DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Yo Doc,

I’m a 20 year old straight male university student in the UK whose sexual experience amounts to two one-night-stands (one drunken incident with a friend and one Tinder date). I’ve never had an actual relationship, but not for lack of trying. Over the past couple years I’ve made numerous attempts at getting dates (most admittedly not very competently), but thus far it’s hardly ever worked.

I haven’t let myself get bogged down by this – that’s life, after all. I’m not really lonely; I have an amazing group of friends. But even so, I can’t help but get a feeling of unshakeable frustration.

Because, the thing is, at risk of sounding full of myself, I think I’m hot stuff. I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m interesting, I have passions that I wear on my sleeve, I dress fantastically, and by all accounts I’m great to talk to at parties. I’m not completely happy about my appearance (I’m quite skinny), but at the same time I wouldn’t say I’m ugly.

Which brings me to my question: why is it that I’m still the one who has to make the first move? Why do I have to be the seeker? Why can’t I be the sought? No one’s ever asked me out. I’ve never perceived any woman assertively pursue me, or even just approach me. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, and maybe I am. At parties, I try to be as social as possible, talking to everyone at least once. In the club, I don’t know how to approach people. On Tinder, I get hardly any matches. When I’ve gotten numbers (via Tinder or otherwise) I’ve frequently noticed them not putting in the effort that I am – it’s always me who seems to be beginning conversations.

I know that centuries of social tradition have conditioned us to expect that the man should be the assertive one who makes the first move. I’ve tried, I’ve failed, and now what I really want more than anything is to be the prize. But no one’s chasing me.

How do I deal with this frustration and disheartenment at the fact that, as well as me being seemingly inept at pursuing relationships with people, no one seems interested in pursuing me?

Regards,

The Good and Bad, but not Ugly

DEAR THE GOOD AND BAD BUT NOT UGLY: I’m gonna be blunt with you, GBNU: the main reason why men have to do the majority of the approaching is because gender roles are still a thing and societies adhering to them so strongly makes it difficult for women who flout those roles. A lot of women would love to be more proactive when it comes to finding a partner, including being the one to make the first move. The problem is that a lot of guys react badly to women who make the first move. Some guys assume far more interest than women actually have because hey, she’s the one making the first move! Women never do that, she must be thirsty as hell. Others get angry because she must be a whore or trying to trick them or just, y’know. Existing.

Either way, this tends to end badly for women since when guys get angry they tend to react with violence.

The other reason why women don’t approach is because they’re dealing with all the same anxieties and fears you are. Sometimes doubly so because guys don’t get hit with the social whammy of being seen as slutty and/or an incipient bunny boiler for being the person to actually make the first move.

If you want a society where women feel freer to be as active in starting relationships, then you should be working to help build a relationship where they feel safer in doing so, both physically and socially.

Now this doesn’t mean that there aren’t ways of making yourself more approachable. One of the mistakes a lot of guys make is that they assume that women are entirely passive when it comes to dating. Not so; women do a lot of work to make it easier for men to approach them. It’s just that men often don’t notice that effort. Women who are interested in a guy will go out of their way to give that guy signals that she’d welcome his coming to talk to her and she’ll create an opportunity for him to do so. It may not be as flashy and obvious as crossing the room to talk to somebody, but it’s still work, even if people don’t acknowledge it as such.

If you want women to approach you, then you need to take a page from their book and give them similar openings. You know how you feel intimidated to approach a woman when she’s surrounded by her friends? She feels the same way about you. When you’re hanging around in a tight, closed group, she’s far less likely to want to come over and say hello. Nobody likes getting rejected and doubly so if it’s in front of an audience. Taking a step or two away to create the illusion of privacy works wonders for letting people feel as though they’re safe to come talk to you now.

Similarly, you can give them approach invitations. When you see someone you’re interested in – especially if she’s giving you the eye – meeting her gaze and giving her a smile or an acknowledgement that you saw her looking and you approve is one way of signaling that it’s cool to come talk to you. You can even give a slight head nod or eyebrow flash that can say “come say hi”.

