DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I are relative newcomers to the idea of enthusiastic consent. Unfortunately, this realization came five years into our relationship. And the last two years have been spent trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. Well, really they’ve been spent just trying to understand what the hell even happened. Not much in the way of humpty dumpty going on (much to his chagrin).

Now we’ve both bought into the idea of enthusiastic consent. But the problem is that it’s very difficult for me to be enthusiastic after so much overlooked unenthusiasm. And my boyfriend generally interprets a lack of enthusiasm as a lack of love or caring.

I recognize that both of our actions have a lot to do with social conditioning—the “gatekeeper model,” as you’ve described it. We were both working in this framework of the man getting what he can and the woman giving what was owed.

Some background:

There was a long stretch in our relationship where I was really miserable having sex with him. I would have it mostly because I felt some obligation to. He would request sex, but wasn’t excessively pushy about it. But because of my family history (and social expectations at large), I am extremely sensitive to the needs of others, and it would take very little for me to feel guilty about not meeting his needs. But my own emotional and physical needs were completely invisible to him — I didn’t offer, and he didn’t ask.

I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t understand why someone I used to enjoy being close to now repulsed me. I didn’t even know I had needs, or that they weren’t being met. And I feel SO STUPID now for not recognizing more of this at the time. But all I knew was that I hated having sex—I would just lay there and zone out, waiting for things to finish. All the while, I could see in him that, from his perspective, he was enjoying an intimate and caring experience. And I would feel both glad that he was happy, and also furious that he could be so oblivious to what this was like for me.

After years of there being “something wrong” with our sex life, I was finally able to start to tell him how I was feeling. An old Jezebel article called “Workshopping Rape” and the accompanying comments helped crystallize the situation for me — so many stories of sex that lacked enthusiastic consent and made women feel used and unloved. That had been happening to me too, and I didn’t even know it!

We went through some couples counseling, which really helped us to communicate better. I’m finally starting to recognize my own feelings and starting to be able to communicate them. Though I still often feel like I am overreacting – shouldn’t I just give him a whatever-job and get over it?

But now what? My partner now understands that he’s hurt me. And he feels terrible about it. When we talk about it, he says it was the worst mistake of his life to not care for me in the way that he should have. Although it was very difficult for me to convince him that this was necessary, we have cut way back on any physical touching. And the only touching now is when I initiate it. Sadly, I don’t yet feel comfortable enough to initiate intercourse. He insists that he doesn’t want to do anything that I don’t want to do. And I go back and forth on believing this. 

But he also says that he is hurting so badly – he is hurting because he needs to feel loved. He says he needs physical affection. But, even just touching his arm will sometimes make my heart race or fill my stomach with dread. He thinks that now I am hurting him. Sometimes he feels like I am punishing him, but he also has moments of enlightenment where he realizes that’s not true. But he can’t stop feeling hurt, and he thinks it’s important for me to hear that and be sympathetic. It is very very hard for me to be sympathetic.

I do believe that he has good intentions – that he wants to treat me well, and that with the right guidance he can learn how to. I understand that it’s not easy being a socially-awkward nerd-dude. But it’s not easy being a less-socially-awkward nerd-girl either!

He has already made tremendous strides since we started talking more honestly about all of these things. He is a nice guy, but no one ever taught him how to approach sex as a collaborative endeavor. And based on the portrayals of sex in popular culture, everything was going as it should. We both believed that. But, for me, it was making me feel ignored and powerless. Thanks a lot pop culture! 

We both want to have collaborative and reciprocal sex. But we’re not sure how. Any suggestions for how to move forward from here? We can’t be the only ones, right? Or has our past unenlightenment doomed any hope of a future filled with enthusiastic consent? 

Looking Ahead

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: This is a tough one, Looking. You’re in a really difficult place, emotionally; when someone’s been hurting you – even unintentionally – for months or even years, it can be hard to trust them or open up to them again. There are times when you may not be able to get over those past hurts, no matter how much you may want to. And I’m going to be brutally honest here: I’m not sure you should. Not with your boyfriend.

