DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My first girlfriend was white. Brown hair, super kind person, amazing person, we dated for 2 years and had to end it because I couldn’t handle her low self esteem anymore, it was becoming too much of a mental burden to always be the one to give her strength.

After that, I dated a few more people of different races, until recently I’ve begun to date a very lovely Desi woman. She is an amazing person too, kindness outta this world, and I’m incredibly attracted to her.

The problem I experience is (and keep experiencing), I keep having these ideas that I should be with a white girl, someone with skin more like mine, in addition to a body type more like mine and more in line with societal norms (trust me I love it when women have curves, and the woman I’m with now is quite curvy).

Sometimes, I just can’t stop the thoughts from entering my head that I should be pursuing this beauty standard of “a girl that everyone will desire and covet”. I’m not sure where it comes from, but I suspect it could be from watching too much porn for years combined with growing up with these societal norms of what women are perceived as beautiful.

Dr. NerdLove, how do I get wrong ideas about women out of my head?

Social Messaging Sucks

DEAR SOCIAL MESSAGING SUCKS: Here’s what’s going on, SMS. You’ve spent a lifetime soaking in an ocean of messaging and advertising telling you that this specific type of woman – white, blonde, skinny and curvy – is the ideal and that a “real” man has a girlfriend that all his buddies want to bang. Your girlfriend is the external personification of your worth, so if you’re not banging someone who’s a traditional 10, you just ain’t squat.

And this messaging hits people across all spectrums. Women of various sizes are taught that they’re too heavy, too curvy, too tall, too muscular, too flat, too big. Their skin isn’t light enough, their hair is the wrong texture, their noses the wrong shape and their faces have the wrong structure. Their personalities are wrong – too brash, too brassy, too loud, too angry, too assertive, too confident. And even if they come closer to the ideal, women of color still not going to be as socially valuable as a white woman. And of course, they need to give any man a chance because women shouldn’t be shallow in who they choose to date, while dudes are encouraged to be shallow. There may be a bunch of articles celebrating how women love the DadBod but far fewer about men who like zaftig women. Your first girlfriend may not be perfect brah, but you better trade up as you improve your own social value.

Now when people are left to their own devices, we on the whole like a wide spectrum of body types, skin colors and types of hair and faces. There’re guys out there – fit, jacked dudes – who love them some big, beautiful women. There’re women who love dudes with hairy musclemen and thiccboys. There’re people who like folks of other races, non-binaries, trans men and women and people whose gender presentation is all over the map. But the number of people who can admit to liking people outside of the model that’s been marketed to us are damned few – and that’s when we filter out the people who fetishize specific races.

You see this in awful “jokes” like “how’s a fat girl like a moped”. You see this in people who’re willing to sleep with trans women but not openly date them, in people who’ll hit on people of different races like they’re paying them a compliment and get pissy if they have the temerity to say “go away”.

Their junk may want what it wants, but their brain isn’t going to let them live their truth; not when they’re valuing what society taught them to desire over who they actually connect with.

That’s why you’re having these thoughts, SMS. Cultural programming is a rat bastard. It digs in deep and it’s really hard to root out, even among the best intentioned. It can creep into your thoughts and make you question things. Like a concern-troll on Twitter it can sound perfectly reasonable on the surface: “are you suuuuuure you should be dating her? What will your friends say? Isn’t it unfair of you to inflict their judgement on her? What about those cultural differences? Are you sure you’re into her and not just fetishizing her?”

And in fairness: it’s good to interrogate your desires and ask yourself why you’re drawn to the people you like. Do you like your “type” because it’s what you’ve always been attracted to? Or is there something else about it? Are you into, say, large girls, because you like them big or because you think they’re going to be “grateful” and let you get away with more? Are you into people of other races or who’re gender non-conforming because you find them attractive, or because you like flaunting social mores and shocking people?

