DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need advice on whether my girlfriend is cheating on me.

We are in a long distance relationship; she is about 2 hours away and we see each other every other weekend. We’re going on 3 months now. The reason I think she maybe cheating on me is because for awhile she didn’t think it was important to communicate with me throughout the day. She’s gotten better about it after we had a fight, but she’s still acting shady. When she is around me she never wants to drink because she gets crazy, but when she’s not around me she will get drunk with her best friend. When she does go out, she doesn’t tell me and I don’t hear from her at all. The only way I know is when she brags about it the next morning. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t talk to me when she’s out and what she says is that its rude to text in front of other people, but she text in front of me all the time.

She is always talking about her past and it finally got to a point were I told her that I don’t wanna hear it and that it makes me think she is missing something. Whenever I try to talk about my problems with her, she gets defensive and takes everything to the extreme. For instance when I was talking to her about the drinking thing she said “Fine, I won’t drink and hangout with my friends anymore”. I love her and she says she loves me but I don’t know anymore. I just don’t wanna waste time with the wrong person. Everybody I talk to tells me she is, but I don’t know what to believe. Please help!

Totally Really Lost

DEAR TOTALLY REALLY LOST: None of these are signs that she’s cheating on you, TRL. What they are is a whole mess of signs that it’s time for the two of you to break up already, because hot damn you two aren’t working out.

Let’s take this apart a little, shall we? To start with, you’re both doing the long-distance relationship thing wrong. When you’re in a long distance relationship, communication is key. It’s difficult to maintain a romantic connection over a distance; even Skype or FaceTime calls aren’t going to be the same as when you’re in person. But one of the first things you have to do is establish your communication needs; some people prefer to talk once a day, others like an end-of-the-week download with sporadic texting or IMing. Expecting constant contact throughout the day, on the other hand, is going to be pushing things, even for the most “shmoopy” of couples.

Just on a practical level, there are going to be long stretches during the day when it’s just not possible to be texting, IMing or chatting over Facebook.  Sometimes you’re just going to not get a prolonged conversation, or even an immediate response. If you’re going to freak out about periods of radio silence over the course of the day, then you’re not ready for a serious relationship. If you can’t handle being out of contact with her, then the issue is no longer about how much you care about one another, it’s about your needing constant reassurance and validation from her.  A relationship isn’t a deposition, especially one as brief as yours is. You’re not her parole officer and she’s not required to check in with you before she goes out with her friends, nor is she obligated to constantly be providing you with updates when she’s out having fun.

Now to be fair: talking with her about your needs and working to find a compromise that works for the both of you is a step in the right direction. It’s just too damn bad that everything takes about five dozen backwards after that. I’m going to be honest: neither of you are covering yourselves in glory here. You’re being clingy while she’s coming off as incredibly rude and inconsiderate.

When it comes to understanding people, there’s looking at what they say and looking at what they do. And right now, what your snugglebunny is saying and doing? Two very different things.

Let’s take the drinking issue. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re welded together at the hip, nor does it mean that you aren’t allowed to go out and party down with your BFF when your significant other is around. But it’s another thing entirely when it’s a Jekyll and Hyde situation; claiming not to like drinking because it makes her get wild, but going out and closing down the clubs when you’re not around is a sign that she’s not being straight with you… especially when she’s bragging (your words) about all the crazy times she had. You know. Those crazy times she told you she doesn’t like having.

Similarly, there’s her telling you that she thinks texting in front of other people is rude and then texting other people in front of you. Even allowing for the fact that this is the excuse she’s giving you for not taking time away from being with her friends to text with you (which is pretty impolite), the fact that she’s doing something that she believes to be rude to you tells you a little about how much she respects you. The way the two of  you argue isn’t any better; the passive-aggressive “well fine, I guess I just won’t hang out with my friends any more!” response is  just a way of shutting you down without actually addressing the issues at hand. 

This isn’t a healthy relationship for either of you. The best thing for both of you is to break up now. Even at the most generous viewing, she’s selfish and rude and you need to do some maturing so that you can get to the point where you don’t need to be in constant contact. Let her go find someone else and spend your time working on yourself so you can find someone who is right for you… and you can be right for her.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I got dumped unexpectedly last night by a woman I’d been seeing for about two months. I liked her quite a bit; I made it clear to her that I liked her, and that I wanted her, and that I was fine with moving at whatever pace was comfortable for her. I wasn’t exactly planning the proposal, but I was definitely at a point where I was thinking there might be some potential for something serious. 