That all having been said: it sounds to me that your problem is that you’re tired of things not working and you want someone else to validate you by working for your attention. This is an understandable feeling; it sucks when it feels like you’ve got a lot going for you but it’s still not working. However, the answer isn’t to just throw your hands up and say “Screw it, ladies do the work for me!” ‘cuz honestly? You’re not going to be getting any better results. All that’s going to happen is that you’re going to get more bitter and resentful and blaming other people for how you feel.

The things that make you more approachable – warmth, friendliness, social engagement and fun – are the same things that make you more successful when you’re the one doing the approaching.

Don’t get me wrong. Your frustration is understandable. However, I suspect the reason you’re having problems is because of the way you go about things. Clubs may not be your home, as it were. You may be pursuing people you’re not actually compatible with. You may not be giving your Tinder matches enough to work with. Or you may be sending off the Piss Off signal with your expression or body language.

What you may need to do is spend more time working on how you’re coming across. Work on projecting warmth, friendliness and fun. Do a little less pursuit and fewer cold approaches and more connecting with people when you talk to them. These will make you more successful over all, regardless of whether you’re the one making the first move or giving other people the go ahead to approach you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: ne of my closest male friends, let’s call him F, just recently finished therapy after a major depressive breakdown. He was doing better but still wasn’t a hundred percent there yet.

My other friends and me did our very best to be a strong support system for him. Like we made regular plans, checked in on him at least every second day via text and tried to do what’s best for all of us as a group because what happened to him affected us all.

Now while F was in therapy, my best friend got a girlfriend who brought some of her friends into our group. We all got along very well and they integrated in seamlessly. One of those friends is M. She is in her early thirties and a bit older than all of us (early to mid-twenties) but that never bothered us. Another important information is that M is married and although we were introduced to her husband at a party she hosted, he isn’t part of “the regular gang”.

When F got out of therapy we introduced him to our new friends and everything seemed fine at first. We had our friendly get-togethers, got to know each other better and F seemed to feel better and better each time we met. F and M bonded over many common interests and one thing lead to another and they ended up in bed together despite her being married (and I know that she isn’t in an open relationship because we once had a discussion about polygamy in which she stated to be a monogamist).

A one-night-mistake turned into a fling and that fling soon turned into a full-blown affair. They are also very bad at hiding it because she gives him hickeys, scratch marks and what have you. He would do that to her too if she wasn’t hiding the affair from her husband, whom she has no interest in leaving because she’s from a conservative family where divorce isn’t an option and she apparently still cares about her husband.

We talked to F about our concerns that she was maybe just using him and that it probably wasn’t the best thing to be with a married woman in the first place. He assured us that all was well because the sex is great, there were no feelings involved and he pretty much denied that there would be consequences.

We had that talk two weeks ago and we stopped addressing their relationship after that. After all, they are both consenting adults who made a conscious decision. Things went as usual up until this Saturday when we celebrated M’s birthday.

F gifted her a very expensive necklace that she had her eyes on for a while and she accepted the gift with little to no hesitation (well in my book squealing “Your crazy!” and then kissing him isn’t anything near hesitation, but I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt…).

That night we all had our fair amount of booze and while I handled myself quite well, F got wasted! We shared a taxi home and there he confessed to me that M is his dream girl and that he loves her and that she always complained to him about her husband and how much better he would treat her.

I tried to talk to him the next day but he did not take my calls and when we met yesterday with some other friends he ignored me.

I saw now how miserable this affair made him and knowing about how fragile his mental state still is I am worried sick. I don’t want to be pushy or make him uncomfortable but I feel like I have to do something to get him out of this misery. Should I talk to M? Should I keep trying to confront F? Should I talk to a therapist about this? Should I just resign and try to accept that I can’t do anything to help my friend?

I hope you can help. Thank you so much in advance.

– To Move Or Not To Move

DEAR TO MOVE OR NOT TO MOVE: This is a question I get surprisingly often, TMoNTM. It’s really frustrating to see one our friends who seems to be determined to go down on the HMS Douchebag all the way to the bottom of the Atlantic. The problem is that, as I’ve said before, love isn’t just blind, it also sticks its fingers in its ears and yells “LALALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” There are many times when people in awful relationships will actively fight to stay in them, deliberately choosing to turn a blind eye to the screamingly obvious stake-lined pits and bear traps around them. Worse, the harder you push them, the more they dig in their heels. This relationship is core to who they are and challenging this just invokes the Backfire Effect. They don’t want to admit that things are bad, so they’ll just double-down instead even in the face of contradictory evidence.