But a lot of the time… you’re going to find you just like them. And even in this theoretically more enlightened, cosmopolitan era, loving someone who isn’t the “right” type is an act of rebellion. So here’s what you do about those thoughts that bubble up: defang them. Label them and note them – “Hey, there’s that weird bit of social programming again, that’s annoying” – and them let them pass. If you’re happy with your sweet, curvy girlfriend, then screw what people think and what society tells you to want. Happiness is is too precious to give up over bulls

t ideas about what you’re “supposed” to want. Love whom you love and everything else can go hang.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your articles on and off for about a year or so now, I guess, with increasing consistency for the past half a year or so in particular and have had a fairly regular presence in the comments. I’ve picked up a lot of useful, interesting and at times irrationally infuriating information from your work over that time. However, I had something of a sticking point the other night that I thought you might help me suss out.

A quick note on background: I am not a bar-goer. Generally speaking, I don’t like the noise, the press of bodies when it gets crowded and I’m not a drinker (alcohol tends to either make me sick or sleepy with very little in between). That said, I befriended the members of a band that has a steady gig at a local bar and grill; I enjoy their music enough to get over my intrinsic distaste for the bar scene. As a result, I’ve sort of developed a callous over my intrinsic distaste for going to bars, at least in so far as this particular one is concerned.

So, the last time I was out catching my friends play, I was paying a little more attention to the crowd than usual (usually I’m so wrapped up in the music, I don’t give the people aside from my friends a second thought) and I found myself noting a number of attractive women in the crowd.

I thought about all the stuff I’d learned from your site, podcast, videos…and eventually did absolutely nothing. A couple of quick glances across the bar and I just let it end at that.

Now, I don’t have to do a lot of introspection to determine why I didn’t make any moves. While I’ve been making progress in mapping out my personal peculiarities, between spending time critically reviewing my past actions based on the concepts laid out in your articles and getting professional guidance from a therapist…there’s still a massive stumbling block to my approach to women I don’t know.

That stumbling block is “A reason to approach them”. Ultimately, in my mind, “Hey, you’re attractive and I’d like to get to you know you better” doesn’t constitute sufficient reason to insert myself into someone else’s social evening. Even given your guidelines of “bars are a safe place to approach people”, my aversion to insinuating myself into somebody else’s good time tells me that I have no logical impetus to do so. I find it easy enough to slip into other people’s conversation with a quick comment or observation, but usually only when there’s really nothing at stake. And of course, that would mean being in proximity to hear what they were talking about in the first place and when I’m out at the bar, I usually spend my time on my own because I’m trying to get the most out of the performance rather than engaging the other people there (since most of them are NOT there for the music like I am). I suppose I give off a “buzz off, I’m listening to the music” vibe that only the most inebriated of patrons are immune to.

Maybe there’s still too big an issue of rejection avoidance; maybe it’s a result of poor self image; maybe I’m just intrinsically ill suited to cold approaches of this nature (that would be a cold approach, right?). It’s a pretty good bet I’m going to be in this position again in the future, as this is a regular monthly gig I make a point to attend, so I wonder if you have any suggestions on how to proceed. This is one of the few social engagements I regularly attend (I work at night, so my options tend to be a bit limited), so it feels kinda like a waste when I don’t make the most of it.

But, in the end, I’m not sure how to do that.

No Approach Vector

DEAR NO APPROACH VECTOR: You’ve answered your own question here, man. You’re getting in your own way.

Here’s the thing about conversations: it’s not that hard to join them, especially in social situations. It’s one thing if, say, you slide a chair up to somebody’s table at a restaurant; that goes against the social contract of the situation and people would rightly be weirded out by it. On the other hand when you’re in spaces that are explicitly social – like parties, like bars and performances – it’s generally accepted that people are going to mingle and introduce themselves to one another. The dynamics of approaching someone and talking with them at a bar aren’t that different from the ones at a networking event or a cocktail party.

You know this. You’ve already said that you’re experienced in joining conversations when there’s nothing at stake.

Here’s the thing: there’s nothing at stake here either. All you’re doing is starting a conversation. That’s it. This isn’t prelude to getting married. This isn’t even the first step to getting a date. All you’re doing is talking to someone to find out if you are even interested in them. Yeah they’re cute… but anyone can tell you that being cute doesn’t make for actual chemistry so what do they have going for them besides their looks?