See, I’m not entirely sure your boyfriend gets what’s been going on. He might get it intellectually, but I’m not quite sure he gets it on an emotional, gut level. He says he does, but… well, based on what you’ve had to tell me, I’m not sure he’s quite processed things. I don’t know if he’s self-absorbed or oblivious or what, but that behavior you mention – is constantly telling you how badly he hurts because you’re not showing him how you love him – is pretty damn manipulative. He’s laying a heavy goddamn guilt trip on you if he’s insisting that you need to listen to his litany of pain and woe because you’re having a hard time feeling comfortable enough to touch him. He wants you to be sympathetic, but to be frank, he’s doing a pretty awful job of being sympathetic. Because you’ve been through some intense trauma and the last thing you need is someone to be pressuring you to recover faster because he desperately needs a cuddle and a handie in order to feel loved. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to want to feel loved but he’s being damned insensitive at best right now. Having good intentions is all well and good, but good intentions don’t magically make things better when the actions are hurting somebody. And if he’s framing this as your punishing him… Jesus.

If you want to make this work, you’re going to have to do a lot of communication. If you haven’t told your boyfriend the things you’ve just told me, then you need to tell him too. He needs to hear what his behavior has been doing; he may well think that because he’s not trying to initiate sex any more then he’s no longer hurting you the way he used to. But obviously, that’s not the case. You’ve gone through couple’s counseling, which is crucial. And if you want to make this work, I think you should keep going through it, because you still have a lot to work through. If you aren’t getting private counseling on top of that, then I think you need to get right on that, especially with a counselor or therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. You’ve been hurt badly, and I think it might do you a world of good to have someone to talk to, someone who isn’t also talking to your boyfriend.

But, straight talk time: I don’t think it’s worth trying to save this relationship. Sometimes the damage runs too deep and the scars are too fresh and has gone on for too long to be able to completely relax around the person who hurt you. And like I said, I’m not entirely sure your boyfriend has processed everything. Guilting you into physical contact is not enthusiastic consent. Making you listen to him complain about how hurt he feels is not enthusiastic consent. Equating his desire for cuddles with your desire to, y’know, heal from trauma he inflicted is not goddamn enthusiastic consent. I hate to say this, but I’m not entirely sure you can heal while you’re still in a relationship with this guy. If you want my unvarnished and honest opinion, I think you need to be away from this guy and taking time on your own to heal without him pressuring you to get better faster so the sex can recommence.

This doesn’t have anything to do with your unenlightenment and everything to do with the fact that I don’t know if your guy gets that he’s still hurting you. And as much as he needs to learn, you aren’t obligated to sacrifice your health and emotional well-being in order to educate him. 

I wish I had happier advice for you.

Regardless of whether you leave him or not, I want to re-emphasize that if you’re not getting private counseling, then I think it’s important that you do. But no matter what, I want you to look at what you’ve overcome and realize this: you’re much stronger than you know. And you’re going to get better.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There is a guy, whom I will call David because that is not his name, who I have fallen into intense limerence with. It’s like lust but is all-encompassing. He’s hot. We are passionate about the same kinds of things. He thinks I’m attractive. Our hooking up is a phenomenally bad idea. David is still hung up on his ex, he’s significantly older than me, he has a demanding work schedule. I work shifts that are awful, I’m mentally ill and emotionally immature. But dear God, he is so hot.

I knew going into this was a bad idea, but I can’t seem to make my gut stop doing flips when I see him online. And I’ve only seen him online because he’s been genuinely busy since about the point we actually hooked up. (We kissed. It was fantastic.)

This, unfortunately, was also about the time I came out to him as transgender. I’m a trans man, and gay, and it sucks. I would have left it longer but since I forgot to wear my packer to the party where David and I kissed, I was worried he had noticed I wasn’t as, ahem, excited as he was about our hookup. (I was. I have the hormone profile of a teenage boy. I was *really* excited.)

It’s happened before, that some guy who was all into me mysteriously stops calling or replying or wanting to see me after I tell him I don’t have standard-issue male genitalia. And I know they have a right to not date me for any reason at all but when it happens to be THAT reason it’s like several kicks in the gut because although I live a pretty successful life now as a man I will never really be a man in the eyes of people I’m attracted to.

So yeah. I don’t know whether David has stopped messaging me back because he’s busy or because he’s hung up on his ex or because I’m trans and I just want to figure out a way I can stop wanting him so bad.

In fact, it would be great to figure out how to stop wanting anyone at all because I’m so damn tired of having what is, to me, a gigantic cosmic genetic mistake mean that no-one is actually attracted to me. Instead they’re attracted to a clothed me-with-a-penis which doesn’t exist except in their own minds.

yours sincerely,

Wishing for a Cyberman Upgrade.

