic self-defense. It’s sad that this is what you have to do to be healthy and happy, but frankly you have to put you first.

Before I get to your wedding questions, I hope that you’re seeking help with a counselor or a therapist. I understand that money is tight, but many counselors will work with you in terms of payment, and Captain Awkward has an excellent guide for finding low-cost (or even free) mental health care options.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about your wedding questions. Your wedding is ultimately about you and your fiancee. As such, you get to decide what it means, how it’s going to happen and who gets to be there. If you want to have a simple signing of the license and call it good, then whip out the pen and get it done. If you want to have a private ceremony for just you and your partner and a backyard barbecue later for your nearest and dearest, then go for it! If you want the full fairy-tale wedding, then knock yourself out. This right to define your terms includes who gets to know beforehand and who gets to be on the guest list. Somebody else’s hurt fee-fees don’t trump your right to celebrate things the way you want and once you get into obligation invites, things can spiral out of control before you know it.

Now from a personal experience, I have had a close friend get married who had a family member that she absolutely did not want to come; this was a person who had committed actual assault on other members of her family at a similar gathering. The catch: this person was married to her uncle, whom my friend loved to pieces and would have been heartbroken not to have at the ceremony. So when she invited her Uncle, not only was his name the only one that was on the invitation, but she reached out to him privately and explained that while he was welcome, his wife was not and if that meant that he couldn’t come, then she understood. Not having her uncle come was going to be the price of not dealing with the stress, drama and potential danger of having her at the wedding.

You have the right to do this too. You can invite the siblings and family members you trust and specifically leave out the ones you don’t, with instructions not to let them know until it’s fait accompli. There will probably be grumbles, but if you can live with that then that’s the price that comes with having them there. If you want to weigh the chances, you can reach out some tentative feelers to those family members you would want to attend – have some conversations about your relationship, your relationship with your mother and how this affects your plans for the future and see how they respond. If you feel secure in trusting them with more information, then you can make with the actual invitations.

Alternately, you are also perfectly welcome to give a carefully edited version of the truth (or just straight up lie): circumstances and monetary limitations mean an incredibly small wedding and limited guest-list of people who were already there; then you can have a simple post-wedding get together for select friends and family later when finances allow. I suspect this may be easier than convoluted levels of skullduggery, especially when you can’t trust certain members of your family to not leak the information to your mother.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything more concrete for you. You’re in an awful situation and there really aren’t any clean-cut or easy answers to your predicament. I just want to you make sure that you take care of yourself first and foremost; you don’t need the toxic members of your family doing any more damage to you than they already have.

But there’s other thing I want you to consider: we have two families in life. We have our family by blood and our family by choice. Sometimes the two are the same. Sometimes they are not. Part of the point of a wedding is that you’re joining your partner’s family, just as they’re joining yours. I presume (and I hope) that your partner’s family loves and respects you and that you love and respect them – this is part of what makes them your family by choice. While I totally understand not wanting your side of the metaphorical aisle to be empty, if you can’t risk the damage it does to you then it’s not worth it to have them there.

But their absence doesn’t mean that your family won’t be there… it just may be that it won’t be the ones you share blood with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I have a problem (or more likely, a laundry list of them, haha): I can’t stay interested in a guy for longer than a couple of months after we start a relationship. And it’s not just losing sexual interest. In the beginning, I am completely happy to boink like bunnies at every available opportunity. But at the end, my sex drive is still high and totally functioning, I just don’t want his assistance anymore. Most of it is that all the things that seemed minor and easy to look past in the beginning while everything was sunshine and puppies starts to really drive me nuts and seem like insurmountable obstacles that, frankly, I don’t have the emotional investment to even want to try. Like the fact that a guy (like my current BF) just doesn’t have an opinion on anything or initiate anything. I’m as happy as the next girl to get to do what I want sometimes, but I hate being the one who has to make ALL of the decisions (including big things like being the one to ask him out or little things like what to have for dinner EVERY. SINGLE. TIME we go out). And I know that a solution could be reached, but I’m just not motivated enough to keep him to try.

