DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I think I have a problem that quite a few people also experience–dealing with kink, especially one that’s rare, particularly strange by “normal” standards, or one that many people find outright disgusting. In my case, I’m a vorarephiliac. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, and I don’t think any amount of sex-positivity or rationalizing is going to change that, because my kink is, to speak perfectly frankly, more than a bit disturbing.

In my case, though, it’s contributing to my already-poor self esteem, and it’s become something of a barrier to my efforts – not because I’ve told anyone and they’ve rejected me in disgust, but because a potential relationship, as you’ve articulated, requires both partners to be, at least comfortable with each others’ needs and desires. My problem is, I’m sure that the overwhelming majority of women wouldn’t react positively to the revelation. I suppose my question isn’t “How do I hide my kink?” but, “How do I make it clear that this doesn’t define me, and that it wouldn’t be an obstacle in a sexual relationship?”

Thanks,

Wishing for a Different Kink

DEAR WISHING FOR A DIFFERENT KINK: Before I get into answering your question, let’s define some terms here. Vorarephilia – usually shortened to “vore” – is a sexual paraphilia or fetish where a person is aroused by the concept of being consumed by or absorbed into someone. Some folks want to be eaten, some people want to watch others be consumed and still others want to be the one doing the eating. As far as paraphilias go, it’s actually not that uncommon; a quick browse of DeviantArt, YouTube and other galleries will find you no end of vore fetish art. Needless to say, vore tends to fall along the lines of “fetishes that are impossible to fulfill”, along with folks who’re into giants (not just amazonian women, actual giants) or mythological creatures. Vore isn’t about cannibalism; the paraphilia rarely involves killing or being killed, although vorarephiles will differentiate between soft-vore (just consumption, alive and whole) and hard-vore (being chewed/killed and eaten).

So no, it’s not your garden-variety kink and – in fairness – it’s going to weird some people out. And in fairness: I don’t really grok vore as a fetish and there’s a lot of folks out there who poke fun at how unusual or outré vore is. But the fact that you have an unusual kink doesn’t make you a bad or disgusting person, it just means that the things that get you off are different than what get other people off. Your paraphilia doesn’t define you as a person, any more than someone with a rape fantasy is secretly hoping to assault someone or be assaulted. It’s that self-shame that’s messing you up more than anything else.

Before you get too concerned about explaining your kink to future partners, you need to work on accepting yourself. You’re not bad, you’re not disgusting, you’re just different. And in a world where pretend to be infants or dress up in mascot outfits, different is pretty damn relative.

You need to start working on redefining how you see yourself; treating it as a deep dark secret that will repulse any partner is only going to make you miserable in the long run and cut you off from people who might be into you.

As for how you explain it to other people and avoid a disgusting reaction, it’s pretty simple: don’t start none, won’t be none. What this means is that it’s all in how you roll things out. Our partners will tend to take our lead about the things we reveal about ourselves. If you want someone to believe that your kinks don’t define you, then you have to model the behavior you want to see in them. If we present something with the same hesitancy and self-loathing as though we’re having to hand them a glass of cockroach milk and tumor fricassee, then they’re going to respond in a similar manner.

On the other hand, if you just present it as matter-of-fact, a “hey, just FYI, some of the things that turn me on are weird, it’s no big deal”, then they’ll treat it as no big deal. Notice very carefully how I used the word “some”. When it’s clear that your kink is just one aspect of who you are and not your sum totality – presumably you’re able to be aroused and have sex without needing vore porn – then it’s just part of what makes you unique. And that’s assuming the topic ever comes up in the first place. Relationships aren’t depositions; you are allowed to keep things to yourself, especially if it’s only something you masturbate to on occasion.

If your vore fantasies are just a movie you play in your head when you’re on your own, or even something you’re thinking about in order to get off during partnered sex, then you don’t need to go into any more detail than absolutely necessary. You may want to make sure you’re doing your porn browsing in Incognito mode just so that the YouTube recommendation algorithm doesn’t throw a surprise to your sweetie, but otherwise, you can feel fairly justified in giving the broadest and vaguest brushstrokes.

The other thing to keep in mind is that if and when you bring up your kink, you’re sharing one aspect of yourself; someone who freaks out and rejects you because they’re making these judgements, on the other hand, is sharing everything about them.