This is a lousy situation because there’s no win condition here. There really is no way to Kobiyashi Maru your way out of this. M isn’t going to listen to reason. She knows what she’s doing. She’s flaunting her affair with F in her husband’s face. Maybe he’s getting off on being cuckolded, maybe it’s an incredibly toxic relationship, but she’s being increasingly blatant about things and that’s not a mindset that lends itself well to being receptive to someone saying “listen, you’re hurting my friend.”

Plus: all that’s going to happen is that she’s going to tell F what you said and that’s going to cause drama.

Talking to F isn’t going to be much better because… well, dude’s sexdrunk. He’s getting laid, he’s getting the crazy new-relationship-energy high from this even as he knows that she’s not going to leave her husband. Pushing him to leave her is just going to make him dig in harder.

And this is frustrating because you and your crew have been really good friends to F. You’ve been there when he needed you consistently and supporting him as best as you can. But you can’t save a dude who doesn’t want to be saved. As much as you may want to yank him back from the volcano’s edge, dude is just gonna keep tap-dancing on the rim until either he falls in or turns around and walks away.

So here’s what you do, TMoNTM: you have one last convo with F about this. And make it clear: this is the last time you are going to have this conversation. When you do, you don’t tell him that he’s screwing up or that this is going to hurt him. You lead him to it. You reaffirm his feelings and that yes, he loves her. But… is she treating him well? After all, doesn’t it seem like she’s taunting her husband by carrying on so openly? Doesn’t it seem a little mean to be doing that? Is that the behavior of someone who’s kind and respectful? And how would he feel if that happened to him? What does he think may happen when her husband gets tired of the game?

Maybe he’ll get the point, maybe he won’t. But you can at least let him know that you’re concerned about him and how this is affecting him and that you’ll be there for him when – not if, when – this blows up. And then you let it go. As frustrating as it may be, you have to let him be a grown-ass adult to make his own mistakes.

And when it blows up and he needs you all again? Don’t – I repeat, don’t – say “I told you so”. He’s going to feel awful enough as it is. Rubbing it in will just make things worse.

You’re a good person, TMoNTM. You and your crew are the friends that F needs. Keep being awesome, because the world needs more awesome people.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a man of trans experience in my thirties who is recently out of a polyamorous, long-term relationship. That relationship overlapped with my social and medical transition. It was my first poly relationship. I learned how to do consent well in it (sadly, through some big mistakes), came to terms with my bisexuality & kink, learned communication skills, etc. It was also fraught with tension: she felt invisible as a queer femme coupled with a man, struggled with my physical changes, we had different views on poly, and, I’m coming to realize, she engaged in what I would label “verbal abuse” if it happened to a friend of mine. I grew up in an emotionally abusive family and, surprise, repeated a lot of those cycles here.

I’m doing the things I need to for recovery: finding friends who treat me well, therapy, staying active, not contacting her. I’ve quit alcohol entirely, and I’m committed to avoiding Serious Dating for another year while I date myself, basically.

Here’s the thing, though, I’m grappling with a lot of guilt over the mistakes I made in that relationship, guilt over feeling like I may want a monogamous relationship (I “should” be able to do poly! Monogamy = evidence of my misogyny!), as well as anxiety that I can ever know when it’s a good time for me to start dating again. I know waiting until I’m “perfect” is a recipe for disaster, but I’ve dipped my toes into casual dates and found incredible anxiety accompanies it – I’m waiting for my date to insult me, or to rebuff physical advances even when they’ve been clearly agreed upon, or when she’s flirting & touching me. Throw into that the step of disclosure (which I haven’t done yet on any casual dates) and I’m left both really wanting a warm, intimate, relationship, and terrified I can’t do/won’t find/don’t deserve one.

Any advice?

Anxious & Guilty

DEAR ANXIOUS & GUILTY: You’ve had a long and rough road, and being in an abusive relationship – especially coming on top of a background of abuse and estrangement –  just made it worse. You went through the sh*t, man. You basically decided to play Relationships on Hard Mode without even the benefit of a New Game + save. The fact that you’ve come through it mostly intact, without a layer of callus on your soul is a testament to your strength and your willpower. This is something to be proud of.