DEAR WISHING FOR A CYBERMAN UPGRADE: So I want to preface this with the obvious disclaimer: I’m a hetero, cis-gendered man. I’m at best going to have an outsider’s perspective on this and there will inevitably be issues that I may be unfamiliar with, or even unaware of. If I happen to end up being insensitive or say something offensive, then I want to apologize in advance.

With that being said, let’s do this thing.

Not gonna lie, WCU, you’re in a tough spot. Dating is hard enough. Dating when you’re a sexual minority is going to make it tougher. Adding on the fact that you’re a gay trans man as well makes you a minority within a minority and while we as a society have made a lot of progress over time when dealing with issues about sexual identity, gender expression and the like, we still aren’t at that Star Trek utopia where everyone’s pretty much cool with everyone else.

Just, y’know. Minus the godawful polyester outfits. Geh.

So I want to acknowledge right off the bat that you’re in a tough spot. Dating for you is going to have risks that I as a cis-gendered guy am simply not going to encounter. You have very real, very legitimate concerns for your emotional and physical safety. And, unfortunately, you’re going to encounter people who are going to get hung up over the fact that you’re trans. It sucks, it absolutely sucks. But we don’t necessarily know that this is the case here.It could be that your hunky crush had an attack of what cartoonist Bill Roundy call the Orientation Police – the fact that you’re trans means he’s feeling as though his sexual orientation has been called into question via his attraction to you. Or he might not be quite sure how he feels about the fact that you’re a guy with a vagina and has a touch of gynophobia.

Or, like you said: it could very well be the fact that he’s hung up on his ex or that he’s crazy stupid busy. Or it could be that he’s into you but not ready to date ANYONE yet or any of the other reasons why any of us may make out with someone but decide not to pursue things further. Without more information, it’s hard to say. It’s easy to assume that our number one anxiety is the reason – it’s almost always in the forefront of our minds, after all – but that’s not always the case. Hell, most of the time, that was never the issue at all.

But let’s say for argument’s sake that it is the fact that he’s uncomfortable with you being trans… if all of your awesome qualities and his crazy attraction to you all come in second to his discomfort and he’s not willing to make the effort to get over it, do you REALLY want to date him? Because let’s be honest: you sound pretty awesome, and you deserve someone who knows you’re awesome. If he’s self-selecting out because he’s uncomfortable and he’s not willing to deal with his discomfort, then he’s doing you a favor in the long term by filtering himself out of your dating pool. If this isn’t the case and it’s just “right guy, wrong time”… well, that’s just dating, unfortunately. Womp womp. It happens to everyone, gay, bi or straight, cisgendered or trans or nonbinary.

If it’s about his having an issue about your being a trans man: well, you’ve been freed to find someone who is into you who doesn’t have his hang-ups. You ARE a real man. If he (or any other guy, for that matter) doesn’t see you that way, then you don’t want HIM.

So here’s what I suggest. Message him one last time. Tell him you like him and you’d really like to see him again. If things clear up and he’s available, you’d love for him to get in touch with you; the ball’s in his court now. And then you leave it at that. You’ve made your case, you’ve told him that if he wants to see you, he’s going to have to make the next move. And then… you move on. Either he’ll get in contact with you and you can go out and enjoy those sloppy make-outs and that potentially ill-advised hook-up or he won’t and then you’re pretty much where you are now and you haven’t really lost anything.

I recognize that this is cold comfort right now, because you’ve been rejected and rejection sucks and you hurt and you want his hotness bad. You want love, you want affection, you want pure, animalistic, mind-blowing sex and you have a right to all of that. And like I said: it’s going to be hard. But hard isn’t impossible. Dating at it’s core is a numbers game, and no matter the circumstances, you’re inevitably going to have mismatches and meet guys who’re just not compatible with you before you meet somebody who is right for you. And when you do find him… well, it’s going to be all the sweeter for the time and effort that it took. And they are out there. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m struggling with a bit of a dilemma.

I’m a divorced 47 year old man and in the last two years since the divorce, I have another 10 month relationship and have been out on a number of other dates. I feel like I’m over my ex-wife and am ready for another relationship.