So, TL;DR version: work on accepting yourself, kinks and all. Model the response you want from your partner when you roll things out – don’t treat it like the mark of Caine or a plate of french-fried baby toes.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an issue that I haven’t really seen addressed anywhere else so I was hoping you could weigh in.

I’m just a regular guy in my own estimation apart from a few interests that kinda stand out. To get to the point, I study history and languages for fun. I’m fluent in three of them and I’m currently trying to get to a working understanding of four more. These are my hobbies (well, a couple of them anyway). I also hang out with a lot of people in the tech industry and from what I’ve seen in my social circle, I’ve decided that I don’t want to become the tech-dick guy about my hobbies. I don’t want to be the guy who talks over people’s heads, turns his nose up at people who aren’t as in the know as he is and sees no problem leaving those people out of the conversation entirely. I understand that my interests are uncommon and that many people find them inaccessible. The problem is, I don’t know how much to reveal to people about them without coming off as intimidating or snobbish. As a result, it’s kinda become an unintentional secret.

The thing is, I enjoy talking about more normal everyday things just fine. If I never found anyone else to discuss random grammar or pore over dialects with, I’d be fine with it and it wouldn’t stop me from pursuing these things anyway. I enjoy them that much. The only time it ever usually comes up is when I break into a different language with friends around, say, to help a recent immigrant find things in the city or if some other random thing makes this knowledge immediately relevant. Reactions have been mixed. A couple of former girlfriends couldn’t seem to bear the intimidation. I broke up with one of them specifically because after I became comfortable enough to share a little more about what I do, she sporadically began to call me arrogant and “an intellectual” but as an insult. So…just as I’d feared. Most other people seem genuinely impressed but I can’t help but wonder if by letting this slip, they now view me entirely differently which is not what I want.

So my question is, moving forward particularly in the dating world, how much of this is too much to talk about? If I set up a dating profile and mention these in my list of interests, is this a plus? Or am I only going to scare them off and make them think that only women with advanced degrees in linguistics should bother talking to me?

Sincerely,

Clumsy Clark Kent

DEAR CLUMSY CLARK KENT: Here’s the thing you’re doing wrong, CCK: you’re assuming that there’s something wrong with being passionate about something, even academic matters. Passion in and of itself is incredibly attractive; people who have passion in their lives are actually very magnetic and interesting.

Consider Doctor Sweet1in the third season of Penny Dreadful – when we meet him, he launches into his love of not just taxidermy but the reason why the minutia of various animals are fascinating and amazing. Even if scorpions give you the screaming ab-dabs, it’s kind of hard not to be picked up and carried along by the strength and intensity of his fascination with them.

Being interested in languages isn’t inherently snobbish; in fact, it can be profoundly useful, especially in this increasingly cosmopolitan era. Personally, I wish I was better at speaking foreign languages; as it is, I speak English and bad English.

The trick to talking about the things you’re passionate about without either a) boring people or b) coming off as being snobby or elitist is to talk about WHY you love them. People may not be able to connect with the specific thing you’re into, but everyone can connect with emotions and excitement… so meet them on that level. Go and re-watch that scene from Mission Impossible 3 where Tom Cruise talks about traffic engineering. He’s not ashamed of his interest; instead, he explains what it is about traffic patterns that fascinate him. As a result: he’s that much more interesting and compelling to the people around him.

What is it about language that fascinates you? Is it the way that language literally controls the way we perceive the world? Is it because of how language interacts with the brain or what it tells us about the culture of the people that language comes from? Is it being able to connect with new people you might otherwise never get to know? Is it the musicality of the words, the logic of the grammar, the simplicity or complexity of the structure?

(And if you really want to blow somebody’s mind: point out how for the longest time, human cultures never had a word for “blue”. This is why Homer talks about the bronze skies of Troy and the wine-dark sea. If you put on blue-blocker sunglasses, that’s exactly how the sky and sea look…)

The thing that will turn off others – at least, people who don’t see education or intellectual curiosity as a negative – is wielding those interests like a club. If you’re coming off as talking down to somebody because they’re not a polyglot or they don’t get the intricacies of language the way you do, that is going to piss them off. But if it’s simply “this is a thing that fascinates and excites me and isn’t it amazing?” Then people will respond to your passion, even if they don’t get it to the same level you do.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 32 year old man and my fiancé is a 30 year old woman. She has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for 5 years (on and off) but are really happy in every part of our relationship, except for our sex life.

We broke up for about 6 months about a year and a half ago and we both saw other people in that time. We both realized that we really wanted to be with each other and got back together.