Yeah, you’ve got some nasty scars but goddamn, you made it through. The fact that you can look back – even on a relationship that was as damaging and messed up as it was – and see how much you’ve learned and grown from it is admirable. That’s something people have a hard time doing when they broke up because one of them would clip his toenails in bed! You, sir, have my sincerest respect.

Also, I can’t emphasize this enough: you are doing everything right. You are taking care of yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally. You’re on the right path. Find some friends who are firmly on Team You to give you the support when you need it and keep bending that indomitable will of yours towards working on your recovery.

But there’s one thing you’re not doing. And I’m not going to lie: it may be the hardest thing for you to do. But it’s also necessary.

You need to forgive yourself.

Seriously. You were in an awful relationship! Even if she hadn’t been abusive, it wouldn’t have worked out for the two of you; you were fundamentally incompatible on just about every level!

Right now you’re dealing with a lot of internalized anger that your ex dropped on you, because she couldn’t mold you into her perfect partner.

It’s perfectly ok to want to be monogamous! I know I talk about monogamy not being natural or easy, but polyamory isn’t some magically superior state of relationships and monogamy isn’t inherently evil, misogynistic, selfish, or otherwise some indication that you’re one of the Impure. Just as someone who isn’t good at monogamy shouldn’t try to force themselves into a monogamous relationship, someone who has issues with polyamory shouldn’t be feeling bad because he or she isn’t going to be happy in a triad, quad or what-have-you.

(Believe me, I’ve seen what happens when one arm of a triad gets dragged into poly kicking and screaming and brother, it ain’t pretty.)

You made mistakes in your previous relationship. So have I. So has everybody else. We all screw up. Sometimes it’s something we can recover from easily. Sometimes it’s a relationship ending event and there’s no getting away without blood, tears and recrimination. It happens. The key is that you learn from it, so you don’t make those mistakes again. Sometimes you can make amends. Other times (like, say, when you were in an abusive relationship with some bastard who went out of her way to hurt you) it’s better just to cut ties and put it firmly in your past.

But you have to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being imperfect. For letting yourself get hurt. For not loving wisely. For making mistakes.

As for the rest of your question, well… I’m going to be honest here: I don’t think you’re ready for even casual dating right now. Those wounds are too raw, those scars too fresh. You have to give yourself more time to heal, otherwise you risk reopening those wounds and doing yourself further injury. You’re like a runner with a ripped tendon who’s started his physical therapy and is impatient to get back on the track. But you keep feeling those deep, sharp twinges when you start to walk, never mind run. Trying to run again so soon is just going to undo all the work you put into getting your ankle fixed up, maybe damaging it even worse this time.

Just as some injuries require physical therapy and recovery time, some require emotional therapy and recovery. Those twinges, the anxiety and emotional flinching you’re doing are a sign that you’re not quite there yet. You need to do some more emotional rehab and then slowly, gently ease your way back into the dating scene. And hey, believe me, there’s no shame in wanting love, companionship and intimacy. That’s natural and understandable. We all want that. But it doesn’t do you any good to pursue those if it just means you’re going to hurt yourself even more in the process.

So take that year you mentioned. Spend it rehabbing your heart and soul. Rebuild your life, surround yourself with friends who love and care for you; this will help fill the void you’re feeling, even though it fill it completely. And when that year’s winding to a close, SLOWLY work your way back into the dating scene. Don’t jump back in assuming you can pick up where you left off; you’re going to have to rebuild those old muscles from the ground up again. It’ll be slow going. It’ll be frustrating. You’ll grind your teeth because you were able to do this before, why the hell can’t you do it now? But you’ll get there. Love, sex, intimacy… they’ll all be waiting for you, right when you’re ready for them.

You’re going to be OK.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 11 months, but we’ve known each other for roughly 4 years (met in college, didn’t get together until later for various reasons). Things have been great, and I love her, but I’m not sure I’m “in love with her”. It’s hard to tell, because she’s so sure that I’m “the one”, and I’m fairly certain she can be as well. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with her, but the problem is that I feel like she loves me more than I love her. Or something. She tells me about dreams that she has where I’m in the them, and I don’t really get that. I also don’t have that fire to be with her all the time, like I’m supposed to(?). I do think she’s super cool, we get along really well, and we’ve both worked at our relationship to make it work, since it’s long-distance-ish at about an hour and a half away.

