DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 32 year old man and my fiancé is a 30 year old woman. She has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for 5 years (on and off) but are really happy in every part of our relationship, except for our sex life.
We broke up for about 6 months about a year and a half ago and we both saw other people in that time. We both realized that we really wanted to be with each other and got back together.
I think the time apart changed us for the better and the worse. We both knew that we didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but we came back kind of determined to live our lives how we wanted as we’d seen another side.
I really find her very attractive but after the first few months of being back together and having that honeymoon period again, we went through a rough sexual patch. I was hiding my true sexual needs from her and I was getting frustrated at the vanilla sex. I eventually opened up to her and funnily enough she opened up to me too. We both had similar fantasies so I presumed that we would then go on to act them out together.
The fantasies are; stag and vixen (Hotwife), threesome MMF, foursome MMFM, “cheating” etc etc. You get the idea. I was pleased!!!!
We spoke about it and I got excited. Then it turned out she didn’t want to make it a reality, she didn’t even want to compromise by pretending. She won’t role play, talk dirty, even pretend by text message that she’s into it… just to give me something. She will happily think about it to herself, watch porn about it to herself…. but any involvement with me is being “fake” or setting it up. She wants spontaneity, but not in that way. For instance, if I started talking about while we have sex she’ll get angry and tell me it’s a turn off.
I feel like I’d meet her kinky needs but she won’t try to meet mine, although she actually secretly likes what I’m into.
She wants to have sex to get orgasms. That’s it. Not to have fun. Not to grow closer. She wants me to be “a man” and get on with it. Take her to bed, have sex, explosive orgasms, then go to sleep. There’s no room for play. Experimentation.
Don’t forget we are engaged and I very much love this woman. I just don’t want have to have “boring” sex that doesn’t turn me on, when I feel like we could be having so much more fun.
We’ve gone down to sex a couple of times a month because I just can’t get excited about it. I lose my erection because to be honest it’s just so predictable that I switch off.
I read your article on sexual compatibility and it says you should compromise, but she’s not willing to do it. She said if I want that in my sex life then I should find someone else because she’s not like that. Which means I just put up with it…. but then I’m made to feel like I’m not into sex because I don’t get aroused just because she’s naked. She thinks that’s enough. I should be gagging for it.
What do I do? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us?? It’s very confusing because this is my entire life. I don’t want to throw away my relationship because of miscommunication or misunderstanding, or even social pressure to be normal!!
Thank you in advance.
DEAR FRUSTRATED FANTASIST: I hate to say this FF, but your fiancé is right. If you want more than vanilla sex, then you’re going to need to be with someone else. Your fiancé has made it pretty clear where she stands: she doesn’t want to have sex the way that you do. And frankly… that’s going to be a problem.
Let’s start with what’s, ultimately, a surface issue.
There’s a pretty big disconnect between how you think of fantasies and how your fiancé thinks of fantasies. For you, your fantasies are literally what you want to do. They’re the side of you that you’ve been holding back from telling her about, lest she freak out at the idea and shame you.
Your fiancé, on the other hand, seems to see fantasies as strictly being the movie that’s running in her head in order to make her orgasm. She may get aroused by the idea of hotwifing or being part of an MMF threesome… but only by the idea, not the actuality. That’s fair; some people have fantasies that may set them off like firecrackers on the 4th of July but they would never want to (or can’t) pursue them in real life. That’s perfectly normal.
But like I said: this is ultimately a surface issue, a symptom of the bigger problem over all. And that’s that, frankly, the two of you are not sexually compatible at all. Your fiancé has a very specific relationship to sex – orgasms and pleasure, period. That’s fine. You, on the other hand, have a different relationship with sex and your sexuality. You clearly enjoy sexual activities that play around with ideas of cuckolding, infidelity and the like. That’s also fine.
However, while these are both perfectly fine relationships to sex, they mean that you two are not suited for one another. The fact of the matter is that you simply aren’t going to have the kind of sex you want with her, and the sex she wants leaves you feeling somewhat dehumanized and used and bored. There really isn’t much of a middle ground to be had, especially considering that she refuses to consider any form of compromise.
The problem is that she’s set up conditions that are impossible to meet. Threesomes, foursomes and moresomes like you and she are imagining don’t happen “spontaneously” outside of porn or people’s imaginations. The gulf between that fantasy and reality means that the odds of this ever actually happening are so remote that you’d have better odds investing your retirement funds on scratch-off tickets.