And this happens every time I try a relationship. And it isn’t that I just don’t know them beforehand. Even with casual encounters I prefer to be friends first, much less trying a relationship. So I’ll have been friends with the guy and crushing on him for a month or two before I ever agree or try to initiate something more. And for a couple of months, it’ll go pretty well. But it takes me a long time to get truly attached to people. And in every relationship I’ve had, the man gets way more emotionally invested way quicker. And then they usually start to get upset that I don’t want to spend as much time with them as they do with me (even though I’ve told them from the outset that it takes me a while and that I’m one of those introverts who requires several human-free hours a day to unwind). And I resent their demands though I try to accommodate, and then get irritated over little things, and then run for the hills of singledom.

I’ve never even been in love. It’s starting to get me worried that I’m defective or something. Surely a 25 year old with an otherwise healthy social life and plenty of romantic opportunities should have fallen for somebody at some point by now, right?

I thought that maybe it was just that maybe I needed another introvert and the magic would happen. Current BF has the same level of social interest, is a great guy, and we even geekgasm over the same things. Plus I’d known and been friends with (and totally crushing on) him for a little less than two months before I asked him out. And the beginning was so promising! But yet again, after three months, I’ve hit that wall where I’m thinking, y’know, I’m not really that interesting. I have never, even in the beginning of any relationship when things are happy-fuzzy-funtimes, been emotionally invested enough to muster more than a vague sense of disappointment at the thought of a breakup. Am I broken?

I know that I do have some issues with emotional intimacy. My first real relationship threatened suicide if I ever left him within the first month of dating. (And really, what does it say about me that I left anyways?) The next one wanted both a mother and a girlfriend all rolled into one. (Which really bothered me since I’ve been completely self sufficient since 19 and am proud of it. I really value my own and any partner’s independence.) He repeatedly told me that I was the only reason he wasn’t getting back into drugs, and I had to very carefully extricate myself from that one, since he was also very emotionally fragile. So guys getting really emotionally attached rather quickly really freaks me out. And I’ve told everyone that I’ve tried to date this. I’m rather upfront about it. And they insist on doing it anyways. And once they start showing obvious signs, I get irritated at that, and then at everything, and then I just want to escape.

So any advice, Doc? Any way that I can possibly have a relationship that lasts into the longterm? Because while I’m not one of those girls who can’t be happy single, I do at times think I’d like to have a partner in life. Which results in me trying the whole relationship thing over instead of ignoring my crushes, which inevitably ends up with me feeling like a bitch for breaking up with yet another guy after just a few months. Am I doomed to serial short-term monogamy?

—Maybe I’m a Robot?

DEAR MAYBE I’M A ROBOT: I don’t think you’re defective, MIaR, I think you’re still working on your relationship style and needs. When someone is right for you, it doesn’t mean that they’re going to be right for you forever. Not every relationship is meant to be a long-term one, and the fact that you broke up didn’t mean that the relationship is a failure. Some relationships are just short-term by their nature; that doesn’t make them lesser or not valid. You may well just be a serial monogamist who has short-term flings and gets her emotional needs met through other means besides a long-term partner, and that’s totally cool, as long as you’re cool with it.

Now with all that being said: if you’re seeing patterns in every relationship you have, then you need to look at what they all have in common. And sometimes the only common denominator is you. And if you’re having the same issue over and over again, I think a lot comes down to who you’re picking and why. It seems to me that -based on what you’ve told me here – that you hold yourself back in relationships. It’s not without reason; your first two relationships were pretty bad, and you don’t want to get hung up in a bad situation again. Totally understandable. It could also be that there’s some part of you that thinks that you don’t deserve to be happy or to let someone in. This is a different situation entirely, and something you may need to work out with a counselor.

