DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 26-year-old male who has never had a girlfriend and is a virgin. I realize this might seem weird, but various circumstances (being shy in my teenage years, not feeling ready, being busy with university, etc.) put me into this situation. Also, deep down I might subconsciously have thought “nobody would like someone as me, so why even bother?”

Reading your book and listening to your podcast made me realize that indeed there is a chance for everyone if they are just willing to take it. When 2016 turned to 2017, I made a promise to myself that I would actively make an effort to meet new girls and seek out a girlfriend. I started with Tinder and a few other dating apps and quickly realized that it wouldn’t be easy. I did not expect tons of matches, but nonetheless I had hoped for a bit more.

Using dating apps has been quite stressful, because I get so few matches (maybe a few every second week or so), but THEN it’s not guaranteed that the girls will actually answer me — ghosting has been a big issue for me.

I have tried with various opening lines such as “If you were a superhero, what super powers would you have?”, “If you had a time machine, where would you go?” I even tried out your “Soo … ninjas or pirates”, but only got a few vague responses. It seems so arbitrary. And the waiting part is the worst.

Anyway, since January I have actually managed to get on a date with four girls (just casually walking/talking in a park for a few hours). Since I have never dated anybody before, this is 400% more than I’ve ever done in my entire life, but still, I would have liked to be one more than four dates during these ~8 months since I started. With the first three girls there were no chemistry whatsoever (but hey, I learned a few things about how to date!), but then there were this fourth girl who turned out to be really nice and had a lot of common interests with me. When I walked home, I had a really good feeling. Sadly, when I later texted her saying “thank you for a good date; would you like to meet again?”, she told me that I was a nice guy but she didn’t really feel it. I was devastated, since to me it feel so close to actually have a chance for a real relationship. But knowing about the Oneitis has helped me to move on.

So … I am not sure what actual advice I am seeking other than “hang in there!”. I know that there are other ways to meet women, but I have found that going to clubs and bars is not for me, since I feel a bit awkward at such places, especially if there is loud music. I find it really difficult to casually walk up to a girl and initialize a conversation. It’s way easier for me online.

I have done many things to improve my dating profiles, both with my pictures and my bio text. I have asked for feedback both from friends and strangers online. I also used sites like Photofeeler to get a better idea of my profile pictures (I am maybe slightly-below average-looking). I also went to a forum for women and asked what they thought about my pictures. I was told that I looked like a nice, cute guy — but I looked more like a friend that they would want to hug instead of having a romantic relationship with. As if they can see my inexperience with dating in the way I look.

I never thought that finding a girlfriend would be easy, but I am feeling a bit depressed about the whole situation. I don’t think I am picky or anything; I just want a nice girlfriend who is friendly and wants to share her life with me, maybe travel around a bit, etc. I have tried so many dating apps and websites and the outcome is so minimal that it’s making me sad. The other day I actually thought about making a “Hello, would you date me?” image and share it on Facebook, hoping that somehow I would meet a girl through a common friend or something. I am in a stage where I cannot judge if this seems to desperate and would actually harm me instead.

What should I do?

Kind regards,

I Just Want To Date

DEAR I JUST WANT TO DATE: First things first my dude: congratulations! You have made huge leaps to get where you are today and that’s something you should really be proud of. You have, hands down, made progress and gotten to a point that you’d never thought you could before.

So here’s what’s going on: you’re hitting the pain period. This is the point everyone goes through when they’re starting out. You are suddenly, insanely aware of just how awkward you are at this. Like a newborn giraffe, you’re stumbling along on those spindly legs and falling down over and over again. This can be incredibly frustrating; even though intellectually you knew this was all going to take time, there was that part of you that was hoping to hit the ground running. There’s always that dream that, if you just started trying, you’d realize you would discover you had a previously undiscovered talent or superpower and now you’d be a dating phenom.

Unfortunately, while that makes for popular manga tropes and cheesy sports movies… real life doesn’t work that way. You are, for all intents and purposes, building up your social muscles. This means that not only are you NOT going to be lifting the heavier weights right off the bat, but there’s gonna be pain. You’re using muscles you’ve never used before. You’re stretching them out, pushing them past your old limitations. Just as a hard workout means you’re going to be sore the next day, you’re going to be dealing with that mix of unfamiliarity, awkwardness and anxiety that you’re feeling.