I think the time apart changed us for the better and the worse. We both knew that we didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but we came back kind of determined to live our lives how we wanted as we’d seen another side.

I really find her very attractive but after the first few months of being back together and having that honeymoon period again, we went through a rough sexual patch. I was hiding my true sexual needs from her and I was getting frustrated at the vanilla sex. I eventually opened up to her and funnily enough she opened up to me too. We both had similar fantasies so I presumed that we would then go on to act them out together.

The fantasies are; stag and vixen (Hotwife), threesome MMF, foursome MMFM, “cheating” etc etc. You get the idea. I was pleased!!!!

We spoke about it and I got excited. Then it turned out she didn’t want to make it a reality, she didn’t even want to compromise by pretending. She won’t role play, talk dirty, even pretend by text message that she’s into it… just to give me something. She will happily think about it to herself, watch porn about it to herself…. but any involvement with me is being “fake” or setting it up. She wants spontaneity, but not in that way. For instance, if I started talking about while we have sex she’ll get angry and tell me it’s a turn off.

I feel like I’d meet her kinky needs but she won’t try to meet mine, although she actually secretly likes what I’m into.

She wants to have sex to get orgasms. That’s it. Not to have fun. Not to grow closer. She wants me to be “a man” and get on with it. Take her to bed, have sex, explosive orgasms, then go to sleep. There’s no room for play. Experimentation.

Don’t forget we are engaged and I very much love this woman. I just don’t want have to have “boring” sex that doesn’t turn me on, when I feel like we could be having so much more fun.

We’ve gone down to sex a couple of times a month because I just can’t get excited about it. I lose my erection because to be honest it’s just so predictable that I switch off.

I read your article on sexual compatibility and it says you should compromise, but she’s not willing to do it. She said if I want that in my sex life then I should find someone else because she’s not like that. Which means I just put up with it…. but then I’m made to feel like I’m not into sex because I don’t get aroused just because she’s naked. She thinks that’s enough. I should be gagging for it.

What do I do? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us?? It’s very confusing because this is my entire life. I don’t want to throw away my relationship because of miscommunication or misunderstanding, or even social pressure to be normal!!

Thank you in advance.

Frustrated Fantasist

DEAR FRUSTRATED FANTASIST: I hate to say this FF, but your fiancé is right. If you want more than vanilla sex, then you’re going to need to be with someone else. Your fiancé has made it pretty clear where she stands: she doesn’t want to have sex the way that you do. And frankly… that’s going to be a problem.

Let’s start with what’s, ultimately, a surface issue.

There’s a pretty big disconnect between how you think of fantasies and how your fiancé thinks of fantasies. For you, your fantasies are literally what you want to do. They’re the side of you that you’ve been holding back from telling her about, lest she freak out at the idea and shame you.

Your fiancé, on the other hand, seems to see fantasies as strictly being the movie that’s running in her head in order to make her orgasm. She may get aroused by the idea of hotwifing or being part of an MMF threesome… but only by the idea, not the actuality. That’s fair; some people have fantasies that may set them off like firecrackers on the 4th of July but they would never want to (or can’t) pursue them in real life. That’s perfectly normal.

But like I said: this is ultimately a surface issue, a symptom of the bigger problem over all. And that’s that, frankly, the two of you are not sexually compatible at all. Your fiancé has a very specific relationship to sex – orgasms and pleasure, period. That’s fine. You, on the other hand, have a different relationship with sex and your sexuality. You clearly enjoy sexual activities that play around with ideas of cuckolding, infidelity and the like. That’s also fine.

However, while these are both perfectly fine relationships to sex, they mean that you two are not suited for one another. The fact of the matter is that you simply aren’t going to have the kind of sex you want with her, and the sex she wants leaves you feeling somewhat dehumanized and used and bored. There really isn’t much of a middle ground to be had, especially considering that she refuses to consider any form of compromise.

The problem is that she’s set up conditions that are impossible to meet. Threesomes, foursomes and moresomes like you and she are imagining don’t happen “spontaneously” outside of porn or people’s imaginations. The gulf between that fantasy and reality means that the odds of this ever actually happening are so remote that you’d have better odds investing your retirement funds on scratch-off tickets.

Unfortunately, you two just don’t work on a sexual level. You may be compatible emotionally and intellectually, but you simply aren’t on the same page, sexually. And that’s one hell of a big but. Missing that sexual component is going to blow up your relationship like Vesuvius on a bad day. Either one of you ends up cheating because their needs aren’t being met, or you break up again because neither of you are happy.