Recently I started seeing a woman about my age who just got out of a 3-year relationship with someone who cheated on her. She is still hurting from that relationship but she says that she wants to move on. We’ve had five dates very good in the last couple of months and had good sex twice. I feel a strong connection with her, we have a lot in common, can talk to each other easily. Frankly I feel like I’m falling in love for the first time in years.

Here’s the problem. It seems like we are on two different “schedules.” She says she wants to take it slow and I am ready to move quickly. She says she “really, really likes me” (and I believe her) but she also says that her friends tell her that she should she should be out there playing the field. She seems to agree with them because she told me she is attracted to another guy and wants to go out with him. She also said she doesn’t want to sleep with either of us until she figures things out.

Obviously I can only control my own actions, so my question boils down to this: How long do I wait before I pull the plug? I want to be reasonable and give her a bit of time to heal from her past relationship but I also don’t want to be waiting around for a long time only to find that I was just the rebound guy.

Thanks for your help!

Miserable in Minneapolis

DEAR MISERABLE IN MINNEAPOLIS: the issue isn’t that you’re on different schedules MIM (although you are – everyone recovers from break-ups and divorces at their own pace) but that you’re at different places in your respective timelines. You’ve been single for a while now – more than a year – with another relationship under your belt. You’ve grieved the loss of the relationship, you’ve gotten yourself back into emotional shape and you’re ready to jump back into the game. That’s awesome! Your prospective girlfriend, on the other hand, is not as far removed from her relationship and the hurt it’s caused her. She wants to move on, but wanting to and doing so are two different things and unfortunately, the only thing that really helps a person heal is time.

And this is before we get into the other factors that are influencing her decisions right now.

To start with, she’s probably dealing with complicated feelings about relationships and monogamy. Having just gotten out of a long-term relationship, especially one that ended so badly, she may be a bit gun-shy over the topic. She may like you but she’s not ready to give you the level of commitment you’re looking for because the last time she did, she got hurt pretty damn badly. She may be second-guessing her own feelings and worrying that the way she feels for you (or for the other guy she likes) may be less about you being you and more about being not-her-ex – a valid fear. She may also be exploring the possibility of just not committing to anyone right now.

Then there’s the fears of being on the rebound – something that her friends are no doubt contributing to. I have problems with the idea of “rebound relationships” because those are almost always just what we call the relationships we get into after we break up with somebody else. We tend to assume that the cause of the problems in the “rebound” relationship is it’s proximity to a previous relationship, but correlation isn’t causation.  All of those “rebound” relationships fail for the same reasons that every relationship fails; it has less to do with how soon it is after a break-up and everything to do with the standard array of relationship issues including getting into a relationship when you’re still in pain.

Even if you gave her a couple years to recover, that’s no guarantee that you’re not going to break up with her anyway. Those are the risks you take when dating.

Now what should you do about it? Well, it depends ultimately on you. Everyone heals at their own pace and there’s no way to know how much time she’s going to need. Are you looking for something exclusive right now, or are you willing to be in a more casual relationship with her? Is she someone you specifically want to date so much so that you’re willing to accept that it may be months or even years before she’s ready as the price of entry? Are you willing to wait with the knowledge that she may well decide she wants to date both of you? Or that she may decide she wants to be with someone else entirely?

You’re the only person who can answer these questions. Any number I give you is going to be completely arbitrary; it all depends on how you feel about her and the potential relationship.l

I would say that I don’t think committing yourself to her exclusively while she’s recovering is a good idea. You should be willing to date around too. Not only will it get you to meet more people – ones who may well be in the same place you are and looking for the right 47-year old divorcee to settle down with – but it will help curb the potential resentment of “I waited for you X long and you still chose someone else?”

But like I said: you’re the only person who can decide these things.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am wondering how to cope with the feeling that I am basically the Forever Alone guy in my social circle. Several months ago, I got out of a very toxic relationship of many years, and I was quite happy that this relationship came to an end. I am genuinely ready to start a new relationship, but I feel like I am at a dead end. I don’t know of any single women in my social circle, none of my friends or relatives (who are all in long term relationships) are willing to introduce me to anyone, and nothing I tried has led to anything. What’s worse, this is the exact same situation as before the toxic relationship.