But the good news is: this starts to pass. As you get more experience, you start to get more comfortable with the process. As you start to meet more women, you quit focusing so much on The One because you realize that there is no One; as great as that person was, there’re other women out there who’re just as good and who are into what you have to offer. And just as importantly: you start to recognize your own progress and learn from it.

I mean, dude. You’re getting regular matches. Not as many as you might like, true… but you’re getting them pretty consistently. That’s good. That’s a solid start. Same with having gotten some dates. That is also good. That’s progress.

Now here’s what I want you to do. First: pare down the number of apps you’re using. Spreading your attention too far and wide is only going to make you more stressed. You only have so much mental bandwidth, and trying to pay attention to too many things at once just drains it faster. Stick to one or two at most.

Second: now that you’ve got some results, it’s time to A/B test. That is, I want you to change up your profile and see how people respond. Do you get more matches when this photo is your primary online dating photo or this one? Take some new ones – maybe with a professional photographer- and consider the story that your photos tell about you. Highlight and prioritize some areas, and deprioritize others.

You also need to consider what vibe you’re sending. Right now, you’re hearing from a lot of people saying you look like you’re cute, but more “friendly”. Some of that makes me think that you’re still being shy and hesitant and possibly giving off a neediness vibe… especially when you talk about sharing a photo on Facebook like you’re looking for a lost puppy. This is an attitude that’s going to turn women off. People have enough to deal with in their life without taking on the responsibility of managing the self-esteem of someone they don’t know yet.

You need to be willing to be more assertive and confident in your presentation. If you’re hitting the “I want a girlfriend” thing hard, try dialing it back and focusing more on sending a vibe of “I have an awesome life and I want to meet equally awesome people“. You have to believe in your own value when you want people to date you because, frankly, if you don’t, then why should they?

The other thing: stop checking your app constantly. They all have notifications; you’ll know when someone matches with you and when they respond to you. If you’re going to do the online dating thing, you need to take a “fire and forget” approach or you’re going to go insane. Not everyone is going to be online at the same time, nor are they necessarily going to respond to your message immediately. People get busy with life. They get overwhelmed with the messages they’re getting. Hell, sometimes, just getting a message makes them anxious and now they’re trying to work up the guts to respond to you. Sitting with sandwiches by your phone while you’re staring at Tinder like Gatsby staring at the buoy in the bay is going to drive you insane. Swipe a few, message a few, then close the app and go about your day. The messages will be waiting for you when you check back later after doing whatever awesome thing you’re going to be doing that day.

Don’t forget: you’re still starting out, man. You’ve made huge leaps. Don’t get down on yourself because you aren’t ready for the Olympics after your first month of training, ever.

You’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met this guy two months ago through common friends. He has been texting me ever since everyday. We have great connection and chemistry, but he never asked me out on a date.

He goes to med school and has to work at the hospital 8 hours per day so he’s kind of on a tight schedule but still he manages to make time for his friends and never asks me to come along. Sometimes he meets me wherever I am but never makes the effort to ask me out alone with him. Once I decided to stop talking to him and he sent me a huge text to understand what’s going on and to explain to me that he doesn’t want us to stop talking.

I don’t understand the mixed signals and the lack of effort and I really want him to step up his game because I’m starting to have feelings for him. What should I do in this case? And how can you explain this behavior? 

Waiting In The Wings

DEAR WAITING IN THE WINGS: There’re two things that explain his behavior.

First: dude’s in med school. That is going to take up pretty much 99.999% of his time, energy and mental bandwidth. He is being run ragged right now and that’s only going to increase as he graduates and starts interning and becoming a resident. So this means that his time is going to be on a serious premium and he’s going to be extremely careful about how he spends it.

Second: well, I hate to say this, but I don’t think he’s that into you. Don’t get me wrong: he likes you. He likes talking to you. He clearly thinks you’re cool. But there’s nothing about what his behavior that sounds like he’s actually into you on a romantic or sexual level. Men`, for the most part, are going to let you know if they’re interested in dating you. You’re going to run into the shy ones on occasion – especially when you’re dealing with nerds – but a lot of them tend to be proactive. If he’s not trying to make time for the two of you to get together, and is passively coming to see you when you ask?

That’s generally a sign that he’s not feeling the same things you are.