But regardless of the root cause, I have to wonder if you’re not necessarily dating people out of a sense of obligation that you should be dating someone and you end up picking people who’ll do, rather than someone you really connect with. If that’s the case, then I’m not surprised that you’re continually finding deal-breakers; you may well be subconsciously choosing people you know on some level aren’t a good fit because it makes it easier to leave them later. 

And if I’m right – and you’ll have to tell me, since you know yourself better than I do – then it’s no real wonder that your boyfriends get more attached than you do. After all, if you’re holding yourself back from opening up and really connecting with someone, then of course they’re going to fall for you faster and get more invested than you do.

If that’s the case, then the first thing I would suggest is to change your dating style until you’re ready to let people in. Right now, your boyfriends are going into this with the assumption that you’re both on the same page and looking for something that has the potential to be long-term. If you aren’t letting yourself open up to connecting and caring for them… well, you’re kinda dating in bad faith, and that’s not fair to them. It may be easier all around to stick to more casual dating then aiming for something more committed; without the pressure and/or expectation to be “official”, you may find that your interest lasts long enough that you feel comfortable opening up and investing in them.

Or, like I said, it could just be that you’re 25 and this is how you date for now. As long as you’re cool with it – and upfront with your potential partners about how you work so they can make an informed decision – there’s no real reason why you need to change if you don’t want to. The fact that this is how you’re dating now doesn’t mean that you’re going to be dating like this for the rest of your life, and it may be a while before you’re in a place where you’re ready for a long-term partner. There’s no cut-off point where you’re no longer able to have a life-partner and finding one in your late 20s (or 30s or 40s or any age) doesn’t make it any less meaningful or special.

So unless this really bothers you – not just in a “I should have an LTR” way – then it’s really not that big of a deal. If it does bother you and you want to change things, then do some soul searching, maybe talk with someone and work on it. If not then, hey, you do you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My friend told me about your YouTube channel recently, and since I need some dating advice myself I ended up going down the rabbit hole on your site. I have a problem.

I liked what you said in a recent video about reading the room and I think my mentor read the room wrong just one time and now my employers want to bring the hammer down.

I recently got promoted into a HR manager at an office and have been working there for the past 3 years. Couple of months after my promotion, my friend/mentor of a different department was accused of sexual harassment by an intern. She said that he kept hugging her, holding her hand when saying hello, asking about her dating life, joked about sex, and would invite her to private lunches or talks on the roof, even to dinner or drinks after work.

My boss is telling me to maybe fire him or demote him. I think he is testing me to see what I will do to handle the situation.

However, I have known this guy since I started working here and he does this with ALL the girls in the office. When I got hired, I was worried too but the other girls told me nothing was wrong. Even now none of the other girls have a problem with it when I ask them about it. To us he is a great mentor and like a father figure. He listens to us and helps us with problems and even our relationship problems. He helped me through a bad breakup recently too and some of us are even comfortable enough to talk about our sex lives with him. He was a nice manager who trained me to be where I am right now. He pointed out the office creeps, told me how things were done, let me in on the gossip, and since he was cousins with a former upper manager, he helped me get the position I am in now. He is a good guy.

I honestly think that some of the guys are just jealous of how close he is with us and how he protects us from the creeps. Many of them are ganging up on him saying he has been doing this for years and with other girls who quit. I don’t think it is an issue since every other girl who DOES and still works here says it’s fine. This is the first complaint he has ever gotten on company record. I think they are just jealous because the girls like him. He also keeps the creeps he tells us about from being promoted. These are some of the main guys complaining about him.

He has been working here for the past 8 years and has helped countless of women feel comfortable in the office and is close friends with many other managers. I consider him a close friend and he knows about my personal problems. I don’t want to lose him or make him reveal my personal life out of anger.