What irks me is that everyone around me keeps saying I have a lot of good qualities, that I’m quite conventionally good looking and that I should have no problem getting dates, yet as I mentioned, they won’t introduce me to anyone, and they don’t give me any specific reason why. I tried online dating, and I sent messages to women I liked and/or who repeatedly checked my profile, but I never even got one reply, let alone a first date. (As far as I can tell, my messages were courteous and expressed genuine interest. I doubt they came off as creepy, but obviously, that’s not for me to judge.) I go out to bars and clubs when my schedule allows, and I have no problem approaching women I would like to get to know, but they never show any interest in talking to me. And so on, and so forth…

It’s obvious that the problem is me. I wish I could pinpoint what’s wrong with me, but I’m at a stage where the only answer I can think of is “everything”. I would like my friends to be honest enough to tell me what’s wrong with me, but then again, they seem to genuinely think I’m a good, and even desirable, person. I don’t want to end up in groups like Men Going Their Own Way, I have read enough about PUA to be thoroughly disgusted by it, and I don’t blame women for my situation. I know this is all my fault, but I don’t know why. As I mentioned above, this is the same pattern I was in before my bad relationship, and I would like nothing so much as to break the old patterns, but they keep repeating themselves despite my best intentions.

I really enjoy taking women out on dates, making sure that they enjoy themselves and that they feel special, but I fear that for the foreseeable future, this will not be possible anymore. Is it time for me to give up and accept that I’m Forever Alone? If so, how do I cope with this? If not, what would you suggest I do to get rid of this feeling?

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to read from you soon,

– Heading Nowhere

DEAR HEADING NOWHERE: You’re in a tricky situation, HN, and I feel for you. You’re right: you’re the only common denominator in all of your relationships and sometimes that means you have to accept that you’re the problem. But it’s a damned pain in the ass when you understand that things need to improve but you have no idea where.

The first thing that sets off my Spidey-sense is the fact that your friends and family won’t introduce you to people. Are they refusing to, or just don’t have anyone It’s one thing to be unable to – their immediate friends may not be compatible with you or they may not know anyone who’s single and looking – but another entirely to flat-out refuse. If they won’t say why, I’m inclined to believe it’s the latter… usually when our friends don’t want to give a specific reason, it’s because they’re trying to avoid causing offense or hurting our feelings.

Now the big thing to keep in mind is that people’s dating problems usually come down to one of two categories. The first is a matter of skill – their hearts are in the right place but they’re not good at talking to women or presenting themselves in an attractive way. The other is a matter of attitude and personality – they may have entitlement issues or be excessively negative, or too needy or any number of issues. If your friends and family are refusing to introduce you to other people, I’d suspect that the answer is more internal than skill based. But without actually watching you in action, I can’t really say.

I WILL say that a scarcity mentality and a fear of being Forever Alone will translate into your day to day actions and behaviors and can be off-putting to people. Trust me: people are not nearly as good at hiding issues like that as they like to think they are.

What I’m going to recommend is that you start off doing some yoga and mindfulness meditation. These will help you with your anxiety; mindfulness meditation is like being handed root access for your brain, so you can be more aware of the underlying processes and emotions that are affecting you. Meanwhile, the yoga will help relax you and ease your depression, allowing you to think clearer and be calmer.

Next, what I would do is sit down with a couple of trusted friends or family members and ask them to be honest with you about just why they’re not willing to introduce you to someone else. Reassure them that you want them to be honest: you recognize you need to change things, but you’re not sure what. And then… well, brace yourself. If it’s something you’re doing, then they may demure, but they may also tell you exactly what they think, and that probably won’t be pretty. You’re going to have to force yourself to not get defensive or – worse – start castigating yourself for not recognizing that you do X. The whole point of this is to figure out what you’re doing wrong, and you can’t improve if you let yourself fall into a spiral of self-blame. As uncomfortable – even painful – as it might be, it also means you now have something to work towards. Think of it like lancing a boil or cleaning an infection – it’s going to hurt, but it’s the kind of hurt that helps you heal as long as you can white-knuckle your way through it.

I’d also recommend working your way through the archives on my site, especially focusing on articles relating to skills and online dating. It might not be a bad idea to have a friend look over your dating profile and the messages you’ve been sending out; sometimes an outside opinion can be helpful. I’d  also be remiss if I didn’t point out that my ebook might help you as well.

And while you’re at it: keep a journal. Write down everything about your interactions with people, as objectively and dispassionately as possible, with as much detail as you can manage. Sometimes we’re too close to see the patterns in our lives; writing it down and going over several entries at once can help provide some perspective and identify recurring issues you may not otherwise notice.