Now if you want to see if it’s a case of cute-but-clueless or sweet-but-shy, then you can call the question. Ask him out on a date – not “hang out”, not “maybe do something”, but a straight-up, explicit, no-way-to-misconstrue-this date. Maybe this’ll be his “come-to-Jesus” moment where he realizes that you’ve been sending signals he’s been missing. Or maybe he’ll have to give you the explicit “let’s just be friends” talk that he’s been trying to just imply up to this point.

Either way, you’ll have your answer. And then you’ll know what you need to do next.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I found your website after searching for an answer to my problem for hours upon hours on the internet. After seeing some of the advice you gave out, I decided to give it a shot and see what you had to say about my particular problem. You had touched on it a bit in some of the other articles, but there were always key differences that just seemed to change the circumstances in my opinion. So here it goes.

I met this girl a while back through a family member she went to school with. At first we just kind of knew each other and that was about the end of it until we started to text then later hang out, always as just friends. Eventually, we got closer and closer until we were spilling every secret that we had. We both know things that nobody else in the world knows about the other. We get along great, have similar personalities, senses of humor, and interests. We became best friends without a doubt. But then she dropped a bomb on me when she said “If we were both older, you would be the guy I would want to date.”

Now before this, I had thought a bit about the whole dating thing but just dismissed it as a passing fancy. But she kept dropping little lines like this until it became more than that. Eventually, I told her that I actually had thought about it and would honestly like to date her and see where it led. But if you thought that is as thick as this plot gets, you’re sadly mistaken. During this whole time together, she has had a boyfriend.

The guy is no good for her and she complains about him constantly, but still refuses to break it off with him. This is even his third chance with her. I believe I’ve made my feelings clear about her and yet she tells me that she is afraid to be alone and that’s why she won’t just dump him. But he honestly just doesn’t even care about her. She is super easy to make happy, but he won’t even take the time to text her everyday. The only reason I know this is because we are talking on FaceTime literally every night. He won’t make sacrifices for her that I have on a regular basis, but he is still the one she stays with. But the worst part is that through all of this, she still says things about dating me, but says that I shouldn’t be as nice as I am because I’m not her boyfriend. She loves that I am chivalrous when we hang out, but gets upset when I pay for lunch or open the truck door for her. Through all of this, I’ve held back from straight out asking her to go on a date out of respect of their relationship, but at this point, I’ve become more of a boyfriend than he has ever been to her. But I’m starting to lose my mind here. I’ve already changed so much for her (quit smoking, started eating better and exercising, made new career choices, etc.) but she just refuses to give me a shot, choosing instead to stay with someone who won’t even text her good morning most of the time.

The thing is, I just have no clue what to do. I really do love her, but at the same time, I don’t want to lose her as a friend. I just don’t know if I could be JUST her friend. I know it sounds like I’m justifying my staying in this relationship by making it sound like there is a chance that we could be more than friends, but she talks about what it would be like if we were dating or if she were my girlfriend all the time. So I have a hard time believing it is all in my head. I just don’t know what I should do, or even what I can do. I would appreciate any advice you have to offer. Hopefully I’m not just completely screwed or anything.

Thanks in advance, 

Confused As Hell

DEAR CONFUSED AS HELL: I get a variation on this question basically every other week now, and they all more or less follow the same script. And when I try to be nice about what people should do or couch it in softer terms, I get a lot of arguments about why they should or shouldn’t do such and such. So, my dude I am going to give you the only advice you need right now.

Fair warning though: you’re going to hate it. You will get five lines in past the intro and rage-quit reading. You’re going to wonder why the hell you wrote in to me when you see this. But this is going to be the best advice you will ever get. It’s Chair Leg of Truth Time.

My dude, you need to make a move or get off the field already.

You need to decide if you’re going to take your shot by actually asking her out on a date or give up and move on. You’re hanging around in this limbo state, a point of quantum uncertainty where you both do and don’t have a chance. But you’re staying in this place because to make a move would collapse the quantum waveform one way or the other and, let’s just be honest: you’ve got a pretty good clue what the answer is gonna be.

Now here’s are a few things in particular I’m going to take issue with.

First:  “I’ve become more of a boyfriend than he has ever been to her”

No, man. You’ve been her friend. Maybe a close friend. Maybe an intimate, one of her confidants. That doesn’t make you a boyfriend. Don’t round this mess up just to have something to tally onto your list of grievances against her.

Next: “I’ve already changed so much for her (quit smoking, started eating better and exercising, made new career choices, etc.)” 