Unfortunately, you two just don’t work on a sexual level. You may be compatible emotionally and intellectually, but you simply aren’t on the same page, sexually. And that’s one hell of a big but. Missing that sexual component is going to blow up your relationship like Vesuvius on a bad day. Either one of you ends up cheating because their needs aren’t being met, or you break up again because neither of you are happy.
Sex almost always wins in the end, my dude.
Now, you could ask for an open relationship in order to get the kind of sex you require outside of the marriage, if it meant you could keep having straight vanilla sex with your wife. However, not only do I suspect your fiancé wouldn’t be down for that but let’s be honest: you’re going to have to work pretty hard to find someone who a) you’re attracted to, b) who’s down for that kind of sex and c) isn’t going to see the open marriage as a deal breaker. It’s not impossible, but you’re going to be looking for a very rare bird indeed. And to be honest, that sort of sex play tends to require a lot of trust and commitment between partners; that’s a little hard to build with someone who’s just a casual play partner.
If you’re ok with a relationship where sex and sexual compatibility just isn’t a part of your relationship, and your fiancé is willing to sign off on your finding a third… well, that is an option. I wouldn’t recommend it, though. You’re in your early 30s. That’s pretty damn young to be signing on for what is ultimately a companionate marriage.
There isn’t a miscommunication here. There’s no real misunderstanding. You two want very different things from your sex life and she isn’t willing to budge on this.
I wish I had better news for you man, but in the long run, you aren’t going to be happy with her. The best thing you can do is find someone who does want the kind of sex you want. You – and your fiancé – will be happier in the end.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23 year old man and I seem to be getting stuck with my dating life. After a few disastrous experiences I’ve turned to Tinder. I’ve met maybe 15 girls so far off this app over 4-5 months. However, none of these girls have ever been interested in meeting again after a first date, especially the 10 or so I’ve genuinely been interested in.
I’m finding it difficult to determine the problem. I don’t seem to be making any obvious or overt date mistakes – the kind that might frequently occur in Tinder date ‘horror stories’. At first I may have been nervous but that’s faded and now I’ve managed to just genuinely be myself and see what happens. It seems that rather being the subject of a ‘horror story date’ I may simply just be ‘unmemorable’.
I often simply hear “You’re a good looking guy but not my type” and “You are a really nice guy but I don’t feel any chemistry”. I know that these may just be generic rejections but it’s even come from girls I’ve thought must surely be interested based on positive body language etc. My own-self reflection on my experiences has me musing that I may be boring and not charming, not flirting enough or good at flirting, not escalating or unconsciously giving off the wrong vibes such as seeming unconfident or desperate. For example, I’ve never attempted a “first date kiss” at the end but conventional advice seems to suggest that it SHOULD be okay to wait to kiss until the 2nd or even 3rd date.
What could I be doing wrong, Dr. NerdLove? It’s hard seeing how easily people around me seem to get into relationships or have genuine interest from girls while a consistent streak of no second dates must surely signify an issue.
Stuck On First
DEAR STUCK ON FIRST: You said it yourself, SOF: you’re not flirting and you’re not making any attempts at building any chemistry or interest. It’s one thing to want to take things slowly and make sure that you’re not about to subject your date to some OKCupid nightmare, but there’s also such a thing as being SO safe that you give the wrong impression. The fact is, you’re giving off signs that you just aren’t interested in them; I imagine that they may be a little surprised that you asked for a second date at all.
Now this doesn’t mean that you need to start being Handsy McGrabsALot or trying to perform an amateur tonsillectomy with your tongue as soon as you meet your date, but you do need to give some indications that you actually want to date these women. Some of this is going to be in flirting and showing that you like them as a potential lover. You want to build that chemistry and sexual tension after all. And some of it will be showing that you want to kiss them, even if she would rather wait for a 2nd date.
But I’m gonna be honest with you dude: while there are women who don’t kiss on the first date, the majority do – at least, if the date was enjoyable. When in doubt, you can always at least make the offer and let her decide how to play things.
Now having said all that, I want you to keep in mind: despite how it may feel right now, you’re doing really well. You’ve gotten a metric ton of dates lately. That says a lot about you and your desirability. You’re at a plateau now, that’s all. You just need to work a little harder – make some mistakes and learn from them – and you’ll get break through to the next level of your dating life.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, email@example.com)