You’re not hopeless, HN, you’re just in a tricky situation. But you’re going to get out of it.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently, I had a potential relationship fall through. As I was moving on, I looked through your article “5 Times When You Shouldn’t Be Dating“ over on your website.

This definitely applies to me, as there are plenty of things I should work on before starting to look again. The problem is I’m still wanting to go about finding someone. How should I go about dealing with these feelings while I attempt to improve my circumstances? 

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

DEAR WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME: I’m sorry things fell apart for you, WPWT, but you should take heart that you’re doing the right thing. One of the things that can be useful in the wake of a break up is to do a sort of self-assessment. As you get distance and the pain of the break up isn’t so immediate, taking the time to ask “so, what went wrong?” is great way to learn and grow from an otherwise painful experience.

Sometimes the answer as simple as “we were just not right for each other, no harm, no foul.” Other times, as evidently your case, it may be that you just weren’t in a good place mentally or emotionally. And when that’s the case, taking some time away from dating is a good idea. Dealing with rejection and break-ups can be exhausting, even for people who enjoy dating and all the steps of the human mating dance. Beating your head against that particular wall too many times can leave you feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.

Putting dating on pause for a while is a great way to recharge your batteries and free up some much needed mental bandwidth to get your head right and work on yourself.

Problem is: you may know that you need a break, but your heart (and other bits) may not have gotten the message. So while you’re ready to shut down Tinder and spend a few more Saturday nights at home, you still feel that nagging urge: “shouldn’t you be trying to get out there?” It can be worse when your Instagram seems to be nothing but happy couples canoodling all over the place and Facebook is full of people talking about how awesome their girlfriends or boyfriends are.

And to be fair: there’s a lot of social pressure to just couple up. We’re all neck deep in a sea that sees being single as a problem to be solved, instead of just a state of being. That fear of missing out is very real; after all, what if Ms. Right (or Ms. Near As, Dammit) shows up while you’re on your social sabbatical? Did you miss your only chance at happiness because you decided you were on a break?

What do you do when you want to just press pause on things while you get back into fighting shape?

First: remind yourself that this is temporary, not forever. It’s not as though you’re joining a monastery in the mountains of Tibet; you’re just taking some time away from dating in order to sort your life out. As much as you might feel like every day that goes by means that the supply of singles is dwindling away, love really can no point where the window for love is closed forever wait. There’s no statute of limitations on romance,. People in their 60s and 70s and 80s fall in love, get married and have absurd amounts of sex.

(No, for real. Senior centers are dealing with skyrocketing levels of STIs among their clientele.)

Second: reframe how you see this break. One of the reasons why it can be hard to take a break from dating is because it feels like failure. You feel like you’re giving up, when everything and everybody is telling you to get back up and get back in there. But as any fighter can tell you: getting back up just to run into the same fist is a bad idea. Sometimes you will find that you’re just outmatched. In those cases, it’s better to take the L… because while you may not be able to win that fight, you’ll be in a better position to win the next one.

You’re not taking a break because you’re a failure or because dating was a mistake. You’re going into training. You’re doing the social equivalent of every martial artist who goes into isolation to hone their skills. You’re building yourself up and developing the mindset and lifestyle you need to utterly dominate the dating market. You’re not a loser licking his wounds, you’re Rocky Balboa running the steps on the Philadelphia Museum of Art until you can make it to the top.

Every time you feel that nagging voice that tells you that you should be trying to find someone, remind yourself that you’re doing this so that you can. After all, it doesn’t do you any good to meet someone who’s right for you at a time when you aren’t right for them.

Third: Get busy. Not just with your self-improvement regimen, but with your life. One of the best ways to beat feeling lonely is to fill your life with activity. Finding things that engage you – not just busy work, but things that you actually care about – is a great way to feel more satisfied with your life over all. It’s harder to feel like you’re missing out on things when you have so many cool things to do and see and experience – so many so that you might not have time for them all.

Of course, it certainly doesn’t hurt that living an amazing life full of cool experiences is a great way to meet women when you are ready to get back out there…

Fourth: Get social. Another reason why taking a break from dating can feel so lonely is because, frankly, we have a tendency to hermit up. Guys especially are bad about relying on romantic relationships for all of their social and emotional needs. As a result, when we find ourselves single again, we’re left isolated because… well, there was nobody else.