The bad part is, we already said we were in love with each other a while back, but recently I told her how I feel about this. She told me she was disappointed in me, and it was one of the worst things I could’ve told her (I’m well aware that I messed up super royally, and that this is one of the worst things I could’ve done). I told her we could either break up, or we could take things back a bit, and let me see if I’ll develop this burning passion she seems to have. She countered with that it’s been 11 months, and if I was going to get it, shouldn’t I have already? After much going back and forth, we decided that we’ll talk in a week, and we’ll either figure out how to give each other’s stuff back, or how to continue with our relationship. 

Neither one of us wants to break up, because we both love each other, but we think we may have to. I feel like if I can’t return that burning love she feels for me, then it’s not right to stay with her. However, I’m not sure if (like she suggested) maybe I am in love with her, but I don’t have that burning passion. Maybe my love is a little more cool. Again, I don’t want to end this relationship with her. Not because I’m afraid of being alone, or because we get along so well and its easy, but because I want her. I love her, without a doubt. I just don’t understand why I don’t have this burning passion that I’m supposed to have, or get butterflies in my stomach when I see her. 

No idea what to do Doc. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

Sincerely,

A Fool In Love(?)

DEAR A FOOL IN LOVE: That burning, driving passion your girlfriend is talking about? That’s not love, that’s infatuation. It’s a total rush of passion and sexual desire and novelty that feels almost overpowering at times. It’s like a chemical high – and there’s a lot of chemicals involved, oxytocin, dopamine, and norepinephrine firing off and flying straight to the pleasure centers of your brain. It feels amazing and, if you’re inexperienced, it can feel a lot like love… but it’s not.

Infatuation is part of the “honeymoon period” of every relationship, when everything is new and amazing and enthralling… but it’s also temporary. Infatuation fades, usually within six months to a year. For a lot of people, this is when they start to panic; they assume that love means you’re in this blissful state all the time and if you’re not… OMGSOMETHINGISWRONG!!

But that’s how relationships work; infatuation is the ignition that starts the engine, not the actual car. It promotes emotional bonding between the partners that lasts even when the passion ebbs – and it will. Love is more like an incredibly deep, intense friendship, an intense bond with someone you couldn’t have with just anyone. Love is when someone simply completes you, when you realize that even when you fight and argue and resent one another, you’d rather have them at your side than anyone else.

Now in your specific situation… well, that’s going to be tricky. Your girlfriend seems to have a view that infatuation is what defines love and if you don’t both have it in equal measure then everything is ruined. And honestly, that speaks more to her love of drama than to the state of your relationship. It may well be that you’re not as passionate a person as she is. That’s perfectly fine; sometimes a passionate person needs a more level-headed partner to even her out, while the more phlegmatic one needs someone with passion to spur him on. This speaks more to your personalities than to who loves whom more.

It could also be that you love her but you may not be as attracted to her, physically, as she is to you. If that’s the case… well, you’re going to run into issues down the line. Or it could be just that the distance means you don’t get as worked up as she does and when you’re together in person you’re like a house on fire.

I suspect the real issue isn’t going to be your feelings, but your girlfriend’s perception of them. Telling you that she’s disappointed in you is unfair, especially when you’re trying to communicate with her honestly and openly about your feelings. She’s essentially shaming you for being honest and for not conforming to her exact ideas of what your relationship should be and that is not a healthy basis for a relationship. She seems to have expectations that you don’t necessarily share, and blaming you for not meeting them – and dismissing your very valid and real feelings – is going to break you up far faster than whether or not you’re as equally passionate as she is.

And to be perfectly honest, if that’s the case, then you probably should break up because frankly, all that’s going to happen is that she’s going to insist you don’t love her as much as she loves you and you’re going to break yourself to pieces trying to prove that you do.

You need to use your words. Explain to her how you feel, that you love her, that you need her and you want her, but your form of love is quiet and calm (not “cooler”, which makes it sound inferior) but no less deep for the lack of drama. To put it another way, she’s Willow, you’re Oz; just because you’re not leaping off buildings declaring your eternal love doesn’t mean you don’t care.

(Yes, I know Willow was gay. Just roll with it.)