No. NO, no, no, no. You are not going to pass any of this off on her. Those changes you made? They’re for you. You do these things for you, because they make your life better, not because they’re your entry point into her pants. She didn’t ask you to do them. She didn’t make them a requirement for your being friends with her. She didn’t say “quit smoking, get a new career and maybe I’ll give you a chance.” You did those on your own, for you. Self-improvement isn’t something you get to pass off as “well I did these things, now you owe me a chance.”

And then: “She refuses to give me a shot.” 

No. Sorry, I’m not going to let that pass. “She refuses to give me a shot” implies that there is in some way, shape or form an obligation for her to give you an opportunity. And no. That doesn’t exist. That’s Nice Guy territory and you never want to go there, Simba.

Here’s the thing, man: she may well be miserable dating this guy. You might indeed be the kind of guy she’d want to date. But while you may be the KIND of guy want to date, you’re not THE guy she wants to date. Because, quite frankly, she isn’t dating you. It’s not as though you’ve been subtle. You’ve had these conversations. She has yet to break up with him for you, which should be all the indication that you need.

And just to head you off at the pass here: this isn’t about “women love a

holes”. If we take her at her word that she’s not happy with him and everything is awful, then the fact of the matter is that she’s not ready to leave him. And that can take a while. Leaving a relationship, even a bad one, can be freaking difficult. She’s not going to leave until she has reached the point where staying with him is worse than the alternative and that might take years. If it happens at all.

Another thing to consider: if she were to break up with him tomorrow, she’s not likely going to turn right around and date you. She’s given him three chances now. If things are that bad and she has passed on breaking up with him three times? Then she’s going to have her own stuff to work out before she’s really going to be in a place to date anyone. Even if you were a viable option, she’s going to need to be taking time away from relationships and dating in general.

Another possibility? She’s not as upset as all that.

She may be blowing off steam. She may be appreciating that she’s got you dancing in attendance on her, being the sympathetic ear to her drama.

Or what she’s saying and what you’re hearing are two different things. She may be complimenting you, but “you’re a great guy” and “you’d make someone a great boyfriend” aren’t the same thing as “you’d make a great boyfriend for me.” And if she is saying “you’d make a great boyfriend for me,” you may well be missing the silent “…if I were attracted to you.”

So.

If you’re still reading, you’re probably wondering why, having told you all of this, I told you to ask her out, lo those many paragraphs ago.

That’s because you need to cauterize this wound. Until you get your answer, until you collapse this wave, until you take a damn stand, you will spend all of your time and energy on this and never go anywhere. This relationship will eventually come to an end and in the aftermath you will realize just how much time you wasted doing nothing. By asking her out, you cut the bulls

t. You will save yourself years of moping and heartache and pain and time that you could have spent dating people who want to date you.

So it’s time to quit this passive-aggressive “well, I have feelings for you but I won’t actually ask you out” nonsense. It’s a stalling tactic. It’s not out of respect for their relationship. Trying to couch this in terms of respect is bull and you need to have more respect for yourself than to try this. You told her you have feelings and want to date her. The only difference between that and “Will you go out with me” is that one is passive. You laid it out there in hopes that she’d pick it up for you.

Well. She didn’t.

So now you have two choices.

The first is that you straight up ask her out on a date. No “well I would totally date you if.” No “I have feelings for you.” Just a straight “I want you to break up with your boyfriend and date me instead.”

The second is that you admit that she may like you, but she doesn’t like you the way you wish she did and you let this go. And that means no sticking around, trying to be her friend when you know you can’t. No waiting for her to break up with him in hopes that the window will be open long enough for you to climb in.

You end this. You forgive yourself for loving if not wisely then well and you move the hell on. 

And if she says no? Same story. You take that no for what it is: no, she doesn’t want to date you. Not “not right now”, not “no, but maybe in the future.”

It will suck. You will hate it. But you will have gotten your answer. There will be no more ambiguity. No more nights of wondering “what if”. Now you know. And in knowing, you won’t have to waste any more time on a dream that can never happen.

I know. You hate me right now. You’re angry.

But believe me: I have been where you are, I have done what you’ve done and I’ve got the emotional scars to prove it. This is what I wish someone had told me back in the day. And so, as cold as it may sound, as harsh as it is, I am giving you this advice.

Quit stalling. Ask her out and take the L that is likely in your future. Or move on.