That is, needless to say, no bueno. We are all social creatures; isolating ourselves is as bad for our physical health as smoking. And it’s even worse for our mental and emotional health.

So while you’re working on yourself and getting yourself back into fighting trim, prioritize reconnecting with your friends and family. If you’ve let those connections fade, then now is a great time to reach back out to them and rebuild things. Haven’t talked to your brother, your dad or your best friend from college for a while? Hit ’em up and catch up on what’s been going on in your lives. Get some friends together to catch the game, the WestWorld season premier or just hang around and play Gang Beasts on your PS4.

Rebuilding those connections and feeling like you have your community, your Team You at your back is vital. Not only does it help to close the hole you feel in your social life, but it can be a vital part of reinvigorating you. Taking care of yourself can be a long, frustrating process and it can be incredibly demoralizing at times. You may feel like you don’t have the strength to improve. You may think that there’s just too much. But knowing that you have these people in your corner, cheering you on and supporting you is huge.

and finally:

Don’t let those feelings stress you out. They’re perfectly natural. You don’t need to try to force yourself to not feel them; in fact, it’s better that you just let them wash over you and past you. Feel the hell out of them, note them and let them go. They’re just a reminder of what you have to look forward to when you are ready to get back in the pit. And you’ll be there soon enough.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently asked a friend I’ve known for a little over a year out on a real date.

We’ve had a casual creative relationship. We both work in somewhat the same field, and would meet up for coffee, friendly drinks, or events and talk are.

I recently started becoming attracted to her as more than a friend, and asked her out.

As per your advice, I let her know it was totally cool if she didn’t feel the same. She responded that she values what we have and didn’t want that to change.

Which meant no.

I told her that’s totally cool. I value what we have together too and won’t bring it up again unless she does, and that we should remain friends.

She was glad I brought it up because she felt there was always some vague, uncertain tension between us.

Sure I was a bit disappointed, but I’m actually pretty cool about it all. I’m in a great point in my life, which gave me the courage to ask her out. So everything I said is true, I’d like to remain professional, creative friends. And promised her that nothing would change.

The only dilemma I’m having is I’ve been thinking about how to go about setting some boundaries for our friendship going forward.

Something I told another friend is that I’m still open to hang with the girl I asked out, but in fewer situations that might be confused for romantic (like nice moody bars), or do things that are “datey”, and keep it professional. That includes our conversations. The girl I asked out and I would sometimes go on these pseudo-dates, which caused that uncertainty. And I want to avoid that going forward.

My friend I was telling this to said that I wasn’t keeping my promise then, and that things ARE going to change going forward.

Am I wrong here by tweaking the dynamic of our friendship going forward?

I’m not ignoring/ghosting her. I’m not mad at her at all. I do feel I made a bit of a mistake of not being upfront in the beginning/or setting boundaries. Even though I didn’t like her that way early on, I was pulling out things I normally reserve for dates cause she was fun and is attractive. I just think that I should reserve that side of me for romantic pursuits, as I don’t do a lot of that stuff with my other friends I have creative, professional relationships with, so why should I have to keep doing it with her?

What are you thoughts? 

Finally Chill About Rejection

DEAR FINALLY CHILL ABOUT REJECTION: There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing things up in the face of rejection, FCAR – especially if you’re doing so in the name of maintaining your friendship. After all, it doesn’t do any good to try to be friends if you’re ripping your heart out every time you see them. Nor, for that matter, do you want to keep behaving as though you’re trying to date them.

Just as you want to act like a potential lover with someone you want to date, if you want to be friends with someone, you need to act like a friend with them. However, don’t mistake avoiding a dating frame for cutting emotional intimacy to zero. Friends hang out, friends grab dinner and go do things together. As with many behaviors, it’s context that makes a difference – including the context of your friendship. If your friendship is primarily based around being fellow creatives, then let that be the foundation of how you two behave together. Hang out, grab coffee and talk shop, trade news and tips, and so forth. Treat her exactly the same as you’d treat other friends you have in the industry.

However, one thing I always suggest is to not necessarily limit your friendships either. Sometimes important friendships start as casual “we work in the same industry”and end up being an important part of your life – without a romantic component. So by all means, dial things back, especially so you can let your more amorous feelings fade. But don’t hold be quick to hold people at arm’s length in the name of “we’re just colleagues” either. You may have connected because of your work, but sometimes that can be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)