If she can’t (or won’t) respect that… well, then I hate to say it, but it’s better to break up now than to make yourselves more miserable in the future.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I are relative newcomers to the idea of enthusiastic consent. Unfortunately, this realization came five years into our relationship. And the last two years have been spent trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. Well, really they’ve been spent just trying to understand what the hell even happened. Not much in the way of humpty dumpty going on (much to his chagrin).

Now we’ve both bought into the idea of enthusiastic consent. But the problem is that it’s very difficult for me to be enthusiastic after so much overlooked unenthusiasm. And my boyfriend generally interprets a lack of enthusiasm as a lack of love or caring.

I recognize that both of our actions have a lot to do with social conditioning—the “gatekeeper model,” as you’ve described it. We were both working in this framework of the man getting what he can and the woman giving what was owed.

Some background:

There was a long stretch in our relationship where I was really miserable having sex with him. I would have it mostly because I felt some obligation to. He would request sex, but wasn’t excessively pushy about it. But because of my family history (and social expectations at large), I am extremely sensitive to the needs of others, and it would take very little for me to feel guilty about not meeting his needs. But my own emotional and physical needs were completely invisible to him — I didn’t offer, and he didn’t ask.

I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t understand why someone I used to enjoy being close to now repulsed me. I didn’t even know I had needs, or that they weren’t being met. And I feel SO STUPID now for not recognizing more of this at the time. But all I knew was that I hated having sex—I would just lay there and zone out, waiting for things to finish. All the while, I could see in him that, from his perspective, he was enjoying an intimate and caring experience. And I would feel both glad that he was happy, and also furious that he could be so oblivious to what this was like for me.

After years of there being “something wrong” with our sex life, I was finally able to start to tell him how I was feeling. An old Jezebel article called “Workshopping Rape” and the accompanying comments helped crystallize the situation for me — so many stories of sex that lacked enthusiastic consent and made women feel used and unloved. That had been happening to me too, and I didn’t even know it!

We went through some couples counseling, which really helped us to communicate better. I’m finally starting to recognize my own feelings and starting to be able to communicate them. Though I still often feel like I am overreacting – shouldn’t I just give him a whatever-job and get over it?

But now what? My partner now understands that he’s hurt me. And he feels terrible about it. When we talk about it, he says it was the worst mistake of his life to not care for me in the way that he should have. Although it was very difficult for me to convince him that this was necessary, we have cut way back on any physical touching. And the only touching now is when I initiate it. Sadly, I don’t yet feel comfortable enough to initiate intercourse. He insists that he doesn’t want to do anything that I don’t want to do. And I go back and forth on believing this. 

But he also says that he is hurting so badly – he is hurting because he needs to feel loved. He says he needs physical affection. But, even just touching his arm will sometimes make my heart race or fill my stomach with dread. He thinks that now I am hurting him. Sometimes he feels like I am punishing him, but he also has moments of enlightenment where he realizes that’s not true. But he can’t stop feeling hurt, and he thinks it’s important for me to hear that and be sympathetic. It is very very hard for me to be sympathetic.

I do believe that he has good intentions – that he wants to treat me well, and that with the right guidance he can learn how to. I understand that it’s not easy being a socially-awkward nerd-dude. But it’s not easy being a less-socially-awkward nerd-girl either!

He has already made tremendous strides since we started talking more honestly about all of these things. He is a nice guy, but no one ever taught him how to approach sex as a collaborative endeavor. And based on the portrayals of sex in popular culture, everything was going as it should. We both believed that. But, for me, it was making me feel ignored and powerless. Thanks a lot pop culture! 

We both want to have collaborative and reciprocal sex. But we’re not sure how. Any suggestions for how to move forward from here? We can’t be the only ones, right? Or has our past unenlightenment doomed any hope of a future filled with enthusiastic consent? 

Looking Ahead

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: This is a tough one, Looking. You’re in a really difficult place, emotionally; when someone’s been hurting you – even unintentionally – for months or even years, it can be hard to trust them or open up to them again. There are times when you may not be able to get over those past hurts, no matter how much you may want to. And I’m going to be brutally honest here: I’m not sure you should. Not with your boyfriend.