Either way: you’ll be much happier in the long run.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 29 year old male and primarily date online these days. In my earlier twenties I read a little pick up artistry from one David De’Angelo, who liked the “Cocky and Funny” school of thought. So I would go out to local malls and such and try these sorts of techniques. I had some nice conversations but most I approached were attached. Go figure.

Anyway, I told a buddy of mine about my little experiments and he pointed out that I could approach someone who had a boyfriend, who might not take very kindly to some nerd hitting on his girl. Basically, I could get my butt kicked by a Neanderthal. Apparently this sage bit of advice sunk in because I quit approaching people offline (well, that and people online were more likely to be actually single.)

So, is this a rational fear? You’ve approached way more people than I have, so if it’s gonna happen it would have probably happened to you once or twice. Have you ever had a guy get in your face over accidentally approaching “his” girl? (I don’t like that term but for lack of a better word.)

I ask because the online method doesn’t seem to be working for me these days. It’s pretty slim pickings here. I’m in a rural area, for context. So maybe it’s time to try approaches offline, but I have major approach anxiety, in part due to this fear I have.

So what do you think?

Thanks,

Anxious in Ohio

DEAR ANXIOUS IN OHIO: In all the thousands of approaches I’ve made, in all the times I’ve approached women who had boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and very protective fathers and brothers, I have never gotten my butt kicked. Nor have I had Big Moose try to pound me flat because I tried to talk to Midge. I’ve had guys in clubs try to out “alpha male” me in weird passive-aggressive ways, but it’s never come even to threats of violence.

(I did, in fairness, once get threatened with a Lochaber axe, but that was an entirely different situation.)

In fact, I’ve had more near-misses with violence from drunks trying to pick fights, which had nothing to do with any of the women I talked to.

Also one clown with a gun. But again: entirely different situation.

Point is: most people aren’t violent. You’d be more likely to get the “you talking to my gurl” schtick in high-school than you are as a grown-ass adult and especially in places like malls. Unless you are seeking out women in astonishingly aggressive areas – trying to pick up chicks at a Hells’ Angels bar, for example – I don’t think you really have much to worry about.

99 times out of 100, if you try flirting with someone who has a boyfriend, a simple “Oh, ok, cool, sorry to bother you,” to her (seriously, women hate it when you apologize to their boyfriends for hitting on them. It suggests you see it as an insult to him) will settle things perfectly well.

And that 1 time out of 100, you can probably talk your way out of it anyway.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Yo Doc,

I’m a 20 year old straight male university student in the UK whose sexual experience amounts to two one-night-stands (one drunken incident with a friend and one Tinder date). I’ve never had an actual relationship, but not for lack of trying. Over the past couple years I’ve made numerous attempts at getting dates (most admittedly not very competently), but thus far it’s hardly ever worked.

I haven’t let myself get bogged down by this – that’s life, after all. I’m not really lonely; I have an amazing group of friends. But even so, I can’t help but get a feeling of unshakeable frustration.

Because, the thing is, at risk of sounding full of myself, I think I’m hot stuff. I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m interesting, I have passions that I wear on my sleeve, I dress fantastically, and by all accounts I’m great to talk to at parties. I’m not completely happy about my appearance (I’m quite skinny), but at the same time I wouldn’t say I’m ugly.

Which brings me to my question: why is it that I’m still the one who has to make the first move? Why do I have to be the seeker? Why can’t I be the sought? No one’s ever asked me out. I’ve never perceived any woman assertively pursue me, or even just approach me. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, and maybe I am. At parties, I try to be as social as possible, talking to everyone at least once. In the club, I don’t know how to approach people. On Tinder, I get hardly any matches. When I’ve gotten numbers (via Tinder or otherwise) I’ve frequently noticed them not putting in the effort that I am – it’s always me who seems to be beginning conversations.

I know that centuries of social tradition have conditioned us to expect that the man should be the assertive one who makes the first move. I’ve tried, I’ve failed, and now what I really want more than anything is to be the prize. But no one’s chasing me.

How do I deal with this frustration and disheartenment at the fact that, as well as me being seemingly inept at pursuing relationships with people, no one seems interested in pursuing me?