When she broke up with me last night she said that she thinks I’m very sweet, and she has a blast when she’s with me, but the romantic spark never appeared for her. I was a little surprised by this–less than a week ago we enjoyed a pretty heavy makeout session that ended only when we agreed with some difficulty that it might be a good idea to slow down. I had originally worried I wasn’t building physical chemistry with her, but once we got to the point that most dates were ending with an hour or so of kissing and cuddling I figured I was in good shape.

So, what I’m wondering is: was there something I should have done differently, or done more of? Is this just a case of two people with a fundamental incompatibility? In short, did I screw this up, or is this just a case of something better discovered sooner than later?

Feeling Confused

DEAR FEELING CONFUSED: You didn’t do anything wrong, FC. The long and short of it is that you weren’t compatible and that was never going to change.

You wanted something that she just wasn’t going to be able to give; you wanted a relationship and she just wasn’t feeling that with you. You may have had the physical chemistry –  she was digging the sloppy make-outs –  but the emotions just weren’t there and there wasn’t any sign of that changing. Don’t get me wrong: she definitely liked you. After all, she was going out of her way to give it time to see if things would develop, but (and I hate to devolve to cliche) she just didn’t like you that way. Sexual attraction is great and an important part of relationships, but it’s not enough for a long-term relationship on it’s own.

There comes a point in a relationship when you have to check and see if you’re on the same page… and frankly, you weren’t. You wanted something serious with her and she just wasn’t feeling the same way about you. And so she ended it. And it sucks, I know. God knows I’ve been there. But in the long run… she was doing you a favor.

I realize that it doesn’t feel this way right now. It’s still fresh and raw and you have no real distance or perspective on the matter. It’s actually a testament to her feelings for you that she was willing to break up with you when she did. But by cutting things off early on, she was saving you both from greater pain down the line. Sticking things out would have ultimately meant that she was leading you on and that wouldn’t be fair to either of you; all that she would be doing is postponing the inevitable and ultimately making the pain worse when you eventually realized that the entire time you thought you were building to something serious, she was only sticking around because she was afraid to hurt you. That is the sort of pain that ruins people for a long, long time.

So she was cruel to be kind, breaking things off even though she liked you, liked making out with you and had fun with you. She risked the pain now to save you from worse later on. And that means a lot. She was being a better friend to you than you realized. Take comfort in that and realize that you’ll be in a better position to find someone who is on the same page as you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 22 years old and I have been married for a year. My husband and I used to have sex all the time. Crazy good sex. All of the sudden, it started to go downhill.

He always said he liked oral better and he “HAD to be in the mood for sex to have it”. Even if I beg for it, even if I sit on top of him, nothing will work. He just “has to be in the mood”. I am so sexually frustrated and hurt. He said it has nothing to do with me and that he still of course finds me attractive so it’s not that he lost interest or anything. I’m just so confused as to why it all of the sudden stopped and why I can’t get him to have sex with me at all? I’m frustrated, hurt, and ashamed to talk about it with friends. I have talked to him about it many times and in the beginning he always just said “I have to be in the mood”. Now he just gets annoyed because I ask all of the time, “why can’t we ever have sex?!”. Tonight is my birthday and I still could not get any. Please please give me some advice. I feel as if I have tried everything and that this is too early in the relationship to have this problem. I also feel that he is too young to have any health issues! Please please help me out here.

Frantic, Frustrated and Female

DEAR FRANTIC, FRUSTRATED AND FEMALE: This is one of those times when it’s frustrating that I’m not an actual doctor, because there are so many potential reasons for this that it’s pretty much impossible to give you an answer. The human sex drive is complex and any number of things can cause it to fall fall apart. Just because he’s young doesn’t mean that it’s impossible for him to have something physically or mentally affecting his libido.

It could be physical. It could be emotional. It could be a combination of the two. He could have prostate problems. He could suspect (or know) he has an STI and doesn’t know how to tell you. He could have realized he’s gay and doesn’t feel that he can come out of the closet. He could have or could be cheating on you. He could be asexual and just doesn’t want to have sex with ANYONE. Or he could have suddenly decided that at 22 (oh God you two married young) he’s suddenly done with sex. Or it could be something else entirely. Like I said: Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor.