Sex almost always wins in the end, my dude.

Now, you could ask for an open relationship in order to get the kind of sex you require outside of the marriage, if it meant you could keep having straight vanilla sex with your wife. However, not only do I suspect your fiancé wouldn’t be down for that but let’s be honest: you’re going to have to work pretty hard to find someone who a) you’re attracted to, b) who’s down for that kind of sex and c) isn’t going to see the open marriage as a deal breaker. It’s not impossible, but you’re going to be looking for a very rare bird indeed. And to be honest, that sort of sex play tends to require a lot of trust and commitment between partners; that’s a little hard to build with someone who’s just a casual play partner.

If you’re ok with a relationship where sex and sexual compatibility just isn’t a part of your relationship, and your fiancé is willing to sign off on your finding a third… well, that is an option. I wouldn’t recommend it, though. You’re in your early 30s. That’s pretty damn young to be signing on for what is ultimately a companionate marriage.

There isn’t a miscommunication here. There’s no real misunderstanding. You two want very different things from your sex life and she isn’t willing to budge on this.

I wish I had better news for you man, but in the long run, you aren’t going to be happy with her. The best thing you can do is find someone who does want the kind of sex you want. You – and your fiancé – will be happier in the end.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23 year old man and I seem to be getting stuck with my dating life. After a few disastrous experiences I’ve turned to Tinder. I’ve met maybe 15 girls so far off this app over 4-5 months. However, none of these girls have ever been interested in meeting again after a first date, especially the 10 or so I’ve genuinely been interested in.

I’m finding it difficult to determine the problem. I don’t seem to be making any obvious or overt date mistakes – the kind that might frequently occur in Tinder date ‘horror stories’. At first I may have been nervous but that’s faded and now I’ve managed to just genuinely be myself and see what happens. It seems that rather being the subject of a ‘horror story date’ I may simply just be ‘unmemorable’.

I often simply hear “You’re a good looking guy but not my type” and “You are a really nice guy but I don’t feel any chemistry”. I know that these may just be generic rejections but it’s even come from girls I’ve thought must surely be interested based on positive body language etc. My own-self reflection on my experiences has me musing that I may be boring and not charming, not flirting enough or good at flirting, not escalating or unconsciously giving off the wrong vibes such as seeming unconfident or desperate. For example, I’ve never attempted a “first date kiss” at the end but conventional advice seems to suggest that it SHOULD be okay to wait to kiss until the 2nd or even 3rd date.

What could I be doing wrong, Dr. NerdLove? It’s hard seeing how easily people around me seem to get into relationships or have genuine interest from girls while a consistent streak of no second dates must surely signify an issue.

Stuck On First

DEAR STUCK ON FIRST: You said it yourself, SOF: you’re not flirting and you’re not making any attempts at building any chemistry or interest. It’s one thing to want to take things slowly and make sure that you’re not about to subject your date to some OKCupid nightmare, but there’s also such a thing as being SO safe that you give the wrong impression. The fact is, you’re giving off signs that you just aren’t interested in them; I imagine that they may be a little surprised that you asked for a second date at all.

Now this doesn’t mean that you need to start being Handsy McGrabsALot or trying to perform an amateur tonsillectomy with your tongue as soon as you meet your date, but you do need to give some indications that you actually want to date these women. Some of this is going to be in flirting and showing that you like them as a potential lover. You want to build that chemistry and sexual tension after all. And some of it will be showing that you want to kiss them, even if she would rather wait for a 2nd date.

But I’m gonna be honest with you dude: while there are women who don’t kiss on the first date, the majority do – at least, if the date was enjoyable. When in doubt, you can always at least make the offer and let her decide how to play things.

Now having said all that, I want you to keep in mind: despite how it may feel right now, you’re doing really well. You’ve gotten a metric ton of dates lately. That says a lot about you and your desirability. You’re at a plateau now, that’s all. You just need to work a little harder – make some mistakes and learn from them – and you’ll get break through to the next level of your dating life.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 26-year-old male who has never had a girlfriend and is a virgin. I realize this might seem weird, but various circumstances (being shy in my teenage years, not feeling ready, being busy with university, etc.) put me into this situation. Also, deep down I might subconsciously have thought “nobody would like someone as me, so why even bother?”