Regards,

The Good and Bad, but not Ugly

DEAR THE GOOD AND BAD BUT NOT UGLY: I’m gonna be blunt with you, GBNU: the main reason why men have to do the majority of the approaching is because gender roles are still a thing and societies adhering to them so strongly makes it difficult for women who flout those roles. A lot of women would love to be more proactive when it comes to finding a partner, including being the one to make the first move. The problem is that a lot of guys react badly to women who make the first move. Some guys assume far more interest than women actually have because hey, she’s the one making the first move! Women never do that, she must be thirsty as hell. Others get angry because she must be a whore or trying to trick them or just, y’know. Existing.

Either way, this tends to end badly for women since when guys get angry they tend to react with violence.

The other reason why women don’t approach is because they’re dealing with all the same anxieties and fears you are. Sometimes doubly so because guys don’t get hit with the social whammy of being seen as slutty and/or an incipient bunny boiler for being the person to actually make the first move.

If you want a society where women feel freer to be as active in starting relationships, then you should be working to help build a relationship where they feel safer in doing so, both physically and socially.

Now this doesn’t mean that there aren’t ways of making yourself more approachable. One of the mistakes a lot of guys make is that they assume that women are entirely passive when it comes to dating. Not so; women do a lot of work to make it easier for men to approach them. It’s just that men often don’t notice that effort. Women who are interested in a guy will go out of their way to give that guy signals that she’d welcome his coming to talk to her and she’ll create an opportunity for him to do so. It may not be as flashy and obvious as crossing the room to talk to somebody, but it’s still work, even if people don’t acknowledge it as such.

If you want women to approach you, then you need to take a page from their book and give them similar openings. You know how you feel intimidated to approach a woman when she’s surrounded by her friends? She feels the same way about you. When you’re hanging around in a tight, closed group, she’s far less likely to want to come over and say hello. Nobody likes getting rejected and doubly so if it’s in front of an audience. Taking a step or two away to create the illusion of privacy works wonders for letting people feel as though they’re safe to come talk to you now.

Similarly, you can give them approach invitations. When you see someone you’re interested in – especially if she’s giving you the eye – meeting her gaze and giving her a smile or an acknowledgement that you saw her looking and you approve is one way of signaling that it’s cool to come talk to you. You can even give a slight head nod or eyebrow flash that can say “come say hi”.

That all having been said: it sounds to me that your problem is that you’re tired of things not working and you want someone else to validate you by working for your attention. This is an understandable feeling; it sucks when it feels like you’ve got a lot going for you but it’s still not working. However, the answer isn’t to just throw your hands up and say “Screw it, ladies do the work for me!” ‘cuz honestly? You’re not going to be getting any better results. All that’s going to happen is that you’re going to get more bitter and resentful and blaming other people for how you feel.

The things that make you more approachable – warmth, friendliness, social engagement and fun – are the same things that make you more successful when you’re the one doing the approaching.

Don’t get me wrong. Your frustration is understandable. However, I suspect the reason you’re having problems is because of the way you go about things. Clubs may not be your home, as it were. You may be pursuing people you’re not actually compatible with. You may not be giving your Tinder matches enough to work with. Or you may be sending off the Piss Off signal with your expression or body language.

What you may need to do is spend more time working on how you’re coming across. Work on projecting warmth, friendliness and fun. Do a little less pursuit and fewer cold approaches and more connecting with people when you talk to them. These will make you more successful over all, regardless of whether you’re the one making the first move or giving other people the go ahead to approach you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: ne of my closest male friends, let’s call him F, just recently finished therapy after a major depressive breakdown. He was doing better but still wasn’t a hundred percent there yet.

My other friends and me did our very best to be a strong support system for him. Like we made regular plans, checked in on him at least every second day via text and tried to do what’s best for all of us as a group because what happened to him affected us all.

Now while F was in therapy, my best friend got a girlfriend who brought some of her friends into our group. We all got along very well and they integrated in seamlessly. One of those friends is M. She is in her early thirties and a bit older than all of us (early to mid-twenties) but that never bothered us. Another important information is that M is married and although we were introduced to her husband at a party she hosted, he isn’t part of “the regular gang”.

When F got out of therapy we introduced him to our new friends and everything seemed fine at first. We had our friendly get-togethers, got to know each other better and F seemed to feel better and better each time we met. F and M bonded over many common interests and one thing lead to another and they ended up in bed together despite her being married (and I know that she isn’t in an open relationship because we once had a discussion about polygamy in which she stated to be a monogamist).

A one-night-mistake turned into a fling and that fling soon turned into a full-blown affair. They are also very bad at hiding it because she gives him hickeys, scratch marks and what have you. He would do that to her too if she wasn’t hiding the affair from her husband, whom she has no interest in leaving because she’s from a conservative family where divorce isn’t an option and she apparently still cares about her husband.