The first clue that could tell us what might be wrong is just how quickly the cut-off happened; did his interest in sex taper off, or was it like turning off a light-switch? The second thing that would be relevant is how long this has been going on: a month, six months, a year? A reduced interest in sex for a week or two is unusual but not a crisis and is usually circumstantial. A lack of interest for a couple months or longer is indicative of something serious going on.

The next thing would be potential external factors. Has he had some major event in his life like losing a job or loved one? Is he experiencing unusual levels of stress – struggling to keep from being evicted levels of stress, not “Oh hell, I forgot I had a deadline at work coming up and have to pull an all-nighter” level. Has he started taking any new medications, especially any anti-depressants or mood stabilizers?

In the end though, the problem is less about the fact that his interest in sex has cratered, it’s in the fact that he doesn’t seem to give a damn just how much it’s upsetting you. It’d be one thing if he were single – it’s up to him whether losing his sex drive is important enough to try to fix it – but when you’re in a relationship, you aren’t just dealing with your crap in a vacuum; what affects you affects your partner too. And when you’re not interested in fixing something that’s actively hurting your partner… well, that’s when you have to start asking some pointed questions about the future of the relationship.

So here’s my recommendation: start with using your words. Instead of demanding “why can’t we ever have sex”, explain to him how you’re feeling – that his sudden lack of interest is hurting you and making you feel that something is wrong with your relationship. You’re bothered by the fact that he’s suddenly no longer interested in you – even when he says he’s still attracted to you – and that he doesn’t seem to be bothered by both the change in his sex drive or the fact that it’s upsetting you.

If he’s willing to at least talk out your concerns, then I would suggest that he talk to a doctor to make sure there isn’t a medical cause to this problem. If there isn’t a medical cause, then there might be a psychological one. He might want to talk to a therapist, or you might want to talk to a couple’s councilor if there are specific relationship issues that are bothering him.

If he’s not willing to talk it out… well, at that point he’s starting to give you a sign of just where he’s prioritizing your concerns and emotional well-being in the relationship and it’s time to seriously consider ending things. Not only is sexual compatibility important but so too is basic concern for your partner’s emotional health and well-being. If he’s just not concerned with the way he’s hurting you, then the relationship is already in it’s death throes and it’s better to just break things off now before they get worse. I’m sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but if he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you, then you’re better off without him.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m hoping you can help set my mind at ease. About 2 1/2 years ago I married a nerd. Your typical shy, anti-social, Star Trek watching, Star Wars toy collecting, can’t watch a movie unless it has a spaceship in it, plays video games for 10 hours straight nerd. I am not a nerd at all, really. I have my quirks, but I’m not really interested in anything he is. I try to support him in his interests, watching his movies (but not pretending I like them because I’m a horrible actress), helping him sell his Star Wars collection and having no problem with him coming home at 2 AM twice a week because he’s playing WOW with his friends. For reference, he’s 43 and I’m 39. We’re raising three kids together.

I worry, though, a lot. That he’ll meet another nerd, someone who he will think is the coolest, sexiest thing ever, someone who enjoys and affirms everything that he loves and who actually understands his nerd references. There’s one particular girl he follows on Twitter that I’m concerned about who is a pretty, male version of him. He has been nothing but faithful and I have voiced my concerns to him. He has reassured me that it doesn’t matter if we don’t have these things in common.

What do you think? Can nerds and non-nerds really last in love?

Mundane Undergoing Distress

DEAR MUNDANE UNDERGOING DISTRESS: First, a technical note, because I know someone will jump on this if I don’t: if he’s going elsewhere to game with his friends, he’s probably playing Dungeons and Dragons or another table-top RPG, rather than WOW, which is an online computer game.

So that out of the way: the critical part of a relationship isn’t having everything in common, it’s about being compatible over all. Having wildly different interests and taking time to enjoy them separately can be good for a relationship; after all, trying to force one’s significant other into taking part in something he or she hates is just a recipe for resentment and anger. As long as he’s not gaming or nerding out at the expense of your relationship – you’re not feeling neglected, he’s not neglecting his share of the household/child-rearing responsibilities or putting gaming before actual relationship or parenting time – then hey, everything’s cool. You’ve got stuff you like doing, he’s got stuff he likes doing and as long you can both respect the other’s interests, even if you don’t share it, then all is well.