I can’t help but feel bad for him too because he is in his late 20s but has been single for the past 10 years, give or take a hook up once in a while. I also know he can’t get promoted in the future either because this allegation. Upper management is abandoning him. I don’t know what the office would be like without him. I don’t want to lose him as a friend or demote him and I don’t want to open the door to the creeps he tells us about to take his position. He has been asking me and other managers to help dismiss the case since she is crazy. She didn’t even tell me directly but went to my boss. I feel like the intern is overreacting since all the other girls are fine with it, and if she just told me, I would have told her to let it go. He is a good, friendly guy who was looking out for her.

I would normally just fire him if it was anyone else.

How should I react on this? or what’s your opinion?

-HR’s Nightmare

DEAR HR’S NIGHTMARE: Can I ask you something, HRN? Are you looking for actual advice or are you hoping for a permission slip for what you want to do? Because, honestly? I get a lot of letters from folks who write in hoping I’m gonna sign off on what they want to have happen instead of what needs to happen.

You’re in a lousy position, HRN, but it’s one that comes with the territory. One of the things that comes with the job when you’re a manager is that there will be times that you’re going to have to bring the hammer down and discipline people. And if you were promoted from within, it’s possible that some of those folks were friends of yours. This leaves you in the awkward position of having to actually do your job vs. giving your friends a pass because hey, buds, right? Gotta remember where you came from and all.

It gets doubly troublesome when your friends are getting dragged in front of you for some pretty serious issues.

Now let’s get to the meat of your question: Should you give him a pass?

Short version: no.

The issue your former mentor is having isn’t that he misread the room ONCE, it’s that he’s done it many times. You said it yourself: he kept hugging her, holding her hand, asking about her love life, and asking her out on dates. It’s not that he a single awkward moment and now his job’s on the line, it’s that he’s done this repeatedly.

It’d be one thing if he asked her out on a date, she said “no” and he said “fair enough” and dropped the subject. The same applies to making a joke or two and realizing that he was making her uncomfortable. If he’d recognized that he screwed up, apologized and stopped, then hey maybe he gets a lecture about boundaries and professional behavior in the office. S

t happens and sometimes we’ll make a joke or a comment without realizing that we’re about to cross a line that we didn’t know was there. People understand that this is going to happen because hey, none of us are telepaths or clairvoyants.

But when we keep stepping on those lines, that’s when there’s a problem.

The problem isn’t that aggressive flirts or “touchy-feely” guys are full of malice, it’s that they haven’t faced consequences for crossing the line. As a result, they tend to think that their behavior is acceptable because hey, nobody’s ever smacked their nose for it. If you never tell a dog no when it poops on the rug, it’ll think that it’s perfectly fine to poop on the rug. And while YOU may be ok with a dog-crap-scented rug, the first time it does this on someone else’s rug, there’s gonna be a problem.

Guess what just happened to your buddy?

Now, you tell me he’s a sweet guy. I’m kind of questioning this, because man, lines like “I don’t want him to reveal my personal history out of anger” makes my Spidey-sense tingle. But hey, let’s say I take your word for it that he is. It’s lucky for him that thus far his co-workers haven’t had a problem with him being so touchy-flirty. But the fact that he’s nice to other people or that other folks are cool with it doesn’t mean that his behavior is acceptable in general. One of the common defenses people raise for abusers is “Well, he was never mean to me,” which is nice and all, but that doesn’t change what he did to the people he DID abuse. Your friend may not have crossed the line with other co-workers, but he did here.

Repeatedly.

The fact that he’s single doesn’t give him a pass; the fact that someone’s terminally horny doesn’t mean that they can’t tell when somebody’s uncomfortable and that they should back off. The fact that he’s been good to you over your time there is nice and all and something to keep in mind when you’re deciding what to do, but that doesn’t undo what he’s done. And, I’m not gonna lie: I’m not thrilled with you our your friend running to “she’s overreacting” and “dismiss the case because she’s crazy”.   If he were apologizing and looking to make things right, I’d have fewer concerns. But “bury this complaint because she’s a crazy bitch”? That’s another thing that sets off my Spidey-sense.