We talked to F about our concerns that she was maybe just using him and that it probably wasn’t the best thing to be with a married woman in the first place. He assured us that all was well because the sex is great, there were no feelings involved and he pretty much denied that there would be consequences.

We had that talk two weeks ago and we stopped addressing their relationship after that. After all, they are both consenting adults who made a conscious decision. Things went as usual up until this Saturday when we celebrated M’s birthday.

F gifted her a very expensive necklace that she had her eyes on for a while and she accepted the gift with little to no hesitation (well in my book squealing “Your crazy!” and then kissing him isn’t anything near hesitation, but I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt…).

That night we all had our fair amount of booze and while I handled myself quite well, F got wasted! We shared a taxi home and there he confessed to me that M is his dream girl and that he loves her and that she always complained to him about her husband and how much better he would treat her.

I tried to talk to him the next day but he did not take my calls and when we met yesterday with some other friends he ignored me.

I saw now how miserable this affair made him and knowing about how fragile his mental state still is I am worried sick. I don’t want to be pushy or make him uncomfortable but I feel like I have to do something to get him out of this misery. Should I talk to M? Should I keep trying to confront F? Should I talk to a therapist about this? Should I just resign and try to accept that I can’t do anything to help my friend?

I hope you can help. Thank you so much in advance.

– To Move Or Not To Move

DEAR TO MOVE OR NOT TO MOVE: This is a question I get surprisingly often, TMoNTM. It’s really frustrating to see one our friends who seems to be determined to go down on the HMS Douchebag all the way to the bottom of the Atlantic. The problem is that, as I’ve said before, love isn’t just blind, it also sticks its fingers in its ears and yells “LALALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” There are many times when people in awful relationships will actively fight to stay in them, deliberately choosing to turn a blind eye to the screamingly obvious stake-lined pits and bear traps around them. Worse, the harder you push them, the more they dig in their heels. This relationship is core to who they are and challenging this just invokes the Backfire Effect. They don’t want to admit that things are bad, so they’ll just double-down instead even in the face of contradictory evidence.

This is a lousy situation because there’s no win condition here. There really is no way to Kobiyashi Maru your way out of this. M isn’t going to listen to reason. She knows what she’s doing. She’s flaunting her affair with F in her husband’s face. Maybe he’s getting off on being cuckolded, maybe it’s an incredibly toxic relationship, but she’s being increasingly blatant about things and that’s not a mindset that lends itself well to being receptive to someone saying “listen, you’re hurting my friend.”

Plus: all that’s going to happen is that she’s going to tell F what you said and that’s going to cause drama.

Talking to F isn’t going to be much better because… well, dude’s sexdrunk. He’s getting laid, he’s getting the crazy new-relationship-energy high from this even as he knows that she’s not going to leave her husband. Pushing him to leave her is just going to make him dig in harder.

And this is frustrating because you and your crew have been really good friends to F. You’ve been there when he needed you consistently and supporting him as best as you can. But you can’t save a dude who doesn’t want to be saved. As much as you may want to yank him back from the volcano’s edge, dude is just gonna keep tap-dancing on the rim until either he falls in or turns around and walks away.

So here’s what you do, TMoNTM: you have one last convo with F about this. And make it clear: this is the last time you are going to have this conversation. When you do, you don’t tell him that he’s screwing up or that this is going to hurt him. You lead him to it. You reaffirm his feelings and that yes, he loves her. But… is she treating him well? After all, doesn’t it seem like she’s taunting her husband by carrying on so openly? Doesn’t it seem a little mean to be doing that? Is that the behavior of someone who’s kind and respectful? And how would he feel if that happened to him? What does he think may happen when her husband gets tired of the game?

Maybe he’ll get the point, maybe he won’t. But you can at least let him know that you’re concerned about him and how this is affecting him and that you’ll be there for him when – not if, when – this blows up. And then you let it go. As frustrating as it may be, you have to let him be a grown-ass adult to make his own mistakes.

And when it blows up and he needs you all again? Don’t – I repeat, don’t – say “I told you so”. He’s going to feel awful enough as it is. Rubbing it in will just make things worse.

You’re a good person, TMoNTM. You and your crew are the friends that F needs. Keep being awesome, because the world needs more awesome people.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)