See, I’m not entirely sure your boyfriend gets what’s been going on. He might get it intellectually, but I’m not quite sure he gets it on an emotional, gut level. He says he does, but… well, based on what you’ve had to tell me, I’m not sure he’s quite processed things. I don’t know if he’s self-absorbed or oblivious or what, but that behavior you mention – is constantly telling you how badly he hurts because you’re not showing him how you love him – is pretty damn manipulative. He’s laying a heavy goddamn guilt trip on you if he’s insisting that you need to listen to his litany of pain and woe because you’re having a hard time feeling comfortable enough to touch him. He wants you to be sympathetic, but to be frank, he’s doing a pretty awful job of being sympathetic. Because you’ve been through some intense trauma and the last thing you need is someone to be pressuring you to recover faster because he desperately needs a cuddle and a handie in order to feel loved. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to want to feel loved but he’s being damned insensitive at best right now. Having good intentions is all well and good, but good intentions don’t magically make things better when the actions are hurting somebody. And if he’s framing this as your punishing him… Jesus.

If you want to make this work, you’re going to have to do a lot of communication. If you haven’t told your boyfriend the things you’ve just told me, then you need to tell him too. He needs to hear what his behavior has been doing; he may well think that because he’s not trying to initiate sex any more then he’s no longer hurting you the way he used to. But obviously, that’s not the case. You’ve gone through couple’s counseling, which is crucial. And if you want to make this work, I think you should keep going through it, because you still have a lot to work through. If you aren’t getting private counseling on top of that, then I think you need to get right on that, especially with a counselor or therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. You’ve been hurt badly, and I think it might do you a world of good to have someone to talk to, someone who isn’t also talking to your boyfriend.

But, straight talk time: I don’t think it’s worth trying to save this relationship. Sometimes the damage runs too deep and the scars are too fresh and has gone on for too long to be able to completely relax around the person who hurt you. And like I said, I’m not entirely sure your boyfriend has processed everything. Guilting you into physical contact is not enthusiastic consent. Making you listen to him complain about how hurt he feels is not enthusiastic consent. Equating his desire for cuddles with your desire to, y’know, heal from trauma he inflicted is not goddamn enthusiastic consent. I hate to say this, but I’m not entirely sure you can heal while you’re still in a relationship with this guy. If you want my unvarnished and honest opinion, I think you need to be away from this guy and taking time on your own to heal without him pressuring you to get better faster so the sex can recommence.

This doesn’t have anything to do with your unenlightenment and everything to do with the fact that I don’t know if your guy gets that he’s still hurting you. And as much as he needs to learn, you aren’t obligated to sacrifice your health and emotional well-being in order to educate him. 

I wish I had happier advice for you.

Regardless of whether you leave him or not, I want to re-emphasize that if you’re not getting private counseling, then I think it’s important that you do. But no matter what, I want you to look at what you’ve overcome and realize this: you’re much stronger than you know. And you’re going to get better.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There is a guy, whom I will call David because that is not his name, who I have fallen into intense limerence with. It’s like lust but is all-encompassing. He’s hot. We are passionate about the same kinds of things. He thinks I’m attractive. Our hooking up is a phenomenally bad idea. David is still hung up on his ex, he’s significantly older than me, he has a demanding work schedule. I work shifts that are awful, I’m mentally ill and emotionally immature. But dear God, he is so hot.

I knew going into this was a bad idea, but I can’t seem to make my gut stop doing flips when I see him online. And I’ve only seen him online because he’s been genuinely busy since about the point we actually hooked up. (We kissed. It was fantastic.)

This, unfortunately, was also about the time I came out to him as transgender. I’m a trans man, and gay, and it sucks. I would have left it longer but since I forgot to wear my packer to the party where David and I kissed, I was worried he had noticed I wasn’t as, ahem, excited as he was about our hookup. (I was. I have the hormone profile of a teenage boy. I was *really* excited.)

It’s happened before, that some guy who was all into me mysteriously stops calling or replying or wanting to see me after I tell him I don’t have standard-issue male genitalia. And I know they have a right to not date me for any reason at all but when it happens to be THAT reason it’s like several kicks in the gut because although I live a pretty successful life now as a man I will never really be a man in the eyes of people I’m attracted to.

So yeah. I don’t know whether David has stopped messaging me back because he’s busy or because he’s hung up on his ex or because I’m trans and I just want to figure out a way I can stop wanting him so bad.