And here’s the thing: “You seem interesting and I wanted to get to know you” is a perfectly legitimate reason to talk to someone. Hell, one of my go-to lines for starting a conversation is simply a declaration of intent and explanation as to why I’m approaching them: “Hey my friends are being kind of boring/ I’m bored and I’m looking for good conversation and you seem like you’re really interesting. My name is…”

Meeting people, making friends and getting dates has nothing to do with logic or having a sufficient “reason” to talk to someone. To quote the sage: “Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will.” The idea that you need a “logical” reason to approach someone is just an excuse to not approach. It’s just you not accepting that your interest in other people is legitimate. You’re dressing up the middle-school fear of “I can’t let someone know I like them” in rationality drag. And if that’s the issue, then that is something you should be going over with your therapist.

But, fun fact: you can’t know if someone would like you or find you interesting without taking your shot. You’re inventing excuses to pre-reject yourself and never giving someone else the chance to make up their mind.

Yeah, I get it. You’re afraid of being rejected and the shame having the temerity to approach someone following you everywhere you go. Trust me: unless you stick around and ignore their interest, then you aren’t going to screw up their good time. People are far too wrapped up in their own crap to worry about – or even remember – someone who said “hi” and then peaced-out when they ignored him.

The only thing you can do is learn to shut up that over-thinking part of your brain and take your chances. There is no success without risk, no matter how slight.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 26 years old and have been hard on myself for being (mostly) single for the past few years. Many aspects of my life are great. I have a great job in Los Angeles programming video games, above-average physical fitness, a good group of friends, and interesting hobbies. I perform well on online dating websites, and with effort, get about one online date a month. 

That said, I feel that my diet restrictions are holding me back from performing better in both online and real life dating pools. I have celiac disease, which requires a strict gluten-free diet, and I also have a number of other mild food allergies. Restaurant outings are stressful, so I have organized my life around mostly avoiding them. I spend my weeknights cooking a particular rotation of food, and then pack the leftovers for day trips throughout the weekend.

This lifestyle is manageable, but it has some hard limitations. I spend 7-10 hours per week cooking, giving me less time for social outings or dates. It also kills my ability to do anything impulsive. If I click with an online dating match on Monday, I can only offer to go out with them on Friday at earliest. My friends tell me that most women lose interest within a couple of days, so I am potentially missing out on an unknown number of dates. I fear that my scheduling restrictions, combined with the limited number of restaurants I am willing to eat at, gets interpreted by women as a lack of enthusiasm for dating them. 

In the real world, my lifestyle limits my random social encounters. My friends are great, but they never eat at gluten free restaurants, so they never invite me to grab dinner with them. By far, the worst events are the paid social dinners catered for 20-somethings. I get the double insult of paying for food that I can’t eat, and conspicuously bringing my own food with me. The last thing I want to talk about with people I have just met are my diet restrictions. I skip these entirely.

Most of my social life involves hosting or attending house parties. In my experience, these have been great for strengthening existing friendships, but a slow way to meet new people.

What can I do to take my dating life to the next level?

Diet Destroys Dates 

DEAR DIET DESTROYS DATES: I have a few thoughts, DDD, but before that, let me reach back into my personal dating history for a second.

Back in the day, I dated a woman who had a veritable list of allergies that she suffered from. This is not an exaggeration; she literally had a list of what she was allergic to, and it was important because those allergies ranged from “really annoying” to “very, very dead”. Dating her meant that I was going to have to put a great deal of thought into dates and activities in ways that I hadn’t had to before; even something as simple as my eating food that might contain allergens that affected her could turn a good night kiss into a quite literal kiss of death. As a result, it was hard to plan quick impulsive dinners (at first…); any date that involved food meant a not insignificant amount of research, checking and double checking everything about where we might eat. But she was awesome, so hey, you do what you have to.

What I learned while dating her was to de-couple dates from food, at least in the early days. Until I had a better idea of what restaurants were safe, our dates were more activity based –going dancing, hanging out, singing karaoke, taking walks, etc. It meant being a little more creative and getting away from the usual “dinner/movie” paradigm, which is a stale date anyway. And the more familiar I became about her dietary restrictions, the easier it was to be more impulsive. It meant having a smaller list of places to go for a quick meal – we couldn’t exactly go check out the cute new bistro on a lark – but it worked well.

(Incidentally, she’s married to a great guy and has some adorable kids, so clearly her dietary allergies didn’t hinder her romantic life TOO badly…)

So let’s bring it back to you, DDD.