And from the sounds of it, that’s exactly what you’re doing; you’re giving him space for his stuff that you don’t share and letting him know that even though you don’t get it, you get that he does. Hopefully this is a two-way street and he’s equally as supportive of the things you like, even if he just doesn’t get them. One person doesn’t get a “get out of respecting her stuff free” card just because they’re a nerd after all.

Now, with all that being said, I’m going to be honest here: you sound like you’re feeling a little insecure about more than just that he’s a nerd and you’re not. I mean, following someone on Twitter isn’t a sign of impending infidelity, even if she’s his opposite-sex clone; this goes doubly so if she’s not somebody in his every day life. Yes, online crushes can happen, but honestly, sometimes the clues we think we’re seeing are the voices in our jerkbrain saying “this is too good to be true, something must be wrong,” even when it isn’t. Is it possible that somewhere deep in his soul, he’s craving a Felicia Day-type who’s into all the same things he is and gets all the same references and thinks that a few rounds of Titanfall multiplayer makes the best foreplay? Yes, it’s theoretically possible. It’s also theoretically possible he’s a deep-cover KGB agent who’s been left out in the cold after the fall of the Soviet Union. If you’re not careful, you can what-if and maybe yourself into any number of dire scenarios.

But let’s weigh your nagging doubts versus what he’s saying and what he’s doing.

He’s invested two and a half years into your marriage, plus however long the two of you were dating beforehand. He’s raising three children with you. He’s never said a word about feeling resentful or that he’s missing out – in fact he’s been reassuring you that no, he’s actually really happy with you and he’s totally cool with the fact that you’re into his nerd passions. He’s never given you any reason to doubt his fidelity, and presumably he’s been a full and equal partner in the relationship.

Honestly, unless there’s something you left out, it sounds to me like everything is exactly as he says: he’s happy with his relationship with you. He’s got the love and companionship and the shared lives with you and he’s got his buddies for when he wants to geek out. Sometimes you have to just take “yes” for an answer, and in this case, it sounds like yes, he’s incredibly happy with you.

Can nerds and non-nerds be happy together? Hell yes. There’s more to a relationship than just shared hobbies. There’s having similar values, sexual compatibility, emotional and intellectual engagement, goals and lifestyles that synch up together, a willingness to work together towards mutual satisfaction and understanding and whether or not you to make each other happy. All of this is far more indicative of whether a relationship will last than just whether one partner likes to spend their time painting Warhamster miniatures and the other likes to take long walks through the city and shoot artsy photos of graffiti.

If looking around and recognizing that he’s given you no reason to believe that anything’s wrong, then it may be worth taking the time to unpack some of your anxieties with a counselor or a therapist. I think you’ve got something good here. Don’t let your jerkbrain convince you that something’s wrong, even when everything’s ok.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating this great guy for two months, and the whole time he’s been talking about toys and buttplay. As it turns out, he’s a sub and wants to be dominated.

Sex, for me, has gotten less and less pleasing for me; meanwhile, now he wants to get his beads out. I’m frustrated because he’s been having issues with erections the last couple times we had sex. I wanted to try and enjoy having sex with him but every time, he wants me to play with his ass. I can’t sleep and I’ve been crying about my feelings of inadequacy. I don’t want to disappoint my BF, just as I’m trying to tell him it’s been bad sex. I just want to have normal sex . And I usually do and it’s great.

Should I break up with this guy? Or is worth experimenting with anal beads and stuff? I feel bad but I just can’t do it.

Not Up for Butts

DEAR NOT UP FOR BUTTS: So there’s a concept that originated with Dan Savage called “good, giving and game”. The idea is that a sex partner should aspire to be good or skilled in bed, giving of pleasure and consideration and game for trying new things within reason. The last part is relevant to your situation, NUB; the idea here is that when your partner has a kink or an interest that turns their crank but doesn’t necessarily turn yours, it’s still worth giving it the old college try for their sake. A lot of times, partners may not get much from a particular activity but draw pleasure from the way it pleases the other person. You may not, to pull a random example, care much for foot-worship or black silk stockings, but if your partner does, the fact that it sets them off like a rocket can be a pleasure in and of itself.