Reading your book and listening to your podcast made me realize that indeed there is a chance for everyone if they are just willing to take it. When 2016 turned to 2017, I made a promise to myself that I would actively make an effort to meet new girls and seek out a girlfriend. I started with Tinder and a few other dating apps and quickly realized that it wouldn’t be easy. I did not expect tons of matches, but nonetheless I had hoped for a bit more.

Using dating apps has been quite stressful, because I get so few matches (maybe a few every second week or so), but THEN it’s not guaranteed that the girls will actually answer me — ghosting has been a big issue for me.

I have tried with various opening lines such as “If you were a superhero, what super powers would you have?”, “If you had a time machine, where would you go?” I even tried out your “Soo … ninjas or pirates”, but only got a few vague responses. It seems so arbitrary. And the waiting part is the worst.

Anyway, since January I have actually managed to get on a date with four girls (just casually walking/talking in a park for a few hours). Since I have never dated anybody before, this is 400% more than I’ve ever done in my entire life, but still, I would have liked to be one more than four dates during these ~8 months since I started. With the first three girls there were no chemistry whatsoever (but hey, I learned a few things about how to date!), but then there were this fourth girl who turned out to be really nice and had a lot of common interests with me. When I walked home, I had a really good feeling. Sadly, when I later texted her saying “thank you for a good date; would you like to meet again?”, she told me that I was a nice guy but she didn’t really feel it. I was devastated, since to me it feel so close to actually have a chance for a real relationship. But knowing about the Oneitis has helped me to move on.

So … I am not sure what actual advice I am seeking other than “hang in there!”. I know that there are other ways to meet women, but I have found that going to clubs and bars is not for me, since I feel a bit awkward at such places, especially if there is loud music. I find it really difficult to casually walk up to a girl and initialize a conversation. It’s way easier for me online.

I have done many things to improve my dating profiles, both with my pictures and my bio text. I have asked for feedback both from friends and strangers online. I also used sites like Photofeeler to get a better idea of my profile pictures (I am maybe slightly-below average-looking). I also went to a forum for women and asked what they thought about my pictures. I was told that I looked like a nice, cute guy — but I looked more like a friend that they would want to hug instead of having a romantic relationship with. As if they can see my inexperience with dating in the way I look.

I never thought that finding a girlfriend would be easy, but I am feeling a bit depressed about the whole situation. I don’t think I am picky or anything; I just want a nice girlfriend who is friendly and wants to share her life with me, maybe travel around a bit, etc. I have tried so many dating apps and websites and the outcome is so minimal that it’s making me sad. The other day I actually thought about making a “Hello, would you date me?” image and share it on Facebook, hoping that somehow I would meet a girl through a common friend or something. I am in a stage where I cannot judge if this seems to desperate and would actually harm me instead.

What should I do?

Kind regards,

I Just Want To Date

DEAR I JUST WANT TO DATE: First things first my dude: congratulations! You have made huge leaps to get where you are today and that’s something you should really be proud of. You have, hands down, made progress and gotten to a point that you’d never thought you could before.

So here’s what’s going on: you’re hitting the pain period. This is the point everyone goes through when they’re starting out. You are suddenly, insanely aware of just how awkward you are at this. Like a newborn giraffe, you’re stumbling along on those spindly legs and falling down over and over again. This can be incredibly frustrating; even though intellectually you knew this was all going to take time, there was that part of you that was hoping to hit the ground running. There’s always that dream that, if you just started trying, you’d realize you would discover you had a previously undiscovered talent or superpower and now you’d be a dating phenom.

Unfortunately, while that makes for popular manga tropes and cheesy sports movies… real life doesn’t work that way. You are, for all intents and purposes, building up your social muscles. This means that not only are you NOT going to be lifting the heavier weights right off the bat, but there’s gonna be pain. You’re using muscles you’ve never used before. You’re stretching them out, pushing them past your old limitations. Just as a hard workout means you’re going to be sore the next day, you’re going to be dealing with that mix of unfamiliarity, awkwardness and anxiety that you’re feeling.

But the good news is: this starts to pass. As you get more experience, you start to get more comfortable with the process. As you start to meet more women, you quit focusing so much on The One because you realize that there is no One; as great as that person was, there’re other women out there who’re just as good and who are into what you have to offer. And just as importantly: you start to recognize your own progress and learn from it.