What you have right now is a gift, in a perverse, wish-you’d-kept-the-receipt-so-you-could-give-it-back kind of way: you know pretty much right off the bat whether or not somebody is going to be compatible with you. You have specific, non-negotiable restrictions in your life; if someone can’t or won’t work within them, then the two of you were never going to work out in the first place. Similarly, if someone is going to see the fact that you can’t eat certain foods as a deal-breaker or an inconvenience they don’t want to put up with, then they have self-selected straight out of your dating pool. Does this limit the number of people who’ll say yes in the first place? Yeah… but at the same time, you’re not wasting the time, money or emotional energy on them just to find out that it would never work.

But that’s all on the emotional, philosophical side of your dating situation. Let’s talk about the practical side.

The first thing to do is simple: be up front with your restrictions. Don’t be apologetic or roll it out like you’ve been cursed by an old Roma woman because you ran over her goldfish. It’s not something to be ashamed of or to be embarrassed about, it’s just part of who you are. So let people know up front on your dating profile: “FYI, I have celiac disease, so I have some dietary restrictions.” Simple, direct and to the point. Folks who are going to be scared off by it are folks you wouldn’t be dating anyway. It also means that there’s less worry that you’re somehow showing a lack of interest.

It’s the same thing with your schedule issues. Lots of folks have tight schedules, and not many people are able to go out on dates beyond an hour for coffee or drinks on a weekday in the first place. That’s not likely to be an issue. Similarly, don’t stress the inability to be impulsive. Not every woman wants to just take off to wherever the whim takes them; there’re plenty of women who appreciate planning and structure.

When it comes to keeping the emotional momentum going before the date, there’re a number of ways to do that – especially if you’ve met up via OKCupid or other online dating sites. If you can swing it, you can meet for a mid-week pre-date date – that aforementioned hour for coffee or a quick drink – while you see Ms. Right On Screen is also Ms. Right In Person. If you can’t… well, it’s not like you can’t continue the conversations you were having before you set up a date. If the two of you were vibing and having a great time writing back and forth, you can still text or message each other. They don’t need to be long or involved conversations, but even a short jokey or flirty exchange can keep that ball rolling until Friday night.

Meanwhile, build up a repertoire of dates that aren’t focused around food. Comedy clubs, pool, skee-ball, go-karts, dancing, hikes, museum tours, even things like Mystery Rooms all make for excellent dates. Picnics give you a little more room to be impulsive and playful while still making sure you have food choices you can eat. And as the two of you get closer, you can have hang-out dates at your place – you might even invite her over for a home-cooked (and gluten free) meal. Bring wine and candles and it’s instant romance.

(Oh, and as a slight aside: dude, your friends kiiiinda sound like jerks. I mean, they may be great in other respects, but if they never really stop to think that “Hey, DDD can’t eat here, maybe we should look for a place where he can come with us…” that’s kinda awful of them. But that’s a rant for a different time. )

Don’t let your restrictions get you down, DDD. As any artist can tell you: having some boundaries to bounce off of can inspire you to greater levels of creativity than the (surprisingly) intimidating option of infinite choices. It’ll take a little more prep work and planning than it might for other folks, but you don’t have to let your worries hold you back from the dating life you want.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been with my wife for almost 19 years, married almost 15, and have a dilemma. Recently (the past few months or so), she has been asking me how much I love her. I think she is playing around and give her an answer like “more than I can begin to tell you”. Actually, I feel the answer should be “enough to put up with you for asking such a question.” I am the sole breadwinner and do the cooking and food shopping, as well as drive when we go out (she has a license). I also do everything I possible can for her. She isn’t a queen or princess or anything so she isn’t spending money faster than I can make it. We have a joint credit card that she uses and the highest the bill has been was a few hundred dollars for Christmas gifts. With all I do for her, I don’t know why she continues to ask this question nor how I can answer it to her satisfaction. I am feeling like I am being pushed away when she asks this question.

Please provide your thoughts.

Thanks!

Questionable Concerns

DEAR QUESTIONABLE CONCERNS: This… isn’t really a problem, QC. She’s not trying to push you away. It sounds more to me like someone who’s just looking for a little reassurance that you love her now, even after nearly 20 years. Joking answers can be cute and funny, but if she’s actually feeling a little insecure or worried about something, then the best thing you can do is give her a serious answer and tell her why you love her.