And that last G can be pretty crucial. Researchers have actually found that being GGG is an important part of relationship satisfaction. When people feel heard and appreciated and that their partner understands and respects their needs – not to mention, y’know, getting to do whatever freaky thing they dig – they feel more loved and closer with their partner.

But there’s a critical part of that final G: “within reason”. While it’s good to be willing to do things that you may not be into because it makes your partner happy, doing things that you can’t stand or that’ll leave you curled up in the shower afterwards ain’t gonna help things no matter how much your beau got off.

Of course, every person has to draw the line where “within reason” falls. And while there’re some general guidelines – foot fetishism, for example, is pretty harmless, while scat is going to be well on the other side of the line for most – there will be places that some folks just can’t go that others don’t see as a big deal. Buttplay can occasionally be one of them.

Now, I’m someone who believes it’s a good idea to interrogate the whys and wherefores about one’s limits, especially if it’s something that’s relatively common. But interrogating those feelings sometimes just means that you come to the conclusion of “no sir, I don’t like it.” Which, hey, fair enough; you do you and get down how you prefer to get down. Just do your best to not harsh someone else’s squee.

However, it’s pretty clear that this is something that’s really important to your boyfriend, especially if he’s been rolling it out from the jump. While it’s kind of obnoxious of him to bring it up literally every single time you two talk about sex, it’s something that he obviously needs for a fulfilling sex life. That’s going to be an issue for the two of you going forward.

There are ways to get around the semi-soft issue; fingers and tongues never go limp. Neither do penetrative toys. Get yourself a nice dildo and your boy can go to town on you with that to your heart’s content, even when his junk is only at half mast. But if you aren’t enjoying the sex you’re having and he doesn’t feel like his needs are being met… well, then it sounds like you two just aren’t sexually compatible. And if you’re having these issues at only two months together? Then it’s probably better that the two of you go your separate ways, so you can find the partners you are compatible with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long-time reader here and I’m looking for advice on something I don’t recall you ever writing about. About a month and a half ago, I started dating a woman who is a regular at the restaurant where I work. One night, I wrapped up my shift early and we started chatting while I enjoyed my shift drink; long story short, I ended up walking her home and we made out at every stop light (we live in a big city with a lot of stop lights). I didn’t go in, and we didn’t have sex, but she had given me her number and we decided to meet up the next time our schedules afforded; I’m 27, she’s 25, and we both have hectic work schedules with unorthodox hours.

We managed to meet up a few days later at a local bar, and during the conversation, she disclosed that she had recently broken up with her fiance. She had not, however, told her father about the break up and she was having dinner with him later, so she had her engagement ring on for the evening. On our next date, she informed me that she has a one year old son with her ex, which was part of why she hadn’t made the break up public yet. I took the news in stride and she thanked me for that and we arranged our next get together when we parted ways.

For the sake of full disclosure, I did know about the ex and baby after that first night because I had looked her up on Facebook and seen the pictures of her, her ex, and their son, so I wasn’t surprised by what she said. Essentially, even though I didn’t know the details, I had some idea of what her situation was before we started dating; it wasn’t a deal breaker then and it’s certainly not a deal breaker now.

The last month and a half has been wonderful, but it has also had its tribulations.We see each other as often as we can and the passion is always there; we’re very much in the honeymoon period of our relationship. However, the holidays were very difficult because her ex was with her and her family. He still wants them to get back together, so they were fighting for long periods, during which I wouldn’t hear from her. Also, this was when she finally decided to inform her family about the breakup, about which she was naturally very nervous. She got through all that, nevertheless, and when they got back, she completely moved out of her ex’s house and made it how clear how over it is between them.

Now that we’ve gotten through that rough patch, things have settled down and we’ve been able to see each other more regularly. I’ve hung out with her friends and we’ve had our first sleepover. We briefly had sex once, but she decided she wasn’t ready for that after a few minutes, so we’re taking our time with that step. Overall, I’m very happy with how the relationship is going, but I would like your advice on a few things.

First of all, this is my first serious relationship; I’ve had a good number of one night stands and a few short-term flings here and there, but this is the first relationship that really felt like it had legs. Part of the reason for that is that up until a couple of years ago, I had bad social anxiety that made me a miserable person. I got help through a psychiatrist while in grad school, and have had very few issues since then. However, I sometimes get nervous that I’m coming on too strong or that she’s going to get back together with her ex for the sake of their son and that this fantastic relationship we started is going to disappear; I know neither of these are true, but the thoughts keep coming back, mostly when she has to do things with her ex for work or for the baby.