In fact, it would be great to figure out how to stop wanting anyone at all because I’m so damn tired of having what is, to me, a gigantic cosmic genetic mistake mean that no-one is actually attracted to me. Instead they’re attracted to a clothed me-with-a-penis which doesn’t exist except in their own minds.

yours sincerely,

Wishing for a Cyberman Upgrade.

DEAR WISHING FOR A CYBERMAN UPGRADE: So I want to preface this with the obvious disclaimer: I’m a hetero, cis-gendered man. I’m at best going to have an outsider’s perspective on this and there will inevitably be issues that I may be unfamiliar with, or even unaware of. If I happen to end up being insensitive or say something offensive, then I want to apologize in advance.

With that being said, let’s do this thing.

Not gonna lie, WCU, you’re in a tough spot. Dating is hard enough. Dating when you’re a sexual minority is going to make it tougher. Adding on the fact that you’re a gay trans man as well makes you a minority within a minority and while we as a society have made a lot of progress over time when dealing with issues about sexual identity, gender expression and the like, we still aren’t at that Star Trek utopia where everyone’s pretty much cool with everyone else.

Just, y’know. Minus the godawful polyester outfits. Geh.

So I want to acknowledge right off the bat that you’re in a tough spot. Dating for you is going to have risks that I as a cis-gendered guy am simply not going to encounter. You have very real, very legitimate concerns for your emotional and physical safety. And, unfortunately, you’re going to encounter people who are going to get hung up over the fact that you’re trans. It sucks, it absolutely sucks. But we don’t necessarily know that this is the case here.It could be that your hunky crush had an attack of what cartoonist Bill Roundy call the Orientation Police – the fact that you’re trans means he’s feeling as though his sexual orientation has been called into question via his attraction to you. Or he might not be quite sure how he feels about the fact that you’re a guy with a vagina and has a touch of gynophobia.

Or, like you said: it could very well be the fact that he’s hung up on his ex or that he’s crazy stupid busy. Or it could be that he’s into you but not ready to date ANYONE yet or any of the other reasons why any of us may make out with someone but decide not to pursue things further. Without more information, it’s hard to say. It’s easy to assume that our number one anxiety is the reason – it’s almost always in the forefront of our minds, after all – but that’s not always the case. Hell, most of the time, that was never the issue at all.

But let’s say for argument’s sake that it is the fact that he’s uncomfortable with you being trans… if all of your awesome qualities and his crazy attraction to you all come in second to his discomfort and he’s not willing to make the effort to get over it, do you REALLY want to date him? Because let’s be honest: you sound pretty awesome, and you deserve someone who knows you’re awesome. If he’s self-selecting out because he’s uncomfortable and he’s not willing to deal with his discomfort, then he’s doing you a favor in the long term by filtering himself out of your dating pool. If this isn’t the case and it’s just “right guy, wrong time”… well, that’s just dating, unfortunately. Womp womp. It happens to everyone, gay, bi or straight, cisgendered or trans or nonbinary.

If it’s about his having an issue about your being a trans man: well, you’ve been freed to find someone who is into you who doesn’t have his hang-ups. You ARE a real man. If he (or any other guy, for that matter) doesn’t see you that way, then you don’t want HIM.

So here’s what I suggest. Message him one last time. Tell him you like him and you’d really like to see him again. If things clear up and he’s available, you’d love for him to get in touch with you; the ball’s in his court now. And then you leave it at that. You’ve made your case, you’ve told him that if he wants to see you, he’s going to have to make the next move. And then… you move on. Either he’ll get in contact with you and you can go out and enjoy those sloppy make-outs and that potentially ill-advised hook-up or he won’t and then you’re pretty much where you are now and you haven’t really lost anything.

I recognize that this is cold comfort right now, because you’ve been rejected and rejection sucks and you hurt and you want his hotness bad. You want love, you want affection, you want pure, animalistic, mind-blowing sex and you have a right to all of that. And like I said: it’s going to be hard. But hard isn’t impossible. Dating at it’s core is a numbers game, and no matter the circumstances, you’re inevitably going to have mismatches and meet guys who’re just not compatible with you before you meet somebody who is right for you. And when you do find him… well, it’s going to be all the sweeter for the time and effort that it took. And they are out there. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)