But here’s the thing, QC: if you want to know why she’s continuing to ask the question, then the person who can answer this question is your wife, not some loud mouthed jack-ass with an advice column. So use your words already. Ask her why she’s asking and what she needs to be reassured that yes, you do love her. She’ll be in a much better position to tell you what’s going on than I am.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: What the hell is there to do in the real world?

I say this as I’ve been getting more active in talking to women (albeit at the checkout line but it’s a start) and doing some online dating. 

Basically, I have absolutely no idea of what to do outside and I know that when I get a date, it is unlikely to be inside my bedroom playing video games, it’s going to be outside doing something, but I have no idea of what to do outside.

I have an interest in typical nerdy stuff, and have wanted to try LARPing but that doesn’t get you dates, useless crap like concerts (the only use in them is selling massively overpriced food, drink or merchandise), coffee dates where you try not to fall asleep, anything hipster where they use antiquated machinery to simulate having a personality, going to bars and paying for drinks then not having your date talk to you again, that’s the thing that most dates are made of.

I’ll admit, this is only stuff I’ve seen in TV shows and movies, but I still have no freaking idea of how to approach actually going on a date with someone, and am considering a life in a monastery ( that’s a lie, I’m too obsessed with machinery for that to ever work)

Also, how the hell do people spend their time without a computer or a phone anyway? I used to love reading and still do but the idea of just reading in a cafe terrifies me for the chance of some twilight-reading meathead to dump a cup of hot coffee over me, or a jock to punch me in the head, or getting ridiculed for reading.

Also I refuse to take my laptop to a coffee shop for the chances of it getting stolen, broken and the fact of I need to build a life outside of it.

Now the gyms a darn good idea, especially as my current diet involves a crap load of Pepsi and little water , I’ve also been trying to get more into philosophy and Buddhism just to make me more well rounded.

I think charity work could also do some good, particularly for a mental health charity, they could use some tech help or just carting around boxes, something to put on the resume.

Doc, I guess I’ll also have to accept that my dreams will never come true, like building giant robots or living on Mars or piloting giant robots or defending the earth from an alien invasion , I was born too early for that. I was holding out hope for that for a long time.

My question is, how can I get a normal life which sucks, as it’s an upgrade to my current one. I’m still young (20s) so that helps.

Blue (almost) Alien

DEAR BLUE ALIEN: Here’s your first step, Blue: turn your damn TV off already. You seem to have gotten the idea that life outside of your apartment is an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia mixed with Revenge of the Nerds and honestly? Not only is none of that true, but it’s so cartoonishly wrong that I’m left wondering how you manage to get to the grocery store without taking the wrong left turn at Albuquerque.

Right now, dating is the last thing you need to be doing. You need to get some basic life experience under your belt because your view of the world is so off-kilter that you’re not going to get a date in the first place, never mind go on one. Concerts make for lousy first dates but they’re amazing experiences on their own. Coffee dates are all about talking with your date and getting to know them and seeing if it’s worth going on a second, more active date. And I really have no idea where the hell you’re going with “hipster crap” or the idea that going to a bar somehow results in your date not talking to you.

And that’s before we get into the weirdness about bullies who…also read… Twilight?? Or random jocks traveling in packs and physically assaulting people or being made fun of for reading?

Like, that’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works. I not only read books in cafes and restaurants, but I read my weekly stack of comics while I’m out and about. Hell, one of my close friends has various bars she’s designated as reading spots when she wants to get out, have a beer and relax with the latest from Seanan McGuire or Myke Cole. Nobody is going to give a damn about the fact that you have a book with you.

I also do a fair amount of work in coffeeshops when I need to get out of the house. Here’s how you keep your laptop from being stolen while you’re there:

YOU: Hey, I have to run to the bathroom for a second. Could you keep an eye on things and make sure someone doesn’t jack my stuff?

HELPFUL STRANGER: Sure!

(later)

YOU: Thanks, appreciate that.

HELPFUL STRANGER: No problem.