Now let’s be real here: the only reason you’re hesitating is because this is a friend. That’s the prime motivation for a lot of the excuses you’re giving here – the feeling that there’s a conspiracy to get him fired, the belief that your boss is testing you, the worry that he’s the lone defense against creeps descending on the vulnerable women in the office, etc. You even say it in your letter: if it were anyone else, you’d fire him. That should tell you what you need to know and what you need to do.

(And honestly? If the ONLY thing standing between the women of the office and an army of creepers is one dude? Then your problem isn’t this dude getting fired or disciplined, it’s holy hopping sheep s

t your office’s culture is garbage and you all need to root that out.)

Look maybe he’s not necessarily a bad guy, and I feel for you being in this position. But the fact is: dude screwed up, and the fact that office politics are the only thing keeping him from facing the consequences of his actions is not a good look on anyone.

If there’s someone else in HR at your level, then it might be worth having them talk to the intern and see how she feels about things and what she’d like to see happen. She might prefer that he knock it off and leave her alone, instead of escalating it all the way to being fired. It’s not impossible that she would be ok with an apology and his being moved to a different department where she doesn’t have to deal with him.

What I DON’T suggest is for YOU talk to her; that’s going to feel a lot like you’re there just to protect your friend at her expense.

But the at the end pf the day. you’re the HR manager. You’ve got a job to do – to maintain the company’s rules and make sure the company’s employees feel safe working there. You have an employee who screwed up big time. It sucks that he’s a friend, it sucks that he’s a good guy, but he still made a mistake.

You may not need to fire him, but he does need to be disciplined, before he does this again.

Good luck

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I was guided to your blog my my sister who sent me a couple of articles concerning finding love late in life, and your words really spoke to me. As a five-foot-eight, 37-year-old virgin (NOT the first who’s written to you!) I enjoy your ‘Ask Dr. NerdLove’ entries a great deal, while also focusing on more than a few of your writings. I haven’t read your books though, and I should get around to that!

I have an issue which I need to overcome in order to make sure I’m confident enough to put myself out there. Body Image.

Having been inspired by your story about your transformation, I have recently started working out at my local gym and am proud to say that for the last few weeks I have been very consistent. I have made great progress with weight training and have been able to increase my capacity while developing muscle. I am starting to feel more energetic, and with more progress I might hopefully go down a trouser size or two. However, I have a medical issue which still haunts me and makes me feel ugly and unattractive, and no matter how much exercise I do it seems to never go away.

You see, I have a bad case of gynecomastia, to use the strictly medical term, and I have read that this is mainly due to a terrible hormonal imbalance. I have tried to do whatever I possibly could to mitigate the effect, be it bench presses, fly exercises, press-ups (push-ups!) or what have you, and yet it still seems to stick around. I am more and more convinced that surgery at a later date (provided I have the money!) is the only way I can make it go away, although I am still hopeful that I can naturally get rid of it before then. But it’s because of this that I NEVER walk around bare-chested like a lot of buff guys do, and have NEVER gone swimming for a LONG time.

What’s even worse is the issue of clothing. I remember in at least one or two of your articles you talked about the importance of dressing well, specifically avoiding loose or baggy clothing and wearing more clothing which highlights your frame. Now a problem here is that the tighter the shirts I wear, the more highlighted my gynecomastia becomes. Therefore, while I could technically wear a size L shirt or t-shirt, I steadfastly prefer size XL since it doesn’t really highlight my body in an unflattering light. It becomes a bit of an issue when I go out with my friends to a pub or a bar, because my friends are studs in their own right and look rather healthy. I don’t bother to approach girls in part because I don’t feel manly or attractive, and just spend my time having a few drinks and enjoying myself. Not that it necessarily bothers me, but I need to change this aspect of myself and I am doing what I can.