Second, while my coworkers at the restaurant know we’re dating, she has told me that we have to be “just friends” when her coworkers and friends are around, since she doesn’t want them to know how quickly she’s moved on from the engagement. I’m fine with this as I understand how it could look at that she is very worried about a custody battle with her ex, but I really look forward to the day that we can be publicly a couple and hope it comes sooner rather than later.

Finally, she currently shares custody with her ex, trading days as their schedules permit. However, she doesn’t want me to meet the baby yet, so she and I don’t get to see each other the days she has him. I’ve made it clear to her that I completely understand, since he’s very young and often scared of strangers, and that I will meet him when she thinks that we are all ready. I’m willing to wait, of course, but it can be frustrating when we don’t get to see each other for three or more days in a row at this state of the relationships.

To conclude, I’m starting a very passionate and wonderful relationship with an amazing woman and we both care about each other very much, but it poses some unique challenges that I would like your advice on. Most of my family and friends know I’m dating someone, but only a few of the close ones know how complicated it is, and they tell me I’m doing everything right to make this relationship last. However, I would love to hear what you have to say on the subject, Doctor.

Thanks

Momma Drama

DEAR MAMA DRAMA: I… would not have advised dating a single mother for your first serious relationship, MD.

Dating someone who has a child – one who hasn’t left home, at least – has a whole host of challenges on top of the usual trials and tribulations of dating. One of them is understanding that you are, by necessity, going to be a lower priority than their child. This sounds cold but at the end of the day, you’re a grown ass adult and their kid isn’t. If a decision has to be made between the two of you, then the kid tends to take the tie. It’s part of being a good parent and putting him first is going to be the source of a lotof your girlfriend’s decisions… such as the fact that she doesn’t want you to meet her son yet. As much as it may suck for you right now, this is actually the right decision. It’s hard on children to be introduced to someone who they may bond with – someone who may become a parental-figure to them –  only to have them suddenly disappear when the relationship ends. On the other end of the spectrum, kids can often feel like the new boyfriend or girlfriend is a rival for their parent’s affections, especially if the split between their parents was recent.

This is one reason why most experts recommend not introducing a partner to their children until the relationship is starting to get serious… and even then to do so very slowly.

Plus, there’s the fact that your girlfriend just left her fiancé. That’s a pretty major life change, and she may not be ready to dive into a relationship that’s as serious as what she just left. Keeping things compartmentalized right now – baby in one compartment, you in another, never the twain to meet – may well be part of how she keeps things from feeling overwhelming or like she’s moving too fast. Not to mention: she has a one year old, soon to be a toddler. That’s going to take a lot of her time, energy and attention – attention she really can’t spare for you. The last thing she wants is to run into a situation where you and your son are wanting time with her. Yeah, it sucks that you don’t get to see her on days when she has custody, but it’s the right choice for her and her son.

The other thing to keep in mind is that her ex is going to be a part of her life. If they’re co-parenting and sharing custody, then she can’t exactly cut him out of her life. They’re co-parenting, which means that there’s going to be a lot of interaction between the two of them. Now this doesn’t mean that she’s going to get back together with him for the sake of her son; he’s her ex for a reason after all. But it does mean that this is going to be something that you are going to have to contend with, if you’re going to be dating her. If her spending time with her ex, even in the context of taking care of their son, is going to stress you out, then you’re going to need to manage your anxiety and face down those intrusive thoughts.

(The “just friends around people I know” kind of makes me raise an eyebrow; it makes sense to an extent, but I’m still looking askance at it.)

I’m not gonna lie to you, my dude: you decided to start playing the game on Hard Mode right off the bat. This can be a rewarding experience, don’t get me wrong. But going into this, you’re going to have a lot of challenges from the jump that people in other relationships won’t face until much further down the line.

And one more thing: at the end of the day, MD, this relationship is going to have to be almost entirely at her pace. As much as you may want certain things from her – more time, more attention, what-have-you – you’re going to have to be ready to understand that she’s going to have a host of concerns above and beyond her relationship with you.

If you want this relationship to last, then you need to be cool with that.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)