So before you start worrying about dating – or flirting, really – you need to pry yourself away from your phone, your laptop, your TV and apparently damn near everything electronic and actually get out into the meat space. You need to spend some time – and I mean evidently a lot of time – interacting with people without a screen between the two of you. Social skills are more than just making small talk while you’re bagging up your groceries, it’s understanding how the world works, what behavior is appropriate to the situation and how to read the social context. And honestly, even if we allow for your exaggerating for effect, you seem to have little idea about, well, any of it.

So you need to close down all your tabs with Twitter, Reddit, 4chan, kiwifarms and any of the rest of it, log out of Snapchat and actually go outside. Everything you listed, from going to the gym to volunteer work? Yes, do that. Find a LARP group or a geek-themed pub-quiz. Hell, go chase (or get chased by) zombies and see if you’ll survive the zombie apocalypse. Join a Pokemon Go MeetUp. If you’re going to study Buddhism, then I suggest you go to an actual temple in your area and see if they have any classes. Get your local alt-weekly and make a list of everything going on this weekend and pick three events to go to. Go to some dive bars and have a beer, go see a concert with a no-name band, eat some food that didn’t get delivered to your house or come from a chain restaurant (and preferably has a vegetable or two mixed in) and actually get to know your town and the people who live in it.

You need to spend more time outside and getting to know the world around you and how it actually works before you worry about dates or roving gangs of Twilight-reading, crotch-punching jocks who also hate reading. Start building an interesting life that isn’t exclusively on the Internet – and that’s my addicted-to-his-iPhone ass telling you this – and you’ll be in a better place to actually meet women who will want to actually be part of that life. And the more of an interesting life that you lead, the more ideas you’ll have for dates.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few months back OKCupid made some changes to their messaging. As I understand it now both parties have to message each other before they will see any messages that have been sent. I was wondering how this might alter some of the standard advice around when to message someone you are interested in?

So with sites like Match that would allow me to message anyone or send them a wink I would expect to message someone to show my interest in them. That would be preferable to just sending them a wink or similar.

But with the changes at OKCupid does that bring it more into line with sites like Tinder where you would just send someone a like and wait to see if they liked you back? Only then would you send a message. Or is it better to take the opportunity to send them a message anyway, which will be waiting for them if they like you back?

I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Thanks.

What’s OK, Cupid?

DEAR WHAT’S OK, CUPID: The core of my advice for online dating is that you do best by messaging the people who show interest in you first. Doing the dating app equivalent of cold-calls is always going to be considerably less efficient than focusing your attention on the people who showed at least some curiosity about you. 

Now, before OKCupid made serious structural changes to how the site worked, this meant that you could see who’d visited your profile or be notified that someone who had a high-compatibility score was checking you out; then you could send them a message. Now, OKCupid has changed their system to be more like Tinder in that each profile has the option of “Like” or “Pass”. If you like someone, they get a notification. If you both like each other, then you’re able to message one another.

You still can send people a message without having matched first… but OKCupid will only show the first couple of lines.

So while the dynamic of the site has changed some, it hasn’t changed that much. However, it does prioritize mutual interest prior to messaging, rather than shotgunning out dozens of messages and hoping something stuck.

How do you work with this new dynamic? Well, you have to make sure your dating profile is up to snuff. If you’re not getting any attention or likes from people, then it’s on you to go through and do some serious revamping of your profile. What is the story your dating profile is telling potential matches? Do your photos show you off to your best effect and do they match the version of you from your dating profile?

Are you practicing good dating SEO and making sure that your profile is liberally sprinkled with hooks for matches to respond to? Are you making sure that your profile is appealing to the people that you want to match with? If you’re trying to, say, find a no-strings casual relationship, those pictures of you playing with your adorable nephew are going to send the message that you’re looking to get married and settle down.

And don’t forget: the algorithm is watching. People who’re more active get higher priority in other people’s feeds. So switching out your photos regularly or A/B testing the various sections of your profile will put you up in front of more people and invite curious sexy strangers to come check you out.

Fine tune your profile until there’s no fat to trim and it’s polished to a high gloss. Then, as the “likes” roll in, see how many of them you dig. Having to have mutual likes may seem like an inconvenience, but trust me: you’ll get a better rate of return on those messages than if you’re just firing off at everyone you see.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)