I’ll keep going to the gym because I like the way I’m going about it and I know I’m getting some good results even if I’m not losing weight yet. But I still have to live with this problem for now and what hurts is that I can’t hide it. So this is my question, loaded as it might be: How can I possibly improve my dress sense and start to look and feel better without highlighting my body issues? Also, have you had this problem before? What did you do to solve it? Your wisdom is greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Trying To Overcome Body Shame

DEAR TRYING TO OVERCOME BODY SHAME: I’m sorry you’re having issues, TOBS; there’s nothing quite like making progress but having areas that you just can’t not obsess over. And hey, I feel ya. I’ve got my own body issues and weird-ass insecurities that drive me up the wall, even when I understand them intellectually. But part of developing your confidence and self-esteem is to learn to accept, even love your body with it’s various idiosyncrasies.

Now this doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t do things that can bring positive changes.

The good news is that you’re doing things mostly right. You’re hitting the gym and working out and hopefully you’re pairing that with healthy eating habits. That’s good, regardless of anything else. Even if you don’t turn into a sculpted Adonis, you’re going to be improving your physical and emotional health… and hopefully enjoying yourself in the process.

So let’s talk a little about gynecomastia. There are a lot of potential causes beyond just having a hormone imbalance. Some medications can cause it, as can excessive alcohol consumption or illegal drug use. Other times there’re medical conditions that can trigger it, ranging from hyperthyroidism to breast cancer. This is one of the reasons why you’re better to talk to a real doctor, not Doctor Google or a loudmouth with an advice column; they’re the ones who can tell you whether there’s a medical cause or you just have a lot of fatty tissue in your chest. They’re also the ones who can tell you just what can be done about it; surgery is the most common option, but there are medicinal treatments as well. It all depends on your circumstances.

However, one thing that WON’T help is strength training. Gynecomastia isn’t just that you have flabby pecs, it’s the fatty tissue over them. You can have a chest like Arnold Schwarzenegger and still be dealing with having excess fat over them. I’m sure someone has told you that abs aren’t built in the gym, they’re built in the kitchen. Sit ups will strengthen the muscles, but if they’re surrounded by fat, you still can’t see them. Chest flies and incline dumbbell presses will build and sculpt your muscle, but it won’t reduce the fat that’s causing you to have breasts. Your eating habits will help some – especially if the issue is how much alcohol you drink. But ultimately, gynecomastia is a medical issue and you can only do so much without medical assistance.

That having been said, this doesn’t mean that you’re screwed or that you need to hide behind baggy, shapeless clothes. One option would be to look into compression tops like Spanx or Esteem Apparel (which are designed specifically for gynecomastia). These look like undershirts or athletic-wear and can be worn under your every day clothes with nobody being any the wiser. These can give you more confidence and help you feel like you’re wear your real size instead of looking like you’re swimming in your own clothing“allowed” to.

But honestly? The best thing you can do is learn to love your body, boobs and all. Just because you’re big doesn’t mean that you can’t dress stylishly or well. In fact, dressing sharp will probably do wonders for your self-esteem, regardless of your size or shape. When you dress well, you’re sending a message that you care about your appearance, which also carries the implication that you’re worth caring about. That message goes both ways, by the way; the way we dress affects how we feel and perform. Taking the time and effort to dress up sharp tells you that you’re worth putting that effort in. It may feel like a costume at first, but trust me: it will become natural quickly, especially if you do it consistently.

Nor does being large – or having gynecomastia – mean that women won’t be attracted to you. Women aren’t a hive mind; they love a wide variety of body types and shapes. Your personality, your humor and your fashion sense will do as much for creating an awesome first impression as whether you’ve got abs like PHWOAR. And to be honest? The longer you take to “put yourself out there”, the more often you’ll find excuses not to.

So put in the effort, TOBS. Get some awesome clothes, maybe a control top or two and stop treating your body like something shameful. It may not be the Hollywood ideal, but nobody is. Stop trying to hide and show yourself that you’re worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)