I mean, dude. You’re getting regular matches. Not as many as you might like, true… but you’re getting them pretty consistently. That’s good. That’s a solid start. Same with having gotten some dates. That is also good. That’s progress.

Now here’s what I want you to do. First: pare down the number of apps you’re using. Spreading your attention too far and wide is only going to make you more stressed. You only have so much mental bandwidth, and trying to pay attention to too many things at once just drains it faster. Stick to one or two at most.

Second: now that you’ve got some results, it’s time to A/B test. That is, I want you to change up your profile and see how people respond. Do you get more matches when this photo is your primary online dating photo or this one? Take some new ones – maybe with a professional photographer- and consider the story that your photos tell about you. Highlight and prioritize some areas, and deprioritize others.

You also need to consider what vibe you’re sending. Right now, you’re hearing from a lot of people saying you look like you’re cute, but more “friendly”. Some of that makes me think that you’re still being shy and hesitant and possibly giving off a neediness vibe… especially when you talk about sharing a photo on Facebook like you’re looking for a lost puppy. This is an attitude that’s going to turn women off. People have enough to deal with in their life without taking on the responsibility of managing the self-esteem of someone they don’t know yet.

You need to be willing to be more assertive and confident in your presentation. If you’re hitting the “I want a girlfriend” thing hard, try dialing it back and focusing more on sending a vibe of “I have an awesome life and I want to meet equally awesome people“. You have to believe in your own value when you want people to date you because, frankly, if you don’t, then why should they?

The other thing: stop checking your app constantly. They all have notifications; you’ll know when someone matches with you and when they respond to you. If you’re going to do the online dating thing, you need to take a “fire and forget” approach or you’re going to go insane. Not everyone is going to be online at the same time, nor are they necessarily going to respond to your message immediately. People get busy with life. They get overwhelmed with the messages they’re getting. Hell, sometimes, just getting a message makes them anxious and now they’re trying to work up the guts to respond to you. Sitting with sandwiches by your phone while you’re staring at Tinder like Gatsby staring at the buoy in the bay is going to drive you insane. Swipe a few, message a few, then close the app and go about your day. The messages will be waiting for you when you check back later after doing whatever awesome thing you’re going to be doing that day.

Don’t forget: you’re still starting out, man. You’ve made huge leaps. Don’t get down on yourself because you aren’t ready for the Olympics after your first month of training, ever.

You’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met this guy two months ago through common friends. He has been texting me ever since everyday. We have great connection and chemistry, but he never asked me out on a date.

He goes to med school and has to work at the hospital 8 hours per day so he’s kind of on a tight schedule but still he manages to make time for his friends and never asks me to come along. Sometimes he meets me wherever I am but never makes the effort to ask me out alone with him. Once I decided to stop talking to him and he sent me a huge text to understand what’s going on and to explain to me that he doesn’t want us to stop talking.

I don’t understand the mixed signals and the lack of effort and I really want him to step up his game because I’m starting to have feelings for him. What should I do in this case? And how can you explain this behavior? 

Waiting In The Wings

DEAR WAITING IN THE WINGS: There’re two things that explain his behavior.

First: dude’s in med school. That is going to take up pretty much 99.999% of his time, energy and mental bandwidth. He is being run ragged right now and that’s only going to increase as he graduates and starts interning and becoming a resident. So this means that his time is going to be on a serious premium and he’s going to be extremely careful about how he spends it.

Second: well, I hate to say this, but I don’t think he’s that into you. Don’t get me wrong: he likes you. He likes talking to you. He clearly thinks you’re cool. But there’s nothing about what his behavior that sounds like he’s actually into you on a romantic or sexual level. Men`, for the most part, are going to let you know if they’re interested in dating you. You’re going to run into the shy ones on occasion – especially when you’re dealing with nerds – but a lot of them tend to be proactive. If he’s not trying to make time for the two of you to get together, and is passively coming to see you when you ask?

That’s generally a sign that he’s not feeling the same things you are.

Now if you want to see if it’s a case of cute-but-clueless or sweet-but-shy, then you can call the question. Ask him out on a date – not “hang out”, not “maybe do something”, but a straight-up, explicit, no-way-to-misconstrue-this date. Maybe this’ll be his “come-to-Jesus” moment where he realizes that you’ve been sending signals he’s been missing. Or maybe he’ll have to give you the explicit “let’s just be friends” talk that he’s been trying to just imply up to this point.

Either way, you’ll have your answer. And then you’ll know what you need to do next.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)